Legit (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Hat Hair

I love baseball.
Me, too sunshine, hot dogs, and cheap beer.
It's raining, dumb-ass! It never rains on baseball.
Baseball sucks.
It's the most boring sport in the world, and, Jim, I'm really pissed that you dressed me up like a bat boy.
Oh, come on, Billy.
The quakes are four games out.
Must-win situation.
Rodney's a statistical genius.
Besides this, I'm throwing out the first pitch.
You all must be excited about that.
I am.
Me, too.
It is so unfair that I have no control over what I wear or where I go.
[Cat meows] Freckles! Freckles! Fred, where is freckles?! How the hell would I know?! Well, for God's sakes, help! Get out here and find her! I'm watching the game.
Four games out.
Damn it, it's a must-win! Billy, last weekend was Billy Sunday, and what did we do? I got my colon cleansed.
And didn't we have fun? And this week is Jim Sunday, and as much as I enjoy getting my colon cleansed, I really would, I'm throwing out the first pitch of the quakes game! Yeah.
She's an indoor cat, and she is outdoors! She pees on my chair.
Get your ass out here and help me find freckles! I'm coming! Now, shut up, will you? Hey, when is it gonna be Steve Sunday? Never.
Steve Sunday is the week after next.
- So, that means next Sunday is - Rodney Sunday! Rodney Sunday! And what have we got tickets to see? Barry manilow.
Manilow sucks.
Manilow doesn't suck.
Manilow writes the songs.
That is true.
Manilow does write the songs.
He makes the whole world sing.
Look at this old lady up here.
Look how excited she is enthusiasm, team spirit.
I like it.
Watch it! There's a cat loose here.
Hey, look at him.
He's got his quakes hat on.
He's shaking his Walker.
It's great.
No kidding.
It is pretty cool.
Watch it! There's a cat [cat screeches] He's out! Hey, did anyone else hear that noise? You bastards! Fred, come on.
Oh, my God.
You shitheads! Ha! Look at that old lady, eh? She probably came out to L.
she'd get famous.
Got three lines in some Mickey Rooney movie, and she talks about it for the rest of her life.
I see you, you rotten bastard! I'm getting the cops after your license 9dh71p or something.
Come on, Fred! We have to call the police.
Come on.
Ha! I hate that cat.
I remember when I first met Lauren bacall.
She was 3 years old.
I was 40.
I was babysitting her at the time.
Even then I knew she'd be famous.
I knew it, I tell you! Eh, my career went down the tubes when Humphrey bogart paralyzed his upper lip giving me cunnilingus.
[Laughter] L.
's full of crazies.
It really is.
Take that, you little bastard.
[Thud] And that.
Pick her up! Eat shit.
All I ask is to watch the quakes.
Can I do that? No! Get her before somebody else hits her.
[Thud] And that.
Pick her up! Ha! Here you go, Rodney.
[Chuckles] Oh, no.
Jim, come on.
Take the finger off.
Why? Why? Really, Jim? We're number 1! We're in cucamonga, the sun's out.
This is great.
The sun's not out.
Hey, it never rains on baseball.
It never rains on baseball.
Paul guerrero, 2.
50 e.
And why the hell is Rodney here? 'Cause Rodney's our friend.
Plus he loves baseball statistics.
It's like sex to him.
How do you know it's like sex to him? Me and Rodney talk a lot.
If you're such a big cucamonga quakes fan, why don't you put on the hat? Never put the hat on until after the national anthem.
Not the hat thing again, please.
Yes, the hat thing again, Steve.
I get terrible hat hair.
It's horrible.
He's very particular about his hats.
I am very particular about putting the hat on, all right? You don't understand what it's like for people with hair.
I take Propecia every day just to look like this.
I may only have a few years left, Steve.
"It's my policy.
" It is my policy, and one that I stick to religiously.
You see, Billy, I don't take my hat off until after the national anthem out of respect for your people.
My people? Yeah, people in wheelchairs And Americans.
Oh, God, you're such a dick.
[Horns honking] [Groans] [Honking continues] Check this out.
Cuban guy.
All right, we're right behind home plate.
This is fantastic.
Hey, isn't that your agent, Jim? Jimmy-Jay! Mike.
Hey, you ready to throw out the first pitch? Yeah, I'm ready.
Yeah, I'm excited.
All right.
Thank you for doing this for me, by the way.
It's my job.
You know.
Hey, listen, try not to screw it up.
The Dodgers are watching.
Yeah, Jim, don't screw it up.
