Man with a Plan (2016) s02e08 Episode Script

Come on, guys, we're gonna be late for school.
We don't have school.
No, no, no, I'm not falling for that again.
No, it's for real.
It's Teacher Reading Day.
They sent home a note.
What note? I didn't see any note.
Teddy, did you start eating paper again? Well, I found the note.
And the upstairs remote.
Teddy! We both have to work.
What are we gonna do? Katie can babysit.
Yes! I knew there was a reason we had three.
Yeah.
Sorry, no day off for high school.
You know, I can't wait to go to college and skip class all the time.
(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES) She's gonna be trouble.
You know, the teachers are there.
What if we just drop these two at school and act like we didn't know? The trick is to drive away fast.
I have an idea.
You guys are going to work with Daddy today! Yay! No, no yay.
No, I can't take them.
I have to work.
Well, I have to work, too.
(SIGHS) So what are we gonna do? Guess we're just gonna have to sit down and talk it out.
Aw, I always lose when we do that! Oh, how about this? A race to the door, okay? Last one out stays home, all right? On three.
Okay, come on.
One, two Thought I could hurdle that coffee table, I really did.
Okay, why can't you take the kids today? I have a meeting with the mini-mall developer.
And she's already bent out of shape because there's a trucker's strike and construction is delayed.
Okay, well, no rational person can blame you for that.
(CHUCKLES) She's not rational.
She fired her own mother.
Well, I can't take them either.
My boss is out for the morning, and he just made me his number two.
(LAUGHS) Hey, you know, a promotion like that deserves a reward.
Congratulations, honey, you just won a day at home with our beautiful children.
Oh.
So I have to stay home because I'm a woman? (CHUCKLES): Okay.
Didn't know you'd play that card this early.
Hey, if I'm holding an ace, you're gonna see it.
There's no good solution to this.
I don't understand why kids can't stay home alone.
Remember that movie, Home Alone? Huh? That was a big hit.
You know, when I was Teddy's age, my parents would just leave Don and I with a sign around our necks that said, "If found, please return to 247 Maple Street.
" Is that true? Just let me tell my story.
All this babying is not good for the kids.
You know, we we cut up their bananas.
Bananas, Andi! A monkey knows how to work a banana.
If we keep this up, when the kids get out in the real world, they are never gonna survive.
Okay, okay.
You know what? This weekend, we will drive the kids out to the woods, give them a banana and see who makes it home.
Huh? But for now, take them to work.
I knew I'd lose if we talked it out.
Fine, I'll take them.
But we are definitely doing that banana Hunger Games thing.
I'll tell you what, when my boss gets back this afternoon, I'll-I'll fake a lady problem and I'll come take Teddy and Emme from you.
Yes.
Men don't ask questions about lady problems 'cause we don't want the answers.
Teddy, Teddy, don't-don't touch that.
Don't touch that, okay? All right.
Emme, Emme, Emme, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Honey, that's-that's my boss's chair, okay? Come on, come on, come on, come on.
Teddy, Teddy, Teddy.
Give me that.
Give me that.
Stop playing No.
Will you stop it? Stop.
Stop it.
Stop it! Lisa! Oh, look, you brought your children to my workplace.
I'd just like to point out that I didn't bring any kids.
Good, Don.
Very good.
Now, why don't you and the little ones celebrate your victory by going out into the hall.
That's a good idea.
Why don't you guys wait for Daddy outside.
Okay.
Really? Are you sure you want me to Yep, uh-huh.
Now you're doing it.
Okay.
Uh, sorry about that.
There was a scheduling thing with school, and my wife is very liberated.
Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup-bup.
It's best if I don't know too much about your personal life.
It'll make it easier if/when things go south with the mini-mall, and I have to, you know (MAKES CUTTING NOISE) Kill me? No, fire you.
Oh.
Although my therapist would tell me to be more sympathetic.
Your therapist sounds very smart.
- I fired her.
- Serves that idiot right.
