Mom s07e07 Episode Script

Mom? Adam? Yes.
I said I didn't want to go, and you made me go.
No.
Then you sat there like a lump.
I finally find a couple we can be couple friends with, and you consciously uncoupled us.
The guy called soccer "football.
" He's from Milwaukee.
There's no excuse for that.
Why are you so hung up on having couple friends? It's what you do when you get married.
You cultivate relationships with other couples.
You go to movies together, you meet for sushi, you stay at their beach house.
They had a beach house.
Really? Do they have any kids my age? Don't bother.
He killed it.
And not the good kind of "killed it" like you young people say.
Fine, if it'll make you happy, I'll have another brutal dinner with a couple of hipsters you met at the Artichoke Festival.
Are you kidding? 'Cause when I said we should do this again, their voices jumped three octaves.
"Yeah, absolutely!" Well, if you're looking for a fun hang, I'll go out with you guys.
Yeah, absolutely.
It's just, I've waited so long to get married, I want the whole married package, and that package includes couple friends.
You know, the kind you go on bicycle trips with.
Adam's in a wheelchair.
- Or take wine-tasting classes.
- You're an alcoholic.
Or help you bury relentlessly negative friends in the desert.
She's taking a shot at you.
I don't know if you caught it.
Like those idiots could bury me.
Well, couple friends are great until two of you stay behind in the lodge while your spouses go skiing, and next thing you know, your husband's asking you how you got rug burns on your knees playing Scrabble.
Well, you just got a lot more interesting.
Um, hello? Hi.
Not you.
- What about me and Andy? - Interesting pitch.
Bring it home.
Well, I do believe I am the only other one at this table who's coupled up.
Some of us are just a little pickier.
Maybe a little too picky.
For the last time, I'm not gonna date any of your widowed mall-walking friends.
Seymour is a very vigorous 72.
- That's still way too - We'll talk about this at home.
I'll take a mall walker.
As long as he doesn't actually have a walker.
Oh, screw it, he can have a walker.
But he has to have his hair.
Ugh, what do I need hair for? I'm desperate, too.
I just hit on my Sparkletts guy.
It didn't go well.
I can't have water now.
You know, you and Andy could be fun.
We think so.
I mean, you don't have a vacation home, but you do have a nice pool.
I have a vacation home.
- You do? - No.
Not in Santa Barbara, not anywhere Split six ways? Actually, I only had soup.
Oh, I did have two iced teas.
I'll get the calculator.
I'm gonna hit the ladies'.
Tell me what I owe you when I get back.
I'll go with you.
You know what they say about BLTs.
You don't buy 'em, you rent 'em.
Wouldn't that be true of all food? I find it's best not to press these things.
I don't have to go, I just need to talk.
Oh, okay.
I'll just, I'll just be a minute.
No, Marjorie is driving me nuts.
Can this wait a sec? Christy, I was in prison seven years.
The mystery's gone.
Okay, don't have to go anymore.
You see how she's going all Scrooge McDuck with the bill? That's nothing compared to how she is at home.
She's cheap, she's controlling.
I mean, even the cats are avoiding her.
I'm serious.
We exchange knowing glances.
You think it's hard living with Marjorie? Try living with my mother.
She is the reason I don't bring guys home.
Well, she's one of the reasons.
Does Bonnie freak out when you accidentally throw out the Valpak? "Damn it to hell, you threw out the Valpak!" That is such a Marjorie word.
"Valpak.
" Oh, you know what's another good one? "Trash bag.
" "Tammy, I found a Valpak in the trash bag.
" It's not funny when you live with it, Christy.
If it's so bad, why don't you save up some money and get your own place? I have enough money now.
I'm crushing it with the handyman stuff.
Williams-Sonoma has me fixing stuff there for the next three weeks.
Did you know that they make pasta with zucchini? Still vegetables.
You have money to live alone without an annoying older woman? That's my dream.
You each owe 16 bucks, so wipe it, zip it, wrap it up.
Move out.
Do it, do it for me.
Get out.
It's a grill and a stick-burning smoker? Buddy, you can make a cake with this thing.
Won't it stink? Yeah.
But you made it in a barbecue.
And check this out.
You can isolate zones.
I'm going slow and low on the pork butt while I sear with high heat on the lamb chops.
See this? It's my mind.
Know why it's over here? 'Cause it's blown.
- To meat.
- Meat.
Look at 'em.
It's like the best play-date ever.
I don't think I'm gonna get mine to leave.
You guys are such a nice break from Andy's cop friends.
