Motherland (2016) s02e02 Episode Script
Soft Opening
1 - Jesus! - Argh! Oh, Jesus! God, who are you? Are you? Oh, you're from the, um, agency.
Sorry, do you want to come in here to clean? I'll get out.
I was working.
- I'm freelance, so I wasn't sleeping.
- It's OK.
No, no, you don't understand.
I'm my own boss.
I run my own PR firm company.
We deal in higher end FMLG -- fast-moving luxury goods.
OK, well, I'll just I'll get back to my work.
Sorry, why are you putting this here? This is the handlebar from my daughter's scooter.
- Yes.
- You know scooter? - It's dildo.
- No, no, it's the handlebar for my daughter's scooter.
We need to put it back on.
It's proving tricky, because the, uh the rubber is very tight on the bar, so so you know.
Hm, it's dildo.
Yes.
Fine.
How's the freelancing? Did you have a nice sleep? Ha-ha.
Hilarious.
Oh, hey, this might be Unilever.
- No, it's Paul.
- Oi, oi.
Here she is -- Deborah Meaden.
Yep, I've done it.
I'm officially not employed by anyone.
You loving freelance? It's like base jumping, innit? You get a boner from launching yourself into the void.
No 'chute, no strings, lone wolf, solo polo.
Love it.
Yeah, no, I'm raring to go.
Raring to go.
I haven't got masses on but, you know, I'm going to use the time to get all the things done that I've been meaning to do, like, um Oh, oh, order a new carbon monoxide detector, get my skin tags off.
I might go on a mini break to Bruges.
Oh, Jill and I nearly went to Bruges once.
Great clocktower apparently.
Word of advice -- don't take your foot off the pedal.
- You'll never get it back on.
- Eh? A few years back, I was flying high, then I took a sabbatical, went travelling.
China, India, some of the 'Stans.
Big mistake.
When I came back, no tosser would take my calls.
It's like I'd slid down a career snake.
- What do you mean? - Good luck, yeah? - Oh, hey, kids.
Who's up for some sausage sushi tonight? - Yeah, me! - Yeah! - Ooh, Jesus, Kevin.
Well, it's not actual sushi.
It's just sausage instead of the fish, mashed potatoes instead of the rice, and mushy peas instead of the wasabi.
But we still use chopsticks.
I can tell you exactly what I'm having for dinner tonight.
Um, 50g of bran, two pears and as much spinach as I like.
I feel great, really.
Not hungry at all.
We're having kebabs as a treat cos Charlie apologised to Mrs Lamb for blaming his fart on her in an assembly.
Oh, well done, Charlie.
High five.
- OK, who's having a slice of the spinning elephant leg? - Me! What? Oh, for flip's sake.
They're so neat.
Yeah, this is what I want.
What the flip is that mad flipper doing in there? What is this colour? This is a lovely, warm Yeah.
- No more 'babs, kids.
- But I want a kebab.
Let's go home.
I'll defrost a jar of hot dogs.
So, ladies.
Names.
Let me run you through my faves.
- Sparkles and Rainbows.
- Mm, lovely.
- Maison, Maman, Papa, Bebe.
- Love it.
- Mm-hm.
Yeah.
- Baby Groomers.
- Babies and Gentlemen? That's an awful idea, Anne.
Absolutely.
I thought so, too.
Um, Bubble and Squeak.
You can't just say phrases, Anne.
It has to have something to do with what's in the store.
- What is in the shop? - Store.
Well people are always asking how I look so stylish, how my children are so on trend, where did I get that amazing thing, this amazing thing? Ahh So now I can just say in my shop store.
Store.
Anne, focus.
Kapital Kebabs is gone.
The DIY shop went last month.
Got to go online now if you want pegs.
They shut down the post office, and you know what's in there now? Bubble tea.
Fucking bubble tea, Kevin! The queue spills out into the main road at lunchtimes.
I've had it with the yummy mummification of the high street.
Kevin, are you listening? - Hm? - This is important.
They did the best baba ghanoush in London.
Well, it's very easy to make at home.
Life's too short to dick about with aubergines.
Go away! They want me to cover for Teresa again.
I was promised flexi hours so I could fit work around the kids.
Can't Jill do the kids? I thought you life swapped.
Oh, no, she's gone back to full-time.
She's got her eye on a loft conversion.
A spare bedroom so she can get away from my bloody breathing.
Only another 30 years and you can kick back and die.
No, thank you.
I want to sit up and live, Liz.
Do you know what I've always dreamed of being? Male escort.
No, no, Liz.
I've always dreamed about being a dad/children's author.
A bit like David Walliams, but less sinister.
Oh, don't just dream it, Kevin be it.
I did, I did be it.
I wrote a book, when the kids started school.
Self-published, not because no-one wanted to publish it, but because I was very particular about not being edited.
Which is good, really, cos no-one wanted to publish it.
You wrote a book? Yeah, it was one of those stories with a profound meaning.
You know, like Paddington's about immigration or The Tiger Who Came To Tea's about the Gestapo.
The tiger's a Nazi? Well, that's just bleak, you can't put that on kids.
My book's called Bye-Bye Louis, Bye-Bye Clouse.
Oh, nice, what's it about? Brexit.
Sit down, Anne.
Have some cake.
Oh, I shouldn't.
OK.
What's the intel on Amanda's shop? Well .
.
Johnny's bankrolling it, to give Amanda a bit of focus and to take the edge off the whole separation.
She's actually having a really hard time with it.
She went to pieces in Mums, Bums and Tums last week, apparently.
I've just thought of a brilliant name.
- Hygge Tygge, that's very good.