Uh, we have to make this a quick meeting.
The Developers Association is honoring me with an Innovator Award, and I'm a little frightened of public speaking.
Oh.
I'm much more likeable one-on-one.
Sure.
Yeah.
I say that because I don't want you to (MAKES CUTTING NOISE) What is that? I was just doing what you did.
You don't do that.
I do that.
Okay.
Let's talk about why you're here.
I am not happy about the delays on the mini-mall.
Lisa, this truckers' strike is causing problems.
If it helps, I have 20 other contractors that can replace you guys by tomorrow.
I wouldn't call it super helpful.
Look, we will bring this thing in on time, okay? The Burns brothers are as professional as it gets.
Hey, random question.
Was that vase out here expensive? The kids broke the vase? Right.
Yeah, the kids.
But don't ask them about it; they'll just lie.
Whoa, what's going on here? I have bugs on my head.
Welcome home, honey.
The kids have lice.
Would you stop telling everybody about that? He's your dad.
You've pooped in his hand.
Stop telling everybody about that! How can we have lice again? I thought you could only get that once.
No, that's mono.
And somehow I've taken that around the block a few times.
Lowell was kind enough to come and treat everybody.
Actually, I told Andi it's easy and she could do it, and she said, "Oh, I have to do it because I'm a woman?" And I came right over.
Wow, you are milking that like a dairy cow.
It's no big deal.
I had the supplies because I just treated my kids.
Apparently, the whole school has it.
Well, why wouldn't they tell us that? Wait a minute.
Here it is.
Teddy! Hey, don't shoot the messenger.
You're not the messenger.
You never deliver the message! Okay, guys, you're done.
Go upstairs and rinse the little dead bodies out of your hair.
Ugh.
Just talking about these bugs makes me itchy.
Actually, um, you guys should get checked.
Oh, and we have to tell your dad, too.
He took the kids to that ball pit place yesterday.
You should let them know, too.
Hey, if you go to a ball pit and all you catch is lice, you dodged a bullet.
The kids' feet don't reach the bottom, but mine did.
It's wet down there.
Okay, Don's clean.
Yeah, they couldn't make it up to the penthouse.
But Adam's got some friends on top.
(GROANS): Oh.
I can't believe this.
Honey, it's okay.
It just means you're a loving, affectionate dad.
And Don's a cold, distant uncle.
You're gonna have to notify everybody you were with today.
Well, we weren't with anyone except each other.
Oh! Adam, are-are you okay? The kids were all over Lisa's office.
They probably gave her lice! If we left them home with signs around their necks, this never would've happened.
I-I'm sure she'll understand.
I mean, she's probably got kids.
The only way she has kids is if she lured them into her candy house to eat them for dinner.
Listen, we got to get out in front of this lice thing with Lisa.
Okay, we gave up all of our other work for this job.
We got expenses, we hired Lowell.
You guys better fix this.
I can't go back to being a house-husband.
My father-in-law just stopped calling me Nancy.
Wow, Nancy's worried.
Okay, all right, uh Oh, how about this? Lisa's got that awards banquet tonight.
Let's just go down there and check her out.
No, no.
I'm mad at her.
She put me out in the hall with the kids.
No, no, Don.
We'll just hang back and see if she's scratching.
If she's not, then we're just a couple of business partners there to support her.
That's nice of us.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And if she does have lice, we'll come clean.
Hopefully, she'll appreciate our honesty and not send us packing.
Wait, wait, you're betting our jobs on her humanity? Yep.
And it's a high-risk move 'cause I'm not convinced she's human.
I'm pretty sure I saw a zipper on the back of her head.
I better have all my hair when you wash this stuff out.
My inventory's running low already.
All right, we're heading down to Lisa's awards banquet.
No big deal, just trying to save our jobs.
Oh, I'm sure you'll do great.
Don, let Adam do all the talking.
Right.
I'll just be eye candy.
