Marlon (2017) s01e09 Episode Script
Appropriate Marlon
1 What's up? Welcome to "The Marlon Way.
" Today, we're gonna talk about code-switching.
That's when you adapt the way you act to match the people you're with.
For example: Obama.
When dignitaries would visit the White House, Obama would be like, "Hello, Prime Minister.
It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance.
" But when LeBron won the championship and the Cavs came to the White House.
Barack was like "Yo, what up, 'Bron, 'Bron? It's your boy, Barack.
" Me? I don't code-switch.
I'm just me 24/7.
Know what I mean? [coughs.]
Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon [hip-hop music.]
Okay, so does this dress say "sophisticated, independent woman"? More like "Eat at Sizzler and smash in the back of a Dodge Stratus.
" This is your dress, Yvette.
Well, that's how I know what it says.
I can't believe you got into the Avalon Society.
I've been on that club's waiting list for three years.
Now you can put in a good word for your girl.
- Yvette.
- Mm-hmm.
I'm not in yet, okay? It's just a mixer for potential new members.
But how exciting would that be, right? Work connections, new friends.
I really need to expand my social circles.
Me too.
We could do so much better than each other.
Wait, you're bringing Marlon, aren't you? That would be a helluva no.
The Avalon is a group of sophisticated, mature people.
Who prefer married couples.
I've done my research, and I don't blame 'em.
Can you imagine bringing all of this around all those well-to-do husbands? I'm like alimony in heels.
[laughing.]
But trust me.
You'll have a better chance of getting in if you bring Marlon.
Ashley, check it out.
I just taught Zack how to save a fart in a jar.
Yeah, leave his ass home.
Hey, remember, let that mature for two to three weeks, then let it out somewhere special like Mommy's room.
What was y'all talking about? Leave me home from what? Oh, I'm just going to a soiree at the Avalon Club.
That's their word, not mine.
Hey, I'm down for a soiree.
I don't know what it is, but as long as it don't mean putting fingers in weird places, I'm like Uh, thank you very much, but I'm fine on my own.
Ashley, I'm sure you're aware of the Avalon's long-standing tradition of favoring couples over singles.
See? Even Stevie knows.
And he don't even know how to comb his hair.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What does an unemployed 40-something who lives on another man's couch know about the Avalon Society? A few guys from my Howell University a cappella group are members there.
The Lil' Treblemakers.
[chuckles.]
I have an open invitation.
I'm on the waiting list, but they're gonna let in your Top Ramen-eating ass? Ramen is the most traded item in prison, so there's a fact for you.
Ashley, why wouldn't you bring me? Listen, if being a couple helps your chances of getting in, let's tag team this.
Come on, you know I'm a natural icebreaker.
I also know that you are entirely inappropriate in social settings.
Inappropriate.
You name one time - I was inappropriate.
- Marley? Wait, what are you gonna bring the babies into this for? What did Daddy do when you won the spelling bee last year? "That's my baby.
I told y'all she ain't dumb.
" First of all, I didn't stand in the chair, because somebody was in it.
I was on somebody's lap.
And it was "Oh, no, I told you my baby wasn't a stupid ass.
" And that's just called parental support.
Okay, but I can be appropriate.
I have levels.
[laughs.]
What you have is no impulse control.
You can't notice a bald guy, a pregnant woman, or a little person without saying something inappropriate.
Exactly.
I don't discriminate.
Marlon, this club is important to me.
And if I get in, it could be very big for my design business, okay? You know, the fact that you don't think I can control myself for a few hours is is quite insulting.
Now can you pass me that jar? I got a rumbly in my tumbly.
[classical music.]
Good evening, I'm Ashley Wayne.
Ah, yes, Mrs.
Wayne, your plus-one is already here.
I'm sorry, my what? Hello, darling.
What an appropriate time for you to arrive.
Marlon, what are you doing here? I'm being appropriate.
You look like the black Professor Plum.
Board game humor? [chuckles.]
It's inappropriate in a fine establishment like this.
Okay, Marlon, go home.
Listen, I realize I wasn't the most appropriate guy during our marriage.
Or before, or after.
Thanks.
And I'm sorry about that, but see, I know this is important to you, so I'm gonna help you get into this chichi club.
Marlon, you are the last person I want here tonight.
Stephandre J.
Noggle.
I'm on the list.
