Mrs Brown's Boys (2011) Episode Scripts

N/A - Mammy Swings!

1 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs.
Brown's Boys.
Oh it's good to be home.
My God Mrs.
Brown, it was only one night.
Is our house that bad? Of course not Maria.
It was lovely to wake up to the triplets this morning but I love my own bed.
Well Mark wanted to surprise you with the finished kitchen.
So believe me, it'll be worth it.
Are you ready Mark luv? Nearly.
Just a second.
I'm not great at surprises.
I know.
Remember when you found out you were pregnant on Dermot.
Winnie! Sorry.
Excuse me Mammy.
Was I a mistake? Huge.
Not to me.
After having three boys you must've been thrilled when I came along.
Yeah, thrilled.
Well, it's done.
There's tea on the table for everyone.
Mammy, step in for your first cup of tea in your new kitchen.
I'd like to toast Mammy and her new kitchen.
Cheers.
I want to apologise to Mammy that the new table is not here yet.
Is it Buster? It'll be here on Monday.
I don't want a new table.
I'm keeping that one.
But Mammy, you have that years.
Yes I have.
And my mother had it before me.
Everything important in my life has happened around that table.
I was sitting at that table when your father proposed to me.
Mark, the first time I changed your nappy was on that table.
Dermot, when you went to prison I sat at that table and I cried.
Cathy, I can't count the amount of times I sat around that table talking with you.
After yet another one of your boyfriends fucked off.
All my memories are embedded in this table.
And most of yis were conceived on it.
Which end? Shut up Dermot.
Well I agree Mammy.
You keep the table.
My God, a new kitchen and just in time for my wedding.
And it'll be a brilliant wedding with Maria organising the day.
What? Maria? That's right.
It's one of our wedding presents to you and Deano.
The other is a toaster.
Shut up Buster.
But I already have one.
Okay.
I'll change the toaster for a sandwich maker.
No.
I mean I already have a wedding organiser.
Who? The staff at Wash & Blow arrange Lala Doggy, the fell off that telly programme, Don't Tell The Big Fat Gypsy Bride about the First Dance.
Lala Doggy.
He is great.
But I'm sure you'll be much better Maria.
I mean you are family.
No, it's fine.
I just wanted to help, that's all.
I do have some good ideas though.
Do you think would he mind me suggesting them Rory? No.
I'm sure he'd be fine with that.
Fine.
Who's this? Ah, this is Lala Doggy, the wedding arranger.
And you are? The mother of the br.
.
His mother.
Hello.
I see we have some work to do then.
I beg your pardon! Mrs.
Brown, I expected you to be more elegant.
And I expected you to be yellow with a curly antenna so we're both disappointed.
Lala's just going through some ideas.
Colours and the theme and that.
Theme.
Let me think.
Two people getting married, till death do us part.
I've an idea.
Here's a theme.
It's a buckin' wedding.
What are you staring at? I was wondering what we'd put you in.
Lilac maybe.
I'd like you looking a little more feminine.
He has a fuckin' point really.
Listen you, you're not Gok Won.
You're not even Gok Two.
I dress myself.
Lala, would you like a cup of tea? Yes please.
I'll get it Rory, in a take away cup.
Hello.
Lala, this is my sister Cathy.
Hello.
Hello Lala.
I'm a fan.
I love your fashion ideas.
Really? This is her boyfriend, Mick.
Hello! Hello.
I'll see you to the door.
He just looked me up and down.
Me too.
Me too! Well I can understand that.
What?! But me.
Do you want a cup of tea Cathy? Yes please.
Here.
Mammy, is there a guest list for the wedding reception? I don't know.
Rory, how does this work with guests? Do we invite your uncles and aunties? I suppose you can invite whoever you like.
As long as they're okay with it being a gay wedding.
None of your uncles and aunties so.
I was wondering if I could invite Mick's parents.
What? It's just that they're up in Dublin that weekend and with the wedding I'll only see them for one day but if they can come to the wedding.
.
I've no problem with that.
Just as long as they know it's a gay wedding.
Oh they're fine.
They're broad-minded.
Actually they're very, very broad-minded.
I wouldn't like the first time I meet them to be a family event.
