Las Vegas s05e14 Episode Script
Secrets, Lies and Lamaze
Previously on Las Vegas I'm A.
J.
Cooper, and I just bought the place.
Some of you will stay, and some of you will go.
We're all toast.
I feel it.
- Hey, Mike.
- Hey, Mr.
Cooper.
Ah, "Cooper.
" Such a kiss-ass.
How long you worked here, Polly? Long enough to see lot of hot, young girl turn into stinky old skank.
Thank you for sharing.
Why are you telling everybody I'm pregnant? It's great news, Delinda.
People are happy for us.
I don't know anybody who's actually had a baby on purpose.
- This whole thing isn't real to you yet, is it? - The baby isn't born until like next year.
It just feels like he's not taking this baby seriously, Mike.
Piper Nielsen.
I wanted to introduce myself.
Concierge Cooper poached from the maloofs.
Oh, strong handshake.
Nice eye contact.
Long, thick lashes.
I don't date older guys.
That's good to know.
Cpr, lamaze, licking techniques i am gonna know more About parenting than just about anybody, including you.
I think it's latching, not licking.
To each his own.
Hey, hey! Guys, guys, guys! Hey, hey, careful! Hey! Thing's a thousand years old, yes, from the qin dynasty, if that means anything to you.
Wow, look at that.
Cooper's really going out of his way to impress these investors from Macau, isn't he? That's smart, linking his interests in the Montecito and the shining dragon resort and casino? Macau is the future.
Look at this.
So did you know that in the first six months of a baby's life, they can distinguish more sounds than they can when they're fully grown? - I did not know that.
- Yeah, so they can adapt to any human language.
That's fascinating why the sudden interest in parenting? D said that I wasn't taking the baby seriously.
And I ran out of magazines the other day when I was sitting on the pot.
I hate when that happens.
She left a parenting book sitting there, so I started reading it, and I gotta tell you The miracle of life, dude, is amazing! - I mean, truly amazing.
- I tried to tell you.
Yeah, I know, but back then it just didn't feel real.
But now it's like there's a baby moving around in there.
I felt it kicking the other day.
Mikey, I cannot wait to meet this kid.
I can't wait to get this thing out of me, Sam.
I pee every ten minutes, my back is killing me, and I have heartburn that never goes away.
Who doesn't make u-Turns? That's american! That's american like porn and apple pie.
Are you even listening to me? Yeah, we all know your nipples hurt and you're nauseous.
Why don't you pay attention to me for once? You made an illegal u-Turn in a crosswalk with kids in it.
Yeah, with kids.
I had to tell those little kids to get out of the way.
Just pay it and stop complaining, okay? That's not gonna happen.
I gotta fight it.
- Where are you going? - I gotta go find my star witness.
Carter, I need something! Hey, Mandy.
You're still here.
Yeah, my dad's still organizing the luggage in the trunk, So I ran in to get those earrings that you showed me in the jewelry store.
- Ooh, hot! - Listen, I better get back to work.
But hopefully, I'll be able to see you and your parents next year.
Can I get a picture of us? I want to show everyone back home the person who made my first trip to sin city so much fun.
Okay, fine.
Where do you want me? Over here? Excuse me.
Could you take our picture? Oh, sure.
Oh, wait, you know what would be so cool? If we could take the picture of me playing.
No, no, no, no.
I know I'm not 21, but it's just one picture.
Please, please, please, please, please? - Okay, fine.
- Thank you! Wow, nice photo, really.
I mean, good use of positive and negative space.
If it weren't depicting an illegal act, we could frame it, Mr.
Mccoy.
Come on, the machine didn't even pay out.
Win or lose, the girl's a minor, and Piper knowingly allowed her to gamble in your casino.
- Okay, what are we looking at? - You've got two options.
- Either pay the fine - Which is how much? A million bucks? Are you kidding me? There's always option number two.
What's up? Mandy Freemont.
Nice girl.
- So you did know her pretty well? - Too well.
Her and her parents hounded me all weekend.
So you also knew that she wasn't 21? Yeah, I know she's not allowed to play slot machines, but But you let her play anyway? Danny, she was driving me crazy.
I was just trying to get rid of her.
Well, you should know that the woman who took the photo was an undercover gaming enforcement officer.
- I screwed up, didn't I? - Piper, you've been a good employee, - and everybody likes you.
- No, Danny, Danny, it was a dumb mistake.
I promise I will never let anything like that happen again.
Please! I'm sorry.
I gotta let you go.
Danny.
If you need a reference, you can call me.
I no want go with you, Sam.
Rather wide butt with angry porcupine.
Well, you have to, because you were in the car.
You're my only eyewitness.
Yeah, I know.
You saw kids and sped up.
Lucky they run fast.
Policeman should arrest you, not give you ticket.
Okay, here's your story no kids, no crosswalk.
Remember that.
You want Polly to lie under oats? Yes, of course! I mean, you may not have to.
The copy may not show up, and without his testimony, - they'll probably drop the whole thing.
- No, court scare me.
You ever see judge Judy? - All right, how much? - You say how much.
- 500.
- No way.
I make that in one hour.
- Give happy time to special client.
- A thousand.
Come on.
Okay, but I have two hour, then big cuticle disaster.
Take me all day like foreskin on cape Buffalo.
- You'll be back.
I promise.
- Okay.
So I heard you fired Piper.
I had no choice, man how did you know that? Piper told me.
She understood but was really upset.
I feel terrible about it, but what was I supposed to do? And please do not say anything to Delinda.
- She's gonna hate me.
- Yeah, of course.
She and Piper have become pretty close over the last couple of months.
- Hate coming right at ya! - Danny mccoy.
What do you have to say for yourself? How can you put your head on your pillow and sleep at night? I can answer that for you you won't.
I had no I had no choice, okay? It was the gaming commission.
They came down on me.
It was either fire her or pay a million dollar fine.
- What do you want me to do? - What's a million dollars to the Montecito? That would be fiscally irresponsible.
She's only been with us for a few months.
What's wrong? You okay? Sorry.
Acid reflux.
You still having the heartburn? I just wanna go home and lie down.
Yeah, but, uh, we can't bail on parenting class.
Why not? 'Cause I'm totally psyched for parenting class! - Really? - Yeah! Hold on one second.
Hey, Cooper, what's going on? I'll be right there.
Duty calls, babe, but, uh, so We're on? I guess I can be miserable there instead of home.
That's my that's my girl.
There's something you need to tell me? She allowed a minor to gamble in the casino.
I see.
Gaming commission caught her red-Handed.
- Did you have any other options? - A fine.
- How much? - Million.
I'd say they were trying to send us a message.
Look, I know how much everybody liked Piper around here.
But given the circumstances, i didn't have much choice.
- You did the right thing, Danny.
- I know.
I know.
Now, hire her back.
'Scuse me? Hire Piper back.
- What about the gaming commission? - I'll take care of it.
Furthermore, I'm ordering you to pay a fine in the amount of $275, plus three days community service.
We be here all day.
You told me ten minute.
I going to punch you in the ovary.
Next up, violation number k458q75.
Samantha jane Marquez.
Yes, your honor, I'm here.
Right.
And so is officer hayes, I see.
- Oh, crap.
- I thought you said cop not show up.
I was wrong! Cop here, you screwed.
- How do you plead, Ms.
Marquez? - Uh, not guilty, so And do you have any evidence or any witnesses? Uh, just one.
You were sick.
That's why I made a u-Turn to get to the hospital.
I thought you say not do anything.
Please.
State your name for the record.
- Polly Chae.
I very sick woman.
- Please proceed, Ms.
Marquez.
Uh, Ms.
Chae, on the day in question, were you in my car traveling east on stewart avenue? - Yes.
- Yes.
