Mom s07e03 Episode Script

Goat Yogurt and Ample Parking

1 Did we just wake up at the exact same time? I think we did.
(chuckles) We are totally in sync, even when we're asleep.
We're cuter than otters.
(chuckles) And I thought marriage was gonna be terrible.
You don't need to say that every morning.
(chuckles) Well, I love that I can share my every thought with you.
You can.
But maybe sometimes you shouldn't.
For instance, the other day, when you were telling me that my arms were getting flabby.
Oh.
I just said that 'cause I didn't want to push you up that hill.
So you weren't being mean, you were being lazy.
Can't I be both? Better than anyone.
Mm.
What do you have planned today? Oh, let's see.
I'm gonna take your shirts to the dry cleaner's, fix Mr.
Munson's freezer and oh, yeah, officially take your last name.
What's wrong with his freezer? I think you missed the headline.
No, I heard you.
But our freezer's been acting weird.
Could be the same thing.
Adam, I have an appointment at the Social Security office, where I will fill out a government form.
After 22 years, I am allowing myself to show up on the grid.
I know.
That's a big step for you.
Yeah.
Especially since there's a small chance I might be arrested.
And if you do, I can't be forced to testify against you, because I'm your husband.
That right there, that's why I want to be Bonnie Janikowski.
Cool.
And keep me posted on that freezer thing.
Why are you acting like this isn't hugely important to you? Whatever makes you happy, Bonnie.
It really doesn't matter to me.
Well, it matters to me and I'm doing it.
Smooth.
Hey.
No time.
All you had to do is say "hey" back.
I don't have time for "Hey, hey.
" My boss thinks 15 minutes early is five minutes late, and I still haven't finished proofreading those contracts.
Ah.
I would've read those last night, so I'd be prepared for work and be able to give my mother the cheery good morning she deserves.
(sighs) Veronica kept me at the office till 2:00 a.
m.
She never gets tired.
She's like a machine that runs on yelling and very expensive goat yogurt.
Well, whatever you do, - just don't pull a Christy.
- What's that mean? You know, try hard for a little while and then quit.
How is that pulling a Christy? I finished college, I'm in law school, - I work three - Oh, God, don't do the list.
Hey! Hey! See? There was time.
The point is I am not gonna quit this.
She is a senior partner.
Her name is on the building.
If I do a good job, maybe she hires me when I graduate.
Before you know it, I'm a judge and then eventually a Supreme Court justice.
They seem okay with alcoholics now, so I could actually have a shot.
(hoarsely): Wow.
That was all kinds of bad idea.
Well, sorry, heart.
VERONICA: Christy! - Coming.
- Christy! Coming.
Christy! - Coming.
- Christy! - Coming.
- What took you so long? Uh, I was, uh I'm sorry.
I had to adjust my skirt.
This zipper just wants to be in the front.
I need you to confirm my lunch at Malone's.
Also, pull the files on the Onyx Merger.
(grunts) I need you to get my car detailed.
Don't take it to the place I don't like.
Come on.
Pick up my prescription at the pharmacy and get those cucumbers - out of my lemon water.
- Malone's, Onyx, cucumbers - prescription.
- Schedule a meeting for - Thursday with Thad Edwards.
- Thad, Thursday.
Check the court calendar to see which judge I landed in the Higgins case.
If it's Barris, text me; if it's Johnson, file for an extension; if it's Clarke, kill me now.
Can you just say all that again into my phone? No! Got it.
Hi, Ken.
Oh.
Hello, young lady.
I've been waiting for that all day.
Oh, look at those legs.
Mmm.
All the way to the floor.
Hey, hey.
You missed your chance.
I'm married now.
Ah, well, so am I.
Uh, it makes it more exciting.
NIKKI (in distance): You know, I can hear you! The only thing that still works on her is the ears! - So, what you got? - Five shirts.
All right.
The last name Plunkett.
Actually, I'm on my way to the Social Security office where I will officially become Bonnie Janikowski.
Sheesh.
So, J-A-N-E No.
J-A-N-I-K L-Let's slow-slow down.
J-A-N-E No.
J-N-I-K Wait.
J-A-N-I-K Wait, are-are you sure there's no "C"? Well, now I'm not.
All right, uh, uh Give me a pen.
I got to write this down.
- All right.
- Uh (grunts) None of this looks right.
Okay, there.
I think that's it.
Oh.
So there is a "C"? Damn it, just leave it Plunkett.
No.
Disabuse your client of the notion he is going to walk away from this thing with anything that even resembles a win.
It's over and everyone knows it but you! Hanging up! (whispers): Hang it up! (phone beeps) I love watching you work.
Ugh, well, that's creepy.
Take these.
Where is my prescription? Oh, um, right here.
The pharmacist said to take them with a Yeah, I know how to take them.
You want one? You want one.
What is it? Adderall.
We're all on it.
Get on it.
You're sluggish.
Oh.
