Northern Exposure s02e03 Episode Script
All is Vanity
# Too many times | You know what you are You are a moron.
| You're a stupid moron! The Labrador retriever | was bred for water.
You ever look at his paws? | He's got webbed paws.
You stand up and tell me | a German shorthair can swim as good as a Labrador retriever.
- Come on! Stand up! | - It's a shame? Anybody else in this establishment got an opinion they wanna | express on this matter? Anybody else in here think | that a Labrador retriever is not the best hunting dog in the world? - Any of you? | - # Feel the same - I'll have another beer.
| - I think you've had enough to drink.
- What? | - You heard me.
- I said I want another beer.
| - Shelly, bring this man his coat.
Shelly.
Nobody throws me out of a bar.
Leave now and I won't have to.
# As you said in | the words of your song Too damn hot in here anyway.
# Too many times married men # Think they're still single # That has caused me # A good girl to go wrong God! That was neat.
It gave me goose pimples.
Honest, Holling.
I almost started to cry.
Oh, it was just so Neat.
It was good for me too, | Shelly.
You know what really turned me on? I mean, what really did it? You weren't scared at all.
- It was just so unbelievably cool.
| - Scared? This big wacko all P.
O.
'd and everything, | and you just stood right up to him.
Oh, that.
Once, at a homecoming game Bobby Travis mooned | me in the parking lot and Wayne ran after him | and punched him in the mouth.
But Bobby was this little geek.
Besides, his pants were down so it wasn't like Wayne was | any big hero or anything.
But you | That guy had a hunting knife.
He could have killed you.
| I just did what anybody would do.
No way! You see stuff like that in the movies, | not in person.
And to think I'm the lucky girl | that gets to go home with you.
What? What? - Your thing.
| - What about it? - It looks funny.
| - Funny? It's not like Wayne's or Tommy's | or Billy's.
It's got | that little turtleneck thing.
You mean the foreskin.
How come you weren't, | you know, clipped? Well, I don't know.
| They didn't do that when I was born.
Shelly, this never | bothered you before.
It doesn't bother me.
| I got the munchies.
Do we have any more | of those Pudding Snacks left? How about those double-fudge bars? I'm going downstairs.
You want me to bring | you up a pickled egg? Careful.
I think | there's some ice over here.
- You could offer to help.
| - You? Our own Calamity Jane, | torch bearer of the pioneer spirit? I wouldn't presume to insult you.
| Why were you born, Fleischman? A mosquito has more utilitarian value.
- A slug, a tapeworm.
| - Bye, O'Connell.
Well, they had the marinara sauce | and the sun-dried tomatoes but they were out of | shiitake mushrooms.
Leonard Keck is gonna have a fit.
He wanted to make moo shu | chicken for the Sunday potluck.
Oh, I've got a letter for you.
Here it is.
It's from my dad.
| Dorothy Bauer said she was so sorry but she picked it up by mistake | with her mail last month.
She just got back today.
I hope it's nothing urgent.
He's fishing for | king salmon up in Cordova.
Cordova? He ought to | drop by here for a visit.
- He is.
| - Too bad that Rick isn't here.
I'm sure your dad would | like to meet your beau.
Oh, God.
I have a roll-away bed | that you can borrow.
Oh, God! - Morning, Joel.
| - Hi, Holling.
What can I do for you? - Well, let me see.
| - My neck was a little stiff last week.
And, once in a while, | I get a tic right here, under my eye.
Yeah? I'm thinkin' about gettin' circumcised.
And every now and again, | my knee pops out.
- What? | - My knee pops.
- No.
No, before that.
- I'm thinkin' about | gettin' circumcised.
Circumcised? As in circumcised? | Why on earth would you wanna do that? Well, for one thing | I hear it's more hygienic.
Yeah.
It's a very | controversial issue, Holling.
And for another thing, | I hear it's also more, in style.
In style? What, like pleated pants? | Like an earring? Aren't most men | of your generation circumcised? I don't know.
Maybe.
| It depends where you're from.
- Are you? | - Yes, but that's irrelevant.
I'm Jewish.
It's in the contract.
| I see.
I was eight days old, Holling.
| A baby.
I had no choice in the matter.
| My father held me, my mother wept.
You can't compare that | to a 63-year-old man who's opting to have his foreskin removed because he | thinks it's in style.
- You're against my doing it.
| - Absolutely.
There is no medical reason | for you to be circumcised.
I am personally opposed | to unnecessary surgical procedures.
I see.
Let me add one piece | of pertinent information.
We are talking about a very | sensitive part of the anatomy.
- Yeah.
| - You need stitches Stitches, Holling | down there.
