Marlon (2017) s01e08 Episode Script

Coach Marlon

1 What's up, subscribers? Welcome to "The Marlon Way.
" You know, my friends say I have boundary issues.
I like to think that I'm just very close to people.
Let's ask my friend Stevie.
Do I have boundary issues? - Marlon! Get outta here! - What? I need your take on this.
Yes, you have boundary issues! Stevie thinks so.
But you know, he didn't tell me why he thinks that.
Could you elaborate? Close the curtain! I'm just gonna do your back.
Come on, man.
This is what friends do.
[snickering] Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon [upbeat music] Come on, guys.
We really gotta get going to the game.
Your father's running late.
Oh, uh, Mom, he's actu He really should have been here an hour ago.
- Mom, he's - I know he's gonna walk in the door any minute with some silly little excuse.
What the hell? When did y'all switch to natural toothpaste? This tastes like bad breath.
Like, what's the flavor? [exhales] Haaaah! Marlon, what are you doing here? I was getting ready to call your house.
Dad slept over That's what we were - trying to tell you.
- Oh, really? You slept over? Technically, no.
I mean, we barely slept at all.
[laughs] We had pillow fights.
We ate junk food at 2:00 in the morning.
And then we recorded you snoring and put that on YouTube.
[laughing] Look, Mom, you're trending.
Look, Dad! Oh, wow, look at all those likes! Uh, time out! Can you excuse us, kids? Mommy's gotta talk to Daddy.
But Daddy don't like it when Mommy has to talk to him.
Marlon, you can't just sleep over here.
What's the big deal? Zack asked me to stay.
Zack also asked you to shave his head, and now his fourth-grade picture looks like a smiling Milk Dud.
The point is, this divorce is new for all of us.
And I don't wanna send the kids the wrong message.
Ash, I slept in my clothes on top of Batman sheets.
Now, if I slept in no clothes on top of you that may be sending the wrong message.
Dad, get dressed.
You're coming to the game, right? Of course I'm coming to the game.
Come on.
I wouldn't miss it for the world.
Now, listen, win or lose, I'm still gonna be the loudest, proudest daddy up in there.
I'ma be like, "That's my son! "In your face! In your face's face!" I love how loud you are, Dad.
I just wish you could cheer us to a win.
Son, ain't that much cheering in the world.
Listen, Coach Doug is terrible.
He's so bad, I wrote a rap about it, and I'ma do it at halftime.
Coach Doug, you suck - And I don't give a - Or you could sit with the adults in the bleachers and try being a little bit more subdued.
[calmly] You want subdued? I'll give you subdued.
Let's go! Let's go! Let's get this one! Are you ready to win? Way to be subdued, Marlon.
I been workin' on it.
Let's go, baby! Let's do this! And that's why I quit track and field.
Oh! Well, look who finally made it to a game.
Couldn't let another season go by without supporting Zack.
I have a deep affection for that little guy.
I told him there's pizza after every game.
I also have a deep affection for free pizza.
You have a deep affection for free.
Yvette! Are you here for free pizza too? [laughs] Does this body look like it eats pizza? I came to see my baby boy ball! I told her a lot of kids on the team have divorced dads.
That is not why I'm here.
But where they at, though? [sighs] Hey, Ashley.
- Hey, Vickie.
- You think the boys might finally win one? Well, I don't know, but Marlon's over there giving Coach Doug a pep talk right now.
You 'bout to lose this game, Doug.
Now did you get the playbook I emailed you? - No.
- No? Well, bam! Wow.
Your ex-husband has a lot of energy.
And that's why I quit violin.
Yeah, well, he can be a little unplugged.
But he was up all night eating sugar with my son and Whoa! Whoa, wait.
Your ex-husband sleeps at your house? Mm hmm! No! Not really.
I mean, you know, he did last night, but it was more of like a slumber party.
You know what, can you just check my Facebook status? It's complicated! Girl, he's still got a key.
My ex was the same way, and I set boundaries, and now he respects my space and we have no problems whatsoever.
I know! Like when Demetrius got that restraining order against me, I was like, all you got to do is call the cops on me twice and I'm out! Crowd: Three, two, one [buzzer] [crowd whooping] Yay! Way to be nice! Hey, Doug, I got a defensive suggestion for you.
Yeah play some.
Marlon, I have to be honest.
You're beginning to frustrate me.
Oh, really? You have a pretty high tolerance for me, 'cause I've been screaming in your face for six weeks.
You really think you can do a better job than me? Doug, you are 0 and 6.
I can't do no worse! You win, Marlon.
I can't take any more of this.
You're the coach now.
- Really? - Yes.
Because if I don't hand you this whistle, I'm gonna lose my temper, my eyes will roll back in my head, and things will go black.
Oh, oh, calm down, Wreck-It Ralph.
