Mock the Week (2005) Episode Scripts

N/A - Mock the Week Looks Back at... Royals

1 This programme contains some strong language.
# Read about the things that happen Throughout the world # But don't believe in everything You see or hear Read all about it Read all about it News of the world News of the world # Read all about it News of the world News of the world.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Our next round is called, If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question? On the board are six categories.
Nathan, which category would you like? - Home News, please.
- OK, your category is Home News.
The answer is trains, toilets and celebrities.
What is the question? Is it, if you're going to make a sex tape on public transport, what three things do you need? What three flavours come through when you're tasting English wine? Is it, according to the coalition agreement, what three things do the Lib Dems have responsibility for? Is it, name three things I've left my umbrella in? APPLAUSE Is it three things you're probably best off not to lick clean? APPLAUSE Is it, what is the name of Thomas the Tank Engine's no holds barred autobiography? Is it what Peter Andre says when he's asked what his daily routine is? HIGH PITCHED: "I like trains, I like toilets, I like celebrities.
" He's high pitched but not Australian any more? HIGH PITCHED/AUSTRALIAN: "I like trains, I like toilets, I like celebrities.
" "I went to a voice coach to get rid of my Australian accent "and I can't help thinking she's done something wrong.
" "I have been over in this country for a while, "so I sometimes slip into both fucking accents, Chris!" APPLAUSE "I like trains because of me six pack.
" I get it, I get it! "I like toilets so I don't mess me jeans up.
" "And then I do the celebrities for making the money for the kids.
" APPLAUSE Does anyone have another answer? Is it, what do we do better than Morocco? OK, can we have the correct answer, please? - I think I've got it.
- Oh! Is it This is not the build-up to the correct answer, but go on.
Is it name three things I've puked up on at the Edinburgh Festival? APPLAUSE - I know the answer, Dara.
- Chris, do you know the answer? - I'll give you the real answer, Dara.
- Will you give me the real answer? What are the three main talking points on a Saga holiday? Is it three things that are full of shit? APPLAUSE I'm stuck on the Peter Andre thing.
"You liked that, didn't you, Dara?" I did like that.
"Where it makes some money for the children," that was the bit that got me.
- "Is it" - No.
".
.
what three things were most complained about at the Queen's Jubilee?" - If you can do that in a proper voice.
- OK.
- GERMAN ACCENT: "Vhat three things vere most complained about" - No.
APPLAUSE What three things were most complained about at the Queen's Jubilee? Very good, thank you very much, Chris Addison.
APPLAUSE Yes, the question was, what aspects of the Queen's Jubilee celebration drew criticism from the press? The weekend was largely considered a success, but there were complaints that the trains couldn't cope with the vast crowds, raising concerns about next month's Olympics.
The lack of toilets for revellers was also criticised, alongside the BBC's celebrity-heavy coverage.
Did you watch the various events? The BBC's coverage was criticised for looking less like a Royal occasion and more like The One Show, but that is what the Queen calls it.
"It's the "one" show.
" It was an excuse for a bit of a knees-up, though, wasn't it? It was one of those weekends where you get so munted Saturday, Sunday, Monday, you phone up work saying you can't come in Tuesday, forgetting that's a bank holiday as well.
APPLAUSE Nine months from now, I bet you anything Flotilla will be the most popular girls' name.
Let's pick up on the people who had to do a lot of - There was a woman in Tower Bridge interviewing the guy - In it or on it? - In it, in the control room of Tower Bridge.
- Oh, OK.
Just before the guy pressed the button to make the thing go whoop, she said, "So, is it going to work?" And the guy looked at her in kind of a, "Of course it's going to work! "Stop trying to introduce a note of peril.
" And she tries again, "Are you sure it's going to work?" Like suddenly it's an action movie.
"Oh Jesus, the bridge is stuck! Quick!" And they're running down, he's wedging things, "She's coming, she's coming!" As if there was a danger that the Queen's boat is going to come along and then, "brrr," and then the Queen's running away as all the thrones get pushed back towards the back of the boat.
"Arrgh!" Off the back of the boat.
Yes, it's going to work! APPLAUSE Why were Royal finances in the news this week? Because the Queen blew all her money on a horse called Thug Hunter.
- Not quite right.
- The Queen is at the centre of an expenses scandal, isn't she, because she's been claiming Balmoral as her main residence and claiming the council tax back on Buckingham Palace! She's still got Apparently she lost 6 million last year, had to spend 6 million, but she's still got 240 million in the bank.
She's not going to turn up for the Christmas speech next year wearing a shell suit going, "It's been a tough year.
