Modern Family Episode Scripts

N/A - Weathering Heights

1 Oh, thank God.
I smell coffee.
This morning has gotten off to a bit of a Rocky Horror Picture Show.
What did you do to your face? Just a little color to make my eyes pop.
Like yours are now.
Is this how we find out you're transitioning? Oh, please don't pick a young name.
The world doesn't need a 50-year-old Jasmine.
Trust me, this'll look completely normal on camera.
This just in -- I'm gonna be on the news.
They're doing a segment on the real-estate market, and I'm their local expert.
Back to you, Claire.
I'm still reeling from the last time you were on the news.
NEWSCASTER: And while people have found all sorts of ways to beat the heat, one local man is using his head.
Is it warm out? I hadn't noticed.
Oop.
Looks like I need to re-apply.
To clown college? Haley, go with him.
Make sure he gets all that stuff off his face.
I'll pack paper towels and a squeegee.
Ugh.
What is wrong with me? I feel so fuzzy.
Oh, stop being so hard on yourself.
It's just arm hair.
(sighs) I can't figure out this crossword puzzle.
I -- I think mono turned my mind to mush.
What's the clue? Maybe I can help.
(laughs) Thanks, Mom.
Feels good to laugh.
What is so funny? I am a well-read college graduate.
I think I'm capable of doing a crossword puzzle.
Okay, professor.
Six-letter word, Archimedes' exclamation.
I don't like you right now.
Ugh.
Why can't I get this? Archimedes' exclamation.
Eureka.
We may never know the answer to that clue, but it made me realize this was my chance to finally beat Alex at Scrabble.
I have never beaten her.
She's not the nicest winner.
(gasps) I win, you lose! I win! I win! You lose! Win, win, win, win, win, win, win! Lose, lose, lose, lose, lose! - Thank you for bweakfast.
- You're welcome, sweetie.
(sighs) Did you hear that? "Bweakfast.
" It's a good thing that we're taking him to speech therapy.
I want everybody to understand every single thing he says.
(thick accent) Do you want marmalade on your brioche toast? Not a clue.
You're probably right to nip that speech problem in the bud.
Mitchell had a lisp we let slide.
Now we got a lifetime of "What if?" That is so offensive.
A lisp doesn't make you gay.
Being gay makes you lisp.
Well, I finished the video for my Juilliard application.
I think they're going to be blown away.
Art school, huh? Well, you can always sell oranges by the side of the road.
Don't listen to him.
Go to your art school, be a playwright.
Thank you.
You can live here as long as you want.
How does an artsy, well-read, child of divorce A Columbian dropped In the middle of a forgotten plot In suburbia with confidence and -- (click) You copied that from that play "Hamilton," right? I'm not sure "copied" is the word.
It's more of an homage.
Well, I homaged it about two weeks on "Jay Talking.
" You saw that episode, right? - Okay.
- I rhymed "rice pudding" with "Cuba Gooding.
" Both delicious, by the way.
(sighs) Oh, good God.
There are thousands of "Hamilton" parodies, and half of them are college applications.
It's okay, Papi.
Maybe the people in New York haven't heard about "Hamilton.
" (sighs) The deadline for early admission is tomorrow.
I'll never come up with something great by then.
Yes, you will, and I'll help.
You'd do that for me? Anything for you, kid.
I got to get this kid out of the house.
All his crazy quirks.
The farther away, the better.
I keep leaving brochures around for schools at sea.
All right, carb up, buddy.
Tackle these pancakes like it's fourth and goal on the one-yard line.
(both laugh) Good one, Coach.
Life's more fun when you put stuff in football terms.
Pancakes, yay! Oh, uh, we're actually out of those.
(muffled) You can have the rest.
No, no! We put some performance supplements in there that could mess with you as a lady.
What else is there? Well, I'm going to the store later.
In the meantime, you can have some fruit.
That's real? I thought it was just for show.
My star player Dwight has been living with us ever since his father was transferred to an army base in Florida.
He's doing his part for our country, so I thought I could do my part for our team.
Who's to say who the bigger hero is.
I will.
He is.
