Justice League Episode Scripts

N/A - Flash and Substance

Gentlemen, we live in brutal times.
Last week, to make ends meet, I was reduced to hijacking a tractor-trailer full of sports cars.
That is so beneath you.
At least knock over a bank.
You gotta visualize.
Visualize? What the heck does that mean? If I don't visualize a mortgage payment soon the wife'll have me bagging groceries for a living.
She's always been an ice-queen, that one.
Captain Boomerang, you old son of a wallaby.
Mirror Master, Captain Cold.
Does me good to see the old faces.
Even the Trickster.
We heard you were out early.
Time off for good behavior, you might say.
I cut me a good deal.
Got my sentence down to five years.
And now they tell me I'm reformed.
Reformed? The man who robbed an entire fleet of armored cars in one month? Now that was a crime.
Yeah, too bad the Flash busted you and you didn't get the chance to spend a dime of it.
And you know what else? Well, at least he didn't make me eat my own laser kaleidoscope.
That's a rumor, a complete exaggeration.
And anyway it was a laser pistol.
It's like that time I stole an entire train while it was moving.
The way people tell it, you'd think the Flash shoved my cold gun-- You know, I've had him on the ropes too.
Yeah, that's the way I heard it.
So we're the hardest men in town-- What'll it be, boys? Arnold Palmer.
Cherry cola.
Decaf soy latte.
My ulcer's been acting up.
The hardest men in town, and we all have something in common.
Bilateral symmetry.
We'd all be living like kings if it weren't for the Flash.
-Don't tell me.
-I'll say.
The Flash has put each of us away at one time or another.
He's interfered with our livelihoods.
And to complete the insult, the city has honored this buttinsky with a museum.
Tomorrow's supposed to be the biggest day in the Flash's life.
I say we make it his last.
Wally, what do you got for me? It's kinda great.
The luminol showed a blood stain on the toe.
Couldn't type it, 'cause it was cleaned off with dish soap.
But we went one better.
Turns out the soap is the same brand as the one in the victim's kitchen.
Nice work.
That's the way to nail a crook.
It's one way.
Hey, I'm taking that half-day, remember? You need anything else? Nope.
Take off.
-Bye, Wally.
-Later, Rick.
-Take care.
-Later, Margie.
-Have a good one.
-Later, Tony.
Watchtower, table for one.
Hey, guys.
So looks like Superman and GL are in space, Wonder Woman's doing disasters.
Why are you here? Oh, right, uh, 'cause it's Flash Appreciation Day? Yeah, it'll be great.
I understand if everybody's too busy to come.
No biggie.
My mom's gonna be there, and let's see, my uncle's flying in.
It'd be great if one of the original seven made it.
I mean, okay, yeah, it's a Flash Museum but to me, the whole League deserves the honor.
All of us.
Like I said, no biggie.
What time? -Six o'clock.
You're really coming? Awesome! You're a standup guy, Bats.
Don't ever let them call you a crazed loner.
Well, I got a lot to do.
I'm getting the key to the city, I need to practice my museum speech, and hey, I better polish my boots.
I can't believe you let that buffoon manipulate you.
You'd never see me at one of these museum openings.
It's not black tie, is it? Hey, guys, how they bitin'? -Flash.
-Congrats, man.
-Good going.
Hey, Flash, big day.
Hi, Ed.
Lurleen, that bursitis any better? I'll say.
You really know your liniment.
-You're the best, Flash.
-Good going.
-You're so amazing.
Help! Mommy, help! Help, Mommy! It's dark and I'm scared.
What's wrong, sweetie? You lost? Come on, I'll take you-- Hey! Everybody on the dance floor Mirror Master.
You're quick as ever.
Yeah? Well, you're-- You're not really all there.
Nice try.
If you had another minute, you'd probably think of a decent comeback.
Ooh Sadly, you don't have the time.
Everybody on the dance floor Ah! Ugh! In another minute you'll be dead.
Come on and dance with me I was never fond of you, Flash.
But I'm a reasonable man.
If you just looked the other way once in a while we could have coexisted in peace.
Instead, you never let up.
So you've gotta go.
That music is what's gotta go.
Ooh, whoa While you're waiting for me to come arrest you, why not take some time and reflect on your mistakes? Hey, that was pretty good.
For his charitable work with the city's underprivileged, his bravery during the Thanagarian crisis, and most of all for his great help reducing crime in Central City, I proclaim this Flash Appreciation Day.
Thanks, mayor.
Thanks, folks.
You've all been so great to me over the years it really gets to me, you know? Hope I always make you guys proud.
Aww Umthat's all.
How's it going? Nice slacks.
Hey, Mrs.
I didn't forget about painting your fence Saturday.
Once I get started, it won't take very long.
Tom, we still on for mini golf Sunday? Oh, don't tell me.
Boomerangs! Clear the area! That should do it.
Ugh! G'day, mate.
Captain Boomerang here.
Seems that Mirror Master wasn't up to the task.
Now it's my shot.
I'm gonna kill you ugly, Flash, and I want you to see it coming.
I swear, when I get out of this I'm gonna find you and hurl all over you.
Touch of dizziness? You might find it useful to fix on one point on the horizon.
For instance, that mountain you're set to crash into.
-Hey, guys.
You're tied to a very large boomerang.
Yeah? What are you guys doing here? The thing isn't for another hour.