Joe, I'm really sorry the kids turned your head into a bug motel.
You know, Bev's probably got them, too, and she's on a river cruise with her gal pals.
A boat full of itchy women scratching together.
Huh.
That-that makes me chuckle.
(CHUCKLES) Okay, let's check you out.
Okay, well, get ready, 'cause last time the kids gave them to me, it was like the million lice march on my head.
I guess that's just the curse of being an affectionate mother.
Nope.
You're clean as a whistle.
Huh? No, no, no, that-that can't be right, Lowell.
Ch-Check it again.
I checked.
You're good.
(CHUCKLES): Okay.
Listen to me very carefully, all right? I'm their mother.
Right? Every time they get the flu, I get the flu.
When they had strep throat, I had strep throat.
And the last time they got these bugs, I got hit the worst because I am a warm and loving mother! Okay, don't beat yourself up.
You can't compare then to now.
I mean, these days, you're busy working.
What what are you implying, Lowell? Don't engage.
No, I'm not implying anything.
I'm just pointing out a factual difference.
Stand down, boy.
I think you're saying that I don't have lice because I'm not around enough.
No, no, I did not mean that at all.
What do I do? Play dead and hope she moves on.
Okay, look, there could be lots of reasons for this.
Like here it says lice are only attracted to clean hair.
So I'm either an absent mom or a dirty one.
Maybe you're both.
Who says you can't have it all? Wow, look at this spread.
They got the giant shrimp and tiny pickles.
The whole world's upside down.
Will you stay focused? We have a job to do.
Ooh, they got the olives with a red thing in the middle.
How they do that? Go to a grocery store, man.
That's just regular stuff.
All right, now use your freakish height to find Lisa.
There she is.
Ladies and gentlemen, our Innovator Award winner, Lisa McCaffrey.
Uh-oh.
She's scratching her head.
Hold on, hold on.
Maybe she's just coming up with an idea.
This is such an honor.
(CHUCKLES) Must be a real brainstorm.
Okay.
(CHUCKLES) (GRUNTS) (SIGHS) (CLEARS THROAT) Oh, my God.
We just turned our boss into the Bride of Frankenstein.
(CLEARS THROAT) Now, where was I? Don, we're screwed.
We gave our boss lice, and she just humiliated herself.
She sees us.
Just look away.
I can't; her hair's too funny.
What are we gonna do? I thought we had to tell her.
No, no, no, it's too big.
Remember when we were kids, we shot that bottle rocket into the woods and all the trees caught on fire? We didn't tell anyone, we just got the hell out of there.
Everything's on fire, Don! Let's get the hell out of here! You're right, let's go.
What kind of frickin' lice don't get on the mother's head? (POTS CRASHING) (CUPBOARD SLAMMING) She's upset.
One of us is gonna have to go in there.
You go.
You're related to her.
Not by blood, so let's just take that off the table.
You know what this is? This-this is society trying to keep the working moms down! I'm out.
What? Don't leave me.
Hey, you pulled the pin on the grenade; you jump on it.
Feel better, honey! (POTS CRASHING) So you know what I was thinking? I bet that you don't have lice because they just flew off your head while you were running around being a great mom.
Nice try, Lowell, but I think we both know why I don't have the bugs.
There could be other reasons.
Like, did you put your head too close to the microwave? Were you underwater for 45 minutes? Have you been in space? Are you having fun, Lowell? No.
And not that I'm ready to go, but have you seen my car keys? Wait.
Is this your hair spray? No, I stole it.
Among my many flaws, I'm also a kleptomaniac.
I guess once you light the fuse, all the bombs go off.
I'm just saying, your hair spray has tea tree oil in it.
- That repels lice.
- It does? Look, it's on the sheet from school.
So it's not my fault? I am a good mother.
Great mother.
Little bit of an aggressive host.
Okay, I'm gonna get out of here while you're smiling.
Thanks so much, Lowell.
Anytime.
But never again.
Hey, Lowell.
