Lucas Bros Moving Co (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Freedom Town

1 [both grunting] This is exactly what the bar needed.
A new couch.
Thanks, brothers.
- It's cool.
- I'm glad we did this.
Who can resist a couch that's so soft? Yeah, we even named him.
- Really, you gave it a name? - We named him Dwayne.
- Obviously.
- Ahh, Dwayne's a good name.
Now don't take this the wrong way, I'm just generally curious.
How'd y'all pay for Dwayne? Pay? Dude, when you married to the streets like us, the streets pay you.
- In couches.
- In other words, it's a couch we found on the street.
I mean, can you believe some fool kicked Dwayne to the curb, just because he has bedbugs? - That fool was stone cold.
- Hold up, this couch got bedbugs?! [vacuum whirring] Dwayne's gotta go, now! Damn, Jerrod.
Now you the one that's stone cold.
1x04 - Freedom Town Bedbugs don't have any power on street couches.
See, that's just straight street logic, man.
Look, I'm sorry, brothers, but if this place gets contaminated with bedbugs, the health inspector will shut the whole bar down.
You gotta get rid of Dwayne.
We can't, man.
Dwayne's like a son to us.
You gotta learn when to let things go.
- What do you mean? - Well, for instance, as long as I've known you, you've had the exact same pair of glasses.
Hey, when we find something we like, we love it.
And you've worn the same sweatshirt since elementary school.
- They still fit.
- Those were our best years.
And you still watch "Sister, sister"! Man, that was a dope TV show.
- Bitches are hot.
- But sometimes you gotta let things go and move on to bigger and better things.
And my advice, start with Dwayne.
Maybe he's right.
Dwayne's been on the streets all his life.
Maybe he'll benefit from a change of scenery.
- Yeah, let's take him to the country.
- Now you're talking.
If you love something, you gotta set it free.
Maya Angelou said that.
And and Sting.
And possibly R.
Kelly.
Look, it was a really popular saying.
- A lot of people said it.
- All right, Jerrod, you convinced us.
But before we go, can you take a photo of us and Dwayne? Yeah, it'll be something for us to remember him by.
All right, now say "personal growth!" [whirring] [birds chirping] I guess now it's time that we say good-bye to D-wayne.
You know, maybe deep down you weren't a street couch at all.
Yeah, maybe you're a field couch.
Every young ottoman aspires to get out of the hood, and you did it.
You're an inspiration.
- You're free now.
- Run! Why are you not moving? You're free, dude.
- Go on, get! - You're free from the ghetto.
- Get! Get, Dwayne! - Get out of here! You're making this too tough for us.
It's definitely tough for one of us.
Kenny doesn't care that much.
[laughs] Oh, I care about Dwayne.
Oh, you care? We both care, D-wayne.
- Go.
- Please.
[R&B music playing] Jerrod: # So how could it be? # somebody took our boy from we we've really missed our street couch even though he gone away.
Kenny: Man, I miss Dwayne.
Yeah, me too.
What do think he's up to? Probably just chillin'.
You know, doing couch stuff.
Remember when we used to do couch stuff with Dwayne? Yeah, you see that moose right there? There's no moose in this photo.
Oh, that moose.
[both screaming] Kenny, you good? I'm good, Keef.
How 'bout you, van? What we gonna do? Our van's totaled.
We can call Jake the Snake to come tow our van.
Oh, okay, that's cool.
Oh, snap, I don't have reception out here.
Me neither.
- What about now? - Nope, still no bars.
- Now? - Nope.
How about now? - Oh, wait, there's a bar.
- Oh, you found one? No, it's an actual bar.
Hey, man, you got a phone in here we can use? Of course! All: Oh, snap.
[thunder rumbles] [groaning loudly] I'll be right back.
Where do you think you're going, Houdini? I'm about to give birth to your identical twins any second.
I just gotta make a quick run for some cigarettes [echoes] I just gotta make a quick run for some cigarettes.
I'll be right back.
Both: Dad? [screeches, honks horn] Hey, Dad.
- Dad? - Aah! Yo, Dad? Hey, Dad.
Both: Hey, Dad.
Damn! Look, I don't know how y'all found me, but y'all gots to go.
- But, Dad - Shh! Are you out your mind? You can't say that word around here.
- What? Dad? - I said, shut the [bleep] up.
You stumbled on America's best kept secret.
This is Freedom Town.
[eagle caws] This is where dads go to get free from fatherhood.
It's like "Django" up in this bitch.
And my identical twin sons being here could severely mess up the game.
Look, we wanna go, but we can't.
Our van broke down after we abandoned Dwayne.
Oh-ho! Y'all abandoned your son too? Now this changes everything.
Nah, man, Dwayne's not our son.
It's our street couch.
All right, I guess that's a start.
That's a start.
