Man with a Plan (2016) s02e06 Episode Script

Adam Gets Neighborly

1 So get this.
The new neighbors down the block had a party, and invited everybody on the street except us.
What? No.
Not great.
I heard it from that old hermit guy on the corner who let all his grass die.
Dirt Yard Bob? Yeah.
They even invited Dirt Yard Bob.
The guy that electrocuted himself trying to get free sneakers off a power line.
I heard that when he woke up, he could suddenly play the piano.
We used to get invited to everything.
I mean, potlucks, holiday parties.
- What happened? - I happened.
I cut the cord with that bunch of mooches.
: You're welcome.
- Those people were our friends.
- No.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Remember two years ago when we stayed home on the Fourth of July? I got roped into feeding all their cats.
That's what neighbors do.
You know what cats do? They hide, and then they dive at you, claws first.
They get off, like, six punches before you know what the hell happened.
Okay, well, remember when we let the Morrisons park their boat in our driveway? Then they split up, and the husband just lived on it for weeks.
That thing didn't have a toilet.
Where did he go, Andi? We'll never know.
Yeah, but now we're outcasts.
I mean, how did you manage to alienate an entire block? Well, it was pretty easy, actually.
You know, whenever someone would want to make plans, I'd just say, "Oh, yeah, sure.
I'll have Andi call you" Then I never told you to call.
Then, when I'd run into 'em, I'd say, "I can't believe Andi never called you" Voilà.
So I look like the bad guy.
How do you think I feel? I look like I'm married to the bad guy.
You know what? You've become unfriendly.
- What? - Mm.
I have not.
The neighbors were all over us.
When Germany invaded Poland, did people call Poland unfriendly? Don't bring Germany into this, all right? Every time you're losing an argument, you call in the Germans.
What's wrong with being neighborly? I just don't get it.
I mean, why do I have to be buddies with someone just because of a geographical coincidence? You know? I'm sure somebody lived next to Mussolini.
Were they watching his cat? And here come the Italians.
Look, bottom line, I did us a favor.
I can't believe it took you this long to notice.
Well, I've been busy working.
I just I wasn't paying attention.
I just thought you were quietly on board.
You know? It's like upstairs.
If you don't make a face, I just keep going.
ADAM: And then Andi said I was unfriendly.
I was kind of expecting a thank you.
From your wife? That's not what they do.
I'm a friendly guy.
I mean, Lowell, we became friends.
It was the hardest thing I've ever done, and I knitted this sweater vest.
I'm looking for Adam Burns.
Are you a singing telegram? I am not.
Then he's over there.
I'm the new county inspector.
I just checked your concrete slab.
Oh, great.
Yeah, as soon as you sign off, we can start framing.
I'm not signing off.
It's still wet.
And you knew that when you called me down here.
The inspector we had before did it all the time.
He understood the concept of leeway, you know.
I don't believe in leeway.
I believe in my way.
- Look, new lady - My name's Joy.
Well, somebody lied to you.
I don't know if they taught you this in county inspector school, but concrete dries, okay? That's why the sidewalks aren't full of skeletons trying to pull their legs out.
I don't know if they taught you this in contractor school, but you don't talk to me like that.
Joke's on her.
I didn't even go to contractor school.
Okay, look, it's gonna be two weeks before that slab cures all the way.
If you don't sign off, my guys can't work, and I'm paying 'em to do nothing.
That's a problem.
That's your problem.
Until you got here, I didn't have a problem! Did you just raise your voice at me? - Well - I do not take kindly to that, sir, because then I am forced to do the same.
And if this is a talking-loud competition, I will win it! [QUIETLY.]
: Well, maybe it's a talking-soft competition, and I'm winning it.
What? Just send the other inspector back.
He knew me.
Well, I do not know you, sir, and so far, what I've seen, I do not like.
You are very unfriendly.
Unfriendly? Wha-What do you want me to do, make you a balloon animal? I've red-tagged a lot of slabs, and this has given me the most pleasure.
That's right, "pleasure," as in "joy.
" ADAM: I can't believe two people who don't even know each other both said I was unfriendly.
Hey, everybody's born with a certain amount of friendly in them.
You use most of it trying to get a wife.
Then you're pretty much tapped out by 45.
I think of myself as a friendly guy.
I like to bowl, shoot pool, play softball.
When was the last time you did any of that? Uh, well, okay, uh Oh, I know.
It was Uh, no, that was a movie.
All right, well, it's not all my fault.
I mean, we don't even have a softball team anymore.
Sure we do.
But I quit.
I was the heart of the team.
Well, we had a heart transplant.
I play second base.
I'm learning how to spit in front of other people.
There was a time you would have known about Lowell's struggle with spitting.
Well I mean, maybe Andi's right.
Maybe I have gotten a little cranky.
She is right.
I can tell you she's right.
And not just with the neighbors.