- No, it's pronounced he-ger tee-ger.
No, actually, it's pronounced hou-ger, to rhyme with cougar.
I know this because I bought Jill a book on it for her birthday, which she regifted to me on mine.
Right, well, I'm actually having a bit of an unofficial opening, not the big one, but just a soft opening.
Kevin, do you fancy popping into Amanda's soft opening? Ooh, yes, when is it? Thursday evening.
See you then.
I don't think so.
Sparkles and nibbles from seven.
Yeah, see you then.
Oh, look at her.
Are you OK, Julia? - Yeah.
- Hey, here's an idea, how about you do one of your little PR launches on my store, now that you're at a loose end? Julia, I would love to help a fellow mumtrepreneur get back on her feet.
No, my client base is much more FMLG, you know? - What? - Fast-moving luxury goods, it's a industry term, Amanda.
No, I meant what client base? - Come on, Jules.
- You're all right, mate.
You all right? You look like a mental patient.
Yeah, no, I'm great, I'm brilliant.
I'm just in a period of adjustment, just adjusting to being self-employed.
Haven't even got a stapler yet, I had loads at work.
And I can't sneak off to the toilet with the reception's copy of Grazia to take a long poo, because it's on my time now.
You know, not on the company dime.
Oh, I love Grazia.
Who do I talk to about Love Island with at the water cooler? I actually thought about getting one, but they're very heavy and realistically I'm not going to get through 18.
9 litres of water a week.
That is a hell of a lot of water.
I might pop back to the office just to see how they all are, Just nick some Post-Its or No, no, come on, Jules! We can do this.
Let's make a pact.
What, to kill ourselves? - I'm in.
- No, let's make a pact to follow our dreams and bloody make it happen.
We can be anything we want to be! And if that doesn't work, just do what I do and drastically lower your expectations! Now, darling, will you go sit quietly over there on the reindeer skin pouffe? There we go, good boy.
Sparkles? Bubbles? Sparkly bubbles? Sparkles.
Bubbly sparkles? Does it smell kebab-y in here to you, Anne? Is that what that is? I thought it was me.
God, I'm hungry.
Sparkly bubbles? Sparkles, bubbles, sparkly bubbles? Bubbly sparkles? Fancy seeing you here.
Oh, well, I thought I'd just pop in! From Leatherhead? Must be an hour, what, an hour and a half's drive? It's nice to show support, isn't it? So, I have to open my own shop for you to come and visit me now, Mother? Unbelievable.
This is where the counter was.
Tub of hummus there, tzatziki there, then your baba ghanoush.
This is where all the salad-y bits would be.
So, like, your shredded red cabbage, shredded white cabbage.
- Chilli sauce - Sparkly bubbles! Sparkly bubbles? Oh, I'll mind this area, thank you, Anne! So, how's the freewheeling going? Freelancing.
Yes, it's great, going really well, it's a breeze.
Well, there you are then.
No, it's actually really hard, it's very difficult setting up a business from scratch when your client base goes from 58 to zero.
Well, you're very good at what you do.
Which is? Parties and whatnot.
I'm in PR.
PR, public relations? Do you know what that is, mother? - Yes! - Yes, you baby boomers, eh? As long as you're OK! "I bought my house for £7,000, I got my lung fixed for free.
"And now I'm busy swanning around, spending my husband's big, "fat pension from the GLC.
" I don't think your generation have any idea how difficult it is juggling a career and children.
Well, Amanda seems to be managing very well.
You think playing shops at Johnny's expense is running a business? This is just a glorified vanity project to take her mind off the fact that she no longer has a husband.
Well, I'll put back this perfumed owl thing I was going to buy you - for your home office.
- Yes, do.
You shouldn't be wasting my inheritance on smelly, old owls.
Great soft opening, Amanda.
Love it.
So, I see you sell books? Oh, these, no, they're not for reading, they're for arranging - on coffee tables.
- Oh, right.
Because I wrote a book that would look quite nice on a table.
I mean, in an ideal world, people would read it, too, but, you know.
People lead such busy lives these days.
Kevin, tonight is about supporting me.
People are here to buy, not sell.
Yeah, of course! Of course.
Oh! This is chic, this How much is this one? Um, oh, we're cashless, Kevin! Oh, OK.
I left, I left my Monzo card at home.
Oh.
So, I'll swing by with the books tomoz! God loves a tryer, but no-one wants this bollocks.
I know, yeah.
If you want my professional opinion, which I know you do, this place is going to fold in two months.
Because none of this was here! All right, Amanda? What a triumph! - Cake in a jar? - Thank you! - Cake in a jar? - Oh, no, thanks.
- Cake in a jar? - Go on, I'll have a cake in a fucking jar.
Can you open my cake, Kev? Cake in a jar? Cake in a jar? Cake in a jar? Come the revolution, this will be the first place to get torched.
She says, sipping Prosecco at the soft opening of a concept store.
Is someone jealous? - Is that what it is? - Jealous? Of this, of me? Is that why you've been telling people this is a vanity project? I don't think I am.
So, why did my son just ask me what a vanity project is? Don't know.
"What's a vanity project, Mummy?" "Where did you hear that, darling?" "Ivy's mum just said your shop is a vanity project.
" No, I think he misheard.
Did you mishear, Manus? You definitely did, Manus, because what I think, I think I said is that this is definitely not a vanity project.
Did Ivy's mum say this is definitely not a vanity project? I definitely did, Manus, so So, Manus is lying? No, he's just not telling the truth about what I said! Because my actual words, I think, to quote, were, "This is definitely not a vanity project, this is the real deal.
" So, mate, hey, look, we all mishear things from time to time, but the main thing is that you've got your mummy's back.
