Modern Family Episode Scripts

N/A - A Stereotypical Day

1 Oh! Oh.
Good morn-ing.
- Hmm.
- Oh.
How did I spend my summer vacation? I got over my breakup with Andy.
I got a job at Grandpa's country club.
- I got mono.
- Too close! Put your mask on! (scoffs) No one misses two weeks at Caltech and catches up.
What am I gonna do? Well, honey, I think you need to focus on getting a little bit stronger, a little bit healthier and just a little farther.
How do nerds even get mono? Did you all practice by kissing the same pillow? Shouldn't you be at work by now? I got fired.
My plan was to hide it from my parents until I got a new job, but with smarty-pants Alex home, I had to be more careful, or she was going to figure it out.
Her being super-sick is coming at a really bad time for me.
You got in late last night, huh? Yeah.
It was payday, and a game of craps broke out in the kitchen.
See this watch? Enrique's grandfather's.
You're giving it back, and remember, the second that job interferes with your grades, you're done.
Did you finish your history report? Just got to dot the I's and cross the T's and put in all the other letters.
It's okay, everybody! I'm alive! (laughs) (breathes deeply) I had a traumatic experience after an open house.
Have a good one.
(door closes) (doorknob thuds) Oh, no.
(breathes deeply) Aaaaaaah.
(inhales deeply) Monday lunch, Monday dinner.
(voice breaking) Tuesday breakfast, Tuesday lunch.
(crying) Welcome home.
Open house went great.
Lots of interested buyers.
Fun fact -- Some stranger, probably a long time ago, wrote their last will and testament right here on your wall.
Trust me on this.
Did nobody notice I was gone for 18 hours? Why aren't you all making posters? I figured you were in your office.
I went to bed really early last night, and when I woke up this morning, I thought you'd gone for a run.
Alex? I can't believe this! Well, honey, the important thing is that you are okay.
Now, I'm very sorry, but I've got to get to work.
We are bidding a big job against my old nemesis, Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets.
I'm back in there.
I want to live outside.
No, Señor, we're not having that argument anymore.
Mowgli lives outside.
Is Mowgli that dirty kid at his preschool whose parents drive the car that runs on French fry oil? No.
It's that dirty kid that runs around The Jungle Book.
Jay, tell him he can't.
First time I saw Tarzan, I wanted to live outside.
Dad said fine.
I walked in the woods, met a hobo.
Taught me how to open a can with a bird's beak.
That story's not helping! I'm doing it.
No! Jay! Of course not.
Why learn self-reliance when the industrial machine depends on constant consumption? No eggs for me.
I'll be having porridge.
Are you really still doing this? Over the summer, I went to a wedding in Juárez and met Frida, this amazing girl who enlightened me to how Communism can rid the world of injustice.
(sarcastically) Mm.
What a beautiful reception.
Oh, right.
That's a bad thing.
I live simply now, and it's good for me.
Might it also help my chance of kissing her one day? Yes.
And if that requires living in a world where the government chooses all our songs, so be it.
I'm gonna take a coffee to the guy putting up the security cameras.
It's not coffee the laborers need, Jay.
It's dignity.
And I'm going to fight for that until my fingers are raw and my back is bent.
Six months ago, we took you to the dermatologist for taking too many bubble baths.
- Brought you this.
- Oh, thanks.
- Almost done here.
- Take your time.
Important thing is Oh, no.
(door opens) JAY: Guess what.
A black family's moving in right across the street the same day my security cameras are going up.
Well, what am I supposed to do? I made the appointment weeks ago right after the break-in down the street.
But they'll think I made the call the minute I saw them because I'm a racist old man.
Why would the neighbors just assume that you're a racist? Gloria, Gloria, Gloria.
You'll never understand the stereotypes old white men face.
Goal! Nice shot, Tom.
Do you want to play with us? You know, I'm off contact sports right now.
I twisted my ankle playing running charades, but you two should get ready for dance class.
Okay, go.
Go, go, go! - Hi.
- Hi.
(door closes) Okay, why do you look so satisfied? Did you just listen to an NPR story that proved you right about something? No, no, but you know Tom, the friend that Lily's playing with? Well, I know of him.
We haven't formally been introduced.
Well, it turns out that Tom used to identify as Tina.
(gasps) Oh, I wish you wouldn't have told me.
You know how proud I am of my gender identificadar.
(sighs) Well, Tom's been having some problems at school, and -- and Lily has been really respectful of him.
Oh, she is so sweet.
She really is.
She gets all the credit on this one.
This so doesn't matter.
We raised her to have an open mind.
We deserve some kudos here, too.
There's enough kudos for everyone.
