Mom s07e05 Episode Script

Fake Bacon and a Plan to Kill All of Us

You know, we make a big deal around here when we've been sober for three months.
I just want to say I've been in a committed relationship for three months.
Where's my chip? Really? She wants a boyfriend and a chip? I'm just enjoying that she's missing a button on her blouse.
JILL: I mean, it's going so well it's making me nervous.
We do have our problems.
Andy's a cop, so watching police shows has become incredibly annoying.
He's all, "That's not how we search somebody.
No cop I know can run for five blocks, then jump a fence.
" And then my alcoholic brain starts thinking, "Is this the thing that's gonna make me have to break up with him?" 'Cause it's got to be something.
So I call Marjorie, and she says I should just focus on the fact that I'm in a healthy relationship with a good man who's crazy about me.
If anybody knows how the hell to do that, talk to me after.
Thanks.
(applause) Who else would like to share? Mary.
Hi, I'm Mary, and I'm an alcoholic.
Hello, Mary.
MARY: I had hoped the autumn winds would bring a little change in my life.
Instead, I'm just sad and chilly.
This program has really helped me get my life together.
I wish my family would follow my lead.
I have to call my daughter by 8:00 a.
m.
, otherwise she's too drunk to carry on a conversation.
And my grandson Todd got arrested again.
For stealing a car this time.
At least he's thinking bigger.
But I don't have money for bail, let alone a lawyer.
You know, in the past, I'd be all worked up over that.
But now I trust that my higher power has a plan.
(laughs): So no need to worry.
God's got his eye on Mary.
Thank you.
- (applause) - Hi.
Bonnie, alcoholic.
- Sorry, that's all the time we have.
- What? ALL: God, grant me the serenity Don't worry, I'm totally okay with the fact that you hogged all the time.
Mom! And the wisdom to know the difference.
- Hi.
I'm Bonnie, and I'm an alcoholic.
- What are you doing? I had a rough morning, and I'm not leaving until you people hear about it.
Nothing triggers me more than when people blame me for something that I didn't do.
So I'm at the grocery store, and I pick up one lime, and it starts a lime avalanche.
And then the produce guy looks at me like I should pick them up.
I don't work there.
I didn't build the structurally unsound lime pyramid.
Hey, Mary, wake it up.
I'm telling my story.
Mary.
Oh, my God! Mary, are you all right? Marjorie, call 911.
I should have been able to do more to help her.
I mean, I'm a nurse, for God's sake.
She had an aneurism, there's nothing you could have done.
Maybe we should all find peace in the fact that Mary passed away sober and surrounded by friends who cared about her.
(slurping loudly) Sorry, this is my first sober person death, and I I didn't realize how festive a strawberry milkshake would look.
I can't believe how sudden it was.
Why am I so sad? I barely knew her.
Maybe that's why.
I barely knew her, and now I never will.
Mary's last moment on this earth was me being mean to her.
I'm a horrible person.
Nothing? No comfort from anyone? Mary knew not to take what you said personally.
She probably just tuned you out, like the rest of us do.
You open your mouth, and all I hear is an air conditioner.
That's the comfort I was looking for.
Thank you.
You know, her share today was the most positive I've ever heard her.
Yeah, because she thought God had a plan for her.
And he did.
He was gonna kill her.
I don't think that's how it works.
You know, when you think about it, God has a plan to kill all of us.
It's just a matter of where and when.
(slurping loudly) And how.
Also how.
(slurping) Hey, what are you doing up? Well, I had coffee too late in the day, and also, our friend died suddenly.
That led to questioning God's plan for me, and whether I should trust this guy.
Really? You used to buy drugs from a guy without a nose, but you're running a background check on God? I'm just trying to make sense out of Mary's death.
And I'm-I'm thinking that, you know, maybe I can help her grandson out with his case.
Wait, this is the same grandson who robbed us? Maybe after that, you can take a Nazi to Disneyland.
Please go back to bed.
No.
I'll just lie there beating myself up for being a jerk to Mary.
I wish I could apologize.
You can.
Like talking to the dead? I only 80% believe in that stuff.
Unless you move this glass right now, Mary! Yeah, now I'm at 75.
- I'm talking about a living amends.
- Never heard of it.
Really? Because people share about it all the time at meetings.
Honey, I listen to you, Tammy and sometimes Jill, if she's wearing a bright color.
It's a thing where if you can't make a direct amends to the person you harmed, you take a kinder attitude with everyone else.
What, I was mean to Mary, so now I got to be nice to a bunch of randos? Or just people you know.
Or live with.
Ugh, let me try talking to Mary first.
Mary, I am sorry for being rude to you.
If we're good, I'm gonna need you to move this glass.
She says we're good, and I can stay mean.
Mary, are you gonna haunt my mother if she's not nice to everyone else? Ooh, she's here.
