Nobodies (2017) s02e04 Episode Script

1 - Hey.
- Hey.
Thanks for driving me to work again, but I really can drive myself.
I don't want to drive you.
I need to talk to you.
Close the door, let's go.
Speedy Gonzales, hold on.
Gotta buckle up for safety.
- Ooh! - Whoa! Hugh! What the hell? How am I supposed to see this guy? God, what is wrong with you? You could have killed him! (MAN LAUGHING) - Oh, God.
- Hey.
You almost clipped me there, big guy.
- Sorry about that.
- Muah.
- You guys off to work? - Yeah.
- Trying to.
- What are you doing tonight? - Wanna do something? - Yeah.
Michael and Ethan are in Palm Springs for their anniversary, so I have Lois, but you can come over.
Oh, okay, great.
What time were you thinking? Um 7:00-ish? No, 7:00.
7:00's good.
Maybe like 6:45.
I mean, I can text you when I get out of work if you want.
No, no, no, I think 7:00's good because I have this thing and I'll - I'll eat a late lunch.
- Okay, why don't I text you when I Is there maybe any way you guys could figure this bullshit out later? Yeah.
My bad.
So, babe, I'm gonna go to the gym and then I'll call you later and we'll figure it out.
- Okay.
- Bye.
Okay, I think that's We'll get her back to you tonight.
- 10:00 and 2:00.
- Oh.
(RACHEL) You know, you could be nicer.
Rachel, I have to talk to you.
Larry's wife is having an affair.
What? I saw her last night on a date with some man.
How do you know it was a date? It was in a bar.
It was at night.
She was wearing a dress.
She was wearing, like, this low-cut thing.
All it was, was Jen's breasts everywhere.
Jen would not cheat on Larry.
We We should just ask.
I'm sure there's a simple explanation.
Wait, what are you doing? I just texted Larry.
I said, "Hey, what did you and Jen do last night?" You just send that text out of the blue? Who would not think that's an insane question? "Great question, thanks for asking.
I went home and Jen had dinner with a girlfriend.
" "She had affair.
" Oh, my God, he wrote that? - Uh, yeah, he's writing more.
- (PHONE CHIMES) "Sorry, went too soon.
She had affair well dinner with her girlfriend.
" What? Did you mean a farewell dinner? (PHONE CHIMING) "Oh, is that how you spell it? I gonna call you now.
" My God, he's an idiot.
- (CELL PHONE RINGING) - Hello? (LARRY) That's really how you spell it? All in one word? It looks crazy.
Who you talking to? Rachel.
Is she with Hugh? Huh? I'm gonna go, um, to the bathroom.
I love you.
Mmm.
Did you get that email from CBS? (RACHEL) I don't I don't know, I'll look.
(CELL PHONE RINGING) Who's that? - I don't know that number.
- (LARRY) Who you talking to? Well, answer it.
It could be CBS.
Ugh! - Hello? - (JEN) Hugh? It's Jen.
(LARRY) Are you at a drive-thru? Like an In-N-Out? (WHISPERING) Uh, yeah, hold on.
Are you alone? (MOUTHING WORDS) Uh, yes, I'm alone.
Hello? (WHISPERING) Hold on! (JEN) I saw you last night.
I know you saw me too.
Uh (MOUTHING WORDS) Um (JEN) It's not what you think! I mean, it is.
But nothing's happened.
Yet.
I don't know.
I'm freaking out! Don't tell Larry, or Rachel.
- Rachel's a blabbermouth.
- (LARRY) What are you doing? Are you still looking for that email? All it says is the new showrunner is starting today.
- (WHISPERING) Okay, great.
- (WHISPERING) Why are you whispering? Hugh, are you still there? Where are you? (WHISPERING) I'm in Hugh's car, shh.
Uh, yes, I'm still here.
Just promise me you won't tell Larry.
I-I just need time to think.
Promise me.
I promise.
(JEN) I'm counting on you.
Our marriage is in your hands.
(PHONE BEEPS) Are you guys still at that drive-thru? Get me something.
