Nobodies (2017) s02e02 Episode Script

Swimmin Pools, TV Stars

1 Oh, Sam, don't forget your beach hat.
You're gonna want this beach hat when you're there in Toronto sitting on the, on the white sandy beaches of Toronto.
Oh, come on! Sam, you cannot be mad at me for choosing a job over sitting in a coffee shop in Toronto for three months with Reese Witherspoon's husband.
Oh, my God, you're like a child.
How do you not understand this? I am not mad at you because you took a job.
I am mad because you never wanted to go to Toronto in the first place.
And you didn't have the balls to tell me.
Because I was afraid you were gonna get mad and I was right, because look how mad you got.
Oh, no! (MOCKING) Someone's mad at Hugh.
What are you gonna do? Grow up Hugh.
Here, let me help you with this.
Stay back.
Will you please let me help you, Sam? Ooh, I thought you said you don't like doing things for me.
I'm talking about all the little bullshit errands that you could have your assistant do.
Oh, God! You know what? Say no.
If you don't want to do something, Hugh, say it.
If you don't want to untack the horse, say, "I don't want to untack the horse.
" And if you don't want to go to dinner with Paul, say, "I don't want to go to dinner with Paul.
" And if you don't want to go to Toronto with me, say, "I don't want to go to Toronto with you.
" Just say it.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES) My car is here.
Please just let me know when you've landed, all right? (DOOR OPENS, THEN CLOSES) (CAR DOOR OPENS) (SIGHS) (CAR DOOR CLOSES) (DISTANT DOG BARKING) My God, does he only date models? What are you still doing here? Aren't you guys starting "The Larry Dorf Show" today? Hugh's taking me.
What are you doing today? Just did it.
So schedule's clear.
Oh, my God, is it Monday? Seriously, you don't know what day it is? Barney's pre-sale starts today.
Skip work and come with me.
I wish I could.
Hugh's here.
Buy me something.
Oh, man, I thought you were gonna pick me up in Sam's fancy car.
I shouldn't be driving you at all.
You're a grown woman.
Just for a few days till I get used to the route.
You okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
Was that the guy from "Saved by the Bell"? Yeah.
Mark-Paul Gosselaar.
He lives down the street from Michael and Ethan.
Well, it's a shame you didn't live here a year ago.
Larry could have harassed him into being in "Mr.
First Lady.
" (ENGINE SPUTTERING) Is this the right place? Uh, I don't know.
Hi, is this "Open Dorf Policy"? Larry? Oh, I'm sorry.
I guess 10:12 is the new 10:00 a.
They had us park about 60 miles from here.
They gave me a spot right out front.
Come on in! Wowwy! This is a great office.
Yeah, well, we share the bungalow with "Brooklyn 99.
" (RACHEL) Ooh, so nice.
That looks nice.
Isn't the name of the show "Open Dorf Policy"? Right.
(RACHEL LAUGHS) All right, well, we simply Oh, God.
(RACHEL) What's in here? Oh, uh, yeah, that's my office.
You have your own office? Separate from us? I'm sure they just had to do it.
You know, I'm the executive producer, the star.
But I'll be out here mostly with you little people.
This is only weird if we make it weird.
I got something.
You want to see a fun thing? Hey, Andrea? Andrea is our assistant.
She's here for us whatever we need.
Call me? Uh, we're gonna need you to go grab us some food.
Um, and I'm really not sure what restaurants are around here, but maybe just for today, bring us some assorted sandwiches, some salads.
Uh, soups, things like that.
Maybe a little dessert here and there.
You surprise us.
I don't work for you, man.
I work for "Brooklyn 99.
" Okey-dokey.
So maybe we'll get our own lunch? All right, let's redo now.
And you have your own office.
Um, why don't we figure out who our main characters are? Do we have any markers not of the permanent variety? I'm on it.
Hey, Andrea? Suck my dick.
Oh, maybe Larry could have Andrea's dick for lunch.
Here's one.
Okay, let's do your father-in-law.
What's his name? Curtis.
What is Curtis like? He's anti-Semitic.