You're the third to last person I want here tonight.
[clears throat.]
Excuse me.
- Oh! - Hi.
Why are you treating my night at the Avalon like UberPool? Yvette wanted to enjoy the finer side of life.
And Stevie wanted to enjoy the freer side of food.
Ooh.
- Okay.
- Mmm.
[gasps.]
Oh! It's Karen Sinclair.
Who? She is a design mogul, a personal hero of mine, but more importantly, she heads up the membership board.
Oh.
Stay.
Karen, hi, I'm Ashley Wayne.
I'm a prospective member.
Oh.
Well, nice to meet you.
I have to say, your throw pillows this season just magnificent.
Yes, that's all she ever talks about.
I'm sorry, forgive me.
I am Marlon, Ashley's husband.
Oh.
Enchanté.
Thank you.
You are a delightful couple.
[chuckles.]
Not nearly as delightful as that fetching dress.
I'm sorry, was that inappropriate? Not at all.
Mm.
Not at all.
Let me introduce you two to some of our other board members.
Okay, excuse us one second.
She's gonna introduce you to white people.
Okay, fine, you can stay.
She thinks we're delightful.
But don't touch nothing, don't ask for nothing, and do not embarrass me in front of these people.
Damn, you sound like my mama at the grocery store.
Okay, okay.
- All right.
- Okay.
Oh, hi, can I have a glass of your best moscato? Yvette, allow me.
Je voudrais votre meilleure bouteille de Jacques Selosse Grand Cru Avize Extra Brut.
Hold up.
Did you just order French champagne in French? Oui.
We don't need menus.
We'll have the beluga caviar and oysters Rockefeller to start.
Excellent choice.
Oh.
Oysters and caviar? [laughing.]
How do you say "hot sauce" in French? Sauce piquante.
Well, I've got sauce piquante in my bag.
This space is such a lovely balance between traditional and modern.
I always say there's nothing more elegant than marrying old with new.
I couldn't agree more, Karen.
I hope you stocked up on the blue pill.
What in "The Green Mile"? Oh, excuse me one moment.
I need to say hello to someone.
- Okay.
- Give them our regards.
So between the May-December couple and the big guy, you must be ready to blow.
Who, me? I hardly even noticed.
Oh, God.
You know, a less appropriate fellow would feel compelled to say those three gentlemen look like three newborn baby mole rats.
I have no such impulse.
Ashley, Marlon, meet Mark - Taylor.
- Taylor.
I've read all about you and the charity work that you do.
It's very impressive.
Well, I'll let you all get acquainted.
Marcus.
Are you active on the charity scene as well? Ah, fairly active.
Whenever somebody sends me those cute little address labels, I always throw 'em a little something-something.
[laughs.]
I'm sorry, I wasn't clear.
I meant, are you on any committees? Ah, well, actually, we're founding members of the Stephandre J.
Noggle Habitat for Homeless Middle-Aged Black Men.
I haven't heard of it.
Really? You haven't heard our slogan? "A financially strapped Negro is a terrible thing to support.
" - Hmm.
- Yes, it's everywhere.
In fact, we're having a fundraiser next month.
You should join.
That would be great because, you know, if we can motivate just one homeless middle-aged black man to get a job or perhaps his own toilet paper, that would be something, wouldn't it? Sounds very special.
Yes, it is.
Thank you.
Now I have to fake a fundraiser.
Ah, that's the easy stuff.
That ain't gonna be the first thing you faked.
Where are all these bald-head dudes coming from? - Beluga.
- Mmm.
You are in for a treat.
Well, I'll try anything twice.
[laughs.]
- Okay.
- Ah-ah-ah.
Use the mother-of-pearl spoon.
Ooh.
Okay.
It's like the beach and crackers are popping off in my mouth.
[laughing.]
Excuse me, miss, I don't mean to interrupt, but I've got a bit of business with this Lil' Treblemaker.
[laughing.]
[plays pitch.]
Both: The Hallowed halls of Howell Howl of how we'll win the day A gourmet who can sing, speak French, and look good in an ascot? Shoot, Stevie.
You could fool around and catch it.
What the hell am I saying? That caviar got me twisted.
Both: The voices of our bells will whisper How we'll find the way Howell Oh, how we'll stay - How we'll stay [Marlon improvising last note.]
One of us is off.
I think it's you.