No, thank you, but thank you, but no.
You sure? Yeah.
Then get out! - Get out! - O-Okay.
- Get out! Get out! - Okay.
- Okay.
- Get out! Do I seem sluggish to you? Uh, today or every day? Eh, it doesn't matter.
Yes to both.
My boss and everyone else in the building is on uppers, which is not safe, or fair.
How am I supposed to compete? Sounds like someone's about to pull a Christy.
No, I'm not, and stop calling it that.
- (phone rings) - Hey, babe.
ADAM: I'm at the grocery store.
Do you need anything? - I'm good.
- Ooh.
Can you get some strawberries for my boss? But not the big ones, the little tiny sweet ones.
She had them last spring in Capri, and they were apparently magical.
(chuckles): I'll do my best.
You know he's just gonna get you raspberries.
She's right.
How was the Social Security office, Mrs.
Janikowski? It was great.
The line moved quickly, there was ample parking, and, uh, I made friends with a woman from Kuala Lumpur.
Awesome.
See you at home.
Bye.
Love you.
Look at you, changing your name legally for once.
(exhales): Yeah, I didn't do it.
What? You just lied to your brand-new husband? I rescheduled, so technically I just pre-told him tomorrow's truth.
What about the woman from Kuala Lumpur? Well, it might happen.
I'm a friendly person.
Another lie.
Why didn't you go? Eh, it just didn't feel like a good day to become Polish.
- Bonnie, your turn to sweep.
- I pass.
You can't pass.
It's a hard pass.
Fine, I'll do it.
What are you doing? Sweeping.
Yeah, I have three maids.
I don't think so.
Who taught you how to do that, a cartoon mouse? What's wrong with what I'm doing? Oh, good Lord, give me that broom.
(mouths) (ringtone playing) (groans) I hate her, I hate her, I hate her.
Your mom's already here.
Who is it? The other most toxic person on the planet.
Hey, Veronica.
What can I do for you? Uh-huh.
I am on it.
(groans) I can't go to the bistro.
I got to go run an errand for my boss.
She needs you to score more pills? No.
She needs pot.
Yes, that's right.
I am leaving an A.
A.
meeting to go buy pot.
Seriously? You know, my guy Earl used to work under the Third Street Bridge.
He'll hook you up pretty good if he's still alive.
It's okay.
She wants me to go to her dispensary.
Ooh, I've never been to one of those.
I want to go! This'll be fun! I'll come, too.
Road trip! Tammy, it's four blocks away.
Super short road trip! She's in your car.
(door whooshes) Why are we buying pot in an Apple Store? This is a lot different than Earl's bridge.
I don't like it.
Where's the shame? Where's the danger? DJ: Hi.
I'm DJ.
How may I help you? I have to buy pot for my friend.
Your "friend"? Ladies, it's legal.
You can come out from the shadows.
(door whooshes) This place smells like nursing school.
- Like high school.
- Her womb.
Let's not get too excited.
We're just here for moral support.
Man, those are some fat buds.
That's Jolly Green Giant.
We grow it in-house.
It's a really nice indica sativa hybrid, about 30% THC.
Wow, we've come a long way from "Here's what might be weed in a bag.
" Would you like to meet the plants? Ooh, I would like to meet the plants.
I would like to do terrible things to them.
We don't smoke.
Gotcha.
Let me show you the edibles.
Cookies, cereal, crackers, pretzel bites, sodas.
This isn't fair.
They legalized pot and put it in all my favorite snacks! Oh, honey, it doesn't matter what it's in.
It's (gasps) Holy crap, it's in salad dressing! Somebody physically restrain me.
I'm sure you get this question all the time.
I'm sober.
If I rub this CBD oil on my husband and I somehow ingest it, is that technically a relapse or just a great way to handle my joint pain? Uh, I've never gotten that question before.
Not worth the risk.
I'll stick with whipped cream and Advil.
Okay, um, I need an eighth of Laughing Buddha, two packs of pre-rolled Skywalker O.
G.
, and breath strips.
Wait, I'm probably supposed to get that from the pharmacy.
No, we have those here.
With pot in them? I'm gonna save you some time.
Everything in this room has pot in it.
Including me.
What about this bag? It's made of hemp.
- Ooh.
- Ooh.
I want to buy that bag.
I'm allowed to buy that bag.
Oh, check it out.
This one's on sale.
Pot goes on sale? I used to have to do things to get a discount.
Fortunately, Earl was not bad-looking.
For someone who slept in a shopping cart.
Here you go.
Since you're a first-time customer, throw in some gummy bears and lollipops.
And when you say "gummy bears and lollipops " Yes, they have pot in them.
Son of a biscuit! Mmm.
You're not a bowl of marijuana-infused Cheerios, but you're still pretty good.
That was fun, but I'd never do it again.
They make it look all happy-happy, joy-joy, which makes it hard to remember that for me it led to crappy-crappy, sad-sad.