So? Under the circumstances, | it might not be such a good idea.
Yeah.
Wise decision.
Well, thank you, Joel.
- Who's next, Marilyn? | - Number nine.
Number nine.
- Well, I'm 10.
| - What happened to nine? Where's nine? Sir? Hello, number nine? Excuse me.
Hello? Is this the first one you've lost? I didn't lose him.
| I never touched him.
He was waiting to see me.
| He was sitting in a chair.
You know, death's a funny thing.
It always blindsides you.
It always sneaks up on you | when you're not looking.
The man liked good boots.
- Do you recognize him? | - No.
Never seen him before.
- You don't know your own patients? | - He wasn't my patient yet.
And I have an assistant here who | thinks it's unnecessary to take names.
She'd rather run my | office like a delicatessen.
He's number nine.
- Have any I.
D.
On him? | - I don't know.
Well, better check.
| You take that side.
No way, Maurice.
I'm not going | through his pockets.
He's not gonna bite you, son.
Marilyn, you better log this.
One package of Juicy Fruit gum, | three pieces remaining.
- Juicy Fruit, three sticks.
| - Right.
- One nail clipper.
| - Nail clipper.
What's this? | Hey.
Hey.
Hey! - What is it? | - Somethin's got me! - I had you goin' there, didn't I? | - Just see if he has some I.
D.
"Pick up shirt Monday.
" - Does he have a wallet? | - No, that's it.
- We do know one thing.
| - What's that? - Not wearing a wedding ring.
| - Great.
Terrific.
- Who are we supposed | to call about this? - Call? - Yeah, who's the coroner around here? | - Coroner? - Son, where do you think you are? | - I'm sorry.
I must have lost my head.
Of course there's no coroner.
I don't suppose you have | an undertaker either.
- Milt.
| - Milt? Milt Wyman? | He's a taxidermist.
Well, that makes him | eminently qualified, I'd say.
- Margaret! | - Dad! Be back in three days,? | Hey.
- Peanut! How are ya? | - I'm good.
You got the hat.
| Oh, yeah, and the mittens.
Good.
Looks good.
Geez, you are in the boonies.
| Yeah.
But you know what? I thought I'd fly you over to Kalichuk.
| We could do some ice fishing.
Enough fishing.
| I've been stuck in a boat for a week listening to this guy bellyache | 'cause his board won't go a buyout.
How about the Nogiak Glacier? | It's spectacular.
I told him to resign.
| That's what I did over the Pinto flap.
Dad.
Margaret, I wanna see where you live.
And I wanna meet your boyfriend.
| Well, see, that's it.
He's not here.
| Where'd he go? He's in Anchorage.
You're not hiding him from me, are you? No, I'm not hiding him from you.
| Why would you think a thing like that? We both know how I felt about | your boyfriends in the past.
Like that loser Bruce and his book, | Mountain of My Misgivings? I tried to read that thing.
| I know, Dad.
You know, | I'd love to meet Minnifield.
Did I tell you I saw | him in Detroit in '65 when they gave him that parade? Yeah, but you know Maurice.
He's got that radio | station, the newspaper.
He's a busy man.
| It's too bad about your boyfriend.
Yeah, | well When you wrote and told me who | you were goin' out with, I thought "Thank God this one's not a flake.
" Come on, now.
Don't get all worked up.
| You know what I mean.
I was looking forward | to meeting your Dr.
Joel.
- Shelly, what kind of eggs are these? | - Scrambled.
You know, | they taste kind of like shrimp.
That's funny.
- Do you have some cocktail sauce? | - Sure.
- Holling, where have you been? | - Dave never showed up.
I had to do breakfast all by myself.
| Oh, God, it's been crazy.
Somebody stuck a donut in | the toaster and gunked it all up.
I went to see Joel.
Everybody ordered pancakes, | and we only have two bottles of syrup.
I'm sorry, honey.
You went to see | Dr.
Fleischman? Is your neck acting weird again? I went about that problem we discussed.
What problem? About you preferring | crewnecks to, turtlenecks.
You know, about my | not being circumcised.
That's not a problem.
Well, in case it was, | I was gonna get it done.
You went to see Dr.
Fleischman | about getting it snipped? Well, yes, but You did? For me? | Yes.
But Joel said Oh, Holling! Nobody's ever done something | like this for me before.
I mean, Wayne had a heart | with an "S" tattooed on his arm.
- But this This is so | - Honey so incredibly macho That you | would actually do that for me.
Oh, Holling, I love you.
I love you, I love you, I love you.
This your idea of a morgue? Take people out, put | them on a picnic table? Well, we used to put 'em | in Holling's freezer.
