Mock the Week (2005) Episode Scripts

N/A - Rob Beckett, Milton Jones, Ellie Taylor, Josh Widdicombe

1 # Read about the things that happen throughout the world # Don't believe in everything you see or hear # Read all about it # Read all about it # News of the world News of the world # Read all about it # Read all about it News of the world News of the world.
This programme contains some strong language.
Hello, and welcome to Mock The Week.
I'm Dara O Briain.
Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Ellie Taylor and Rob Beckett, Josh Widdicombe, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING We start with a round called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question? On the board are six categories.
Ellie, which category would you like? - Science, please.
- Science.
Yes.
Whoop! Science! One up our team.
Your category is Science.
The answer is seven months.
What is the question? Is it how old Princess Charlotte will be when the Daily Mail start commenting on her weight? Is it, how long does my nephew think I've been playing hide and seek with him? Is it how long until Sepp Blatter gets bummed in prison? Is it how old was Jack Whitehall when he first appeared on this programme? Is it, if I get a 30-second advert before a YouTube video, how long does that feel? - You can skip it in five! - You can't always skip, you can't always skip! Some of them you have to prove you're over 18 as well, it's a nightmare.
Is it, if I was in charge, what would be the prison sentence for saying "chillax"? Is it, how long does it take to get to Glasgow on a Megabus? Dissing Megabus.
I am the accepted face - As if you've ever gone on a Megabus.
- I'm on every Megabus.
Is it how long it takes Dara to start a sentence? - "Eh.
" - What?! What's this? Are you going on Britain's Got Talent now? I really haven't got over that Britain's Got Talent thing.
You've brought it up out of nowhere two weeks in a row! And I will continue to until I hunt that man down and kill him.
It wasn't the fact he did it, it was the fact it was the snippet they chose - they take one second from each act and his was just him going "Ehh" With a number underneath.
"Ehh" 0898 999! "Ehh" There's more to me than that! - Is there? - No.
There's not.
Is it, to avoid suspicion, how long is Mo Farah planning to run his next 10,000m in? OK, correct answer, please? Is it how long it took for me to get over seeing my dad in the bath? That's very quick, actually, isn't it? - It took me four years.
- Really? What were you doing looking at my dad? APPLAUSE Surely more the question is, what was your dad doing in his bath?! Friday night's Friday night It's to do with that thing on the comet.
That thing - Points to our team! - That's your correct answer? "It's to do with that thing on the comet"? - There's a thing - I can't believe that this is the right answer.
Oh, my God.
Go on.
It's basically, how long was the space probe that landed on the comet asleep for? Absolutely right, thank you very much, Andy Parsons.
Well done, mate.
The question I was looking for is, how long had the Philae lander spacecraft spent in hibernation after it landed on a comet in November last year.
After seven months of receiving no contact from Philae, the European Space Agency revealed over the weekend that the probe had made contact with scientists again.
Fantastic, wasn't it? Basically the signal apparently takes half an hour to get to Earth, and the battery lasted 87 seconds.
That is a bit like being on O2 with an iPhone 4, that, isn't it? The tweet that was sent from the Philae account just said: If I was in charge of the Twitter account, I'd have just put, "Oh, shit! Aliens!" I can't believe it's got reception in space.
I can't even get Wi-Fi in my kitchen.
I think it's quite interesting that as a British probe, it was like, it didn't do anything for seven months, got a little bit of sunshine and was like, "Ooh!" - got all excited.
I reckon he's got a little knotted hanky on his head up there, organising some rounders and a barbecue He'll be complaining about the heat soon.
"Too hot now.
" There's an exact moment where it's just the right amount of heat before "Oh, God, I'm tired of barbecues now.
" Apparently it reported back that the average temperature of the comet, -50 degrees.
So apparently Fifa are thinking of awarding it the 2026 World Cup.
I looked up at the plough the other day and I thought to myself, "I really regret lying down in this field.
" What they said, though, didn't they, it was essentially like chucking a washing machine out of an airliner and trying to land it on a space the size of Regent's Park.