Today's my cheat day.
Well, yesterday was my cheat day, but I can do two days in a row, right? All right, I'll see you at work.
(PHONE BEEPING) - Well, it's somebody's cheat day.
What? Someone in this house is cheating.
What? It's me.
(EXHALES) In-N-Out.
Just today.
Whew! Feels good to get that off my chest.
- We have to tell him.
- No, we do not.
Jesus Christ! I just promised the woman I wouldn't tell him.
My God, well, I can't just act like Hey, you must be Rachel and Larry or Hugh? Uh, Hugh.
Hey, I'm Dave Rothko.
I'm the new showrunner.
Uh-huh.
Don't hate me.
It's weird, I know.
I assure you, I am on your side.
It is not me versus you, it's us versus them.
- That's great.
- Great.
All right.
Hey, Larry.
- Oh - I'm Dave.
I'm the new showrunner.
I just did the "don't hate me" speech for Hugh and Rachel.
Basically, it's weird.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hi, good to meet you.
Uh, where's my food? What? I didn't eat any breakfast 'cause you said you were gonna get me In-N-Out! - In-N-Out? - Oh, my God.
I'm going in my office.
Uh, Larry, I do believe that's my office now.
I'm sorry.
Maybe if you just sit down, we get started, we get out of here at a reasonable hour.
(SIGHS) Great.
(DAVE) Okay.
What? Why are you staring at me like that? CBS wants us to have this table read ready by next week.
Gives us a ton of time to get this thing in shape.
Maybe it's just a me thing, but I love to start a pilot off with a big entrance.
Where's my Larry, Hugh, and Rachel? Oh hello there.
Melissa McCarthy.
Yeah, I know.
We've worked together.
I don't believe we have.
- Dave.
Rothko.
- Doesn't ring a bell.
I did punch-up in Atlanta with you on "The Boss" for like th-three months.
I don't think so.
But then again, I'm not a visual person.
Good thing you're directing the pilot.
(LAUGHING) Oh, Hugh! You know what? - That's what I'm here to talk to you about.
- Oh.
Actually, I was thinking, "Hey, why don't I pop in so I can hear the script as opposed to reading it?" I can just kind of recline somewhere vertically and-and I can listen to you guys speak it or-or "perform it.
" If you're talking about a table read, we're doing one, uh, next week.
No, it can't be next week.
I'm in Thailand all next week.
Sia is doing a rebirthing ceremony and I'm part of the lower canal.
(CHUCKLING) The birth canal.
It's messy, but it's gonna be spectacular.
Let's look at this week, shall we? It's already Tuesday.
You know what? Friday is out.
Ben is having laser hair removal surgery, which is really a gift from me to me.
(GIGGLES) Let's see.
Thursday, I'm shooting, skeet shooting.
Tomorrow is obviously too soon.
Tomorrow is perfect.
Okay.
Like, end of the day? Oh, I'm more of a morning person.
I like to have a little nip in the afternoon, and who knows? I mean, mid-afternoon, I could be done with my Rosé.
So tomorrow morning it is, for sure.
Right? Oh, I know those faces.
I know what that means.
Am I stressing you out? Let's rewind.
Let's do late tomorrow morning.
Okay? How productive are we, right? Unbelievable.
So lovely seeing you, and Steve.
- Dave.
- (MELISSA) Car! All right, we have 24 hours to write a script.
Obviously, it's gonna be a late night, but we can do it.
Wait, what are you gonna do about Lois? - (RACHEL) Um - Who's Lois? Lois is my daughter, but it's it's fine.
Um, she has a playdate after school and I'll just ask the mom if she can spend the night, you know? Don't worry about me.
This single mom has her stuff together.
- I'm not gonna be the problem today.
- (CELL PHONE RINGING) Hold on one second.
It's the school.
Hello? Yes? Okay, I'll be right there.
Lois is sick.
I have to pick her up.
- What? - (HUGH) Well, wait a second.
I drove you here, so either I have to take you or you gotta take my truck.
Hugh, your truck only has a front seat.