Sometime I get bloated, you know.
Stomach swell up like thanksgiving parade float.
Hurt like hell.
Yes.
You were sick that day, weren't you, Miss Chae? Oh, yeah, very bad gas, diarrhea I have burrito.
You don't want to smell that one.
And, you know, I need medical attention, and she save me.
She even tried to warn kids first before turning, you know.
She say, "move little asses out of way or get run over.
" I am convicting you of the offense, Ms.
Marquez, and in addition to the mandated fine, I'm sentencing you to traffic school - starting first thing tomorrow morning.
- Perfect.
- Oh, that suck for you, Sam.
- And for you, too Ms.
Chae.
You're going with her for lying in my courtroom.
Oh, no, no, please I give you free wax moustache.
You need.
Excuse me, do you mind if I put my ball down here? - No.
Have a seat.
- I'm Delinda.
This is Danny.
- Hi.
- How are you guys? I'm Annie.
This is my husband Chad.
And this is Elise.
- Oh, you're having a baby girl.
- Yeah.
Just found out last week.
We're kinda hoping to be surprised on the big day.
Hello, moms, dads, and special others.
Welcome to your first parenting class.
I like to start by answering a few questions.
Okay? My sister went through She said it was like pushing a freight train through a pinhole.
Wait, wait, I heard that the average length of labor is actually about 12 to 14 hours.
Most labors are relatively short.
- I want drugs.
Lots of them.
- But for the long ones, epidurals are quite effective in relieving pain and discomfort.
What about breast feeding? Is it true your nipples crack and bleed? Well, that does happen to some women.
But that's just until your breasts get conditioned.
Yeah, the nipples can also heal faster if you, you know, vary the feeding position.
You lay the baby on your lap or, you know, on your side, or you lay the baby next to you on the bed.
Did you hear that? Thank you, Danny.
- That's impressive.
- Thanks, man.
Whare you, and what have you done with my boyfriend? You talked about nipples out loud in a crowded room? Nipples are a natural part of the female anatomy, brother.
- I get that.
- A nipple is a conduit of nourishment between the mother and the child.
And kegeling.
Ever heard of kegeling? Braxton hicks contractions.
- We did a little prenatal yoga.
- Wow.
You're scaring me, bro.
Just sit up straight for a second.
I wanna show you something.
Isn't that Piper? Oh, yeah.
Cooper had me hire her back.
Said he would handle the gaming commission.
- Vegas connections already.
- Yeah.
He's full of surprises, isn't he? - Danny, Mike.
- Hey, beautiful.
How are you this evening? Are we are we in trouble again? Nope.
Just came by to collect the check.
What check? From A.
J.
Cooper.
If you ask me, a million dollars is a lot to pay for a concierge.
But then again I'm not a billionaire.
That's not any sense, why would Cooper pay the fine? I don't know.
Maybe he thinks Piper's a great concierge.
No savy businessman's gonna pay a million bucks for a concierge.
He would for a piece of ass.
What? I know this is difficult for you guys, but let me say it slowly Cooper is banging Piper.
- What? - No.
No way.
She's right.
We totally missed it! Yeah, we did.
She's so much unger than him.
She told me she didn't date older guys.
- She told you that 'cause you're poor.
- Guys, guys, he's coming.
Act normal.
How are we supposed to do that? I already have this stupid smile now.
- Hey! - Oh, hey, what's going on? How's the chinese menu coming along, Delinda? It's great.
We've got everything from mu shoo pork to egg so young.
- Foo yung.
- Foo yung.
Okay.
Sounds good.
Well, I got a meeting I gotta get to, so I'll see you guys.
- I got that thing.
- I have traffic school.
So - Are you okay? - Heatbrun, ac reflux.
Oh! That's a common problem as the baby gets bigger.
You need to avoid carbonated beverages, and sleep propped up a little bit.
- I'll try that.
- Yeah.
And if you need any help, please feel free to ask Piper.
She's back at work, you know.
I'm really glad.
We all really like Piper.
Don't we? Yes.
Take time to think.
There is never any need for mechanized death.
With more than 50,000 motorists killed annually on our highways, the traffic death rate has solidly entrenched itsf as the nation's third greatest killer, Second only to heart ailments and cancer.
Death is now a common sight on our highways.
It's senseless.
It's mechanized death.
I hope you enjoyed the inspirational movie mechanized death.
That very upsetting movie.
All the crash, bang, boom Remind me of first date with boyfriend.
What the hell are you doing here? What, a guy in a wheelchair can't speed? Come on.
I didn't know it went that fast.
I was in my bentley, Sam.
- You have a Bentley? - You are late.
Yes.
Yes, I am.
I'm sorry.
It says Frankie's comedy traffic school.
- You're not funny.
- No, I'm not.
I'm also not Frank.
My name is Ted.
Frank got a gig at a comedy club in reno this week.
I normally teach welding and video game design.
- Uh, hey, Frank, listen - Ted.
Uh, Ted, I am a very busy woman, so I really don't have time to be here.
If you could just write me down as having completed the course That would be fantastic.
Frank is my boyfriend.
So let's settle in for the long haul, shall we? Tramp.
Nine! Cooper.
I wanted to thank you for bringing me back.
You know, uh I heard you had to pay a fine, and I hope it wasn't too much.
It was a lot, and if you do anything that stupid again, I won't help you.
- You like being here? - Yeah.
I really do.
You know, it's in my best interest to keep you around.
Did you know that in Macau the casinos have very few crap tables? - I wonder why.
It's very popular here.
- Gamblers don't seem to like them.
Maybe you just never know what someone's gonna like, you know? No, I guess you don't.
Bring up any footage we have of Piper and Cooper together.
Everything, since we poached her from the Palms.
Wait, wait, wait.
Right there.
It's really nice of you guys to have us over.
We're all kinda in the same boat here.
Maybe when the kids are born, we can have, like, a play date.
A play date.
Yeah, sure.
That'd be that'd be great, man.
When are you guys due? Three weeks.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Soon.
- Yes.
- You nervous? - No.
No, no, no, no, no.
Take one of these.
It'll help with the reflux, and it's totally organic.
They have no clue how easy they have it, do they? Oh, how could they? They did the fun part.
Now everything else falls on us.
They think the occasional back rub is gonna make it all equal.
Chad loves to give me foot rubs.
Yeah, no, he's not very good at it.
Just finished painting the nursery last week.
- Really? - Yeah.
Yeah.
Annie wanted to get all the fumes out before, you know, the little princess arrived, so That's what we did.
Or that's what I did.
Yeah, I don't I don't think we talked about the nursery yet.
- Really? - Preschool already? - The baby's not even born yet.
- Yeah, but you gotta get on that, Delinda.
As soon as you know your due date, you get your baby enrolled in school.
Those waiting lists can be unbelievable.
My banker's amazing.
He'll help you out with that 529 fund right away.
The 529 is the - Tax deferred college fund, yeah.
- That's right, the college fund.
Oh, my gosh, you know what? Here, take this.
I've got plenty of copies.
That is my baby checklist.
I've got it broken down into categories Health, and then education, and finance.
And all of the relevant contact information is there.
It will really help you be prepared for baby.
You gotta start saving right away.
Hell, man, preschool's like 10 grand a year.
- For finger-painting.
- I know.
Imagine what college is gonna cost.
It's total bull hey, ladies! Hi.
We were just starting to worry about you guys.
Oh, well, Delinda was just showing me around their beautiful condo.
Why don't you guys come have a seat? Are you guys planning on getting a house? Yeah.
I mean, right now we're this'll be fine, and then maybe we'll decide after that.
Oh.
Well, are there any other babies that live in this building? - No.
- No.
No.
Just couples like us.
Great.
Wow.
