Mom s07e04 Episode Script

Twirly Flippy Men and a Dirty Bird

1 Gus, give me five.
Give me five.
(grunts) Your paw, my hand, make it happen.
Oh, come on.
I have seen you do it with other people.
ADAM: Ah, damn it! Ooh, Daddy's mad.
United front, right? I'll remember this.
Did you eat the chocolate out of my nightstand drawer? Sorry.
I have to get gas today; I'll pick you up another one.
This isn't gas station chocolate.
It has hints of elderberry and sea salt.
It's 72% cacao.
You're so upset you don't know how to pronounce it.
I love you, honey, but it's cocoa.
No, it's cacao, you hillbilly.
And I was savoring this one square at a time.
You ripped through this thing like Augustus Gloop.
Who? The fat Nazi kid from Willy Wonka.
He was a Nazi? If I wanted to share it, I would have put it in the kitchen where everything of mine gets eaten.
Stay out of my drawer.
Ah, I think you're overreacting.
Can I make you a cup of tea or a nice comforting mug of hot "cacao"? No.
Hey, Rudy, what are the specials? Well, I'll tell you what's special.
A cheery hello from my good friend Christy.
Oh, God, what do you want? A wee favor-poo.
Hmm? I got a DUI.
They suspended my license, and so, get this: I am legally required to do that thing you do.
Cry myself to sleep? I'm referring to your meetings with the other drunkards.
I have to go to ten AA meetings and get this card signed.
So, could you go to ten AA meetings and get this card signed? No.
If you've been ordered to go, you have to go.
All right.
When are you picking me up? Why do I have to pick you up? Because I could go to jail, and your livelihood depends on me.
God, no.
(sighs) There's a meeting tomorrow at 8:00 a.
at the community center.
I do not like any of those words.
There's another meeting at 3:00, but I know people at that one, so you have to be nice.
I'll have a couple of cocktails beforehand, loosen up.
Why do you hate me? (laughter) It is pronounced "cacao.
" What? Yes, chocolate is made from the cacao bean.
Marjorie, chocolate does not come from a bean.
The point is, it's just stupid candy, and he should get over it.
Does Adam really ask for that much? Sexually? Why would I be talking sexually? You tell me.
, yes.
I'm just saying it might be nice to respect his boundaries.
- Sexually? - Goodbye.
Marjorie is really losing it.
Big time.
She just threw a birthday party for one of her cats.
I had to make a speech, with no heads-up.
Pretty good cake, though.
Rudy, in here.
All the way.
Come on.
Cloudy with a chance of suicide.
I told you to be nice.
Now shut up and sit down.
I'll get you a cup of coffee.
Cappuccino, bone dry, one pump of vanilla.
- Hi, I'm Mary.
- No.
(groaning) What a nightmare.
Ah, sorry about the Lorna Doones.
I didn't have time to bake.
I was busy planning a birthday party.
It's not that.
I'm babysitting Chef Rudy.
He got a DUI.
Court-ordered attendance? And resenting every minute of it.
(scoffs) He doesn't care about getting sober.
It's just a waste of time.
Christy, if you change your attitude about Rudy, you could be the one to help save his life.
I never thought of making it about me.
Have I taught you nothing? So you got through your first meeting.
I'm proud of you.
I know it's a lot.
Tell me how you're feeling.
There's no wrong answer.
One down, nine to go.
All right, let's hit it.
What's happening? Who are these people? It's Wendy and Jill.
They both shared at the meeting.
I'm still a-tingle.
Why are they in the backseat of your dreary economy car? Christy, am I allowed to be mean to him? No, he's a newcomer.
Damn it.
So glad you're joining us.
After meetings we all go to the bistro for coffee and pie.
I was not court-ordered for coffee and pie.
Okay, then get an Uber.
Alas, I've been banned by Uber, Lyft, and most gypsy cabs.
Apparently, there are cameras everywhere now.
Ugh, tell me about it.
In the Neiman Marcus dressing room No, no.
We're not going back and forth.
Again, welcome.
Oh, are you kidding me? Literally, the last thing I said to you was leave my stuff alone.
I was replacing your chocolate.
(sighs) What the hell is that? I think you mean "thank you.