" Although, in fairness, they've taken her eyes, which is a bit She does look like a cartoon character who's seen a sexy cartoon character and, "boing-oing-oing-oing.
" You'd think the Queen could print more money anyway, all she needs is a profile shot and a photocopier.
They say the Queen spent ã14,000 on a train journey from London to Liverpool, and that's what happens if you let an old-aged pensioner use the self service ticket machine.
But in fairness, it's not the Queen, it's the others, like Princess Beatrice.
She's at university at Goldsmiths and we're having to spend 300 grand on doing up her student digs.
What kind of note is she going to leave on her fridge? "Somebody had the quail's eggs.
" She's spent 300 grand getting her flat done up so she can go and study the history of ideas.
I've got an idea for you, Beatrice - get your fat arse down to B&Q! APPLAUSE Well the fact is, they're always going on about whether the Royal Family is actually value for money, but at the end of the day, you do get a lot of tourists coming in.
If you go to Buckingham Palace on any day and see the number of tourists gawking at it - I don't think you'd still get the same numbers if they turfed out the Royal Family and turned it into a giant Lidl.
Do we need a royal family to attract American tourists? Have you seen those people? You could attract them with a fucking balloon on a stick.
"Yeh, money, money.
" APPLAUSE I don't know about turning it into a big Lidl, but I think people would come from far and wide if the Queen was forced to work at Lidl.
You can imagine going up to the Queen and going, "Yeah, I want four packets of already broken biscuits, yeah.
" Do people still actually buy already broken biscuits? Dara's hardly going to know the answer, is he? The new slim Dara doesn't know about biscuits.
Look at him! I didn't even recognise the word, biscuit.
He looks like a Russian bodyguard.
No, you look good.
We should have started the show with you in front of the camera just doing a gun show, like that.
"Do you like that, nation? They call me Vladimir.
" He looks like a Russian bodyguard, doesn't he? I don't know if you realise, if you realise the story behind this, but Dara's lost weight because he's been on the Irish version of I'm A Celebrity, which is set during the potato famine.
- Sorry.
- How much weight We were all a bit worried, when we heard about your weight loss, we were all a bit worried that you had AIDS.
Because No, we were genuinely worried, because none of us wore a condom.
In fact, actually we'll chat about that later.
How much weight have you lost? - Who, me? Since I've been on here, about two stone.
- No, go on, tell us.
I'm not Coleen Nolan, this isn't Loose Women.
I'm not discussing weight loss on the show.
APPLAUSE The question I was looking for was, from what approximate distance did a photographer take pictures of the Duchess of Cambridge sunbathing topless? This is the news that the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have taken legal - action against French magazine "Clo-zer", which has printed topless photographs - What's it called? The French call it "Clo-zer," for some reason.
A French woman works on the show.
I'm going, "Surely it's Clos-zay.
" She goes, "No, Clos-zer.
" A French court has blocked future publication of the pictures in France, but they've already been published in Italy and Ireland.
There's loads of Royals who've been snapped naked, haven't they? Obviously Harry, now Kate.
Then we had Andrew before that.
Charles before that.
Countess of Wessex.
I mean, there have been in fact so many of them, I think they should persuade a few more of them to do it and then they could release a charity calendar.
The thing is, isn't it, it is terrible, it's unjustifiable, it's immoral, but I quite want to see the pictures.
Are you saying you haven't seen them yet? I haven't.
I looked, I've seen fuzzy versions of them on the internet.
They're all fuzzy, the pictures were taken from the Hubble Telescope.
From the Hubble-Hubble Telescope.
Very good.
What I found intriguing was I don't know whether everyone was, I was certainly waiting for the next time she appeared in public, to see if she would acknowledge what had happened to the cameras.
And she didn't, she just did the same smile that she always does.
Because if someone had photographed my meat and two veg, I probably would have come out and gone I think she's annoyed because - and every woman's had this on holiday - I've looked at the photos and they're at that awkward angle.
When you're topless you've got to stay at a certain position or it's not attractive, and she's in that reaching for the sun cream position.
That's what she's annoyed about.
We've all got those photos, like my Uncle Terry where he popped out of his shorts.
We've all got those bad holiday photos.
I didn't see that edition of "Clo-zer," where Jo's Uncle Terry pops out of the shops and his shorts.
Do you think she's genuinely worried about it? Don't you think there's just one tiny Do you think there's just one tiny bit of her that's thinking, "Where's my sister's arse now then, eh?" APPLAUSE - Which publications have printed the photographs? - "Clo-zer.
" - "Clo-zer.
" - "Clo-zer.
" - "Clo-zer.