Now, I used to live near Regent's Park, in Camden, and a lot of the back gardens did have washing machines in them.
So I reckon they've had a few cracks at this experiment.
It looks well technical.
Is it a Dyson? Who's taken that photo? That's what I want to know.
- That's not actually - He's got a selfie stick, that's what it is.
They've discovered though, that apparently, - the water on the comet is not the right water.
- No.
It's not the right water as Earth.
- It's not the right water.
- How does that work? Did they find fizzy instead of still? What's going on? How different can the water be? Can you still have a bath in it? - Yes.
- Can you still see Rob's dad in there? Yes! If I close my eyes, I can still see Rob's dad in there.
Seven months! How has the behaviour of Western tourists - upset people in Malaysia recently? - Oh this is the girl that stripped off on top of the mountain.
Yes, it's Escape From Boobs Mountain.
She said that they didn't know it was an issue, but you just presume that when you to go places Like, if I walk into St Paul's Cathedral, I'm not looking for a sign with like a penis with a red cross through it.
I'm just going, "They don't want to see my cock.
" Just swaying gently - "I don't see it written anywhere.
" "You produce a rule book for me, and I'll stopmotioning like this.
" Basically, wasn't there six days between her getting her kit off and the earthquake? So those gods, they took quite a long time to decide to be offended, didn't they? I'm wondering if they spent a lot of that time just looking at the photos.
It has become a thing.
This is one of the photographs taken of them.
- They're all doing it.
- It's a weird trend.
We have them up mountains, people do it Yeah, all right.
- That one was me.
- Next to a canyon, champ, it's not going to impress.
Oh! This is, you know, that's Harry Styles, for a start.
They actually didn't know each other, they're just meeting for the first time.
"Hey, bonjour!" "Bonjour!" "Oh, I know, my washing machine is on a comet.
" APPLAUSE And how is an Italian neuroscientist hoping to make medical history? This is brilliant, this is an absolutely fantastic story.
He is planning to give someone a head transplant.
Or to take someone's head off and transplant it on to another body.
It's a bit ridiculous, though, innit? Like, how in demand are heads? Who's at home going, "Finally, I can get a head now! All these years!" I think you've mixed up a head transplant and a body transplant.
No-one is going, "If only my body had the head it deserved!" I am.
You are quite ripped, aren't you? I reckon he's on the blag.
He'll get two people that look quite similar, get rid of one of them and just do a little dotted line round the neck.
"Done it! Nailed it.
" But you would never, ever want to be a head donor, would you? Cos that just sounds like a PC job title for a prostitute.
I don't think - and I know little enough about the sex industry - that they regard it as a donation.
- Well, you are GIVING head.
- Yes, you are! - Also - Speak for yourself! APPLAUSE - You know.
- Maybe they go, "The head is free, it's the companionship you're paying for.
" If you hadn't seen somebody for ages, and whenever you had seen them they'd always been in a wheelchair, and then you suddenly saw them walking along the street, you'd be quite freaked out by that, wouldn't you, right? But it would not be as freaky as if you thought somebody had died and then you saw them walking along the street with exactly the same tattoos as the person who died.
That would freak you right out, wouldn't it? Would there be an element of, you would want You know, I don't know if you can request "no tattoos", though You'd wake up and be, like, "Why is THAT pierced?!" "I'm not married to Mabel! What the hell is this doing here? "This is going to be awkward when I go home.
" I love that your go-to name for a wife was Mabel.
It's It's actually Mary, I thought it was too Irish.
I thought, "Oh, I better pick something English.
"Mabel! That's a standard English name.
" "Have you met my beautiful wife Mabel?" - If you put a head on someone else's body - Yeah.
.
.
are heads gender-specific? - Do they have to go on the same? - That's a very interesting question.
You'd have to find the match.
Sometimes a head is much too large for a body - so, for example, if your head - Right .
.
was to go, was to go on Posh Spice, that would look - that would look ridiculous.
- She'd be lolling Difficult to know which of us it is, would be lolling ferociously.
I would be having some confusing feelings looking at that.
Who would you be blocking out? Seriously, Josh, be honest with me.