Someone means to kill you.
You don't say? Waller told me that Boomerang left Task Force X.
So I did some checking.
Three other super-criminals from Central City are off the radar.
Hey, Mirror Master took a shot at me too.
Here's what we're going to do.
I need to go home and change before the opening tonight.
We're coming with you.
You really don't have to.
We're coming with you.
Okay, but you guys are so slow.
I can't believe you expect us to kick in for that fiasco.
Don't you start pouting, Cold.
That stunt cost me a fortune.
Boomer, must you always plead poverty? I've got my overhead.
You just pull another mirror out your blinkin' arsenal.
What's that cost? Nothin'.
Me next.
It's my turn.
Nothing as stupid as a giant boomerang.
Firstly, I get 400 cases of fake dog vomit.
I grease the bottoms of them, and when the Flash runs into them, the whole mess slides into a wall of metal spikes.
The cases break open, and what's left of the Flash is buried alive in phony barf.
And then, everything explodes.
You know what? Taking turns is dumb.
Let's just all jump him at the museum.
Good deal.
But come on.
It'll be great.
Okay, you don't like the barf? I can make do with 50,000 rotten eggs and a chainsaw.
Well, if that's the way you're gonna be, forget about it! I quit! Nobody gets me.
This is where you live? Isn't it great? Low maintenance fees, and there's a laundry room on the same floor.
The way you talk, I would have thought your Central City had built you a palace.
You get a big burst of flavor in every bite! Dude.
That was my last standee.
It startled me.
Cool, huh? The hard part is getting the costume back into it.
Take these attempts on your life more seriously.
What? Manure Master and Captain Koala? No way.
-Not just them.
Captain Cold and the Trickster.
That's four super-criminals with an axe to grind.
If there were some way to hunt them down we could eliminate these dogs before they strike again.
Look, I'll just round them all up tomorrow.
They all hang out at this little hole-in-the-wall on 4th Street.
My plan was solid.
I mean, what's so special about a disco of death? Heck with all of them.
I'm an artist, they're just robbing banks.
Captain Cold, Captain Boomerang.
They probably would have gone for it if I was a captain.
It's a snot gun.
Ha, ha.
Where are the others? Those crabby hacks can go plug a hole for all I care.
But I'm not about to rat 'em out.
While you still have a jaw.
Would you guys please take it down a notch? Let me handle this.
James, you're off your meds, aren't you? I'm better off without 'em.
Take 'em if I start feeling down.
You know that's not how the medicine works.
You're not well.
I'm fine.
You wanna throw some darts? No.
Listen, James, you're wearing the suit again.
I am? Well, what do you know.
Here's the deal, buddy.
Tell me where those guys went, and I promise to come see you in the hospital.
We'll play darts.
The soft kind.
They're gonna ambush you at the Flash Museum.
See, that's all we needed.
Come on, we better get over there.
What about your enemy? Oh, right.
Dude, soon as you finish your drink, turn yourself in.
Got me again, Flash.
The Central-Keystone area's beloved superhero, the Flash, is on hand for the opening of the new Flash Museum.
When we come back, I'll try to get with him.
Uh, get to him for an interview.
Are we off? Jeez, he's a total babe.
Like, the entire track team at once.
I can't believe you're not into him, Marla.
Okay, now you're off.
All clear on my end.
And I've removed every mirrored surface in the entire museum.
To enter the building, they'd have to come through us.
They'd be stupid to try.
Central City builds statues to this fool who makes bad jokes.
Who concerns himself with pitiful men like the Trickster.
I don't understand.
No, you don't.
Flash, hi.
Over here.
Evening news.
I'm going live again in about 50 seconds.
Can I get a few words from you then? Huh? Uh, oh, sure.
And, uh, here.
Oh, uh, thanks.
Thirty seconds, Linda.
Okay, let me touch up.
Now! Thanks, miss.
We'll take it from here.
If we aren't taking turns, let's at least see who hurts him the worst.
Better you than me.
Oh, Boomer.
Not the Turtle Man display.
Argh! Hey, been lookin' for that.
You are so cleaning this place up.
Make me.
Or rather, find me.
Ugh! There you are.
Time out, time out.
Hang on, lady.
Oof! Ugh! I've never seen so many stars.
Are we dead? Those aren't stars.
They're millions and millions of mirrors.
We're trapped in another dimension.
You mind if I carry you? Please.
Did it work? Kinda.
We know that isn't the mirror that takes us out of here.
We have to try them one at a time? That could take years, even for you.
Where'd he go? He's gone.
Lost forever in a mirror.
Time to seek the nearest exit.
That's it? I was all set to crack some bones.
Then brace yourself.
Let's make sure this one don't get up again.
Missed me.
Flash, look.
This'll make my rep forever.
Argh! Gentlemen.
Are you sure that's all of the pieces? I demand a full accounting.
Where's my lawyer? I know my rights, you obscene caricature of a civil servant! So don't worry, we took care of the bad guys, and everything's okay now.
Flash, what about the new museum? It got destroyed in the battle, and it was our biggest shrine to you.
And you're our greatest hero, our greatest hope.
Well, at least I got to be on TV.
And you know how much I like that.
Now I understand.
You play the fool to hide a warrior's pain.
Dude, the bad guys went down, and nobody got hurt.
You know what I call that? A really good day.