All right, gather around, Camels.
I got some good news.
Coach Doug is out, and Coach Marlon is in.
Are you ready to win, Camels? Boys: Yeah! Then let's go do this! I will not lead you astray, Camels! This will not end well.
That's the ladies' room.
Gentlemen most teams win games relying on their fundamentals.
Now I seen you all play.
We ain't got that luxury.
Assistant Coach Stevie, the board.
If ya wanna win games, we can't rely on fundamentals.
We gotta take the fun out and focus on da mentals! The mentals! What kinda basketball is that? Street ball, little homey! Now, first thing we have to do is we have to up our fouls.
But fouls are illegal.
Only if you get caught.
See, and the quintessential "sneaky" foul, is what I like to call the "Junk Thump.
" - [whack] - Oof! You see that? He's debilitated, and you didn't even see nothin', right? The Junk Thump.
It's a very simple move.
These two knuckles.
You take 'em like this.
Bow! [whistle sounds] Camels, on your feet.
Our second lesson: Trash talkin'.
Trash talkin'.
You have to look your opponent up and down and you gotta hit him where it hurts.
You, come here.
You be like, "Your daddy's so poor, he calls the food stuck in his teeth leftovers.
" Oh! Ho! My dad manages a hedge fund.
It don't have to be true.
It just gotta hurt.
Now, go sit down, Drake.
I don't know if I can say this stuff.
I go to Temple with some of these guys.
That's good! Let's go with that.
Let's work on our Jewish material.
[whistle blows] All right, next! Oh! More knuckle! What is going on in here? Oh! We're just having our first practice.
We have a basketball court in the driveway.
You can't really get that sneakers squeak on concrete.
You know, that [sneakers squeaking] Hey, stop! Stop! May I speak to you in the kitchen? Get him! Fill that cheap-ass Michael Jackson jacket and beat it! What's up? Marlon, I've been thinking a lot about our divorce lately, and I believe it's time to establish some boundaries.
'Bout time! Boundaries? Why? We have a cool divorce.
Well, it's about to get less cool! Uh, 'scuse me, that's enough from the whole Pinot gallery, okay? You talk mer-lot! So why don't you Cabernet sauvig-the-hell on? - What's the problem? - The problem is I come home from work and I find ten Camels in my living room smacking Stevie in the genitals.
Marlon, I'd like my key back.
Ashley, are you serious? Okay, fine.
It's cool.
Take 'em.
That's how you wanna play, I'm cool with that.
Stevie! Let's get outta here.
Hmph! Boom! Boundaries! [knocking] I forgot my basketball team.
Camels! We out! And just for the record, if you had junk, I woulda made them thump it.
[upbeat music] Boundaries! Talkin' boundaries! You know, I thought us not doing it was boundaries enough.
I don't get it.
We had a cool divorce.
And now she wants to mess things up.
Can you believe this? Ashley has a valid point.
Anytime somebody comes in and they take advantage of you, violate your privacy, have no respect for your personal space, it can be very frustrating.
Says the Negro who sleeps on my couch.
Let me rephrase that.
She trippin'.
All right, Camels! [blowing whistle] All right, Camels, I know what you're thinking.
Damn, Coach looks good in a suit.
And I do.
Do you know why I'm wearing this suit? Not just because I got a good discount, three for one over at the outlet.
I'm wearing this suit because if you dress like a winner, then you feel like a winner, and if you feel like a winner, then you are a winner! Now, are you ready, Camels? Boys: Yeah! On three! One, two, three! Boys: Yo' mama's ugly! Yes! Now let's go out there and show 'em that we're winners! Crowd: Two, one [buzzer] [crowd cheering] I feel like such a loser.
Loser? It's only halftime.
And y'all didn't play hard enough to break a sweat.
Lookit, this boy is dry as hell.
You could go to church after this.
Dad! We're down by 20 points! We can see where this is going.
Coach, I don't think we're cut out for this type of basketball.
And Gabe is really beating himself up over some of the things he's saying out there.
I'm ashamed of myself! Gabe, you stop it with all your little white guilt.
We can win this.
If you guys just go out there and you play the street ball that I been teaching you, I guarantee you, I will coach you to victory.
You couldn't coach a black man into a rib joint! Gabe, I am both very hurt yet proud of you for that.
Like, I wanna punch you and hug you at the same time.
You know, what I want you to do? I want you to bottle that and save it for the court, okay? Sorry, Coach.
I think you pushed us too far.
Hey, Zack you too? Sorry, Dad.
It's just not us.
[laughs] Black man at a rib joint.
[hip-hop music] Girl, and when she got home, he had wrecked her floors.
- [gasps] - So you know what she did? She took away his key.
Mm-hmm-hmm! That is such a great first step.
You are on your way to a perfect divorce.