Lois can't sit in the front seat.
- Hello! - We'll take my car.
What is happening? I guess I have to drive Rachel.
Rachel can't drive.
She can't even drive her own car.
(RACHEL) Okay, Hugh, can you come, please? - 'Cause you make Lois laugh and I'm I'm stressing.
- Yes, yes.
Guys, we have a show that we have to have written tomorrow.
Okay, Curtis and Marry-Ellen enter with their luggage.
Hilarious.
We need a line from Larry.
Larry, what do you want to say? - Larry! - Huh? Can you guys talk louder? It's very hard to hear from up here.
Yep.
What do you want to say, Larry? (LARRY) Ummmmm, I don't know.
Hey, how's the patient? - (LOIS) My throat hurts.
- Oh (RACHEL) Yeah, we need to take her to the doctor.
Come on, you said we were going to the office next.
Larry, can you type in "Westwood Pediatrics"? - It's over by UCLA.
- Seriously? We're driving to Westwood? That's like an hour away.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Do you want my child to die? - What? - Hey, you're not gonna die.
It says it's gonna take us 84 minutes.
We can't afford that much time, please.
Why don't you go to my pediatrician, Dr.
Schnitman? You remember Schnitman, you had a date with him.
We're not going to Schnitman.
He's like ten minutes from here.
- We'll be in and out.
- Perfect, ten minutes.
Schnitman's it is.
I thought we'd be in an out.
It's been over an hour.
We could have gone to Westwood.
I don't know how long these things take.
Jen always takes the kids.
But they got us in this room fast.
That's something.
(FLY BUZZING) Is there a fly in here? That's not even sanitary! Hey, can we focus, please? It's 12:45.
We're officially in the p.
m.
's.
We've yet to meet your wife.
Don't you think people are interested in your wife? Okay, how's it Uh Larry.
Uh, what what, uh Rachel.
What's, uh, going on? Walter, the man who takes care of my family.
(PANTING) But, today I brought you somebody else's kid for a change.
- Okay.
- (FLY BUZZING) Um, hi, Walter.
It's good to see you again.
You too.
Uh, she's got a really sore throat.
I'm sorry.
Oh, I can Right, I can check on that.
Oh, man.
Excuse me.
(DAVE) Sorry.
Just gonna - Okay.
- That's him.
That's the guy.
That's the one that went on a date with Jen.
- What? - Mm-hmm.
- What? - Uh, what? No.
- Uh, nothing.
(CLATTERING) - So, Jen.
- What about Jen? Uh get through here? There's no way.
That's the same man.
Good.
I'm gonna kill you.
(WHISPERING) Oh, I deserve it.
(SLAMS HAND ON COUNTERTOP) It's a fly.
I got him.
Now Jen's gonna think I told Larry and I brought him to Schnitman's office to confront him.
No one's gonna think that.
- Larry came here to confront me.
- (JEN) Oh, my God.
- What am I gonna tell him? - We'll tell him the truth.
That we're in love and we want to get married.
I'm not in love with you! I met you for a drink! I'm just lonely.
I'm lonely, too.
That's why it's so perfect.
Walter, this was a mistake.
- I need to talk to Larry.
- We can - (PHONE BEEPING) - Hello? So, Jen.
We still haven't met Jen.
Not that it matters.
She's just your wife, who's a major character in the show who we haven't written a word for yet.
All right, we can focus and we can do this.
Really? Because we're on page two and we have a table read at 11:00 in the morning.
Do you know if CBS is gonna be at the table read? Do I know if CBS is gonna be at the CBS pilot table read tomorrow? - I'm positive.
- Oh, my God.
I didn't think about this.
This is the first time they're gonna see me as an actor.
Do I look like I could be an actor in a CBS sitcom? You have the desperation of an actor.
It's my eyebrows.
They're too light.
I have an expressive face, but you can't tell 'cause you can't even see my eyebrows.
(PHONE CHIMES) - I thought I had a week.
I would've made an appointment with my girl.
Melissa just moved the table read.
Oh, great.
Now we have more time.