Look at that balcony! Od, can you imagine? No.
Did you know that a rumor, by definition, is information that circulates without any substantiating evidence? Well My decision to bring Piper back was strictly professional.
Uh, you know, you don't owe me an explanation.
This is your place.
- You do whatever you want to do.
- Yeah, but still Then again, I am a very good listener.
Look, Danny, I know it's important that our employees know they're gonna be held accountable when they screw up.
But it's also important to offer a second chance to somebody as promising as Piper when she stumbles.
Somebody gave me a second chance once.
I would bet the same is true with you.
Uh, that's a nice sentiment, but you do realize this is probably gonna take us years to recoup this money.
The money came out of my personal account.
Hey, if I were you, i would keep that between us.
That little piece of information is, uh, not exactly gonna slow the rumor mill, if you know what I mean.
Can anyone tell me how you determine the proper distance between two cars? - It depends how fast you're going.
- Oh.
That is not correct.
- Oh, you apply three-second rule.
- That's right, Polly.
When the vehicle in front of you reaches a certain point, count to three, as in One-one thousand, two-one thousand, three-one thousand.
If you have passed said point before you finish counting, you are following too close.
He funny.
You having fun, Polly? You just jealous because Polly teacher pet.
You know, ruin bell curve for mediocre american c-student like you.
I have to get outta here.
It's now timen for our 15-minute, bathroom/snack/smoking break.
Please remember to sign back in before you return to the room.
And do not talk to me during our time down.
Listen, I need you to do me a little favor.
Oh, no.
Last time I do you favor, I end up here.
Yeah, 'cause I can't listen to Tom talk.
I can't be here with Ted all week.
I have to get back to the Montecito to take care of my whales.
When we get back from the break, I want you to sign my name in, and Ted will never know I was gone.
No, no, no.
Polly also have a busy job at casino.
You make me miss four mani-Pedi, in grown toenail, very nasty, complicated - I'm sorry about that, but - And I promise a heart-shape bush wax, anniversary present And two backdoor bleaches, my secret specialty.
I just need you to sign my name in after the break, okay? - No! - All right.
I love you.
No, no, no Hey, where you going? I've gone through every bit of surveillance footage of Piper and Cooper since they arrived here at the Montecito.
I can't find a single shot of them having lunch together, holding hands, taking afternoon siestas in a suite Don't you have better things to do than spy on the boss, man? - No, not really.
- Why are you so invested in this? I'm not, I'm just curious.
Curious by nature.
I mean, a woman tells you directly that she doesn't like older guys.
Then she turns around and has an affair with one? One much older than me.
Makes a guy curious.
- I see, I see.
- I just figured it out.
You're jealous! - That's what this is.
- No way.
- Absolutely not jealous.
- No, no, this makes perfect sense, Mike.
She's very attractive.
She's got body.
She's fun, she's energetic, and she turned you down.
- That's where you're wrong.
- She did not turn me down.
- Who didn't turn who down? - Piper sort of blew him off.
Ah, Mike, I'm so sorry.
Are your feelings hurt? - I don't like Piper.
I don't like Piper.
- You want what you can't have.
Well, good, good, 'cause if she's not doing the nasty with Cooper, I know she's hoping to bump uglies with Justin.
Wait Please don't say things like that, not with my baby.
- And who is Justin? - The cabana boy.
The one who likes to show off his little six-Pack? More like a 12-Pack.
He and his girlfriend just broke up, and he's back on the market.
Wait a second.
- What? - What about a test? A little rendezvous between Piper and Justin? If she goes for it, then we know she's not seeing Cooper.
But if she blows Justin off, then she's definitely taking moustache rides.
- Hey! - No, D.
Seriously, the baby can hear you.
Yeah.
That's an image I could have lived without, D.
Thanks.
- Oh, hey, Sam.
- Ah, no, no, I don't have time, lolita.
I'm all business all day.
Yeah, well, someone's waiting for you, and I think he's all business too.
Oh, is it one of my clients? Not unless the city's paying them more than they used to.
There she is, fugitive of law Slippery Sam! You sold me out? Friend no let friend go to traffic school by self.
Ms.
Marquez, Ms.
Chae, come with me.
Now.
- You bitch! - What you call me? Let's go! Let's go! Let's go.
Turn it off.
- You no call me that! - You little bitch! Hey, Piper.
- What's up? - Hi.
Justin.
You remember my name.
That's a good sign.
Yeah, well, uh, it's on your name Tag.
Usually.
Except you don't have one, because you're not wearing a shirt.
Naw, got a little sweaty, so I had to take it off to dry.
You should really be wearing a shirt, Justin, when you're inside.
It's kind of unprofessional.
- You want me to put my shirt on? - Yeah, it's not the pool.
I guess I'll just go to the pool.
Great idea.
She's a lesbian.
She's so totally doing Cooper.
It's not saying you can never park.
You just can't park here.
- Excuse me.
- Polly.
When sign say no u-turn, couldn't it also mean "No.
You, turn!" - Go ahead, what you waiting for? - There is no comma in that signage.
Okay, but still, very confusing.
Okay, everybody, I want you to pick out your favorite sign.
- Hello, Mr.
Schwager? - Hi! I'm so glad you called.
Yes, we are so looking forward to your stay at the Montecito.
Sir, I have your special I have a special I'm gonna have to call you back, Mr.
Schwa You'll get it back after class.
Check this out.
- It's a map.
- It's a map.
- What are the red dots for? - They represent Cooper and Piper.
The intersecting lines represent significant dates in their lives.
- And you made this? - Yeah.
- It's a little creepy.
- What? Just stick with me.
The first intersecting line Piper's born in Miami.
Cooper buys a string of condos in nearby Orlando.
The next intersecting line Piper goes to college in Madison.
Cooper buys Wisconsin's biggest paper mill.
- Aw, come on.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait.
She goes to work, front desk at a hotel in San Francisco.
He buys a high-tech company in San Jose.
The last intersecting line She goes to work at the Palms.
Three months later, he buys the Montecito, steals her away from the maloofs.
This could just be a coincidence.
Or no coincidence at all.
Luke I am your father.
- What are you Darth Vader? - Yeah.
What? It's a great Darth Vader.
What does that have to do with any of this? Cooper, Piper, Piper, Cooper.
Don't you The dimples? - Darth Vader never had dimples.
- No.
Cooper.
Piper.
They have dimples.
They're the same.
Cooper is Piper's father.
No.
Yes.
It's right here! Piper, my friends and I would love to have dinner tonight at 9:00 at the Palms, but the corner booth is reserved.
- Could you unreserve it? - I'll call the head waiter.
I'm sure he can move some things around to accommodate.
Thanks.
Ruby Slippers? Then, apparently, they would like to go to one of the strip bars where someone named - Ruby Slippers.
- Ruby Slippers performs.
Spearmint Rhino.
I'll make sure that she's working tonight.
- Three passes only.
- Understood.
Pretty smooth, Piper.
Cooper was definitely impressed.
I do owe him big time, Mike.
He did hire me back here.
He's tough, but he's, uh Really kind of fatherly, you know? Yeah.
I guess he sort of is.
Yeah.
My old man was never like that.
And look how good you turned out, huh? Sure did.
What about your dad? I don't really like to talk about him, so Was he a nice guy, huh? I'm sorry, I know it's none of my business.
Ah, it's okay.
I just, um I just never knew him, you know? He took off on my mother just after I was born.
So - You ever thought about tracking him down? - Never saw the point.
You gotta wonder about him.
Miss him, maybe? Mike, you can't miss what you never knew.
Hey.
What are you working on? Chad's broker sent over some college saving account forms.
Number nine on the check list.
Great.
