Nobodies (2017) s02e03 Episode Script

Page One Rewrite

1 (TRAFFIC SOUNDS) Paul, tell Hugh not to go back to LA.
You know, I think it's wonderful.
This is the golden age of television, Hugh.
You know, 20 years ago, they thought TV was moribund and film is where one had to go to truly express themself as an artist.
But here, I find myself in Toronto shooting "Elastic Girl" with the surprisingly inelastic Reese Witherspoon.
And by that, I mean I find her rigid, inflexible, totally resistant to my direction.
In fairness, I did ask her to hang off the side of a Boeing 737 as it took off Perhaps she was concerned for her own safety, I can see that now.
But in my own defense, the stuntwoman they sent me was a squat little woman with the arms and back of a stonemason.
What was I to do? So I envy you, Hugh, and this exciting television pilot you've got going.
You know, it's funny, the whole thing started as a joke, and now I'm genuinely excited to hear what the network has to say.
'Cause I think we wrote a great script.
- You're so cute.
- Mmm.
Who are they thinking of for Larry? - What do you mean? - Like, who's gonna play Larry? Larry.
(BOTH LAUGHING) That's That's a choice.
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES) Oh, God! Whew, God, that's really funny.
- Mmm.
- Mmm! - Nice.
Just a splash of orange juice.
- Yep.
Everyone else does just a splash of champagne.
- That's pointless.
- That's disgusting.
I'm not a child, I don't need a cup of juice.
Okay, what movie should we watch? Oh, why don't we watch a movie starring our neighbor Mark-Paul? - Ooh! - What's it about? Well, there's this one where he switches places with his dad, so it's like he's the dad and the dad's him.
That sounds stupid.
It is stupid, that's the point.
- But he's very cute in it.
- Yeah.
Hey, monkey, I think we need some salty stuff.
Chips or pretzels? - Why "or"? - Okay.
So, speaking of our neighbor, how was tennis? It was nice.
He's, um, very nice.
- Rachel? - What? He's nice.
I think you gotta go for it.
Well, he's sexy, and cute, and travels to exciting places.
I could see him one day just whisking you away to Ibiza.
Right, that's perfect for a working mom.
(SCOFFS) Oh, my God.
- What? - You're doing that thing where you're already figuring out why this isn't gonna work.
No, you did it with Hugh.
"Oh, I work with him.
" You did it with me, "Oh, you're gay.
" Like, what if there's a scenario where this guy's lucky to be with you? Okay, let's say Let's say we did go out on a date, right? I mean, everyone would just be like "Eww, who's that?" Like I'm his assistant or something.
Well, stop dressing like a secretary.
(BOTH LAUGHING) Oh, my God, does that need to be on the bed? Oh, Izzy's bone? No, I was talking about Rachel.
Do you know who you remind me of? - Who? - Bert from Bert and Ernie.
- Wanna know why? - Not really.
'Cause Bert's a bummer and you're a bummer.
- Mm-hmm.
You're drunk.
- Gettin' there.
Don't you have work to do? Aren't you turning in a script tomorrow? Actually, we finished it on Friday and it is so good.
I'm telling you, we're gonna be your star clients.
Oh, I could finally drop that deadweight JJ Abrams.
Okay, can we stop talking about work? As someone who doesn't work, it's very annoying.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye, Bert.
- Bye, Betty Ford.
So you flew all the way to Toronto just for the weekend? Uh, I was there for about 23 hours.
That's kind of a big gesture.
It's like, the kind of thing you do if you're gonna propose to someone.
I'm not proposing to someone.
You're sure Sam didn't think you were gonna propose? 'Cause if you keep flying to Toronto, she will.
Well, I'm not gonna keep flying to Toronto.
- Hey! - Hey, what're you guys doing here? - What do you mean? - I-I turned the script in.
You're done.
Right, but don't we need to wait for notes from CBS? No, no, no, no.
I'm gonna do that.
I'm gonna take care of all that stuff, so you guys can just you can go home.
Larry, we're not gonna make you do it by yourself.
- So what'd you do this weekend? - What do you mean? I don't know You know, I did nothing.
