Joey s01e10 Episode Script

Joey and the Big Audition

Geez, Gina, I can smell your perfume from the top of the stairs.
I'm not wearing any perfume.
The, uh, the bottle said "unisex.
" How are you this morning? I don't know.
I'm a little frustrated about my career.
I came out here a couple of months ago with all these goals and I haven't achieved any of them.
Like what? I haven't been on the cover of a magazine.
I haven't been nominated for an award.
I haven't been on even one est Dressed" list.
What's up with that? You were in a magazine.
Last month you were in People.
Unidentified male next to Nicole Kidman.
Well, something good better happen for me soon.
I want to feel like I made the right decision moving out here.
Joey, why don't you do something about it? Yeah.
Call your agent.
Light a fire under her.
Oh! Let me do it.
I will rip her a No, no, no I'll do it.
But you're right.
I should call her.
I need work.
Not being on TV is even starting to affect my love life.
- No.
- Yeah.
Last night, I went out to meet a girl, you know, for sex? And I realized, when I moved out here, I lost a big part of my rap.
I'm no longer "Joey Tribbiani, star of Days of Our Lives.
" Lines like that actually work? Well, not as good as your man perfume, but You know, now that I don't have that, things are harder.
You know, I gotta say, I hate to delight in this, but it's kind of nice that for once you're having a problem with women.
I mean Hey, Joey.
- Thanks for a fun night.
- Oh, yeah.
You take care.
I said it was hard.
I didn't say it was impossible.
Well, he's just walking in right now.
I'll tell him.
Great news, Joey.
I just got you the lead in an industrial safety video! What? No, no, no, no, no.
I don't want to do any more stuff like that.
Look, Bobbie, I came to L.
to take the next step in my career, and I feel like I'm taking a step back.
You know, you got me doing these lame auditions, lousy commercials.
That mystery theater thing at Ted Danson's house? I need things to change.
Ooh, there's the fiery Latin heartthrob that I took a chance on.
I'm not Latin, I'm Italian.
Italian? Oh, no! Italians are out this year.
It may be time for you to call in your boy-band connections.
I wasn't in a boy band.
I can't catch a break.
Look, Bobbie, you gotta do whatever it takes to get me something- and something good.
Otherwise I'm gonna go out and find someone else who will.
Okay, look.
Just give me one more chance.
I will find you something.
There's going to be no more celebrity parties, okay? No more cheesy commercials.
Oh, and when you get home, just delete the message about emceeing the dog show.
All right.
Okay, that's more like it.
Now, is there anything I can do on my end? Yeah.
It'd be great if you had some connections.
Who have you met in this business who's powerful? I mean, someone who loves you, someone you trust? Just you, I guess.
Oh You sweet thing, come here.
Oh, God, I could slap a diaper on you and nurse you right now.
- Hey, Joey.
- Hey, Alex.
Uh what's going on here? Oh, I'm hosting an alumni event for Northwestern University.
No, no, I meant, there's no mustard for the pigs in the blanket.
Where's your head at, girl? I'll take care of it.
Hey, Alex.
That guy looks familiar but I can't place him.
Usually when I have that feeling it's someone I've slept with, but I don't think it's that.
He's a movie producer.
Can you introduce me to him? My agent said I need to make some Hollywood connections.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, Steve! This is, uh, my friend, Joey Tribbiani.
He's an actor.
He just moved here from New York a couple months ago.
Hey! Steve Carpenter, nice to meet you.
Yeah, you, too.
Now, if you'll excuse me, there's a girl in there I hated in college and I'm now more successful than.
So, Joey, you don't look familiar.
Are you a Wildcat? Well, I don't like to brag about it, but I do okay.
You can go ahead and brag.
We're all proud we went to Northwestern.
Go, Wildcats! Oh, I thought you meant You know, you should come in and audition for me sometime.
Really? Yeah, we like to look out for our own.
That's why they call us the Northwestern Mafia.
We've got alumni at every studio, network, and major talent agency in this town.
Then I am really glad I went there! Go, Wildcats! Say, what year did you graduate? Wait, let me guess.
Uh '91? Wow.
Producer, or awesome year-guesser? Who do I know that was '91? Uh Lance Beckman.
Do you know Lance? - Uh, is he here? - No.
I was in his wedding! Well, you know, if you're new in town, I should introduce you to the rest of the Northwestern Mafia.
It's too bad- I don't think there's anyone else here from '91.
Oh, darn, that would have been a fun situation.
Hey, guys, this is Joey.
Joey, this is Dave.
He's an executive at Universal.
Mark's in television.
And Paul is a feature director.
Yeah, Joey's the Class of '91.
Oh, yeah? What dorm were you in? Uh a different one every night, if you know what I mean.
So, what'd you study? Uh, uh not much of anything, I'm afraid.
Fight song time.
Shall we? Spread far the fame of our fair name Go, Northwestern, win that game! And then we'll Okay - Hey.