" The Irish Daily Star.
Because she's not your future queen.
That was the Irish Daily Star's thing.
An Italian magazine called Chi and the Irish Daily Star published it, but they gave very different excuses, right.
The Italian excuse was very, "But they are young and they are beautiful and they are in love.
" And the Irish Daily Star was, "She's not our queen.
" There are always photos like that, not of the Royals, but topless photos in magazines, shot with a long lens, they are always of - there's kissing and cuddling in the pool, and then they're putting sun cream on each other.
And these are meant to be sexy, erotic.
There's nothing less erotic than putting sun cream on your partner's back, is there? - It's just something you have to do.
- You have to do, yeah.
You have to do it because you can't put sun cream on your own back, so you've got to reach a deal with the person who's going to do it.
That's all, isn't it? That's all it is.
I was photographed on holidays once by Papped, papped, yeah.
I was taking a holiday and I was doing exactly that.
And the pictures, if you saw them, they were quite shocking, and it was an intrusion of our privacy.
That wasn't on holiday, was it, Dara? - No.
That wasn't a holiday for me.
- It was in our house, wasn't it, Dara? That's the least erotic thing I've ever seen.
Where do we get this Where does the guy in the office find the source photograph? - I believe he has your laptop.
- Yes.
Our next round is called Newsreel.
We play a recent piece of footage featuring people in the news and ask Hugh to suggest what might be being said.
This week's clip features the Royal Family.
IMPERSONATES HILLARY CLINTON: "How you doing? What can I tell you? "The Democrats had a choice between a woman and a black man and they went for the black man.
"Can you believe it?!" IMPERSONATES THE QUEEN: "Well, I can't" IMPERSONATES PHILIP: "I can't believe that was the choice.
" "Yes, well, how charming.
" "Does anybody know who that was? "Was that, was that Judith Chalmers? Bloody dreadful woman.
" "Oh hello, Darling.
Eyebrows still black, I see.
"When they go white, we'll know we're all in the shit.
"Oh God, oh God, oh God!" IMPERSONATES BORIS JOHNSON: "Terribly sorry, I dropped my Oyster card.
"Anyway, can't wait, I've got to see the Queen, I think.
" "Oh God, I hate these things, oh God.
"So tedious, I'd much rather be doing something else like shooting someone, or "Oh, hang on, no wait a minute, this is the guy I've been waiting for.
"I'm absolutely starving.
I'll have two lamb pasandas and a Peshwari naan, please.
"And hurry up about it.
" "Philip, please, that is the President of India.
" "Yes, that's the restaurant we always go to.
" "These are the leaders of the free world, "please try not to say anything offensive.
" "Oh I never do.
What do you mean? "Oh my God, there are thousands of them! "It's like bloody Dover, you can't come in here, we haven't got any room.
"We're a tiny country, what are you thinking of, go - "Oh, hello.
Are you Korean?" - "Yes.
" "I love your culture.
" "Don't worry, I've locked up the corgis.
" Well done, Hugh.
APPLAUSE Here's a picture from the Jubilee, what's going on? Is the Queen saying, "So be it, young Skywalker, now die!" Is she saying, "I can see you looking, Elton.
"It's my tiara, you cannot borrow it.
" Tom Jones looks like he's trying to hypnotise the Queen.
Either that or he's being goosed by Paul McCartney.
Something's going on.
She's probably saying, "Oh dear, I seem to be at Madame Tussauds.
" APPLAUSE Is she saying, "Now you do all have the number for Dignitas, don't you?" Is she saying, "I've got major beef with you, Richard.
"I've I've got major beef with you, Richard" Hang on, is she Peter Andre? APPLAUSE I trained! "Oh, Christ! "Don't compare me to the Queen, Chris!" "I've got major beef with you, Richard.
"You put the Lord's Prayer to Auld Lang Syne again, I'll cut your face!" It does look like it could be an advert, sort of.
If you look at McCartney and Tom Jones, it looks like a before and after for Just For Men, doesn't it? Is the Queen saying, "Go on, pull my finger.
" APPLAUSE All the American acts bizarrely said happy birthday to her, was thatyou know? Grace Jones, who had a hula hoop for the last Randomly walks out hula-hooping.
# Slave to the rhythm That was the weirdest thing! I genuinely thought, am I the only one seeing this? Why? # Slave to the rhythm Who booked Grace Jones?! She wasn't hula-hooping, she'd been imprisoned by the elders of Krypton.
Was it not a bit strange that they built that really elaborate, beautiful rowboat called what's it called, the Gloriana? Gloriana, my mate built that.