Would you be blocking out me or Posh in this situation? Or would you be like those superhero mashup toys? - Which Spice Girl would they choose, then? - Posh, I think.
No, they'd choose Scary, cos she's like, you know Built.
- Sporty Spice? - I don't think they give you a catalogue of all - of just the Spice Girls.
- Oh, totally misunderstood the story.
"I need a new body.
" "Well, these are your five exact choices.
" "Oh, that seems unusual, erm" So I could choose one of the All Saints? If you can remember their names.
Essentially, that's what the Sugababes have been for about ten years, anyway.
And the points go to Rob, Ellie and Andy! APPLAUSE Now we play a round called Third Mock From The Sun.
This game involves Ellie and Milton, so if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
This round is a stand-up challenge.
I launch the Wheel Of News and wherever it chooses to stop, one of our performers will step forward and talk about that subject.
OK, here we go, let's have a look at the first topic.
And the first subject is relationships.
Ellie So, I've got quite a close relationship with my sister, and she's got my little nephew, Henry, who is, erm, a prick No, he is, don't take his side, you haven't met him.
Erm, because before he came along I was the youngest in the family, I was the baby of the family, which we all know is the socially acceptable way for saying, "Favourite!" A role I was born to play, until my sister, Slaggy McSlaggyson, got herself knocked up by some dude she had barely been married to for six years.
Suddenly it was all about her and the baby within! Now, initially, naively, I did actually get quite excited about the pregnancy.
Cos I think, especially from a female point of view you wouldn't be human if you didn't get excited about your sister putting on a lot of weight.
Had a lot of fun with that.
We did.
I changed her ringtone to the sound of a large lorry reversing.
Just sisterly banter, really.
But the banter stopped when the baby came, cos suddenly it was all about him.
No-one paid me any attention any more.
I don't know if you've ever had like a family dinner with a small child around - it's a nightmare.
There's food being thrown, there's shit everywhere, there's tits hanging out You name it, I tried it - still nothing.
- Thank you.
- Ellie Taylor! Very good.
OK, that leaves us with Milton, let's see what you've been given, let's spin the wheel.
And the topic is Entertainment.
LAUGHTER I'm reading a book at the moment - it's called The Anticlimax.
The first part is good I see Rihanna had to cancel a concert because she got salmonella, ella, ella I also see that down by the Thames they're making another wheel, this time dedicated to Mary Poppins, called the London Umdiddleddiddlediddleumdiddl-eye.
My grandmother - she got her scarf caught in one of those Ferris wheels.
But she did regain consciousness, after all, what goes around I was in a nativity play once, I was the man who scares the children cos he comes into the hall on the wrong day to play badminton.
Lionel Richie says hello, by the way.
The other day, I saw a sheep pole dancing in a kebab shop.
Thank you very, very much.
OKand the points go to Milton Jones! APPLAUSE Our next round is called Picture Of The Week.
I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me what's happening.
So, what's going on here? You know that thing when a dog's eaten a bee? Is David Cameron going, "Six pages - is this really the complete "list of taxpayers in Greece?"? Is it, David Cameron can almost smell the shit coming off the Tory manifesto? APPLAUSE I got a bit political, didn't I? Is he looking at the tea menu and he's saying, "I'll have the millionaire's shortbread, "or as I call it, shortbread"? Is it Cameron upset to see no Dizzee Rascal on the karaoke song book? He does a very good Bonkers, actually.
A very good Bonkers.
Is it Cameron orders Eton mess for dessert and for the country? Sorry Has Rob Beckett had a head transplant? I've got a tiny dick now but I love politics.
Have you got a third joke that you're going to do about? Go on! Cameron preparing to sell NHS at auction.
It's fun doing politics, isn't it? What a time to be alive! Is that Cameron checking the TV listings, going, "Rob Beckett's on Mock The Week, that's the end of me, then"? "His hard-hitting caustic satire is finishing me, it's finishing me.
"He's mocking me on that Week.
" If the joke's not good enough, just put your hand up in the air.
"Am I right, brothers, am I right? Yeah.