Good boy! Actually, actually! I wanted to say, you know, you made this sound like it was just a .
.
kiosk! Actually, it is a full-blown boutique.
And .
.
I want to get involved.
- Do you? - Yes, Amanda.
I'm going to help you get this shop launched hard.
Store! Ladies and gents! Friends and neighbours, please raise your glasses to Hyga Tyga! Hygge Tygge.
- Hygy Tygy! - Hurda Turda.
One month.
Thought you said 11? Sure, but I have a massage booked for then, so I whizzed over early.
I thought you would have showered by now, Julia.
Um .
.
well, I guess it's just us.
Well, this is a cosy little .
.
worky corner! Yeah, so, thoughts.
I'm thinking about brand personalisation.
So, if your shop had a face, what would that be? Stop, I love that.
If my shop had a -- store -- had a face, it would be my face.
For example, how, how would that face make you feel? - Blessed.
- Hm.
So, I've been putting together a strategy for the next stage of the launch.
So, for example, this is what we did for Muji.
Get you! You know your onions! I always wondered what you got up to at your work.
- Mm? - Well, because you always made it look so hard.
You know? Like your eyes were going to pop out with the stress sometimes.
I don't know.
I'm finding it quite manageable, actually.
Oh! Amanda Holden just liked my post.
Go on! It's like a fucking knick-knack prison.
I mean, Kapital Kebabs' window was awful.
Had all these photos of kebabs and saveloys that looked disgusting, but tasted delicious.
This place is part of my history.
My waters broke in there, with Max.
Where Anne's standing.
There.
Look, right there.
Let's go in.
Come on, Kev, Amanda's your mate! She should bloody stock it.
It's just .
.
this is a really big deal for me.
I put my heart into this book.
Did your girls do the drawings? No! Jill's cousin.
She's a part-time artist.
I love the way she's made the tears the stars of the EU flag.
Yeah, that's really clever.
Come on, Kev, let's go in.
Receipt's in the bag.
- Thanks.
- Great, thank you.
Hi, Anne.
Did Amanda mention I was going to be swinging by with my book? Yeah, it's just one of those stories with a profound message.
Like Paddington's about liberation.
It's just right for Hooga Tooga, I think.
Herga Terga.
I couldn't say.
Amanda's whole thing is, "Would I have this in my house?" And .
.
yeah, you're going to have to talk to Amanda.
She's just away.
- Eyelash extensions.
- OK.
I don't know, Liz.
We should have got the OK from Amanda first.
It will spoil the surprise! I think you're mocking me! I am not, how dare you! Sorry, I thought you were.
Well, I was.
Only a tiny bit.
Not cool, Kevin! Not cool.
Your books.
I'm not going to press charges, but I am pretty sure what you did is illegal.
Oh, no, sorry.
Sorry I can explain.
I think maybe I .
.
Liz We thought because you and I are friends OK, can I just clarify, I am never stocking your book.
And B, we're not friends.
- But we're friendly? - We're not friends, Kevin.
- Our kids are friends? - I'm not stocking your book.
Did you read it? Anne! Who's at the shop? Store! Sorry, I just had to pick up Darius, cos it's, you know, home time? Exactly, Anne, this is peak post-school footfall! Give me the keys! Right, OK, sorry, OK.
- So, these do the shutters, OK? - Yeah.
Front door.
Yale and deadlock.
OK, back door.
Bin gate.
Ignore that one.
Bogs, fuse cupboard, which you probably won't need.
OK, just give them to me! - Anne, you need to pick up Manus and Georgie! - OK, OK! - Hey! - Oh, hi! Julia, I'll just be with you in a moment, - just rushed off my feet right now.
- Yeah, I can see that.
They probably saw you on Living Etc online or in the Mumsnet piece I wangled.
You know, that's 10,000 hits per minute.
- So, that's quite a coup.
Well done me! - Yeah.
I actually forgot how good I am at my job.
You know, I really enjoyed the challenge.
You know, just gave me the kick I needed.
You're welcome, I'm glad I .
.
got you out of your little hole.
No, no, you didn't get me out of a little hole, I-I-I got you out of your big hole.
I think this is going to look great on your CV, Julia.
I don't have a CV, it's not the '80s.
Well, it'll look great on your LinkedIn.
Oh! 200 likes on my bamboo trivet! Ding! - Can I help you with something, Julia? - No, no, it's just I wanted - to say, you're welcome.
- My pleasure! - My pleasure! - No problem.
No, it's just that usually I charge £400 a day for this kind of major brand consultancy work and I did spend four days in my pokey worky corner, pulling in lots of favours, so For your bedroom office.
Mm.
Yeah, it's lovely.
That's £89, please.
Cards only, we're cashless.
It was just the smugness.
Smuggy Tuggy! It was upsetting anyway, but there were tea bags in the bottom of that bin liner.
Two of my books are water damaged! Yeah, well, I did all that work for free! As a favour! I thought it was because you called Manus a liar and had to dig yourself out of it.
No, I did that out of the kindness of my heart, Liz.
- I did very good work on that campaign.
- Can I ask .
.
are we friends? - Define friends.
- Course we're friends, Kevin.
Thank you, Julia.
Because, you know, I've always been there for Amanda.
I ran her class rep campaign for three years.
I gave out leaflets till my thumbs bled.
I'm surprised you're surprised! Amanda's a parasite! A big, blonde tick, sucking the high street dry.
Yes, but this is my point, Liz! Not even a thank you, not a discount off a candle that cost more than a return flight to Spain! I hate to say this, but Amanda has been a right B-1-T-C-H.
Bitch.
