M*A*S*H (MASH) s09e14 Episode Script

Off with the white clothes.
On with the green clothes.
[Grunts.]
I always feel very patriotic when I come out of O.
R.
My whites are covered with red, and it gives me the blues.
Well, at least you boys are free to relax before dinner.
Tomorrow's the first.
I want to get a leg up on the monthly medical reports.
So, paisanos, until chow, ciao.
April's over.
Where did it go? See how time flies when you're having a good holocaust? My wedding anniversary is May 23.
This may sound weird, but Peg and I have sort of made it a custom to be together on that day.
Well, look at the bright side: At least you have me.
You'll have to shave.
I need some help.
This man just walked in here carrying the boy.
- I am Key Yong Lu.
Could you help my grandson? - We'll take a look.
- What happened? - Enemy shell come.
Soon Chi fall in ditch.
- Looks like a fracture.
- Better get some X-rays.
I'll take care of it.
Get him into X-ray.
I'll meet you there.
- Yes, Doctor.
- You live nearby? No.
Up north.
Enemy destroy our village.
We come south.
I guess the military's strategy is to get rid of the kids and the old people first - then the rest of the war'll be easy.
- [Sighs Deeply.]
Off with the green clothes.
On with the white clothes.
I'd love to do something special for B.
J.
, but what? - I don't know.
I never had a wedding anniversary.
- Well, don't look at me.
If we all put our heads together, we ought to be able to come up with something.
But what's the point? Dreams of a banquet only make a starving man all the more hungry and miserable.
- Evening, folks.
- Hi, Colonel.
Charles has this way of getting to the heart of a matter and then sticking a knife in it.
- What's the debate all about? - B.
J.
's wedding anniversary is coming up and everybody who's anybody is trying to figure out a way to make it bearable for him.
Do you have any suggestions, Colonel? No brainstorms right off, but there's time yet.
- Don't forget.
It's a surprise.
- First things first.
We got "l" Corps business to attend to.
A combat unit's been deployed near us.
We need an M.
D.
To give them their sanitation inspection.
- Not my turn.
I went last time.
- I know that, Pierce.
I keep track of these things.
Hunnicutt went before you and you went the time before Hunnicutt.
It seems there's one name conspicuously missing from the list.
Every time it pops to the top, that fellow comes down with some mysterious malady.
- [Burping, Coughing.]
- The Winchester version of yellow fever.
Major, Doc Potter's got just the prescription for what ails you: A nice day in the country.
- Doctor, he will be all right? - He'll be just fine.
- But this leg is gonna keep him here a few days.
- Thank you very much.
I am forever grateful.
I'm sorry, but you can't stay here.
I cannot leave him.
His mother has been killed by enemy soldier.
His father is fighting in army, if he still lives.
He's the boy's next of kin.
Let him stay next to his kin.
- Fine, Doctor.
- [Soon Chi Groans.]
- What was his blood pressure? - 110 over 70, Doctor.
[Speaking Korean.]
- What's he saying? - He asked for his, uh, mouth music? - Mouth a harmonica? - Yes, yes.
Harmonica.
I don't think anyone would object to a little mouth music.
When he awake, I must tell him it was lost when attack came.
- Aw.
- A gift from G.
I.
Only thing he can carry from village to village.
That's tough.
You'd better get some sleep.
You've made your floor; now you oughta lie on it.
Oh, thank you.
[Charles.]
The morning air is crisp and still.
In mere moments, I embark upon a military mission which may mark my final hours on this planet.
Therefore, I leave you with these few parting thoughts.
To my dear father, I grant you power of attorney for the disposition of all my real estate.
To my devoted mother, I bestow upon you my proxy with the single proviso that it never be used to vote for Cousin Alfred.
To my gentle sister Honoria, I bequeath my butterfly collection.
I know you probably don't want it, but Cousin Alfred does.
Farewell, Cape Cod.
Farewell, Harvard Yard.
Farewell, baked scrod.
