Mom s07e06 Episode Script

Wile E. Coyote and a Pretentious Douche

1 You know, you might want to tell your bride about all the self-help books you own before you get married.
It was a phase.
And did you ever find "the child within"? - Yeah, I married her.
- (laughs) You gonna comment on every box we're gonna unpack that's mine? You're the one who married a child.
(chuckles softly) Ooh.
Patton, The Dirty Dozen, The Great Escape.
We get it.
You have a penis.
If you're only finding that out now, I'm doing something wrong.
Ooh, Oscar alert.
Street Racer 2.
That's not the actual movie.
That's just some video with me and my stunt buddies screwing around on set.
- Oh, we got to fire that up.
- We do? Everyone said I was crazy to save this VCR machine.
Who's crazy now? Oh, where's my phone, where's my phone, where's my phone? In your hand, in your hand, in your hand.
Yes, thank you.
(sighs) Now, where are my keys? Check it out.
We're gonna watch some of Adam's old home movies.
I have to pick up my boss's dry cleaning.
Some would say demeaning.
I say phase one of my rocket ride to the top.
Optimism, the sober woman's cocaine.
(chuckles) Oh, look at you.
So cute in your little race car outfit.
That's a certified fireproof racing suit.
Men have died in those.
(baby talk): And I just want to eat up your little face in it.
Oh, my God.
(laughing) Hey.
You're walking.
Yeah, I used to walk.
I used to run.
I used to dance like a white guy.
(exhales) Still got it.
Check out all the girls.
They're all over you.
Is that Cheryl Ladd? No, it's her stunt double.
But after a few beers, it's Cheryl Ladd.
What am I doing? I got to go.
Yes, I am wearing a bra.
Onward! Okay, let's take all these boxes and stuff 'em under the bed with the rest of the stuff I don't know why I keep.
(grunts) Coming.
(Adam clears throat on TV) I'm about to make someone who went to Yale Drama School look like they know how to drive a race car.
(chuckles) On fire.
Got the bra.
Forgot the panties.
So Christy, where the hell's my dry cleaning? - Christy! - I'm here! I'm here! Stupid avocado toast took a big green dump on my blouse.
- I'm so sorry.
My car broke down - Blouse.
So it got towed to a shop in the middle of nowhere, and I think I saw a guy playing banjo.
And, of course, I couldn't get an Uber, so I had to take the bus, and - Buttons.
- Yep.
And I was so surprised, because it's a fairly new car.
- Move with me.
- Yeah.
Um, I bought it from my ex-husband, - which, I don't know - Will you shut up? I just texted "I bought it from my ex-husband" to a judge.
Where is my coffee? Um, well, again, uh, my car is broken down and so I couldn't get it.
Well, it better be on my desk by the time I get back.
- If I don't have my coffee, I'm mean.
- Uh-huh.
I'm still a woman.
Yes, sir.
Well, I got nothing to talk about today.
So, what's the deal? You don't say anything until I can't stand the silence and then I start yapping about myself? That's, uh, what they teach you in shrink school? First day.
(chuckles) Well, not for nothing, I saw Adam walking.
In an old videotape.
He's in a wheelchair, you know.
Yes, I know.
I actually listen when you speak.
So, seeing Adam walk, how did that make you feel? Shrink school day two? We all come in pretty much knowing that one.
Uh it made me feel like Adam and I don't talk about how the accident made him feel.
- You've never discussed it? - Early on.
He told me he flew off a cliff on a snowboard and snapped his vertebrae.
But he, you know, made it sound sexy and cute, like first date banter.
But nothing since then? I make jokes when we watch Wile E.
Like when he runs off the cliff but he doesn't realize it till he looks down and then he holds up a sign that says, "Yikes.
" (laughs) Yeah, Adam doesn't laugh either.
The thing is (sighs) he never gets real about what happened.
- He may not want to.
- What's your point? He may not want to.
But I want to.
I'm his wife.
We should be able to talk about something as important as this.
But if he doesn't, you have to respect his wishes - and accept that.
- (blows raspberry) Okay, that's one.
You know you're only allowed two per session.
(sighs) The thing is, I don't want to be married to someone who's an island.
I want a real partner.
Do you know I've never seen him cry? Well, once when he heard the Raiders were moving to Vegas.
That was a hard day for a lot of people.
I just wish he would open up to me more.
What are you smirking at? You think this is funny? I just think it's funny that you thought you had nothing to talk about.
(blows raspberry) (sputtering) No, no.
It's a bug in my mouth.