I mean, I think the problem is me.
It is.
I can tell you it is.
You know what? I'm gonna turn this thing around.
Starting right now, I'm, uh I'm rejoining the softball team.
Whoa! You can't just rejoin.
You have to try out.
I'm not trying out for my own company's team.
I like your moxie.
Welcome aboard.
Well, you were right.
Turns out I'm the town crank.
Oh, honey.
You know, the first step to getting better is admitting you have a problem.
And that I'm right.
That's my favorite part.
Okay, well, I am ready to be friendly, okay? So let's try and fix things with those idiot neighbors.
I know.
We'll have a potluck for the whole street.
Yeah, I-I can make fliers and-and put 'em in everybody's mailbox, and I'm getting a fruit bouquet.
No, no.
A pineapple swan.
Whatever it takes.
I-I don't want to end up like Dirt Yard Bob.
Although I would love to play the piano.
Hey, um, since you're in the mood for change, um, do you want to talk about your flannel shirts? [CLEARS THROAT.]
What's wrong with my flannels? That's my look.
People love it.
And I love it.
- I mean, they're practical.
- Uh-huh.
'Cause you never know when you might be on a river spinning a log under your feet.
And when that happens, I will be ready.
Hey, hey, hey, uh, uh, uh, hands off.
Those are the name-brand snacks we save for strangers.
If you're hungry, go to the pantry and get yourself some Ding-Dangs or a Twonkie.
Okay, kids, and stay away from the door, all right? 'Cause it's about to fly open, and I don't want you to get trampled by a mob of neighbors who can't wait to see us.
- - Where's the mob of neighbors? I haven't seen a car drive by all day.
Even the birds are gone.
Did the rapture happen? Wasn't this party supposed to start a half an hour ago? Oh, the guy who takes 45-minute showers can suddenly tell time.
Oh, all right, there's Dirt Yard Bob.
I'll go see if he knows anything.
Yo, Dirt Yard Hey, Bob! So, where are we on snacks? I'd like to eat some of that guacamole before it goes bad.
: Like this party.
Am I right, guys? [LAUGHS.]
Yeah, that's funny.
I'm gonna remember that when you're 16, and you want a car.
Hey, come on, we've had our fun.
Let's go.
Let's go clean our rooms because we have the best parents ever.
I like it.
I don't believe it, but I like it.
Dirt Yard says that the new neighbors took everyone to the Steelers Stadium.
The husband works there, and he's giving a tour of the locker room.
- So they stole our party guests? - [SCOFFS.]
- We can't compete with the Steelers.
- Ugh.
Our party doesn't even have a theme.
Uh, guacamole and pizza bites? Who are we? What's our message? Let's think about this.
Okay, well, we already ticked off the old neighbors.
Oh, you don't know the half of it.
But the new neighbors don't know us well enough not to like us, right? So we make nice with them, and then, we can worm our way back into the community from there.
Yeah, we can do that.
We've wormed our way into plenty of stuff.
Yeah, so when the new neighbors get home, we'll go over there, and we'll make nice.
Good plan.
Okay, now, is there any way I could dress you for this? Hey, we agreed a long time ago.
You're not allowed to dress me.
What if I promise to undress you first? Oh, that's a dirty trick.
All right, I'll meet you upstairs.
Bring the guacamole.
I hate this shirt.
I think you look handsome.
I look like you dressed me at babyGap.
Okay, now, remember, we have to be friendly.
All right? Especially to the wife.
- Don't worry.
Wives love me.
We'll be pals inside of 20 minutes.
This might take longer than 20 minutes.
Step away from my welcome mat.
It does not apply to you.
So, I guess the new neighbors do know us well enough not to like us.
You know that really nice county inspector I was telling you about? Well, Joy here replaced him.
I guess in your private life you dress like Blue's Clues.
And now we're neighbors.
"Neighbors"? I paid $400 for a home inspector.
He said we were pest-free.
Inspectors, huh? They're the worst.
I am closing my door now.
Now, she is unfriendly.
She was the one person we had to make friends with, and you've already ticked her off.
Hey, we're not out of this.
She got a husband, right? Some poor guy was tricked into marrying her.
Husbands love me.
Five minutes ago, wives loved you.
I'm telling you, I'm great with guys.
If you let me put my flannel on, I can save this.
I'm all Clark Kent now.
Let me be Superman.
No, no.
Not Superman.
You're gonna want me to call you that now, aren't you? I don't need you to.
Flannel-Man knows who he is.
Hey, honey.
How's it going? Hey.
I invited Joy's husband over for a beer.
I left a note on his truck.
Isn't that kind of stalkery? No, no.
That's how flannel guys text.
And his name's Rudy.
I found that outwhen I went through his mail.
- Oh! That's him.
Save the day, Flannel-Man.
: Nice shirt, huh? Look at that.
- Huh? - Yeah.