Our 10-year-old, Harper, was just issued his very first patent.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
So you mentioned you have two children? Yes.
Marley, our daughter, she's top of her class at Oakley.
And Zack, our son, he's - Uh, Zack, he's he's - Uh - He's he's special.
- Yeah.
- Quite special.
- Uh-huh.
He's actually conducting a scientific study where he traps inert gases in cylindrical containers and observes their long-term potency and the effects on the nasal cavity.
He's actually been tapped for the space program.
Yes, he's "inflatuated" with Uranus.
[laughing.]
- Uh, Marlon.
- Yes? Will you excuse us for a second? Will you join me, please? Oh, absolutely.
Um, what are you doing? First a fake charity, and now Zack's gonna be an astronaut? Come on, tell me that boy ain't a space cadet.
This is important to you.
I'm here to support you and grow your business.
I want to do this on my own.
All right, fine.
Fine.
I'll just go find a smokers' lounge and some tobacco and a pipe that don't blow bubbles.
Marlon, what I'm saying is, go home.
Oh, Ashley, there you are.
Mark was just telling us he's hosting a wine tasting this weekend.
You and Marlon should come.
And bring your aunt.
Aunt Eunice? No, Diana Ross.
Marlon said you'd be shy about it.
Both: Mm-hmm.
What else did he say? That he helped create "Candy Crush.
" And that he once got in a fistfight with Morgan Freeman.
Yeah none of that is true.
Here's the thing.
Marlon and I are divorced, but we're still really good friends, and he just said all that stuff to help me get into this club.
My life has been about pursuing my career and raising two kids, and it's not very exciting, but I'm hoping that this place gives me a fresh start.
Wonderful.
I'm gonna get another drink.
Would you excuse me? - I think we'll join you.
- [chuckles.]
Wow.
Guess I said the wrong thing.
Oh, no, not at all.
They're just not used to people who are starting a new phase in their lives.
The Avalon's more for people who have already arrived.
Totally.
That makes sense.
If you'll excuse me.
Of course.
Oh, hell no.
Hey, Ash.
I thought you left.
I was hiding behind "Blind Side" over there.
Listen, I heard what Karen said, and I don't think you should leave.
Marlon, I showed them who I am, and they'd rather hang out with Diana Ross' niece.
Yeah, so would I.
I mean, it's Diana Ross.
She created a whole legion of little lovable light-skinned people.
You could be one.
It's true, medieval doctors prescribed caviar to cure male impotence.
Stevie, all this time, I had no idea you were so cultured.
When you're ready.
No rush.
Oh, we're invited guests this evening.
I believe everything is gratuit.
Well, the hors d'oeuvres are complimentary - Uh-huh.
- But the items you ordered were off menu.
Mm, mm.
Mm.
Um I'll get the next one, s'il vous plaît.
That's French for "please.
" I always knew your ass was trifling.
And that's English for "trifling.
" How the hell you run up a bill like this? When given the opportunity, I order the best.
It's how I was raised.
Well, this is how I was raised.
When you can't pay, you run.
Au revoir, sucker.
If this is important to you, I don't understand why you're leaving.
Marlon, because I'm not like these people, okay? They all know who they are.
They have their lives together.
They've arrived.
Girl, please.
Look at all these people.
They are fronting.
Come on, listen.
I've worn enough gold chains that turned my neck green to know fakes when I see 'em.
Okay, come with me.
Come here.
Oh, Karen.
- Karen.
- Oh.
You know, your name fascinates me.
However do you spell it? With a K.
Mm.
Is that with one R or two? Just one.
Excuse me.
- Yo, Karen! - Yes? Oh, snap.
Look who answers to "Karen.
" "Carr-en" does.
Oh, Marcus, old chap.
You say you're from Connecticut.
What part? - That would be Westport.
- Interesting.
You know, I noticed a very distinct wave pattern in your hair, one that can only be achieved by using pink lotion and what they call in the hood a do-rag.
I don't know what you mean.
[chuckling.]
I see the indentation along your forehead.
How many days have you woke up lightheaded because the tie was too tight? Yes, I know.
I know.
What did your mama tell you to do before she came home from work? Take the chicken out the freezer.
Oh.
So you're not from Westport, are you? I'm from Harlem, son.
125 and St.
Nick.
Same place where Puffy rapped about a chick named Tondalea, man.
Damn, that felt good, son.
