Man with a Plan (2016) s02e05 Episode Script

1 Oh, hey, I'll take the kids to school.
I want to talk to the principal, again, about letting Kate play on the boys' soccer team.
Why are you making yourself crazy with this? Even if the school agrees, you know the boys are gonna be jerks about it.
Remember that Disney movie where they put the donkey on the football team to kick the field goals? He did not fit in.
Yeah, I remember that movie.
They went all the way to the Super Bowl with that donkey.
Okay, kiddos, finish up.
We're out the door in two minutes.
Hey, Adam.
We met a guy at breakfast who wants to apply to be foreman of the mini-mall job.
Oh, is he any good? Been running a table saw 25 years and is only missing one finger.
Put him on top of the pile.
I can't wait until there's a new guy at work.
I've gotten enough guff.
It's time for me to dish some out.
And believe you me, I've got guff to give.
You keep using words like "guff" I doubt your life is gonna change much.
Hey, uh, just out of curiosity, why does it have to be a guy? What do you mean? Well, all the applicants are men.
Well, the job is foreman.
It's for a man.
No, that's not why.
Okay, look, my crew are big, tough guys, so I need an even bigger, tougher guy to boss them around.
Plus, we have Porta-Potties.
Those things don't flush.
It's no place for a lady.
You are the father of two daughters.
Would you want Emme and Kate being denied opportunities? At a construction site? Yes.
Look, I do what I do so they can have the kind of namby-pamby jobs where your boss has a ponytail and you can call in sad.
So, women can only do namby-pamby jobs? No, no, I just Why is everyone so quiet? 'Cause you're about to get it, Dad.
No, no, no, no, no.
We are having a friendly talk that I am gonna win.
Okay? But just in case I don't, go wait in the car.
I bet Mom says a bad word.
Oh, I bet she says all of them.
How many bad words are there? Four big ones and there's, like, 12 words for butt.
Okay, look, I'm-I'm not saying women are worse than men.
I'm just saying they're different.
Why did we even go see Wonder Woman? What? It's true.
Why can't we say it? Because there are other people in the room.
Look, men are better at some things and women are better at others.
You know, I have to say (CLUCKS TONGUE) you're kind of being a sexist.
Okay, well, you don't have to say it.
Look, I am not a sexist.
All right? I'm just saying what everyone else is thinking.
Right, guys? Uh, I completely agree with you, as soon as she leaves.
I would hire a woman because, again, I am not a sexist.
But no women want this job.
Uh-huh.
A-And where did you advertise for this job? I told these guys.
You know there are websites with qualified people looking for jobs.
Maybe you should look there.
Fine.
I will.
And I bet there'll be some women on there.
I'll bet there will.
- And you should find one.
- I will.
- And interview her.
- Fine.
Fine.
I've never seen anyone lose that slowly before.
Okay, Leonard, thanks for stopping by.
Oh, here, take this with you.
No need to waste it.
(CHUCKLES) He totally failed my "what's your favorite lunch" question.
Caesar salad? (SCOFFS) He's not one of us.
We've interviewed seven guys today - and none of them are any good.
- Yeah, well, all right, we're almost done.
We just got one more.
- A lady.
- Really? You actually did that? Yeah, because I am not a sexist.
So, we're gonna interview this girl, who's never gonna get the job, and then grab some lunch.
- (KNOCK AT DOOR) - All right, that's her, so remember, she's just a person trying to get a job, so act professional.
Goes without saying.
Come on in.
Hey.
I'm Zara.
Hey, mama.
So, Zara, uh, what do you like about construction? What's there not to like? I get to smash stuff, get to drive big machines, and when you're finished, there's something there that wasn't there before.
- Good answer.
- Mm, yeah.
The last guy said he liked how easy it was to quit.
I see you went to college.
In this job, we build colleges.
We don't go to them.
If you look at the next line, you'll see that I got a degree in construction management.
