Mrs Brown's Boys (2011) Episode Scripts

N/A - Mammy's Valentine

1 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys! She's Mrs Brown That's Mrs Brown Our Mrs Brown.
"For sale, set of encyclopedias.
"No longer needed as I married a man who knows every feckin' thing.
" Hello, Winnie! Cup of tea? No, I'm grand, love.
What's wrong with you? It's Sharon.
She's depressed.
With all the boyfriends she has, she has no date for Valentine's Day.
They're probably all going out with their wives! Agnes, what do you do when you're blue? I start breathing again.
Are you sure you don't want a cuppa? No.
I'm heading down the shops to get a Valentine's Day card.
For who? For Jacko, of course! Do you want anything while I'm down there? No, Valentine's Day, my arse! Redser asked me one year what I'd like getting for Valentine's Day.
I said, "Get me something with diamonds".
And he got me a deck of fuckin' cards! Hello, Mrs Brown.
Hello, Winnie.
Hello, Betty.
To what do we owe the honour? Just a quick visit.
I thought so, that's why you didn't wash your hair.
Cathy was trying to get a book for me.
Is she about? She's inside.
Any word from the Australian embassy about their emigration? No, apparently it takes a while.
Course it does.
Sure it's on the other side of the world.
Winnie, are you not a bit old for this Valentine malarkey? You're never too old for romance, Agnes.
I get the card every year.
And on the night, I wear kinky underwear.
Well, that's me off me fuckin' dinner! Which reminds me, I must get that underwear back from me cousin.
Your cousin's a priest! Don't get me started! Who was that? Winnie.
She's gone down the shops to get a Valentine before Sharon buys them all up.
I'll get you a cup of tea, love.
Oh, Jesus! You a bit stiff? I'm a bit old.
Missed the gym again? Yes, that's ten years in a row.
What's the book, Betty? It's The ABC Of Sex.
A, B AND C? Three positions? Bono's getting to the age where he's starting to ask questions, so I want to be ready.
There was no book to tell me what to do in my day.
Well, it's all changed since your day.
Yes, it has, Mammy.
If you were going on a first date nowadays, a man would expect you to perform fellatio.
Me? Sing opera? He'd have a better chance of getting a blowjob! Right, I'm off.
I'll drop this book back to you at the weekend, Cathy.
No problem.
Mammy, have you thought about losing a few pounds? You are plumping up a bit.
You should enter that competition in the newspaper.
What's it called? Oh, the mind your own fuckin' business competition! I think you'd do very well in that.
All I'm saying is fat is not good for ya.
This is not fat, Cathy.
This is from all the years of carrying this family on my back.
This is mother's muscle.
Oh, I see.
Oh, when I married your father, the two of us were as skinny as sticks.
It was a wonder we didn't start a fire when we went at it.
Teemy what? Too much information.
No, don't get it.
Keep your buckin' comments to yourself! You never wear that lavender dress any more and it used to be your favourite.
Lavender I don't remember.
Yes, you do.
It's up in your wardrobe and you don't wear it cos it doesn't fit ya any more.
It shrunk in the wash.
No, it didn't! It did, too! All I'll say is, take that dress out and take a good look at it and remember how good you used to look in it.
I'll see ya later.
You mightn't recognise me, after I've finished me exercises.
Really? Yes.
That's enough of that! Tried on that lavender dress today.
And? I got the zip halfway up.
It was like a straight jacket on me.
I was right, it shrunk.
It didn't shrink.
Look, all you have to do is even take a walk every day.
Say, two miles.
Two feckin' miles?! Yes! You can do it.
Just walk two miles every day and in a month I bet you'll be in Kildare.
Great shape.
Thanks, Sharon.
Sharon, I believe you've no date for Valentine's.
Nah, but I'll be all right.
That's the girl, be confident! I am.
Watch this Heyare! Whoever can guess what's in this bag can have sex with me on Valentine's night.
A giraffe! Close enough.
Hello, Winnie.
You just missed Sharon getting a date for Valentine's night.
Oh, I'm glad.