I've had to wake up a half hour earlier to use the bathroom -- The soldier is the hero.
Ugh.
What are we gonna do? Oh, sweetie, I know.
- Ready to go? - Yes! Yes! Dwight and I are going shopping.
He's gonna help me pick out some cool new kicks.
Like Richard Gere taking Julia Roberts to the store.
That is right.
We watched "Pretty Woman" last night.
(giggles) I guess that would've been my window to eat something.
Okay, hold still.
You have very deep-set eyes.
In college, they called my "The Raccoon.
" Although, that could've been because I climbed in through the doggy door at Zeta house and stole a pie.
My God.
I'm beautiful.
(laughs softly) Honey, you could do this for a living.
I have thought about it.
I've been practicing on people since Luke was 3.
Mo-o-o-o-ther nature.
You're not gonna believe who's behind you.
- Rainer Shine! - Who? The weatherman.
Don't you watch the news? Yeah, at the gas station.
He's coming this way.
Just Whoa, careful now.
There's a stipulation in my contract -- I have to be the best-looking guy here.
(laughs gushingly) Stop it.
Rainer Shine.
It's, just, s-so nice to meet you.
That isn't your real name, is it? Ow, I'm not letting you behind that curtain.
That's my name, and these are my teeth.
My name's Phil Dunphy.
I'm doing a little real-estate segment.
Could become a regular thing.
This is my make-up artist/daughter, Haley Dunphy.
It is a pleasure.
You know, I think you sold my neighbor's house -- Doris Jacobs.
Uh, white, mid-century, big back porch? That's her.
(chuckles) I need to wash my hands.
Where's the restroom? Oh, of course.
You're gonna want to go down that hallway, push through the big double doors.
You're gonna see some air vents on the way there.
It's just past that cold-air system.
Bring a sweater.
It tends to get a little chilly in that neck of the woods.
- Wow.
- Wow.
Nice shooting the breeze with you, Phil.
You too.
Hey, uh, listen.
This might be kind weird, but would you ever want to grab a beer? Sure.
Sounds like fun.
All right! (chuckles) Here you go.
Oh! C-- call me three times.
(chuckles) I'm kidding.
Just call me once.
Tonight -- if you're around.
I'll see if I can squeeze you into my 10-day outlook.
(laughing) Okay.
Do meet your heroes.
What have you got? What says to Juilliard, "I'm your guy"? I look straight into the camera and say, "Molière, Beckett, Delgado.
" Yes, it's bold to include my own name, but so is the sheer act of putting pen to paper.
You're kidding, right? Why? What's wrong? It's smug and privileged and precious.
No art school's gonna want that.
Okay.
How about this? We open on a blank sheet of paper.
Under a Mozart fugue, we suddenly see a drop of blood.
Is it the admissions committee slitting their wrists? (sighs) Fine.
The year is 18-- No! You're on the wrong track here.
They're gonna get a million applications from artsy little snots.
You've got to stand out.
When everybody else zigs, you've got to zoink.
Isn't it "zag"? Exactly.
Hi.
We're back.
I don't know what this is, but I love it.
There's mud out front, so Dwight insisted.
Apparently, they're not cool after you get them dirty.
Oh! Last night, we also watch "An Officer and a Gentleman.
" Yeah, he lift me up where I belong.
- (laughs) Okay.
- Knock, knock! Yeah.
Hi, Ms.
Pasternack.
I got to go meet some friends.
- I'll see you guys later? - Okay.
Be careful, Dwight.
Here.
I brought by some more liquor bottles for Lily's project.
Wha-- wh-- What project? I don't know.
I caught her going through my garbage, and she said she needed liquor bottles.
Well, that's weird.
Anyway, tell her I'll have a couple more for her tomorrow.
Okay.
Bye-bye.
Take care.
She can't baby sit anymore.
What project? I don't know.
(bottles clank) We've got a problem here.
Look what I found under Dwight's bed.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Yeah, it's too bad.
He brought such a great energy to the house.
Mitchell.
I just need a minute to process this.
But the bottom line Karen is your viewers should work with a realtor they can trust.
Someone they can look in the eye.
