Man with a Plan (2016) s02e07 Episode Script

We Can Be Heroes

What happened to donuts? This thing is mostly hole.
I think they're making the middle bigger.
I bought a dozen donuts and a dozen donut holes.
They don't match up.
Somebody's getting rich.
Hey, there they are.
(LAUGHS) How'd the, uh, doctors appointments go? Turns out Teddy needs glasses, like, a lot.
The doctor was pretty judgmental.
I got, like, six lollipops.
I got nothing because I'm perfect.
Well, don't worry about it, buddy.
We'll get it handled.
Go get a snack.
He needs glasses.
That explains so much.
Also, Katie needs braces.
Ugh, I'm gonna look so dorky.
Can I please get the plastic invisible ones? I don't see why not.
They're $6,000.
I see exactly why not.
Well, I'll have metal mouth.
Guess you can use my face to open your beers.
That's the spirit.
- Braces and glasses.
- Yeah.
- You're gonna need some quick cash.
- Yeah.
Well, I've got an idea.
How would you feel about taking a tumble down the escalator at the mall? I know a guy.
He can push you.
You don't even need the courage.
We'll be fine.
We have insurance.
But you came up with that escalator thing pretty quick.
Next time we go to the mall, you're walking in front.
Look at this.
Our insurance only gives us $30 for Teddy's glasses.
Where are we supposed to buy them? The spinny thing at the drugstore? Well, the drugstore has good stuff.
That's where I get my sexy sweatpants you like.
And check this out.
The deductible for Katie's braces is more than the cost of the actual braces.
Well, they do cover leg braces.
Might as well get her those if they're giving them away.
Ugh, we can't afford all this.
- Ugh.
- Well, the orthodontist has financing.
He gave me a brochure, but I dropped it when Teddy walked into the fish tank.
He really can't see.
We should be ashamed of ourselves.
The Burns men don't do financing.
You end up paying triple.
Be cheaper to just send Katie to England to live with the rest of the snaggle-toothers.
Well, we have to find the money somewhere.
Maybe we should go to the mall and talk about it.
I'm not falling down an escalator, Andi.
Why not? You fall off stuff all the time.
Let's start making some money.
Hey, pretty lady.
I'm wearing my drugstore sweats.
Let's get crazy.
You know what's crazy is how tight our budget already is.
So fooling around is out? Okay, let's talk money.
What's in our rainy day fund? $175.
Which one of Kate's teeth would you like to straighten with that? I thought we agreed to keep that tone out of the bedroom.
Okay, well, I printed out our budget.
And, uh, this page is our necessities.
You know, mortgage, groceries, stuff like that.
And this page is our extras.
And, um, your cable sports packages seem to be our biggest extra.
Hold on.
No sex, no sports? I'm sorry I even came in here.
I'm not giving up my sports packages.
Adam, you bought, like, eight of them.
I mean, you shouldn't have more sports channels than children.
Then let's have more children.
Forget I said that.
Look, Andi, these sports packages are the only thing I have left that makes me happy.
Well, besides you and the kids.
Blah, blah, blah.
Look, I know you love them, but I-I-I think they have to go.
The kids? Okay.
But wait a minute, hold on.
What about your extras? Maybe we can get rid of one of those.
No, I don't have any extras.
I already gave them all up for the family.
Then I guess there's no coming back from that.
Fine, okay.
I'll cancel my sports packages.
I know it hurts, honey, but you're doing the right thing.
If it helps, you're kind of being a hero.
A hero, huh? That does help.
As in I'd like to dedicate this Nobel Prize to my father, Adam Burns, the real hero.
Whatever gets you there, babe.
Ugh, the only thing is I don't know how I'm gonna tell the guys.
They love coming over here to watch the games.
Our house is where Pittsburgh comes to play.
I know, honey, but I guess from now on, Pittsburgh's just gonna have to play with itself.
I know how Pittsburgh feels.