Either that or burn 'em.
| Depends on the wishes of the family.
So why aren't we putting him | in Holling's freezer? It's full, son.
This is a hell | of a huntin' season this year.
You're tellin' me | Up you go! So what? You mean we can't | displace a couple caribou? Well, son, out here, food takes | precedence over human remains.
What are you gripin' about anyway? It's a brisk ought-seven out here.
The only thing we have to | worry about is gettin' sentries.
Sentries? You mean guards? | The man's dead, Maurice.
- Where's he gonna go? | - I'm talkin' about wolves, son.
- Wolves? | - Yeah, wolves.
When Jack Cutler died, | we forgot about him.
One night the wolves came, | took old Jack away.
All we found was his shoes.
| Hi, Dr.
Fleischman.
Hi.
Ed.
| I heard you lost a patient.
I didn't lose him.
| I don't even know who he is.
Looks like a man I met from Sleetmute.
- Yeah? | - But it isn't.
Eight hundred and fifty | people in this town nobody knows who this man is.
I'll tell you what.
I'll get my ink pad and | take his fingerprints.
Maybe the state police | have some record of him.
He looks like | a fugitive from justice.
- He does? | - Oh, yeah.
- Ed.
| - Yes? We're gonna have to guard this man.
I want you to take | the first shift tonight.
Yes, sir, Maurice.
Coffee, Holling.
Scalding hot coffee, please.
Why is seven degrees in Alaska colder | than seven degrees anywhere else? Joel, I've changed my mind.
Good.
A mind that can | change is a healthy mind.
Intelligence is actually determined | by the ability to adapt to new stimuli.
I've decided to go through with it.
You don't mean Holling, we talked about this.
You made an informed, | intelligent decision.
What could have possibly | changed your mind? Hi, Dr.
Fleischman.
Can you believe the Big H.
? How many guys would | get their Johnny peeled just to show his babe | how much he cared? - Not many.
- When do we get to | look at the pictures? What pictures? You know, for me and Holling, | to make an informed choice.
When my friend Pam | got her nose busted the doctor showed her pictures | of all the different styles.
Long and straight, | short and turned up.
Shelly, circumcision | is not like rhinoplasty.
Whatever then.
I'm gonna talk to the agency.
| You guys are respected.
You understand the importance | of good engineering.
Yeager wasn't even an astronaut, | but he's on TV selling spark plugs.
I've got nothing against shilling | for Detroit, Frank but you gotta give me | something worth selling.
As far as I'm concerned, there hasn't | been a decently designed automobile since the Toronado.
Hey, O'Connell! - I have to ask you a question.
| - Maurice, come on.
Dad, come on.
Why don't we go to my place? | G.
M.
, Chrysler We all got good-looking cars.
| What about the Thunderbird? Come on, Frank.
The Thunderbird's nothin' but | a Beemer with a Yank decal.
O'Connell, hey! Hey! | Whoa! Watch it! Come on, Dad.
| What's the rush? - O'Connell! | - Hey, someone's calling you.
No, I don't think so.
That's Fleischman.
Frank, | it's nice meetin' you.
I just have to ask you a question.
! | Keep in touch.
- Fleischman? | - Are you deaf? You fly in a guy six feet, chews Juicy | Fruit, good boots? Darling! O'Connell.
| You're back! Why didn't you | tell me you were back? Back? Well, what kind of boyfriend are you? You wouldn't think we had a close, | caring relationship that we'd been intimately involved | for the past six months.
What kind of impression | does that make on my dad? My dad, who's come all this way to meet you, my | boyfriend, the doctor who I've written so many | wonderful letters about.
Nice to meet you, Joel.
| Hi.
I know you have to | get back to the office sweetheart, but hopefully we'll | have a chance to get together.
If not, I'm sure Dad will understand | how busy you are.
Margaret, you're not fooling me.
| What? I see what's going on here.
| You do? You're trying to keep | me away from Joel.
She's afraid I'm gonna scare you off.
Don't worry, Peanut.
| I'm gonna be on my best behavior.
Peanut? Come on.
Let me buy you a drink.
You've been listening to the adagio | from Beethoven's Seventh Symphony.
I think Ludwig pretty much | summed up death in this one.
You know, he'd just about lost | all his hearing when he wrote it and I've often | wondered if that didn't help him to tune into | the final silence of the great beyond.
Apropos of all that, before I forget I've got a couple of | scheduling changes for those that are looking after | the body of the unknown person.
Doreen Mayfair is | nursing a sick malamute and can't make her 7:00 p.
M.
Shift.
Hey, Ruth-Anne, you wanted me | to let you know that you're up at 6:00.