That is great.
I mean, it's terrible, obviously.
But who among us is not a little bit anti-Semitic? Your wife, Jen.
Um, she's pretty.
Very pretty.
Although, these days she doesn't really shower that much.
She wears a lot of sweatpants.
"Pretty when tries.
Never tries.
" Up next, we have Ooh, the star of the show! (IMITATES DRUMROLL) Is there still an "Open Dorf Policy" for me, Melissa McCarthy? (LAUGHING) How are you guys? Hello.
Oh, no.
Sit, sit.
Sit down.
I'm not the queen of England.
Although I know her.
She's a great gal.
I have her in my phone contacts.
I put her under "Mum.
" Ha ha ha.
What do you think of our new office? You know, I have to say, I have not seen a room this stank since I did that biopic about prisons with Dame Judi Dench, who's in my phone.
(WHISPERS) It does well.
I put her under "Dame Duty Jench.
" I switched it.
Um Melissa, why are you here? Because I have wonderful news.
You have a director for your pilot.
It's me! (LAUGHING) That's great! Sit down.
Sit down! When I say "sit down," sit down! I said it and now I'm forced to say it again.
You guys, don't make a fuss.
I don't require it.
Have you directed before? No, and I'm a little nervous 'cause I'm not It's not really my thing to be bossy to people.
So we'll see how it goes.
Anti-Semitic, always funny.
Never a point in history when anti-Semitism wasn't funny.
(CLAPS HANDS) It just always works.
(MELISSA LAUGHING) Larry Larry's lonely.
If I may, let me just, just, you know, off the top of my head.
How's that? What do you think here? As long as I'm on TV, I'm willing to be the fool.
All this creating is hard work.
I'm gonna take a little nap.
Uh, just let me know if you need anything.
I'll be in my office.
Oh, actually, Melissa, that's my office.
(DOOR SLAMS) Oh, my God, I have to go.
Ben is lost again on the third floor of our home.
He sounds terribly distraught.
Car! Car! She just calls for a car and one magically appears? She's a magician? She was wearing a cape.
(CHUCKLES, SNORTS) A car just pulled up and she is getting in a car.
Thanks again for driving me.
I'm sure by Friday I can do it on my own.
You seriously expect me to pick you up tomorrow, too? Is this out of your way? Have you never seen a map of Los Angeles? (CELL PHONE CHIMES) (RACHEL) "Landed period.
" Did you guys get in a fight? No.
See you tomorrow.
Sam again? No, it's a ways.
It's gonna be an hour and 49 minutes before I get home to Malibu.
Well, why don't you come inside? Wait till traffic dies down.
It's been forever since you've seen Lois.
It'll be fun.
Come on.
Hello! Huh.
I don't think anyone's home.
That's so weird.
Oh, they went to the movies.
Was this in your old apartment? Yeah, my mom painted it.
I love it.
It's actually one of a pair, but the other one got lost.
How? (SIGHS) I have no idea.
My dad sold the house when she died, and we don't know where tons of stuff is.
I'm sorry.
Well, at least I have this one.
No, I mean, like for all of it.
What do you say we have some wine? Oh, great.
Um, what do you got? Uh, alcohol wine.
(CHUCKLES) Have you had that? It's my favorite.
(CHUCKLES) All I drink.
No, they actually have some really good rosé - in the fridge by the pool.
- Oh.
Can you believe that they have a refrigerator - by their pool? - (SCREAMS) What is he doing here? (MARK-PAUL) Hey! I didn't think anyone was home.
Yeah, you, uh scared me to death.
Oh, God, I'm sorry.
Uh, yeah, Michael and Ethan let me use their pool, - and they use my tennis court.
- Hmm.
You play tennis? Uh, like professionally? No, like would you ever wanna, you know, play tennis? - With me? Like come over and play tennis? - Oh.
Right, no, I Yeah.
I-I'm not athletic.
No, I don't exercise.
I mean, I should exercise.
I'm skinny, but I'm like skinny fat.
So it's like moosh and bones.