Do you realize that by the time this kid's 18 years old, we'll have spent almost a half a million dollars? And that's if he or she goes to public school? And what if we don't move? It turns out that our school district sucks, so we're gonna have to send him to private school.
In which case, we may as well just, you know, fork over the money for a house in a good neighborhood.
Exactly.
Annie and Chad's Realtor.
I made an appointment next thursday to see that house.
Ah, okay.
I got a bunch of stuff next week.
I'll have to check my schedule.
Danny, it's number three on the checklist.
I mean, we have to find the right house in a good district.
- You just said so yourself.
- Oh, yeah.
You're right.
It's just all, uh, a little overwhelming.
- But it's a good thing we met Chad and Annie.
- Yeah.
- We'd be so unprepared for this baby.
- Yeah, they're great.
Yeah, they're great.
Hey, Carter.
This is my request for saturday off.
I know you haven't assigned them yet, but I was just hoping that I can get the weekend? I see You see, bad religion is in town.
I've got killer tickets, so No need to explain.
You take whatever day you want.
Really? Nobody wanted saturday off? Oh, they did.
But I'm giving it to you.
Okay.
Thanks, Carter.
I really appreciate that.
No problem.
What goes around comes around, right? What? Just don't forget us little people on the way up.
On the way up.
Okay, Carter, what are you talking about? Carter.
Carter! I was already slowing down when I got the ticket, but the cop didn't seem to care.
Gave me the maximum fine.
Oh.
How fast do you go? Uh 195.
He's lying.
No street legal car goes that fast.
Um, McLaren slr does.
Uh, hello! Could we stop lollygagging? - Switch seats with me.
- I can see instructor with no obstruction.
This is your seat.
That's your seat.
So, you know, I was just kidding when I called you a liar over there.
Don't worry about it.
- I'm a bad girl.
- I could - I could tell that.
- What's your name? - Oh, I'm Sam.
- Sam.
Nice to meet you.
So how much did that mclaren set you back? - About half a mil.
- Nice.
Prostitute! Piper Denies knowing anything about her father Well, she is If she is Cooper's daughter I can see why she'd hide it, because she wanted to be taken seriously, right? Didn't bother Delinda.
Well, her dad's not a billionaire.
Why isn't Piper running the place? Why work as a concierge? Uh well, maybe she wants to learn from the ground up.
I'm sure that's what Cooper did every time he started a new business, right? - Hey, guys.
- Hey.
Parenting class in ten minutes.
- See you guys.
- Yep.
What's going on, Mike? Nothing.
So then why did you and Danny stop talking the second I walked up? - Did we? I didn't I didn't - And it's not just that.
It's like this whole entire casino is acting weird whenever I'm around.
I got free coffee! Who gets free coffee? I got all the days off I want, And now suddenly, you're interested in my father.
Come on, Mike.
If there's something going on, I want you to tell me.
Don't worry.
I'll keep it to myself.
Nobody knows your secret but me and Danny.
What secret? That A.
J.
Cooper Isn't just your boss.
He's your father.
What are you talking about, Mike? Cooper is not my father.
Piper, you don't have to hide it.
I know he's been there for you every step of the way.
In Miami, when you were born, watching over you in college in Wisconsin, and getting you this job here at the Montecito.
How do you know all this? I had a hunch, so I checked it out.
Piper, you knew that, right? The concept is good.
How many square feet we talking about? - We need to talk.
- Piper, I'm in the middle of a meeting.
Yeah.
I don't care about your stupid meeting.
All right.
Let's step out in the hall.
Why, so we can have a secret conversation? You're all about secrets, aren't you? You just say it? Or Or are you too ashamed? Or are you too embarrassed to let anyone know that you're my father? I'm not.
You're not ashamed or you're not my father? We need to talk.
You had 25 years to talk to me, and you didn't.
Your time's up.
Piper.
- Stay away from me.
- I'm not your father.
Michael told me everything.
How you watched me grow up.
- How you followed me from place to place.
- Mike doesn't know anything.
Why didn't you step up? It's more complicated than that.
Complicated.
Wow.
Well, that's the understatement of the century.
You chose not to be a dad a long time ago.
I hope you've all enjoyed our time together at the comedy traffic school.
I know I have.
Don't forget to pick up your signed diploma, suitable for framing, to prove your completion of the course.
Oh, thank god that's over.
Yes.
Start to smell in there like butt crack in steam room.
- Can I give you a ride back? - Oh, Polly like fast car with big engine.
That's a two-Seater, Polly.
You can ride with Mitch.
Yeah.
Mitch, Polly, it's been a pleasure.
Maybe I can buy you a drink when we get back there.
Yeah.
- How come no one buy Polly drink? - I'll buy ya a drink.
Oh, no, wheelchair sex always bruise me, you know? - Oh, yeah? - I take ride, though.
- Okay.
- Come on.
I'm not paying you to spy on me.
I saw something unusual going on, so I investigated.
- I didn't mean to hurt - Your intentions don't really matter.
Your actions have had consequences, Mike.
I-Is there anything I can do? I think you've done enough.
But those cpr dolls are so life like.
It's kinda creepy.
I know.
Let's just hope we never have to do cpr in real life.
Oh, Danny, did my guy give you those college saving forms? Oh, yeah.
I already started filling them out.
Thank you again.
- Oh, my god! - What? Oh! My water just broke.
- Oh, it's the baby! - No.
- Oh, I think she's coming.
- No, no, no.
She can't come yet.
No, we have another 12 days before she comes.
I don't think she cares! Uh, my wife's having a baby! She's having a baby right now! Where's the check list? - I think I got the check list - Screw the damn check list! Walking will only make the baby come faster.
You have to sit down.
Where's my phone? Do I have my phone? - I think I have my phone.
- I have a phone right here.
Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god! Just don't push! Danny, I don't think there's time to call the ambulance.
- The baby's crowning.
- What? - The baby's crowning.
- The baby's cr Uh, we need an ambulance The baby is so beautiful, Danny.
They always come out more perfect after a c-section.
Not so scrunchy.
It's a shame you and Chad had to miss it.
Yeah, well, somebody had to be there with him in the E.
R.
While he got his stitches.
They're gonna have to come up with a new name Or else he's gonna be the only boy at a $10,000 preschool named Elise.
With a pink nursery.
Can you believe this guy? Who would have guessed this guy was gonna freak out and faint? You didn't.
You thought they were perfect.
You were the one who said that they were way more prepared than we were.
So I don't wanna hear that.
Okay, all right.
Well, list or no list We're gonna be great parents, aren't we? Yes.
I think so.
I think so too.
How's the heartburn? Not so bad tonight.
Just my feet.
They're sore.
- Really? - Yeah.
Well, lucky for you, I happen to be an amazing foot massagist.
- No, no, no, no.
- No, you're gonna love this.
Trust me.
I read about this.
Too much? That's perfect.
Just perfect.
You're probably wondering how I got in here.
Well, you're A.
J.
Cooper, so You either lied to the landlord or you probably paid her to let you in.
I lied.
I told her I was your father.
You're a very confusing man.
You know that? So I've been told.
What do you want? I don't know.
For you to understand.
Well If you're not my father, then where is he? He was killed.
He was a solider? He was a marine.
Before he died, I made a promise to him I'd look after you.
So everything I've ever done, you've had a hand in? No.
No.
I just stayed close.
Then why did you hide it from me? You could have answered so many questions.
You could have filled in so many gaps! I know.
I should have told you a long time ago.
Then why didn't you? I don't know.
Piper, you need to know everything you've done, everything you've accomplished, you did it on your own.
I didn't interfere.
Till a few days ago.
You look like him.
He's my best friend.
What was he like? You're like him in a lot of ways.
Hot-headed, smart.
Quick to react.
Quick to smile.
I didn't know him in boot camp till we got stuck with guard duty.