" This isn't even chocolate.
It's carob; it's-it's-it's hippie chocolate.
Well, it's the only thing I could find in Marjorie's purse.
By the way, she was asking a lot of questions about our sex life.
That is one dirty bird.
Look, I need to have something around here that's just mine.
Where is this all coming from? It never bothered you before we were married.
Because I had my own apartment.
I had my own living room, my own kitchen, my own bed.
Okay, we get it, guy, you had a lot of stuff.
Now I'm down to a couple of drawers.
And my wife can't stay out of 'em.
Hey, hold up.
You rented out your apartment so you could put more money into a bar I can't drink in.
I put a cocktail on the menu called The Bonnie.
Don't think I didn't notice the last ingredient was bitters.
See? See? See? This is what you do.
You change the subject.
We're talking about me living in your house.
And I know it's your house 'cause none of me is in here.
Well, if you want any of you in here, you better back it down a notch.
I think we both know you'd cave before me.
Well, excuse me for being vital.
And you know damn well I have to live in "my house" because I'm the building manager.
Perhaps the real issue is why are you so threatened by my career? (chuckles): Your what? Th-There it is.
And you wonder why we still march.
What are you doing? You want space? Have the whole room.
Including your drawer.
I had so many opportunities to get out of this.
No! No! No! (sighs) Off.
Just remember, I can fart, too.
Wendy, you're some kind of nurse, right? Why are you all still surprised? My neck is really stiff from last night.
Could you massage this? Could you be nice to me? Jill, could you massage this? Feels weird rubbing somebody who's never bought me jewelry.
You didn't have to sleep on the couch.
All you had to do was apologize to him.
Which is exactly why I had to sleep on the couch.
Keep up with the story.
Look, Bonnie, Adam needs to feel like it's his house, too.
Maybe if you let him bring a few of his things over, he'll relax and you can stop stealing my pocketbook snacks.
Nope, nope, nope.
Sorry, but I got to overrule the Grand Poo-Bah here.
My ex tried to put one of those tables in the living room that have those twirly flippy men on 'em, what do you call it? Foosball? You got a Foosball table? No, I do not.
Because marriage is all about establishing dominance.
So is Foosball.
(phone ringing) - Ugh.
- What? Rudy on FaceTime.
What? RUDY: I need you to drive me to the mall.
I'm desperate for underpants.
I see that.
Can you tilt the phone up? - So be a lamb, pick me up in five.
- No.
I'm taking you to meetings, that's it.
Well, what am I to do, hitchhike? My features are too delicate.
I would be ravaged by some trucker.
Well, after he's done with you, tell him to drop you off at the mall.
Can you believe it? He's being such a jerk about meetings, and now he expects me to be his chauffeur.
Well, in his defense, he's being forced to go to AA.
That's never easy.
Even if you aren't dragged there, that first meeting's tough.
I liked mine.
People were friendly.
They wanted to hear what I had to I was a wreck.
I started crying so hard, some old coke came out of my nose.
(chuckles) Looked like tiny snowballs.
I just remember riding in on that lawn mower and thinking, "It's come to this.
" (chuckles) say.
What are you talking about? I was just trying to finish what I I tried to help Rudy.
He's a lost cause.
What I had to say! - Are you okay? - No.
He doesn't sound like a lost cause to me.
He sounds like a very lonely man.
Didn't even have someone to take him to the mall.
Try to be patient with him.
Why would I reward him? He just showed me his plums.
So, yea or nay on the mall? 'Cause I could use some new undies, too.
Today I had to wear a pair of Marjorie's.
- What? - I mean, not Marjorie's.
Someone else's.
(refrigerator door opens) - Hey, listen.
- What? - Nothing! - It's not gonna be nothing.
I've been thinking, and I'm really sorry I blew off what you were saying last night.
- Are you apologizing? - Trying.
Can you at least come closer so I can hear it? Okay.
You did make a big sacrifice moving in here so I could keep this job.
Shutters open, please.
(sighs) Where was I? Moving in, keeping job Ah.
I want this house to be as much yours as it is mine.
So how about you go over to your storage locker and bring back whatever would make it feel more like home to you? You were gonna say all that from the other room? I was gonna text, but my phone died.
