Joey s01e11 Episode Script

Hey, Michael, who was that girl last night? I wasn't with a girl.
No, no, no, the one I brought home.
I can never remember her name.
There he is: the star of the new show, Deep Powder.
Bobbie, hi.
Come on in.
Wow! What are you doing here? How would you like to go to Las Vegas and be a celebrity judge? It would be great publicity for your new show.
Oh, Bobbie, I told you I don't want to do stuff like that anymore.
-It's a beauty pageant.
- Anything for the show.
It's Miss Southwestern USA, but they need you to leave for Las Vegas tonight.
Tonight? Well, you weren't their first choice.
Oh, okay, all right, fine.
Uh, what's involved in judging? You have to look at beautiful women and rate them on a scale of one to ten.
Can you do that, Joey? I'll give it a try.
Okay, this is great! But, uh, why did you come by to ask me? You could've just called.
Well, I like to give my clients the personal atten Michael! You are here.
Oh, gosh, uh Well, you're filling out nicely.
Couple more months, and you'll be ready.
Um, okay.
You know what? Thanks for stopping by, Bobbie.
Here you go.
All right.
Oh, yeah.
You know - part of me thinks I should just - She would eat you alive.
I'm going to make a great judge.
Seven.
Six.
Ooh, four.
Aw, what a cute puppy.
Eight.
- Hey.
- Hey.
So, you ready for your beauty pageant? Yeah, I'm really excited, you know? I've never been in a position before where my opinion mattered.
My judgment could change someone's life.
Joey, it's just a beauty pageant.
You bite your tongue.
You are talking about the Miss Southwest something-something-something.
Wow, didn't know you were taking it so seriously.
Well, yeah.
This is a big step for me, you know? It says I'm a part of the community of celebrities.
You know, it says that I can be trusted to judge fairly.
It says that Corbin Bernsen dropped out last minute.
It does say that.
Hey, guys.
I think this is for you.
Someone left it by my door by mistake.
Oh, this must be my V.
I.
P.
packet for Vegas.
Oh, why you going to Vegas? I'm judging a beauty pageant.
Ugh.
What? My sister did pageants.
I find them degrading to women.
- Aw, you jealous of her? - Very.
Oh, my God, there's some great stuff in here.
Whoa, what'd you get? I don't know if I can share this with you.
This is a V.
I.
P.
packet.
You guys are just R.
F.
s: regular folk.
Ooh, comped room, free buffet, front row seats to a Celine Dion concert.
You don't really like her, do you? No, no, I just like to go to her concerts as a joke with a bunch of other hilarious people that I met on her Web site.
Well, you can have these, if you want.
Really? Wait a minute.
Is this a prank? Did Sheila from Team Celine put you up to this? No, really.
You can have the tickets.
I can't believe you like Celine Dion.
Oh, what? I'm sorry it not Whitesnake.
You got a problem with Whitesnake? Okay, all right, okay.
No one is looking good here, all right? Oh, and Alex, if you want to catch a ride with me, I'm leaving in an hour.
Okay, great! I'll go pack.
Wait a second! Why does she get to go to Vegas and I don't? No one said you couldn't go.
Why is anger always your first response? I really don't know.
Look, I have a free suite.
Why don't you and Michael join me? That'd be fun! Oh, Michael's not gonna want to go.
He hates Vegas.
Well, what if we put him in the car and don't give him a choice? I'm supposed to pick him up from Cal Tech.
We should kidnap him! - Oh, yeah, let's do that.
- All right! This is really exciting.
We're really gonna go.
Wait- I'm not dressed for Vegas.
Gina, you're always dressed for Vegas.
Okay, just so you guys know, 'cause we've got a long drive ahead of us, when you throw trash out of the car, it just comes back here and hits me in the face.
Ooh, there's Michael.
We shouldn't tell him we're going to Vegas.
Let's think of a place he'll want to go.
Ooh-ooh- let's tell him we're going to get ice cream.
No, no, no- then he'll be really mad when he finds out we're not.
Now I'm mad we're not getting ice cream.
Hey, why are you guys all picking me up? And why are you grinning like idiots? He's on to us! Drive! Oh, my God.
I can't believe we're here.
Joey, come on.
We're inside.
Take off the glasses.
Hey, hey- I am here as a celebrity judge.
Celebrity! Okay, people expect a certain flair, all right? The sunglasses say, "You may not know who I am but, yeah, it's me.
" All right, fine.
Well, I better get to my concert.
I can't believe I'm gonna see Celine.
It's like seeing the Beatles! Yeah, except she's like a bony-chested French-Canadian you want to punch in the face.
Oh, really? I can't remember what state-of-the-art theater was built in Vegas for Whitesnake! Is that Celine? All right! Vegas! Wow, those girls are hot.
Hey, hey, hey, that is for me to judge.
You're gonna have a fun weekend.
No, no, no.
The rules say I can't fraternize with the girls.
I need to be impartial.
Otherwise, it would be unfair to the show's producers, the contestants, and the good people at Mike's Hard Lemonade and Spike TV.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, there you are.
Think we're gonna have some fun in Vegas? I don't think so.