It was cold.
We didn't know what we were guarding
J.
Cooper, and I just bought the place.
Some of you will stay, and some of you will go.
We're all toast.
I feel it.
- Hey, Mike.
- Hey, Mr.
Cooper.
Ah, "Cooper.
" Such a kiss-ass.
How long you worked here, Polly? Long enough to see lot of hot, young girl turn into stinky old skank.
Thank you for sharing.
Why are you telling everybody I'm pregnant? It's great news, Delinda.
People are happy for us.
I don't know anybody who's actually had a baby on purpose.
- This whole thing isn't real to you yet, is it? - The baby isn't born until like next year.
It just feels like he's not taking this baby seriously, Mike.
Piper Nielsen.
I wanted to introduce myself.
Concierge Cooper poached from the maloofs.
Oh, strong handshake.
Nice eye contact.
Long, thick lashes.
I don't date older guys.
That's good to know.
Cpr, lamaze, licking techniques i am gonna know more About parenting than just about anybody, including you.
I think it's latching, not licking.
To each his own.
Hey, hey! Guys, guys, guys! Hey, hey, careful! Hey! Thing's a thousand years old, yes, from the qin dynasty, if that means anything to you.
Wow, look at that.
Cooper's really going out of his way to impress these investors from Macau, isn't he? That's smart, linking his interests in the Montecito and the shining dragon resort and casino? Macau is the future.
Look at this.
So did you know that in the first six months of a baby's life, they can distinguish more sounds than they can when they're fully grown? - I did not know that.
- Yeah, so they can adapt to any human language.
That's fascinating why the sudden interest in parenting? D said that I wasn't taking the baby seriously.
And I ran out of magazines the other day when I was sitting on the pot.
I hate when that happens.
She left a parenting book sitting there, so I started reading it, and I gotta tell you The miracle of life, dude, is amazing! - I mean, truly amazing.
- I tried to tell you.
Yeah, I know, but back then it just didn't feel real.
But now it's like there's a baby moving around in there.
I felt it kicking the other day.
Mikey, I cannot wait to meet this kid.
I can't wait to get this thing out of me, Sam.
I pee every ten minutes, my back is killing me, and I have heartburn that never goes away.
Who doesn't make u-Turns? That's american! That's american like porn and apple pie.
Are you even listening to me? Yeah, we all know your nipples hurt and you're nauseous.
Why don't you pay attention to me for once? You made an illegal u-Turn in a crosswalk with kids in it.
Yeah, with kids.
I had to tell those little kids to get out of the way.
Just pay it and stop complaining, okay? That's not gonna happen.
I gotta fight it.
- Where are you going? - I gotta go find my star witness.
Carter, I need something! Hey, Mandy.
You're still here.
Yeah, my dad's still organizing the luggage in the trunk, So I ran in to get those earrings that you showed me in the jewelry store.
- Ooh, hot! - Listen, I better get back to work.
But hopefully, I'll be able to see you and your parents next year.
Can I get a picture of us? I want to show everyone back home the person who made my first trip to sin city so much fun.
Okay, fine.
Where do you want me? Over here? Excuse me.
Could you take our picture? Oh, sure.
Oh, wait, you know what would be so cool? If we could take the picture of me playing.
No, no, no, no.
I know I'm not 21, but it's just one picture.
Please, please, please, please, please? - Okay, fine.
- Thank you! Wow, nice photo, really.
I mean, good use of positive and negative space.
If it weren't depicting an illegal act, we could frame it, Mr.
Mccoy.
Come on, the machine didn't even pay out.
Win or lose, the girl's a minor, and Piper knowingly allowed her to gamble in your casino.
- Okay, what are we looking at? - You've got two options.
- Either pay the fine - Which is how much? A million bucks? Are you kidding me? There's always option number two.
What's up? Mandy Freemont.
Nice girl.
- So you did know her pretty well? - Too well.
Her and her parents hounded me all weekend.
So you also knew that she wasn't 21? Yeah, I know she's not allowed to play slot machines, but But you let her play anyway? Danny, she was driving me crazy.
I was just trying to get rid of her.
Well, you should know that the woman who took the photo was an undercover gaming enforcement officer.
- I screwed up, didn't I? - Piper, you've been a good employee, - and everybody likes you.
- No, Danny, Danny, it was a dumb mistake.
I promise I will never let anything like that happen again.
Please! I'm sorry.
I gotta let you go.
Danny.
If you need a reference, you can call me.
I no want go with you, Sam.
Rather wide butt with angry porcupine.
Well, you have to, because you were in the car.
You're my only eyewitness.
Yeah, I know.
You saw kids and sped up.
Lucky they run fast.
Policeman should arrest you, not give you ticket.
Okay, here's your story no kids, no crosswalk.
Remember that.
You want Polly to lie under oats? Yes, of course! I mean, you may not have to.
The copy may not show up, and without his testimony, - they'll probably drop the whole thing.
- No, court scare me.
You ever see judge Judy? - All right, how much? - You say how much.
- 500.
- No way.
I make that in one hour.
- Give happy time to special client.
- A thousand.
Come on.
Okay, but I have two hour, then big cuticle disaster.
Take me all day like foreskin on cape Buffalo.
- You'll be back.
I promise.
- Okay.
So I heard you fired Piper.
I had no choice, man how did you know that? Piper told me.
She understood but was really upset.
I feel terrible about it, but what was I supposed to do? And please do not say anything to Delinda.
- She's gonna hate me.
- Yeah, of course.
She and Piper have become pretty close over the last couple of months.
- Hate coming right at ya! - Danny mccoy.
What do you have to say for yourself? How can you put your head on your pillow and sleep at night? I can answer that for you you won't.
I had no I had no choice, okay? It was the gaming commission.
They came down on me.
It was either fire her or pay a million dollar fine.
- What do you want me to do? - What's a million dollars to the Montecito? That would be fiscally irresponsible.
She's only been with us for a few months.
What's wrong? You okay? Sorry.
Acid reflux.
You still having the heartburn? I just wanna go home and lie down.
Yeah, but, uh, we can't bail on parenting class.
Why not? 'Cause I'm totally psyched for parenting class! - Really? - Yeah! Hold on one second.
Hey, Cooper, what's going on? I'll be right there.
Duty calls, babe, but, uh, so We're on? I guess I can be miserable there instead of home.
That's my that's my girl.
There's something you need to tell me? She allowed a minor to gamble in the casino.
I see.
Gaming commission caught her red-Handed.
- Did you have any other options? - A fine.
- How much? - Million.
I'd say they were trying to send us a message.
Look, I know how much everybody liked Piper around here.
But given the circumstances, i didn't have much choice.
- You did the right thing, Danny.
- I know.
I know.
Now, hire her back.
'Scuse me? Hire Piper back.
- What about the gaming commission? - I'll take care of it.
Furthermore, I'm ordering you to pay a fine in the amount of $275, plus three days community service.
We be here all day.
You told me ten minute.
I going to punch you in the ovary.
Next up, violation number k458q75.
Samantha jane Marquez.
Yes, your honor, I'm here.
Right.
And so is officer hayes, I see.
- Oh, crap.
- I thought you said cop not show up.
I was wrong! Cop here, you screwed.
- How do you plead, Ms.
Marquez? - Uh, not guilty, so And do you have any evidence or any witnesses? Uh, just one.
You were sick.
That's why I made a u-Turn to get to the hospital.
I thought you say not do anything.
Please.
State your name for the record.
- Polly Chae.
I very sick woman.
- Please proceed, Ms.
Marquez.
Uh, Ms.
Chae, on the day in question, were you in my car traveling east on stewart avenue? - Yes.
- Yes.
Sometime I get bloated, you know.
Stomach swell up like thanksgiving parade float.