Keep it real, dog.
- Keeping it real.
- All day.
- All day, every day.
- All day.
- You know that.
- You know what I'm saying? My my dude.
And what can I say about Bobby and Suzy? Oh, the perfect parents with the perfect child.
Never does anything wrong.
- He sets things on fire! - Damn.
I'm sleeping with my secretary.
You may have overshot that one, Bobby.
You see? We are all faking the funk.
Look at this hostess.
She's probably putting herself through school, working overtime here.
Yeah, right.
Watch this.
Make it rain.
[beatboxing.]
A stripper! Even I yes, I know you look at me and say, "Look at that smart, dapper rascal.
" But alas.
This is nothing but a leg from my dirty sweatpants.
You're all a bunch of pretenders, but you know who's not a pretender? Ashley.
She's the real deal, and you all are crazy if you don't want her in your club.
Come on, Ash.
Let's get out of here.
Ooh.
Go ahead.
You look like the last three eggs in a carton.
[both laughing.]
I can't believe you put that nasty sweatpant leg around your neck.
I Febreze'd it first.
Oh, Karen texted me.
Apparently, they're still considering my membership.
Oh, wow.
Nice.
Yeah, Mark hit me up.
Told me he wants to get a spades game going.
[both laughing.]
Thank you, Marlon.
I know you were trying to help me.
And I'll admit, as inappropriate as you can be, I admire your ability to always be yourself.
I guess if I was more appropriate, we'd have never gotten divorced.
Marlon, if you were more appropriate, we never would have gotten married.
Sometimes I just want to hug you.
[laughing.]
You say all the right things, boo.
[laughing.]
You're so silly.
Hey, so what happened to you two? We dined and dashed.
I think Yvette and I learned a little something about each other tonight.
Yeah, that your ass is broke in any language.
Well, either way, it felt good to stick it to "The Man.
" Yeah, well, sorry, Bonnie and Clyde, the Avalon called.
Seems like "The Man" has your IDs at coat check.
You know what? - It was your idea to dine and dash.
- You broke-ass shut up! Get out.
Get out of Ashley's house.
Get out! Can you believe that? Hey, we ain't aiding and abetting no fugitive.
You get your ass out too.
Ashley.
I got two kids.
" Today, we're gonna talk about code-switching.
That's when you adapt the way you act to match the people you're with.
For example: Obama.
When dignitaries would visit the White House, Obama would be like, "Hello, Prime Minister.
It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance.
" But when LeBron won the championship and the Cavs came to the White House.
Barack was like "Yo, what up, 'Bron, 'Bron? It's your boy, Barack.
" Me? I don't code-switch.
I'm just me 24/7.
Know what I mean? [coughs.]
Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon [hip-hop music.]
Okay, so does this dress say "sophisticated, independent woman"? More like "Eat at Sizzler and smash in the back of a Dodge Stratus.
" This is your dress, Yvette.
Well, that's how I know what it says.
I can't believe you got into the Avalon Society.
I've been on that club's waiting list for three years.
Now you can put in a good word for your girl.
- Yvette.
- Mm-hmm.
I'm not in yet, okay? It's just a mixer for potential new members.
But how exciting would that be, right? Work connections, new friends.
I really need to expand my social circles.
Me too.
We could do so much better than each other.
Wait, you're bringing Marlon, aren't you? That would be a helluva no.
The Avalon is a group of sophisticated, mature people.
Who prefer married couples.
I've done my research, and I don't blame 'em.
Can you imagine bringing all of this around all those well-to-do husbands? I'm like alimony in heels.
[laughing.]
But trust me.
You'll have a better chance of getting in if you bring Marlon.
Ashley, check it out.
I just taught Zack how to save a fart in a jar.
Yeah, leave his ass home.
Hey, remember, let that mature for two to three weeks, then let it out somewhere special like Mommy's room.
What was y'all talking about? Leave me home from what? Oh, I'm just going to a soiree at the Avalon Club.
That's their word, not mine.
Hey, I'm down for a soiree.
I don't know what it is, but as long as it don't mean putting fingers in weird places, I'm like Uh, thank you very much, but I'm fine on my own.
Ashley, I'm sure you're aware of the Avalon's long-standing tradition of favoring couples over singles.
See? Even Stevie knows.
