Men at Work (2012) Episode Scripts

N/A - Toilet of Eden

What else, what else, what else.
I'm sorry.
You've got to go, candle.
"but why? I'm brand-new.
And I make the room smell like lavender.
" I know you do.
But lisa bought you, And I am de-lisa-fying the place.
Say hello to spanx.
And eight different kinds of conditioner For some reason.
The kingdom of milo is now Perfect.
So, that's why I'm wet.
Men at work S01E05 And if you want to watch a dvd, you hit input twice, Then pause, then info Which doesn't make a lot of sense, But it works, so don't mess with it.
Got it.
Again, thank you for letting me crash here.
Till my place gets fixed.
Come on, I was happy you asked.
This'll be fun.
I've actually never lived with anyone before.
Not even in college? Well, funny story My freshman roommate attempted suicide.
So Input twice.
Got it.
Come on.
I'll show you the kitchen.
This is the cabinet where I keep all the takeout menus, Which doesn't close all the way 'cause there's something wrong with it.
And that's pretty much the kitchen.
That stove looks brand-new.
Do you do takeout every night? You make it sound so sad.
I have a menu wheel.
Anything can happen.
Well, strange things can happen.
All right.
I think I got it.
I want you to be comfortable.
My house is your house.
Thank you.
Except for one thing My bathroom you are not to use it.
This is the guest bathroom.
Your bathroom.
My bathroom is through here.
Think of it as the forbidden fruit.
In the garden of eden that is my apartment.
So, use your bathroom whenever I want.
Hey, guys, you got to see something before neal gets here.
Is it that weird porn where people dress up as animals.
And have sex with each other? Because I am not familiar with that.
So, check it out Yesterday, I had to shoot that new hotel, the rotterdam, And when I looked at the proofs, I saw this.
This is going to blow your mind.
That lobby is beautiful.
Is that zebrawood? It's not the lobby! It's something the lobby.
Flowers? Orchids? Those are tricky to grow.
Ladies Look there.
Is that Yes, it's amy walking arm-in-arm.
With some dude who isn't neal.
A very good-looking dude.
Who is pulling off the "sunglasses indoors" thing.
Grudging respect, dickhead.
Guys, it's amy.
She's not cheating on neal.
It kind of looks that way.
It wouldn't be a total surprise.
I mean, I love him, but they're a bit of a mismatch.
Yeah, a scale of 1 to 10 points, They got to be, what, 3 apart? Exactly.
And only billy joel.
Can consistently cover a 3-point spread.
Gentlemen, it's just a picture.
He's right.
Don't say anything to neal until we know more.
Why would I? Because it's a secret.
And you're you.
I'm great with secrets.
Tell that to gay jerry.
Or, as we used to call him, jerry.
I told tyler when he move in that this hinge is broken, But he never called.
Only you.
Pavel, my friend, you are good.
I don't know what you did back in latvia, But I'm sure you're way overqualified for this.
I was building superintendent.
So move was pretlateral.
Tell me have you seen it? Seen what? Tyler's bathroom? No, I have not.
You should.
Particularly Toilet! You know, uh, pavel, Toilets aren't such a big deal here in america.
Is more than toilet.
Come on.
Is like sitting on god's lap.
Seriously, pavel, I mean, no toilet Has ever been so magnificent! I was here when they installed it.
Heated seat, massage, Water jets Mp3 player.
I tore off a corner of the box.
It's now on wall next to picture of the pope.
You must try it.
I can't.
Why not? I promised tyler that I wouldn't use his bathroom.
So you promised to be half a man? To never know true happiness? Agh! I have to go snake average toilet.
I am sorry to lose my temper with you.
It's just that I would like to live in a world.
Where men like us can sit on a toilet like that.
"Men like us"? Amy! Hey, gibbs.
How are you doing? Honestly? I'm feeling like we haven't caught up in a while.
What have you been up to? Oh.
Uh, let's see work's good.
Uh, I started pilates.
And my mom had an mri, which was kind of scary no, no, no, no, no.
I mean, like What have you been up to recently? Like, yesterday, say, early afternoon? Early afternoon? Uh-huh, uh-huh.
I'm fascinated by how people.
Spend their dead time after lunch.
Well, I Was at a movie.
Really? Ah.
In the middle of the day? What movie? It was a french one.
You wouldn't know it.
Hey, babe.
You ready for lunch? Yes! Sure.
I was just catching up with gibbs.
We got very caught Up.
Now mice can't get in! And if they're in, they can't get out.