Statistically, most people screw up.
Well, I'm not.
I just got to throw a ball, right? Yeah, yeah.
Just don't screw it up.
I didn't even know you were gonna come here to help.
You're a big star.
And speaking of big stars, I'm also here to see Paul guerrero, the pitcher.
Have you met him? He's hilarious.
Really funny guy.
He pitches funny.
No, he's funny.
Hey, Mike, this the guy? Uh, yeah.
[Shouting] Would you like to meet the players, son? Get your hand off me, bitch! I'm only here so they can sit in the handicapped section.
Don't worry about my little cranky friend here.
He's all right.
He'll be fine.
I do have a friend called Rodney, though, and Rodney would love to meet the players, wouldn't you, mate? Yes, I would.
Can I get a ball signed, please? Okay, he is a bit simple, as well.
I take care of him.
Come along.
Come on.
Yeah! Jimmy-Jay, these are your friends? Yeah, these are my friends.
Good for you.
Oh, hey, Jimmy-Jay.
Throw it to the catcher.
Remember, the catcher.
Who else would I throw it to? I don't know where you would.
Just catcher.
Don't screw it up.
- Why would I - Jim jefferies, Paul.
You guys have been great.
I'm really nervous about this throwing out the pitch thing.
I'd like to thank you guys for being so nice to my friends.
No problem.
- That one - Mm-hmm.
He takes care of that one, if you know what I mean.
Here, sign this for me, sir.
You're dropping your elbow.
[Laughs] All right.
Well, I'll make sure to knock that off, okay? Can I meet an umpire? Absolutely.
We'll have one right over for you.
Hey, buddy.
[Shouting] What would you like on your baseball? [Muffled] "Thank you, Steve.
" There you go.
All right, buddy, have a good one.
Yay! Hi, I'm Steve.
Nice to meet you.
You, too.
Billy, I met verne Troyer! Strike.
[Camera shutter clicks] Strike three! You're out.
[Laughs] Come on.
[Shouting] Your friend is sweet.
No, he's not.
Nice day for a game! [Shouting] Yeah, if you like torture! I'm not deaf, bitch! Hey, you you, wheelchair.
You a paraplegic? Lightweight.
They bring you here for the seats? That's why they brought me here.
Together: Oh.
I know, right? It sucks.
Shitty, right? So, you think you can do this? Why do people keep asking me that? Of course I can do this.
All you got to do throw the ball across home plate without hitting anybody.
All right? Don't screw it up, big guy.
And now, throwing out the first pitch for the quakes, Australian comedian Jim jefferies.
[Light cheering] Boo! Bloody hell.
Boo! Yay.
[Thud] [Laughter] Shit.
Nice pitch! You're out of there! [Laughs] [Crowd booing] That's him.
That's the man who killed my freckles.
Can I watch the game now, damn it?! Oh, fine, watch your stupid game, you bastard, even though our pet just died! We got to call the police.
How'd it look, eh? Yeah, it's good.
I didn't do too bad.
It was okay.
I got to meet Scott wingo, Liam Landry good day.
Paul guerrero signed my ball.
Oh, goody! I'm so excited for you both.
They're the pride of cucamonga.
I'm really pissed that you brought me here today just for the seats.
That's disgusting! It's disgusting! Right? Yeah! Okay, we're not sitting here because he's disabled.
We're sitting here because I just threw out the first pitch.
Yeah, and you sucked! Didn't he suck, everybody? He sucked! Yeah, you did! Yeah! Hell yeah! Please rise.
The "star-spangled banner" will be sung tonight by verne Troyer! Verne Troyer's singing the national anthem? Are you kidding me? Check that off the bucket list.
See, this is what I don't get.
Look at you all like robots with your hats over your hearts.
[Chuckles] You're always talking about "we're number one.
" You're number 34 in education.
You know how shitty that is? Number 34.
[Echoing thuds] [Clears throat] [Off-key] oh, say can you see? You know who's higher than you? Turkey's higher than you.
Mexico a country you frown upon.
But they're doing better than you So what? In education.
You're 34 in education.
But don't worry about that, 'cause you're number one in confidence.
Yeah, we are.
Yeah, we are! Whoo! Yeah, we are.
Through the perilous fight You're breeding stupid, confident people.
Usa! Usa! We're number one! This is my point.
How do you think you'll ever compete with China? I mean, China's number one in education and the bottom of the list in confidence.
Their entire society rotates around honor, respect, dignity.
"Do your homework, learn your bloody violin.