And he don't even know how to comb his hair.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What does an unemployed 40-something who lives on another man's couch know about the Avalon Society? A few guys from my Howell University a cappella group are members there.
The Lil' Treblemakers.
[chuckles.]
I have an open invitation.
I'm on the waiting list, but they're gonna let in your Top Ramen-eating ass? Ramen is the most traded item in prison, so there's a fact for you.
Ashley, why wouldn't you bring me? Listen, if being a couple helps your chances of getting in, let's tag team this.
Come on, you know I'm a natural icebreaker.
I also know that you are entirely inappropriate in social settings.
Inappropriate.
You name one time - I was inappropriate.
- Marley? Wait, what are you gonna bring the babies into this for? What did Daddy do when you won the spelling bee last year? "That's my baby.
I told y'all she ain't dumb.
" First of all, I didn't stand in the chair, because somebody was in it.
I was on somebody's lap.
And it was "Oh, no, I told you my baby wasn't a stupid ass.
" And that's just called parental support.
Okay, but I can be appropriate.
I have levels.
[laughs.]
What you have is no impulse control.
You can't notice a bald guy, a pregnant woman, or a little person without saying something inappropriate.
Exactly.
I don't discriminate.
Marlon, this club is important to me.
And if I get in, it could be very big for my design business, okay? You know, the fact that you don't think I can control myself for a few hours is is quite insulting.
Now can you pass me that jar? I got a rumbly in my tumbly.
[classical music.]
Good evening, I'm Ashley Wayne.
Ah, yes, Mrs.
Wayne, your plus-one is already here.
I'm sorry, my what? Hello, darling.
What an appropriate time for you to arrive.
Marlon, what are you doing here? I'm being appropriate.
You look like the black Professor Plum.
Board game humor? [chuckles.]
It's inappropriate in a fine establishment like this.
Okay, Marlon, go home.
Listen, I realize I wasn't the most appropriate guy during our marriage.
Or before, or after.
Thanks.
And I'm sorry about that, but see, I know this is important to you, so I'm gonna help you get into this chichi club.
Marlon, you are the last person I want here tonight.
Stephandre J.
Noggle.
I'm on the list.
You're the third to last person I want here tonight.
[clears throat.]
Excuse me.
- Oh! - Hi.
Why are you treating my night at the Avalon like UberPool? Yvette wanted to enjoy the finer side of life.
And Stevie wanted to enjoy the freer side of food.
Ooh.
- Okay.
- Mmm.
[gasps.]
Oh! It's Karen Sinclair.
Who? She is a design mogul, a personal hero of mine, but more importantly, she heads up the membership board.
Oh.
Stay.
Karen, hi, I'm Ashley Wayne.
I'm a prospective member.
Oh.
Well, nice to meet you.
I have to say, your throw pillows this season just magnificent.
Yes, that's all she ever talks about.
I'm sorry, forgive me.
I am Marlon, Ashley's husband.
Oh.
Enchanté.
Thank you.
You are a delightful couple.
[chuckles.]
Not nearly as delightful as that fetching dress.
I'm sorry, was that inappropriate? Not at all.
Mm.
Not at all.
Let me introduce you two to some of our other board members.
Okay, excuse us one second.
She's gonna introduce you to white people.
Okay, fine, you can stay.
She thinks we're delightful.
But don't touch nothing, don't ask for nothing, and do not embarrass me in front of these people.
Damn, you sound like my mama at the grocery store.
Okay, okay.
- All right.
- Okay.
Oh, hi, can I have a glass of your best moscato? Yvette, allow me.
Je voudrais votre meilleure bouteille de Jacques Selosse Grand Cru Avize Extra Brut.
Hold up.
Did you just order French champagne in French? Oui.
We don't need menus.
We'll have the beluga caviar and oysters Rockefeller to start.
Excellent choice.
Oh.
Oysters and caviar? [laughing.]
How do you say "hot sauce" in French? Sauce piquante.
Well, I've got sauce piquante in my bag.
This space is such a lovely balance between traditional and modern.
I always say there's nothing more elegant than marrying old with new.
I couldn't agree more, Karen.
I hope you stocked up on the blue pill.
What in "The Green Mile"? Oh, excuse me one moment.
I need to say hello to someone.
- Okay.
- Give them our regards.
So between the May-December couple and the big guy, you must be ready to blow.
Who, me? I hardly even noticed.
Oh, God.
