Marlon (2017) s01e07 Episode Script

Hospital Party

1 What's up, people? Welcome to "The Marlon Way.
" Me and my ex-wife, Ashley, when we parent, we do it differently.
See, I keep it real, and she keeps it real emotional.
And when Ashley cries, like most women, it comes in four stages.
Stage one: Heavy breathing.
[breathing deeply] Stage two: [gasps] They look up into the sky and start fanning their eyes.
Stage three: Lip sucking.
[panting] Stage four is a full on, ugly cry, buttoned up with a big old Viola Davis snot bubble.
Just mucus spread all across her face.
See, men, when we cry, we do it real cool, like Denzel.
Just one tear rolling down our cheek with no expression.
Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon [hip-hop music] Okay.
Snacks for Marley, iPad for Zack, sweatshirts in case the hospital is cold.
What else am I forgetting? Oh, toilet seat covers! You have your own toilet seat covers? Don't you? I hover.
Girl, you need to chill.
Zack's surgery is outpatient.
He'll be home in a few hours.
I just like to be prepared.
Plus, it keeps me distracted from thinking about how fragile Zack is.
It's a bird! It's a plane! It's a kid that's way heavier than I thought he was! - Whoa! Aah! - [grunts] Oh, my God! Marlon, you shouldn't be jiggling him around.
Oh, what's the matter? Mommy's jiggle-jealous? Come here.
I got you girl.
Come here.
Oh, ya.
- Put me down.
- Remind you of something? Marlon! Okay, listen, he was just a little nervous about going to the hospital, so I just wanted to remind him that superheroes aren't afraid of anything, right? What are we gonna do to that bone infection? We're kicking the bone infection's ass! Ahem.
Hey, what'd I tell you about saying the word "ass"? Nothing.
You know, me and you could never rob a bank together.
Zack, you're only gonna need these crutches [voice breaking] For a couple more days.
Oh, my God.
[mock sobbing] You see that? The heavy breathing? [mock sobbing and speaks gibberish] - Stage one of the ugly cry.
- [laughs] I'm glad you guys think this is funny, but my baby's having surgery.
Are you sure this isn't gonna hurt? Honey, remember, it's like we talked about, right? The doctor's just gonna make a small incision in your leg.
He's gonna clean out the infection.
You'll be on antibiotics for a couple day Boy, you gon' be high as hell.
They gon' give you that stuff that made Bobby and Whitney fall in love.
Look, you gon' be home by 9:00.
I'ma be beating your behind in "John Madden Football" by 9:05.
Zach, you're good I prayed on it.
My god is a mighty healer.
Sinners be dropping to their knees in a second, huh? God, it's me Yvette.
I holla at you the last time I needed something.
God knows my heart, and you can trust and believe that.
I trust and believe God's gon' be ducking your calls.
He gon' be up there like, "Is that Yvette? "Jesus, I ain't here! Quick, turn out the sun! Close the clouds!" Jesus loves me.
This I know.
Um, I think that's Jesús.
And he owns an auto body shop right down there on Crenshaw.
Well, Jesús fixed my fender for half price.
So, ha-ha! [snaps fingers] Marley! It's time for us to go.
I'm ready.
I was just making some chocolate milk for Zack.
Come on, let's race.
Let's go.
Come on, come on.
That's as fast as you can go? Come on, I got you.
I do that backwards.
You can't get this, boy.
What in the ninja was that? - We need to talk.
- I don't like conversations that start with "We need to talk," 'cause it's never nothing good.
It's never like, "Hey, we need to talk.
"I think you're really cool, and I want to give you a billion dollars.
" No, it's always like, "I saw the doctor, and I think you should too.
I'm pregnant.
It's not yours.
" Marlon, I know we're only gonna be in the hospital for six hours, but that can be very stressful on parents.
- Mm-hmm.
- And in situations like these, I also know you can be very - Sexy? - No.
- Charismatic? - No.
- Did I say sexy? - Marlon! This is what I'm talking about.
You being you.
It reminds me of why we got divorced.
Look, I was just trying to lighten the mood for Zack, okay? He's going to surgery, and I just wanted to, you know, make everything easy for him.