On a happier note, congratulations | and I'chaim to Holling Vincoeur.
He's getting circumcised the day after | tomorrow by our own Dr.
Fleischman.
Anybody who's not familiar | with the practice circumcision is the surgical removal | of the foreskin of the penis.
Anyway, Holling, if you're listening, | I don't know if you have plans for the disposal of that foreskin, | but you might wanna consider the Hasidic custom of burying it | under a fruit tree.
You know, a little nod | to life's cyclic nature.
Anyway, brother, | I'm gonna spin this one for you.
You know, Joel, | Margaret used to be so finicky.
She wouldn't step foot in a place | that didn't have linen on the table.
- Mr.
O'Connell | - Frank.
Frank Would you excuse us | for one second? Don't be gone long, now.
| I'm hungry.
Okay, O'Connell.
| All right.
I just happened to mention | in a few letters to my father that my boyfriend was a doctor.
You just happened to mention | You just happened to mention that your boyfriend was a doctor? Keep your voice down.
You mean me? | Me? The person you describe | as manipulative self-centered, subhuman? The person who, just a few hours ago, | you compared unfavorably to a tapeworm? Will you please keep it down? | Why? Why would you do such a twisted, | perverted thing? I don't now, Fleischman.
| Perhaps it was an error in judgment.
An error in judgment? | It's a complete fabrication, a lie.
Why didn't you just happen to | mention the stalwart Rick? Look, my father is this incredible | A- Type achievement junkie, okay? He wouldn't consider Rick | worthy of his little girl.
What are you, the House of Windsor? | The Romanovs? Rick's not good enough for you? | Not me.
My dad.
You don't know him.
He was the youngest C.
E.
O.
| in automotive history.
Remember the hatchback? | That's my dad.
Who cares if he's the V-8? Tough, can-do, | "I am woman" Maggie O'Connell lies to her father | like a six-year-old.
I wouldn't expect you to understand, | Fleischman.
You probably don't have parents.
| You probably, you know crawled out full grown | out of some primordial swamp.
Why didn't you think of somebody else? I don't know.
You just | popped into my head.
I never thought you'd have to meet him.
Come on, Fleischman.
| just five minutes, okay? just a drink.
| Help me out.
Please? What? | Where'd you get that dumb hat? Okay, fine, Fleischman.
| Forget it.
Just forget it.
Hi, Dad.
Okay, All right.
- What's good here? | - Nothing.
Not a thing, really.
Where's Joel? What's going on? Well, actually, Dad, he | Hi.
I was just about to | tell Dad that you really do have to get | back to the office.
If that's the case, why don't you | just come over for dinner tonight? - Oh, he can't.
| - I can't? - No, he's got an | emergency in Anchorage.
- No, I don't.
- Yes, you do.
| - No, I don't.
- Yes, you do.
| - How does 8:00 sound? Fine.
Keep it moving, please.
| Hi, Ed.
Hello, Mrs.
Staffle.
| Keep it moving, please.
Give everyone a chance.
Anybody recognize him? | Not yet, Maurice.
Hell of a turnout.
I guess tragedy brings | a town together.
Hello, George.
| Hi, Ed.
Hi, Agnes.
| Look at his hands.
It looks like he's worked hard | all his life.
Yeah.
| He can't be more than 60.
Keep it moving, please.
I think it would've made him happy, | Ruth-Anne to have somebody | like you mourn him.
It's all such a mystery.
Don't you worry, Ruth-Anne.
We'll find out who he is.
Oh, it's not the man, Ed.
| It's life.
No matter how hard I try, | I just can't figure it out.
See you, Chris.
Keep it moving, please.
Hello, Gladys.
When Margaret was | five, she was second runner-up in the | Little Miss Great Lakes.
Really? A lot of our friends used to say, | "Why do you push a kid into that for?" But it was all her idea.
| She begged us to be in that pageant.
You never told me this, honey.
| Well - What was that song you sang? | - Oh, I-I don't remember, Dad.
The one that Andy Williams's wife sang.
| The woman that shot the skier.
Claudine Longet.
"Love is Blue" | That's right.
Margaret had a beautiful voice.
| And what a little ham.
Peanut, where's the scotch? Scotch.
Right.
I have to believe that Alaska | is just some kind of phase.
I used to take her camping when | she was a kid, and she hated it.
Every little bump in the night, | it was, "Daddy, I'm scared.
- Daddy, what was that? " | - Me too.
Excuse me.
| Well, these things happen.
- You look so pretty in that dress.
| - She does, doesn't she? You know, you ought to wear | a dress more often.
Let people see | this dynamite figure of yours.
Why should I be the only lucky one? Well, dinner's ready.
