Lucas Bros Moving Co (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Tales From the Hoodie

2x01 - "Tales from the Hoodie" [Eerie music playing] [Brake clicks] Kenny: Yo, is this the place? Keef: Yup, 666 Dobbin Street.
Kenny: Hey, you think it's kind of weird that we're moving - a funeral home on Friday the 13th? - [Keef chuckles] Nah, man.
This is the only time to move a funeral home.
It wouldn't make any sense - to move it any other day.
- Kenny: Oh, I see.
[Thunder claps] [Eerie music playing] [Thumping] - Kenny, I don't think anybody's home.
- A'ight, let's bounce.
[Locks click] [Door creaks] Yo, the door just opened up by itself.
- I know.
- Are you creeped out? - No.
- All right, then let's go in.
Hello? Yo? Anybody home? Don't be alarmed, we're the Lucas Bros.
Kenny: All right, we're gonna get started with this move, dude.
Yeah, we're gonna start with the books.
Oh, cool, Goosebumps.
[Hums tune] Goosebumps.
[Rumbling] Whoa! Oh, dope.
A secret room.
- Yo, what's that? - Looks like a coffin.
Welcome, Lucas Brothers.
I've been waiting for you.
- Yeah, dude.
- We know.
- You called us to help you move.
- Hm, yes, indeed.
But before we begin [giggles maniacally] I want to tell you a scary story.
[Both grunt] Both: Whoa.
Oh, cool.
We love scary stories.
- Who's it about? - It's about you.
I always wanted to hear a scary story about myself.
[Laughs] It all started a few hours ago, when you were at home smoking weed.
[Cackles] Keef: Oh, I remember that.
Yo, you wanna watch "Living single" right now? - Obviously, dude.
- Finally we can chill and watch Queen Latifah run the shit out of this urban sitcom.
You got the remote? - I don't got the remote.
You had it.
- No, I don't.
If you don't have it, and I don't have it, that means the remote is missing? [Dramatic score] This looks like a job for O.
Sherlock kush.
[Buzzing] [Royal fanfare plays] - Pass me the pipe, Watson.
- You got it, Watson.
[Buzzes] [Both breathe deep, sigh] Oh, here it is.
I'm sitting right on it.
- Case closed.
- Thank you, Sherlock kush.
[Fanfare playing] If you need me again, I'll be off meeting the queen.
[Chuckles] Yes.
[Knocking] - I think somebody's at the door.
- I see that.
- You gotta get the door.
- I don't wanna do it.
All right, we'll play rock, paper, scissors? - Okay.
- All right.
Both: Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.
Well, I guess we both gotta get it.
Hey, Lucas Brothers.
Oh, snap.
It's Jake "the Snake" Roberts.
What it do, Jake "the Snake"? I heard about the great job you did - finding your television remote.
- What? You did? - That means the streets are talking.
- [Laughing] Dope.
Now I've got another job for you.
My snake, Damien, is missing.
Did you just say that Damien is missing? [Dramatic score] - The end.
- Wait, what? - There's nothing else that happened? - [Laughs] Oh, right.
You did go to Jake's house to look for the snake.
[Evil cackling] Looks like another job for O.
Sherlock kush.
[Fanfare playing] Pass the pipe, Watson.
You got it, Watson.
[Both breathe deep, sigh] Here he is.
I'm sitting right on him.
Cool, we found him.
We did it.
We're done.
What up, Damien? Yo, Damien, why aren't you responding to us? Hey, yo, I think Damien's dead, dude.
Oh, man.
How are we gonna break the news to Jake? - He's gonna be so sad.
- I know, he's definitely gonna cry.
Too late, brothers I'm already crying.
[Sobbing] Damien! Jake, I know you're upset, man.
But just look on the bright side.
We did an excellent job solving the case.
Another case closed by the Lucas Bros.
The end! of the second part of the story.
- How many parts are there? - Silence! On to part three.
[Evil cackling] [Bagpipes playing] Today we say goodbye to a fallen brother, Damien! [Howls] Damien snake has been fired from life.
We can all be comforted by the fact that Damien lives in the fiery depths of hell.
I wanna thank you all for showing your support.
I especially wanna thank Lucas Brothers for their fine detective work.
Without the brothers, I would have never been able to give Damien the burial he deserves.
- Iron Sultan: Hey, Jake! - Huh? Your snake was a Jew-piece of crap.
Damn you, you dirty sultan.
Once this funeral's over, I'm coming for you.
Oh, yeah? We'll see about that, jabroni.
[Overlapping shouting] [Shouting continues] Oh, man, this is the dopest funeral ever, man.
Yeah, when I die, make sure they have a wrestling match.
I want it to be an open-casket cage match.
[Laughs] [Screams] Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! The end! - Dude, that was a great ending.
- You didn't let me finish.
I was saying, "the end of that part of the story.
" [Groans] [Evil cackling] Kenny: This story sucks, dude.
- Here's to Damien.
- And here's to us for finding a dead snake in a couch.
[Gulp] So what's your next case, brothers? None, man.
We're getting out of the detective game.
Yeah, we're getting too stoned for this shit.
Plus, we were supposed to be at a move three hours ago.
Oh, and he's calling right now.
- Peace, Jerrod.
We gotta go.
- See you on the flip side.
Hey, Kenny.
You got the key to the van? - Nope.