And I just need to make sure that everything goes smoothly, which is why I need you to be Sexy? Oh, my God.
Holla [imitates tires screeching] [imitates engine revving] [panting] Where have you been? We was out there beating cancer kids in wheelchair races.
That was a really weird place to put a pause.
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
Come on, let's get you out of here, buddy.
Get this.
When you park here, you have to pay for an entire day.
$42! Well, that's not gonna happen.
I gotta talk to somebody about this.
Can I have $42? No.
I gotta talk to someone else about this! I'm Nurse Patrice.
Don't let my bubbly demeanor fool you.
I don't play.
Hi, Patrice.
It's wonderful to meet you.
I'm Ashley Wayne, this is our son, Zack, and this is my ex-husband, Marlon.
Hey there, Nurse Ratched.
I like your little Crocs.
They're comfortable, yet stylish, just like you.
[chuckles] I'll be back to put an IV in.
- [scoffs] - [mocking scoff] Oh, I like 'em ghetto like that, boy.
She smell like Newports, Juicy Fruit, and gunpowder.
I don't think that lady likes us.
No, no.
She don't like you, and she definitely don't like you, but she's feeling Daddy.
Marlon, that was our one chance to get in good with the nurse, who is the gatekeeper for everything we need while we're here.
I know, and she's also scary as hell.
I was just trying to, you know, lighten things up.
Hello.
I'm John Pepper.
I'll be performing Zack's surgery today.
- Hi, Doc.
- Are you the guy that's gonna cut me open? Honey, the doctor's done this hundreds of times.
There's nothing out of the ordinary.
Except for the fact that the man's name is Dr.
Pepper.
And ain't nobody gonna acknowledge it? Yeah, yeah.
He named like a soda.
Hey, Dr.
Pepper.
You ever go skiing up on Mountain Dew? Take Dr.
Brown and Mr.
Pibb with you, and you pick up the Tab? Ha-ha! - Marlon! - Hmm? No more soda jokes.
That's okay.
I heard them all.
That must be Diet Dr.
Pepper.
I stand corrected.
[sighs] Sorry it took so long to get the coffee.
Aunt Yvette asked a doctor to take her pulse.
Well, it was going well until I found out he's a nurse.
Zack's not having surgery today.
- Mmm! - The Lord fixed it! Won't he do it? No, I mean, we need to delay his procedure.
His white blood cell count needs to level out.
Uh, keep him relaxed.
You're probably gonna stay here - for two or three days.
- Three days? You guys promised I was gonna be out of here by tonight.
- Oh, honey, it's gonna be fine.
- Fine? It's gonna be great, man.
It's gonna be off the man! This is me and you at a three-day hospital party! What? We gon' turn up, turn up, turn up, turn up, turn up, turn up! [grunting] Haa! Marlon and I in one room for three days? All right.
I can do this.
I don't know.
I saw on "Dr.
Phil" this couple that was stuck in the hospital with their kid, and they got so stressed, the dude knocked his wife out with a bedpan.
Oh, clear! Pow! Ohh! Whoa! - Bop! Ohh! - [groans] All I'm saying is you better get to that bedpan first.
[hip-hop music] Oh, Stevie.
That's so sweet.
You stayed to support Zack.
I'm also sticking around to get my $42 worth.
I've already collected ACE bandages, rubber gloves, and an insane amount of baby Tylenol.
Came to get another pillowcase.
I just saw a cart full of unattended Jell-O cups.
Zack, it's gonna be good.
Feel better, buddy.
Bye.
I wish I didn't have to spend the night here.
I know, but you know what? Mommy has something that I think might cheer you up.
Boom! His name is Babby.
He's seen better days, but my mom gave him to me when I was having my tonsils taken out, and he held my hand the entire time.
He was so [sobbing] I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Why is Mommy in stage two? I think she was trying to cheer me up.
It looks like Babby's the one that needs cheering up.
This little ghetto bunny.
Look like he got beat up all down Sesame Street.
Like he got jumped by Big Bird and Snuffleupagus.
They was like, "You better bring your ass home before the streetlights come on, little homey!" [both laugh] Hey, Mommy, um What is wrong with you? I leave for five minutes, I come back, you crying like Obama's leaving office.