Boop! I'm confused.
You want me to see that? Well, someone there said I was a real natural.
I can't remember who it was.
Oh, that's right -- Rainer Shine.
The cheesy weatherman? No, the award-winning meteorologist.
He's the recipient of back-to-back Golden Showers.
That cannot be the actual name -- - It's their Oscars.
- Oh.
Anyway, I gave him my number.
He called.
- We're grabbing drinks tonight.
No big deal.
- I agree.
Please.
We both know it's a super big deal.
I am happy that you have a new friend.
Be good to have some guy time.
Yeah.
Well My makeup.
(sighs) I have, like, three D's.
Well, it's better than any report card you ever brought home.
What are you guys doing? Skydiving.
Ugh.
I see where he gets it from.
Wake me when it's my turn.
I thought I could finally beat her because she's sick.
I just want her to lose so bad.
Yeah.
So do I.
(scrabble pieces rattling) Cheating? Are we really doing this? That smug sister of yours needs to be taken down a peg.
Ooh! Peg.
Think bigger.
Pegs.
(Exhales sharply) Okay, Joe, repeat after me.
Red rover, red rover, red rover.
Wed wovah, wed wovah, wed wovah.
Okay, now I want you to try it with a big smile on your face.
TOGETHER: Red rover, red rover, red rover.
Oh.
(chuckles) I am sorry.
It's just sometimes I feel like my accent gets a little [mumbles unintelligibly] and it's gonna rub off on Fulgencio Joseph.
Well, you shouldn't blame yourself, if that's what you just said.
I actually have some exercises that can help you.
Like [Stressing consonants] Betty bought a bit of butter, but found the butter bitter.
(heavy accent) Betty bought a bit 'a bootie, but da bootie bittah.
Uh (dog barking) This is a pretty bad neighborhood, Jay.
This is the story that we're telling -- Scrappy young kid, born into poverty with the deck stacked against him.
I have a calligraphy tutor.
Hop out.
I want to start shooting.
Hey, you're staying in car? I'm gonna drive alongside and film you.
Go ahead.
It's perfectly safe.
(door locks click) Hey.
Did you just lock the door? The car does that automatically.
Here.
Try on this hair net.
Isn't this a little over the top? Was "Stand and Deliver" over the top? Yes, it was.
Fine, then act angry, like you're sick of taking orders from the white man.
(sighs) Yeah, that I can do.
Walk along that wall, read from your script.
Go.
(clears throat) Hola! "Welcome to the streets I call home.
It's tough out here, so I've had to be tougher.
Because in a place where violence is currency and pain is your best friend" Okay, this is embarrassing.
Please don't shoot this.
You're doing good! Hey, pretend like you're climbing over the wall, in case we want to say this is Mexico.
Not gonna happen.
Fine.
Here's some spray-paint.
Bubble letter me something about gringos.
(doorbell rings) Oh, I wonder who that could be.
Oh, Officer.
Is there a problem? I'm here to arrest Dwight Bullock for underage drinking.
We wanted to give Lily a chance to come clean on her own.
Luckily, we have a friend of a friend who dresses as a cop for work.
He also undresses as a cop for work.
Remember, just act upset, okay? Okay.
Dwight Bullock.
I have to arrest you.
(gasps) You've been a bad boy.
(blubbers) But I didn't do it! I'm innocent! I don't know how that bottle got under the bed! Now we're gonna take it down a notch.
Hold out your wrists.
I've got to take you downtown.
Dwight, I am very disappointed in you.
There's no more football.
(gasps) No more school.
Lily, is there anything you'd like to say to Dwight before he's taken to jail.
I guess.
Martha Stewart said she used the prison time to work on herself.
That is enough! W-w-we know you put the bottle under Dwight's bed.
You owe him an apology this minute.
It isn't fair! He eats everything, he's always in the bathroom, you're watching movies with him, shopping with him.
And you two don't even love me anymore! - Lily! - That is not -- Lily, honey! Do you have the keys to these? I usually let the person who hired me find it in my pants.
Well, if that is the custom, I -- Mitchell.
Oh, my God.
