Men at Work (2012) Episode Scripts

N/A - Devil's Threesome

Bar time, clowns.
Let's go.
Oh, thank God.
I could use a drink.
It's been a rough week.
What are you talking about? You spent most of the week writing fake Wikipedia entries for everyone in the office.
Sounds like someone's still mad they got kicked out of Bell Biv Devoe.
Tyler, you coming to the bar? Two minutes.
I'm just finishing up this article.
Neal, we're going to the bar.
You coming? I can't.
I already told Amy I would go with her to this stupid art exhibit commemorating women's suffrage.
Didn't you do that last week? Apparently, you can't really see it all in one day.
Why are you always going to this stuff? Actually, they have a pretty nice arrangement.
He goes to all her wine tastings and poetry readings, and she does things to his penis that he can't do to himself.
See, he gets it.
The problem is there's so much of that stuff to go to.
I just wish I had some more time to do my own thing.
Like clean out my DVR.
Aim for the stars, buddy.
If I don't start watching my shows soon, the DVR will delete them.
All right, article done.
Let's go.
"10 Things Women Are Really Thinking.
" Did you print the wrong article? No, that's it.
What's so funny? Oh, nothing, just sounds an article that should have been written by, literally, anyone else.
I'm not sure you know one thing a woman is thinking, let alone 10.
How'd you get this assignment? I asked for it.
It didn’t seem fair to keep all this to myself.
Are you even friends with any women? Not to brag, but, yeah.
I have quite a few friends with benefits.
You do know that friends implies that you talk and hang out and actually know things about each other, right? Then, I have quite a few strangers with benefits.
But I know this is a solid article Hey, guys.
And I'll prove it.
You ready to go? Amy, I need woman's perspective on something.
Could you check this out? "10 Things Women Are Really Thinking.
" Wow.
I know, right? Most of this is about yogurt.
Ladies like yogurt.
Literally, anyone else.
Here's an idea.
Why don't the two of you go to the exhibit tonight, and you can give Tyler a woman's perspective? Neal, we were looking forward to this.
Oh, I know, and I hate to miss it, but if those suffragettes taught me one thing, it's that sometimes you have to make a sacrifice to help a friend.
Not what it was about.
I think the article's in pretty good shape.
"Number 8 Every woman loves pirates.
" To be fair, that was supposed to say "Pilates.
" All right, you can go.
Are you sure you're gonna be okay missing this? I'll manage.
You're on notice "Burn Notice.
" Men at Work - 1x03 - "Devil's threesome" Original air date: 31.
So, we spend all night with this guy, buying him drinks and talking about jumping buses on a motorcycle, only to find out later, Evel Knievel's been dead for five years.
So, that's either the night we got conned out of $100 worth of drinks by an Evel Knievel look-alike, or the night we hung out with a ghost.
- Oh, my God.
- You guys are so funny.
I'm gonna run to the bathroom.
Don't go anywhere.
She is amazing.
I bet she's real good at sex.
Well, I will let you know tomorrow.
You'll let me know? Yep.
I think I'll let myself know and then maybe share that information with you.
So you think you can play in the big leagues? I wouldn't expect you to understand this, but she and I actually have a deep, intimate connection.
For the record, I, too, have a pretty deep and intimate connection with, uh Uh, hey You.
Uh, can I get you another drink? Yeah Keri.
Would you like another mojito the drink you first enjoyed on your trip to Cuba Keri? I was thinking maybe we'd go back to my place for a drink.
Let's do it.
Sounds good.
She was talking to me.
You don't even know her name.
It's Teri Mojito.
Yeah, go with that.
Okay, last one, and I know it's a cliché, but I've never gotten a real answer.
Why do women go to the bathroom in groups? Usually tickle fights, but occasionally, we mix in some light scissoring.
I really want to believe that's true.
No, dummy.
We talk.
It can't wait until you get out of the bathroom? You really have that much to say to each other? There's a lot to talk about, like our lives, our relationships.
And then you mock each other.
No, we support each other and tell each other we have a better chance of getting married in our 40s than our 30s, when that's so not true.
That sounds kind of nice.
Most guy talk is just a distraction until you can get a clean shot at his balls.
Isn't it tough to not have anyone you can really talk to? I don't know.
I mean I guess it might be nice to tell someone I've been feeling pretty stressed lately.
Oh, well, you can tell me about it.
Really? Is it okay to do it out here, or do we have to go to the bathroom? This is crazy.
One of us has got to leave if there's even a chance of the other one closing the deal.
I agree.
Good, 'cause I've given this a lot of thought, and I think you should go.
Why should go? Because you owe me.
For what? Uh Slavery? You said we were even after I gave you my Netflix password.
Look, we're both adults, right? I think we can figure out a way to work this out in a mature and responsible matter.
Got it.
We both think of a number between 1 and 100.
The first one to guess the other person's number gets to stay.
That is so stupid.
Did I already say 73? Do you want to come into the bedroom? I'm really feeling 73, man.
Look, Keri, um To be honest, we're not actually sure which one of us you're interested in.
I want both of you.
This is so much better than our Evel Knievel story.
So, you wanna have sex with the both of us.