I'm just going to go up to the room and study.
I know y didn't want to come, but you're gonna have a good time.
Will you let me go to the room? No, you're not going anywhere.
Now, stop sulking and take off that stupid hat.
Hey, nice to see you again, sir.
- Who was that? - I have no idea.
Welcome back, sir.
We've missed you.
What's going on? How come more people are recognizing you than recognize me? All right, fine.
I come here, okay? A lot.
You do? Yes, I come here with a bunch of my friends from Cal Tech to play blackjack.
We we count cards.
We win a lot of money.
Oh, my God! Michael's interesting.
Don't use my real name.
I'm here under an assumed name.
Oh, this is too much.
I am not buying it.
Okay, I'll prove it to you.
Hey, Sal.
Hey, Dr.
Rodriguez, you shaved your mustache.
Yeah, well, the wife couldn't take it anymore.
You know? Oh, my God.
You have been lying to me and doing shady things in Vegas? I have never felt closer to you! I can't believe you count cards.
It's like I got my own Rain Man! How much is that? - 50 cents.
- That's spooky.
I want to count cards with you! Yeah, we got to do this.
No, I don't think that's a good idea.
Come on! We can rip off the casino together.
Like a family.
How about this- let's sleep on it.
I'll teach you first thing in the morning.
Oh, yeah, that's actually for the best.
Yeah, I have an early pageant meeting.
Gotta get some rest.
You know, go to bed.
- Were you on Days of Our Lives? - With her.
Welcome.
Hi, Joey Tribbiani, long-time pageant fan, first-time judge.
Well, I'm Jerry, the pageant producer.
Oh, hey, sorry I'm a little late.
I had kind of a crazy night.
But it's not going to interfere with my judging duties.
I am so honored to be here.
To me, there is no more noble endeavor than rating hot chicks.
Watch Four.
- That's my wife.
- Out of five.
So, Jerry I want to introduce you to Bob Saget.
This is Joey Tribbiani.
He's another one of our celebrity judges.
Wow, Bob Saget! I don't like to be touched.
So wow we're judging this together? I'm on the same level as you? Well, that depends.
How much you getting paid for this? You're getting paid?! Okay, everybody.
We wanted to take this opportunity to introduce the judges to the finalists.
So here they are.
Miss Tucson Miss Santa Fe Miss Reno and Miss Laughlin.
Sorry I'm late.
I had a crazy night.
Hey, hello again.
Nice sash.
Hey, guys, guys.
I just did something bad.
Okay, here's the story.
You were with me till 10:00.
Michael, you saw him go to bed at No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
It's nothing like that.
I hooked up with one of the contestants.
Did any of us think that wasn't gonna happen? It wasn't my fault! She didn't tell me she was a contestant.
Oh, it didn't even come up? You guys heard every word we said to each other.
Okay? Now I can't be impartial.
What am I gonna do? WeWell, you could resign.
Or, I could hook up with the other four finalists.
How is that gonna help? Well, then none of them will have an advantage.
It'll level the playing field.
- Joey, I got to say - Yeah, please.
that is brilliant! Yeah, yeah, this is too important.
I have to preserve the integrity of the Miss Southwestern USA Pageant.
By hooking up with all the contestants? I didn't ask for the solution to this horrible problem to be wonderful, it just is.
Okay.
Come on.
Teach me this card-counting thing.
All right, here's how it works.
When I want you to come over to the table to start betting, I'm gonna run my fingers through my hair.
Also, we need a verbal signal for you to stop betting, so my friends and I usually just work the name of a U.
S.
president into the conversation.
- So if I say, "Garfield " - Cat! Hatondays! Lasagna! Okay, maybe we'll try something else.
Uh, what's a subject you know a lot about? Alcohol.
Okay, great, all right.
So I'm gonna mention alcohol, and you stop.
And one more thing.
ke it fast; I'm getting kind of full up here.
All right.
The pit boss cannot find out that we know each other.
If he does, he'll take us to the back room, and very, very bad things happen in the back room.
Hey.
Okay.
The Miss Southwestern Teen Pageant is in Ballroom B.
I almost just got myself in a lot of trouble.
Hi.
I'm Joey Tribbiani, one of the judges.
Nice to meet you.
So, Miss Reno where are you from? Reno.
Okay, this small talk isn't working.
I'll cut to the chase.
I assume you want the judging to be fair and impartial? Of course.
Walk with me.
I'm going to tell you about an interesting way that we can ensure that that happens.
But I was just going over some literature from my platform statement.
Oh, well, let me take a look.
What issue have you chosen? Abstinence.
Okay, I'm going to go build a little momentum and then get back to you.
Oh, Debbie, whatever you just said sounds very interesting.
So, you want to come back to my room? I'd like that.
And you can feel good, because you are ensuring a fair competition.
Competition? What competition? Are you not in the Miss Southwestern USA beauty Pageant? No.
Then why did you tell me you were from Tucson? - Because I am from Tucson.
- Well, this is just great.
Are you coming back to my room or not? I'm sorry, you seem like a nice girl, but I just don't have time for this.