Good.
| Yeah.
Steak and creamed corn.
| That's my girl.
Maggie's a wonder.
| With all she does, it's incredible.
She insists on making us | a good, hot meal every night.
I can't tell you what a comfort that is when I drag my tired | dogs home from the office.
How long you two | been living together? Who? Oh, us? I saw the aftershave in the bathroom.
| Don't worry.
I'm not a prude.
Margaret's mother | Now, that's another matter.
She's a lace-curtain Bostonian.
Now, if she finds out, | she'll call the pope.
- The steak is great.
| - What? - You're smoking? | - So? It's just | that I mean I've never seen you smoke.
| So? You into any sports up here, Joel? Sports? Me? | Yeah.
What do you play? Well, in the winter, it's luge.
- Luge? | - Yeah.
I'm into luge.
Isn't that some kind of sled? Yeah, but that's, uh | That's in the winter.
In the summer, I'm | I'm really into bungee jumping.
- What? | - Bungee jumping.
You tie an elastic | cord around your ankle and then you jump off a bridge.
You see, Frank, I have grown really, | really tired of contact sports.
I mean, sure, you can break an ankle you can tear up a | knee, but can you die? Can you die? Where is the fun in | it all if defeat is nothing more than six | months in traction? - Have you two discussed the future? | - Dad, enough questions.
I think Joel must be exhausted | from talking so much.
No, your father's right.
| He has every right to be paternal.
I'm sure you wanna know | if my intentions are honorable.
Well? | Well Margaret and I have had very serious | discussions about her conversion.
Conversion? To what? - You didn't tell him? | - Tell me what? I'm Jewish.
The patient is a 63-year-old | male Caucasian Holling Vincoeur.
Mr.
Vincoeur enjoys | swimming, photography and fresh seafood.
Today, I'm going to be operating | on Mr.
Vincoeur's Johnny giving it a more youthful | and vigorous appearance.
So, without further ado, | here's Johnny.
! Scalpel.
Oh, no.
! - Can you fix it? | - No! When are you going in | for your circumcision, Holling? Tomorrow.
Break a leg.
Holling? Yes, Shelly? | Did you put this on the table? Yes.
| Look.
It's all smudged.
Your hand's shaking.
| Well, it's a bit-bit chilly in here.
Put on a sweater, babe.
You know, Marilyn, you | can tell a lot about a person by the | contents of his pockets.
juicy Fruit, for example.
| What does that suggest to you? He liked gum.
| Precisely.
Also indicates the man | had no fear of sugar.
If it were me, it would have | been Carefree, maybe Extra.
- I like Dentyne.
| - Yeah, you see? These clippers | This is a fastidious man.
He cared about his grooming.
Ah.
But here Now, here is a clue with resonance.
"Pick up shirt Monday"? | Right.
If we knew where that shirt was, | we could figure out who he is.
Where do you leave a shirt? | A dry cleaner, right? We don't have a dry cleaner.
| Exactly.
So we can eliminate that possibility.
| Now, how about a tailor? Maybe he needed to get | a button sewn on.
We don't have a tailor.
| Okay.
Okay, just stay with me.
Maybe we're onto something.
| Suppose Suppose he had a lady friend | who did his laundry for him.
I'm goin' to lunch.
I wanna thank you for the stellar | performance last night.
- I was good, wasn't I? | - You were despicable.
You sunk to depths that | I didn't even know existed.
That you could treat | my father like that You were sadistic, malicious.
You should be on your | knees thanking me.
You needed the perfect boyfriend, | I gave you the perfect boyfriend.
Everything your dad | could want for his little Peanut.
You enjoyed it, | like some cheap con man.
I didn't weave | this web of deceit.
I wasn't the one who told your | father I was your intended.
I never said "intended" | I said "boyfriend" - "Boyfriend.
" | - Pardon me.
I stand corrected.
And what I did was different | completely different.
Yeah, it was worse.
| What a P.
R.
Job.
That dress, the creamed corn.
And that cigarette It was disgusting, O'Connell.
| My clothes still smell.
What is wrong with letting him | think what he wants to think? What's the harm in that? There's no harm.
It's just that | he thinks his daughter is Barbie.
So what? So what if he does? | He lives 4,000 miles away.
That's your rationale? | That makes it all right? Look, I just didn't want him to worry.
Worry about what? | Me.
How long are you gonna keep this up? | I don't know.
Am I gonna have to go home | with you for Christmas? God, no.
I'll think of something.
Dr.
Kolatch from Juneau | on line one.
We only have one line.
Hello.
This is Dr.
Fleischman.
Okay.
Everybody, please listen.