Hurt like hell.
Yes.
You were sick that day, weren't you, Miss Chae? Oh, yeah, very bad gas, diarrhea I have burrito.
You don't want to smell that one.
And, you know, I need medical attention, and she save me.
She even tried to warn kids first before turning, you know.
She say, "move little asses out of way or get run over.
" I am convicting you of the offense, Ms.
Marquez, and in addition to the mandated fine, I'm sentencing you to traffic school - starting first thing tomorrow morning.
- Perfect.
- Oh, that suck for you, Sam.
- And for you, too Ms.
Chae.
You're going with her for lying in my courtroom.
Oh, no, no, please I give you free wax moustache.
You need.
Excuse me, do you mind if I put my ball down here? - No.
Have a seat.
- I'm Delinda.
This is Danny.
- Hi.
- How are you guys? I'm Annie.
This is my husband Chad.
And this is Elise.
- Oh, you're having a baby girl.
- Yeah.
Just found out last week.
We're kinda hoping to be surprised on the big day.
Hello, moms, dads, and special others.
Welcome to your first parenting class.
I like to start by answering a few questions.
Okay? My sister went through She said it was like pushing a freight train through a pinhole.
Wait, wait, I heard that the average length of labor is actually about 12 to 14 hours.
Most labors are relatively short.
- I want drugs.
Lots of them.
- But for the long ones, epidurals are quite effective in relieving pain and discomfort.
What about breast feeding? Is it true your nipples crack and bleed? Well, that does happen to some women.
But that's just until your breasts get conditioned.
Yeah, the nipples can also heal faster if you, you know, vary the feeding position.
You lay the baby on your lap or, you know, on your side, or you lay the baby next to you on the bed.
Did you hear that? Thank you, Danny.
- That's impressive.
- Thanks, man.
Whare you, and what have you done with my boyfriend? You talked about nipples out loud in a crowded room? Nipples are a natural part of the female anatomy, brother.
- I get that.
- A nipple is a conduit of nourishment between the mother and the child.
And kegeling.
Ever heard of kegeling? Braxton hicks contractions.
- We did a little prenatal yoga.
- Wow.
You're scaring me, bro.
Just sit up straight for a second.
I wanna show you something.
Isn't that Piper? Oh, yeah.
Cooper had me hire her back.
Said he would handle the gaming commission.
- Vegas connections already.
- Yeah.
He's full of surprises, isn't he? - Danny, Mike.
- Hey, beautiful.
How are you this evening? Are we are we in trouble again? Nope.
Just came by to collect the check.
What check? From A.
J.
Cooper.
If you ask me, a million dollars is a lot to pay for a concierge.
But then again I'm not a billionaire.
That's not any sense, why would Cooper pay the fine? I don't know.
Maybe he thinks Piper's a great concierge.
No savy businessman's gonna pay a million bucks for a concierge.
He would for a piece of ass.
What? I know this is difficult for you guys, but let me say it slowly Cooper is banging Piper.
- What? - No.
No way.
She's right.
We totally missed it! Yeah, we did.
She's so much unger than him.
She told me she didn't date older guys.
- She told you that 'cause you're poor.
- Guys, guys, he's coming.
Act normal.
How are we supposed to do that? I already have this stupid smile now.
- Hey! - Oh, hey, what's going on? How's the chinese menu coming along, Delinda? It's great.
We've got everything from mu shoo pork to egg so young.
- Foo yung.
- Foo yung.
Okay.
Sounds good.
Well, I got a meeting I gotta get to, so I'll see you guys.
- I got that thing.
- I have traffic school.
So - Are you okay? - Heatbrun, ac reflux.
Oh! That's a common problem as the baby gets bigger.
You need to avoid carbonated beverages, and sleep propped up a little bit.
- I'll try that.
- Yeah.
And if you need any help, please feel free to ask Piper.
She's back at work, you know.
I'm really glad.
We all really like Piper.
Don't we? Yes.
Take time to think.
There is never any need for mechanized death.
With more than 50,000 motorists killed annually on our highways, the traffic death rate has solidly entrenched itsf as the nation's third greatest killer, Second only to heart ailments and cancer.
Death is now a common sight on our highways.
It's senseless.
It's mechanized death.
I hope you enjoyed the inspirational movie mechanized death.
That very upsetting movie.
All the crash, bang, boom Remind me of first date with boyfriend.
What the hell are you doing here? What, a guy in a wheelchair can't speed? Come on.
I didn't know it went that fast.
I was in my bentley, Sam.
- You have a Bentley? - You are late.
Yes.
Yes, I am.
I'm sorry.
It says Frankie's comedy traffic school.
- You're not funny.
- No, I'm not.
I'm also not Frank.
My name is Ted.
Frank got a gig at a comedy club in reno this week.
I normally teach welding and video game design.
- Uh, hey, Frank, listen - Ted.
Uh, Ted, I am a very busy woman, so I really don't have time to be here.
If you could just write me down as having completed the course That would be fantastic.
Frank is my boyfriend.
So let's settle in for the long haul, shall we? Tramp.
Nine! Cooper.
I wanted to thank you for bringing me back.
You know, uh I heard you had to pay a fine, and I hope it wasn't too much.
It was a lot, and if you do anything that stupid again, I won't help you.
- You like being here? - Yeah.
I really do.
You know, it's in my best interest to keep you around.
Did you know that in Macau the casinos have very few crap tables? - I wonder why.
It's very popular here.
- Gamblers don't seem to like them.
Maybe you just never know what someone's gonna like, you know? No, I guess you don't.
Bring up any footage we have of Piper and Cooper together.
Everything, since we poached her from the Palms.
Wait, wait, wait.
Right there.
It's really nice of you guys to have us over.
We're all kinda in the same boat here.
Maybe when the kids are born, we can have, like, a play date.
A play date.
Yeah, sure.
That'd be that'd be great, man.
When are you guys due? Three weeks.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Soon.
- Yes.
- You nervous? - No.
No, no, no, no, no.
Take one of these.
It'll help with the reflux, and it's totally organic.
They have no clue how easy they have it, do they? Oh, how could they? They did the fun part.
Now everything else falls on us.
They think the occasional back rub is gonna make it all equal.
Chad loves to give me foot rubs.
Yeah, no, he's not very good at it.
Just finished painting the nursery last week.
- Really? - Yeah.
Yeah.
Annie wanted to get all the fumes out before, you know, the little princess arrived, so That's what we did.
Or that's what I did.
Yeah, I don't I don't think we talked about the nursery yet.
- Really? - Preschool already? - The baby's not even born yet.
- Yeah, but you gotta get on that, Delinda.
As soon as you know your due date, you get your baby enrolled in school.
Those waiting lists can be unbelievable.
My banker's amazing.
He'll help you out with that 529 fund right away.
The 529 is the - Tax deferred college fund, yeah.
- That's right, the college fund.
Oh, my gosh, you know what? Here, take this.
I've got plenty of copies.
That is my baby checklist.
I've got it broken down into categories Health, and then education, and finance.
And all of the relevant contact information is there.
It will really help you be prepared for baby.
You gotta start saving right away.
Hell, man, preschool's like 10 grand a year.
- For finger-painting.
- I know.
Imagine what college is gonna cost.
It's total bull hey, ladies! Hi.
We were just starting to worry about you guys.
Oh, well, Delinda was just showing me around their beautiful condo.
Why don't you guys come have a seat? Are you guys planning on getting a house? Yeah.
I mean, right now we're this'll be fine, and then maybe we'll decide after that.
Oh.
Well, are there any other babies that live in this building? - No.
- No.
No.
Just couples like us.
Great.
Wow.
Look at that balcony! Od, can you imagine? No.