You know there are more Hygge Tygge haters out there? Are there? On the Acton Forum.
Oh, yeah? Show me.
Read that one.
ActonSquirrel, aw, that's sweet.
"Shit shops like Hygge Tygge are destroying the community.
"Why can't all the yummy mummies roll up their yoga mats "and knob off back to Nappy Valley?" That's an angry squirrel, isn't it? Right there.
You write one.
- No! - Go on! - OK.
Don't do it under your own name! Oh, yeah.
That's a good point, who shall I be? I've got a good one.
Crouch End Tiger, that's brilliant! I heard .
.
about this shop .
.
through the excellent publicity push.
But it turns out it is a load of old shit.
Clever.
You do one, Kev! - No! - Go on! I can't.
OK.
Shit is the word.
"Shit is the word.
" If this shop were a shit, it would be a great, big, pointless shit, shat out .
.
of a shitty bumhole.
You should work in PR, Kev! Right, I need more wine.
No, don't, just one more! This .
.
shop .
.
is a shit stain on the high street.
#ShitShop.
No, I should delete that.
No, we should take that one out.
We should delete that, I'll get some more wine.
Get me some cheese balls! Get them yourself, you lazy bitch! You know you've had a good night when you find crisps in your knickers.
Hey, guys, have you heard? Amanda's shop's been sabotaged.
Somebody threw a poo at it.
- What? - Isn't it terrible? Someone threw a poo at Hygge Tygge, and then graffitied #ShitShop on the window, apparently.
Definitely said #ShitShop? Yeah! You deleted it, Liz, didn't you? You definitely deleted it, #ShitShop? Yeah.
Well I thought Kev did.
I thought you did! Oh, Kevin and Liz, what have you done? Oh, it's not as bad as Anne made out! Just squirt a bit of bleach and knock it off! I feel terrible.
I'm going to I call in sick, don't you feel terrible? - No.
- We have to say something.
No-one's saying anything, Kevin! I've seen Happy Valley, I know how this plays out! We fess up now, before it spirals.
Remind me never to rob a bank with you.
You're a very weak wingman, Kevin.
We're not fessing up anything, we didn't throw the shit! Or did we? - Did you? - Course I didn't! What, you think I'd pick up a shit? Worse still, do one in my hand and bring it Have you seen it? Yes, yeah.
It's not so bad.
I think you'd you'd have to be looking for I think if they didn't say #ShitShop, I think you'd just think a bird had done it.
I think what hurts most is it's a store, not a shop.
The police are saying it started on the Acton Forum.
- Police? - Why? Why, Julia? What? Oh, yes.
Just, I think people got carried away.
Had too many drinks, egged on by friends or .
.
people they're friendly with? I'm sure they didn't mean any harm.
Anyway, I'm a big fan of this shop, so I'm going to pop inside and I'm going to spend, spend, spend! There's bound to be CCTV of the shop.
There's CCTV everywhere! I'm not sure Gill would look after the kids if I went to prison! You didn't do it, Kev, remember? Right, I've just spent £236 in Hygge-bloody-Tygge, assuaging my guilt, which, by the way, I'm only a third responsible for.
You're the PR genius, who came up with #ShitShop.
- Thank you.
- I don't know how you can both act so cool about this, like nothing happened! We incited a hate crime! I think what we are all forgetting in this is that it is a shit shop! It doesn't matter, Liz! Amanda was so upset! What do you want us to do? I want to do the decent thing! Admit our part in all of this! "Silence becomes cowardice, when occasion demands the speaking "out of a whole truth and acting accordingly.
" - Who said that? - Ghandi! Yeah, and look what happened to him.
I need some air.
You're in a park, Kevin! He's breaking.
We're going to have to cut him loose.
What? Kill him? I was thinking more delete him from our WhatsApp group.
- Kevin, what are you doing? - I can't get it out of my head! The guilt is eating me up! Why didn't you phone or text? Are you mental? And leave a paper trail? Go home and go to sleep.
I can't sleep! I've had half a bottle of Night Nurse and two chamomile teas and nothing! - Nothing! - Right, well, just go and see Liz, then! Do you think Liz did it? Oh, fuck off, Kevin! All right, Kev? Still not looking at us.
Something's up with Kevin.
I'm really good at picking up on these kind of things.
All right, I can't deal with this.
Come on.
Let's sort it out.
Kev.
Kevin.
Kev? Kev? Look at me.
Kev! Kevin! Look at me, look at me, Kevin! You're clearly upset about this.
Just a bit, yeah.
What do you want us to do? What would make you feel better? What would make me feel better? Um we tell the truth! All right, OK! If that's what you'd like, that's what will make you feel better, that's fine.
OK? Because you are our friend and we care about you, Liz will take the rap.
Why am I doing this again? Because you don't care, Liz, and you've got nothing to lose.
And Kevin's having your kids for the next four Saturdays.
Oh, what? Look lovely and svelte in that picture, Amanda.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
- It's a lovely shot.
- It's gorgeous.
- What's all this? - ActonToday.
co.
uk about the incident.
Main body of the website, next to profile on Adrian Chiles - visiting a city farm.
- Right, that's - Amazing! So funny, Julia! I've had more press from a crap on my window than from your entire PR push! Anne's had to restock the pencil plates twice! - Twice? - Yeah.
- Twice! - Yeah.
Well, right, then it's all worked out in the end! - But, um, we just wanted to say - No, no! Nothing, great.
I think that sounds wonderful.
Job done, then.
Can I help you with something, Julia? No, no, just interesting that you think this, um, this flurry of press attention just, um, miraculised out of nowhere.