- You got to keep it together.
- I'm sorry, okay? It got the best of me for a second.
Marlon, what is this? I sent you home for schoolbooks, toothbrushes, and clean underwear.
Come on, it's a hospital.
Ain't nobody need clean underwear.
They got them gowns with they ass out.
So you ignored everything I said? Yeah, pretty much.
Hey, Zack.
I got a TV, Xbox, and four bags of Doritos.
[chuckles] Awesome! Thanks, Dad! - My dude.
- My dude.
- My dude! - My dude! - My dude - Marlon! Dr.
Pepper said he's supposed to be relaxing.
You always pick being fun over being responsible.
It's just like when I told you that the kids weren't ready for a puppy, and you went out and got them a puppy.
How they gonna ready for a puppy if they don't have a puppy? Do you remember what happened to that puppy? The kids forgot to bring him inside and he was killed by coyotes.
I like to think that Boscoe was taken in by the pack, and now he runs with a group of wild dogs.
[whispers] We found his ear in the hot tub.
Yeah, but that was his gang initiation.
See, you always have a negative spin on the whole Boscoe experience.
You know that was the best 11 hours of our life? Oh, boy.
All right, funny man.
There's your cot.
I'm sorry.
Excuse me.
We're gonna need two.
Oh, it's only one per family, so y'all gon' have to work that out.
I gotta find some fool running round here with a pillowcase stealing things.
Excuse me.
All right.
You heard that.
We only got one cot, so no funny stuff, okay? This bed right here is for sleeping, not creeping.
Would you scootch over? I have scootched as far as I'm gonna scootch.
Deal with it.
This is just like our marriage.
Oh, you mean, where I appreciate the seriousness of the situation, and you make everything into a joke? No.
Where we lie in bed waiting for you to be less angry so I can finally get some.
You know what? Go on.
Make your jokes.
The doctor says Zack is supposed to relax, and you keep him up all night playing video games and eating junk food.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
I was supposed to not let our kids have any fun because Ashley wants to keep things super serious.
You know, this is just like the time Oh, do not bring up the bounce house! The bounce house! I wanted to get Marley a bounce house for her sixth birthday, and you said we couldn't because you read an article about three kids that got blown away in a rogue bounce house.
Yeah, and you know what? I found a replacement that was just as fun.
You replaced it with a mime.
A mime? Oh, forgive me for wanting to protect our children from a windy, bouncy death.
And I'm sorry that I care about our son being sick.
He's fine.
- He's never felt better.
- Mom? I think I'm gonna be sick.
I ate too many Doritos.
Look, he's not thinking about his leg anymore.
[sighs] You know what? Today, we did things the Marlon way: All fun and games.
But I'm his parent, too.
So tomorrow, he's gonna relax my way.
The hospital party stops.
What you gon' do? Call your mime? [imitates phone ringing] Hello? I can't get to the phone right now because I'm stuck in a box.
[hip-hop music] Oh, I didn't sleep a wink because Marlon was kicking me all night in that tiny cot.
Well, girl, Marley started telling me something about Harry Potter and them, and I passed out like a light.
I think the wine might've helped.
Ahem.
Hi, Patrice.
Um, do you have any tape? I want to hang this "quiet zone" sign outside of my son's door.
Zack really should relax, so I want to keep things as low-key as possible.
[muffled funk music playing] What the hell? Marlon! What are you doing? I'm doing the running man, Zack's doing the rolling man, and Stevie's doing the I don't know what the hell you doing, man.
Mom! Do your dance with Dad! Marlon, today was supposed to be low-key, okay? I mean, I brought puzzles and games, and I thought the party was about to stop.
We were, but then the doctor came, and he wanted to run more tests, so Zack got scared.
So I had to kick it up a notch.
Man, I'm so glad black couples always got a rehearsed dance on deck.
- Hey! Hey! - Okay, Marlon! - Come on, hit this one! - I'm done! Oh, come on.
What? You don't think I can do the splits? Watch this.
Drop down! Ohh! Okay.
All right.
All right.
Marlon, the last two days have been exactly like our marriage all over again.
You have ignored everything I've asked you to do.