Did you know that a rumor, by definition, is information that circulates without any substantiating evidence? Well My decision to bring Piper back was strictly professional.
Uh, you know, you don't owe me an explanation.
This is your place.
- You do whatever you want to do.
- Yeah, but still Then again, I am a very good listener.
Look, Danny, I know it's important that our employees know they're gonna be held accountable when they screw up.
But it's also important to offer a second chance to somebody as promising as Piper when she stumbles.
Somebody gave me a second chance once.
I would bet the same is true with you.
Uh, that's a nice sentiment, but you do realize this is probably gonna take us years to recoup this money.
The money came out of my personal account.
Hey, if I were you, i would keep that between us.
That little piece of information is, uh, not exactly gonna slow the rumor mill, if you know what I mean.
Can anyone tell me how you determine the proper distance between two cars? - It depends how fast you're going.
- Oh.
That is not correct.
- Oh, you apply three-second rule.
- That's right, Polly.
When the vehicle in front of you reaches a certain point, count to three, as in One-one thousand, two-one thousand, three-one thousand.
If you have passed said point before you finish counting, you are following too close.
He funny.
You having fun, Polly? You just jealous because Polly teacher pet.
You know, ruin bell curve for mediocre american c-student like you.
I have to get outta here.
It's now timen for our 15-minute, bathroom/snack/smoking break.
Please remember to sign back in before you return to the room.
And do not talk to me during our time down.
Listen, I need you to do me a little favor.
Oh, no.
Last time I do you favor, I end up here.
Yeah, 'cause I can't listen to Tom talk.
I can't be here with Ted all week.
I have to get back to the Montecito to take care of my whales.
When we get back from the break, I want you to sign my name in, and Ted will never know I was gone.
No, no, no.
Polly also have a busy job at casino.
You make me miss four mani-Pedi, in grown toenail, very nasty, complicated - I'm sorry about that, but - And I promise a heart-shape bush wax, anniversary present And two backdoor bleaches, my secret specialty.
I just need you to sign my name in after the break, okay? - No! - All right.
I love you.
No, no, no Hey, where you going? I've gone through every bit of surveillance footage of Piper and Cooper since they arrived here at the Montecito.
I can't find a single shot of them having lunch together, holding hands, taking afternoon siestas in a suite Don't you have better things to do than spy on the boss, man? - No, not really.
- Why are you so invested in this? I'm not, I'm just curious.
Curious by nature.
I mean, a woman tells you directly that she doesn't like older guys.
Then she turns around and has an affair with one? One much older than me.
Makes a guy curious.
- I see, I see.
- I just figured it out.
You're jealous! - That's what this is.
- No way.
- Absolutely not jealous.
- No, no, this makes perfect sense, Mike.
She's very attractive.
She's got body.
She's fun, she's energetic, and she turned you down.
- That's where you're wrong.
- She did not turn me down.
- Who didn't turn who down? - Piper sort of blew him off.
Ah, Mike, I'm so sorry.
Are your feelings hurt? - I don't like Piper.
I don't like Piper.
- You want what you can't have.
Well, good, good, 'cause if she's not doing the nasty with Cooper, I know she's hoping to bump uglies with Justin.
Wait Please don't say things like that, not with my baby.
- And who is Justin? - The cabana boy.
The one who likes to show off his little six-Pack? More like a 12-Pack.
He and his girlfriend just broke up, and he's back on the market.
Wait a second.
- What? - What about a test? A little rendezvous between Piper and Justin? If she goes for it, then we know she's not seeing Cooper.
But if she blows Justin off, then she's definitely taking moustache rides.
- Hey! - No, D.
Seriously, the baby can hear you.
Yeah.
That's an image I could have lived without, D.
Thanks.
- Oh, hey, Sam.
- Ah, no, no, I don't have time, lolita.
I'm all business all day.
Yeah, well, someone's waiting for you, and I think he's all business too.
Oh, is it one of my clients? Not unless the city's paying them more than they used to.
There she is, fugitive of law Slippery Sam! You sold me out? Friend no let friend go to traffic school by self.
Ms.
Marquez, Ms.
Chae, come with me.
Now.
- You bitch! - What you call me? Let's go! Let's go! Let's go.
Turn it off.
- You no call me that! - You little bitch! Hey, Piper.
- What's up? - Hi.
Justin.
You remember my name.
That's a good sign.
Yeah, well, uh, it's on your name Tag.
Usually.
Except you don't have one, because you're not wearing a shirt.
Naw, got a little sweaty, so I had to take it off to dry.
You should really be wearing a shirt, Justin, when you're inside.
It's kind of unprofessional.
- You want me to put my shirt on? - Yeah, it's not the pool.
I guess I'll just go to the pool.
Great idea.
She's a lesbian.
She's so totally doing Cooper.
It's not saying you can never park.
You just can't park here.
- Excuse me.
- Polly.
When sign say no u-turn, couldn't it also mean "No.
You, turn!" - Go ahead, what you waiting for? - There is no comma in that signage.
Okay, but still, very confusing.
Okay, everybody, I want you to pick out your favorite sign.
- Hello, Mr.
Schwager? - Hi! I'm so glad you called.
Yes, we are so looking forward to your stay at the Montecito.
Sir, I have your special I have a special I'm gonna have to call you back, Mr.
Schwa You'll get it back after class.
Check this out.
- It's a map.
- It's a map.
- What are the red dots for? - They represent Cooper and Piper.
The intersecting lines represent significant dates in their lives.
- And you made this? - Yeah.
- It's a little creepy.
- What? Just stick with me.
The first intersecting line Piper's born in Miami.
Cooper buys a string of condos in nearby Orlando.
The next intersecting line Piper goes to college in Madison.
Cooper buys Wisconsin's biggest paper mill.
- Aw, come on.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait.
She goes to work, front desk at a hotel in San Francisco.
He buys a high-tech company in San Jose.
The last intersecting line She goes to work at the Palms.
Three months later, he buys the Montecito, steals her away from the maloofs.
This could just be a coincidence.
Or no coincidence at all.
Luke I am your father.
- What are you Darth Vader? - Yeah.
What? It's a great Darth Vader.
What does that have to do with any of this? Cooper, Piper, Piper, Cooper.
Don't you The dimples? - Darth Vader never had dimples.
- No.
Cooper.
Piper.
They have dimples.
They're the same.
Cooper is Piper's father.
No.
Yes.
It's right here! Piper, my friends and I would love to have dinner tonight at 9:00 at the Palms, but the corner booth is reserved.
- Could you unreserve it? - I'll call the head waiter.
I'm sure he can move some things around to accommodate.
Thanks.
Ruby Slippers? Then, apparently, they would like to go to one of the strip bars where someone named - Ruby Slippers.
- Ruby Slippers performs.
Spearmint Rhino.
I'll make sure that she's working tonight.
- Three passes only.
- Understood.
Pretty smooth, Piper.
Cooper was definitely impressed.
I do owe him big time, Mike.
He did hire me back here.
He's tough, but he's, uh Really kind of fatherly, you know? Yeah.
I guess he sort of is.
Yeah.
My old man was never like that.
And look how good you turned out, huh? Sure did.
What about your dad? I don't really like to talk about him, so Was he a nice guy, huh? I'm sorry, I know it's none of my business.
Ah, it's okay.
I just, um I just never knew him, you know? He took off on my mother just after I was born.
So - You ever thought about tracking him down? - Never saw the point.
You gotta wonder about him.
Miss him, maybe? Mike, you can't miss what you never knew.
Hey.
What are you working on? Chad's broker sent over some college saving account forms.
Number nine on the check list.
Great.
Do you realize that by the time this kid's 18 years old, we'll have spent almost a half a million dollars? And that's if he or she goes to public school? And what if we don't move? It turns out that our school district sucks, so we're gonna have to send him to private school.