Me, too.
And now that it's legal, I can't go anywhere without walking through a cloud of that sweet, sweet odor.
It's true.
It's everywhere now.
So is alcohol.
Yeah, but I don't walk down the sidewalk and get a glass of wine thrown in my face.
One time Jell-O, but to be fair, I was I was pretty mean to that little boy.
Maybe you'll be a nicer person when you become Bonnie Janikowski.
Not likely.
Oh, yeah, you did that today.
No, she did not.
Oh.
Oops, did I let that slip? Why? I don't, I don't know.
Something about it didn't feel right.
Maybe it's 'cause you're so old.
What are you doing? This is a violent woman with a long reach.
I just mean when a 25-year-old woman changes her name, it's no big deal.
But it's much harder for someone in their twilight years.
Oh, just go on and hit her.
She's asking for it.
It kills me to say this, but Wendy has a point.
I've been Bonnie Plunkett my whole life.
And something's telling me I should stay that way.
Mm.
Honey, if you're this conflicted, you should talk to Adam.
Don't forget to tell him you lied earlier.
Oops.
Why the hell don't you just hyphenate? Bonnie Plunkett-Janikowski? What am I, the alphabet? I just talked to Thad's assistant Chad.
.
Yes, you heard that right.
Uh, they're running late, so you have some time.
You're not yelling at me.
Are you okay? Oh.
Aren't you pretty.
What you got going on there? I was feeling kind of tired, so I took extra Adderall.
Then I felt jumpy, so I ate a couple pot gummies.
Then I forgot I ate the gummies, so I ate more gummies.
(laughing) Chad and Thad I just got that.
I may not be able to handle this meeting.
Do you have makeup remover or a hat with a veil? This is my first gummy bear experience, and it's not good.
Here are my takeaways.
A: Don't eat nine.
B: I'm gonna die.
Maybe I should reschedule the meeting.
No.
We need this client because (whispers): this firm is in trouble.
We are this close to bankruptcy, and we just spent a lot of money on new chairs.
It was so dumb.
Veronica, this is a classic "too high slash panic attack" situation.
Yep, yep, that feels right.
Open that window.
I want to jump out.
Look in my eyes and repeat after me: I am okay.
You are okay.
No, you are okay.
No, you are okay.
I am trying to get you to say "I am okay.
" But I am so not okay, and I'll never be okay! (sighs) All right! I'm gonna have to slap you.
Do it! Ugh! I can't! I can't slap my boss! Do it! Say something mean.
Tell me I'm a terrible assistant.
Tell you? I thought you already knew.
Hey! That helped! Let's go again! I'm not high! (groans) Ah, damn it, you're home.
(door closes) Oh, we're just telling each other the truth now? Okay, your hair is ridiculous.
No, I got you a gift, and I wanted to surprise you with it.
And-and what-what's wrong with my hair? It looks like it's trying to escape.
Give me my present.
I ordered us a new welcome mat that says "The Janikowskis" 'cause that's who we are now.
That is so sweet.
Yeah.
And yet I feel I don't deserve it.
Why not? Because only one of us is a Janikowski.
I didn't, uh, go to the Social Security office.
You lied to me? Well, I thought I was telling you today's truth yesterday.
I-I can see why you're confused.
So what happened? I just have this little voice saying, "Don't do it.
" The-the thing is, I-I hated being Bonnie Plunkett for most of my life.
I was a drunk, a-a thief, a terrible mother.
I-I felt worthless and broken.
But then I did all this work on myself, and I finally love Bonnie Plunkett, and I just, I'm not ready to let her go.
Wow.
I had no idea you felt that way.
I didn't either.
I'm sorry.
I know this was important to you.
And don't say it wasn't, because you clearly paid for expedited shipping on that welcome mat.
It was only three dollars more.
I I just wanted the whole world to know that we're a family.
(groans softly) Why would you say something like that? What? So sweet.
Now I'm waffling again.
No, no, no, no, no, don't waffle.
You finally love Bonnie Plunkett, and I've always loved Bonnie Plunkett, so stay Bonnie Plunkett.
All right, but I'm doing this for you.
And, hey, this doesn't mean we can't have a welcome mat that says "The Janikowskis.
" At the very least, you and Gus are Janikowskis.
Gus's last name is Wooferton.
Let's just put out the mat.
I'm sure he won't complain.
(chuckles) "The Jackinowskis.
" Everyone always wants to put a "C" in it.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How was work? Excellent, thanks to you.
Really? Yeah.
I saved my boss's ass when she got way too high and freaked out.
You are really good at that.
Did you have to slap her? Yep.
But just like you, she hit back.
But I sobered her up enough for her meeting, and now I get to go to court with her tomorrow.
Mostly to carry her yogurt, but still.
Congratulations! (chuckles) So now with the way this turned out, can sticking with it and persevering and getting huge success be called - Pulling a Bonnie Plunkett? - Yes, it can.