For the Queen, and yet was it just me who thought it's a bit weird that she's not on it? Because the only person on it was Clare Balding.
Essentially, there's thousands of foreign tourists who think that Clare Balding is the Queen.
"I saw the British Queen the other day, "looks like she can handle herself in a pub fight.
" APPLAUSE In this round, one player takes the role of a famous person making a speech, while the other says what they really mean.
So, Rory, you are Prince Charles giving a speech on the occasion of his mother's birthday.
Hugh, tell us what he's really saying.
Take it away.
AS PRINCE CHARLES: "Um, hello, Mummy.
Gosh, you look so well.
" "Blast!" "Um, a little birdie tells me" "It's all over the newspapers.
" ".
.
that today is a very special day.
" "You're still alive.
" "I'm sure I speak for the rest of the family "when I say, um, er" "Boo!" "That's very good.
" "Thank you very much.
" "What do you do?" "I make organic biscuits.
" "Oh wonderful.
Marvellous, marvellous.
" In other Royal news, who's been found in a car park in Leicester? Stan Collymore.
Hmm Thisthis is Richard III, isn't it? - It is Richard III, yes.
- Do you know about Richard III? - I know a little bit, yes.
- Well My image of Richard III would be either - we weren't taught a lot of that in school - is of the Shakespeare RASPING: "Now is the winter of our discontent.
" - No, I think that was - "Skywalker.
" Richard "Your friends cannot save you now.
" "Oh, the Death Star will be quite operational "when your friends arrive.
" You get a different version.
You get a different version to us.
"Die, Vader! Ha ha ha ha!" Richard III was the man who lost the War of the Roses to Alan Titchmarsh.
And his remains, he died at the Battle of Bosworth and his remains have been found under a car park in Leicester.
Which is great, but they don't know what to do with him, because he's lost his ticket and he's got six grand in back payments.
He's got to pay another 50, because he's buried across two spaces.
It's not a big deal either, is it? They've found him in a It's not a big deal?! He's the only one of No, it's not a big deal, they find Prince Harry in a skip most weeks.
It's an amazing addition to Leicester's Hall of Fame.
They've got Engelbert Humperdinck, Showaddywaddy, Rusty Lee and now, Richard III.
It's the worst variety show of all time.
All MC'd by Gary Lineker.
He comes on at the end, "Arrgh, ha ha ha!" See, I'm suspicious it is Richard III, firstly because they didn't have car parks in the olden days.
And also because they found the bones in a small cardboard box labelled Southern Fried Chicken.
Chickens do have a curvature of the spine, indeed.
- Yes, they do.
Wings.
- It is, yes.
And people were a lot smaller then, so he's probably right.
They weren't the size of a chicken! Somewhere there's a couple of lads going, "I have found Richard III.
" Phoom! Just a chicken carcass.
"Yeah, yeah, look, look at that.
We didn't even have to dig.
"One of the cars pulled out and it was just here.
It was just sitting there.
" They think he killed the Princes in the Tower, they're not sure, either the candlestick or the lead piping.
That's one thing.
And they think that now, he was probably quite a good king, in fact.
He also said, "A horse, a horse, a kingdom for a horse.
" I think he should've been saying, "The Force, the Force! "My Empire for the Force, Skywalker!" That is the greatest thing of anything in the world.
"Oh the Death Star will be quite operational.
" - He's appeared to be in Monkey this time.
- Yeah, "Monkey!" "Waargh!" Like a Chinese Death Star.
CHINESE ACCENT: "This Death Star lot cheaper than the other Death Star.
"But it not fire as far.
" Who the hell is this?! "You cross my palm with a lightsaber, I tell your fortune.
" "We don't deliver to Endor.
" "Endor, far away.
You have to collect.
"I'll put down the forcefield so you can get in, innit.
" APPLAUSE I'm looking forward to the worldwide distribution of this episode.
- We were merely doing impressions of one another's impressions.
- Yes! I was quite shocked to see the picture of him, because I read today he's only 32.
He looks like Dot Cotton.
To be fair to him though, that's not actually a picture of him, because they couldn't take pictures at the time.
- That's probably a painting or something.
- Oh, really? Did they have paparazzi back then? If his wife was showing her boobs on a balcony, would somebody have got a tapestry cushion and started Presumably, if you've already got the cushion, it's relatively easy just to sew a nipple on the top and then go APPLAUSE OK, the next topic is the Royals.
Frankie.
I like the tour where Prince Charles went to India with Camilla.
Actually, like, proper rural India as well.
You know that half the people that saw them were going, "Diana's let herself go.
" Apparently they couldn't send Prince Harry to Iraq because they couldn't afford the resources required to start developing factor 60,000 sun block.