- What do you mean? - What do you think I mean? Think about it.
Let's go! #You'reWelcome.
Right, bubble tea?
Sorry, do you want to come in here to clean? I'll get out.
I was working.
- I'm freelance, so I wasn't sleeping.
- It's OK.
No, no, you don't understand.
I'm my own boss.
I run my own PR firm company.
We deal in higher end FMLG -- fast-moving luxury goods.
OK, well, I'll just I'll get back to my work.
Sorry, why are you putting this here? This is the handlebar from my daughter's scooter.
- Yes.
- You know scooter? - It's dildo.
- No, no, it's the handlebar for my daughter's scooter.
We need to put it back on.
It's proving tricky, because the, uh the rubber is very tight on the bar, so so you know.
Hm, it's dildo.
Yes.
Fine.
How's the freelancing? Did you have a nice sleep? Ha-ha.
Hilarious.
Oh, hey, this might be Unilever.
- No, it's Paul.
- Oi, oi.
Here she is -- Deborah Meaden.
Yep, I've done it.
I'm officially not employed by anyone.
You loving freelance? It's like base jumping, innit? You get a boner from launching yourself into the void.
No 'chute, no strings, lone wolf, solo polo.
Love it.
Yeah, no, I'm raring to go.
Raring to go.
I haven't got masses on but, you know, I'm going to use the time to get all the things done that I've been meaning to do, like, um Oh, oh, order a new carbon monoxide detector, get my skin tags off.
I might go on a mini break to Bruges.
Oh, Jill and I nearly went to Bruges once.
Great clocktower apparently.
Word of advice -- don't take your foot off the pedal.
- You'll never get it back on.
- Eh? A few years back, I was flying high, then I took a sabbatical, went travelling.
China, India, some of the 'Stans.
Big mistake.
When I came back, no tosser would take my calls.
It's like I'd slid down a career snake.
- What do you mean? - Good luck, yeah? - Oh, hey, kids.
Who's up for some sausage sushi tonight? - Yeah, me! - Yeah! - Ooh, Jesus, Kevin.
Well, it's not actual sushi.
It's just sausage instead of the fish, mashed potatoes instead of the rice, and mushy peas instead of the wasabi.
But we still use chopsticks.
I can tell you exactly what I'm having for dinner tonight.
Um, 50g of bran, two pears and as much spinach as I like.
I feel great, really.
Not hungry at all.
We're having kebabs as a treat cos Charlie apologised to Mrs Lamb for blaming his fart on her in an assembly.
Oh, well done, Charlie.
High five.
- OK, who's having a slice of the spinning elephant leg? - Me! What? Oh, for flip's sake.
They're so neat.
Yeah, this is what I want.
What the flip is that mad flipper doing in there? What is this colour? This is a lovely, warm Yeah.
- No more 'babs, kids.
- But I want a kebab.
Let's go home.
I'll defrost a jar of hot dogs.
So, ladies.
Names.
Let me run you through my faves.
- Sparkles and Rainbows.
- Mm, lovely.
- Maison, Maman, Papa, Bebe.
- Love it.
- Mm-hm.
Yeah.
- Baby Groomers.
- Babies and Gentlemen? That's an awful idea, Anne.
Absolutely.
I thought so, too.
Um, Bubble and Squeak.
You can't just say phrases, Anne.
It has to have something to do with what's in the store.
- What is in the shop? - Store.
Well people are always asking how I look so stylish, how my children are so on trend, where did I get that amazing thing, this amazing thing? Ahh So now I can just say in my shop store.
Store.
Anne, focus.
Kapital Kebabs is gone.
The DIY shop went last month.
Got to go online now if you want pegs.
They shut down the post office, and you know what's in there now? Bubble tea.
Fucking bubble tea, Kevin! The queue spills out into the main road at lunchtimes.
I've had it with the yummy mummification of the high street.
Kevin, are you listening? - Hm? - This is important.
They did the best baba ghanoush in London.
Well, it's very easy to make at home.
Life's too short to dick about with aubergines.
Go away! They want me to cover for Teresa again.
I was promised flexi hours so I could fit work around the kids.
Can't Jill do the kids? I thought you life swapped.
Oh, no, she's gone back to full-time.
She's got her eye on a loft conversion.
A spare bedroom so she can get away from my bloody breathing.
Only another 30 years and you can kick back and die.
No, thank you.
I want to sit up and live, Liz.
Do you know what I've always dreamed of being? Male escort.
No, no, Liz.
I've always dreamed about being a dad/children's author.
A bit like David Walliams, but less sinister.
Oh, don't just dream it, Kevin be it.
I did, I did be it.
I wrote a book, when the kids started school.
Self-published, not because no-one wanted to publish it, but because I was very particular about not being edited.
Which is good, really, cos no-one wanted to publish it.
You wrote a book? Yeah, it was one of those stories with a profound meaning.
You know, like Paddington's about immigration or The Tiger Who Came To Tea's about the Gestapo.
The tiger's a Nazi? Well, that's just bleak, you can't put that on kids.
My book's called Bye-Bye Louis, Bye-Bye Clouse.
Oh, nice, what's it about? Brexit.
Sit down, Anne.
Have some cake.
Oh, I shouldn't.
OK.
What's the intel on Amanda's shop? Well .
.
Johnny's bankrolling it, to give Amanda a bit of focus and to take the edge off the whole separation.
She's actually having a really hard time with it.
She went to pieces in Mums, Bums and Tums last week, apparently.
I've just thought of a brilliant name.
- Hygge Tygge, that's very good.
- No, it's pronounced he-ger tee-ger.
No, actually, it's pronounced hou-ger, to rhyme with cougar.