Could I not meet them before the wedding? Well they arrive up on Thursday night but you're on duty.
Well invite them over here.
I'll look after them.
It'll give me a chance to meet them.
Maybe not.
They're a bit odd.
Odd, like what? To be honest with you, I wouldn't be surprised if they were swingers.
What age are they? For God's sake Rory.
It doesn't matter what age they are.
Everybody likes a bit of swing now and then.
There you go, pet.
Thanks.
Where are you up to now? Louis Armstrong.
Louis Armstrong is coming to the wedding? No, I'm on a different list now.
Jazz singers.
Mick the dick's parents are coming for a visit.
Mick was saying that they're swingers.
I'm trying to come up with a bit of background music.
Jazz stuff.
Ah right.
Paddy Cole.
Paddy Cole.
Very good Winnie.
What's that? I'm knitting Sharon a shawl for the wedding.
The virgin wrap.
Yeah, I thought I'd keep her right.
Winnie, it's not called virgin wrap because she might be.
.
It's called virgin wrap because you knit it with virgin wool.
Oh right.
Where will I get virgin wool? Off an ugly sheep.
Right.
Winnie, I swear to God.
Sometimes you're so feckin' naive.
Now back to the swingers.
Hello ladies.
What do you want Buster? Rory's looking to buy a car.
I think I found one he'd like for sale.
Does the owner know he's selling it yet? Very good.
I just want to get him something reliable.
Not going to happen, son.
If it has tyres or testicles you'll have trouble with it.
Do you know if Rory's coming to Foley's after work? Let me think.
He said something about staying in and putting a patch on his Marigolds.
Did he? No! I don't know is the answer.
Rory spends more time with Lala Doggy these days than he does with his own mother.
Mick, will you stop worrying about your parents.
Mammy will just take it in her stride.
Do you think so? Yes, she'll handle whatever pops up.
You know what I mean.
You're right.
I'm sure with 6 children there's very little that could shock your mother.
Exactly.
Like what? What? Well what might pop up that might shock Mammy? No, I don't mean anything specific.
My father's liable to go in there with no inhibitions.
Mammy will be fine.
Mind you if he goes too far he's liable to end up with his inhibitions cut off and in a bag.
What's the name of that count? Count Basie.
I wish you'd let me cook something for you.
Oh not at all.
Sure we ate at the hotel.
We're just fine, aren't we poochy.
Yes we are, my little cheerleader.
Go poochy, go poochy.
I love you! That's nice.
Well it's lovely to meet you at last.
I was a bit of a swinger myself back in the day.
Back in the day.
Stop that now! I bet you could swing along with the best of us even now.
Well no, I.
.
Well.
It's been so long.
I bet you'd like to see more of us.
Well we'll see how the romance goes with Cathy and Mick.
Ah, the young lovebirds.
Yes.
Well just so as you know, you won't be disappointed.
I have a huge penis.
Actually so have I.
I'll get more drinks.
What a pair of fruitcakes.
How is it going Agnes? Winnie, they're as odd.
She's like a feckin' teenager and he.
.
Yeah? He says he has a huge cock.
Get out Winnie.
Pair of fuckin' oddballs.
How's it going Agnes? Oh Winnie, they're as odd.
She thinks she's a teenager and he.
.
Yeah? He says he has a huge penis.
Agnes, they all say that love.
Not when they're a guest in somebody's sitting room! I suppose.
Is there anything you need? No.
I'm going to give them some wine and I'm going to put on a bit of jazz.
That might calm them down.
I'll see you luv.
Ah jazz, very nice.
Now you're talking.
Now, how about a bit of fun? There you go pet.
Oh Winnie.
His willy.
It was like one of the candles in St.
Jarlath's Church.
That had been burning all through Easter week.
Mammy, Mick did try to warn you.
And his wife.
Not a stitch on her.
She just stood there with her titties hanging down.
One each side of her belly button.
They were swingers Mammy.
They certainly were.
Every time she feckin' moved.
What she needed was a good bra.
For God's sake.
So what do you think Rory? I love the colour.
It's a nice car, isn't it Deano.
Aye, but it seems really hard to stop it.
That's just.