I've just spoken to | the medical examiner in Juneau about an autopsy and he agreed, I | think, quite graciously to take the body off our hands.
- What? What did I say? | - He's ours.
He belongs to us.
- What are you talking about? | - He's got a kind face.
A kind face? You said he looks like | a fugitive from justice.
Well, he's worked hard all his life.
Wait a minute.
What difference does any of this make? We've been sitting out | with him for two days.
We've gotten to know him.
And we're not going to ship him off | somewhere where nobody cares.
That's right! Listen, I think what | we're all trying to say is we feel a kind of | connection to this man.
I mean, we don't know him, | but in a way we do.
I mean, it's like a still pond.
| You know, we see our own reflection.
Well, however you wanna put it, | this man deserves a decent funeral.
Now, our winter climate | precludes burial Wait Wait a minute.
| You can't do anything with that body | until I sign a death certificate.
I can't sign a death certificate | until I know what he died of.
I won't know what he died of | until somebody does an autopsy.
- Then why don't you do an autopsy? | - Because I am I am not qualified.
Oh, don't underestimate | yourself, son.
No, I am not a pathologist.
Then you're going to | have to think of something.
But you're not | going to send him to Juneau.
- Right.
Right.
| - That's right! Okay, okay, okay! Okay.
Now, I guess they don't | actually need the whole body.
Can I at least send a few vital organs? - Will they send 'em back? | - I suppose so.
I can ask.
All right.
Good.
The funeral for the | unknown personal take place as soon as practically possible after the return of | the said vital organs.
You'll prepare a few words? Good.
This meeting's adjourned.
Joel.
! Joel.
! Joel.
! Joel? Whoa-ho.
! Joel.
! Holling, it's 2:00 in the morning.
| What are you doing here? I'm just out for a little stroll and I wanted to make sure | that you're okay.
Okay, yeah.
Yeah, I'm okay.
| Joel I don't want you | to worry about tomorrow.
All right.
| Of course, it is a big responsibility.
But I am here to tell you that everything | is going to be just fine.
- Holling, are you stewed? | - You know, me and Johnny we've been through | thick and thin together.
All those hunting trips just me and Johnny and | and the full moon.
Johnny who? He's not afraid of some | little old pair of clippers.
As for me, when I got mauled | by Jesse the bear I had to get 133 stitches.
I was sewed up by an Indian woman | who had me bite the edge of a table.
She said I had a very high | threshold of pain.
Look, Holling, you are not | going to need 133 stitches and I'm gonna give you | an anesthetic.
Joel, I know you're gonna | take good care of me.
You're a fine doctor an excellent physician.
May I see your hands? Your hands.
Yes.
| You have good hands.
Small, but good.
Holling, you don't have to | go through with this.
If you have any concerns, | bail out.
Joel, I told you.
Don't worry.
You're going to be just fine.
Try to get a good night's sleep.
What is your story, anyway? Why isn't anybody looking for you? You got no family no friends.
Well, I'm alone myself.
I had a brother, Malcolm.
He died last year.
He owed me $8,000.
Eight thousand dollars | that I have no way of collecting.
I guess you'd think that $8,000 wouldn't mean too much | to a man with my portfolio but it's the principle of the thing.
A man should not leave this earth | with unfinished business.
He should live each day | as if it was a preflight check.
He should ask each morning, | "Am I prepared for liftoff?" Am I prepared? They're here.
| Come on in.
Shelly, there's some rags | over there in the corner.
You want to start | tearing 'em up into bandages? Just kidding.
| We're a full-service facility.
Holling, you can drop your drawers | and hop up on the table here.
Aren't you gonna give him | some gas or something? I don't think it's necessary.
| Do you, Holling? - Not if you don't, Joel.
| - Well, then, shall we? Isn't this gonna hurt? Well, Holling has a | pretty high pain threshold.
I'm sure you're familiar with | the story of Jesse the bear.
Good.
Take your pants off.
Wait a minute.
| This is all happening so fast.
Shelly, I have a room full | of patients out there.
If we're gonna do it, let's do it.
- Well | - Whoa! What is this? What is what? | This Here on your neck.
Oh, that's nothing, Joel.
Holling, he's a doctor.
| It's a hickey.
I guess I got a little carried away.
What? | Well, when did he get this? - Night before last.
| - It still hasn't healed? What? - He could have a bleeding diathesis.
| - A bleeding what? When your blood doesn't clot | as fast as it should.
You know, the penis | is an extremely vascular area.
If you do have a bleeding problem, | this could be very serious.
Oh, boy.
I don't I can't perform this surgery.
What? | I'm sure I'll be all right, Joel.