No, it's 9:00 a.
m.
It's two hours earlier now.
Oh, my God.
I gotta buy something to darken my eyebrows.
Cephalexin? What the hell is that? It's usually amoxicillin.
My God! I told you we shouldn't have gone to Schnitman.
I'm gonna call his office.
Hey, hon', can I see the phone? But, Mommy, I'm playing a game.
Let me see your phone.
Oh, uh, no, I left it in Larry's bus.
My God, you're so irresponsible.
Larry, give me your phone.
Gimme! "Please.
" My God.
(CELL PHONE VIBRATING) (RACHEL WHISPERING) Jen.
I told you! Now she thinks she has to tell Larry! Hello? (JEN) Larry, it's not what you think.
I mean, yes, I went on a date with Walter, but nothing happened.
He's just a friend.
Jen, it's Hugh.
Hugh? I answered Larry's phone.
He doesn't know anything.
But you went to Walter's office.
That was for Rachel's daughter.
It's a long story, but I did not tell Larry anything.
Oh, thank God.
What am I doing? (JEN SOBBING) Larry's just never here anymore and he spends more time with you and Rachel than he does with me.
I mean, isn't that a kind of cheating? Well, why am I the bad guy? I-I I'm not trying to hurt anybody.
Jen, just calm down, all right? Uh, if you just wait, um, everything is about to change for you guys.
We just have to get through this table read tomorrow.
For the "Larry Hates His Family" show.
I get that that was insulting, the script that you read, but we're changing all of it.
Just give Larry another chance, all right? I mean, as bad as the last year has been, it could all change tomorrow.
All right.
I'll give him another chance.
Should I go black for the table read? Oh I'm doomed.
- So we're staying here, right? - Yes.
We're not going anywhere else until this thing is finished? Correct, I just need to very quickly make Lois a mac and cheese.
Oh, my God.
Is that Mark-Paul Gosselaar? (RACHEL) He's our neighbor.
And he's Rachel's boyfriend.
What? Mark-Paul Gosselaar? With you? - Okay.
- I mean, uh, you know (MOCKING TONE) "I mean, uh, wuh-wuh.
" (LARRY) That's crazy.
I mean, doesn't he date models? Isn't that his thing? Is that his thing? He'd be great in our show.
As what? As the neighbor.
(DAVE) The neighbor, Larry? We haven't met your wife yet.
We're still on page two.
Mark-Paul, you remember Hugh.
(MARK-PAUL) Of course.
Hey, Hugh.
And this is Larry.
Hey, Larry.
How are you? Big fan.
Thanks.
Dawson.
What? "Dawson's Creek.
" You were Dawson.
That's James Van Der Beek.
He's wonderful.
Hey, Hugh.
That's pretty cool, huh? - Yeah, Rachel's Mom did that.
- Aww.
- Yeah, no, I-I know.
- Yeah, there's one that matches.
You know, it's like a set with that.
Uh, yup, I know that.
- But it's lost.
- Yeah, I know.
Do you have a charger? I don't know.
Maybe in Ethan's office.
- Is she sick? - Yeah, a little bit.
Well, guys, you know, I can watch her if you need to head back to the office.
- That's sweet, but - No, Rachel, Rachel, don't worry.
I played a doctor in this pilot called "Philadelphia General.
" It didn't go, but I learned CPR.
Perfect.
You got an actual doctor.
This is perfect.
How convenient.
Let's go! (DAVE) Okay, it's 5:17.
If we don't waste a second, maybe by some miracle, we can get this done, but we have to meet Jen.
I completely agree.
However, I am starving.
This is not my fault.
I thought I was gonna get In-N-Out this morning.
I'm not saying we have to get In-N-Out 'cause Larry wants In-N-Out.
I'm very open.
I'm very easy.
Probably not feeling Mexican.
Shut up! Shut up, Larry! Shut up, all of you! - We didn't say anything.
- Shut up! We are not gonna get this done.
Let's just admit that.
Why don't we face the facts for a second? We're gonna be humiliated tomorrow.