Who is it? That skinny little fellow over there.
Oh, right.
You'd better tie a plank across his arse or we'll never see him again.
Mammy! Sorry.
Here, Winnie, the jackpot at the bingo's going to be 2,000 euro on the 14th.
We'll have a good night that night.
On the 14th, Agnes? Yeah.
I can't go with ya on the 14th.
That's Valentine's night and Jacko's taking me out.
Excuse me.
You'll have to go on your own, pet.
Jacko's taking me into town for tea and biscuits.
For feck's sake! I'm so looking forward to it.
I've never given blood before.
Just as well it's not a four-course meal.
Might have cost you a fuckin' kidney.
Valentine's Day, it's making me laugh.
Even Grandad has a date.
That's it, Mammy.
That's the goal you need.
I need a goal? Now who am I, David Beckham? You should have a date for Valentine's night.
And your goal would be to fit into that lavender dress by then.
That's a great idea, Cathy.
It's all right for you, Winnie, you have man.
Even if he's in and out of hospital all the time.
Where would I get a feckin' date? Off the internet.
Jesus, no, Cathy.
With my luck I'd end up with a buckin' virus.
My cousin got a thing off the internet and the legs were all bandy.
She got a date with someone with bandy legs? No, it was a coffee table! I'll arrange it and all.
I'll just put your photo on the net and we'll see what happens.
If you get any offers, you can pick the one you want to go out with.
You might get a man like Jacko off the internet! You wouldn't get a man like Jacko with a fuckin' fishing net.
I think it's a great idea - Mrs Brown going on a date.
Well, I don't.
We're talking about our mammy here.
Mammy on a date? No way, Cathy, Mammy can't go on a date.
It's not normal.
You could do with clipping your shaft.
Oh, Winnie, I see you've found Betty's book.
It's amazing what you can do with a bicycle pump and a Kit Kat.
There's a man in here holding a woman like a wheelbarrow.
Go on a couple of pages, there's a woman holding a man like a one-armed bandit! And she's going for the buckin' jackpot! Can you imagine me doing that feckin wheelbarrow thing with Redser? "Slow down, slow down! Take a left at the next lights!" "Oh, Jesus, don't go past me mother's!" It's just not right.
And why not? Because she can't! Mammies don't go on dates.
They They play bingo.
Well, excuse me, Dermot, but Mammy is a person and a woman and a woman has needs.
Well, excuse me, the whole lot of you.
Now, Cathy, I haven't decided one way or the other yet, so there's nothing definite.
And you, son, if I do decide to go on a date, I wont be waiting on your permission.
Even Grandad has a date.
That's Mammy's fault.
She's given him Viagra.
You're giving Grandad Viagra, Mammy? Yes.
Why would you do that? Buster said it would stop him pissing on his slippers.
Did it work? Kind of.
His slippers are dry.
He's pissing on the buckin' ceiling now! Grandad, what did I say about these tablets? And I meant it! Cut down on these now.
I went in to call you in your room this morning, your bed was like a fuckin' tent! I mean it! Cut down! Or I'm make you mop that ceiling yourself.
Wait a minute.
I could have a go at this computer thing myself.
I'm sure I could do just as good as Cathy on the dating.
Power on.
"Press any key to continue.
" Any key There's no fuckin' "any key" on it.
Try that one.
Yes, please.
Search What Search for what? "Woman ".
needs ".
" Oh, no that's fuckin' Wogan! No.
"Wo-man "needs "man.
" Search.
Ya dirty bastards! "Lady" "Lady ".
looking for love.
" Search.
Jackpot! Jesus, they're gorgeous! Now, you see, I'd go out with any of them.
Now what's the name of that? Hiya, Grandad.
Cathy, is that you? Yes, Mammy.
Come into the kitchen, quick.
I think I hit the jackpot! I got on your top top tap top I got on the Google and I Googled and I think I found a perfect site! Oh, there's loads of gorgeous men on there, Cathy.
I'd go out with any of them.
Oh, fantastic.
Right, what's it called? It's called Dial a Dick.
