Men at Work (2012) Episode Scripts

N/A - Uncle Gibbs

Am I gonna get made fun of for ordering the spinach salad with low-cal vinaigrette? I think you know.
I'll take the pulled-pork sandwich.
That comes with fries or fruit.
I think you know.
Fries, please.
And actually, I'd like to change my burger to a spinach salad.
You want ranch or low-cal vinaigrette? I think you know.
Thank you.
Clear out your Friday night, boys.
My sister's kid, Donald, is coming to town, and Uncle Gibbs wants to go big.
Didn't we agree no more referring to yourself as "Uncle Gibbs"? That doesn't like something Uncle Gibbs would agree to.
What brings Donald to New York? He's in town for his med-school interview at Columbia.
He's such a smart little dude.
So he wants to go to Columbia? It's between there and Harvard, so he's gonna visit both to see which city he likes more.
Doesn't your brother live in Boston? He does.
Your really fun brother who you once overheard us saying we like more than you? The same.
- Your brother - I only have one brother, Neal.
So we just got to make sure Donald has more fun with me than him.
Seems pretty unlikely.
Yeah, your brother is awesome.
Your parents are lucky to have him.
What about me? Yeah.
You're lucky, too.
What? Milo, we're getting ready for a big night out, and you seem to have accidentally put a vest on.
It's no accident.
Are you aware that our group already has a vest guy and it's me? I know it's not my usual thing, but you have to admit I look pretty damn good.
You look like my aunt Vivian, except her beard's Fuller.
Milo, the trick to pulling off a vest is not looking like a lesbian Blackjack dealer.
Sounds like someone's jealous of the group's new vest guy.
Wassup, Tyler, Neal, old-timey train conductor.
- There he is.
- Dr.
Well, I'm not a doctor yet.
Hey, doc, you're a man of science.
What do you think about my vest? Oh, well, I think I can't wait to see you saw your assistant in half.
The doctor is in your face.
I will have you all know this vest was purchased at a very exclusive thrift store that gets most of its clothing from famous people.
Like Bilbo Baggins? The odds are a celebrity owned this vest, and they probably put their pocket watch away right here.
Hey, that's Jay-Z's club.
Oh, my God.
Do you know what this means? That's not Jay-Z I'm wearing Jay-Z's vest! All right, let's get moving.
We've got a big night ahead of us.
I don't know about you guys, but I'm planning on getting jiggy with it tonight.
That's Will Smith.
Felt wrong as I said it.
D's still passed out in the tub with a big smile on his face.
I don't know how it happened, but I think we may have outdone your brother last night.
Gibbs, did I dream this, or did you ride a police horse? Police dog.
Big one.
What happened to Milo last night? I think we lost him when that bachelorette party challenged us to a chug relay.
How did we lose? They were drinking out of those tiny penis straws.
Those seemed tiny to you? Morning, boys.
Where'd you disappear to last night? You missed an insane time.
I was gonna call you from this crazy yacht party I was at, but I didn't 'cause I was at this crazy yacht party.
You went to a yacht party? Well, it was more of a high-end hang sesh on Fleming's boat with a billionaire oil tycoon, a Latin pop star, and a cat I'm told is very famous in Japan.
How'd this happen? Who is Fleming? You met Maru-San, the laughing cat? It was insane Dare I say the kind of night Jay-Z might have.
Oh, God.
I'm on my way home, but because of the vest, this limo driver mistook me For another limo driver? For the person he was supposed to take to Fleming's yacht party.
Who is Fleming?! Clearly, he is Maru-San's American benefactor.
Everybody who is anybody was there.
Was Jay-Z there? He was, Gibbs.
He was.
Was the actual Jay-Z there? He was not.
- My nephew! - Oh, oh! Okay, that is way too loud.
Don't worry about it, D.
You'll have plenty of time to take it easy when you get to Boston for your Harvard interview.
You know what? I'm thinking about skipping that.
After last night, my mind is made up.
Hear that? He picked me.
We're gonna have the best time, D.
Now, all you got to do is nail that interview to make it official.
You know what? I'm thinking about blowing that interview off.
What? Uncle Gibbs, I'm not really feeling the whole "being a doctor" thing anymore.
All righty, well, I'm gonna go change for breakfast.
I know you're upset that your nephew just threw his life away because of you But if we don't get to the diner, like, now, we are not gonna get our booth.
Oh, God.
Gotta go.
Not going to med school.
You're still drunk.
You need some coffee.
I don't need coffee.
I need Advil.
Hear that? You're a natural doctor! Come on, man! You've been working for this your whole life.
Exactly and last night was the first night I can remember that I actually had fun.
I'm not gonna waste another four years going to school.
Don't forget the three to five years of residency.
But I hear those fly by.