It's gross, you'd hate it.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
Mark-Paul Gosselaar just holding the towel so she can stare at your Mark-Paul Gosselaar body some more.
- Is that your boyfriend? - Hmm? Oh, uh, no, that's just Hugh.
We work together.
Hugh, come out here! You're being weird! (LAUGHS) That's goofy.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Uh, Hugh.
- Yeah.
- Good to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
- Um What's your name? Oh, uh, Mark-Paul.
- Mark-Paul? - Mark-Paul, yeah.
Both? Both names, product of the '90s.
- Ah.
- Yeah.
And, and what do you do for a living, Mark-Paul? - I'm an actor.
- Ah, that's great.
Uh, so let me get this straight.
So, this morning, you went for a jog.
Right, and now you're going for a swim? Are you like an exercise addict? Yeah, I have an addictive personality.
- Oh? - Yeah, I used to be addicted to cocaine.
Alcohol and then, uh, then it was sex.
And then religion briefly and then back to cocaine.
And now exercise.
I'm just kidding about the cocaine.
You're going back the second time.
The first time was pretty bad.
Very scary.
(WHISPERS) Very scary.
Um, well, uh, do you want some wine? - We were gonna have a little wine and - Hmm - Uh - I better not.
Don't wanna go down that road.
I don't even I don't like wine myself.
I don't like the taste of it.
Or, you know, that good feeling I get in my body.
I think I'm gonna get going.
Uh, it was very good meeting you.
- Are you sure? - Yeah, yep.
Uh, oh, um good luck (LOWERS VOICE) with your endless supply of problems.
He's adorable.
- Hugh! - Oh, no way! - (GRUNTS) - Hey, Hugh.
I missed you.
We just saw the funniest movie.
- No-no-no - "The First Gentleman.
" It's so funny.
I've already seen it three times.
That's 'cause it's based on an idea your mom and I had.
They just didn't give us credit or the money.
Where's Mommy? She's in the backyard, uh, with, I guess, your neighbor.
Oh, Mark-Paul.
I used to have such a crush on him.
Used to? Eat some bread.
Because I can't with you.
So how was your first day of work? Oh, you know, I think it actually will be a pretty good show.
So no friction with Larry? No, why? I was a little worried when I was doing your deals, and I saw that he was making twice as much as you guys.
Uh twice as much? Wow.
That reminds me of that old sentiment, "life is terrible.
" (SCOFFS) 'Kay.
I gotta get out there before Rachel drinks all my rosé.
After laughter comes tears Ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh After laughter comes tears (PHONE CHIMES) After laughter comes tears Ooh I tried to hold back My tears Ooh I tried to hold back My sorrow Oh This seems pretty good, right? I like it.
Yeah, I think this is a very solid outline.
Should we start scripting? Yeah.
Now I know this isn't the way we've ever done it, but it is the way they do it on real shows.
The writers write the first draft on their own, and then the head writer/executive producer reads it and then takes a pass on his own.
Or her own.
I'm not saying that women cannot be in charge.
It's not at all what I'm saying.
I'm just saying, in this case, you are not in charge.
So, what I'm gonna do is I'm going to get out of here because I actually have a same-day cool-sculpting appointment for this area right here.
Because not only am I in charge, I'm also the star of the show.
Okay? So (WHISPERS) tippy tippy tippy tippy tippy.
I'm gonna sneak out.
You seriously expect us to write this without you? Guys, this is not me coming up with some arbitrary rule.
This is how they do it on real shows.
This is how they do it on "Brooklyn 99.
" - Do you believe that? - (DOOR CLOSES) I just hope he dies on that cool-sculpting table.
If they cool-sculpt on a table.
I don't know how it works.
I'll google it.
Let's see you both in my office, please? No! Okay.
I will come out to you.
(EXHALES) What did you guys do? I loved it.
- Oh! - I mean, it was funny.
It was honest.
It had a little edge to it.
I mean, it was perfect.
- Thank you.
- Great job.
I did have one sort of biggish note.
It's actually on page one.
Uh, "hurried" is spelled wrong.