If this were a | life-threatening condition that required | surgical intervention I'd go ahead and do it.
But this is elective cosmetic surgery.
| I can't do it.
I can't.
| I cannot put you at risk.
I know how much you want this, Holling.
| I feel terrible.
You come to me with a simple request | one simple little request.
What do I do? I fail you.
You know how that makes me feel? | Impotent, like a failure.
Well In medical school, they try | to prepare you for this.
They do.
They tell you | there'll be tough decisions times when you have to hold someone's fate in your hand, | times when you are forced to play God.
But nothing really prepares you | for times like this.
Nothing.
Can you ever forgive me? | Can you? Well, uh Oh, Holling, I know you're | really bummed out about this.
But it's like my grandma always says: "It's not the gift that counts.
| It's the thought.
" And to tell you the truth, | I like your little turtleneck.
You do? | Mm-hmm.
Really? | I think it's bitchin'.
Joel Joel, all is forgiven.
Margaret, have you seen my razor? Oh, I think I packed it.
You're packing my bag? Well, Dad, I don't want | you to miss your plane.
Margaret, we've got three hours.
I know, but-but this | is the time of year the avalanches I Why do I get the feeling | you're trying to get rid of me? Don't be silly.
Margaret, if this has anything to do | with me and Joel I want you to know I like him.
You do? | Yes.
Dad, you don't think he's | a little full of himself? I forgive that in a young man.
| And condescending? That too.
| I like him.
I really like him.
Dad, my boyfriend's name is Rick.
| He's a bush pilot.
He's not particularly smart.
He's never been to college.
| He has no plans or goals.
You'd hate him.
- What? | - Well, I lied about Joel, Dad because I figured he | was the kind of guy you'd want me to go out with.
- The other night was a sham.
| - Why? Why? Because all my life I've gotten nothing but grief from | you over the guys I went out with.
- They were never good enough.
| - Well, they weren't.
- See? | - See what? Dad, you have this image of me in white gloves and | patent leather shoes Daddy's little girl.
That's not me.
| No, it's not your fault.
It's mine.
I played into it.
| I let you think what you wanna think.
This is who I am.
I live in Alaska.
I fly a plane.
| My boyfriend's name is Rick.
I don't cook, | and I hardly ever wear a dress.
- Dad, what I'm trying to say is | - I know what you're trying to say.
I'm not a fool, Margaret.
I promised your mother I'd pick up | a pair of those fleece-lined moccasins.
So let me get this off my face and we'll stop at that | little store in town.
And 18,19 and 20.
| Thank you.
I'm sure your wife will love these.
Ruth-Anne, you | get in those cotton swabs? They're in the back room, Joel.
| Hello, Joel.
Frank.
| I'm leaving now.
Back home.
Oh, well, you have a good trip.
| It's been a pleasure.
Maybe one of these days Maggie and I'll get | down to Grosse Pointe.
It's funny.
You always think | your kids'll reach an age when you'll stop worrying | about them, but they never do.
Makes me feel better | knowing that Maggie has someone up | here she can count on.
Bungee jumping? The fact that we don't know this man | isn't important really 'cause his experience | is our experience and his fate up here is our fate.
Says the preacher.
"All is vanity.
'" I think that's a pretty good epitaph | for all of us.
When we're stripped | of all our worldly possessions and all our fame | and family, friends we all face death alone.
But it's that solitude in death | that's our common bond in life.
I know it's ironic, | but that's just the way things are.
"Only when we understand | all is vanity, only then it isn't.
" Sometimes I have trouble | following his train of thought.
Anybody like to say anything else? Maggie.
I would.
| I'd like to read a poem.
"Let me not to the marriage | of true minds admit impediments.
"Love is not love which alters | when it alteration finds "or bends with the remover | to remove.
"Oh, no.
| It is an ever-fixed mark "that looks on tempests | and is never shaken.
"It is the star for every | wandering bark "whose worth's unknown, | although his height be taken.
"Love's not Time's fool, | though rosy lips and cheeks "within his bending sickle's | compass come.
"Love alters not with | its brief hours and weeks "but bears it out | even to the edge of doom.
"If this be error | and upon me proved I never writ, | nor no man ever loved.
" Boy, she sure can write.
You okay? Ashes to ashes and dust to dust.
| You're a stupid moron! The Labrador retriever | was bred for water.
You ever look at his paws? | He's got webbed paws.
You stand up and tell me | a German shorthair can swim as good as a Labrador retriever.
- Come on! Stand up! | - It's a shame? Anybody else in this establishment got an opinion they wanna | express on this matter? Anybody else in here think | that a Labrador retriever is not the best hunting dog in the world? - Any of you? | - # Feel the same - I'll have another beer.
| - I think you've had enough to drink.