.
a bit of air in the brake line.
New brakes.
You just need to pump it.
It'll be gone in a day or two.
Rory, will you keep them calm in here.
Your mammy's after having a close encounter of the willy kid.
Are you okay Mammy? I'm fine, luv.
I'm sure that willy winked at me.
Right, here's your car keys.
Good luck with your new car.
Did you get a new car Rory? Yes, I did.
We did.
Sorry Deano.
We did.
It's lovely.
Come on, I'll give you a spin in it.
Look who I bumped into.
Hello Mrs.
Brown.
Hello Fr.
Damien.
Trevor, get Fr.
Damien a cup of tea.
No thanks.
Fr.
Damien, I'm glad you called around.
I wanted to make some arrangement to have Rory's marriage blessed in the church.
Would Saturday be a good day? Mrs.
Brown, Rory and Deano will never be married in the eyes of the church.
I know that.
I'm just looking for a blessing of some sort.
Perhaps you could explain it better Trevor.
Ah no, I believe this one is all yours.
The church won't bless something it not only doesn't recognise but is against.
Exactly what is it against? The church's position on marriage is that it can only exist between a man and a woman.
I know that but what's the church's position on love? Sorry? Well, there are many different types of love.
Like love for one's family is completely different to love for one's pet, let's say.
Really? What's the difference? Sorry? Explain the difference between those two loves.
Well it's like.
.
Look Father, I know Rory and Deano would need the Pope's permission to get married in the church but they don't need anybody's permission to fall in love.
As for the ceremony, I don't give a shite if they jump over a brush.
But you show me in any bible anywhere where Jesus Christ refused to sanctify love.
Would you like me to show you out Father? Yes.
I think so.
Lala should be here any minute now.
I'll get it.
Now Mammy, you just let Lala get on with it.
Don't interfere.
Excuse me, I speak to my mind.
I'm not going to sit here with my mouth shut if this gobshite is talking rubbish.
Mammy, tonight is about Rory and Deano's wedding.
Sorry, you're right.
Hello Tinky Winky.
It's Lala.
Of course it is.
A far more sensible name.
So what's the big wedding idea? An underwater wedding.
Brilliant.
Wow.
He's off his fuckin' trolley.
My hat will get ruined.
No, we all war wetsuits and oxygen tanks.
That'd be a marvellous wedding album.
Who's that in the snorkel.
Fucked if I know.
They all look the same to me.
Rory, you can't even swim.
That's right.
What's the chances of drowning? 100% I'd say.
I'd like to suggest something more traditional.
I've actually drawn pictures.
We don't want to see pictures.
If my wife wants to show pictures she shows pictures.
Thanks luv.
The theme is pure love.
The happy couple are in white suits and you walk down the aisle to the song "Nights in White Satin".
Now Maria.
Now you're talking.
Boring.
It's a gay wedding.
It has to make a statement.
Why? What? Why does it have to be a gay wedding? Why does it have to make a statement? Why can't it just be that Rory and Deano are in love and they want to commit themselves with that love together for the rest of their lives.
We don't need a circus.
We don't need wetsuits and feckin' oxygen tanks.
My idea is much better.
It's an underwater wedding.
That's silly! Shut up the two of you.
There's only two people driving this and that's Rory and Deano.
It's up to them to choose the wedding that they want.
So boys, what's it going to be? Oh Deano, what do you think? I don't know.
What do you think? Oh I don't know.
What do you think? Oh I don't know.
For Christ sake, one of you decide.
We're missing Strictly Come Dancing.
Strictly! Where's the remote control? You bastards.
The whole lot of you! Rory.
Rory love.
Well I think we all know who's the blame for that.
We certainly do.
Yes we do.
Grandad, you bastard.
Why did you rush them? Hiya Winnie.
Howya luv.
Cup of tea? I'd love one.
Where's the milk? In the fridge.
Where's the fridge? I'm fucked if I know.
I know a fridge door when I see one and I don't see one in this kitchen.
Jaysus, a new kitchen and they forget the fridge.
You're just in time.
I baked a cake in the microwave.
I've never baked in a microwave.
Me neither.
They give you a recipe book and all with it.
Just a small slice for me Agnes.
