Keeping Up Appearances s04e05 Episode Script

( theme music playing ) IS THIS THE BUCKET RESIDENCE? WELL, THERE ARE TWO SCHOOLS OF THOUGH ABOUT THAT SHE PRONOUNCES I "BOUQUET.
" BUT IT'S SPELLED "BUCKET.
" MRS.
BUCKET? "BOUQUET, BOUQUET.
" IT'S VERY UPSETTING TO HAVE UNIFORMED POLICEMEN CALLING AT THE HOUSE.
IT'S NOT ENTIRELY A PLEASURE FOR ME, MADAM.
COULDN'T YOU HAVE COME IN PLAIN CLOTHES? I'M IN THE UNIFORMED BRANCH, MADAM.
THEY MIGHT HAVE SEN SOMEONE OF SENIOR RANK IN A SMART SUIT.
NOW, WHEN YOU LEAVE THIS PROPERTY, MY HUSBAND HERE WILL LEND YOU A BLANKET.
I'M SORRY, MADAM, I CAN'T DO THAT.
- NOW, ABOUT YOUR FATHER-- - WHAT'S HE BEEN DOING? IF DADDY'S BEEN DOING ANYTHING, IT WILL BE IN THE NATION'S BEST INTERESTS.
HE WAS FOUND EARLY THIS MORNING, SIR, CLAIMING TO BE ON SENTRY DUTY OUTSIDE THE TOWN HALL.
THAT'S DADDY! SUCH A SENSE OF DUTY.
HE WOULDN'T LE THE MAYOR'S SECRETARY INTO THE BUILDING.
NOW, MADAM, WHAT DO YOU WANT US TO DO WITH HIM? "DO WITH HIM"? YOU MUSTN'T "DO" ANYTHING WITH HIM.
- WHERE IS HE NOW? - HE'S AT THE POLICE STATION.
HOW INSENSITIVE! MY DADDY IMPRISONED! OH, RICHARD, THIS MUSTN' LEAK OUT.
WILL IT BE IN THE PAPERS? I DON'T THINK IT'LL MAKE THE HEADLINES, MADAM! THERE'S A POLICEMAN GONE INTO HYACINTH'S.
ABOUT TIME.
I EXPEC THEY'VE CAUGHT UP WITH HER AT LONG LAST, FOR SINGING UNDER FALSE PRETENSES.
( giggling ) YOU GOT TO GIVE HER POINTS FOR NERVE.
SHE MADE HIM LEAVE HIS BOOTS OUTSIDE.
OF COURSE.
SHE'D DO EXACTLY THE SAME THING IF IT WAS THE PRIME MINISTER.
I WONDER WHAT HE WANTS.
IF HE'S TALKING TO HYACINTH, HE WANTS ALL THE HELP HE CAN GET.
( moaning ) LOOK, MADAM, IF YOU'LL JUST PICK UP YOUR FATHER, IT WILL ALL BE OVER AND DONE WITH.
MR.
"BOUQUET" WILL HAVE TO FETCH HIM.
- ME?! - I CAN'T GO, DEAR I HAVE AN APPOINTMEN WITH AN ESTATE AGENT.
DADDY WILL UNDERSTAND.
GIVE HIM MY LOVE, AND MAKE SURE HE DOESN'T PLAY HIS BUGLE IN CONFINED SPACES.
NOW WHEN YOU LEAVE THIS BUNGALOW, I WANT YOU TO BE WEARING A BROAD SMILE.
I CANNOT HAVE THE NEIGHBORS ASSUMING I'M IN TROUBLE WITH THE POLICE.
- I'LL DO MY BEST, MADAM.
- LET'S SEE IT, THEN.
YOURSMILE, DEAR.
- HYACINTH - SMILE! OH, I'LL SETTLE FOR YOURS.
SMILE.
SMILE.
THAT WAS A RARE EXPERIENCE.
- IS SHE ALWAYS LIKE THAT? - VERY CONSISTENTLY.
HER FATHER IS A BIT AS WELL.
JUST AN OLD FRIEND, ELIZABETH.
OR RATHER, THE SON OF AN OLD FRIEND.