So that means - The keys are Both: Missing? [Dramatic score] Just when I thought we were out, O.
Sherlock kush pulls us right back in.
[Fanfare playing] Pass the pipe, Watson.
You got it, Watson.
Oh, snap.
I can't find the pipe.
Well, it must have fallen out of your pockets during the funeral, Lucas chaps.
Damn, O.
Sherlock kush is right.
I guess we gotta go back to the cemetery.
[Snarls, howls] Kenny: Hmm now, if we were a lost pipe, where would we hide? I don't know.
But we usually find stuff while we're sitting down.
So I think we should go with that plan.
- All right.
- Whoa.
- Oh, there's our pipe.
- Now let's find our keys.
Time for some good, old-fashioned detective work.
[Fanfare playing] Hold on.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold up, Kenny.
You notice anything different about the grave? Of course, dude.
It's been grave-robbed.
Why else would we be standing in it? Damn it, that means Damien is missing again.
- [Groans] This snake sucks.
- Should we go tell Jake? Jake: Too late, brothers.
I already know.
- Oh, hey, what up, Jake? - What's cracking? - Man, why do you look like a ghost? - That's actually a funny story.
It turns out Damien came back to life as a ghost, and he dragged me down and bit me, turning me into a ghost.
That's pretty romantic.
- I'm happy for you, man.
- I'm happy for you, Jake.
Now you get to live with your snake forever.
And the best part is you're going to join us.
Because we're gonna bite you with our ghost teeth.
[Screaming] [Growling, hissing] [Shouting] [Kenny and Keef yelling] [Grunting] Come on, Kenny, let's get out of here! [Howling, hissing] Oh, yeah! Hey, Jerrod, hurry up.
Hurry up.
- Both: Ah! - Hey, Lucas Brothers, what's up? Hey, Jerrod, where do you keep the proton packs? We got a Bobby-Brown-"Ghostbusters II"-type situation going on outside.
- What are you guys talking about? - "Ghostbusters II," my friend.
Yeah, "Ghostbusters II," the proton packs.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Slow down, brothers.
What's going on? Jake "the Snake" is back from the dead, and he's turning everybody into ghosts, vampires, zombies or something.
Hold up, hold up.
Did you bury Damien in Greenpoint pet cemetery? - Yeah, why? - Because that place is evil as hell.
Peep this, brothers.
[Grunting] [Blows] Jerrod: Chief Greenpoint was the leader of a tribe called Quest, the first native Americans to kick it in ancient Brooklyn.
Chief Greenpoint was a lover of all animals.
He had tons of pets.
And when his favorite pet bear, Lil Flatbush, died, he built a cemetery to honor him.
But once the Dutch arrived, they took over and built a white pet cemetery on top of his native American pet cemetery! Oh, snap, they gentrified his pet cemetery? Yup, and Chief Greenpoint never forgave them.
He put a curse on Lil Flatbush's grave and anyone who desecrated the land.
Oh, man.
We must have buried Damien on top of Little Flatbush's grave.
[Shouting] Oh, look out, a ghost hand! Lucas Bros! Hey, how can we fix this? Yeah, we don't want to be turned into ghosts.
It says here that Chief Greenpoint was a pretty reasonable guy.
I guess you could apologize to him for desecrating his land.
- But Chief Greenpoint's dead.
- Legend has it, that if you say Chief Greenpoint's name five times into a mirror, you can summon him from the grave.
- Why five times? - I don't know.
'Cause that's what happened in "Candyman.
" All right, that makes sense.
[Overlapping shouting] Oh, snap, the ghosts.
They got Jerrod! Don't worry about me, brothers.
Get to the bathroom.
[Hissing, shouting] Kenny: Okay, let's do this.
Both: Chief Greenpoint.
Chief Greenpoint.
Chief Greenpoint.
Chief Greenpoint.
Chief Green point.
Oh, snap.
There you are.
Who has summoned me? It was us, the Lucas Brothers.
Yeah, we're sorry to call you back from the dead, but we just wanted to apologize.
Go on.
I'm listening.
We wanna apologize on behalf of you losing your cemetery.
and if you really think about it, it's actually really not our fault.
Yeah, it's more like white people's fault.
- Kenny: It's definitely their fault.
- Yeah, so maybe you should just kill all the white people and leave us alone.
And by us, he doesn't mean black people.
- He just means us.
- Yeah, specifically me and Kenny.
Hmm How about No! [Growls] [Screams] The end! Wait, wait, wait a second.
So you're telling us that we die at the end of the story? [Cackles] Yeah, that's it.
It's over.
Come on, dude.
Something else has gotta happen.
Yeah, there's gotta be a secret-twist ending.
- There's always a secret-twist ending.
- Oh, you're right.
- There is a secret-twist ending.
- Oh, dope.
- What it is.
- Lay it on us.
It turns out you didn't just die at the end.
You died at the beginning! [Laughs] Yo, you wanna watch "Living single" right now? Obviously.
You got the key to the van? Come on, dude.
Something else has gotta happen.
Yeah, even with a twist ending, that story sucks.
Come on, ghost Keef.
Let's go hang with ghost Jerrod.
See what he's up to.
- Let's ghost.
- Let's ghost.
[Chuckles] Wait, where are you going? You gotta move me! I'm getting evicted! [Door slams] Oh [Babbles] [Maniacal laughing] The end! Oh snap.