It's the weekend, you know? I didn't do anything.
Why don't we, uh, just dive right in and, um Oh, Jesus Christ we'll just, um, let's work, let's just get to work.
What work? What is the matter with you? There's nothing the matter with me.
Are you nervous about our script? They're gonna love it.
I know they're gonna love it.
They're gonna love our script.
And I'm gonna go do executive producing work.
Okay? Budgets.
And I'm gonna do that, uh, right now.
He's just nervous.
Which one of you is Rachel? Oh, I am.
Ooh! What is this? What's the occasion? I don't know.
Aww! Mark-Paul invited me to dinner tomorrow night.
And so now what do you do, you send him a bouquet of flowers to let him know whether you're going? Roses, "Yes, I'll be there.
" Violets, "No, I will not be there.
" That's so funny.
(HUGH) Hello? Hi, this is Antonia calling from Kevin Thune's office at CBS.
Oh, uh, hi, yeah.
- We're just gonna get Larry.
- (ANTONIA) Great.
He Oh.
Are you okay? Yeah.
- CBS is on the phone.
- What?! What did they say? Did you talk to them? 'Cause I should talk to them.
It's chain of command.
I talk.
Aye, aye, captain.
They're on speaker phone for ya.
Hi, uh, th This is Larry.
(ANTONIA) So Kevin's wanting to set up a notes meeting here today at 4:00 pm? Great.
Larry will be there.
Actually, Kevin requested for all the writers to be there.
So we'll see you at 4:00 pm? Hello? Uh, yes, you will see us at 4:00.
Okay, great, thank you.
Thank you.
What is wrong with you? I have to get ready for the meeting.
(BREAKS WIND) Normally, we wouldn't drag you guys down here, we'd just do this over the phone.
But we value our relationship with Melissa McCarthy.
- And her husband Ben.
- Sure.
And we want this pilot to be done right.
Totally get it.
We really didn't like the script.
Didn't? - We did not like the script.
- No, we didn't.
There's nothing edgy in here.
The characters are bland, they're nearly indistinguishable from one another.
They're too polite, there's no conflict between them.
In comedy, you need conflict.
You need flawed characters.
Everyone can't just be nice.
Um, I'm sorry, even the father-in-law, you-you thought he was nice? Y-Yes, that's exactly what they just said, okay? So let's just take the note and we don't have to be so defensive.
I'm not being defensive, I'm confused.
For example, this scene between Curtis and Larry on page Nope, you know what? We get it.
And we don't need to hear it because it's very clear and we got the note and we hear the note.
Can I please see a script You've seen the script! My God! How much more of these people's time do we need to take? Thank you very much.
It's a wonderful note.
And we will address them, and it will be easy.
It's not easy.
You only think it's easy because you've never done it before.
Easy is writing a cartoon about farts.
Well, it wasn't about farts.
But it was called "The Fartlemans"? And they farted a lot.
Yes, that That's true.
Okay, the point is you've never written for primetime.
Uh, I-I-I actually have.
Um, yeah.
I-I-I wrote on the MTV Movie Awards.
The, uh, patters.
Like, the funny banter that the celebrities have, that was me.
You guys are clearly in over your heads and we don't have time for you to figure it out.
So we're gonna bring in a showrunner.
And what does a showrunner do? They run the show.
So then what would we do? Whatever the showrunner says.
You know, I actually think this could be good.
Uh, were we in the same meeting? Sometimes you gotta look at the big picture, okay? We weren't fired.
They're still gonna make the pilot.
They even said this is an important project for them.
This is exciting.
- What? - Larry, they basically just told us we're terrible writers.
What did that lady say about the Curtis scene? - Let me look at the sc - It doesn't matter what she said.
This is the past.
We have to look toward the future.
Larry, let me see the script.
In football, when you throw an interception, they tell you you gotta forget about it and move onto the next play.
Great, I don't care what they say in football.
- Give me the script.
- No! I think we never look at this script again.
Because it's-it's behind us.
We forget about it.
Was it good? Was it bad? - Who cares? - I care, Larry.
Go get Bye! Time to go, okay? Because this is I'm burying it, okay? It's done.