HE'S JUST JOINED THE POLICE FORCE.
SHE PROMISED HE'D POP IN FOR US TO SEE HIM IN HIS UNIFORM.
VERY SMART, ISN'T HE? BYE! GET UP, ONSLOW.
FATHER'S NO IN HIS BED.
HE COULD HAVE BEEN GONE FOR HOURS.
THAT'S IT, THEN, THE TRAIL'S GONE COLD.
NO GOOD TRYING TO FIND HIM NOW.
OH, WELL, PITY.
BUT LIFE MUST GO ON.
OH, COME ON, ONSLOW.
I'D HELP YOU TO FIND YOUR FATHER.
WELL, THAT'S EASY, WE KNOW WHERE HE IS-- HE'S BEEN DEAD FOR 12 YEARS.
HIS STEEL HELME IS GONE.
OH, HECK.
HE'S NOT BACK IN THE WAR? HAS HIS BUGLE GONE? IT HAS! HIS BUGLE'S GONE.
HIS BUGLE'S GONE.
HE'S GO HIS STEEL HELMET? HE'S GOT HIS BUGLE? HAS HE GO HIS TROUSERS ON? OH! YES, HE MUST HAVE.
YES, HE'S GO HIS TROUSERS ON.
GOOD.
I CAN' STAND WATCHING HIM BLOWING THAT BUGLE, WITHOU HIS TROUSERS ON.
- RED IN THE FACE IS ONE THING, BUT RED IN-- - JUST GET UP, ONSLOW.
HYACINTH, WHY DON'T WE POSTPONE - LOOKING AT PROPERTIES UNTIL TOMORROW? - RICHARD! YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO FINDING OUR SECOND HOME IN THE COUNTRY.
DOKNOW.
IT'S JUST THAT I DON'T LIKE YOU LOOKING AT PROPERTIES ON YOUR OWN.
BUT YOU CAN' POSSIBLY GO, DEAR.
YOU HAVE TO COLLECT DADDY.
AT THE POLICE STATION.
BUT WE COULD GET ONSLOW TO PICK HIM UP.
NO, I WILL NO HAVE ONSLOW PICKING DADDY UP IN BROAD DAYLIGHT.
ONE LOOK AT ONSLOW, AND THEY'LL KEEP THEM BOTH IN FOR QUESTIONING.
YOU'LL HAVE TO GO, DEAR.
WELL, I-- OH--! YOU'LL BUY SOMETHING ENORMOUS, I KNOW YOU WILL.
- WHO'S GONNA DRIVE YOU? - ELIZABETH WILL DRIVE ME.
MAYBE SHE'LL BE TOO BUSY-- NOW LEAVE-- LEAVE IT.
LEAVE IT.
( exasperated sigh ) WELL-- I SUPPOSE I CAN, HYACINTH.
YES, OF COURSE.
RIGHT THEN.
15 MINUTES? WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY NO? YOU'VE GOT TO LEARN TO SHOW MORE RESISTANCE TO THAT WOMAN, LIZ.
SHE JERKS YOUR STRING AND OFF YOU GO.
I'M NOT INVITED FOR COFFEE.
SHE WANTS ME TO DRIVE HER INTO THE COUNTRY.
SHE'S LOOKING AT PROPERTIES.
SHE'S STILL LOOKING! OH.
THANK HEAVENS YOU DIDN'T SAY NO.
TO SAY NO.
NOT WHEN IT'S IN SUCH A GOOD CAUSE.
LISTEN TO ME, LIZ.
PAY ATTENTION.
THIS IS YOUR OPPORTUNITY.
- FOR WHAT? - TO MAKE SURE HYACINTH BUYS A PROPERTY.
DON'T LET HER COME BACK HERE WITHOUT A PROPERTY! SHE'S NOT LOOKING FOR SOMETHING TO MOVE INTO PERMANENTLY.
I KNOW THAT, LIZ.
BUT I'D SETTLE FOR HER BEING AWAY JUST A COUPLE OF DAYS A WEEK.
FIND HER A PROPERTY! ( softly ) PLEASE! NOW, RICHARD, I AM ENTRUSTING YOU WITH A VERY SPECIAL MISSION.