You know, a kudo would be an excellent name for a parenting award.
Oh, thank you, Gwyneth.
Lily, if you're still watching, go to bed.
LILY: Get out of here, you weirdo! (laughter) (laughter stops) Part of being the boss is being a bummer.
(laughter) (laughter stops) It was hard at first, but I've learned to accept it mostly.
(laughs) It's really been -- Oh.
Margaret, you knew I was in here.
I just had some messages.
Luke's guidance counselor -- Luke fell asleep in class again.
Haley's car payment is late.
And the credit-card company.
Phil made a large purchase on a Tibetan website called CopingCandles.
Tell the creative team to get their giggles out.
I'll be ready for them in 10.
But when you've been the bummer all day at work, you don't love having to be the bummer at home, too.
Hi, honey.
Is your brother around? I need to yell at him.
Of course he's around.
Why would he leave me in peace to do some work at the kitchen table when he could just barge in and -- Luke! Game down! This is your senior year, also known as your last year to not suck.
- Honey.
- Dad, you hit "place order" once, and then you wait for the confirmation.
- I'm sorry.
- Don't be sorry! Be smart! CLAIRE: That angry screeching was the sweet sound of my new home bummer.
I'm just so tired and in pain and irritable.
It just makes me so mad at everyone.
Sorry for yelling, Mom.
Why were you calling again? I forgot.
(chuckles) Damn it, Mom! Write it down next time! All right.
Here we are.
Don't forget to give Funkmaster Linda her check for today's class.
- Bye, Tom.
- Bye, Tom.
Hey, Lily.
Can you hang back a second? I shouldn't.
Linda says being late is wiggity-wack.
We just want to know why you called Tom a weirdo back at the house.
I don't know.
Okay, well, we don't make fun of people who are different, okay? - You know how hard it was for Daddy and me? - Yeah.
Growing up in Missouri, I was so mistreated that one of my best friends was an old scarecrow I found in the creek.
Some of your stories would be more impactful with fewer details.
I won't do it again.
Can I go now? Okay, but -- but do you understand why what you did is wrong? - Yes! - (sighs) Well, this bothers me.
They're getting along great, and then one little spat, and her instinct is to go all baby bigot on him? Well -- and I say this with love -- she did just get back from spending a full summer with your family in Missouri.
So we're blaming my family, then? I'm -- I'm just saying maybe when she gets back from there, she needs to be reminded of our values.
You know -- un-hick her.
Oh, the H-bomb! Possibly the most offensive slur ever thrown around in the South.
Well y-- Look, I-I love those people, too, but you did just admit they can be a little close-minded down there.
Well, they are a little bit set in their ways.
It was actually illegal to run for mayor without a mustache - until 1980.
- See? It's -- - And then again from '82 to '85.
- Okay.
Input! Please don't throw the remote again.
Oh, I was just, like, trying to get signal.
Don't blame me about breaking the other ones.
One got stepped on, and the other one fell down the garbage disposal.
You're not even trying.
Anyways, stop worrying about the remote control and worry about your own dog.
She's peeing in the corner.
Maybe if you ever leave her outside, she will guard us, and we wouldn't need cameras.
(doorbell rings) First of all, Stella's not peeing in the corner, because I housebroke her myself.
Second of all, no dog of mine should ever have to work.
There he is.
There's my old pal.
- Jay.
- How you doing, huh? I'm so glad you called.
I haven't been good about seeing people since Reynetta left.
Did you hear? She started dating my brother! Listen, it's such a nice day.
Let's go outside.
Isn't your backyard nicer? Nah.
It's all pool and chairs.
So, how you been, buddy? I want to tell you everything is okay so you won't worry, - but things have been real bad.
- You know what might help? You pop that hat off, you get a little sun on your face.
Ooh! The sun is rough on my eyes.
I cry almost every day.
Pretty much, the only time I'm happy is when I clean my gun.
Yeah, life, huh? Here, give me a hug.
- There you go.
- Oh.
- There you go.
- You're a good friend, Jay.
You got your own problems, but you're right there for me.
Damn it! Why do you need them to know you have a black friend? I'm putting security cameras in the same day they move in.
I'm mad about that, but it feels good to be held.
Come here.
Come here.
(breathes deeply) Flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety -- My imprisonment in the closet resulted in all the symptoms of PTSD.
My insurance company helped me to find a therapy dog and agreed to cover everything, and then they found out I wasn't in the military.
(keyboard clacks) Oh, boy.
Hey, Alex, honey, could you help me reset the router?! (breathes deeply) Oh! No.
(breathes deeply) (gasps) Bad luck! Bad luck!! (sighs) Alex's laptop had every piece of homework she ever did in high school.