I mean, how many times can a girl laugh when a guy says "Don't worry, it is a gun in my pocket.
" I'm willing to bet at least one of them wasn't a gun.
Herb, with the lingering hugs.
I got to say, I'm glad we did this.
Doing this couple thing is fun.
It is.
So this Santa Barbara house, if we climb a tree, can we see Oprah? - To dessert.
- To dessert.
They should make meat dessert.
Like meat in a pie.
Meatloaf pot pie.
But no peas.
Why do people ruin everything with peas? Get out of here, peas.
Mm.
Okay.
Whoa.
One more Predator handshake.
Do you want to be Dutch? I am Dutch.
What's the matter, Dillon? FBI got you pushing too many pencils? Did we look this stupid when we were drinking? Yes, but I still got laid.
And let's be honest, so will they.
Hey, babe.
Babe.
Let's fire up the 'cuzza Jacuzzaroo.
He has never called it that.
Come on, Bonnie, 'c-cuzzaroo.
'Cuzzaroo! 'Cuzzar Oh, like there's a chance in hell we're gonna get naked in front of - I loved your share, Tammy.
- Thanks.
Even though you did ignore the timer twice.
I live a big life, Marjorie.
And it wasn't twice .
We'll talk about this at home.
I need you.
What's going on? I found a great apartment, but I got to give them a check on Friday or I lose the place.
Fantastic.
Give them a check.
I still haven't told Marjorie.
I started to, but then I got cold feet.
And then I accidentally threw out another Valpak, so I was coming from a position of weakness.
Will you talk to her for me? This is something you got to do alone.
Like your 40s.
Please? I work a half-day at Williams-Sonoma tomorrow.
You guys can come by and we can go out to lunch.
Okay, but you're assuming she's gonna be upset.
She could be happy.
Why would she be happy? Right, she's gonna be devastated.
It'll be good.
- Hey, couple buddy.
- Hey, you.
Adam could not stop talking about Andy and your barbecue.
So, listen, what do you say we recapture the magic this weekend? Maybe take a little drive down to your place in Santa Barbara? Ooh, this weekend? - Or next.
- Ooh, next? We could do it another time.
Do you want to do it another time? Yeah, absolutely.
Let's make a date.
I have a calendar on my phone.
I just learned how to, how to use it.
Way to go, pally.
Jill and Andy hate us, and it's all your fault.
Jill and Andy don't hate us.
Yes, they do.
They don't want to go out with us anymore.
So now it's just gonna be you, me, and let's be honest Christy until we die.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Andy and I are great.
- Yeah, I thought so, too, when he was Officer and a Gentleman-ing you out of the hot tub, but, uh apparently not.
- Why are you so sure it's me? - Who else was there? "Andy, want to grab a beer?" Prepare to be ghosted, because you're never gonna "Now? Sure.
" And a fist bump.
It's you.
Oh.
It smells so good in here.
It's like a pumpkin made love to a gingerbread man in an orange grove.
I'm just excited you got to meet some of my mall walker friends.
Seymour really is vigorous.
I hope he calls.
- Oh, my God.
- What? Valerie Bertinelli has that mixer.
Tell Seymour I want this for Christmas.
Can I offer you a sample? Tomato focaccia with basil-infused olive oil.
Ooh.
Sounds yummy.
Thanks.
Um, I don't suppose that you would be hiring, would you? Uh, well, you could go to our website and fill out an application.
Do you know what a website is? I believe I can figure it out.
Good for you! Marjorie, is everything all right? Yeah.
Why? 'Cause it sounded like you were asking for a job.
Okay.
I'm a little embarrassed about this, so please don't tell the other ladies, but I am having a few financial issues.
But I thought Victor had money.
Well, he did.
And then he got sick, and between the meds and the home health care, there's very little left.
I'm so sorry.
Well, thank God for Tammy.
If she weren't kicking in on rent, I think I might not still have the house.
Hey, guys! Oh, my God, aren't those good? I've been eating so many, my blood type's tomato focaccia-positive.
That's just a little Willy Sonoma humor.
All right, let's go do this lunch.
No-no-no, no lunch.
Yes, lunch.
We have a lot to talk about.
But I'm not hungry anymore.
But you promised you'd be hungry.
But now I've changed my mind.
But we were gonna have this lunch, and you were gonna support me through that.
But now I'm not, so I will support you at a future meal TBD.
Oh for heaven's sakes.
She doesn't think I can afford lunch because I just told her I was having a few money problems.
And that your rent was really saving her.