Poor old Harry had his uniform packed.
It was a 1941 SS Stormtrooper.
In many ways, Harry's just a typical British squaddie, isn't he? In that he has absolutely no idea who his real father is.
AUDIENCE: Ooh! Frankie Boyle.
Why was this man in the news recently? Oh, it's what's happened in Vegas not staying in Vegas? Yes, very much so, yeah.
Why is that? Because he was playing strip billiards and we all found out.
- Yes.
- People were saying, though, that he was a gentleman, because in the photos, he had his hands over the breasts of the woman.
And you're thinking, obviously the definition of gentleman has changed a bit since I was growing up.
It's this bullshit that we get sold the whole time.
"Oh, he's just like us, they're just like us, the Royal Family.
" They're not just like us.
You have never accidentally ended up in a part of your house you've never been in before.
They are not like us.
"Huh, the kitchen!" 1970s joke.
- But the troops in Afghanistan, they've all come out in support, haven't they? - Yeah.
By taking photos of themselves, you know, stripped completely naked.
And it's basically Carry On Up The Khyber all over again, isn't it? These photos were actually taken before the Harry thing, this is just down to Government cut-backs.
It says they're doing it in support of Harry.
They're not, are they? They're taunting him.
Stripping naked in the Afghan sun, going, "Try it over here, ginger lad.
" Two minutes naked out there, he'd look like a Babybel.
Yes, there are websites of squaddies and squaddies' families who have supported Prince Harry, decided to I'm not saying that I'm not much of a Royalist, but it's not I still think there's an important principle here, that, you know, if a man wants to be naked at a party, then we should support that as much as we can.
That's why I published this particular photograph.
- Wow, Dara! - I was proud to do that.
Yeah.
APPLAUSE I'm just thinking, you've got an All Blacks tattoo there.
- Yes, it is actually, yeah.
- Are you an albino Maori? I BRIEFLY played for the All Blacks before that photo was poorly doctored.
If you think my tattoos are bad, you should see Andy's tattoos.
Andy's tattoos are terrible.
I mean, he really has AUDIENCE LAUGHS And Hugh, we're not saying that you're, you know but I thought you were generous to do it amidst foliage, which I thought was discreet.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS Wait a minute There's a growing sense of inevitability.
Chris must now realise that his is possibly the most erotic of all.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS - Again, that is real.
- That is your pussy.
Well, and that has confirmed many people's suspicions that if you see me naked, there is a pussy.
OK, here we go.
The first subject is, Things You Didn't Hear At The Queen's Jubilee.
And look at that, a sea of red, white and blue, as thousands of hyperactive children vomit up the icing from the Jubilee cup cakes.
BUZZER SOUNDS You can't help thinking that nationalism may have gone a little too far.
The flotilla is now anchored off France ready to invade Calais.
BUZZER SOUNDS And we hear recently that the Queen's dogs have done a complete overhaul of the Palace plumbing system.
Mercifully, they're Corgi registered.
BUZZER SOUNDS Come in, number 46, your time is up! BUZZER SOUNDS "And now's our chance to join in lustily with the second verse "of the National Anthem.
" Um, to be served To Ma ma ma # The Queen.
BUZZER SOUNDS "Yes, doc, so if I say I've got a bladder infection, will it work? "Oh, excellent, I can't stand Gary Barlow.
" BUZZER SOUNDS "Harry, when I told you to put on your uniform, "I didn't mean THAT one.
" BUZZER SOUNDS And it's amazing to think, isn't it? She is 86 years old.
Please give it up one more time, Annie Lennox.
BUZZER SOUNDS And this is a real Jubilee mug, a man who's paid ã25 for a Jubilee mug.
BUZZER SOUNDS Awful scenes before the concert, as a rather embarrassing fat man has jumped onto the stage.
He's pulling faces and mouthing to Robbie Williams records Ohoh! BUZZER SOUNDS And the Queen places the diamond in the stand, lighting the final Jubilee beacon.
Now, she enters the Crystal Dome and tries to collect as many golden coupons as she can.
BUZZER SOUNDS And the boats spread out over the vast space of the Thames, like thoughts in Fearne Cotton's head.
BUZZER SOUNDS Well, there she is, Her Majesty The Queen.
Where else could you see an 86-year-old standing for hours just waiting to be seen? Well, any NHS hospital.
BUZZER SOUNDS And as his eyes gradually became accustomed to the shadowy darkness, he realised he was not alone in that room.
Ah! Who is it? "It's me, Peter Andre!" BUZZER SOUNDS APPLAUSE