(SPORTSCAST PLAYING, MEN GROANING) Okay, I know this is your last sports package game, but on the upside, I made mini pizzas.
I'm torn.
I'm mad at you for taking away our sports, but I'm impressed by these tiny pepperonis.
What did you use, a hole punch? I just nibbled them down to size.
Man, this stinks.
If I'm not here watching the game, I have to go home.
That's where my wife lives.
This is our time and Andi took it.
I fought hard to get in here.
I'm not gonna lose it just because you took a vow with some hussy you met in a bar.
Look, I know it's tough, but some situations call for a hero, a man who's willing to step up and do what's right for his family.
Well, can you find that guy and ask him to bring me a regular size pizza? Okay, Dad, you and Mom were always on a budget.
How did you pay for stuff when Don and I were growing up? Well, we just chose the kid with the most potential and spent our resources on him.
In our case, that was Donny.
Thanks, Pop.
You chose him? Well, he seemed like the better bet.
He was bigger and he talked more.
You just sat there chewing on your fist like an apple.
I was a baby.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Is that why I always got cheese sandwiches and he got bologna? Exactly.
And it worked.
Look how tall he is, like a redwood.
I am majestic.
Thanks again, Pop.
I could never do that with my kids.
Andi wouldn't let me.
Listen, if you want your sports back, you better cut something else from this budget.
Where did you get that? I took the long way to the bathroom.
Folder said "private.
" Got me interested.
Who's Josephine? Give me that.
Who is Josephine? - She costs a fortune.
- No, no, no, no.
You don't need to look at that.
You don't Just enjoy your pizzas.
I ate two pounds of pepperoni for those.
Tell me who Josephine is.
She's my hairdresser.
Josephine makes my hair all, you know, silky and, you know, all this one color.
I could do that for free.
Strip it, prime it, paint it.
I've done it a million times.
Wait, why did you put your hair salon under necessities? So you wouldn't see it.
See, I showed you the extras and then I held back the necessities.
It was all very well thought-out.
So you're just shuffling cash around? That's money laundering.
- You rigged this whole thing.
- Rigged! You know, there's no cheaper way to see my game.
None! But you could easily find a bargain hair place.
Do it! All right, Lowell, I can handle this.
Then handle it, man.
What's with him? I don't know.
He had a wine spritzer.
Look, honey, Josephine is a necessity.
All right? It's not just a haircut.
She rubs my shoulders.
She listens to me vent.
You know that-that time with her, it keeps me going.
It's my last happy thing.
It besides you and the kids and blah, blah, blah.
Well, that's how I feel about my sports.
It's a few hours a week where I don't have to worry about all the stuff I have to worry about.
For example, you keeping two sets of books like the mob.
Well, I don't want to give up my one last thing.
Well, I don't want to give up mine, either.
Well, look, one if us gonna have to bite the bullet.
You're right.
I think I know a way we can settle this like adults.
Then settle it.
All right.
You're gonna have to go take a walk or something.
Okay, what's your plan? How are we gonna settle this like adults? Rock, paper, scissors.
- Ready? - Yeah.
- BOTH: One, two - Wait, wait, wait.
I want this to be fair.
So, I have to tell you, I know you're gonna do rock.
You always do rock.
Well, that's because I disagree that anything could beat rock.
Paper beats rock.
Okay, you throw a piece of paper at me, I'll throw a rock at you, let's see who's happier.
Okay, forget I said anything.
Ready? - BOTH: One, two - Wait, wait, wait.
Okay, now that you know I'm gonna throw rock, I'm gonna change it.
So you're still going with rock? Well, that was the plan, but I'm really gonna change it.
Okay, here we go.
Winner keeps their favorite thing.
Loser gives it up.
BOTH: One, two, three, shoot.
That's what I'm talking about.
Paper crushes rock.
- I double outsmarted you.
Right? - (CHUCKLES) I know.
I had a good 15-year winning streak there, but you got me, so I will cancel my hair place.