"Me dad's in the bath and I've got some politics, let's go!" Is it Cameron reading a note that just says, "David, this is the only way I could speak to you.
"I haven't heard from you since May the 7th, call me, "Nick, xoxo.
" Or is he just going, "Oh, it says here, "Nick Clegg is, in fact, doing "the Sheffield panto at Christmas, that's what it says here"? He's bounced back.
This, I think, is Cameron at the G7, isn't it? It is, absolutely, yes.
It's Cameron at the G7, why is he having these high-level meetings? He's trying to kind of get them to make some changes to the EU to convince Cos we're doing this whole EU vote.
I think the EU is misbranded.
No-one would want to leave if they called it The League of Legends.
If they said, "Do you want to leave The League of Legends?" I'd go, "No, mate, I'm the chairman.
" We've got to vote again, already.
I only voted - It's in two years' time.
- Oh, I'm going to start feeling like a paedo standing round school halls at eight in the morning.
- It's embarrassing.
- You don't have to wait around for two years - I strongly advise not to.
- I'm into politics now! - I want to think about it.
- What does he? What's his? He wants major concessions, mainly on free movement of people, - on immigration.
- Yes, that is essentially the whole point of it, is that you can't.
You can't deny benefits to people cos you've got to treat them as your own citizens, right.
So how's he going to stop European immigrants? Easy for you to say, Dara, you've been claiming off us for ten years, mate.
All right, don't cheer that.
"Yeah, finally somebody has the nerve to say it "to Mr Giant Head Posh Leg.
" It would be brilliant if Ukip made you a campaign issue! - "Eh!" - Stop this, man.
To "eh" is human.
With a big picture of me.
Big pictures of me going like that "This man, bam, bam, bam!" Picture of me, "Mm.
" Just grabbing all your cash.
"Ha-ha-ha!" "Toora loora loora!" 30 years ago it was all Warsaw Pact, Warsaw Pact but now it's empty.
If we leave Europe we'll have to pay more for Kinder Eggs.
- Cos they're going up as it is.
- Yeah, I know.
If we leave Europe, we'll get the egg and we'll open it up and there will be no toy.
ALL: AW! Oh, I did not expect that to have quite the effect it had.
Wow, somebody just cancelled Christmas What we could do is deliver France an ultimatum saying that if we don't get our way, we'll call Greggs a patisserie.
APPLAUSE In other news, why is an American civil rights campaigner in trouble this week? Basically, she's been pretending to be black, hasn't she? - She is.
- She was born of white parents.
There's childhood pictures of her with fair skin and fair hair.
She's, essentially, the opposite of Michael Jackson, isn't she? She's gone on a very different journey, I'll give you that.
That is Rachel Dolezal as a teenager, I presume And then here she is today.
Where she now claims to be black.
And works for the NAACP which is a She doesn't actually look black in the second shot, she looks orange.
She has now resigned her job but maybe Atomic Kitten can take her on.
It could be Netflix.
Orange Is The New Black might be the APPLAUSE It might be just a little lie that's got out of hand.
We've all lied in the past to impress people.
I once told a girl I was Swedish, which was hard to keep up.
Now we're married.
"Herring, darling?" I'm going to IKEA three times a week just for new words.
She's kind of lied about her race to get this job, potentially.
I don't know what I'd do.
If my agent came to me and said, "They're going to recast The Fresh Prince of Bel Air "I've got you an audition for the lead role.
" I don't know whether I'd do it.
You want to be in Poldark, mate.
That's the one for you.
Take your shirt off.
I thought you'd never ask.
You sound like Rob Beckett's dad.
APPLAUSE If this makes the edit, he'll be loving this.
Down the pub going, "It was me in the bath" She has resigned her job, this lady who pretended to be black, and was dobbed in by her parents, which is the bit that's really mean.
Her estranged parents, because, apparently I love the word "estranged," I've always loved "estranged.
" When I was a kid and they'd say, "And his estranged wife", I just presumed it meant strange.