- Bravo! Bravo! - Yea! - Anthropoid boors.
- What a touching farewell to Cod, Yard and scrod.
Gentlemen, I don't much care for you either, but if you were about to meet your Maker - I could find it in my heart to leave you alone.
- [Yelps.]
Charles, it's only a routine inspection tour.
Pork Chop Hill's already been taken! Ah, and one more thing, Mumsie dearest: If I don't come back alive, I would like to be cremated and have my ashes scattered over Robert Taft.
Colonel, any word from Charles? I'm already an hour into his shift.
Colonel, any word from Charles? I'm already an hour into his shift.
Nope.
I guess his inspection went into overtime.
- How's our little Korean guest doing? - Physically, fine but his spirits could sure use a shot in the arm with a harmonica.
Klinger, that should be right up your alley.
Gee, I don't know.
From what I hear, that's a pretty hot ticket.
Is this the Sultan of Scrounge I hear talking? You've got a tongue that could fertilize 40 acres.
Of course I do.
That kid'll be playing that harmonica before you can whistle "Desert Song.
" [Grumbles.]
- Well, if it isn't the Inspector Major.
- [Grumbles.]
Here.
This is what I risked my life for.
We didn't know if you were late, Charles, or the late Charles.
We thought you'd been shot and were trying to figure out which side did it.
- Hunnicutt, go hurt yourself.
- My, my, Major.
This is quite a report.
I've been to barbecues where the heifer of honor wasn't raked over the coals as bad as this unit.
These people would've been right at home at a barbecue.
They were pigs.
In case you haven't heard, there's a war on.
Nobody's living in the lap of luxury.
Even a man of your personal habits would've been appalled.
The proximity of the mess area to the latrine was scandalous.
The garbage facilities seemed to be anywhere they feel like it.
They live by the credo "Uncleanliness is next to everything.
" You left camp toting an awful big chip on your shoulder.
- You sure you ain't exaggerating just a mite? - Absolutely not.
I made that perfectly clear to the commanding officer, Major Finch.
If you will excuse me, I've had a perfectly revolting day.
I'm gonna go back to my quarters, get out of these grubby clothes and relax.
Sorry, Charles.
You're on duty in post-op.
Is there no just Hunnicutt, dear friend do you think you could find it in your heart to take my shift? - Oh, I have something very important to do.
- Oh, yeah.
What? Go back to my quarters, get out of these grubby clothes and relax.
Of course, we'd dance.
We've always done that.
On our last anniversary, Peg was eight months' pregnant.
Made for some very interesting steps and very little jitterbugging.
I guess that's why it's so tough to miss out on this one.
- Our first anniversary with Erin.
- Yeah, that is tough.
- It's the little things I miss most, you know.
- Like what? Watching Peg give Erin a bath.
Seeing her blow the bubbles off her little hand.
- Why are you asking me this stuff, anyway? - I'm interested.
I've never had an anniversary.
Come to think of it, I've never had a bath.
So come on.
What else would you do? - Where would you eat? - Oh, I don't know.
Little place in Sausalito maybe.
Better still, a candlelight dinner at home.
[Yawning.]
[Whispering, Indistinct.]
Wonderful.
Apost-op pajama party.
- Major Winchester.
- Yes? What is it? Major Finch.
Well, it's comforting to know they're still enforcing the 15-drink limit at the Officers Club.
Well, after that inspection you gave us, I was feelin' pretty rotten.
- I guess I had a few.
- Well, you needn't guess.
There's no doubt about it.
Well, then I got to thinking that I could come over here and get you to reconsider.
I don't think that that rating was fair.
Well, you're absolutely right, but what can I do? There's no number lower than zero.
Doc, I really got on their butts and my men are gonna fix up most of that stuff the way you wanted it.
Splendid.
I'm sure whoever succeeds you as commanding officer will be favored with a much higher rating.
Oh, come on, Major.
It wasn't that bad.