" So, who do you want building your car, some nervous little Asian fellow with a drill going, "zzt" and then checking, or this guy zzt! "Perfect.
I'm awesome.
Time for lunch.
" That guy.
Yeah, that guy.
All right, that's enough.
Hey, where the hell are you from? I'm Australian.
Yeah? Well, why don't you go back there, you limey bastard? Yeah! the land of the free That's the British.
I'm Australian.
These are the two furthest points in the world.
Still sounds like English, prick.
I'm not English.
I'm Australian.
It's a completely different accent.
Don't think I'm here bragging about Australia.
We're just as bad as you are.
We're just as fat and lazy and can't get anything done as well.
Wow, Jim.
And then people always mistake me for South African or something like that.
It's like my accent, but picture me talking whilst I'm punching a black person.
He wants to beat up blacks, you guys.
I don't want to beat up black people.
I'm just saying that South africans have their problems.
Well, they all sound the same to me.
Yeah, they totally sound the same, right? Right? They do sound pretty much the same.
Let's play ball! [Crowd cheers] All right, verne.
And the hat goes on.
The hat is on.
- And once the hat is on - It does not come off.
See, I'm not a bad guy, you know? I love this country.
I take my hat off out of respect during your national anthem.
Well, you know, your friend's kind of a prick.
He beats me and makes me sit in my own waste.
Hey, beers? Can we get three beers, please? No, make it six, mate.
And when do you come back around? See? One beer.
Bloody Americans.
Hey, bud.
You in the wheelchair.
Boo! Did you see that? Boo! Hey, hey, that's supposed to be for the handicapped guy.
Boo! Boo! Boo! What's wrong with you? Hey, it's his ball.
Take the ball, Billy.
Take the ball.
No, I don't want the ball.
I don't want it now.
This looks really bad.
These people already hate me.
Take the ball.
Good, I'm glad it looks bad.
I hope they kick your ass.
Too late, pal.
I don't want it.
Take this ball off me! [Gasps] He gave away my ball.
Did you see that? He gave away my ball! Thank you.
Better hope I don't see you in the parking lot.
I wanted that ball.
I'm handicapped.
Told you ***, Billy.
- Oh, shut up.
- *** on baesball, you gonna offer me one of those? I don't want it.
Come and sit with us.
We got an extra seat.
Oh, I I, uh [Mimicking cellphone ringing] I got to take this.
It's, uh hello? He did just ring with his mouth, right? Yeah.
That can't be a good sign.
He doesn't like you, either.
Yeah! Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on! [Crowd cheers] Yeah.
Whoo! Oh, man! That was an amazing catch.
Catch it with your bare hand, you nods! All right, take it easy.
I'm just saying, right? A cricket ball is just as hard and just as fast as a baseball.
They catch it with their bare hands.
Be a much better game, I tell you, if they got rid of all the gloves in the outfield so when a fly ball happened, you'd be worried will he catch it? Won't he catch it? I don't know.
Right? It's a much superior game.
You're right.
It would be a better game.
I might actually like it then.
Shut up.
You throw like a girl.
[Crowd cheers] Oh! Whoa! [Crowd cheers] Oh, we don't want to deal with those pansy actors anymore.
They're a pain in the ass.
Oh, oh, bitter olives in the sun Quakes! Oh, oh, I had me some Bitch! And I done some time And I done some time And I done some ti-I-I-me [Crowd cheering] I hate Rodney.
Oh, stop hating on Rodney.
Stop being a dick.
I like Rodney.
I wish I could be like Rodney.
Oh, shut up, Jim! Look at him.
Look how happy he is.
Lefty! Lefty! Move left! Move left! Right now, in this moment in time, all he cares about is this baseball game.
Yeah, because Rodney wants to be at this baseball game.
Piss off, Billy.
Damn it, I missed the home run! Good.
It's what you deserve! What the hell are you doing? I'm calling the police! The police don't give a shit about freckles.
Shut up! Oh.
Hello, police? I'd like to report a murder! No, freckles, my cat.
Let's all rise for "God bless America.
" Take your hats off.
Come on, Jim, stand up.
I'm not getting up for this one.
Come on, you got to stand up.
Everyone else in the world gets one national anthem.
Why do you get two? I'll stand up for one.
I'm not standing up for two.
You kind of have to stand up.
Why? Because of 9/11.
That's when they started doing it.
It's 11/9.
What?! It's 11/9.
I'm not saying anything bad about 9/11.
I'm saying that the date's wrong.
It's 11/9.