In which case, we may as well just, you know, fork over the money for a house in a good neighborhood.
Exactly.
Annie and Chad's Realtor.
I made an appointment next thursday to see that house.
Ah, okay.
I got a bunch of stuff next week.
I'll have to check my schedule.
Danny, it's number three on the checklist.
I mean, we have to find the right house in a good district.
- You just said so yourself.
- Oh, yeah.
You're right.
It's just all, uh, a little overwhelming.
- But it's a good thing we met Chad and Annie.
- Yeah.
- We'd be so unprepared for this baby.
- Yeah, they're great.
Yeah, they're great.
Hey, Carter.
This is my request for saturday off.
I know you haven't assigned them yet, but I was just hoping that I can get the weekend? I see You see, bad religion is in town.
I've got killer tickets, so No need to explain.
You take whatever day you want.
Really? Nobody wanted saturday off? Oh, they did.
But I'm giving it to you.
Okay.
Thanks, Carter.
I really appreciate that.
No problem.
What goes around comes around, right? What? Just don't forget us little people on the way up.
On the way up.
Okay, Carter, what are you talking about? Carter.
Carter! I was already slowing down when I got the ticket, but the cop didn't seem to care.
Gave me the maximum fine.
Oh.
How fast do you go? Uh 195.
He's lying.
No street legal car goes that fast.
Um, McLaren slr does.
Uh, hello! Could we stop lollygagging? - Switch seats with me.
- I can see instructor with no obstruction.
This is your seat.
That's your seat.
So, you know, I was just kidding when I called you a liar over there.
Don't worry about it.
- I'm a bad girl.
- I could - I could tell that.
- What's your name? - Oh, I'm Sam.
- Sam.
Nice to meet you.
So how much did that mclaren set you back? - About half a mil.
- Nice.
Prostitute! Piper Denies knowing anything about her father Well, she is If she is Cooper's daughter I can see why she'd hide it, because she wanted to be taken seriously, right? Didn't bother Delinda.
Well, her dad's not a billionaire.
Why isn't Piper running the place? Why work as a concierge? Uh well, maybe she wants to learn from the ground up.
I'm sure that's what Cooper did every time he started a new business, right? - Hey, guys.
- Hey.
Parenting class in ten minutes.
- See you guys.
- Yep.
What's going on, Mike? Nothing.
So then why did you and Danny stop talking the second I walked up? - Did we? I didn't I didn't - And it's not just that.
It's like this whole entire casino is acting weird whenever I'm around.
I got free coffee! Who gets free coffee? I got all the days off I want, And now suddenly, you're interested in my father.
Come on, Mike.
If there's something going on, I want you to tell me.
Don't worry.
I'll keep it to myself.
Nobody knows your secret but me and Danny.
What secret? That A.
J.
Cooper Isn't just your boss.
He's your father.
What are you talking about, Mike? Cooper is not my father.
Piper, you don't have to hide it.
I know he's been there for you every step of the way.
In Miami, when you were born, watching over you in college in Wisconsin, and getting you this job here at the Montecito.
How do you know all this? I had a hunch, so I checked it out.
Piper, you knew that, right? The concept is good.
How many square feet we talking about? - We need to talk.
- Piper, I'm in the middle of a meeting.
Yeah.
I don't care about your stupid meeting.
All right.
Let's step out in the hall.
Why, so we can have a secret conversation? You're all about secrets, aren't you? You just say it? Or Or are you too ashamed? Or are you too embarrassed to let anyone know that you're my father? I'm not.
You're not ashamed or you're not my father? We need to talk.
You had 25 years to talk to me, and you didn't.
Your time's up.
Piper.
- Stay away from me.
- I'm not your father.
Michael told me everything.
How you watched me grow up.
- How you followed me from place to place.
- Mike doesn't know anything.
Why didn't you step up? It's more complicated than that.
Complicated.
Wow.
Well, that's the understatement of the century.
You chose not to be a dad a long time ago.
I hope you've all enjoyed our time together at the comedy traffic school.
I know I have.
Don't forget to pick up your signed diploma, suitable for framing, to prove your completion of the course.
Oh, thank god that's over.
Yes.
Start to smell in there like butt crack in steam room.
- Can I give you a ride back? - Oh, Polly like fast car with big engine.
That's a two-Seater, Polly.
You can ride with Mitch.
Yeah.
Mitch, Polly, it's been a pleasure.
Maybe I can buy you a drink when we get back there.
Yeah.
- How come no one buy Polly drink? - I'll buy ya a drink.
Oh, no, wheelchair sex always bruise me, you know? - Oh, yeah? - I take ride, though.
- Okay.
- Come on.
I'm not paying you to spy on me.
I saw something unusual going on, so I investigated.
- I didn't mean to hurt - Your intentions don't really matter.
Your actions have had consequences, Mike.
I-Is there anything I can do? I think you've done enough.
But those cpr dolls are so life like.
It's kinda creepy.
I know.
Let's just hope we never have to do cpr in real life.
Oh, Danny, did my guy give you those college saving forms? Oh, yeah.
I already started filling them out.
Thank you again.
- Oh, my god! - What? Oh! My water just broke.
- Oh, it's the baby! - No.
- Oh, I think she's coming.
- No, no, no.
She can't come yet.
No, we have another 12 days before she comes.
I don't think she cares! Uh, my wife's having a baby! She's having a baby right now! Where's the check list? - I think I got the check list - Screw the damn check list! Walking will only make the baby come faster.
You have to sit down.
Where's my phone? Do I have my phone? - I think I have my phone.
- I have a phone right here.
Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god! Just don't push! Danny, I don't think there's time to call the ambulance.
- The baby's crowning.
- What? - The baby's crowning.
- The baby's cr Uh, we need an ambulance The baby is so beautiful, Danny.
They always come out more perfect after a c-section.
Not so scrunchy.
It's a shame you and Chad had to miss it.
Yeah, well, somebody had to be there with him in the E.
R.
While he got his stitches.
They're gonna have to come up with a new name Or else he's gonna be the only boy at a $10,000 preschool named Elise.
With a pink nursery.
Can you believe this guy? Who would have guessed this guy was gonna freak out and faint? You didn't.
You thought they were perfect.
You were the one who said that they were way more prepared than we were.
So I don't wanna hear that.
Okay, all right.
Well, list or no list We're gonna be great parents, aren't we? Yes.
I think so.
I think so too.
How's the heartburn? Not so bad tonight.
Just my feet.
They're sore.
- Really? - Yeah.
Well, lucky for you, I happen to be an amazing foot massagist.
- No, no, no, no.
- No, you're gonna love this.
Trust me.
I read about this.
Too much? That's perfect.
Just perfect.
You're probably wondering how I got in here.
Well, you're A.
J.
Cooper, so You either lied to the landlord or you probably paid her to let you in.
I lied.
I told her I was your father.
You're a very confusing man.
You know that? So I've been told.
What do you want? I don't know.
For you to understand.
Well If you're not my father, then where is he? He was killed.
He was a solider? He was a marine.
Before he died, I made a promise to him I'd look after you.
So everything I've ever done, you've had a hand in? No.
No.
I just stayed close.
Then why did you hide it from me? You could have answered so many questions.
You could have filled in so many gaps! I know.
I should have told you a long time ago.
Then why didn't you? I don't know.
Piper, you need to know everything you've done, everything you've accomplished, you did it on your own.
I didn't interfere.
Till a few days ago.
You look like him.
He's my best friend.
What was he like? You're like him in a lot of ways.
Hot-headed, smart.
Quick to react.
Quick to smile.
I didn't know him in boot camp till we got stuck with guard duty.
It was cold.
We didn't know what we were guarding