"Have you met my wife?" "'ALLO! 'ALLO!" "He don't want to talk about me! ARGH!" "I'm Mabel!" "Crazy Mabel, is she able? That's what they say about me!" Remember when this show was about the news? It used to be! People complain it's not topical enough.
Fuck you! APPLAUSE OK, at the end of that round the points go to Josh, Hugh and Milton! APPLAUSE Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See so if everyone can make their way over to the performance area, I'll read out this week's topics and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
OK, here we go.
The first subject is This is the most terrifying animal you can see in the wild.
It has the body of Posh Spice Of course, if you're on an expedition, you must always make sure you boil all the water.
This can really slow you down if you come to a lake.
It's been 17 days since my last proper meal and I am beach body ready, bitches! Bear, are you related to George Foreman Grills? APPLAUSE I've not had a bath for days on end, and that's because Rob Beckett's dad is in there.
APPLAUSE There is barely any water here so we've been collecting our urine, but this morning some of it was gone, and that is taking the piss.
APPLAUSE I spent three days in the jungle with nothing to eat but raw caterpillars.
I remember the moment I walked back into civilisation.
There were a few butterflies in my stomach, I can tell you.
When I was thirsty, I was forced to drink my own urine.
I'm now hungry and dreading dinner.
APPLAUSE When you're in the wild, you've got to remember what you learn at Scouts.
Don't tell anyone our little secret.
Well, night is falling, it's raining and I'm in the shelter but it still feels dangerous here.
There are six teenagers staring at me and the bus doesn't arrive for 20 minutes.
If you suddenly see a bear extremely close to you, the best thing to do, stand stock still, pull down your trousers and just let it have sex with you.
On the men's island, Derek's drinking coconut water because Derek's a hipster twat.
After three months totally alone on the island, it's amazing that John hasn't gone mad.
Isn't that right, John? Yeah, it is, yeah.
So, I've managed to make a raft to escape the island by smashing up some boats.
OK.
The next topic is Ladies and gentlemen, good afternoon and welcome to Waitrose, you smug, rich, pricks.
This is not a drill, I repeat, this is not a drill.
Would somebody please go to the Power Tools aisle and get me a drill? If you see an unattended bag, please don't report it.
Remember, you're in World Of Luggage.
Good evening, ladies, Top Shop will be closing in five minutes.
Please make your way to the till, unless you're over 30, in which case, piss off to M&S, you ancient old hag.
This is an announcement for the front desk of the swimming baths.
Could Dr Someone's-done-a-shit- in-the-pool please come to reception? Would the couple having sex in aisle two please stop? Spillage in aisle two.
The 16:25 has unfortunately been cancelled and has been replaced by a replacement bus service.
EasyJet would like to apologise for all passengers who are going to Greece.
I only work in the Post Office for the crumpet.
Watch this.
"Widow number two, please.
" In tonight's performance of Chitty, Chitty, Bang, Bang, the part of the child catcher will be played by a 1970s TV presenter.
Welcome to Sexist Airways, I'm just going to pop on the seatbelt sign for a moment because we're swapping to a lady pilot.
We are now coming in to land in Russia where the local time is 1956.
Welcome aboard the one-way Saga Service Special to Switzerland.
AUDIENCE SIGHS I was trying to have a laugh! LAUGHTER HE MIMICS ALARM Attention to the submarine crew of HMS Nando's, be careful not to burn your eyes on the peri-peri scope.
Lost children can be found at the Lost Children Tent.
If they're not claimed by the end of the day, they will be destroyed.
Welcome to Megabus.
Things haven't worked out quite as well as you were hoping, have they? Welcome to the Sexist Supermarket.
Check out number three.
APPLAUSE Again that round, the points go to Josh, Hugh and Milton.
APPLAUSE And that's the end of the show.
This week's winners are Andy Parsons, Ellie Taylor and Rob Beckett.
CHEERING Commiserations to Josh Widdicombe, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
CHEERING Thank you for watching, I'm Dara O Briain, good night.
APPLAUSE # Read about the things that happen throughout the world # Don't believe in everything you see or hear # Read all about it Read all about it News of the World News of the World.