You know, a less appropriate fellow would feel compelled to say those three gentlemen look like three newborn baby mole rats.
I have no such impulse.
Ashley, Marlon, meet Mark - Taylor.
- Taylor.
I've read all about you and the charity work that you do.
It's very impressive.
Well, I'll let you all get acquainted.
Marcus.
Are you active on the charity scene as well? Ah, fairly active.
Whenever somebody sends me those cute little address labels, I always throw 'em a little something-something.
[laughs.]
I'm sorry, I wasn't clear.
I meant, are you on any committees? Ah, well, actually, we're founding members of the Stephandre J.
Noggle Habitat for Homeless Middle-Aged Black Men.
I haven't heard of it.
Really? You haven't heard our slogan? "A financially strapped Negro is a terrible thing to support.
" - Hmm.
- Yes, it's everywhere.
In fact, we're having a fundraiser next month.
You should join.
That would be great because, you know, if we can motivate just one homeless middle-aged black man to get a job or perhaps his own toilet paper, that would be something, wouldn't it? Sounds very special.
Yes, it is.
Thank you.
Now I have to fake a fundraiser.
Ah, that's the easy stuff.
That ain't gonna be the first thing you faked.
Where are all these bald-head dudes coming from? - Beluga.
- Mmm.
You are in for a treat.
Well, I'll try anything twice.
[laughs.]
- Okay.
- Ah-ah-ah.
Use the mother-of-pearl spoon.
Ooh.
Okay.
It's like the beach and crackers are popping off in my mouth.
[laughing.]
Excuse me, miss, I don't mean to interrupt, but I've got a bit of business with this Lil' Treblemaker.
[laughing.]
[plays pitch.]
Both: The Hallowed halls of Howell Howl of how we'll win the day A gourmet who can sing, speak French, and look good in an ascot? Shoot, Stevie.
You could fool around and catch it.
What the hell am I saying? That caviar got me twisted.
Both: The voices of our bells will whisper How we'll find the way Howell Oh, how we'll stay - How we'll stay [Marlon improvising last note.]
One of us is off.
I think it's you.
Our 10-year-old, Harper, was just issued his very first patent.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
So you mentioned you have two children? Yes.
Marley, our daughter, she's top of her class at Oakley.
And Zack, our son, he's - Uh, Zack, he's he's - Uh - He's he's special.
- Yeah.
- Quite special.
- Uh-huh.
He's actually conducting a scientific study where he traps inert gases in cylindrical containers and observes their long-term potency and the effects on the nasal cavity.
He's actually been tapped for the space program.
Yes, he's "inflatuated" with Uranus.
[laughing.]
- Uh, Marlon.
- Yes? Will you excuse us for a second? Will you join me, please? Oh, absolutely.
Um, what are you doing? First a fake charity, and now Zack's gonna be an astronaut? Come on, tell me that boy ain't a space cadet.
This is important to you.
I'm here to support you and grow your business.
I want to do this on my own.
All right, fine.
Fine.
I'll just go find a smokers' lounge and some tobacco and a pipe that don't blow bubbles.
Marlon, what I'm saying is, go home.
Oh, Ashley, there you are.
Mark was just telling us he's hosting a wine tasting this weekend.
You and Marlon should come.
And bring your aunt.
Aunt Eunice? No, Diana Ross.
Marlon said you'd be shy about it.
Both: Mm-hmm.
What else did he say? That he helped create "Candy Crush.
" And that he once got in a fistfight with Morgan Freeman.
Yeah none of that is true.
Here's the thing.
Marlon and I are divorced, but we're still really good friends, and he just said all that stuff to help me get into this club.
My life has been about pursuing my career and raising two kids, and it's not very exciting, but I'm hoping that this place gives me a fresh start.
Wonderful.
I'm gonna get another drink.
Would you excuse me? - I think we'll join you.
- [chuckles.]
Wow.
Guess I said the wrong thing.
Oh, no, not at all.
They're just not used to people who are starting a new phase in their lives.
The Avalon's more for people who have already arrived.
Totally.
That makes sense.
If you'll excuse me.
Of course.
Oh, hell no.
Hey, Ash.
I thought you left.
I was hiding behind "Blind Side" over there.
Listen, I heard what Karen said, and I don't think you should leave.
Marlon, I showed them who I am, and they'd rather hang out with Diana Ross' niece.