Damn, here's what we gonna do, all right? I'ma get y'all van fixed [mumbling] 'cause you my sons but once I do, y'all gotta promise to get the hell out of here.
And never tell anyone what you seen or where you been.
- Oh, okay.
- Okay.
Especially not your mama.
I owe that bitch a lot of money.
[tools trilling] Wow! Houdini is in the house! Hey, Houdini.
Hold up.
Who we got here? I ain't seen you boys around these parts before.
Oh, these stone cold dudes? The just rolled in to Freedom Town left their son Dwayne in the middle of the woods.
That's some "blair witch" [bleep] right there! These dudes are cold.
Is that so? After they took off, though, their van broke down.
- You think you could fix it up? - Sure thing.
Shouldn't take but a few hours.
I'll get Timmy right on it.
Thanks a lot, Grady.
Holla at me when it's ready, homie! Timmy! - Ooh ooh.
- I want you to keep an eye on those two.
Something about 'em seems mighty 'spicious.
[screeches] You know what? Y'all did good in there.
I'm proud.
You passed your first test.
Now if you gonna make it until the van is fixed, you need to blend in.
Stay close.
Do as I do.
For the next few hours, y'all deadbeat dads.
[cheering] Announcer: He's on fire! This is awesome.
You mean you can just play video games all day? Hell, yeah! I do what I want when I want how I want.
Who gon' stop me? Your mama? [laughs] That bitch couldn't even stop me from leaving.
[clap] Keef, go grab me a beer from the kitchen.
I'm actually Kenny.
But it's cool, we look alike.
- Oh, hey, Dad.
What's this? - Hey! Put that down! That's an autographed Satchel Paige baseball.
It's my most prized possession.
- Cool.
- How much did that cost? Just three or four years of child support.
I love you like a son, baseball.
[kisses] I'll never leave you.
[doorbell rings] All right, boys.
You done a great job fitting in so far but the real challenge starts now.
- What do you mean? - I host a poker night, and there are gonna be some real mean hombres up in here.
You understand what I'm saying? Don't [bleep] this up.
[men cheer] [upbeat music playing] Hey, Johnny, isn't it your kid's birthday? - Yeah, it is.
- Oh, that's cool.
How old is he? I'm pretty sure he's turning Who gives a [bleep]?! [all laughing] Oh, that's a good one, Johnny.
- Hey, Houdini.
- Grady! - Did you finish the van already? - Yep, it's all ready to go.
- Aww, thanks a lot, Grady.
- Just one thing! Look what Timmy found when he was fixing up your van.
[screeches] Turns out their son was no son at all.
But a couch! [all gasp] - Dwayne wasn't just a couch.
- He was a street couch.
Hold on, these guys aren't really deadbeat dads? And I'm playing poker with them?! [yells] Everybody just calm down, okay? Technically, they my kids.
[screeches] But they gonna be on their way out.
Let's just give them they van, and they gonna be ghosts.
- Yeah.
- And risk you telling anyone about what you seen here?! Our baby mamas will be on our ass in no time.
The Lucas brothers have got to die! Timmy, give him a shotgun.
Well, Dad, we really liked hanging with you.
When we're dead, we're really gonna miss you, Dad.
This is crazy! You know what? Maybe we got this all wrong.
Maybe running away from our problems is not the right answer.
Yes, I said it.
Maybe we've been pretending like we don't care about our children, 'cause deep down, we really do.
I mean, Johnny, your son's not really turning who gives a [bleep]? Today, is he? No, he's not.
He's 13.
[voice-breaking] Tonight's his bar mitzvah.
And I'm missing it.
Guys, ain't it about time we put the "dad" back in "deadbeat dad.
" [all cheer] That was incredibly touching.
You know, I spent the last 26 years having a great time, but I've missed a lot of experiences with y'all.
And I'm gonna make it up to you starting right now.
Lucas brothers, how 'bout a game of catch with your old man? - Yeah, that's cool.
- That'll be like that Madonna movie.
- "A league of their own.
" - That was a good sad movie.
Hey, boys, catch.
Look, Dad, we caught it! - Dad? Where'd Dad go? - Hey, where'd the house go? - Is that a note? - There is a note.
[in Houdini's voice] Well, at least he left us this Satchel Paige baseball.
We'll always have that to remember him by.
Damn.
Did he at least leave some snacks in the fridge? [whimpering] - Damn, Timmy, they left you too? - Man, that's stone cold.
[both grunting] Hold up, hold up, hold up.
I thought you were getting rid of this disgusting thing? Man, we can't just give up on Dwayne like that.
Yeah, you don't just abandon someone because they're - a lot of responsibility.
- Even if that person is a couch.
Or a set of identical twins.
- Or a monkey.
- Hey, where's the monkey? [Timmy screeches] [R&B music playing] So how could it be? somebody took our boy from we we really miss our street couch.
Yep, this thing definitely has bedbugs.
Oh, snap! [chuckling]