- Hey.
Where'd you get the Northwestern shirt? Oh, at an organizational meeting for next year's homecoming.
Hello? Joey I did it.
I got you a huge audition for tomorrow.
That was fast.
What happened? Well, apparently your friend from Northwestern called the producer.
And then the producer called me and offered you the audition.
And I said, "Okay.
" That's great.
Okay, well, what's it for? Well, it's a sexy new nighttime drama set in a mountain resort.
It's called Deep Powder.
It's Baywatch on skis, and it's the dumbest script I ever read.
It's gonna be huge! All right! Yeah, I'm gonna have my assistant fax you the audition scene as soon as I get off the phone.
Great, Bobbie.
Thanks a lot.
What was that about? I've got a huge audition for tomorrow.
Oh, that's great.
For what? It's a sexy nighttime drama set at a ski resort.
- That sounds fantastic! - Yeah! Oh my God, it's not on against J.
, is it? No, well, I don't know when it's going to be on.
But this is definitely a part I can get, yeah.
And it's all because I told that guy I went to Northwestern.
Lying is awesome! Oh, I can't wait to see the script.
Bobbie's going to fax it over right now.
Hello? Stop calling here! Damn it, every time I'm expecting an important fax, this jerk prank calls me.
- What does he say? - Nothing! He just makes this annoying sound - Did you go to Northwestern? - Why, yes, I did.
Well, I graduated from Purdue three years ago.
- So? - We're rival schools.
I hate you.
- Joey Tribbiani.
- Katie Harper.
Yeah, listen, I've got this audition now, but maybe we can get together sometime and get to the bottom of this rivalry.
Maybe we can.
Yeah, well, hey why don't you give me a call sometime? - You have your number on a card? - I do this a lot.
But also, you are very special.
I'm Joey Tribbiani.
I'm here to audition for the role of Langdon Powder, the sexy young snowboarder with the secret past.
Now, I don't want to tell you to cancel the rest of your session, but I was born to play this role.
You're not reading for Langdon.
Huh? You're reading for Langdon's dad.
Langdon's dad?! But I'm young and sexy.
I'm not some old, gray-haired guy in a dumb-looking sweater.
Hey, how you doing, buddy? Good luck on the audition.
How did the audition go? I did the stupidest thing I've ever done.
Come on, honey.
Now we both know that is not true.
Did they find out you didn't go to Northwestern? No, no, no, it's not that.
I spent all this time preparing for the wrong role.
You know, and they wouldn't even let me audition.
And I would have been so great at it.
"If thrashing's a crime, yo, lock me up "because I don't want to live in a world where I can't thrash to the extreme.
" - That is great.
- I know.
So did you end up auditioning for the right part? No, it was for the father.
I'm not old ough to play the father of a teenager.
I had a teenager when I was your age.
- But that's different.
- How? Look, I don't have time to pretend your life is okay.
I have a problem.
Joey, they called you in.
I mean, you should just audition for the dad.
Yeah, but I don't know if I can pull it off.
I have all the heavy scenes with my kids in the show, and I don't know how to do that.
Look, I know this isn't the kind of role you're used to doing, but you can't just give up because you're afraid to fail.
And I don't think you're going to fail.
Really? I hate doing this stuff to your face.
Are you going to make me compliment you? I need it.
Turn around.
I have seen everything you have done, and you are a great actor.
And on top of that, I know that you can play a dad because I've seen the way you are with Michael, and you're like a father to him.
Thanks, Gina.
Come here, give me a hug.
God, you're such a girl.
I've been meaning to make a contribution, but it keeps slipping my mind.
Well, yes, of course.
I treasure my Northwestern experience.
And I treasure mine.
Now, if you're willing to pledge $1,000 Joey.
- What are you doing? - Oh, excuse me one second.
Ma'am, can I call you back in a few minutes? I'm not able to speak freely.
It's me.
If you can hear this, wave your hand.
Why are you calling me from my alumni association? Well, I didn't know it was you.
The sheet says Alexis Garret.
- That's my full name.
- Ooh.
Joey, why are you pretending like you went to Northwestern? Because your friend Steve thought I went there and he got me an audition.
Now he's asking me to do all this alumni stuff.
I can't say no.
- But you're lying.
- Alex.
Isn't doing whatever it takes to achieve your dreams what Northwestern's all about? No! Then what is it about? I have to give a speech at the next alumni dinner.
- Hey.
- Hey, Howie.
What are you doing? I've got a big audition later, so I'm just going over my lines.
Can I help? I have acting experience.
I was one of the Honeycomb kids.
You have the first line.
Did you have any lines in those Honeycomb commercials? No, I did not.
Michael, listen, I'm leaving for my audition in a few minutes.
Will you run through the lines with me? Sure.
What's the scene about? Uh, well, I'm being over-protective of my daughter because her mother died in an avalanche that I may or may not have caused.