Oh, a big fancy college girl.
I'm sorry.
I can't give you guff.
You seem lovely.
Zara, the issue I'm having here is you don't have a ton of on-site experience.
Yeah, it's hard for a woman to get a job on a work site.
Guys just hire other guys.
- What? - What? - What? Look, I have enough experience to know that you'd already have your roof up if your guys weren't shooting dice behind that forklift.
Don, you said you were gonna handle that.
I did.
They cut us in for 20%.
That's how we got the fancy coffee maker.
I'll take care of this.
ZARA: Hey! Get back to work! Every minute you're on your ass, I'm docking your pay! Oh, they're moving now.
Look, Big Ernie just ran into a hole.
Oh, it's okay.
Little Ernie is helping him out.
Ah.
Now they're both in the hole.
Nice guys.
Very impressive.
I haven't seen Big Ernie run that fast since his ex-wife came down here.
You know, I-I think she's hired.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hang on.
I have one last question.
If you were ordering lunch today, what would you get? Oh, answer's always chili.
Yeah, she's hired.
This is amazing.
Thank you so much for the opportunity.
You won't regret it.
I will work my tail off for you.
Hey, you earned it.
I'm sorry.
Before you go You look so familiar.
Have we met? (LAUGHS) Nice try, gramps.
No, I-I really think I know her.
It's because she's attractive.
It happens to me all the time.
People see this and they think they know me.
Although, often, they just think I'm Rachel Maddow.
This is so great.
Not only is Zara perfect for the job, but when Andi sees that I hired a woman, she's gonna feel bad for calling me a sexist.
Then you know what I'm gonna see? Regret face.
Ah, regret face, the rarest of all the wife faces.
I saw a touch of that on my wedding day.
Hey, honey.
Welcome home.
Wow, you seem chipper.
Ah, just a great day to be alive.
I was very productive, met a lot of guys, hired a new foreman.
Oh, yeah? Did you go with Mr.
Nine Fingers? No, no.
No, not him.
Went with someone else.
This one's got body parts the other guys wish they had.
Okay, so, get this.
I just got off the phone with Kate's principal and he said the administration would discuss putting Kate on the team.
They don't mean that.
That's the same trick I use on you.
Sexism.
It is the scourge of our country, but what are you gonna do? (DOORBELL RINGS) Oh, that's probably the new foreman coming by to get the start paperwork.
I'll get it.
I'm very excited to get it.
Andi, meet the new guy.
It's a lady.
Hey.
I'm Zara.
Zara, this is my wife, Andi.
Hey.
That stunned look on her face is, uh, it's 'cause she's not used to seeing women in construction.
She's kind of old-fashioned.
(LAUGHS) Here's your, uh, here's your paperwork.
- Great, thanks.
- Yeah.
Oh, was there a reason why you didn't just e-mail this to me? Yes, yes, there was.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Wait a second, you actually hired a woman as your foreman? Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Perhaps now you'd like to take back calling me a sexist? I mean, that word starts off great, but then goes downhill real fast.
You know what maybe I misjudged you.
There it is.
The regret face.
Oh.
It's just, it's so beautiful.
I almost can't look straight at it.
It's like an eclipse.
- (LAUGHS) - No, I'm serious.
I'm so proud of you.
- Yeah? - Yeah, I mean, you were a dusty old seed and now you're-you're just, you're blossoming into a beautiful flower husband.
I really am.
Yeah, I'm, uh, I'm-I'm changing people's lives.
I think they're gonna put me on a stamp.
(LAUGHS) Hey.
I was waiting in my car for Zara to leave.
I figured out how I know her.
- What? - She was a dancer at the Tassel Castle.
What? I thought that place closed down.
(CLEARS THROAT) I mean, what's the Tassel Castle? It's the-the strip club down at the airport.
Oh, Don.
And a little bit Adam.
I think our new foreman may have left something off her résumé.