Mammy they're gigolos! What? There's nothing wrong with Spanish men! You pay these men and they come out and have sex with you.
That's disgusting! Jesus that's immoral.
It's wrong, it's just complet Oh, my God, I'm going to be sick! How much do you pay them? Here, Agnes, how come you never got another man? I don't know.
I know, you got married for better or for worse.
Yeah, that's it yeah.
He couldn't do any better and I could do any fuckin' worse.
Hello, ladies.
Is Cathy or Maria here? They're up at the bar talking to Sharon.
Oh, I see them.
How's Bono, love? Don't talk to me, Mrs Brown.
He has me heart broken.
The sex education this week, he's asking me question after question.
I don't know what to be telling him.
Tell him the truth - he was found under a heavy cabbage! You see, Buster, love is a strange thing.
You have to be careful.
I know what you mean.
Sometimes you need to use two bags in case the one off of her head falls off.
I mean you have to be careful about where you place your love.
Oh, I know where to place it, all right! I have one rule.
Never date a good-looking girl, in case she leaves ya.
But an ugly girl could leave you, too.
I know, but who cares? I'm going to the gents.
Me too.
All right, love? Yeah.
All right, Cathy? You fancy going for a drink sometime? I'd rather stick cocktail sticks in me eyes.
I'll take that as a maybe.
Any luck on the internet, Agnes? Cathy narrowed it down to three.
Indigo55, Rayband61 but the one she picked is HairyHarry66.
He's coming over to our house on Valentine's night for dinner.
Well, Hairy Harry sounds interesting.
Hairy Harry sounds fuckin' hairy! Is there nobody called Paddy any more? You know, you should skip the internet and go for somebody local.
Like who? What about Jimmy McGinty? Would ya feck off! I wouldn't be his type.
What type would that be? Inflatable.
Jesus, these knickers are killing me.
I can't wait to take them off.
Well, if you're lucky, you might get someone to take them off for you with their teeth! Well, you two are all right, going home to a man in your bed.
Well, excuse me! It's different when you're married.
Isn't it, Betty? Yeah.
Dermot used to be so romantic, but not now.
When will men learn that sex is not romance? Oh, that note, let's drink up and go.
Tonight is our night.
Did you hear that, Buster? Not much after she said take them off with me teeth.
What about Mikey Nolan for a date? I mean, he's a bit of fun.
Mikey Nolan is feckin' mad! Do you remember the community dance? And he thought it would be great fun to strip off naked and run around the room when he's nude with his willy wacking off everything.
Ugliest willy I've ever seen.
Looked like a blind carpenter's thumb.
He had the thing cut off, didn't he? What? What'cha call that useless bit of skin at the end of a willy? A man.
The other end.
Foreskin! He had a circumvision.
There was a chap who lived in our road who used to help the rabbi with that.
Hm?! Yes, he used to collect all the little bits of skin.
He used to make things out of them.
Made my father a lovely wallet.
It was gorgeous.
If you rubbed it, it turned into a fuckin' suitcase! Maria's right.
I do take her for granted.
I need to do something.
A grand gesture, something big.
A bus.
What? I have a friend.
He works down the bus station.
He sells the ads on the sides of them.
If you want, I can have a chat with him.
He could do us a freebie.
How big an ad? As big as you want.
I can get you the whole bus if you want.
Brilliant, I'll do it for Valentine's.
Tell him to write Hang on, Dermo.
Right, go ahead.
Maria Brown is the most wonderful wife and mother in the world and I love her.
How'd you spell that? Which word? All of it.
You won't find them in there.
I know exactly what you're looking for.
Now, I'm going to give you jump up Johnny tonight.
Because tonight, I want you to go out and I don't care if you never feckin' come back! Come on, fetch! Give Smelly Nelly me best.
Howya, Agnes? What are you doing over here? Just came over to wish you luck and tell ya, give him a good seeing to! Winnie, you know the ABC book? Yeah.
Do you remember the wheelbarrow thing? Oh, yeah! What did it look like? Oh, right.
Well, he's here and you're there, or is it the other Tell ya what, Agnes.