There's a great speech about it later where I curse the elements.
"Damn you, mountain, bring her back!" -So I'm the daughter? - Hmm.
All right, do I have to read it with like a high, girly voice? No.
- May I? - No.
Okay, um All right, so I could do it now.
I want another shot.
That's okay.
Michael's already doing it.
Can I be his understudy? - Sure.
- Great! "Hi, Daddy.
" "How are you doing? Is something the matter? "Why won't you let me go to Haley's sleepover party?" "Because there's a blizzard coming.
You could get snowed in.
" "You don't have to worry about me so much.
Look at me.
I'm a big girl now.
" "I can see that.
I bet your friends think it's pretty lame that your old man wants to hold on to you so tight.
" If I had functional tear ducts I'd be crying right now.
Really? Was I good? Actually, I got a very strong dad vibe from you.
Thanks, Michael.
I got a strong little girl vibe from you.
All right, thanks, you guys.
I'm going to go get this part.
I still got to go pick up your mom.
She's coming with me for moral support.
All right, wish me luck.
My name's Thomas Wheeler.
I'm here for my Northwestern alumni interview.
The producer I met at Alex's asked me to interview this kid as a personal favor.
I completely forgot.
How are we going to get out of this? Hey, sorry about that.
Come on in.
Oh, thank you, sir.
I brought a copy my high school transcript as well as a letter of recommendation from Yeah, I'm kind of in a time cnch here.
But you seem like a fine young man.
I'm giving you my full recommendation.
What what about all my questions? What about the English department? Is there a strong pre-law program? Uh college isn't all about academics, Thomas.
So why don't you hang out here and have a good time.
That's kind of our motto at Northwestern.
I thought it wasv Quaecumque Sunt Vera.
No, no, we changed it.
Okay, you go over your lines.
I will take care of the competition.
You reading for the role of Dad? Yeah? You like Jager? Huh? - Hey, Katie.
- Hey, Joey.
It's good to see you again.
Yeah, I was thinking about you.
There's a Northwestern-Purdue game on this Saturday.
- Mm, you want to come over? - You read my mind.
You like football? - No.
- Neither do I.
Okay, I'll talk to you after my audition.
Okay, thanks for your patience, everyone.
We're going to start reading now.
Oh, ma'am, I'm sorry, but we're not reading for the part of Angry Prostitute till tomorrow.
Oh, I'm not an actress, but thank you.
Okay, uh Joey, we're ready for you now.
And I'd like to introduce you to Katie Harper.
You're going to be reading with her.
Oh, uh, I thought the scene was with me and my daughter.
That's right.
We cast her in the part.
We're going to see if you two have chemistry.
I think we might.
You can do this.
She's your daughter.
And you're going to jail.
Whenever you're ready.
Hi, Daddy.
How you doing? I mean How are you doing? Is everything all right? Why won't you let me go to Haley's sleepover party? Because there's a blizzard coming.
You could get snowed in.
You don't have to worry about me so much anymore.
I mean, look at me.
I'm a big girl now.
I can see that.
I-I-I bet your friends think it's pretty lame that your old man wants to hold on to you so tight.
I I like it when you do that.
You're my special little girl.
- I love you, Daddy.
- And I love you, too.
Now come give Daddy a kiss.
Okay, thank you.
Please, never have a daughter.
- Hey, how'd it go? - Terrible.
Why does my daughter have to be so hot? I told you I couldn't play a dad.
Come on.
No, no, no.
You go back in there and try it again.
I can't.
I am too turned on by that girl.
Joey, you are an actor.
But I can't stop thinking about sex.
You want to stop thinking about sex? What the hell are you doing?! That's disgusting! You're my sister! And that is your daughter.
That is even worse.
Now you go back in there, and you ask if you can try again.
Yeah, you're right.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How'd it go? Joey sucked the first time, but then I, uh Your mother helped me in a totally normal way.
So you feel like it went pretty well, right? Wait a minute.
What's that look on your face? You know something? What's the best news I could give you? Uh, they fixed the vending machine.
Oh, we got a Ping-Pong table.
Oh, no Kool and the Gang got back together? Okay, I'm going to have to try this a different way.
Uh, you are Langdon Powder's dad.
Who? You got the part! I got the par I got the part?! I did it! I did it! - Congratulations.
- Oh, Joey, I'm so proud of you.
Okay but that's the last one.
An all new Will & Grace is coming up next right here on NBC! - Hey, Joey! - Hey, Steve! How did that audition go? Great! Thanks so much fot setting that up.
I got the part! - All right! Go Wild Cats! - But not Purdue, we hate them! Wait a minute, I'm here with your buddy.
Lance! Come here, you gotta see who this is! It's me, Lance Beckman! Joey.
I was in your wedding.
No, you weren't.
Okay, look, Steve.
I have something I have to tell you.
This man is not Lance Beckman!