It's what the French call a threesome.
Or maybe you could have sex with one of us twice? If it makes a difference, I feel like I can do the work of two men.
I'm kind of over the one-on-one sex, and I promised my mom I'd never have three-on-one sex.
I love my mom.
My mom's my best friend.
So, it's either both of you or nothing.
Oh, well.
Let's do this.
What are you doing? Put your shirt back on.
Dude, you heard her.
It's either both or nothing.
She left us no choice.
"Nothing" is a choice.
Not when sex is involved.
If the lady wants a devil's threesome, I say we give her one.
A devil's threesome? Yeah, it's a threesome where the D's outnumber the V's.
If you prefer, we can call it a "Berduda Triangle.
" It's not the name I have a problem with.
Come on, do you see this girl? She's a freak, and she's hot.
And she's a freak.
You won't even know I'm in there.
Gibbs, I've heard the sounds you make while enjoying a good sandwich.
I'm gonna know you're in there.
What if we come up with some ground rules? I am not a drunk girl on prom night.
You're not gonna talk me into this.
I'm waiting.
Let's talk ground rules.
Rule one, no eye contact.
With her or Huh? Why wouldn't we make eye contact with her? These rules are just for you and me.
Got it.
Number two, no kissing.
Kind of thought that one went without saying.
What if one of us is done before the other? You mean you? No, like either of us.
Yeah, like me.
You leave.
But we came together.
Which reminds me, I got another rule.
All right.
Let's do this.
That's my drink.
Dude, you're gonna have to get over that real fast.
And, then, on another episode of "Hoarders," this guy had so many wigs that he had to buy a second house.
I mean, these people have serious problems.
They have problems? You have 50 episodes of "Hoarders" saved on your DVR.
Had 50 episodes so, anyway, after the wig guy Okay, you have to stop.
I can't keep listening to you recap TV shows.
Sorry, normally, I do it with Amy, but she was out with Tyler last night, and it really messed up my system.
I spent 10 minutes this morning talking to a homeless guy about "Castle.
" Oh, what a night.
How did the article turn out? Who cares about the article? I had one of the best times of my life last night.
Neal, Amy is amazing.
What? Did you have sex with her? It was better than sex, and we only used our mouths.
What's happening? Tyler, please tell Neal that you did not sleep with his girlfriend.
We just talked all night.
She helped me get in touch with my emotions.
I got to say, I feel like a weight's been lifted off my chest.
Wow, maybe we should all start sharing our emotions with each other.
We totally should.
I'll go first.
I feel like, instead of waxing, you should start shaving your vagina.
Hey, hey, Gibbs.
Hey, guys.
What's up, Gibbs? Sit down.
You know what? Uh, I'll just bring over a chair.
So, how'd you two make out last night? What?! We did not make out! That's a weird question, Neal.
Why why are you so weird? Oh, my God.
You two had a devil's threesome.
You told him? No, but I think they know now.
Wait, I was right? See? I'm so much more attuned to people's emotions now.
For instance, you're feeling insecure because you put on some weight.
It's like 3 pounds.
Here, just show us what happened.
Use these, all right? Gibbs is the salt.
Milo's the pepper.
Go ahead.
Okay, so We got to her building.
Uh, Gibbs walked in first really beautiful lobby.
Wait, did Gibbs walk in first? No, no, I I walked in first because Gibbs was paying for the cab.
Oh, my God.
How are you making a threesome story boring? You know what? I just remembered I got an important Photographer thing, so I'll talk to you guys later.
This omelet needs more Gibbs.
Uh Are we good? Yeah, we're good.
I'm good.
You're good.
It's all good.
Okay, 'cause, you know, it's nothing to be embarrassed about.
It happens to a lot of guys.
Well, it doesn't happen to me.
It was probably just something you ate.
You know, the body is a real mystery.
Even scientists don't understand the way it works.
I have been eating a lot of soy lately.
If it makes you feel any better, I really picked up the slack in there.
That does not make me feel better.
Would it help if I told you we could barely hear you yelling at your penis in the bathroom? It would not.
Good, 'cause that's pretty much all we could hear.
And you have to tell Shelly that her passive-aggressive comments aren't helping the situation.
She's just trying to make herself feel better by making you feel worse.
So, that doesn't make a whole lot of sense.
Yeah, it's weird.
Hanging out with Amy all the time is starting to rub off on him.
Did you know they're talking about opening a bakery together? This is really good for you.
Tyler's doing all the boyfriend-y stuff you didn't want to do.
Now, you have all the DVR time you want.
Oh, yeah, on paper, I am living the dream, but I got to tell you cleaning out your DVR isn't as rewarding as you'd think.
I bet it's exactly as rewarding as I'd think.
Amy, what are you doing here? Oh, I came to pick up Tyler.
He's going with me to this charity event.
Oh, okay.
You didn't want to take me? Well, I only invited him because I didn't think you'd want to go.
Oh, no, it's fine.
I just haven't seen you much, and it made me realize that doing something lame with you is better than doing anything without you, and when I say lame, I don't mean lame.
I mean not fun, or what some people traditionally think of as not fun.