Are you gonna be generous and classy about this? Yeah.
Well, it's no fun to beat someone who's generous and classy.
Aw, all right, all right, look.
How about this? How about if we both give up our favorite thing? Really? Hey, the only way we can both be happy is if we're both unhappy.
Right? That's what marriage is.
Got to say, I'm impressed.
- Yeah? - Hmm.
Well, you should be.
I mean, most people, they have to read about what a hero does.
But you, you're getting to see it firsthand.
You're you're a lucky lady.
What are you watching? Well, all the sports are gone so I'm watching The Weather Channel.
San Diego's beating Buffalo by 60 degrees.
Hey, buddy.
Now that you got your new glasses, let me try something.
I knew you could do that! I'm good at stuff! Well, hopefully he can hit the toilet now.
Hey, honey.
What's wrong? I went to Jiffy Cuts.
Huh? And this happened.
Oh, boy.
My new hairdresser, whose name is Cricket, was texting her boyfriend, whose name is Sledge.
This country is doomed.
She was distracted, so instead of using brown dye, she used bleach.
Oh, but (CHUCKLES) the good news is that while she was shampooing my hair, her nose ring fell into my mouth.
Sounds like you had a jam-packed morning.
But didn't it feel good to save money? Huh? Come on.
It's for the kids.
Oh, you're right.
You're right.
This is, this is all so Katie can have straight teeth.
Yeah, and Teddy, with his new glasses, I threw him the ball and he caught it.
And not with his face.
We're doing great things here.
Yes, we are.
- It's all worth it.
- Yeah.
And we can save even more money on Halloween.
Huh? Do you need to buy a costume? No, you're already wearing it on your head.
What's going on? - We're having an intervention.
- Wha? You let Andi take away our sports.
You never handled it, man.
- (CLICKS TONGUE) - I blame myself.
Maybe if you'd had a little bologna as a kid, you could stand up to your wife.
Okay, look, this is hard on me, too.
That was my thing, my very last thing, but I told Andi I'd give it up.
But she played dirty.
She didn't even tell you about her hair lady.
That's true.
And who won rock, paper, scissors? I did.
I double outsmarted her.
Did you? But now I'm stuck watching cooking shows with Marcy.
I'm real sad, brother.
You hear that? Do something, boy.
You just made a mighty redwood cry.
Teddy, where are your glasses? I lost them.
Already? I'm not used to having them.
When I go somewhere, everything else on my face just comes with me.
Okay, well, go look for 'em.
Your dad's in the garage.
I'll go get him to help.
Okay, Kate, your last meal before braces, just like you ordered.
Popcorn, salt water taffy and beef jerky.
You know, those three things are gonna meet in your stomach and they are not gonna be friends.
(SCOFFS) I don't even want braces.
How about this: just give me the money and I'll push my teeth together with my fingers.
Huh? See.
Honey, I know it stinks, all right? But if it helps, it-it stinks for all of us.
I mean, your dad gave up his sports and I look like I'm trying to murder 101 Dalmatians.
Oh! I hope Andi doesn't find out you bought the sports package on the Internet! It would help if you didn't scream it at the top of your lungs.
My bad! Oh, Crosby stole the puck.
Come on.
Go, go.
(ALL CHEERING, WHOOPING) - Yeah! - (LAUGHS) Hey! Look who's here.
What's going on? Uh, okay, it's not what you think.
We were, um, watching an adult movie.
- Really? - Mm.
'Cause there was a lot of high-fiving.
It was very inspirational.
Okay, look, I canceled all the cable sports like I promised, but due to the miracle of technology, I found all the games on the Internet.
For free? Free of you knowing about it.
So you were just gonna hide the expense in the Internet bill? Well Whose idea was this? It was mine and I'm not sorry.
You might be the wife, but I'm the hockey buddy; I have a voice here.
Really, Lowell? You really want to go up against the wife? To be honest, I'm losing steam.