Now, good-bye.
Uh, Rachel, we should take note of this moment.
It's the moment when Larry went fully crazy.
I mean, in a million years, I could not have predicted that that would be their reaction.
The one thing I always thought I'd be so good at is writing sitcoms.
I mean, that was literally all I watched as a kid.
I think I just needed the distraction, you know? 'Cause my mom was in the hospital so much.
Oh, right.
I was such an anxious kid, you know? So it was like seeing these families and their silly problems and everything got solved in 30 minutes? That was like, heaven.
You're not gonna want to hear this but they They did a study that proved that people who watch sitcoms are more depressed after having watched the sitcom than if they had never watched a sitcom at all.
Okay, so then what's your excuse? 'Cause you're the most depressed person I know, and you don't watch sitcoms.
I'm not depressed for no reason.
I'm depressed because evidently, I don't know what's good.
I mean, I obviously don't know what's good in a script.
I don't know how to write.
I don't know how to do any of it.
I don't know why I'm still trying to make it in this business.
Okay, so what would make you happy? No, I'm serious.
Like, like, when you shut your eyes, what do you see? Where are you? (LOIS) Hugh! That's it? You just sit around a bookstore all day reading? No customers.
You don't need to make money, you're just all alone? Yeah, I'm all alone.
That's what would make you happy? Yeah, uh, that and another drink.
- You wanna get another drink? - No, I'm good.
You're gonna think I'm crazy, but maybe Larry's right.
You mean the man who threw himself into a garbage can an hour ago? I'm serious.
We need to look toward the future, you know? Just throw that football down that field and catch it or intercept it or whatever.
What do you say? You with me? I'm with you, Knute Rockne.
(LARRY) So how we feeling this morning? I think I feel very badly about falling apart after the meeting yesterday.
I think I was just used to you falling apart and losing your mind.
And then when that didn't happen, I thought somebody needed to do it or the universe would collapse in on itself.
I'm sorry.
I really am sorry.
- Rachel? - Mmm? Uh, I don't Know what I'm supposed to be sorry about? Uh, but I thought you handled yourself well yesterday.
Thank you.
I accept both of your apologies No, I didn't apologize.
You are forgiven, and it is forgotten.
Should we hug? Let's hug.
- Nah.
- Uhh, no, I don't, uh, want to do that.
So do you know when the new showrunner's starting? I don't know any more than you do.
So what're we supposed to do? Just sit here? (LARRY) I'm gonna get a cup of coffee.
Actually, I'm gonna get myself a cup of hot chocolate because I deserve it.
Let's not just sit here, Let's, um, let's start.
Where's your computer? Uh, I didn't bring mine 'cause I thought he'd bring his.
Well, see if Larry has his.
Let's do something.
I don't want to sit here.
Um, okay Oh, eww, what if there's like, weird porn on it? Larry would not have weird porn.
He would have typical porn.
What's this? It's the script.
No, it's not our script.
(HUGH) What the hell is this? Whoa, whoa, no, no, no, no! - Don't look at this! This is not for you! - What is this? - This is for me! - What is it? What is this? I have a minor confession.
I, um, made some changes to the script before we sent it to CBS.
A few changes? 'Cause it looks like you rewrote the entire thing.
- That script was not good.
- What are you talking about?! To my family.
It was mean, it was hurtful.
And these are real people, and they said you can't do it.
So what am I supposed to do, not change the script and lose my family? That's what you want? You want me to lose my family.
You are such an asshole.
I am not an asshole! (HUGH) Oh, now it makes sense.
They didn't hate our script, they hated your script.
Why didn't you just talk to us? I don't know.
I was scared of what you would say and I was scared of what Jen was saying.
And it was just an impossible situation and I did the best that I could.
It's an impossible situation you put yourself in when you pitched a show based on your actual life.
I didn't think about that.
I just wanted to sell a show.
So correct me if I'm wrong, we now have to write a funny show about your family, but we can't say anything funny about your family? Yes, that is the impossible situation we find ourselves in.
But I think with you two, it's a possible situation.
You guys wanna hug? - No.
- No.