Okay? Nowhere else in the world do they put the month first.
Everywhere else, it's the day, then the month, all right? It makes sense.
You go day, month, year.
It's a sacred date.
So, you want us to start saying 11/9? Yes, I want you to start saying 11/9.
You're about an inch from getting your ass kicked.
Inch, inch, inch.
Join the metric system like everyone else.
Who says inch or yard? Yard's something you mow.
Stand up for "God bless America.
" You know what I'll stand up for? I'll stand up for "God likes America," "God thinks America is a swell place.
" You stand up for "God bless America," son! Yeah! Yeah, that's what I thought.
Yeah! That's what I thought.
Now, take off your hat.
God, not the hat.
Not the hat.
Once the hat's on, the hat stays on.
Don't take Jimmy's hat off.
Rodney knows me.
Take off the hat now! Why don't you take your hat off, Billy? [Gasps] I didn't even see you stand for the national anthem.
I can't stand.
I'm in a wheelchair.
I-I got in this wheelchair, uh, fighting In Afghanistan fighting Saddam Hussein in Afghanistan after 9/11! Billy, stop it! I got in this wheelchair defending your freedom, son! Thank you for your service.
Saddam Hussein had nothing to do with 9/11.
[Gasps] Did you hear that?! You made a decorated veteran sit in his own waste! His waste is the only thing he is decorated in.
[Gasps] Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Jim, stop! Jim! [Crowd groans] Bitch! Hey, get ugh! Okay, stop it! Stop! All right, all right, everyone, settle down.
Settle down.
Back up.
That's enough.
You step back.
Step back, sir.
Step back right over here.
You're out of there! Don't worry, Rodney.
They're just taking me off to see "the apprentice.
" You're out? Yeah, I'm out.
- Don't ever take Jimmy's hat off! - Ok.
How can you watch baseball at a time like this? Freckles just died! Holy shit, they actually caught the guy.
Hey, hey, get in here.
They arrested the guy that killed your damn cat.
He's on the TV.
That's him! That's the man that killed my freckles! It's amazing how bad he looks with his hat off.
All right, excuse me.
Excuse me.
Oh, thank God.
Look, we've had a great day.
Really, really appreciate it.
Could have ended a bit better.
Mike's my agent.
He'll vouch for us.
No, no, I can't.
I can't.
You'll tell him I'm a good guy, Mike.
He's a he's He's a guy.
Mike, you're my agent.
All right, I'll call you.
Mike! Let's go! Why am I being arrested? You assaulted the man in the wheelchair, sir.
From what we understand, he's an Iraq veteran.
No, he's not.
- Uh - He's not? No! Asshole.
Hey! Look, look, look, look.
Uh, please let Jim go.
I'm not gonna press charges.
This was all just a misunderstanding.
I was acting like a bitch.
And you're not a veteran? No, I'm actually not a veteran, but I really am handicapped.
He's definitely handicapped.
What about him? Is he even mentally challenged? Which one of them? Yes, for crying out loud.
What kind of people do you think we are? Oh, we now know.
All right, that's it.
All three of you out.
Let's go.
Here we go, sir.
I'm sorry.
One, two, three strikes you're out at the old ball game [Light cheering] What's wrong with you, Billy? You acted like such a dick in there today.
It's like you have no gratitude whatsoever for everything that Jim does for us.
I mean, you should be ashamed of yourself.
I feel bad about it.
Oh, you feel bad about it? Well, that's good.
I mean, what are you thinking? Does anything go through your mind when you're being that selfish? All you're thinking about Must find Jim! You know, if you didn't want to come in the first place, that's fine.
I feel bad, dude, okay? I feel I said I was sorry.
You know, don't apologize to me.
Apologize to Rodney, 'cause.
Where the hell is Rodney? Who cares? Oh, shit! Leave him! We can't leave him! Strike one! Strike two! Strike three! You're out of there! Safe! Hey, they let you out quick.
Yeah, the guy in the back office let me out.
I told him I'd get him free tickets to George Lopez.
Can you? Nah.
Hey, Jim.
Sorry I encouraged everyone to beat you.
It was dicky.
You do a lot for me.
I should have done this for you.
Ah, it's all right, Billy.
I do use you to get good seats.
I know.
He is a happy little prick.
[Laughs] Having the time of his life.
Hey, Rodney! You suck! I hate you! Hi, Billy! Hi, Steve.
Hi, Jim.
It's really good that you got your hat back.
You had really bad hat hair.
Really? You suck too! ***