It was the Holy Grail I think.
Thanks to Alex's hard work, I don't know what that is and never will.
(door closes) Not again! Oh, Dad, I didn't know you were home.
Haley, thank God.
(breathes deeply) Could you reset the router for me? I would, but I took a late lunch from work, which I have to get back to work.
- Are you okay? - I'm fine.
I think I'm just hyperventilating.
(breathes deeply) Should pass in like 20 minutes or s-so.
Okay, well, I'm gonna head back.
(gasps) Wouldn't want to be consistently late and get fired, right? (door opens, closes) (breathing heavily) Alex, honey.
(sighs) Good girl.
Good girl.
Input! I know you can hear me because I can see your green light! It's like one of those videos where the pit bull swims with the baby chick.
You just know something bad's gonna happen.
Where are your keys? I need the jumper cables.
- What happened? - I spent the last hour in my car, listening to the Commodores with my windows down, and the neighbors didn't even come outside.
(doorbell rings) That must be your good friends the Harlem Globetrotters.
- Hey.
- Hey! Gloria invited us to sit by the pool till we have to pick up Lily at hip-hop.
My Asian granddaughter takes a hip-hop class? Why are we not talking about this in the front yard? We brought cupcakes.
Manny, cupcake? Oh, I see.
Fill my mouth with bourgie opiates - so I can't speak for the people? - That was a lot.
He's trying to get a Communist girl to kiss him.
We have our own kid problems.
I mean, we had an incident this afternoon during Lily's playdate with Tom, who used to identify as Tina.
I don't totally get the hand thing, but I like it.
They had a fight, and Lily said the worst possible thing.
- I mean, that poor boy's been through enough.
- Mm.
Oh, I am sure that the parents have gone through a lot, too.
You just don't get comfortable with something like that overnight.
Let me ask you guys something.
If, someday, Lily wanted to be Lou and had the whole chop-chop, bing-bang thing, how would you be with that? - We love Lily.
- Lou.
- We love Lou.
- Mm-hmm.
- And there's nothing she could do -- - He.
- He.
- There's nothing he could do that would change that.
So you wouldn't even need the minute that Tom's parents did? Well, no, no.
Maybe a minute.
I mean, there'd -- there'd be a lot of things that I'd be giving up that I've always imagined doing, like -- like walking her down the aisle in her wedding dress.
Or whispering in her husband's ear that he'll never replace me.
Well, that's interesting, because the minute it took me to accept the fact that my son was living a different kind of life than the one that I anticipated, Mitchell called me an old, straight, white bigot.
And now you're just like me.
Oh, my God, Mitchell.
Are we where Lily gets it? Are we not as open-minded as we think? But that's our thing -- lording our tolerance over others.
I guess what this proves is, there's a little bit of prejudice in everyone -- you, me, the neighbor across the street judging me for my cameras.
I'm gonna do what I should have done at the beginning -- - talk to them.
- That's not a good idea.
Watch me! (door opens, closes) (thumping) Joe, you're not going to live outside! Fine! (television plays) LUKE: Alex is never away from her laptop, so I had to steal assignments one at a time.
I'm not proud of stealing, but I'm not unproud of how I'm stealing.
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry, but now that you're awake, what happened in here, huh? I'll tell you what happened here -- the same thing that's been happening all damn day! Me dealing with animals who don't care that we are air-conditioning the outside and insist on rotting their brains by watching vapid housewives spit wine on each other.
And you.
Can't even be bothered to use a plate! Oh, she's a bummer, huh? (laughter) (laughter stops) Something funny? No.
What are you even doing home? Don't you cat-sit for your boss on Tuesday nights? Uhhhhhh Alex, maybe you'd feel better if we went for a walk or a ride in the car, huh? Go for a ride in the car! You know what? There are just too many distractions here.
I don't care how sick I am.
I have to go back to college.
- No! - No! - No! - No, no, no, no, no.
- Of course you do! Was I the kind of person who would send her sick sister back to school just to keep her from figuring out I got fired? Did I use her laptop to get through community college? Let's get you back there.
It's Friday night.
Maybe there's a party you can listen to.
- Excuse me.
- Hello.
I don't mean to bug you.
You're just moving in.
I'm right across the street.
- Listen.
- Let me stop you.
You had the cameras scheduled, worried about how it would look, brought your black friend out, blasted Commodores.
(laughs) It's not my first time moving into a white neighborhood.
- We're good.
- Yeah? I did my residency in New Hampshire.
All right.
Listen, you guys need anything, let me know.
You got it.
I'm Shawn, by the way.