Again? Small bladder, big brain.
That's why we're tied.
I need a "T," an "L," and a "W.
" "T," "L" Hopefully she's too sleepy to notice that she got three W's on her board.
Also, can I take a pee? (P) Yeah.
Coming right up.
- Hmm.
- Something wrong? I texted Rainer, like, three hours ago.
He hasn't responded.
I'm sure he's just playing hard to get.
It's just weird.
We had such a great time last night.
I bet he's busy.
He's a weatherman in southern California.
He has to be ready in case temperatures plunge below 70 degrees.
For your information, there is a wind advisory tonight.
In fact, I'm gonna go take down my chimes.
(cell phone dings) Whoa! - Oh.
- Not him? No.
I sold a house.
(laughs) He's probably just having dinner.
He could be on a date.
Apparently, he's quite the player.
Makes sense.
That could charm the pants off -- What the what?! Hey, Dad.
There he is! (laughs nervously) What is happening? Why are you kissing him? He dropped some serious cash at dinner, so I figured, what the hell? And you.
How could you do this? Do what? Actually, I'm -- I'm taking it kind of slow because she's your daughter.
Yeah, she is, and she's half your age.
You're despicable.
Oh, come on.
Now, listen.
Hi.
Claire.
Rainer, come in.
We'll just talk this out.
I would like that because I -- I don't quite understand -- What friendship means? Look, Phil, I -- I want to figure this out, but right now, I have to get to Chavez Ridge - and cover this wind event.
- Mm.
You know what? We're not friends.
Go.
Get Phil? You're being ridiculous.
You really want to leave things like that? From now on, we're getting our weather from Tricia Tazaki! (door slams) (sighs) (annunciating exaggeratedly) Fred fed Ted bread.
Ted fed Fred bread.
What am I looking at? Joe's doctor gave me some sp-heech exer-cises to help me speak more clear-ely.
The problem is I fee-ear I have forgotten how I used to talk.
Well, if it's any consolation, this isn't any worse.
Manny! Check this out.
I think I took a stab at finishing your video essay.
JAY: In a world divided into the haves and have-nots, a boy was born.
It's tough out here, so I've had to be tougher.
JAY: On the streets, you can't trust anyone.
Even your closest compadre could turn on you.
Please don't shoot! Every day was a battle for your s-- (click) I can't send this to Juilliard.
It's all lies.
That's right, Manny.
Do not change who you are or you will lo-o-ose what makes you spe-cial.
Am I still do-ing it? They're not all lies.
I hear you the stories you two tell about the neighborhoods you lived in, growing up on the passenger seat of a cab.
Sure, I put in what we professionals call "sizzle," but this is a part of who you are.
And it's a lot easier to root for than a kid who insists that 72% of his chocolate is cocoa.
It's "cacao.
" I believe that that is his point.
What was that? How about I ask the questions.
When did you two set up this little rendezvous? While I was killing it on the air? He called me today.
How'd he get your number? He said you gave it to him.
That lying sack -- Uh-oh.
(both laughing) Anyway, I dated my makeup girl for a while, but, uh, then she had to leave town.
Oh.
Wow.
Well, if -- if it's not crossing a line, can I give you my daughter Haley's number? - Really? - Yeah, she's available, and she actually expressed some interest.
Well, I'm definitely interested.
(chuckling) Well, then let's make this happen.
- Phil Denphy, you are the best! - No.
I thought it was about a makeup job.
I like him.
He's a good guy.
No, he's not.
He's a great guy.
Dad, run to him.
(inhales sharply) Claire, I'm going out! (door closes) Uh Admit it, it's over.
I'm ahead by 50 points, and you have two tiles left.
There's got to be something! I -- ugh -- Why can't I see it?! Six months ago, I was at Caltech, and now -- ugh -- work.
Relax, honey.
It's just a game.
What if it's more than that? What if mono permanently changed my brain? I've always defined myself by my intelligence, and if that's gone, who am I? A loser.
Luke! No! We cheated.
Luke and I messed with the tiles.
- What?! - Yeah, it's just that, you're the smartest one in the family, and you always rub it in, and it doesn't make us feel good.