I know this because I bought Jill a book on it for her birthday, which she regifted to me on mine.
Right, well, I'm actually having a bit of an unofficial opening, not the big one, but just a soft opening.
Kevin, do you fancy popping into Amanda's soft opening? Ooh, yes, when is it? Thursday evening.
See you then.
I don't think so.
Sparkles and nibbles from seven.
Yeah, see you then.
Oh, look at her.
Are you OK, Julia? - Yeah.
- Hey, here's an idea, how about you do one of your little PR launches on my store, now that you're at a loose end? Julia, I would love to help a fellow mumtrepreneur get back on her feet.
No, my client base is much more FMLG, you know? - What? - Fast-moving luxury goods, it's a industry term, Amanda.
No, I meant what client base? - Come on, Jules.
- You're all right, mate.
You all right? You look like a mental patient.
Yeah, no, I'm great, I'm brilliant.
I'm just in a period of adjustment, just adjusting to being self-employed.
Haven't even got a stapler yet, I had loads at work.
And I can't sneak off to the toilet with the reception's copy of Grazia to take a long poo, because it's on my time now.
You know, not on the company dime.
Oh, I love Grazia.
Who do I talk to about Love Island with at the water cooler? I actually thought about getting one, but they're very heavy and realistically I'm not going to get through 18.
9 litres of water a week.
That is a hell of a lot of water.
I might pop back to the office just to see how they all are, Just nick some Post-Its or No, no, come on, Jules! We can do this.
Let's make a pact.
What, to kill ourselves? - I'm in.
- No, let's make a pact to follow our dreams and bloody make it happen.
We can be anything we want to be! And if that doesn't work, just do what I do and drastically lower your expectations! Now, darling, will you go sit quietly over there on the reindeer skin pouffe? There we go, good boy.
Sparkles? Bubbles? Sparkly bubbles? Sparkles.
Bubbly sparkles? Does it smell kebab-y in here to you, Anne? Is that what that is? I thought it was me.
God, I'm hungry.
Sparkly bubbles? Sparkles, bubbles, sparkly bubbles? Bubbly sparkles? Fancy seeing you here.
Oh, well, I thought I'd just pop in! From Leatherhead? Must be an hour, what, an hour and a half's drive? It's nice to show support, isn't it? So, I have to open my own shop for you to come and visit me now, Mother? Unbelievable.
This is where the counter was.
Tub of hummus there, tzatziki there, then your baba ghanoush.
This is where all the salad-y bits would be.
So, like, your shredded red cabbage, shredded white cabbage.
- Chilli sauce - Sparkly bubbles! Sparkly bubbles? Oh, I'll mind this area, thank you, Anne! So, how's the freewheeling going? Freelancing.
Yes, it's great, going really well, it's a breeze.
Well, there you are then.
No, it's actually really hard, it's very difficult setting up a business from scratch when your client base goes from 58 to zero.
Well, you're very good at what you do.
Which is? Parties and whatnot.
I'm in PR.
PR, public relations? Do you know what that is, mother? - Yes! - Yes, you baby boomers, eh? As long as you're OK! "I bought my house for £7,000, I got my lung fixed for free.
"And now I'm busy swanning around, spending my husband's big, "fat pension from the GLC.
" I don't think your generation have any idea how difficult it is juggling a career and children.
Well, Amanda seems to be managing very well.
You think playing shops at Johnny's expense is running a business? This is just a glorified vanity project to take her mind off the fact that she no longer has a husband.
Well, I'll put back this perfumed owl thing I was going to buy you - for your home office.
- Yes, do.
You shouldn't be wasting my inheritance on smelly, old owls.
Great soft opening, Amanda.
Love it.
So, I see you sell books? Oh, these, no, they're not for reading, they're for arranging - on coffee tables.
- Oh, right.
Because I wrote a book that would look quite nice on a table.
I mean, in an ideal world, people would read it, too, but, you know.
People lead such busy lives these days.
Kevin, tonight is about supporting me.
People are here to buy, not sell.
Yeah, of course! Of course.
Oh! This is chic, this How much is this one? Um, oh, we're cashless, Kevin! Oh, OK.
I left, I left my Monzo card at home.
Oh.
So, I'll swing by with the books tomoz! God loves a tryer, but no-one wants this bollocks.
I know, yeah.
If you want my professional opinion, which I know you do, this place is going to fold in two months.
Because none of this was here! All right, Amanda? What a triumph! - Cake in a jar? - Thank you! - Cake in a jar? - Oh, no, thanks.
- Cake in a jar? - Go on, I'll have a cake in a fucking jar.
Can you open my cake, Kev? Cake in a jar? Cake in a jar? Cake in a jar? Come the revolution, this will be the first place to get torched.
She says, sipping Prosecco at the soft opening of a concept store.
Is someone jealous? - Is that what it is? - Jealous? Of this, of me? Is that why you've been telling people this is a vanity project? I don't think I am.
So, why did my son just ask me what a vanity project is? Don't know.
"What's a vanity project, Mummy?" "Where did you hear that, darling?" "Ivy's mum just said your shop is a vanity project.
" No, I think he misheard.
Did you mishear, Manus? You definitely did, Manus, because what I think, I think I said is that this is definitely not a vanity project.
Did Ivy's mum say this is definitely not a vanity project? I definitely did, Manus, so So, Manus is lying? No, he's just not telling the truth about what I said! Because my actual words, I think, to quote, were, "This is definitely not a vanity project, this is the real deal.
" So, mate, hey, look, we all mishear things from time to time, but the main thing is that you've got your mummy's back.
Good boy! Actually, actually! I wanted to say, you know, you made this sound like it was just a .