Just so you know, I'm very sorry for what's about to happen.
Oh, why? What-What's about to happen? Listen up, man! My wife is watching from across the street! She wanted me to come over here and yell at you! She really likes it when I do this! So I need to have a fake fight with you right now, or I'm gonna have a real one when I get home! Okay, I-I was just hoping we could talk this out man-to-man.
What you need to understand is I can't help you 'cause I can't help myself! Maybe when all of this blows over, we can get that beer! Are you sure you want to be friends with them? I bet there's somebody out there looking for them with a big butterfly net.
Honey, I want to be part of the community.
I want to know our neighbors.
It's nice.
Look, I want you to have all that, but I don't know what else to do.
You know what? [SIGHS.]
Honey, you tried, okay? And that's what's important.
And that's why I love you.
Well, that makes me want to try even more.
Would it help if I undressed you again? Come on.
Joy's out there checking the slab.
And yelling at Big Ernie.
Boy, she's a real multitasker.
Okay, great.
When she comes in here, remember our plan.
What was it again? Lowell forgot.
You two pick a fight with Joy, and I'll defend her by yelling at you.
According to her husband, she loves that, so she'll love me, and our problems will be solved.
But then she'll be mad at us.
Yeah, but that's your problem.
Okay? You guys can come up with your own plan to fix that.
Ooh, here she comes.
Places, everybody.
- [SIGHS.]
- Joy! [CHUCKLES.]
What a surprise.
Burns, I got your message, and I've rechecked the concrete.
I'm a professional.
I put my personal feelings aside.
So, you'll be thrilled to know it's still not ready.
No! I will not watch this she-devil tear down everything we worked so hard to build.
Me, neither, Don.
You're a mean, mean lady.
All right, that's enough.
I'm not gonna let you two talk to Joy like that.
Okay, we need more people like her who follow the rules and try to do the right thing.
- Mr.
Burns - [GRUNTS.]
And I'll tell you something else.
As a woman, she has to work twice as hard to get half as far.
All while maintaining perfect hair.
It really is fantastic.
I was wrong before.
Joy is her name because that's who she is and that's what she spreads.
Did you really think I was gonna fall for your little show? I mean, the big one was good, but the little one was shaky.
- I didn't connect with the material.
- Okay.
You know what? It was a Hail Mary.
I'm desperate here.
Okay, my wife really wants to be friends with you, and I really need you to sign off on that slab, and none of that is happening because you don't like me.
- [SIGHS.]
- Okay, so, I need to get on your good side.
What do I do? Tell you what.
You pick one.
I'll sign off on the slab, or I'll be friends with your wife.
Pick the slab.
Pick the slab.
You know what? If I have to choose, I'm gonna go with Andi.
I respect that.
Maybe I misjudged you.
And you picked the right one, because I am not signing off on that wet slab.
You're a mean, mean lady.
Lowell, Lowell.
Hey, hey.
It's over.
I can't turn it off.
Great news, babe.
I picked up something for dinner: our new neighbors.
Aw, Flannel-Man.
I'm Andi.
And together, we are going to dominate this cul-de-sac.
I like you already.
So, Janet had a thing with Dirt Yard Bob? Yeah.
He had grass back then.
He seduced her with his piano.
I'm sorry my husband came down on you so hard.
Yeah, but you watch your step, or we'll go outside and settle this like men.
Hey, uh, honey, you know what I was thinking? Huh? We should host a potluck with these guys.
You know, have all the neighbors over here.
That's a great idea.
I already have a pineapple swan.
Well, the kids ate the neck, so now it's more of a pineapple duck.
Sorry, we're not speaking to any of the neighbors.
They're all a bunch of mooches.
You know what, Joy? You're right.
They are mooches.
What? When I said that, you said I was unfriendly.
Well, yes, but now I'm hearing it from the community.
See? [LAUGHS.]
Okay, we should get home.
Rudy and I have tai chi in the morning.
Yeah, that's what keeps her so mellow.
You know, we should do this again.
You'll find I'm a lot looser once I take off my inspector's badge.
Hey, you know, speaking of inspections, what do you say we celebrate everyone getting along by signing off on that slab, huh? Well, I guess since we're friends now, I'll sign off on it when I'm good and ready.
But What happened? You heard the lady! She said when she's good and ready! [WHISPERING.]
: I can't help you.
Look at us.
We got new friends for me.
And they hate everybody else for me.
All right.
Since you're joining the softball team, - here's your jersey.
- Oh.
You named our softball team the Master Batters? Yes, I did.
I'm not wearing that.
Well, what's wrong? It's not tough enough? How about the Furious Master Batters? Adding words isn't gonna help.
I don't see a problem.
Look, we're called that because we're so good at getting hits.
I want everyone to know I'm a master batter.
Okay, Lowell, say it in your head, and remember Don is the one who came up with it.
Don! I wore this to church.