(sputters) Britney! Almond milk latte! - Britney! - Excuse me.
I've been waiting.
I'm in a real rush here.
So is everybody, darling.
Well, darling, not everybody's gonna get yelled at the way I'm gonna get yelled at.
Like I'm getting yelled at now? Leslie! Caramel macchiato! Leslie! Seriously? Who's Leslie banging to get her drink first? Oh, hey.
Look, the next one better be "Veronica! "Triple shot espresso! Veronica!" What is taking you so long? I have circled the block, double-parked and bought a pair of shoes.
- You like? - Bevel.
- Love.
- Thanks.
Don't be nice to him.
He's skipping me on purpose because he's a giant ass.
My ass is tiny and perfect.
- (phone chimes) - (gasps) Look at that.
"Where's my coffee?" All caps.
- All caps! - Getting loud.
Veronica! Triple shot espresso with oat milk and caramel drizzle! Veronica! Not drizzle.
- I said "pump"! - You said "drizzle.
" She wants caramel pump.
Pump! Pump, pump, pump! - Pump! - Okay.
Careful, honey, you're about to go viral, and you are not having a good hair day.
You're really not.
(chuckles) So, that videotape this morning, that must've brought back memories.
I guess.
Misty water-colored? What? - It's part of a song.
- Oh.
Memories Sometimes tough to talk about But it's healthy to discuss it The way You were.
I'm not sure why you're singing, but I'm good.
Goody, goody, good, good.
BONNIE: Stop it.
Don't say anything else.
Go full Trevor on his ass.
The uncomfortable silence will drive him crazy, and he'll start yapping.
Just be patient.
He'll crack.
Live in the silence.
Live in the freakin' silence Mm Am I crazy or do I sound like Adele? I should cut a demo.
He didn't say anything for a half hour.
He just sat there.
Wouldn't even talk to me.
Who does that? Side note, if I had a cabaret, sang a few songs, would you guys come? Ugh.
I bet you already ordered, right? 'Cause, God forbid, you wait for us.
We haven't ordered yet.
Yeah, 'cause we're late.
Just get off my back.
What's your problem? Abort, abort.
Do not poke the honey badger.
Guess who got kicked out of the only place my boss likes her coffee.
How do you get kicked out of a coffee shop? A homeless guy lives in ours.
You have to go to him for the bathroom key.
It wasn't my fault.
This barista was being crazy rude, and I told him off.
- That doesn't sound like you.
- Oh, it's her.
Ever since she started working for Veronica, it's like living in a horror movie.
Want to start with me? 'Cause I'll end it.
See? She's like a possessed doll.
- Know what I think? - Oh, and now this one.
It's not just Christy.
Everybody's angry these days.
I can't even watch the news without throwing something at the TV.
Last night, she clipped me in the head with an orange.
Eh, it was just a Cutie.
Yeah, but you threw a fastball, and you know I have a tender scalp.
JILL: Oh, common courtesy's a thing of the past.
God forbid, you don't hit the gas as soon as the light turns green.
The other day, a woman cut me off and called me a whore.
You shouldn't have to hear that when you're fully dressed.
(clears throat) I'm about to make someone (clicks off video) Hey.
What are you doing? Nothing.
Just thinkin' my thoughts.
You were watching that video again? Yeah, you know me.
I love showbiz.
I want to see how the sausage is made.
You behind the scenes.
Were you walking? Wait.
I guess you were.
Come on, Bonnie, just be honest.
About what? You wish I was still that guy.
That's insane.
Well, then why do you keep watching it? I don't know.
I do, and I don't appreciate you lying to me.
Why don't you just admit it You wish that I could still walk.
- No, I don't.
- Yeah, you do.
No, I don't! I just feel sad for you.
Well, you know what? Watching you stumble through your life I feel sad for you, too.
He said he felt sad for me.
Well, perhaps you hurt his feelings when you said you felt sad for him, and he was merely retaliating.
No, no, no.
The truth finally came out under pressure.
It always does.
- That's just your interpretation.
- No, no, no, no, no! No! You should have seen him in this video.
He was full of life, having fun, laughing, gorgeous women draped all over him.
He's got to miss that.
We all miss aspects of our youth.
When you're young, untethered, you can just head up to Vancouver for a weekend of windsurfing with your buddies.
Adam says I wish he was still that guy, but the truth is, he wishes he was that guy, with one of those girls.
I think we've uncovered the real reason why you're obsessed with this video.
We? I've been doing all the heavy lifting.
You were windsurfing somewhere.