Wha is he saying that you hired an exotic dancer? Apparently.
Although, I don't know why he's saying it in front of you.
Oh, Adam.
And now only Adam.
No, no, no, no.
You-you were proud of me.
I was blossoming.
I was I was gonna be on a stamp.
Ugh.
I guess this isn't the first time an airport stripper ruined a husband's day.
Hey, don't be mad at me, be mad at Don He went to the strip club.
Bad Don.
I didn't go for the girls, Marcy and I used to go for the hot wings.
You get in free if you bring your wife.
That's a real peek behind the curtain.
No, no, no, you can't go behind the curtain.
They're very serious about that.
And I'm sure it was Zara.
She was going by the name Amber Breeze.
I am just not comfortable with you working ten hours a day with somebody who used to dance for schlumpy perverts.
Hey.
Don't call my wife schlumpy.
Geez.
Uh okay, so, you want me to fire her because she used to dance for a living? That sounds sexist.
You're the sexist! That is not what I meant.
Okay, yeah, I know what you meant.
And frankly, it saddens me.
Okay, how could you, the mother of two daughters, be so judgmental? That's women keeping women down, that's what that is.
I am not a sexist.
I just I'm suspicious of strippers.
So she's a stripperist.
Look, I believe that any woman should be able to have any job.
Right? Unless she's a stripper and it's with my husband.
I mean, come on, you're out there building things and getting all sweaty.
I mean, you're so sexy when you're sweaty.
I am? Oh.
I've been taking showers all these years like an idiot.
She has to go.
All right? There is not a wife in America - who would disagree with me.
- Okay, wait, hang on, hang on, we're getting all bent out of shape about something Don says he remembers seeing years ago.
I mean, Amber Breeze? I'm pretty sure that's the name of the air freshener in the Porta-Potties.
Look, look.
Before we do anything, we have to find out if it's even true.
Okay, well, you said you were sure.
How confident are you? Very.
Like 50-50.
Hey, did you hear anything from school about me playing on the boys' soccer team? Oh, not yet.
Are you sure you really want to do this? I mean, I've been telling you since you were two: stay away from boys, they are gross.
I just want to be on the best team.
Okay, okay, but those boys only want one thing and it's not for you to play the goalie.
Honey, she's growing up.
- She's gonna be blocking a lot of balls.
- Don't Don't do that.
That's my baby.
All right, look, Zara's gonna be here any minute to go over these blueprints with me and then we'll just ask her if she was a dancer.
Well, no, we can't just ask her.
I mean, if we're wrong, we're just gonna look like jerks.
Okay, uh, oh.
Well, how about if I drop a dollar bill on the floor and we see how she picks it up? Huh? I mean, if she, like, if she, like, crawls across the floor to get it, case closed.
Or we could try literally anything else.
Fine, we'll do it the slow way.
Okay, and if it turns out to be true, she's out.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR) I'll get the door.
- Hey, come on in.
- Hey.
I stopped by the job site to get the guys started and I noticed that the whole crew wasn't wearing shirts.
Is that normal? No, they're just not used to having a girl around.
They're trying to impress you.
Well, I was impressed by the amount of back hair.
Hey, uh, you know, speaking of not wearing shirts, Andi, do you think it's weird to not wear a shirt at your job? Well, yeah, I mean, I've always worn shirts at my job.
You know.
But I bet there are some jobs out there where-where you don't have to.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
- Like a lifeguard.
- Mmm.
- Or a TV show lifeguard.
- Right.
Uh Zara, can you think of any more? Lion tamer.
- True.
True, true, true, true, yeah, very true, yeah.
- Hmm, yeah.
(QUIETLY): No.
Uh, you know, I know it's kind of early, but, boy, I would like a beer.
Andi, what's the name of that beer you like? Amber something? I don't know, I'll drink anything.
Andi The beer Don was talking about.
(MOUTHS) Oh! - Oh, set me up again.