There's my handsome man.
How'd it go? I don't want to tell you because you look like you're in a good mood.
She is now.
Thanks for meeting me at the exit of the roller coaster.
ADAM: Wait a minute.
You thought you were a bad mom because you didn't have lice? Yeah, I felt terrible.
So I did the healthy thing and I took it out on Lowell.
Well, I don't hate that someone else took that shrapnel.
(CHUCKLES) I mean, I actually thought about quitting my job.
I can't believe you were beating yourself up like that.
And there's no way you're quitting.
After Lisa's speech tonight, you might be the only one of us working.
Was it really that bad? Yeah, yeah.
She's got a bundle of lice, and she's gonna realize it was because of us.
We have until Monday to figure our way out of this.
(KNOCK ON DOOR) Who is it? LISA: It's Lisa McCaffrey! Don, she's at my house.
She knows! Turn off the lights.
(PANTING) Oh! Andi, you talk to her.
Oh, I have to talk to her because I'm a woman? Yes! I'm playing the card now.
The card works both ways.
LISA: Hello? I know you're in there.
You know what? This seems like man's work.
Yeah, I'm reverse playing the card.
Lisa.
Hey, what's up? So, my speech didn't go very well tonight, and we need to talk about it.
Uh, look, I just want to say I'm sorry I had an anxiety attack.
Or you go.
I called my therapist, Dr.
Klein, and she explained that the itching was a physical manifestation of my fear of public speaking.
- That sounds about right.
- She nailed it.
I just came by because we work together, and I felt I owed you an explanation.
Well, just don't let it happen again.
Bottom line: what happened on that stage tonight was my fault.
It was my failure, and I have to figure out a way to deal with that.
(CLICKS TONGUE) No.
Don't you do it.
Don't you do the right thing.
Lisa! Lisa! Wait, wait.
Oh, he's doing it.
Yeah, c-come on in.
Um What happened tonight The problem's not in your head, it's on your head.
What are you saying? Well, you see Don's niece and nephew gave you lice.
You let me make a fool out of myself in front of my entire industry.
I should fire you right now.
Hey, you know what? My wife has a job, okay? So sometimes I have to bring my kids to work, and almost every time, they have something you can catch.
And I'm not gonna apologize for that.
I will.
I'm sorry for both of us.
No, no, no.
I'm tired of everyone feeling bad.
My wife felt bad because she thought she was a bad mom.
I felt bad because I thought I was a bad employee.
We're all doing the best we can, and if that's not good enough for you, then you know what, go ahead, fire us, go ahead.
Well, you really took the wind out of my sails.
If you don't mind getting fired, it's not fun for me.
I'd like to be fired, too, then.
Look, if it means anything, we never meant for it to happen.
Well, I guess the lice is a bit of a relief.
I can fix that with shampoo.
I thought I was gonna have to improve myself.
Good luck, am I right? (ADAM AND DON CHUCKLE) Okay, uh, are we still working for you? Sure.
For now.
Meanwhile, I'm gonna call my therapist, Dr.
Klein, and fire her.
And then I'm gonna swing by my ex-husband's house and give his new girlfriend a big licey hug.
That sounds fun.
Maybe don't lose Dr.
Klein's number.
(CHUCKLES) That was good stuff.
I was worried, but you landed that plane.
ANDI: Hey, honey.
I heard everything.
I'm so proud of you.
You've earned these.
- Oh.
- Oh.
I meant what I said.
If I have to take my kids to work every day, then I am happy to do it.
Oh, good.
'Cause I just got an e-mail.
They're fumigating the school, and the kids are gonna be off for the next three days.
I'm calling in with lady problems.
TV REPORTER: And in other news, a river boat was quarantined offshore due to a lice outbreak.
(LAUGHING) Never tell your mother how much I enjoyed this.
You want us to rewind it and play it again? He's seen it three times.
Once more for the old man, huh? And in other news, a river boat was quarantined (LAUGHING)