I WANT YOU TO COLLECT DADDY WITH THE UTMOST SECRECY.
THAT DADDY WAS IN PRISON.
HE'S NOT IN PRISON, HE'S IN A POLICE STATION.
NOW, I WANT YOU TO WEAR THESE-- A PAIR FOR DADDY, AND A PAIR FOR YOU.
WHY? BECAUSE NO ONE MUS RECOGNIZE YOU AS YOU LEAVE THE POLICE STATION.
LOOK, I-- THIS IS A VERY SPECIAL MISSION, RICHARD.
SHH! ( gasps ) I WISH I WAS GOING WITH YOU.
WE'RE LOOKING FOR A LITTLE COUNTRY COTTAGE.
YOU'LL BUY SOMETHING HUGE, I KNOW YOU WILL.
YOU'LL BUY SOMETHING WE CAN'T AFFORD.
WHAT HAVE I EVER PRESENTED YOU WITH THAT WE CAN'T AFFORD? WELL, SHERIDAN FOR A START.
NOW WHA ARE YOU DOING? I'M MAKING SURE THE COAST IS CLEAR.
FOR WHAT? IF ANYONE SEES YOU, TELL THEM YOU'RE ON BUSINESS.
WHY WOULD ANYONE EVEN BE INTERESTED? RICHARD! WITH A SECOND HOME IN THE OFFING, WE'RE BOUND TO BE THE CENTER OF ATTENTION.
OFF YOU GO THEN, DEAR.
AND DO BE CAREFUL WITH DADDY.
HE'S NOT ACCUSTOMED TO BEING PICKED UP AT POLICE STATIONS.
DO BE KIND TO DADDY.
REMEMBER HIS TRACK RECORD IN BUDGERIGAR-SHOWING CIRCLES.
OH, RICHARD? HAVEN'T YOU FORGOTTEN SOMETHING, DEAR? AND REMEMBER, IF ANYONE ASKS-- YOU'RE ON BUSINESS.
DON'T BUY ANYTHING BIG.
THINK SMALL AND POKEY, I LIKE SMALL AND POKEY.
PSST! PSS-SST! WHAT'S WRONG NOW? YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE SOMEONE ON BUSINESS.
YOU LOOK LIKE SOMEONE WHO'S GONE TO FETCH A DADDY FROM A POLICE STATION.
TRY TO BE MORE CONVINCINGLY EXECUTIVE, RICHARD.
( whistling "Whistle While You Work" ) WHAT SORT OF PROPERTY ARE YOU INTERESTED IN, HYACINTH? JUST SOME QUIE LITTLE NOOK IN THE COUNTRY.
- ISN'T RICHARD INTERESTED? - OH YES, HE'S VERY INTERESTED.
HE WOULD'VE DRIVEN ME BUT HE'S GONE INTO TOWN ON BUSINESS.
- SUDDEN BUSINESS? - YES, QUITE SUDDEN.
EXECUTIVE BUSINESS.
ABSOLUTELY INNOCENT, OF COURSE.
TURN LEFT HERE, DEAR.
YES, I ALWAYS TURN LEFT HERE.
AND MIND THAT PEDESTRIAN.
- IS THERE A PEDESTRIAN? - GOOD HEAVENS, ELIZABETH.
CAN'T YOU SEE, DEAR? - THERE'S NO ONE IN THE ROAD.
NOT IN THE ROAD-- ON THE PAVEMENT.
I USUALLY MISS THE ONES ON THE PAVEMENT.
RICHARD? RICHARD! I THOUGH IT WAS YOU.
IT IS YOU, ISN'T IT? OH, EMMET! SHOULDN'T YOU BE OUT BUYING PROPERTY? I SHOULD, REALLY.
HYACINTH GETS CARRIED AWAY.
- SO WHY DIDN'T YOU GO? - I HAVE A LITTLE BUSINESS IN TOWN.
- I'LL WALK WITH YOU.
- OH GOOD.
- Emmet: IS IT FAR? - FARTHER THAN I THOUGHT.
LEFT HERE, DEAR.
NO.
AS YOU WERE, TURN RIGHT.