- Jay Pritchett.
- Jay.
It's okay, Gloria.
All handled.
This is my wife, Gloria.
This is Shawn -- and I want to get this right, beautiful African name -- Shawn M'badawe.
I said, "By the way.
" Ah.
Hey, Lily.
We need to talk.
I was actually just heading out.
Sit down, please.
Look, it was wrong of you to be mean to Tom, okay? Even though Daddy and I aren't always as open-minded as we should be, we -- we want you to be better than us.
We accept people for who they are.
Daddy and I would accept you no matter what -- boy, girl, gay, straight though, if you're a lesbian, please be the fun kind.
I didn't yell at Tom because he used to be Tina.
- What? - I yelled at him 'cause he made fun of Made fun of what? - What's -- What's to make fun of? - Oh, thank God.
He called you guys weirdos for putting that painting up, so I called him a weirdo.
Well, honey, why didn't you tell us? 'Cause I didn't want your feelings to get hurt.
Get hurt? How? Because that rube Tom knows nothing about art? Cam, she was protecting us.
But you don't have to, sweetie, okay? Don't feel like you can't be honest with us just to protect our feelings.
- Really? - Really.
Hey, you can tell us anything.
I hate the painting, too.
(whimpers) It was hard for us to hear, but in the spirit of tolerance, we accepted the fact that a 9-year-old might not want to fall asleep under the watchful eyes of her half-naked fathers.
Call the Sistine Chapel.
I guess art is out.
So, do you hate the whole idea of murals, or just -- Roll! - (whimpers) (crying) HALEY: It's going to be so exciting to get back to all that science stuff again.
You know -- beakers, calculators, ray guns.
Alex, are you sure you don't want to spend a few more days here to recover? You can sleep on the end of our bed if you want to.
- Yeah, stay, Alex.
- Sleeping does sound good.
Doesn't it? But, first, how about you take a nice, hot shower? I just hope that big pile of wet towels isn't on the floor like it was this morning.
Aww, you guys are so sweet.
No, but what -- what about all the science stuff? All the fun.
You know -- snapping each other in the butts with your goggle straps.
You know what? Staying here a few more days may help me kick this sickness a little faster.
- There you go.
- Wait a second.
I thought I already packed my laptop.
Why is it on the hallway table? Uh, why is anything anywhere? Why aren't our feet at the end of our arms? Who opened my 12th-grade Grapes of Wrath essay? Uh Oh, my God.
You just want me to stay here so you can steal all of my old homework.
I can't wait to hear what you have to say about this lapse in judgment.
Hey, it's better than what Mom's doing.
She's just using you to yell at us.
I would nip that back talk in the bud.
I can't believe it.
He's right! Honey, you're getting upset again.
Come on.
Let's go get a treat.
Stop with the petting and -- and the walks.
You're using me as a therapy dog.
That's ridiculi-- Am I? Well what about what Luke's doing? We just dealt with him.
And, Haley you are the only one who really cares about me.
That's it! I'm going back to school.
I will drive you, sweetie.
Alex, no.
Stop! Stay! How do you ask a human not to go, again? - Alex, wait! - Right.
ALEX: (breathing heavily) We're still leaving.
She's just catching her breath.
- Come on.
- I feel so bad.
I had no idea what I was doing.
I feel worse.
I really, really knew what I was doing.
Our poor sick daughter.
We should be taking care of her.
LUKE: So, is knowing all this enough, or do we have to, like, do something? (gasps) Breaks my heart.
I should quit my job and nurse her back to health.
You got fired, didn't you? Alex had to take the semester off.
I was disappointed 'cause she was disappointed, but I was also kind of happy to have her home a little longer.
- Aww.
- Mask! Cam? Oh, I just wanted to tell her how proud I was of how she handled herself today, but she's already asleep.
Well, you can tell her in the morning, okay? Oh, by the way, I found an article online about a family of Montenegrin art restorers -- Let it go, babe.
Come on.
Come on.
Oh, Cam.
(gasps) Look what she did.
Jay, what are you doing? Come to bed.
I've got these new state-of-the-art cameras.
I thought I'd review the day, see how many times our neighbor glared at us.
Wait a second.
Is that Manny licking cupcake wrappers from the trash? I knew he'd fold.
Ah, the vigor.
It's almost pornographic.
Are these cameras everywhere? Yeah.
That's the garbage area.
Then we got the backyard, front door.
Go inside.
That's Joe peeing in the corner, not Stella.
That's it.
He lives outside now.
We'll watch him from the cameras.
Hold on.
You have a problem.
I'm gonna get you one of those rubber remotes they put in nursery schools and insane asylums.
Thank you.