Anyone else's toast burnt? Mine's a delicious golden brown You know, because of Jay-Z's lucky vest.
Excuse me.
Family crisis here.
Jay-Z's lucky vest says, "stay in school.
" Uncle Gibbs, do you really want me to do something I don't want to do for the rest of my life? Do you really want your mother to kill me when she finds out about this?! Come on, man, you've always wanted this.
That's because I never tried anything else.
And last night made me realize there's a lot to try out there.
Hey, isn't the lumberjack supposed to come with two pancakes? Milo, please.
Well, it's just they gave me three You know, because of the vest.
It's pretty cool.
Dude, you're not gonna believe what the vest did this time.
Can you please stop saying the vest did stuff? I'll stop saying it when the vest stops doing it.
So, I'm on my way home from a movie.
You went to a movie without me? - It was a documentary.
- Okay, gotcha.
I hail a cab.
I hop in.
It's the cash cab! No way! Did you win?! I did not.
Did you know that a group of unicorns - is known as - A blessing.
That's a thing a lot of guys know.
I got to take this vest to Atlantic city.
Okay, you know what? That's it, man.
I am gonna show you once and for all that there's no such thing as a lucky vest.
Give me that thing.
By "that thing," do you mean my lucky vest? Okay, now, when you see that nothing happens, do you promise that you will stop I was supposed to deliver these to apartment 713, but [Chuckles] there is no 713.
Do you want them? I know it's a lot of muffins.
This is my last delivery, so I could hang out and help you eat them.
Holy crap! Neil, quick question If you knock someone out with chloroform, how soon will that person be able to participate in, say, a Columbia med school interview? Gibbs, you can't kidnap your nephew.
Pretty sure if it's family, it's not considered kidnapping.
Yes, it is.
Every time.
Gibbs, he doesn't want to be a doctor.
He doesn't know what he wants.
I'm not gonna let him throw away his life because he had one fun night in New York City.
I just got to get him to go to that interview.
Well, then, you need to remind Donald why he wanted to be a doctor in the first place.
Got it.
While you sneak up behind him Gibbs, we're not using chloroform.
Dude, this vest should be illegal.
You know that janitor who hates me? Gus? I have 99 problems, and Gus isn't one.
He just invited me to Easter brunch with his family.
The vest strikes again.
You're not going to that brunch, are you? Oh, no.
You know, I think I'm gonna take the vest out and go buy me some winning lottery tickets.
Ooh, I was just about to take the vest - to my hair appointment.
- Oh.
My usual technician is out of town.
The stakes are high.
Well, you're welcome to use it when I bring it back.
I'm sorry.
That was wrong of me.
Gibbs, I have an amazing plan to deal with the Donald problem.
Is it better or worse than your plan to salvage sunken treasure from the east river? Totally different.
And we dive next spring, with or without you.
All right, what's your plan? Okay, Donald's coming by to meet you for lunch later, right? When he gets here, I'm going to accidentally eat a peanut-butter granola bar.
Aren't you allergic to peanuts? Just a little.
But Donald doesn't know that.
When my face starts to swell and I break out in hives, it will look like I'm dying.
That's when I pull out my epipen.
You pretend you don't know what it is.
I don't know what that is.
It'll be even more believable that way.
Now, when you're panicking, Donald'll grab the epipen, inject me with it, and "save my life," making him realize that he wants to be a doctor just in time for his interview.
Genius, huh? It's simple.
It's it's elegant.
It's stupid.
This sounds dangerous to me, and I'm the one who wanted to use chloroform.
It's a minor skin reaction.
You really think that I would risk my life when I am this close to $70 million in Spanish doubloons? What are you doing? - Where's the vest? - What do you mean? I put it on your chair at the office.
You mean the chair that has no vest on it? What are you saying? You think I stole the vest? - Did you? - I didn't steal anything.
How do I know you're not wearing it right now? Because it's not invisible.
Maybe you're wearing it underneath your shirt.
That's insane Or it's exactly what you're doing.
Are you saying I'm double-tricking you? That's exactly what I'm saying.
I just didn't know there was an official term for it.
Tyler, I don't have time for this, okay? So on the count of three, we both take off our shirts.
- I'm not gonna do it.
- Me neither.
Look, I'm not wearing the vest.
I'm not wearing the vest.
Okay, well, if neither of us has it Then who does? Not that I'm not confident in the plan, but Milo's lucky vest is gonna put us over the top.
You do realize it's just a regular old vest? A regular old luckyvest.
All right, he's coming.
All right, you ready to go to lunch? Aw, I wish I could join you guys, but I'm just going to have this granola bar.
Come on, man.
Got a busy afternoon.
Going to a med-school interview? Oh, yeah, that was today.
No, I'm just gonna hit the Guggenheim, take a walk in Central Park, and maybe find that piano from "Big.