( blue car honking ) RICHARD! HOW ARE YOU, RICHARD? FINE, THANK YOU, ERIC.
FINE.
I THOUGH IT WAS YOU FROM BEHIND.
I RECOGNIZED THE WALK.
I MUST SAY, I WOULD HAVE NEVER RECOGNIZED YOU FROM THE FRONT.
OH, THESE! I'M JUS BREAKING THEM IN, IN CASE WE GO ON HOLIDAY SOMEWHERE HOT AND SUNNY.
ARE YOU GOING ON HOLIDAY SOMEWHERE HOT AND SUNNY? NO, BU YOU NEVER KNOW.
- HOW IS HYACINTH? - ALL RIGHT, I THINK-- I HOPE.
HOW ARE YOU COPING WITH THE TIME, RICHARD? WE OFTEN TALK ABOUT YOU AT THE CLUB.
GLAD TO SEE THAT YOU SOMETIMES GET OUT ON YOUR OWN.
IT'S FUNNY YOU SHOULD SAY THAT.
SOMETIMES IT'S-- VERY DIFFICUL TO BE ON YOUR OWN, DON'T YOU FIND? NICE TO HAVE A BREAK FROM THE LITTLE WOMAN, I EXPECT? I'D RATHER BE WITH HER THIS MORNING.
YOU'D RATHER BE WITH HER? SHE WORRIES ME WHEN SHE'S OU ON HER OWN.
SHE GETS CARRIED AWAY.
- STOP! - ( tires screeching ) THAT WAS IT.
WE PASSED IT.
THAT'S IT.
HYACINTH, IT'S ENORMOUS.
ARE YOU SURE? OH YES, I HAVE A NOSE FOR THESE THINGS.
LOOK-- IT SAYS, "MARSTON HALL.
" DOES THIS THING GO BACKWARDS? YES, OF COURSE! WELL, I GET OU AND SEE YOU IN.
NO, NO, HYACINTH, I CAN MANAGE.
NO, DEAR, I'LL GUIDE YOU.
( tires screeching ) FAR TOO FAST.
DOES YOUR WIFE APPROVE OF YOU DRIVING AT THAT SPEED? ( engine buzzes ) ( sighs ) WHAT WERE YOU DOING, WOMAN? I DON'T THINK I CARE FOR YOUR TONE.
LOOK, ELIZABETH.
LOOK.
OH, HYACINTH, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
I COULD LIVE THERE.
YOU MUST COME AND VISIT US, ELIZABETH.
TAKE TEA ON THE TERRACE.
OH, YES.
I SHALL LIKE IT HERE.
ONE'S SPIRI WILL EXPAND.
DRIVE ON, ELIZABETH.
Hyacinth: LET'S GO AND FIND THE MAIN ENTRANCE.
IT'S BOUND TO HAVE MORE THAN ONE.
THERE'S A GOOD DADDY.
DON'T FORGET THIS, SIR.
IT'S NOT LOADED.
AND, THIS! DON'T! DON'T YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.
- Richard: GOODBYE.
- GOODBYE, SIR.
- ( phone rings ) - POLICE STATION, SERGEANT WATKINS.
IT'S FOR YOU, SIR.
FOR ME? HELLO? OH, HYACINTH, YOU SHOULDN'T BE RINGING ME HERE.
YOU FOUND IT? WHAT HAVE YOU FOUND? OH, THE HOUSE.
OH, LISTEN, HYACINTH, DON'T SIGN ANYTHING UNTIL I GET THERE.
( nervous chuckle ) YES, I'VE GO YOUR FATHER, HE'S HERE.
WHAT? OH, I'M SORRY, DADDY, NO.
APPARENTLY, I SHOULDN'T HAVE TOLD YOU HE'S HERE.
HE'S AFRAID I'VE GIVEN HIS POSITION AWAY TO THE ENEMY.
YES, I'LL TAKE DADDY HOME, AND MEET YOU AT THIS PLACE YOU'VE FOUND.
NOW, WHAT'S THE ADDRESS? JUST A MINUTE, HYACINTH.
OH, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
HELLO.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
YES HYACINTH, YES.