Well, perhaps not to a man who looks at the world through rose-colored eyeballs.
Look.
Why don't you just stagger on back to your compost where you are indeed top of the heap? So that's it, huh? You're gonna be real gung ho about this? - Gung ho? Who? - You, you big bag of wind! Well, I see you are as clever as you are clean.
- Okay.
How does this hit you? - [Yelps.]
[Groans.]
- Come on, you big chicken! Let's see how clever you are! - [Grunts.]
[Snorts.]
- Okay.
- [Grunts.]
Now, don't worry, Charles.
Every clout has a silver lining.
You just put that tooth under your pillow tonight, and by morning the Winchester fortune will have increased by a dime.
- Please shut up, Pierce.
- Oh, yeah? You wanna make me? - Can you just let me bleed in peace? - Or in pieces.
I presume that when your mouth gets back in working order you're gonna press charges against Major Finch? I would just as soon forget the entire sordid incident.
Within the week, I will have my tooth replaced.
That'll be that.
Why, Charles Turning the other lip? Believe me.
I would like nothing better than to be cheerleader at the firing squad following his court-martial.
It would just be too humiliating to explain how the little pip-squeak knocked my block off So what? Being a bouncer in a waterfront dive just isn't your style.
I'm grateful for the feeble attempt to comfort me, Pierce but the significance of this event goes rather deeper than a missing tooth.
What are you talking about? Well, it is one thing to actively seek physical confrontation.
- Yeah.
- It is another matter to shrink from one's own defense.
Tonight I demonstrated nothing more than an acute command of the manly art of self-collapse.
- Aren't you being a little hard on yourself? - Just facing a painful truth.
Shakespeare said it best: "Cowards die many times before their death.
The valiant taste of death but once.
" Begging your pardon, Doctor, but I could not help overhear what you say.
- Perhaps I could be of assistance in this area.
- Ho! Come now, my wizened friend.
What could you possibly do? - [Yells.]
- Oh.
- That is indeed a most impressive trick.
- It is no trick, Major.
It is use of mind in harmony with body.
Are you not familiar with karate? It is most ancient art of self-defense.
- I could teach you first steps in very short time.
- Oh-ho.
That's intriguing, but, alas, I'm a surgeon.
My hands are needed for the saving of lives, not the ha-ha manufacture of kindling.
Aha! Hands are but one weapon on body [Karate Yell.]
Do you, uh, charge by the hour? - Evening, mein Kapitans.
- Evening.
- I'll have a beer.
- Ditto.
Two heads are better than one.
- How goes the harmonica hunt? - So far, nothing but sour notes.
- So, listen, you think it'll rain tomorrow, Beej? - Huh? - You think it'll rain tomorrow? - I really haven't given it much thought.
Why? I don't know.
I've just always liked weather.
Rain can be refreshing.
Sleet can be good too.
Fog is nice.
I understand there's a lot of fog in San Francisco.
Yeah.
Sometimes, in the late afternoon, the fog rolls in, covers the Golden Gate.
Suddenly we're talkin' about San Francisco again.
- How come? - Well, I already know all about my home.
I used to live there a lot.
I just I'm curious about yours.
What do you wanna know? What do you do first thing in the morning? Wha Wait a minute.
Did I miss a step here? You wanna know about my home, so you ask what I do in the morning? Oh, did I say "home"? I'm sorry.
No, I meant the people people in the home.
I mean, what's a home without people? Just a big house with a dog in it.
Don't let me interrupt you.
Go ahead.
What do you do first thing in the morning? I open my eyes.
That is generally followed by yawning and getting out of bed.
Now stop me if this is getting too exciting for you.
- [Hawkeye.]
No, no.
This is great.
What do you do then? - [B.
J.
.]
I go downstairs and Peg pours me a damn cup of coffee and I drink it.
- What difference does it make what I do in the morning? - You're right.
- I've been running that subject into the ground.
Let's drop it.
- Good.