Wow.
I am so sorry.
I feel terrible that I've been making you guys feel this way.
Thank you for opening up to me about it.
Otherwise, I never would have known that you cheated, which means that I win, you lose! I win! You lose! I win! You lose! I win [panting] you lose.
God, I'm so tired.
If you want to shave off her eyebrows, I'm cool with that.
Lily, honey, what're you doing? Okay.
Her first ice out.
Be strong.
G-- Lily.
All right, all right, come on.
What you did to Dwight was wrong, okay? We're very disappointed in you.
Yes, and there's gonna be consequences.
- Mm-hmm.
- No electronics for a week.
That'll be worse for you than for me.
No dessert.
Okay, that hurts.
That being said, we could've handled things a little bit better.
We should've talked to you before having Dwight move in.
You mean I could have stopped it? Well, no, but at least we would've know how you felt, and we could've made things easier for you.
Sweetie, look, I, of all people, know what it feels like to go from being the center of attention -- I went through it with my parents back on the farm, when they brought home a seven-pound little pink bundle of joy and said, "You're gonna share your room --" We all know it's gonna be a pig.
Anyway, he would snore (giggles) Okay, I'm sorry I lied.
(sighs) Thank you.
You have to apologize to Dwight, too.
I'll try to catch him in between bites.
Oh! (chuckles) Hey, I have an idea.
Let's think of something we can all do together, okay? Just the four of us.
Anything you want.
Absolutely anything.
Three years ago, they gave me an "absolutely anything," and I wasted it on a Popsicle.
That was not gonna happen again.
Well, now, this is a lovely party.
- Mm.
- It's a splendid afternoon.
- More tea? - No thanks.
My cup is still full.
No, it isn't.
But I didn't drink it all.
Just take the tea.
(wind howling) Anyway, after the lightning strike, I had the perm for, like, two years.
How's that? Rainer! Phil.
What are you doing here? You're not one of those storm chasers, are you? Not since the movie "Twister" exposed how cutthroat it is.
I came here to apologize.
Oh, you don't have to do that.
Yes, I do.
I was confused, and I said a bunch of stuff that you didn't deserve.
It did hit me, right around the mid-section.
Listen, Haley's old enough to make her own decisions.
I really like her, but if dating her is gonna be a problem I don't love the 25-year age difference.
It's actually 20 2 -- Le-- I would just hate to think that dating her meant that you and I still couldn't be, you know, friends.
You still want to be friends? I do! Phil, I know a million people, but I really don't have a lot of real friends.
Not even the sports guy? You guys are always laughing so crazy hard out of the commercials.
Chip Fielder? No.
That's all fake.
Fake as Tricia Tazaki's shelter dogs! (chuckles) Careful, buddy.
Look, maybe you should go.
I'm not going anywhere! I'm going live in a second.
You're in my shot.
Oh.
I get it.
Call me.
Call me! (wind howling) That's right, Steve, but you're gonna want to leave your kites at home tonight.
My wind-erful forecast right after this.
(sighs) (Uplifting music plays) My name is Manny Delgado, and I'm two people.
I'm the child of an immigrant single mother, who taught me to believe in myself and dream big.
I'm also the step-son of a businessman who opened his home and his heart to me and showed me, by example, how to make those dreams come true.
Whatever I am, whatever I have to give, is a product of these two very different worlds.
It was so sweet that Jay cried a little bit.
He's a good kid.
And it's gonna be weird around here without him, but at least I'll always have my special girl.
Mmm! And you'd never leave me, would you, baby? Mm! I just want you to know I'm really okay with you dating Rainer.
Thanks, Dad.
Yeah, he's got a really nice house -- Jacuzzi tub in his bathroom.
Don't love that you know that.
Look up.
Hey, he mentioned this hair spray that's just oil and a little sea salt.
Oh, that's more for conditioning that hold.
Okay, wow, that was a close one.
All right.
Now, brush blot (smacks lips) (smacks lips) - And beautiful.
- Thanks, honey.
It's really great they're having you back on the news.
No, no, I'm getting a new driver's license photo.