ER, "MARSTON HALL.
" HMM.
YES HYACINTH, THIS SOUNDS LIKE A VERY EXPENSIVE ADDRESS.
Hyacinth: I LIKE IT.
IT'S VERY GRAND.
ME.
THE PERFECT SETTING FOR MY CANDLELIGHT SUPPERS WITH FULL SILVER SERVICE AND HAND-THROWN AFTER-DINNER MINTS.
IT'S A PLACE I'D HATE TO SPILL COFFEE IN.
YOU KNOW, I THINK THE BEST VIEW WAS AS WE CAME DOWN THE DRIVE.
TAKE ME THERE, ELIZABETH.
I'D LIKE TO SEE I FROM THAT ANGLE AGAIN.
Hyacinth: I SHALL GET SHERIDAN TO PAINT A PICTURE.
HE'S VERY TALENTED WITH A SMALL HORSEHAIR BRUSH.
I THINK JUS A LITTLE FURTHER, ELIZABETH, ABOUT HERE! YES.
STOP.
OH, YES! I SHALL COME HERE FREQUENTLY, TO LOOK.
IT IS BEAUTIFUL.
AND IF WE WALK ACROSS THIS PARKLAND HERE, I EXPECT IT LOOKS EVEN MORE SPECTACULAR.
COME ALONG, ELIZABETH.
BUT-- WHAT ABOU THE CAR? OH, NEVER MIND THE CAR.
IF I'M GOING TO BUY THE PLACE, I'M SURELY ENTITLED TO LEAVE THE CAR WHERE I LIKE.
NEARLY OFF-DUTY, DADDY.
( thunder rumbles ) ( softly ) DOWN.
DOWN! ( thunder continues ) HOLD.
RIGHT.
COME ON! - RIGHT, RIGHT HERE.
- RIGHT HERE.
( loud thunderclap ) Richard: THAT WAS PRETTY EFFECTIVE.
OH, I CAN'T WAI TO GET INSIDE AND HAVE A LOOK AROUND.
THE AGENT SAID SHE'D BE HERE AT 11:30.
PERHAPS YOU WON' LIKE THE INSIDE.
I SHALL LOVE IT.
Hyacinth: OH, I SHALL BE VERY HAPPY HERE.
Elizabeth: YOU'VE MADE YOUR DECISION, THEN? Hyacinth: I THINK SO, ELIZABETH.
IT'S VERY SUITABLE FOR ENTERTAINING, YOU SEE.
I SHALL BE A BEACON FOR THE BES IN HOSPITALITY FOR MILES AROUND.
PERHAPS THIS IS THE AGENT NOW.
COME ON.
MRS.
BUCKET? IT'S "BOUQUET.
" OH I'M SORRY I'M LATE.
SOME FOOL HAS LEFT A CAR BLOCKING THE BRIDGE.
ARE YOU AUTHORIZED TO GAIN ENTRANCE? YES, EVERYTHING IS IN HERE.
GOOD.
AFTER YOU, THEN.
I'LL JUST GO AND MOVE THE CAR.
IT MIGHT BE BEST, DEAR.
IT WAS A SILLY PLACE TO LEAVE IT.
SORRY TO RUSH OFF.
I'VE GOT TO MEE HYACINTH IN THE COUNTRY.
BYE! HIS CAR WON'T START.
AND THIS IS KNOWN AS THE "LAKE ROOM.
" OH WHAT A LOVELY VIEW.
IT THAT A RIVER OUT THERE? IT'S A LAKE.
REALLY? THE MAN IN THE WHEELCHAIR IS SIR EDWARD.
YOU'LL BE NEIGHBORS.
NEIGHBORS! SIR EDWARD, WE ARE TO BE NEIGHBORS.
I'M HYACINTH "BOUQUET.
" ( loudly ) MIND THE FOOT! DO MIND THE FOOT.
- SIR EDWARD HAS VERY PAINFUL GOUT.
- GOUT? ONE OF THE FAVORITE AILMENTS OF THE UPPER CLASSES.
MIND THE FOOT! YOU MUST BE ONE OF THE FIRS OF MY EVENING SOIREES, SIR EDWARD.