What the hell is that? You need a bigger cake tin.
No, it wasn't like that when it went in.
That oven's shite.
You can tell her.
No, you tell her.
No.
Well somebody's going to have to tell her.
No way.
It should be a family member.
You married into this family.
You're a Brown now.
I want a divorce.
Come on Dermot.
You're her favourite.
She's less likely to kill you.
Okay.
But I'm telling her through the hatch.
That way I can make a run for it.
Hiya Mammy.
Hello son.
You're just in time.
Come in, I have cake.
No, you're fine.
I'll stay here.
I spoke to Rory.
Oh good.
He was very upset last night.
Me too.
Nicky in the dance-off on Strictly.
No.
About the wedding.
You tell him to get home here as soon as he can.
We'll make it work.
The thing is Mammy.
.
Open that door.
You know how quick she can move.
The thing is, Rory and Deano got married this morning.
Just the two of them, on their own.
Did you hear me Mammy? Where the hell is she gone? Jaysus! Rory did what, why, when? Married, this morning.
Without his mother.
Yes.
Just like that? Just like that.
Rory, you're here.
Thank God.
Out of the way! Move! Come back here, you bastard.
Maria, is this true? First I heard of it.
Let me go and check with Dermot.
Freeze.
It's true Mammy.
I'm so sorry.
There's only one thing to be said, isn't there.
Thank fuck.
What? Good man Rory.
What is it Agnes? Rory and Deano, they've eloped.
Ah feck it.
After me buying new flippers.
They might take them back.
Mammy, you don't mind about there not being a big wedding? Mind? I don't want to see my Rory as a tit in white satin or drowning in a tank full of seahorses.
I want to see my Rory as my Rory.
So do I.
Good.
You get in touch with him then.
Tell him to get home, him and Deano, his husband.
To get back here as quick as they can.
We'll throw a surprise party for them.
That's a great idea.
Cup of tea, luv? I have it Mammy.
Where did you get that milk? In the fridge.
They hid the fuckin' fridge.
What the hell is that? It's a cake I baked in the microwave.
It's no good Cathy.
Did you follow every bit of the recipe? Every bit.
3 eggs, cup of milk, 45 ounces of flour.
4 to 5 ounces of flour.
I can't believe we're after getting 3 series out of that fuckin' joke.
Right, that's 50 balloons.
Just pull that strong and they'll all come down together.
Right.
That'll be your job.
We all come out of hiding in the kitchen and shout surprise.
You pull the string.
You better hide behind that chair.
Winnie, I don't know if I've ever been more excited.
Remember that coach trip when you whipped off your knickers.
Winnie! I'm just making a comment not a buckin' comparison.
I'll get it.
That's them everybody.
Into the kitchen.
SURPRISE! Buster, for feck sake.
Does that look like a gay couple to you? Gather up those balloons and put them back in.
Look everyone, Rory wouldn't ring the doorbell.
I told him to honk his horn when he's coming up the road.
So don't be panicking.
We'll have plenty of time to hide.
Fr.
Damien, what are you doing here? Like the rest of you.
I came to celebrate the happy couple.
I thought you didn't accept gay marriage.
No Mrs.
Brown.
I said the church was against it.
I'm happy to celebrate love in whatever shape it comes.
That's them.
Places.
I think I'm going to wet myself with excitement! Mammy.
What? You deserve this moment.
Thanks luv.
Here we go.
SURPRISE! Mammy, I'm so sorry.
Mammy.
Say something.
I didn't like this fuckin' kitchen anyway.
Go grease lightnin'.
You're burning up the quarter mile.
Greased lightnin'.
Go greased lightnin'.
Go greased lightnin'.
You're coasting through the heat lap trials.
Greased lightnin'.
Go greased lightnin'.
You are supreme.
The chicks'll scream for greased lightnin'.
Go greased lightnin'.
You're burning up the quarter mile.
Greased lightnin'.
Go greased lightnin'.
Go greased lightnin' you're coasting through the heat lap trials.
Grease lightnin'.
Go greased lightnin'.
You are supreme.
The chicks'll scream for greased lightnin'.
Lightnin'.
Lightning.
Goodbye!