Bonnie, do you think it's possible that you're afraid that Adam wouldn't have chosen you if he could still walk? Oh, my God.
You're right.
He'd never be with me.
No, that's not what I said.
- I said you're afraid of that.
- You totally nailed it.
"Walking Adam" would be with perfect Cheryl Ladd, not nut-bag Bonnie Plunkett.
Cheryl Ladd? From Charlie's Angels? I was his last-call, closing-time pickup.
- I'm in a pity marriage.
- Again, not what I said.
You know, just when I think you're a fraud, you have these amazing revelations.
TREVOR: Don't even respond.
Just let her punch herself out.
She'll get tired eventually.
Cheryl Ladd.
Wonder if I still have that poster.
Hey, Sean! Listen I know things got a little out of hand the other day.
- How about we start fresh? - Nope.
You're banned.
Excuse me? Banned.
Rubber banned.
Boys in the Banned.
One Time at Banned Camp.
Sean You can't ban me.
I'm lovable.
Not so much.
Nicholas! Mochachino! Nicholas! Come on, come on, we can work this out.
We got to stick together.
We're both tiny cogs in the big machine.
Well, when you put it that way still banned! Well, in that case Banned on the Run! Hey, that's not yours! That's Nicholas's! Ooh, the good stuff before we open.
Are you celebrating, or is it a cry for help? - It's about Bonnie.
- Cry for help.
Got it.
She found a stupid old tape of me before the accident, and she keeps watching it over and over again.
Oh, yeah, she told us about that.
Of course she did, 'cause she wishes I could still walk.
No, she doesn't.
Bonnie's crazy about you.
You're the only thing she talks about.
- Nice try.
- No, it's true.
The others get sick of it, but I don't.
No, Bonnie would love you even if you were just a head.
'Cause, you know you have classic features.
Yeah, but up until now, she didn't have the old me to compare it to.
Adam, all she wants is for you to open up to her and talk about how you feel.
That's all any of us want from you men.
Just let us in, damn it! - Why are you getting angry? - I don't know! It's going around! What is that? What remains of your coffee after I got tackled on a sidewalk by a surprisingly strong barista.
Honestly, a trained poodle could do your job better.
You know, I am doing the best I can, and I would appreciate it if you didn't belittle me anymore.
Oh, God.
My assistant has feelings and I don't have coffee.
Christy, I am at the gym at 6:00 a.
every morning, punching a heavy bag to get my frustrations out, so I can suffer through another 12-hour day of coddling clients and sucking up to judges.
So when I "belittle" you, be grateful.
Because what I really want to do is wring your ridiculously tiny neck.
Seriously, it's smaller than a sparrow's.
How does your head not just flop around all over the place? I'm gonna ask to be transferred to another lawyer.
Why? You're not happy? No! I gave you advice.
Why not just say "thank you" and take it? What? Gain weight in my neck? No.
Go to a gym.
Punch a bag, sack up, come back here and do your job without whining.
I can't afford a gym membership.
Oh, my God, fine.
I'll give you a freakin' raise.
Really? Yes.
Get out.
And take your dirty street coffee with you.
(door unlocking) Hey.
What are you doing up? (exhales) I met with my therapist today, and, um, everything has become very clear to me.
If you want out of this marriage, I totally understand.
What are you talking about? Trevor made me realize that if you could still walk, you would be with someone else.
- Your therapist said that? - His exact words.
Obviously, if the accident hadn't happened, you'd be with one of those women in the video, not someone like me.
(sighs): Okay, first of all the women in the video Rebecca was a coke addict, Laura was a coke addict, and Jenny was a practicing witch.
And a coke addict.
Second of all, the Adam you saw in that video Not a good guy.
I don't believe it.
You're just trying to make me feel better.
One of the reasons I don't talk about those years, Bonnie, is because it reminds me of who I was back then.
Which was what? A guy that didn't treat women very well.
The accident, as awful as it was (wry chuckle) I got humbled.
I guess that's where I come in? It is, because that guy wouldn't have deserved you.
This guy does.
I mean, think about it.
We've both changed.
If I met you before you got sober, how would that have worked out? (clicks tongue) Oh honey, ha, I would have left your bleached bones by the highway.
So you think maybe we found each other at the right time? Yes.
(chuckles) I can't wait to tell Trevor how wrong he was.
You don't know how to cross-reference a file! (grunts) You call me on the weekends! You don't know how to spell "affidavit"! (gasping breaths) A-F-F-I-D- A-D-I- T! She's just a patient! She does not define you! You're not a fraud.
You're not a fraud!