WHAT KIND OF PLACE IS THIS THAT OUR HYACINTH IS BUYING? I'VE NO IDEA, BUT I HOPE IT'S SMALL.
I WOULDN'T BET ON IT.
OUR HYACINTH IS NO VERY BIG ON SMALL.
DON'T JUST SIT THERE GRINNING LIKE THAT, FATHER, TELL RICHARD WHAT YOU DID TO HIS CAR.
SO IT WOULDN'T START.
HE TOOK OUT THE ROTOR ARM.
HE ALWAYS TAKES OU THE ROTOR ARM.
IT'S WHAT THEY USED TO DO TO DISABLE CARS IN THE WAR.
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH RICHARD'S ROTOR ARM? HE THROWS THEM AWAY-- SO NOTHING FALLS INTO THE HANDS OF THE ENEMY.
( sigh ) IT'S VERY KIND OF YOU TO GIVE ME A LIFT.
NO PROBLEM.
ANYWAY, I'M DYING TO SEE WHAT HYACINTH IS BUYING.
YOU'RE NO THE ONLY ONE.
OH, AND THIS IS SHERIDAN, SIR EDWARD, IN COSTUME FOR HIS FIRS SCHOOL PLAY.
HE PLAYED A DAFFODIL.
EVERYBODY AGREED HE WAS ENORMOUSLY CONVINCING.
OH AND HERE'S SHERIDAN AGAIN.
STOP! THAT'S IT! CAN'TBE IT.
ACCORDING TO HYACINTH'S DIRECTIONS, THAT MUST BE IT.
THERE'S ONE WAY TO FIND OUT.
MAYBE THERE'S A SMALL COTTAGE IN THE GROUNDS.
OH, THAT MUST BE IT.
YEAH, THERE'D BE A SMALL COTTAGE IN THE GROUNDS.
PLENTY OF OPEN SPACE TO RAISE A FAMILY IN.
SHE'S GETTING "BROODY" AGAIN.
I'M AWFULLY SORRY ABOU BLOCKING THE ROAD EARLIER, IT WASN'T ENTIRELY MY FAULT.
I CAN BELIEVE THAT.
FRIEND OF YOURS, IS SHE? - SHE'S MY NEIGHBOR.
- YOU POOR THING! ( Sir Edward shouting ) YOU NEEDN'T WHEEL ME, I CAN MANAGE.
NONSENSE, SIR EDWARD.
WHAT ARE NEIGHBORS FOR? I WANT YOU TO MEET MY HUSBAND.
HE'LL BE ALONG, MOMENTARILY.
( musical car honk ) OH NO! Sir Edward: WHAT THE HELL'S--? WHAT ARE YOU DOING, WOMAN? ( sniffs ) HELLO, RICHARD.
TELL ME SHE HASN' SIGNED ANYTHING.
SHE HAS, ACTUALLY.
FOR THIS? IT'S ONLY A FLAT, RICHARD.
THE PLACE IS SUBDIVIDED INTO APARTMENTS.
SHE HASN'T BOUGH THE WHOLE HOUSE.
ONEFLAT? RICHARD! EXCUSE ME.
RICHARD, I EXPECTED YOU TO COME ON YOUR OWN.
YOUR FATHER STOLE MY ROTOR ARM.
I'M SURE DADDY WOULDN'T STEAL YOUR ROTOR ARM.
HE PROBABLY HAD INSTRUCTIONS TO COMMANDEER I FOR MILITARY PURPOSES.
THE BUILDING DATES FROM 1577, AND IT IS SAID THAT QUEEN ELIZABETH I RICHARD.
YOU'LL LOVE OUR FLAT.
BUT WE HAVE SOME SPLENDID NEIGHBORS.
( screams ) RICHARD! RICHARD, DO SOMETHING.
DADDY IS ABOU TO PREJUDICE OUR LEASE.
COME ALONG! Hyacinth: DADDY! DADDY! GO AWAY, YOU MADMAN! HE DOESN'T MEAN ANY HARM.
I LIKE THE COUNTRY.
THERE'S NEVER A DULL MOMENT.
OH! ( theme music playing )