And I know that doesn't mean anything to the three of you 'cause you have nothing to lose, but I have an actual career and this is my reputation and I'm gonna look like an idiot tomorrow in front of Melissa McCarthy! And I don't know what your dealings are with her, but she's not very nice.
So why don't we just pack up our stuff and go? And, Rachel, you should just be a stay-at-home mom, because from what I can tell, you obviously can't be a working mom! Oh, is that right? Because I don't ever hear my daughter complaining.
That's not true.
And, Hugh, you seem dead inside.
You have soulless, lifeless eyes.
Do you care about anything? I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.
And, Larry, I don't know if you were planning on being a sitcom star, but I got a newsflash for you, buddy.
It ain't gonna happen! Wait.
What? We have a script.
It's funny.
- Larry - CBS never saw it.
They wrote it.
It's great.
- What about Jen? - I think Jen'll be fine.
I really do.
I think she just overreacted when she read it, but lately, she's been way more relaxed.
She's been going out with her girlfriends.
Larry, uh I gotta tell you Hugh.
You gotta trust me on this one, all right? My marriage is gonna be just fine.
It's all gonna work out.
You can't tell, but I'm flashing my eyebrows right now.
But you're gonna be able to tell tomorrow at the table read.
(LARRY) This is crazy.
We've been waiting for, like, 45 minutes and no Melissa.
Should we just start? What? Is it my eyebrows? Is it Is it too much? No.
No, no, no.
You'd tell me, right? Mmm.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- I'd tell you.
- Okay.
Ugh! I am so, so sorry that I am late.
My former assistant, as of 20 minutes ago long story didn't put this appointment into my phone, so apologies.
(DAVE) Okay.
First, let me say, I am incredibly proud of this script and we are super excited for you to hear it.
Reading Jen and Mary-Ellen is Rachel Ramras.
Hugh Davidson will be reading Curtis and the neighbor, and Larry Dorf will be reading for Larry Dorf, obviously.
I'll read some of the smaller roles and the stage directions.
You know what? Why don't I just read the stage directions? I'm theatrically trained, I've been told, so, um, it's no problem, and I'm just thinking maybe you don't have exactly the kind of voice people want to hear.
(LAUGHING) Okay.
Okay, thank you, right over there is good.
Nope, nope.
Okay.
(EXHALES) Without further ado, we give you "Open Dorf Policy.
" (APPLAUSE) Interior, Larry's house.
It's a mess.
Toys are everywhere, dishes piling up in the sink, etcetera.
Two babies are on the floor completely unattended.
(LAUGHTER) Jen, a harried housewife enters wearing old sweatpants.
She hasn't showered in days.
She'd be pretty if she tried, but she never tries.
I mean, this woman is a mess.
(LAUGHTER) Larry, Larry! Who's watching the babies? Larry enters.
They're watching each other.
I told this one to watch that one and that one to watch this one.
(LAUGHTER) My parents are coming down from Long Beach in an hour and the house is a mess! Up.
What? Up.
It's up from Long Beach.
Long Beach is south of us.
Shut up, Larry! (LAUGHTER) As Curtis drops the menorah into the trashcan, we fade out.
(APPLAUSE) Oh, nicely done.
Oh, my God, I think that went great.
I've never heard people laugh that hard.
Yeah.
You were great.
You were so funny as the neighbor.
We should talk casting.
Any thoughts on who should play Larry? Yeah, I-I-I thought Larry was playing Larry.
(LAUGHING) No.
Can you imagine? Can you imagine Larry playing Larry? Ahh! Why don't you put together a list of actors and we'll talk in a day or two? How about Mark-Paul Gosselaar? You know what I was thinking? What about Mark-Paul Gosselaar? - That's a great idea.
- I love him.
He's perfect.
He's funny, sexy.
He doesn't have crazy eyebrows.
(LAUGHTER) - I thought that was just me.
- No.
They're happy.
You know who else is gonna be happy? My wife.
Because her husband is about to be the star of a CBS sitcom.
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES) - Ooh.
- "Ooh" is right.