Either way, tyler 1, mice nothing! Check this out.
Ta-da! Holy crap.
I kind of want to blow off my date.
And just keep pushing this button all night.
But I do like having sex, and this is just a button.
What is that noise? Huh? Oh, that's my upstairs neighbor.
He's either a big guy with hardwood floors.
Or a giant spider in work boots.
I'll see what I can do about that.
Milo, you're my guest.
You don't have to fix everything.
I mean, the closet door does squeak, But you're not made of oil.
I'll see you later.
See you, man.
Hello, tyler.
Hello, toilet.
That breakfast was insane.
It was like a vegas buffet but without the regret.
I didn't even know I had all this stuff.
Well, that's because I found your spatulas.
In a box marked "flippy things" And your pans in a drawer marked "shields.
" I live alone.
Who am I cooking for? What if your date slept over? French-press coffee and a scoop of yogurt.
In a bowl of perfectly sliced strawberries.
I got it from that article we ran "five-minute breakfast in bed.
" You wrote that article.
Life's a loop sometimes.
Head to work? Uh, you know what? I'll meet you there.
I'm just gonna clean up this stuff.
Oh, I can help.
Oh, please.
I made the mess.
I got it.
We've got to stop doing this.
I don't know what to do.
I swore I wouldn't do it again, But I just couldn't stop myself.
And I know it should have felt wrong, But it just felt so Right.
Just to be clear, we are talking about a toilet? You sound like I did yesterday.
So naive.
Look, if you can't stop using tyler's toilet Which still seems weird to me, but whatever Then you have to come clean.
Just tell him what's going on.
Are you kidding? He will kill me! He'll kill us both! Or or maybe he won't.
Maybe he'll say you can share it.
There are all kinds of arrangements these days.
It could be very european.
Maybe you're right.
I'll tell him tonight.
Anything's better than living this lie.
Seriously, it's just a toilet, right? Your ignorance sickens me.
Hey, neal, I need to talk to you about something, And it's kind of serious.
It would be awesome if it was about the work I have to do.
Yeah, uh I don't know how to start I mean, when two of your friends live together.
And one of them is basically cheating on the other one Oh, I know all about this.
You do? Yeah, milo just told me.
It's really not a big deal.
I'm kind of surprised that's how you're playing it.
Oh, come on, gibbs.
Dudes can share.
It's like I just told milo In europe, they wouldn't even think twice about it.
They'd be like, "oh, your ass and my ass have been in the same place?" Who cares? "Who cares?" you! You should care! Why should I care that milo is using Tyler's toilet? No, I'm talking about amy cheating on you.
What? Look.
It's right here.
Is that zebrawood? No! There! Okay.
Who is that guy with amy? I know, I know.
If it's any consolation, he is very good-looking.
Why would that be a consolation? Well, it's got to feel a little better.
Knowing that you been with a girl.
Who can get a guy like that.
It's like, it's better to lose her.
To ryan gosling than ryan reynolds Bad example.
They're both stunning.
We don't know that anything happened.
But I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.
Okay, ryan Philippe.
Seacrest? Damn.
Are there no ugly ryans? I have wanted to order from this place for months, But I never called because the minimum is 30 bucks, Which is no problem if you're ordering for two! Um, listen, tyler, I-I need to talk to you about Wait.
Are we not hearing a team of smart horses counting upstairs? We are not, because I got your neighbor a pair of slippers.
Nice guy little confused by the free slippers, but He's wearing them.
You know what you get for that? Best roommate pound.
Yeah, I don't feel right taking that pound.
I know why.
I don't think you do.
'Cause I've never lived with anyone before, So how wouldknow you're the best? Unh-unh.
It's because I'm not done yet.
I don't want you to keep guessing.
'cause I was actually gonna tell you something.
Before you got me on this whole guessing thing.
But I really need to tell you that Yeah, but I'm already, like, most of the way into mine.
Look, milo, until a few days ago, I would have said that the way I live is perfect.
You've told me that like 30 times.
You're just a little interrupting machine, aren't you? But now I see that maybe it wasnperfect, Because living with you has been kind of great.
So, if you're interested, I'd like you to stick around for good.
Now, what were you gonna say? I was going to tell you that I Could make a frittata tomorrow instead of pancakes, If you like.
I'm just gonna need your biggest shield.
Best roommate pound.
Any idea why neal just left the building.
Humming "eye of the tiger"? poor guy.
He's going to the hotel.
To see if anyone knows anything about amy and sunglasses dude.
You told him? See? You can't keep a secret! Okay.