- VERONICA: Christy! - I'm here.
- Christy! - I'm here.
- Christy! - I'm here.
Oh.
Good morning.
I'm working from the floor today.
Okay.
Here's your smoothie.
You'll need to hold it up to my mouth.
Don't look at me when you do it.
It'll make me feel vulnerable.
No, that's my eye.
Find my mouth.
Ah.
Are you all right? I am not.
Last night, while under the influence of a particularly zippy strain of sativa, my Tinder date and I made the ill-advised decision to tape folders to our feet and ski down the stairs.
We terrified my dog, and I tweaked my back.
Then we had sex and I destroyed my back.
Oh! Oh! Spasm.
Help me up! - Ow.
- Sorry.
- Ow.
- Sorry.
- Ow.
Oh! - Sorry.
That feels good.
Stay right there.
Ah.
While I have you, can I ask a quick favor? Well played.
I'm-I'm trying to help out a friend's grandson who just got arrested.
Do you know a criminal lawyer who might be able to handle it pro Bono? - I'll do it.
- You will? All of the partners are required to do pro Bono work.
This is a great opportunity for you to do mine.
I'm still in law school.
You think I'm ready to handle my own case? Oh, God, no.
I just don't care how this turns out.
So, is this the rest of my day? Yep.
Stop moving my head with your boobs.
What are you doing? Well, I was gonna sit there, but then I realized that's where Mary sat, and I didn't want to sit on her spirit.
Like I did when she was alive.
Again, nothing? Look, I admit I did not treat her well, but I'm trying to make up for it.
To that end, I think we should leave this chair empty to honor Mary.
Oh, Mary would love that.
I'm barely holding it together.
Can we not talk about Mary? Speaking of Mary, I called her daughter, and she said they're not planning to have a memorial.
Oh, that's a shame.
It is.
So I'm gonna throw one.
My way of getting to know her a little better.
That is such a loving and kind thing to do.
- Are you being mean? - I'm being sincere.
Yeah.
Still can't tell.
This Mary thing's really scrambled my eggs.
I mean, I know she was way older than the rest of us I think she was a couple years younger than Marjorie.
- What?! - Yup.
It's not just Marjorie's clothes that make her old, it's actual time.
Sorry.
New to nice.
I've never thought about this, but Marjorie could go at any minute.
Oh, yeah, she's definitely next.
Damn it.
Just knock on the door when you're done.
Thank you.
Hello, Mr.
Davis.
My friends call me Stink.
Well, how about we split the difference and call you Todd? My name is Christy Plunkett, and I am here to offer you legal representation.
You're a lawyer? Not yet, but I work for a really mean one, which sucks for me but could be great for you.
I was also a friend of your grandma's.
I'm very sorry for your loss.
Thanks.
You know who's getting her TV? I don't.
As my sort of lawyer, could you find out? Sure.
Oh, I also want her microwave.
It's got a button with a popcorn picture on it.
There's one for a potato, too, but it doesn't work as good.
You know, I was there when your grandmother died.
She loved you so much.
In fact, her last words were about you.
That's nice.
Hey, can I have your bra? Nothing weird.
I'm just gonna sell it to a guy.
He'll probably do something weird with it.
You know what? I am gonna call you Stink.
Hey, Veronica, do you have a minute ? Oh, that's new.
It just got delivered.
I'm hoping to do three to four miles per conference call.
So you're feeling better? Either that, or I'm super high on painkillers.
Maybe both.
Anyway, I went to the jail and interviewed Todd.
Ah.
Interval training.
Just keep going.
I'm talking to you and myself.
I don't think we should represent this guy.
He's definitely guilty and a total scumbag.
Ugh, this thing wants me to climb a mountain now? Christy, take over until it flattens out again.
- I don't see how that would - Take over! (sighs) Christy people who need lawyers tend to be people who make bad choices.
So, do we judge bad choices? No, we love bad choices, because they pay for our shoes and food and vacations.
Do you like shoes and food and vacations? Not these shoes, not right now.
It's just, I know he's gonna get out and steal again, I can just tell.
Well, look, in our justice system, everyone is entitled to a competent defense That's the bottom line.
If you don't believe in that, you shouldn't be a lawyer.
Yeah, you're right.
Ooh! It's leveling again.
- Your turn.
- Nope, I got to pee.
Keep it going.
I said keep it going! (moans) And who has the BLT and fries? That's me.
A BLT and fries? Why don't you just vape on a scooter while not being vaccinated? It's turkey bacon.
Liar.
That's real bacon.
No, it's turkey.
Seriously? This is delicious.
Fake bacon's come a long way.
Next time, perhaps you should think about trusting our friend Marjorie.
Thank you, Bonnie.
I appreciate your new attitude.
Good 'cause it's about as comfortable as passing a kidney stone.
Yay, Christy's here.
I know that came out phony, but I meant it.