What do you do in the afternoon? [Karate Yell.]
- [Karate Yell.]
- Very good, Major.
- You have learned much in a week.
- Begging the doctor's pardon but you've been acting very strangely ever since you got these snazzy new pajamas.
Klinger, I am dealing with metaphysical matters far beyond your limited scope.
Ooh! Believe me, I plan to keep my scope and the rest of me as far beyond you as possible.
- What are you doing? - At the moment, I'm visualizing my foot totally severing that two-by-four.
- What two-by-four? - I am also visualizing that.
[Karate Yells.]
- Hey, hey.
Who told you you could play through? - Oh, excuse me, Bantam Ben.
I'm afraid I have to report there is no joy or harmonicas in Mudville.
- Lift your feet.
- Mighty Klinger has struck out.
Come on.
How hard can it be to dig up a harmonica? - The only harmonicas here are brought over by G.
I.
s.
- So? The Korean kids love 'em.
They snatch 'em up as fast as they can.
- All of'em? - Well, there are a few in combat units.
- Get one of those.
- Those guys wouldn't give those up without an order or a fight.
What's the big deal about a harmonica? Did you ever try jumping from foxhole to foxhole with a tuba in your pocket? All right.
So who do we know with a little extra muscle in a combat unit? [Charles Karate Yells.]
Well, a major, who shall remain shoeless holds the career of a certain infantry commander in the palm of his hand.
Are you kidding? Major Winchester is not about to ask Finch for a favor.
So who needs Winchester? [Refined Boston Accent.]
And I am sure, my pugnacious Major Finch that you are cognizant that a military tribunal does not look favorably upon the felonious assault of an officer! I think I hurt my tongue.
Of course I plan to press charges! Your pugilistic exhibition was both lugubrious and "sedacious.
" - "Sedacious"? - I just made that up.
What does he know? - I intend to demand the gallows! - Hey, can you do Jimmy Stewart? Reconsider? Reconsider? You must be crazed.
However, now that you've broached the subject there is one thing that could secure your freedom.
I want an harmonica.
You heard me! An harmonica.
If you can't locate one in your unit, look elsewhere.
You have 24 hours.
'Kyou.
Bravo! - Terrific! - Gentlemen.
And let's see.
This goes around under here, and then There is man who strike Major Winchester.
Ah.
Would you folks string along without me for a minute? Major Finch, I'm Major Winchester's associate, Captain Hunnicutt.
- Did you bring the harmonica? - Well, yeah, I did, but it wasn't easy.
That's great.
Major Winchester's busy right now, but I'll be sure he knows you brought it.
Thanks very much.
See you around.
- What's so important about a crummy harmonica? - You just watch.
Soon Chi? Here's a little something for you to play with.
[Grunts Affirmatively.]
Well, go on.
It's not gonna bite back.
[Speaking Korean.]
This is best medicine of all.
- For me too.
- [Clears Throat.]
This means I'm square with Winchester, right? Right.
We appreciate your bringing it.
Consider the noose open and the case closed.
Ah-ha-ha! So you've returned to the scene of the crime, have you? Well, you've played right into my hands, you feisty little pip-squeak.
- This time I'm prepared! - Ooh, Charles, it's okay.
It's okay.
Get out of the way.
I can handle this quite well, thank you.
- I don't understand.
- Of course not.
You came here expecting to see your favorite punching bag cowering in a corner, whimpering, didn't you? - Didn't you? Let's step outside, Mac.
- I don't want any trouble.
- He doesn't want any trouble.
- Of course not.
Not now that you see my entire body is a steel spring ready to unleash the pent-up Oh, hell.
Can you help me with this? Thank you very much.
Pent-up fury of a dozen common men.
[Yells.]
Let me give you just a small sample of what's in store for you.
[Karate Yells.]
[Charles Growls.]
At least I was drunk! What the hell's your excuse? [Yelps.]
Thanks, but no, thanks.
I'm fine.
Thanks, but no, thanks.