This whole "gibbs can't keep a secret" thing.
Is not a real thing.
I don't just run around talking about stuff.
Like, I haven't told you that Milo's been using your toilet.
What? What? Coming, tyler! Hi, there.
Welcome to the rotterdam.
How may I help you? I'm sure you see tons of people around here, But is there any chance you recognize this couple? Oh, sure.
They've been in a few times.
Don't know anything about them.
They go upstairs for an hour or so, And then they come back down.
I'm gonna ask you to take another look at this photo.
And see if you can be a little less specific.
Tyler! You home? sweet.
Hello, milo.
Oh, great! It's you.
I heard a noise back here, so I came to check it out.
With a magazine? Uh Yeah.
Because, you know, you could cut someone with the paper, Or you could roll it up like a bat.
It's kind of the, uh, swiss army knife of reading material.
Anyhow, I should be leaving this room I've actually Never been in.
As long as you're here, why don't you try my toilet? Oh.
Pbht! I think we both know I'm not supposed to do that, so Today you get a free pass.
Ah, come on sit on my toilet, you son of a bitch! Hello, milo.
I'll pack my things.
So, the seaweed wrap that's a total scam, right? Between you and me, most of the seaweed is just radicchio.
There's your guy.
He's very good-looking.
Well, he's ugly on the inside.
Well, he's handsome on the outside.
Gibbs, he's here.
With amy? No, someone else.
This bastard is cheating on my girlfriend.
So, what are you gonna do? I'm gonna confront him.
I may even fight him.
Neal Have you ever been in a fight? Does a slap fight with your niece count? Is that when you detached your retina? Just tell me how to win.
All right, the key is, get in the first punch.
And if you can get in the second and third, That'd be good, too.
The first is key.
Got it.
Sure you do.
Most great boxers learn how to fight on the phone.
Go get him, champ.
Hey, gibbs.
Is neal around? No.
He is not.
Do you know where he is? Yes.
I mean, no.
I mean, I might.
I might know where he is, but I might not tell you.
Because that's the kind of guy I would like to be Secretive.
Gibbs, where is he? He's at the rotterdam hotel, okay? Confronting the guy you're having an affair with, Who apparently is there with another woman.
So, burn! What are you talking about? I was there the other day.
I got a photo of you arm-in-arm with him mr.
Oh, for god's sakes! Gibbs, that's ryan.
Of course that's his name.
No, he's the piano player.
I hired him for a surprise party I'm throwing for neal.
It's the two-year anniversary of us moving in together.
So why didn't you tell me? Because it's a surpriparty, and you can't keep a secret! Okay.
Fine! But why were you and ryan at the hotel? Because I rented a suite for the party.
He needed to check it out.
Did he also need to walk arm-in-arm with you? Yes, because ryan is blind.
We should go.
I need to talk to you.
Do I know you? Sort of.
I'm Amy's boyfriend.
you're neal.
looks like I'm busted.
Yeah, you are.
First punch! Ohh! Didn't even break the glasses.
Was it all for the toilet? Hello, tyler.
The cooking and the fixing things.
And the dealing with the neighbor Was it all because you felt guilty? No.
Well, maybe a little.
But, you know, I would have done that stuff anyway, Because that's what you do when you live together You know, you share and you help.
I'm trying to find a dude way to say this, but I think living with you would make me a better me.
You dnot find a dude way of saying that.
What do you say you move back in? Seriously? You just have to promise.
Never use my toilet again.
You're not gonna be able to keep that promise, are you? Not a chance.
You lost a fight with a blind guy? I got the first punch in.
I didn't know it was coming.
It doesn't matter who won the fight.
Neal lost.
It doesn't matter! Knowing that even after two years of living together, You still have so much passion for me it's hot.
I would fight a bear for you.
and lose.
I will kill you.
Does this look as gross as it sounds? Let's just say I'm pretty jealous of you right now.
Neal, how could you ever think I'd cheat on you? I have a theory.
No, you don't.
What? She comes off great in it.
I think, perhaps, there's a bit of a looks spread.
Between you guys, and deep down, neal is aware of it.
That is ridiculous.
Neal has no reason to be insecure about his looks.
He is a sexy beast.
Ryan? Wow.
They're like 3 apart.
Hey, tyler? Yes, milo? I really got to thank you for convincing me.
To spend my insurance money on another one of these toilets.
You bet! Okay, I got a good one for you.
Are you ready? Hit me.
First, heat the seat, Then do cold jet back, cold jet front, then warm air.
Ow! ohh! Ohhhh.