Oh! No lunch.
Knock, knock.
Bonnie.
What are you doing here past two maids and a gate? I was just in the neighborhood, thought I'd drop in to find out why you hate me.
Is it 'cause I broke the fairy statue in the guest bathroom? It's a sea sprite, and I didn't know about that.
The wings are in the toilet tank.
- So, what'd I do? - Nothing.
Great.
So, when are the four of us gonna hang out again? Real soon.
Look at you, lying to me right in front of Buddha.
I'm not lying! Really? You sure about that? I know "real soon" is code for "don't want to do it.
" Okay, then why don't you shut up and pretend like everything's fine like a normal person? Because I want to know what I did.
Oh, God.
It isn't you, it's Adam.
I knew it! Is it the loud chewing? 'Cause maybe we just don't have salad.
No.
It's not that.
He's a great guy.
I was just really uncomfortable watching Andy get drunk.
I've never seen him like that before.
And you're afraid if he and Adam hang out, it'll become a regular thing? Well, Adam does like to party.
I guess I just realized that I don't want to be around that anymore.
I don't know how you do it.
Honestly, I don't mind.
When he has a beer and a half at night, it reminds me I can't drink that way, and when he occasionally gets sloppy, it reminds me I don't want to drink that way, so Also, he broke the sea sprite.
Do you think I'm being too rigid? What I think doesn't matter.
You have to do what's right for you.
Thanks.
You're a really good friend.
The kind of friend who gets a spare key to your Santa Barbara house? Don't say anything.
Think about it.
Oh, by the way, it was you.
I just never expected to be without money at this age.
It's humiliating.
Who will hire me? I haven't worked in years.
I'm over 65.
I have a record.
Don't worry.
There's gonna be plenty of places that will hire you.
Tammy, would you pass the focaccia? Mm.
Ooh, are those samples? No, we brought them from home.
Nice work, Christy.
I've been job hunting for weeks.
If I don't find something, I may have to sell my house.
What'll happen to my cats? They're old.
Like me.
People don't take in old cats.
Yeah, but unlike you, people can't necessarily tell that the cats are old.
Look, Marjorie, I've been where you are.
I know how you feel, so I'm going to say to you what you always say to me when I'm spinning out.
You have a roof over your head.
- Yes, but - Are your bills paid? Okay.
I know where this is going.
Do you have food in your fridge? Yes.
Minus the French vanilla yogurt.
I didn't eat it, I spilled it.
You know what? We'll talk about it at home.
Just take it one day at a time.
At least for today, you have everything you need.
Worst-case scenario, which rarely happens, you're never gonna be on the street, because you have us.
And we're roomies for life.
In fact, you should raise my rent.
I'm making money like a call girl at the ESPYs.
Mmm, smells good.
Well, that's curious, 'cause nothing's cooking yet.
Got to get this baby seasoned up so it can rest before it faces the flame.
Hey, would you mind grabbing me a beer? I'd get it myself, but, you know, the timing on this is crucial.
Andy, can we talk? You mean right now, during the crucial seasoning phase? Yeah.
Uh sure.
I don't know how to say this.
Well, you know, take your time and gather your thoughts.
No, I need to get this out now.
Yeah.
The other night when Bonnie and Adam were here, I just I don't know, I-I was really uncomfortable being around that kind of drinking.
Oh.
Yeah, uh, sorry about that.
We kind of went overboard.
The thing is it made me realize that I want to have a sober home, and that includes being with someone who doesn't drink.
Oh.
This is hard, because you're the best thing that's happened to me in a long time.
Maybe ever.
And it's not like I think you have a drinking problem.
I know you drink like a regular guy.
But, honestly, I don't want to kiss you and taste beer.
Not that that's wrong for you.
I mean, you have your way of living, and I have mine.
Maybe the two don't blend.
Like-like a bad Long Island iced tea.
You know, I've had some good ones, I've had some bad ones, I've had a lot of 'em because I'm an alcoholic.
And this just isn't gonna work out between the two of us, um, so goodbye.
Or I could just not drink.
What? I mean, if it makes you uncomfortable, I won't drink.
You can do that? Absolutely.
Oh, my God.
I love that you would do that for me.
Aw And I hate you because you can.
You know, I love Marjorie.
And I know she's going through a tough time, and I'm gonna be there for her no matter what it takes.
But I got to be honest.
It is not easy.
I'm so stressed.
I wake up every night in a cold sweat because I dreamt I accidentally threw out the Valpak again You know what? You do get used to it.