- (SCOFFS) You know, I had All right, I've had enough of this, okay? Hey, Zara, you know, uh, we heard that you might have been a dancer at the Tassel Castle.
Yes, I was a stripper.
Well, there it is.
- Okay, uh, Zara - ZARA: Wait.
Is this gonna be a problem? Because I really don't want to lose this job.
You guys are the only ones that gave me a chance.
Andi? What, it's-it's none of my business who you hire.
I don't like to get involved.
Look, it's it's not like the Tassel Castle was my dream job.
My parents didn't approve of me doing construction because I was a woman.
They wouldn't pay for my school, so I had to find a job where I could work nights, go to school during the day and make enough money to pay for it.
I did what I had to do.
And I know some people might judge me.
But I don't care.
I'm proud of myself.
I wasn't gonna let anybody tell me how I could live my life.
Wow, that that is so inspiring.
I can't believe you even thought about firing her over this! Man Zara's been through some stuff.
- Yeah, her parents, huh? - Yeah, what were they thinking? I don't know, but (SCOFFS) that was quite a story.
I know.
Well, every dancer has a story.
How do you know? - Don told me.
- Uh-huh.
(KATE SIGHS HEAVILY) I just got an e-mail from the principal.
They decided that I'm not allowed to play on the boys' team.
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.
I just, I don't understand why it's such a big deal.
I don't like people telling me how to live my life.
You know what? Neither do I.
You want to play on the boys' soccer team, we're gonna make it happen.
Go upstairs, get your brother and sister We're all gonna take you to school today, okay? What's gotten into you? You heard Zara's story Her parents didn't support her, she ended up spinning her tassels down at the airport.
Andi, what is our number one job as parents? To give our kids - love and security? - Nah.
That's number two and number three.
Number one is to keep our daughter off the pole.
Okay? So I am gonna make damn sure that I support Katie.
Ooh.
You're getting all sweaty.
- I like it.
- Oh.
Really? Okay, all right, well, keep that on a low simmer, - and we'll meet back here for lunch, okay? - Okay.
All right.
Uh, how how sweaty do you want me? Like a like a farmer, or late for a plane? Like a farmer who's late for a plane.
Wow.
Never a dull moment with you.
Ha-ha! Okay, my wife has something to say, so I am gonna stand here and make sure you listen to her.
Huh? Release the kraken, honey.
You know, I have listened to all of your excuses about how it's not practical to have a girl on the boys' team, but the bottom line is, you're the one that's been stopping it, - because you're a sexist.
- (CHUCKLES) Boom! Sexist.
Boom! Yeah, and I'm not just gonna say that to your face, I'm gonna say it on the Internet.
I'm on Twitter.
Okay? I have 18 followers.
And they all have followers, too.
I'm gonna make you go viral.
So you need to ask yourself: which side of history do you want to be on? Oh.
Boom.
History.
(MOUTHS) So, what happened? You're in.
(LAUGHING): Really? Yes! - Thank you! - Oh, hey Don't thank me Your mom did it.
Yeah, you should have seen his face.
Is that what I look like when you yell at me? You guys are awesome.
- So, you want to walk me to class? - No, we can't.
We have to be escorted out by security.
(SIGHS) No, no, no.
What? The whole crew's doing it.
It's Fresh Air Friday.
That's not a thing.
- It isn't? - Nah.
Don! Well, I can't put my shirt on now I'm covered in baby oil.
Hey, honey.
How was soccer practice? We're still not allowed back on campus.
You were right.
Boys are gross.
You got to get me back on the girls' team.
The kids do this to us every time.
(SIGHS) They get excited about something, we make it happen, and then they quit.
Hey, guys.
I was thinking about playing the clarinet.
No.
But I really want to.
No, you don't.
Yeah, you're right.
I'll just go play video games.
There you go.
And that's how we're doing that from now on.
(SCOFFS): Yeah.