How did court go? (exhales) It was a disaster.
Oh.
You'll win next time, sweetie.
No, we won.
A man who prefers to be called Stink is now back on the streets.
Clearly, God's plan for me is to be a terrible person who sets other terrible people free.
Well, do you think he's gonna come to his grandmother's memorial? 'Cause that'll change the head count for the caterers.
Nothing is worse than running out of crab legs.
What about dying? Crab legs? You're really going all out.
Everybody deserves a big party when they're dead.
This could be my new career.
Dead people party planner.
(chuckles) I love that for you.
I mean, you should work on the name, but yeah.
You being mean? I don't even know anymore.
Other than Todd contaminating the chocolate fountain, this is just beautiful, Jill.
I know.
It's perfect.
It's just, I put this whole thing together for Mary, but I didn't know her at all, so I picked all the things I like and now I feel like I'm at my own funeral.
It's okay.
You're still alive.
See? Not your picture.
Yeah, well, I can't go through this again.
Since most of y'all are gonna die before me, I need to know your favorite flower, hors d'oeuvres and song.
Daffodil, corn nuts, and "Poison" by Bell Biv DeVoe.
Mm.
It's your funeral.
(gasps) That could be the name of my company.
Hold on, where's Wendy? Did you notice I noticed that all by myself? This is working.
I haven't seen her all week.
And she didn't respond to the e-vite.
I'm gonna call her.
Does anyone know her number? (gasps) My God.
Marjorie.
- Marjorie! - What? What? (sighs) I thought you were dead.
I was praying.
It's a very similar look.
Yesterday you thought I was dead because I took a nap.
This morning you thought I was dead because I didn't "make enough noise in the shower.
" Again, I'm sorry for barging in, and I will rehang the door.
Sit down.
Tammy, someday I'm gonna die, but I'm not gonna spend my life worrying about it.
I know, that's my job.
No, it's not.
Look, I get that you're doing this 'cause you care about me, but if you don't stop, you're gonna die way before I do.
Are you threatening me? Mess with my bacon again and find out.
(sighs) What are you doing here? Even though you're a nurse, you are not responsible for Mary's death.
I know.
Then what's going on? Why aren't you at her memorial? I just didn't feel like going.
Well, no one ever feels like it.
"Oh, it's a sunny day, maybe we should have a picnic in the park and then catch a funeral.
" Come on.
Get dressed, you're going.
I really don't want to.
Your friends are there.
- Yeah, right.
- What's that supposed to mean? - All my "friends"? - Yes, your friends, the people you see every day.
You mean the people who don't know me any better than they knew Mary? That's not true.
We know you.
Where am I from? (scoffs) The United States of America.
Florida.
We've been friends for five years, you don't even know I'm from Florida.
We've been friends for five years? See? Fine, two can play at this game.
Where am I from? You were born in Bakersfield.
Your mother abandoned you at a firehouse in Fresno when you were four.
And then you lived at 12 different foster homes.
Well, my story is very memorable, especially the way I tell it.
Did you know I have two moms? And that was before it was cool.
Y-You do? We lived on a houseboat in the Keys.
Well, that's fascinating.
I told you that a hundred times, but no one listens to me.
Sometimes I think you just keep me around because you feel sorry for me.
Okay.
Okay, let's blow out the candles on this pity party.
You are a huge part of this group.
- I am not.
- Come on, when I relapsed, you never left my side while I was detoxing.
Even after I took a swing at you.
You're loyal and kind and you show up for everyone, no matter what.
And yes, it's true, I don't know a lot about your lesbian seafaring upbringing.
But I do love you.
And it's on me that you don't know that.
Oh.
Where have you been? - You missed the whole thing.
- I went to pick up Wendy.
She's part of our group and she should be here.
- Yeah, since Mary died, I've - Jill's eulogy was fantastic.
- She made it all about herself.
- Hey.
You interrupted Wendy.
Wendy, go.
Since Mary died, I've just been down.
I snapped at my daughter for that? I'm willing to shine the spotlight on you, but give us a show.
Come on, let's hit the pastry tower.
- Hey.
Christy, right? - Yeah.
I'm Mary's daughter Angela.
I just want to say thank you for what you did for my son.
Actually, I did it for your mom.
You know, she always saying how nice her AA friends were, and, um, I thought that she was just trying to get me to go.
And I did go a couple of times, I thought it was lame.
Then, you know, seeing how you guys all just showed up for her here and threw this nice thing, it kind of made me think that maybe I could, um, uh, try it again.
Well, I'd be happy to take you to a meeting sometime if you want.
I would appreciate that.
I want to get my cell phone so I can get your number Okay.
Look at that.
You did have a plan.
- Jill, do you have a white Range Rover? - Yeah.
Any chance Todd has a white Range Rover? No.
Then I think Todd took your white Range Rover.