Maybe I, um, should maybe apologize to you guys now.
No! What would you have to apologize to us for? "Tans easily.
" Really? (SIGHS) The best poké you will ever eat.
Oh, and it's the only poké I will ever eat.
Sorry we didn't go to a fancy restaurant, I just I don't drink, you know? So it's kind of a bummer.
No, I don't drink either.
So this is way less of a bummer for me, 'cause it's always such a bummer when I go to a fancy restaurant.
(SIGHS) How was work? Oh, um, today wasn't so great.
But it'll be fine.
I'm sure it'll be great.
You're so funny.
What? Oh, my God.
I feel like I never say anything funny around you, I'm always so nervous.
(SIGHS) Are you nervous now? Oh, my God.
Now I'm like sweating.
(LAUGHING) Very nervous! - Oh, God - What is that? Oh, um, this is my mom's.
She passed away.
My mom passed away when I was 12.
I was 13.
- I'm sorry.
- You too.
- (MAN) 54? - That's us.
- Oh, that was quick.
- It's raw fish.
- Right.
- Right.
- (MURMURS) - (CHUCKLING) Thank you.
Excuse me, Mr.
Gosselaar? Oh, well, that's formal.
- Hi.
Uh, could I have a picture with you? - Sure, absolutely.
- Thank you.
(MARK) Oh, look at you, prepared.
(FAN) Yes.
- There we go.
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
Have a good night.
- You too.
- Sorry about that.
- Oh, God, no.
That's fine.
It's a little weird, but I'm sure my ego can handle one pretty girl asking for your photo.
I'm so sorry.
This is my girl Gemma, she's getting married next week and she is so in love with you.
- Oh - I'm in love with you too.
(WOMAN) We're all in love with you, Mark-Paul.
- Thank you, thank you.
- Can we get a picture? Absolutely, of course.
Congratulations! - Thank you.
- She's not married yet.
Uh-oh Ehh Would your assistant take the picture? - Oh, that's not my assistant.
- What is she? - Well, actually, we're - No, it's fine.
I'll I'll take it.
(WOMEN GIGGLING) Cute phone case.
I have one like it on my bathroom floor.
One, two, three.
(SHUTTER CLICKS) Can you take one more? A sexy one? Sexy one Seemed kind of sexy in that last one.
(SHUTTER CLICKS RAPIDLY) Okay, I took a burst so - Good to go.
- All right.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Good luck.
Go get 'em! Excuse me.
Uh, excuse me, actually, can you, uh, take a photo of us? Oh.
Maybe, uh, maybe we use that as a background.
Would you stand right here? Okay.
Then, uh, yeah.
Here we go.
One two Just another day Just another day Just another day Lost in the city of angels Just another day Just another day Just another day Please tell me you got that.
Oh, hey, look who's home just in time not to put the kids to bed.
Ah, sorry about that.
It was a long day.
But I think, maybe, a good day.
Where's Jen? I told Jennifer that she needed a night off, so she went out with one of her girlfriends.
That was nice.
Thank you.
Mind if I I'll just Sit.
Um, I do wanna let you know that I fixed all the stuff that Jen was so upset about.
And I think it might actually turn out to be pretty great.
You know, a network sitcom is a pretty big deal.
And I still can't believe it, but I'm gonna be starring in it.
And that's That's gonna be some serious income, and I'm gonna finally be able to provide for Jen and the kids in the way that they deserve.
And, um, you know, I definitely appreciate all that you and Mary Ellen have done and continue to do.
And I-I know I don't say that enough.
But, um, thank you.
Very much.
And, you know, we're family.
And we'll always be family.
And, um, I love you.
What do you want me to do now? Put my dick in your mouth? Jesus Christ.
I just don't get it.
I mean, how would it ruin Larry's marriage for him to be the star of a network sitcom? (GRUNTS) Have I just been bitching about Larry all night long? Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Larry's here.
There's his wife, right over there.
She's looking rather sexed up tonight.
Must be date night.
See? Date night! His marriage is fine.
Who's that guy? Not Larry.
Ahh, that explains why she's so sexed up tonight.
She's having an extra marital affair.