Lie down there and I'll show you.
No, no, no.
Agnes, it'll only take a few minutes.
It's not that feckin' important.
Come on! Winnie, slow down, for fuck's sake! Mammy! What are you doing? Agnes, if you do that twice a day for a week you'll lose five pounds.
See ya later.
Thanks, Winnie! It was a thing that Winnie saw on WeightWatchers.
Was it, now? Do you want a cup of tea? No, Mammy, I'm heading over to Betty's.
Mark has to work late, so she has no date, either.
Give you a chance to have the house to yourself for the night.
This is the first Valentine I remember that you don't have a date.
I was thinking that earlier.
You all right? I'm fine, Mammy.
YOU'RE the one with the date.
Are YOU all right? I'm nervous, but I'm excited.
Cathy, you know the thong thing? Yeah.
You know the skinny bit, does that go to the front or the back? The back! I fuckin' knew it! I'm flossing the ying yang off meself.
Cathy, what if he doesn't turn up? Ah, Mammy, he will.
He sounded keen.
He did, didn't he? And I've been practicing me opera.
Na-hiiiigh, ho-ho! Liii-ckim! Naaaay! That's as far as I get, then I get dizzy.
Mammy, fellatio is Hard to fuckin' sing! Forget it, Mammy.
Have a good night.
Good night, love.
How do you do? How do you DO? How do you DO? Hello there.
How do you do? Frighten the shite out of him! Oh, do sit down, please, do sit down.
Make yourself comfortable.
Oh, don't show me that! I am a virgin! Oh, there's a candle to say I love you.
And that's a candle to say keep your fuckin' hands to yourself.
Hello? Yeah, Harry hello.
Are ya lost? Yes.
I see.
No, no, no.
Well, keep in touch.
Oh, lovely.
He's not feckin' coming! Ooh, hoo-hoo! Hee-hee.
Shh, Betty! Knock, Cathy, don't just barge in.
It's open.
Oh, God, I don't think he turned up! Hello, girls.
Hiya, Mammy.
What are you two doing here? We were just heading down for a drink.
We thought we'd drop in on the way to meet Harry.
Well, tough luck.
He didn't come, did he? He didn't even arrive, love.
Jesus, is this an invasion? What are you doing here and who are them feckin' flowers for? You.
I didn't tell ya, but my son didn't know it when he had a good thing.
Happy Valentine's Day.
They're beautiful.
I haven't had Valentine's flowers ever.
"Property of St Francis Cemetery.
" Ya bastard! You're just looking for another tablet.
Here, off with ya.
And the next time you're in a graveyard, Grandad, hold on there.
Save us all the fuckin' walk.
Who's the lucky girl? Molly or Nelly? Both! We're having a threesome! What are yous doing here? I had to tell ya what Dermot did for me for Valentine's.
What? A bus.
A whole bus.
And it reads, "Maria Brown is the most wonderful wif "and mother in the world" Wif? What's a fuckin' wif? It doesn't matter.
and I love her.
" Now that's what I call romance.
Well done, Dermot.
What are you doing here? It's in the script.
Well, there's one you can tell your children when you grow up.
"There was a time when I was a fuckin' typing error.
" Oh, not you two, as well! Howya, Mammy? Oh, my God! Did you see the bus? Isn't it fab? "I love Maria Brown.
" Not that, the other one.
What other one? Well, it said "Cathy Brown is beautiful "and she doesn't need her tits blown up!" Who in the name of God wrote that? It's hot in here, isn't it? Not as hot as it's going to be when I set fire to your eyebrows.
Look, I'm delighted to see all of you and I know you're disappointed that my date didn't turn up.
But it's still Valentine's night.
So, go on, all of you, go out and have a good time.
Hold on, Buster.
Maybe I will go for that drink with ya after all.
Mammy, will you be all right? I'll be fine.
Go on, off with ya.
C'mon, you! Cathy, can I hold your hand? No! Baby steps, Buster, baby steps.
Good night.
Enjoy yourselves.
I love to see young people going out and enjoying themselves.
Get up them stairs.
Good night!