How was this even supposed to work? I was ten feet away.
Well, we had a plan.
My dad was supposed to be a lookout.
Oh, yeah.
Your wife's coming.
I can't believe you bought the sports packages again.
Okay, I admit, it looks bad, but you know what? I won rock, paper, scissors fair and square.
Okay, that's school yard rules, no backsies.
That's your argument? Well, originally it was Don's argument, which explains why it isn't working.
Actually, it's true.
It is? I mean, it is.
Look, I'll tell you what.
I already gave up Josephine, you have your sports back.
Everything works out.
Plus, four more punches on my Jiffy Cuts card and I get a free beer koozie.
So I do something sneaky and you just give up? No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
The hairs on the back of my neck are standing up.
What's the catch? There's no catch.
I'm happy to do it.
You know, and years from now, when the kids are accepting some award, they'll probably thank me for being such a hero or, I don't know, something like that.
Wait, wait, wait, what'd you say? - I said I'm happy to do it.
- No, after that.
You said you'd be the hero? - Well, that goes without saying.
- Then why'd you say it? - Because I'd be the hero.
- But I like being the hero.
Well, you can't be the hero if you don't make the sacrifice.
Then I'm giving up my sports.
Too late.
I already gave up my hair.
Over my dead body.
I'm giving up my sports and that's final.
I'll call Josephine and make an appointment.
You're damn right you will.
Okay, it's settled.
Oh, Andi! That was low.
At least I didn't play mind games with you.
I had the decency to straight-up lie.
That's what a real hero does! Come on, Adam, it's my hair.
My hair.
Yesterday, at the park, a skunk tried to hump my leg.
Well, of course he did.
You're sexy.
Oh, and at work, they made a new name tag for me.
It says Cruella de Burns.
You have to go through three departments to get a name tag.
A vice president had to sign off on it.
All right, okay, you know what? I'm gonna figure out a way we can both get what we want.
- What are you gonna do? - I don't know, but I love you.
I'm not gonna let people make fun of you.
Only I get to do that.
That is my right as your husband! That's right.
That is good stuff.
I just got us enough money to pay for the braces, the glasses, your hair, everything.
Oh, my God, did you do the escalator thing? No, no.
I sold the motorcycle.
What? It's not even finished.
Well, Don and I stayed up all night working on it.
Check it out.
Holy crap! You got this much for that old bike? I may have told the guy it used to belong to Steve McQueen.
(LAUGHS) You are the sweetest hero ever.
Oh, I can't wait to call Josephine and get my hair fixed.
Oh, I'm gonna call the cable company - and get the fun machine turned back on.
- Yeah.
Mom, look at my face.
Oh, no, what happened? The school nurse says I'm having an allergic reaction to the nickel in my braces.
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.
At least you don't have Mom's hair, huh? (CHUCKLES) And that's it for those.
Honey, go upstairs and wash your face.
I'll be right up to put some medicine on it.
Okay, thanks.
I guess this means I'm getting the invisible ones.
(LAUGHS) (GROANS) How much are the plastic braces again? 3,000 more.
Oh, you got to be kidding me.
(CRUNCHING) What was that? I think you just found Teddy's glasses.
Aah! (CLICKS TONGUE) Well, there goes your sports.
And your hair.
But we still got each other.
BOTH: Blah, blah, blah.
- This is nice.
- Yeah, look at us, huh? Even on a budget, we could still have fun.
I got my hockey on the radio.
You're getting your hair fixed.
I'm not sure you should be doing it by candlelight, but (SCOFFS) I'm half schnockered, so whatevs.
You got nothing to worry about, babe.
Just like painting a fence.
(RADIO ANNOUNCER TALKING EXCITEDLY) He's coming around to the left circle.
He shoots, he scores.
Woo-hoo! Oh What happened? Uh, we just took the lead.
To my hair, Adam.
Uh, nothing.
But, uh, what didn't happen on this side needs to also not happen on this side.