Ashley, are you listening to this? You know what, the team's been gone a long time.
Something's going on.
I'm gonna go talk to Marlon.
You don't have to talk to him.
I haven't spoken to my ex-husband in three years, trust me.
Why don't you talk to him? Why would I need to? When you drop off the kids? I pull into a parking lot.
I flash my lights twice.
They get out of my car, they hop into his, and that's it.
That is how you do divorce.
That is also how you do a drug deal.
What's wrong with you? You know what, I've heard enough.
I'm gonna go and speak to Marlon.
Yeah, you go do that, and I'm gonna stay here and chop it up with "El Chapo.
" Everything okay, Coach? Hmm.
I'd tell you, but I don't wanna violate your boundaries.
Where's the team, Marlon? - Them little bastards quit.
- What? Nobody's talking to me.
Gabe done lost his mind.
I got all these little white kids running around here talking about people's mamas.
And little black kids too.
Zack's about to get popped.
He said some outrageous stuff out there.
All right.
I'll admit I got boundary issues.
I just push people until they kick me to the curb.
Yes, you're right.
Your lack of boundaries is one of the reasons our marriage didn't work.
And I got scared it would be a reason that our divorce wouldn't work.
But Marlon, your biggest weakness is also your strength.
So you know what? Use that strength.
Give Zack the win.
You know sometimes I wonder why I ever divorced you.
[laughing] Oh, don't get it twisted, Negro.
I divorced you.
Okay, well, let's just agree to disagree.
- Okay.
- 'Cause them kids been missing for 20 minutes, and I got a sneaking suspicion that lunatic Gabe is keying my car.
Oh, God.
All right, Camels, gather around.
Tanner, you were right.
I pushed you guys too far.
I-I tend to go overboard.
That's my weakness.
But, see, when I played basketball, I made that my strength.
I'd take things too far.
There's nothing I wouldn't do to win! And you guys have to take your weaknesses and you have to turn them into strengths.
Come here, light skin.
You you're a three-point threat.
I can't shoot three-pointers.
You damn sure can't.
I didn't say you could.
I said you're a three-point threat you know why? 'Cause those players, they're gonna look at you and go, "Hey, look at little Steph Curry baby.
"I bet you that eggshell colored brother can shoot three-pointers.
" And that's what you do, you use that to your advantage.
You fake the three-pointer, you dribble in, you take a two-pointer.
You gonna be hitting those all day long, open shots.
You got me? You.
Come here, Gabe.
What's your weakness? I'm just a nerd.
Yes, you are.
But you know what? So is Jeremy Lin.
NBA ball player.
You know he graduated Harvard with a degree in math and science? So while all the brothers is playing athletic basketball on him, oh, he's doing mathematic equations.
He's like, "I cross over using the Pythagorean theorem, A square plus B square equals C square, and I spin around the defender with the circumference of radius of Pi.
And I shoot a protracted 45-degree angle shot at 52 rotations per second, and swish! Two points in your mouth, bitch! What about me, Dad? Son, you got a big mouth like me! Hey, like father, like son.
That's my boy! See, now all of you guys have strengths, and if you use your strengths, I guarantee you, you're gonna go out there and you're gonna win this game, okay? Now, Camels, come on, let's bring it in.
On three.
One, two, three! All: Camels! Let's go, let's go! Pizza isn't contingent on a win, is it? [crowd cheering] [Marlon shouting indistinctly] [buzzer sounds] Come on! We came back from 20 points down! We only lost by one point! We almost won! [boys chanting] We almost won! We almost won! All: We almost won! Hey, you know what? How 'bout we do an almost victory dance? Hey! Ha ha! All right, stop.
That's enough.
'Cause we didn't win.
We shouldn't be that happy.
I'm joking.
Come on! Ah! Ohhh! [hip-hop music] Marlon, what you doing out here? Well I was gonna bust through the kitchen door like I normally do, but then I realized I didn't have my My key.
Okay, so here's the deal.
You got one shot.
You make it, you get your key back.
But I'ma get inside your head.
So I hope that your ball game is better than your marriage game.
- Oh - [laughing] That hurt! Oh, you goin' there! - Uh-huh! - That hurt! You better not talk about my mama.
- Oh, your mama? - Yeah.
Yo' mama never liked me.
Come and get it.
- [giggling] - You ain't got that.
You ain't got that.
Watch out, shorty.
- Look at that, look at that! - Just stop poking You know what? I don't want the key back because I made a stupid basketball shot.
I only want the key back if you want me to have it back.
Thank God 'Cause I didn't think I could make it from here.
Oh, I know, Coach.
So we back to having a cool divorce? Let's try the almost cool divorce.
I'm almost cool with that.
Hey, Zack, you can close your bedroom window.
Mommy gave me the key back.