" Oh, no.
Are there peanuts in this? Your allergy Your serious peanut allergy.
Looks like it's the end of the road for old Neil.
No, no, there must be some way to deal with this serious medical issue.
Someone take this epipen and save my life.
I'm too panicked.
It's up to you, D.
Uncle Gibbs, I don't know how to use this thing.
But you've been trained.
You're pre-med.
Yes, I'm pre-med.
The training comes during med.
Gibbs, I think I need some help over here.
I'm loving the voice thing, but give yourself somewhere to Good God! How are you doing that? Throat's closing.
I think my allergy may have gotten worse.
W-what do I do? I need that freaking epipen! Aah! Milo, I found the vest! So, what does epinephrine feel like? It just makes you a little jittery.
Also, I'm pretty sure I can lift a truck over my head right now.
Uh, the nurse said Donald's okay.
They just want to observe him, make sure he doesn't have a concussion.
Thank God.
Did they say anything about the vest? I'm afraid not.
What about Neil? I didn't ask.
But he won't stop texting me, so I have to assume he's okay.
Guys, am I the worst uncle ever? I have an uncle that used to make me dress up in No, you're not the worst.
Look, man, you were just trying to help Donald.
And, sure, you insisted on taking him out and showing him a good time, and if you hadn't done that, he'd probably be on the way to his interview right now, but Huh.
I thought this was headed somewhere different.
There's got to be some way I can fix this.
His interview starts in 20 minutes.
He's not gonna make it.
Or will he? Nope.
Pretty sure he won't.
Good afternoon.
I am Donald Hughes, all-American college kid with a dream.
Doctor, doctor Lady doctor.
Now, let's get this interview started.
So, once they drained the fluid from my legs, it was like night and day.
Doctor said I should be back to normal by the end of the week.
So you just let them cut the vest right off you? I was in and out of consciousness.
But when you were awake, you never thought to say, "hey, this vest has buttons"? I think the important thing is that I'm okay.
Yeah, sure.
Welcome back.
Where's Gibbs? Now, do I think that I'll single-handedly cure cancer? Of course not.
But I'd be surprised if I wasn't an important part of the team that finally gets the job done.
Why do I want to come to Columbia? Why wouldn't I want to come to Columbia? Next question.
What do I think about the new study on drug-resistant bacteria? I love it.
Next question.
What do I want to specialize in? Now, I'm sure everyone says breast augmentation, but I'm gonna say pediatric Breast augmentation.
Doctors that have influenced me? Oh, there's so many Oz Seuss Dre Dolittle, evil, Pepper, Huxtable.
You guys know I'm not Donald, don't you? I'll show myself out.
Pepper? Why didn't you just say your doctor? Oh, right.
- How you feeling, D? - I'm fine, Uncle Gibbs.
Now, you're still gonna want to keep an eye on him.
I'm sorry, do I know you? I was at your yacht party the other night.
We split a Magnum of champagne.
We figured out our grandfathers went to the same high school.
I was wearing the vest.
Oh, vest guy! I didn't recognize you without it.
You know, I'm having a thing at my place in the Hamptons this weekend.
You should come.
Oh, I will be there.
But wear that vest.
That thing's awesome.
Fleming, you're needed in the E.
That's my cue.
Donald, I'm glad you're all right.
I can't believe I tried to trick you into going to med school Do whatever you want.
I want to go to med school.
What? Dr.
Fleming reminded me why I wanted to be a doctor.
I saw the guy save three lives while I was back there.
Who wouldn't want to do that? I thought you were gonna say it's because he throws big parties on his yacht.
Well, that doesn't hurt.
I guess I should call Columbia and see if they'll let me reschedule my interview.
We'll let them know first thing in the morning.
They've had a long day.
Oh, Milo, you're gotta thank Fleming for getting D another shot at Columbia.
He just killed his interview.
I would, but he stopped returning my calls.
It's like he can hear I'm not wearing the vest.
Toast burnt? Yeah.
Yours? Yeah.
Damn, Neil.
Yours is toasted perfect.
Look at that.
Looks like they gave you extra bacon, too.
Guess so.
That a new jacket? Yeah, it is.
Amy got it for me.
Where's it from? Who owned it before you? Guys, leave him alone.
Gibbs, mind your own business.
Let me try on your jacket, Neil.
No way.
It's my lucky jacket.
Guess it's not that lucky.
Yeah, I don't want to try it on anymore.
Okay, this is ridiculous.
There's no such thing as lucky clothing.
I am so sorry.
I didn't charge you for the eggs Benedict.
Hey, I had the eggs Benedict.
Looks like my breakfast was free.
That a new hat? - Guys - Let me try that on.
- No, it's tough.
- Let me try it on.
- No!