You know, I'm gonna give you a pass on that because the sentiment is sweet.
You ready to go? Oh, Tyler, um, would you be okay if I brought Neal tonight instead? Uh Kind of short notice.
Well, it's just that you and I no, no, it's fine.
You need your alone time.
I sort of got in a big fight with my mom today, but I'll figure it out.
Yeah, we're gonna we're gonna go.
Have fun with your fat boyfriend.
So, the focus is soft.
What's wrong with that? It's not the end of the world.
You know, you take hundreds of pictures with perfect focus.
Then, you go soft one time, and that's the only thing people remember.
Huh?! Oh, whoa, hey, calm down.
You're insensitive.
Look You got to get over this, okay? Nobody thinks that you're bad in bed except for one girl And probably all of her friends.
Man, if there's anything I can do Have another threesome with me.
I think the focus on this looks rock hard.
I don't think having other threesome is the answer.
I don't know what else to do.
I'm in bad shape, man.
It hasn't moved in days.
I think it's dead! Maybe it's just resting.
Come on.
You have to do this for me.
I need a chance to redeem myself.
So, go have sex with her.
You don't need me there.
Yes, I do.
If I'm gonna get through this, I need your support.
And also, I asked her.
She won't have sex with me unless you're there.
Gibbs, it was a one-time thing, okay? I crossed it off my bucket list, along with learning magic.
Not bad, huh? Fine if you won't do it for me, do it for all the kids out there looking up at the stars and imagining the day they get to have sex with one of their best friends and some random girl.
Okay, I'll do it.
Yes! Thank you.
It's not for you.
It's for the kids.
She just ditches me the second her boyfriend shows up.
Who does that? Certainly not the kind of person I want to open a bakery with.
So, do you, or do you not have a girlfriend? That's what I want to know.
I'm sorry.
You don't want to hear about this.
The point is you're single.
I'm single.
I've been single my whole life, probably has something to do with my mother.
Like, today, she leaves me this message and you know what? It's better if you hear it.
Now, it's not what she says, but how she says it.
What the hell is wrong with you? I don't know.
What the hell is wrong with me? Tyler, what are you doing here? You did this to me.
You broke some type of emotional dam inside of me, and now, the inmates are running the asylum.
It's also affecting your metaphors.
Look who stopped eating long enough to talk.
I'm sorry.
See? I'm lashing out.
Take a deep breath.
Your brain is just getting used to processing all the emotions you've been ignoring.
Oh, my God.
You see me.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
God, that reminds me of this dream I had starring guess who mom.
Could I get a glass of Chardonnay? Hey, Tyler, I don't know if now is really the best honey, can I get this one? Mm-hmm.
Ow, that don't even think about telling me how that made you feel.
Look, I think it's great that you're getting in touch with your emotions, but the idea is to make you a better man, not a "Real Housewife of New York.
" Watched and deleted, by the way.
Good for you.
Look, sensitivity is like a spice.
If you sprinkle it, it makes you more interesting.
If you just dump it all over the place, you'll never become "The Iron Chef.
" Also gone.
Okay, okay, so you're saying sensitivity in moderation Yeah, yeah, it's like in "Deadliest Catch" when the honey, read a book.
I got it.
I got it.
I'm sorry for barging in like this.
I'll let you enjoy your evening.
So, you're good? Yeah, yeah.
Come here.
Yeah, he's good.
I'm back, baby.
Let's get some pancakes over here, and I'm buying because you went back in the trenches with me.
Well, you know, that's what friends are for.
Actually, no it's not.
That's what random people you meet on Craigslist are for.
But whatever.
I'm just glad that you're back.
Oh, I'm back.
But I got to admit It started off rough, but do you know what turned it around? It was the moment when what's her name? Helen.
You've had two threesomes with her.
Learn her name.
When Keri reached out and held my hand, it was like a shock of sexual electricity going through my body.
You know, it's funny.
She must really love holding hands 'cause she was holding my hand the whole time, too.
But Well, how was she holding both of our hands if she was also doing all that other stuff with her hands? Well, either she has more hands than a regular person, or No! No way! I would have known if it was your hand.
Let me see.
Damn it.
Why are they so soft? I'm a writer, and I moisturize.
You know, I don't know why you think this is so funny.
You were holding my hand, too.
Yeah, but I'm not the one who "felt a shock of sexual electricity.
" You know what? Let's just move past this and agree to never talk about it again.
Deal? You'd like that, wouldn't you? It's not funny.
My eyes are up here.
See? Isn't this nice? The four of us sitting here talking about life over a bottle of wine.
Tyler, we talked about this moderation.
I know.
I just feel that our group could benefit from a more balanced approach.
You know what I could benefit from? Those girls at the bar.
It's not about women.
It's about us.
I don't get it.
So, we're just supposed to be talking with no purpose? The purpose is to share our lives.
For instance, Milo, how was your day? You know how it was.
I was with you all day.
What about you, Neal? Do I hear wedding bells in your future? This is a nightmare.
I'm gonna go talk to those girls.
And I'm gonna go talk to some different girls.
I don't need you guys.
Oh, God, who am I kidding? This sucks! I want a beer and her