- Well, thank you.
- You're welcome.
- But just curious - Oh my (groans) Yes? Where did your uncharacteristic selflessness come from? Don't poke at it.
Just go round up your crap and try to stick it in places I can't see.
- I love you.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah! I used to jump through hoops to justify in my mind why I could keep drinking.
I thought, "I haven't been drunk in front of my son, "I haven't lost my job, "I haven't wound up in jail, "so it's not so bad.
I don't need to stop.
" What I didn't realize then was that I should be adding "yet" to the end of all those sentences.
"I haven't lost my job yet.
I haven't been to jail yet.
" (sighs) I started doing things that I swore I'd never do.
Things started happening that I swore would never happen, because of my drinking.
But instead of changing my ways, I did what any good alcoholic would do I just kept lowering the bar.
Finally, it couldn't get any lower.
When I got to these rooms, my family wouldn't talk to me.
I had no friends.
I had no job.
I was homeless and living in a box.
And I had roommates.
To the newcomers, your story may not look like mine.
But if you're here, I would venture a guess that things probably aren't going so well.
And I want you to know this program works and your bottom is whenever you stop digging.
(applause) Great share, Marjorie.
Really beautiful.
Generic trail mix? Where the hell do you shop? MAN: Thanks, Marjorie.
We have time for one more share.
Who would like to go? Would you like to share? A pint of vodka? Yes.
(sniffling softly) Are you crying? Yeah.
Marjorie's share was really moving.
Old lady had a sad tale.
You didn't get anything out of that? Only that she desperately needs a new pantsuit.
I am so sick of you making a joke out of this program.
That woman in the pantsuit saved my life.
The "stale cookies" and "bad coffee" saved my life.
Before AA, I couldn't imagine getting through a day without alcohol.
I needed it to have a conversation, to open my mail, to live.
It was like air.
(exhales) And the people in this program showed me a new way to breathe.
You are saying a lot of boring things.
Can this count as a meeting? - Get out.
- What? You don't get to dump on people who actually want to change their lives.
You can't leave me here.
We're in front of a payday loan facility.
- Get out! - Excuse me, I am your boss.
- No, you're not! - Well, in my head, I am.
COMMENTATOR: We have a wild show today Isn't today moving day? Where's all your stuff? You know, I thought about it.
And change is hard for you, so I just brought a few things to ease you in.
That is really sweet.
Ooh! You brought the espresso maker.
(sing-songy): Tiny cups of coffee make me feel so fancy.
(both chuckle) Ooh, and you brought your art books.
That table just got 100% smarter.
- That's why I bought 'em.
- (chuckles) Ooh.
Sorry, babe.
This candle's really tacky.
It's yours.
That's right.
I sneezed on it at the store, and they made me buy it.
So, that's it? That's nothing.
Check out the bedroom.
Oh, my God! Did you bring your king-size bed? I love that bed! It's almost like you're snoring in another room! Aw.
(yelps) A fish.
Because ? I found it in my storage.
I caught him off the coast of Cabo with my dad.
With your dad.
It was our last fishing trip before he died.
Before he died.
I know it may not be your thing, but you'll get used to it.
I already am.
(chuckles) You know what, I'm gonna go make a tiny cup of coffee.
I have a sudden urge to feel fancy.
(chuckles) Hey, boy.
- Welcome home.
- (quietly): Son of a bitch.
What the hell? Paul? Paul, what's going on? Did Rudy not show up? And you tried to run the kitchen by yourself? It's okay.
I'll go get him, and you get cooking.
You can do it! (sighs) And you don't need this.
Drop it.
Drop it.
Wow, that's wet.
You're not my hooker.
She threw herself off a cliff.
Why aren't you at work? Because I like to go to work feeling good.
And so I did what I always do.
I had a very dry vodka martini with two blue cheese olives.
But I didn't enjoy it, and so I was forced to have a second.
And then a third, waiting for the happy to arrive.
But it never did.
I hope you're satisfied.
You ruined drinking for me.
Drink, don't drink.
I don't care.
Just go get dressed.
(sighs) (grunts) (sing-songy): I ruined drinking.
(sultry music playing) You know, you could look down here.
If it's watching me, I'm watching it.