Yeah, 'cause you trying to control everything that I do.
Okay, enough! Party over! Good news.
Zack's blood work came back and it's a go for surgery.
[dramatic musical sting] [elevator bell dings] - We'll be right here - when you get out, okay? - Okay.
Yeah, and you'll back to making my life miserable before you know it.
[chuckles] You hear them sounding all sappy? You tell 'em what we gon' do to that bone infection.
We're gonna kick its - Ass.
- You're damn right we are.
[chuckles] My guy.
Hey, Doc, do me a favor? When you're in there, can you please do something 'bout his stank breath and his crusty feet? And if you could re-circumcise him, that'd be nice.
It's a little crooked.
- Mom? - Yeah, sweetheart? Can I take Babby with me? Of course you can.
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
Okay, Marlon.
Now I need jokes.
[exhales] [voice breaking] Yeah.
I'm writing 'em.
- Marlon? - Hmm? - Are you okay? - Yeah.
[clears throat] Yeah, I'm fine.
Just, like, something in my eye.
I'm good, though.
[gasping sobs] They gonna take my baby under the knife! Oh, Lord, take me instead! Lord! Oh! [sobbing loudly] Oh, Lord! Take me instead! [sniffles] Take me instead! [loudly wailing] Come on, Marlon.
Get up.
Get up.
- You gon' be all right.
- Both: He's gonna be fine.
- Baby girl, it's gon' - Mm-mm, no.
It's gon' be all right.
Come on, baby.
[shushing and gasping sobs] - Mom? - Hold me, baby girl.
- [groans] - Hold Daddy.
- No, Daddy, no! - Dad! - Daddy, no! - Mama! Oh, Lord, why'd you have the take the baby? Don't take this one, God! - You take our baby home.
- Mom! Get out of here.
I'm going to get our son.
- Go! Come on! - [screams] They ain't gon' do this! [all screaming] - No, no, no.
- Marlon! No! Don't take Don't take him! - Daddy! Dad! - Don't take him! - Marlon! - Take me instead! - Take me instead! - Marlon! Don't take my boy! Dad, get off me! - [shouts] - Marlon? I got Babby! I got Babby! Come on! [hip-hop music] - Where's Zack? - He's in recovery.
Dr.
Pepper says he's doing great.
Good.
You, on the other hand, cried so hard, you lost a lot of fluid and dignity.
[chuckles] Why you smiling? 'Cause I get it now.
You weren't just being an unemotional jackass.
You were being strong for Zack.
Yeah.
If Zack would've saw me scared, then he would've gotten scared.
Daddies are Superman.
Kids don't want to see us as Clark Kent.
I'm sorry if I've been so uptight.
It's just, when I get stressed, I have to control everything.
Yeah, well, when I get stressed [scoffs] I don't stress.
I just have fun.
- We are very different people.
- Yes, we are.
It's amazing we stayed married for 16 years.
Yeah, I knew you was crazy after the first six months.
[both laugh] We are very different people, and maybe that made us bad spouses, but I think that's what makes us great parents.
Because you know what? You'll never let our babies blow away in a bouncy house.
And you're always gonna bring home a puppy who will be killed by a pack of coyotes.
I'm telling you, that one-eared Pomeranian is running that crew.
All right.
Come on in.
Keep your eyes closed.
Hey, no sneaky peaking.
None of this.
I see you.
I know you.
I'm watching you.
You did the same thing at Christmas.
That's why I took them Jordans back and bought your ass some Starburys.
- Marlon? - Hmm? - What are you doing? - Okay.
It's been two weeks since Zack's surgery, and Dr.
Pepper said he's at 100%, so I want to take his little leg on a test run.
All right, you guys.
Open.
Both: Surprise! Bounce house! - You are out of your mind.
- Yes, I am.
Hey, this way, we can have a bounce house with the certainty it won't blow away.
Well, unless somebody real fat jump in and it just pop.
Pow! [blows raspberry] [laughs] Oh! Hey! - Come on, Ash! - Come on! - Come on in! - Come on! - Come on, Mama.
- Come on, Mom! Make room for Mama! Yay! [laughter and cheering] [coyotes howling] [small dog barking]