.
kiosk! Actually, it is a full-blown boutique.
And .
.
I want to get involved.
- Do you? - Yes, Amanda.
I'm going to help you get this shop launched hard.
Store! Ladies and gents! Friends and neighbours, please raise your glasses to Hyga Tyga! Hygge Tygge.
- Hygy Tygy! - Hurda Turda.
One month.
Thought you said 11? Sure, but I have a massage booked for then, so I whizzed over early.
I thought you would have showered by now, Julia.
Um .
.
well, I guess it's just us.
Well, this is a cosy little .
.
worky corner! Yeah, so, thoughts.
I'm thinking about brand personalisation.
So, if your shop had a face, what would that be? Stop, I love that.
If my shop had a -- store -- had a face, it would be my face.
For example, how, how would that face make you feel? - Blessed.
- Hm.
So, I've been putting together a strategy for the next stage of the launch.
So, for example, this is what we did for Muji.
Get you! You know your onions! I always wondered what you got up to at your work.
- Mm? - Well, because you always made it look so hard.
You know? Like your eyes were going to pop out with the stress sometimes.
I don't know.
I'm finding it quite manageable, actually.
Oh! Amanda Holden just liked my post.
Go on! It's like a fucking knick-knack prison.
I mean, Kapital Kebabs' window was awful.
Had all these photos of kebabs and saveloys that looked disgusting, but tasted delicious.
This place is part of my history.
My waters broke in there, with Max.
Where Anne's standing.
There.
Look, right there.
Let's go in.
Come on, Kev, Amanda's your mate! She should bloody stock it.
It's just .
.
this is a really big deal for me.
I put my heart into this book.
Did your girls do the drawings? No! Jill's cousin.
She's a part-time artist.
I love the way she's made the tears the stars of the EU flag.
Yeah, that's really clever.
Come on, Kev, let's go in.
Receipt's in the bag.
- Thanks.
- Great, thank you.
Hi, Anne.
Did Amanda mention I was going to be swinging by with my book? Yeah, it's just one of those stories with a profound message.
Like Paddington's about liberation.
It's just right for Hooga Tooga, I think.
Herga Terga.
I couldn't say.
Amanda's whole thing is, "Would I have this in my house?" And .
.
yeah, you're going to have to talk to Amanda.
She's just away.
- Eyelash extensions.
- OK.
I don't know, Liz.
We should have got the OK from Amanda first.
It will spoil the surprise! I think you're mocking me! I am not, how dare you! Sorry, I thought you were.
Well, I was.
Only a tiny bit.
Not cool, Kevin! Not cool.
Your books.
I'm not going to press charges, but I am pretty sure what you did is illegal.
Oh, no, sorry.
Sorry I can explain.
I think maybe I .
.
Liz We thought because you and I are friends OK, can I just clarify, I am never stocking your book.
And B, we're not friends.
- But we're friendly? - We're not friends, Kevin.
- Our kids are friends? - I'm not stocking your book.
Did you read it? Anne! Who's at the shop? Store! Sorry, I just had to pick up Darius, cos it's, you know, home time? Exactly, Anne, this is peak post-school footfall! Give me the keys! Right, OK, sorry, OK.
- So, these do the shutters, OK? - Yeah.
Front door.
Yale and deadlock.
OK, back door.
Bin gate.
Ignore that one.
Bogs, fuse cupboard, which you probably won't need.
OK, just give them to me! - Anne, you need to pick up Manus and Georgie! - OK, OK! - Hey! - Oh, hi! Julia, I'll just be with you in a moment, - just rushed off my feet right now.
- Yeah, I can see that.
They probably saw you on Living Etc online or in the Mumsnet piece I wangled.
You know, that's 10,000 hits per minute.
- So, that's quite a coup.
Well done me! - Yeah.
I actually forgot how good I am at my job.
You know, I really enjoyed the challenge.
You know, just gave me the kick I needed.
You're welcome, I'm glad I .
.
got you out of your little hole.
No, no, you didn't get me out of a little hole, I-I-I got you out of your big hole.
I think this is going to look great on your CV, Julia.
I don't have a CV, it's not the '80s.
Well, it'll look great on your LinkedIn.
Oh! 200 likes on my bamboo trivet! Ding! - Can I help you with something, Julia? - No, no, it's just I wanted - to say, you're welcome.
- My pleasure! - My pleasure! - No problem.
No, it's just that usually I charge £400 a day for this kind of major brand consultancy work and I did spend four days in my pokey worky corner, pulling in lots of favours, so For your bedroom office.
Mm.
Yeah, it's lovely.
That's £89, please.
Cards only, we're cashless.
It was just the smugness.
Smuggy Tuggy! It was upsetting anyway, but there were tea bags in the bottom of that bin liner.
Two of my books are water damaged! Yeah, well, I did all that work for free! As a favour! I thought it was because you called Manus a liar and had to dig yourself out of it.
No, I did that out of the kindness of my heart, Liz.
- I did very good work on that campaign.
- Can I ask .
.
are we friends? - Define friends.
- Course we're friends, Kevin.
Thank you, Julia.
Because, you know, I've always been there for Amanda.
I ran her class rep campaign for three years.
I gave out leaflets till my thumbs bled.
I'm surprised you're surprised! Amanda's a parasite! A big, blonde tick, sucking the high street dry.
Yes, but this is my point, Liz! Not even a thank you, not a discount off a candle that cost more than a return flight to Spain! I hate to say this, but Amanda has been a right B-1-T-C-H.
Bitch.
You know there are more Hygge Tygge haters out there? Are there? On the Acton Forum.