Well, that's because that word is "harried.
" Yeah, so it's spelled right.
Uh-huh, okay.
Different word than "hurried.
" Oh, well, I have no notes.
(LAUGHS) Okay, great.
So should we e-mail it to the network? Buh-buh-buh-buh Hold on, doll.
- Ew.
- CBS is not expecting this until Monday.
I think we give it to them on Monday.
If we give it to them early, they're gonna think you rushed it.
They're gonna think that it's not good.
See that? That's thinking like an executive producer.
- Ah! That's the kinda decision-making that justifies you being paid twice as much money as us.
What?! Hmm? Well, I'm not saying it was fun writing without Larry.
But I will say it was not terrible writing with just you.
Oh! Thank you.
Is that a compliment? (SIGHS) Yeah.
So What do you got going on this weekend? You and, um, Mark John-Paul Rensselaer.
- (LAUGHS) - Gonna hang out by the pool? You know his name.
And I would never be seen in a bathing suit around him.
(GROANS, SCOFFS) You gotta stop with that.
How do you see yourself? As that sixth-grader no one wants to be with? You're a hot mama.
You get that hot-mama body in a bathing suit.
(LAUGHS) Okay.
What about you? What are you doing this weekend? Not a thing.
It must be hard with Sam gone.
I know when Michael and I were married, he used to travel all the time for work and it put a big strain in our marriage.
Oh, I would have thought him being gay would have done that, - but - (LAUGHS) That also put a strain, a different strain.
But, um if I were Sam, I'd be missing you.
- Mmm - (LAUGHS) Bro take your boner off my car, man.
Move, dude.
- (LAUGHS) Oh, wow.
- Sorry.
My fault.
Um, so I'll see you Monday? Yeah, we will see each other Monday.
You're putting too much peanut butter on that.
I want Mom to make it.
Mommy! No-no-no-no-no.
Let's not bother Mommy.
Mommy's reading Daddy's script for Daddy's new show.
Why didn't you hire a secretary instead of making my daughter proofread your dumb cartoon? Well, considering I haven't written on the cartoon - for over a year - Oh, that's right.
You're a cab driver.
I'm a Lyft driver.
And it's actually a script for that pilot that I'm writing and starring in for CBS.
And I'm very proud of it.
That's why I'm having my wife read it.
Because I know it may be hard for you to believe, but that woman loves me.
You're such an asshole! I mean, you're such an unbelievable asshole! Why? Is this how you see me? "Jen, 40s, could be pretty if she tries, "but she never tries.
She's basically a mess of a woman.
" I call myself an idiot.
Because you are an idiot! Okay, can we just go in there, please, and talk about this in private? Why can't we talk in front of everyone? We're all here! My anti-Semitic father and my creepy mute mother.
'Kay, it is a comedy, all right? It's supposed to be funny.
I don't think it's funny that you tell the whole world that we haven't had sex in a year.
I mean, it's true.
You don't think that could be funny? No, no, this is our life.
And I'm trying to make our lives better.
That's why I'm doing this.
I'm doing it for you, for our family.
A family that you seem to hate.
You're not making this.
I don't really think you're an anti-Semite, Curtis.
Then you're even a dumber Jew than I thought.
Tennis, anyone? (CHUCKLES) Just kidding.
I-I don't really even know how to play tennis.
I'm not dressed for tennis.
I don't even know like what you should wear shorts.
I just have jeans.
But I'm super embarrassed right now.
I don't even really know why I'm here.
So I'm actually just gonna go.
Wow, you go from zero to nuts fast.
- Don't ever do coke.
- No.
Do you wanna come in? - Yeah.
- Okay.
(MARK-PAUL CHUCKLES) I truly hope you find this the act of a romantic person and not an insane person.
'Cause I've been on a plane all night and I feel kind of insane.
Like maybe this could be a dream.
Uh, 'cause you look like an angel, I mean, even more than you normally look like an angel.
I miss you, you jerk.
(SOFT MOANING) Select all.
Um "In the living room, we meet Larry.
"Above-average looks.
The kind of person people want to be.