Yeah, so would I.
I mean, it's Diana Ross.
She created a whole legion of little lovable light-skinned people.
You could be one.
It's true, medieval doctors prescribed caviar to cure male impotence.
Stevie, all this time, I had no idea you were so cultured.
When you're ready.
No rush.
Oh, we're invited guests this evening.
I believe everything is gratuit.
Well, the hors d'oeuvres are complimentary - Uh-huh.
- But the items you ordered were off menu.
Mm, mm.
Mm.
Um I'll get the next one, s'il vous plaît.
That's French for "please.
" I always knew your ass was trifling.
And that's English for "trifling.
" How the hell you run up a bill like this? When given the opportunity, I order the best.
It's how I was raised.
Well, this is how I was raised.
When you can't pay, you run.
Au revoir, sucker.
If this is important to you, I don't understand why you're leaving.
Marlon, because I'm not like these people, okay? They all know who they are.
They have their lives together.
They've arrived.
Girl, please.
Look at all these people.
They are fronting.
Come on, listen.
I've worn enough gold chains that turned my neck green to know fakes when I see 'em.
Okay, come with me.
Come here.
Oh, Karen.
- Karen.
- Oh.
You know, your name fascinates me.
However do you spell it? With a K.
Mm.
Is that with one R or two? Just one.
Excuse me.
- Yo, Karen! - Yes? Oh, snap.
Look who answers to "Karen.
" "Carr-en" does.
Oh, Marcus, old chap.
You say you're from Connecticut.
What part? - That would be Westport.
- Interesting.
You know, I noticed a very distinct wave pattern in your hair, one that can only be achieved by using pink lotion and what they call in the hood a do-rag.
I don't know what you mean.
[chuckling.]
I see the indentation along your forehead.
How many days have you woke up lightheaded because the tie was too tight? Yes, I know.
I know.
What did your mama tell you to do before she came home from work? Take the chicken out the freezer.
Oh.
So you're not from Westport, are you? I'm from Harlem, son.
125 and St.
Nick.
Same place where Puffy rapped about a chick named Tondalea, man.
Damn, that felt good, son.
Keep it real, dog.
- Keeping it real.
- All day.
- All day, every day.
- All day.
- You know that.
- You know what I'm saying? My my dude.
And what can I say about Bobby and Suzy? Oh, the perfect parents with the perfect child.
Never does anything wrong.
- He sets things on fire! - Damn.
I'm sleeping with my secretary.
You may have overshot that one, Bobby.
You see? We are all faking the funk.
Look at this hostess.
She's probably putting herself through school, working overtime here.
Yeah, right.
Watch this.
Make it rain.
[beatboxing.]
A stripper! Even I yes, I know you look at me and say, "Look at that smart, dapper rascal.
" But alas.
This is nothing but a leg from my dirty sweatpants.
You're all a bunch of pretenders, but you know who's not a pretender? Ashley.
She's the real deal, and you all are crazy if you don't want her in your club.
Come on, Ash.
Let's get out of here.
Ooh.
Go ahead.
You look like the last three eggs in a carton.
[both laughing.]
I can't believe you put that nasty sweatpant leg around your neck.
I Febreze'd it first.
Oh, Karen texted me.
Apparently, they're still considering my membership.
Oh, wow.
Nice.
Yeah, Mark hit me up.
Told me he wants to get a spades game going.
[both laughing.]
Thank you, Marlon.
I know you were trying to help me.
And I'll admit, as inappropriate as you can be, I admire your ability to always be yourself.
I guess if I was more appropriate, we'd have never gotten divorced.
Marlon, if you were more appropriate, we never would have gotten married.
Sometimes I just want to hug you.
[laughing.]
You say all the right things, boo.
[laughing.]
You're so silly.
Hey, so what happened to you two? We dined and dashed.
I think Yvette and I learned a little something about each other tonight.
Yeah, that your ass is broke in any language.
Well, either way, it felt good to stick it to "The Man.
" Yeah, well, sorry, Bonnie and Clyde, the Avalon called.
Seems like "The Man" has your IDs at coat check.
You know what? - It was your idea to dine and dash.
- You broke-ass shut up! Get out.
Get out of Ashley's house.
Get out! Can you believe that? Hey, we ain't aiding and abetting no fugitive.
You get your ass out too.
Ashley.
I got two kids.