Oh, yeah? Show me.
Read that one.
ActonSquirrel, aw, that's sweet.
"Shit shops like Hygge Tygge are destroying the community.
"Why can't all the yummy mummies roll up their yoga mats "and knob off back to Nappy Valley?" That's an angry squirrel, isn't it? Right there.
You write one.
- No! - Go on! - OK.
Don't do it under your own name! Oh, yeah.
That's a good point, who shall I be? I've got a good one.
Crouch End Tiger, that's brilliant! I heard .
.
about this shop .
.
through the excellent publicity push.
But it turns out it is a load of old shit.
Clever.
You do one, Kev! - No! - Go on! I can't.
OK.
Shit is the word.
"Shit is the word.
" If this shop were a shit, it would be a great, big, pointless shit, shat out .
.
of a shitty bumhole.
You should work in PR, Kev! Right, I need more wine.
No, don't, just one more! This .
.
shop .
.
is a shit stain on the high street.
#ShitShop.
No, I should delete that.
No, we should take that one out.
We should delete that, I'll get some more wine.
Get me some cheese balls! Get them yourself, you lazy bitch! You know you've had a good night when you find crisps in your knickers.
Hey, guys, have you heard? Amanda's shop's been sabotaged.
Somebody threw a poo at it.
- What? - Isn't it terrible? Someone threw a poo at Hygge Tygge, and then graffitied #ShitShop on the window, apparently.
Definitely said #ShitShop? Yeah! You deleted it, Liz, didn't you? You definitely deleted it, #ShitShop? Yeah.
Well I thought Kev did.
I thought you did! Oh, Kevin and Liz, what have you done? Oh, it's not as bad as Anne made out! Just squirt a bit of bleach and knock it off! I feel terrible.
I'm going to I call in sick, don't you feel terrible? - No.
- We have to say something.
No-one's saying anything, Kevin! I've seen Happy Valley, I know how this plays out! We fess up now, before it spirals.
Remind me never to rob a bank with you.
You're a very weak wingman, Kevin.
We're not fessing up anything, we didn't throw the shit! Or did we? - Did you? - Course I didn't! What, you think I'd pick up a shit? Worse still, do one in my hand and bring it Have you seen it? Yes, yeah.
It's not so bad.
I think you'd you'd have to be looking for I think if they didn't say #ShitShop, I think you'd just think a bird had done it.
I think what hurts most is it's a store, not a shop.
The police are saying it started on the Acton Forum.
- Police? - Why? Why, Julia? What? Oh, yes.
Just, I think people got carried away.
Had too many drinks, egged on by friends or .
.
people they're friendly with? I'm sure they didn't mean any harm.
Anyway, I'm a big fan of this shop, so I'm going to pop inside and I'm going to spend, spend, spend! There's bound to be CCTV of the shop.
There's CCTV everywhere! I'm not sure Gill would look after the kids if I went to prison! You didn't do it, Kev, remember? Right, I've just spent £236 in Hygge-bloody-Tygge, assuaging my guilt, which, by the way, I'm only a third responsible for.
You're the PR genius, who came up with #ShitShop.
- Thank you.
- I don't know how you can both act so cool about this, like nothing happened! We incited a hate crime! I think what we are all forgetting in this is that it is a shit shop! It doesn't matter, Liz! Amanda was so upset! What do you want us to do? I want to do the decent thing! Admit our part in all of this! "Silence becomes cowardice, when occasion demands the speaking "out of a whole truth and acting accordingly.
" - Who said that? - Ghandi! Yeah, and look what happened to him.
I need some air.
You're in a park, Kevin! He's breaking.
We're going to have to cut him loose.
What? Kill him? I was thinking more delete him from our WhatsApp group.
- Kevin, what are you doing? - I can't get it out of my head! The guilt is eating me up! Why didn't you phone or text? Are you mental? And leave a paper trail? Go home and go to sleep.
I can't sleep! I've had half a bottle of Night Nurse and two chamomile teas and nothing! - Nothing! - Right, well, just go and see Liz, then! Do you think Liz did it? Oh, fuck off, Kevin! All right, Kev? Still not looking at us.
Something's up with Kevin.
I'm really good at picking up on these kind of things.
All right, I can't deal with this.
Come on.
Let's sort it out.
Kev.
Kevin.
Kev? Kev? Look at me.
Kev! Kevin! Look at me, look at me, Kevin! You're clearly upset about this.
Just a bit, yeah.
What do you want us to do? What would make you feel better? What would make me feel better? Um we tell the truth! All right, OK! If that's what you'd like, that's what will make you feel better, that's fine.
OK? Because you are our friend and we care about you, Liz will take the rap.
Why am I doing this again? Because you don't care, Liz, and you've got nothing to lose.
And Kevin's having your kids for the next four Saturdays.
Oh, what? Look lovely and svelte in that picture, Amanda.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
- It's a lovely shot.
- It's gorgeous.
- What's all this? - ActonToday.
co.
uk about the incident.
Main body of the website, next to profile on Adrian Chiles - visiting a city farm.
- Right, that's - Amazing! So funny, Julia! I've had more press from a crap on my window than from your entire PR push! Anne's had to restock the pencil plates twice! - Twice? - Yeah.
- Twice! - Yeah.
Well, right, then it's all worked out in the end! - But, um, we just wanted to say - No, no! Nothing, great.
I think that sounds wonderful.
Job done, then.
Can I help you with something, Julia? No, no, just interesting that you think this, um, this flurry of press attention just, um, miraculised out of nowhere.
- What do you mean? - What do you think I mean? Think about it.
Let's go! #You'reWelcome.
Right, bubble tea?