I'm fine.
Yeah.
Well, in many countries, anniversaries are celebrated by sitting around throwing darts.
- Come on.
Let me take you to the "O" Club.
I'll buy.
- Nah.
I'll even drink it for you.
Come on.
One lousy drink.
How long are you gonna sit and mope? - Just till I get it right.
- Hey, guys.
We're in for it now.
- [Hawkeye.]
What's the matter? - Oh, it's a long, ugly story.
You know that harmonica Major Finch got us? Well, it seems he stole it from one of his men.
So the guy got ticked off and decided to press charges against Finch.
So Finch claimed that Winchester called him up and blackmailed him.
So "l"Corps called Colonel Potter, who in turn called in Winchester who denied knowing anything about the phone call.
So Potter says, "If you didn't make the phone call, who did? Why am I asking? Get Pierce and Hunnicutt over here right now.
" I knew things were going too well.
Colonel, this is ridiculous.
- Surprise! - Surprise! Hey, everybody, I really appreciate the thought.
It's just that Beej, trust me.
This is not your average, everyday anniversary party.
- Come here.
- I know you'd like to be with the little woman today but that's something we just couldn't pull off.
- So we did the next best thing.
- Please, B.
J.
Have a seat.
- Come on.
- Come on.
- You all set here, Winchester? - Roger, Colonel.
Klinger, lights.
[Projector Whirring.]
[Pegs Voice.]
Hi, darling.
More than anything, I wish we could be together today.
And I know you feel the same.
Your wonderful friends obviously know too.
- So with the help of Dad, some rented equipment - Did we surprise you? And a little tape recording Hawkeye sent me here's how this day might be if you were here.
- [Margaret.]
Isn't she adorable? - [Hawkeye.]
She's gettin'big.
[B.
J.
Narrating.]
Peg's always up first, changing Erin, nursing her.
- Got ya, huh? - Except now she's on regular food.
- I can't believe it's almost a year.
- [Margaret.]
Darling.
- [Hawkeye.]
Hello, Erin.
Hi, baby.
- [Laughter.]
I go downstairs, and Peg pours me a damn cup of coffee and I drink it.
Sometimes, if I close my eyes and think hard enough, I can picture Peg and Erin so clear it's almost like I'm back home.
[Hawkeye Laughs.]
- Look at that face.
! - [Margaret.]
Isn't she darling? Just seeing Peg give her a bath watching her blow the little bubbles offher hand.
[Margaret.]
B.
J.
, she's adorable.
Oh.
After we put Erin to bed, the rest of the evening would belong to us.
Peg would put on her very best dress.
I'd be waiting for her at the bottom of the stairs.
- [Hawkeye On Tape.]
Where would you eat? - [B.
J.
.]
Sausalito, maybe.
Better still, a candlelight dinner at home.
[Peg's Voice.]
Then we'd dance and talk and hold each other.
B.
J.
, I know some film and tape can't actually replace the real thing but this particular anniversary will always be special to me.
Don't be sad, darling.
Even though I can't be with you the thought of you and the love I hear in your voice makes me realize how wonderful it'll be when we're together again.
10,000 miles can never separate us from the love we share.
- Happy anniversary, darling.
- [Mouthing Words.]
All right, son.
Play it the way I taught you.
## ["Anniversary Waltz".]
B.
J.
, I know I'm not Peg, but will I do? ##[Continues.]
- Good-bye, Doctor.
- Good-bye.
- Soon Chi and I will always be grateful.
- You're more than welcome.
You and Soon Chi brought a little sunshine and music into our lives.
- [Whispering.]
- Oh.
Oh-ho-ho! Thank you! Thank you! You have a good trip home now.
[Chuckles.]
- Just a minute.
- Excuse me, Dr.
Puny.
Oh-ho.
Uh, hold on there, fellas.
Let me have a crack at it.
[Karate Yells.]
- You study with Key Yong? - Nope.
I learned that from a mule I once owned.