Here here's a pamphlet on abstinence.
Miss Albuquerque, Miss Santa Fe, you two are together- Great! I'm a little behind schedule because someone from Tucson just wasted a lot of my time.
So you two are both New Mexicans, huh? Do you guys like each other? Yeah.
Really.
How much? Uh, we're actually sharing a room.
That is great news.
Joey, we're a having a special emergency meeting.
There have been some improprieties with contestant-judge relations.
Please come with me.
- See you at the pageant.
- I wouldn't bet on it.
I would just like to remind everyone that I filled in as a last-minute replacement for Corbin Bernsen, and I think that that should count for something.
Okay, the reason we're here is that one of the contestants, Miss Laughlin, has had improper relations with a judge.
Maybe it was an irresistible judge, and no one's at fault.
The rules could not be clearer on this issue.
As a result, we are disqualifying Miss Laughlin from the competition, and we will be passing her name on to the U.
S.
Council on Beauty Pageants, Dog Shows and Rodeos.
Are you gonna disqualify the judge? Actually, since the pageant is in three hours, we don't have that luxury.
Oh, well, hold on a sec.
That doesn't seem fair.
That's a double standard.
I'm sorry? Well, it takes two to tango.
The e is just as guilty as she is and well, as much as it pains me to say it, if she's gonna go, he should go, too.
I guess you're right.
Bob, I think you should leave.
Nice speech, Gloria Steinem.
Jackass.
- Hey! There you are.
- Hey.
How'd your plan work out? Ah, well, it turned out that Miss Laughlin, that contestant I slept with, was even sleazier than me.
And Bob Saget thinks I'm a jackass! - How's it going with you? - Oh, great! I was just taking a little pee break.
I gotta get back.
This carunting thing is amazing.
We are way ahead.
Oh, really? I wanna come watch.
Oh, okay.
But the casino can't know we know each other, so Michael's "Dr.
Rodriguez," and I'm "Victoria from England.
" That's why I'm talking in this British accent.
- It's good! - I know! Welcome back.
Yeah, we missed you, Victoria.
And I missed you, Dr.
Rodriguez.
Now sit up straight.
Hey, y'all.
Name's Dusty.
Just flew in from Texas, and I got a hankerin' to watch me some blackjack.
Oh, God You know what I like about Vegas? You can sit down at a table full of strangers, yet they all feel like family.
- Oh! Thanks! - Not you, sir.
Dealer bust.
You win again.
Hi.
You're having quite a run of luck tonight.
I know.
- I'm Kevin, the pit boss.
- Really! Does anyone at this table think I should stop playing and go get some alcohol? Why don't you just order your drinks from a waitress? That way you can keeaying, get a little extra money, and maybe, I don't know, buy a family member a pinball machine.
I don't know.
If the lady wants to leave, Dusty, I think you should let her.
Is anyone talking to you, Dr.
Rodriguez? - Okay, I'm done.
- Wait a minute.
You're not going anywhere without your breakfast voucher.
You've had a great night, and I hope you come and stay with us again.
Well, adios, muchaco.
Joey! There you are! I just got back from my third Celine concert.
They were identical.
I'm not Joey, I'm Dusty! Wait a minute.
You guys all know each other? Oh, yeah! These three troublemakers are my neighbors, back in L.
A.
Wow, Gina, you have so many chips.
Oh, I bet Michael helped you, 'cause he's such a math genius.
Okay I want all of you to come with me now to the back room.
Now.
Dag nab it, this sure is one Texas-size mess.
Stay right here.
I'll be back.
Is it just me or did that man seem like he was mad at us for something? We were counting cards.
They're gonna, they're gonna kill us.
You guys I'm freaking out.
It's okay, baby.
You wanna know what scared is? Finding out you're pregnant at 16.
That's nothing.
You wanna know what scared is? One time, this big moth almost flew into my mouth! That does not top my story.
No? Okay.
You guys, what are we gonna do? Uh Oh! Oh! I know how we're gonna get out of this.
What, you're gonna sleep with all pit bosses? No, no.
We're gonna pretend to be dumb, okay? It's something that works for me all the time.
Like when a girl catches me with someone else, I just go, "But baby, I don't understand what the problem is.
I thought she was you.
" You want them to think we're too stupid to count cards.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, now let me see all of you make a dumb face.
Gina, good- but you had the shortest distance to travel.
Alex, you're not there.
Imagine Celine said your name on stage.
Perfect! Okay, Michael, it still looks like there's a light on in there! There you go.
That's what I thought my son would look like.
Okay, okay, dummy up, dummy up.
Look, we know you've been counting cards.
What? We've got you on camera.
Blugh? You guys are in lot of trouble.
But baby I thought she was you.
Just please don't do aanything to us.
Look, I've got no choice.
Your names are going in the book.
All the casinos are gonna know who you are.
You'll never gamble in this town again.
That's it? You're not gonna break our legs or anything? I went to the Cornell School of Hotel Management.
You got 30 minutes to check out, and I never want to see any of your faces around here again.
Okay, 30 minutes, three contestants' room keys and a case of Mike's Hard Lemonade.
See you guys at the car.