- What? | - You heard me.
- I said I want another beer.
| - Shelly, bring this man his coat.
Shelly.
Nobody throws me out of a bar.
Leave now and I won't have to.
# As you said in | the words of your song Too damn hot in here anyway.
# Too many times married men # Think they're still single # That has caused me # A good girl to go wrong God! That was neat.
It gave me goose pimples.
Honest, Holling.
I almost started to cry.
Oh, it was just so Neat.
It was good for me too, | Shelly.
You know what really turned me on? I mean, what really did it? You weren't scared at all.
- It was just so unbelievably cool.
| - Scared? This big wacko all P.
O.
'd and everything, | and you just stood right up to him.
Oh, that.
Once, at a homecoming game Bobby Travis mooned | me in the parking lot and Wayne ran after him | and punched him in the mouth.
But Bobby was this little geek.
Besides, his pants were down so it wasn't like Wayne was | any big hero or anything.
But you | That guy had a hunting knife.
He could have killed you.
| I just did what anybody would do.
No way! You see stuff like that in the movies, | not in person.
And to think I'm the lucky girl | that gets to go home with you.
What? What? - Your thing.
| - What about it? - It looks funny.
| - Funny? It's not like Wayne's or Tommy's | or Billy's.
It's got | that little turtleneck thing.
You mean the foreskin.
How come you weren't, | you know, clipped? Well, I don't know.
| They didn't do that when I was born.
Shelly, this never | bothered you before.
It doesn't bother me.
| I got the munchies.
Do we have any more | of those Pudding Snacks left? How about those double-fudge bars? I'm going downstairs.
You want me to bring | you up a pickled egg? Careful.
I think | there's some ice over here.
- You could offer to help.
| - You? Our own Calamity Jane, | torch bearer of the pioneer spirit? I wouldn't presume to insult you.
| Why were you born, Fleischman? A mosquito has more utilitarian value.
- A slug, a tapeworm.
| - Bye, O'Connell.
Well, they had the marinara sauce | and the sun-dried tomatoes but they were out of | shiitake mushrooms.
Leonard Keck is gonna have a fit.
He wanted to make moo shu | chicken for the Sunday potluck.
Oh, I've got a letter for you.
Here it is.
It's from my dad.
| Dorothy Bauer said she was so sorry but she picked it up by mistake | with her mail last month.
She just got back today.
I hope it's nothing urgent.
He's fishing for | king salmon up in Cordova.
Cordova? He ought to | drop by here for a visit.
- He is.
| - Too bad that Rick isn't here.
I'm sure your dad would | like to meet your beau.
Oh, God.
I have a roll-away bed | that you can borrow.
Oh, God! - Morning, Joel.
| - Hi, Holling.
What can I do for you? - Well, let me see.
| - My neck was a little stiff last week.
And, once in a while, | I get a tic right here, under my eye.
Yeah? I'm thinkin' about gettin' circumcised.
And every now and again, | my knee pops out.
- What? | - My knee pops.
- No.
No, before that.
- I'm thinkin' about | gettin' circumcised.
Circumcised? As in circumcised? | Why on earth would you wanna do that? Well, for one thing | I hear it's more hygienic.
Yeah.
It's a very | controversial issue, Holling.
And for another thing, | I hear it's also more, in style.
In style? What, like pleated pants? | Like an earring? Aren't most men | of your generation circumcised? I don't know.
Maybe.
| It depends where you're from.
- Are you? | - Yes, but that's irrelevant.
I'm Jewish.
It's in the contract.
| I see.
I was eight days old, Holling.
| A baby.
I had no choice in the matter.
| My father held me, my mother wept.
You can't compare that | to a 63-year-old man who's opting to have his foreskin removed because he | thinks it's in style.
- You're against my doing it.
| - Absolutely.
There is no medical reason | for you to be circumcised.
I am personally opposed | to unnecessary surgical procedures.
I see.
Let me add one piece | of pertinent information.
We are talking about a very | sensitive part of the anatomy.
- Yeah.
| - You need stitches Stitches, Holling | down there.
So? Under the circumstances, | it might not be such a good idea.
Yeah.
Wise decision.
Well, thank you, Joel.
- Who's next, Marilyn? | - Number nine.
Number nine.
- Well, I'm 10.
| - What happened to nine? Where's nine? Sir? Hello, number nine? Excuse me.
Hello? Is this the first one you've lost? I didn't lose him.
| I never touched him.
He was waiting to see me.
| He was sitting in a chair.
You know, death's a funny thing.
It always blindsides you.
It always sneaks up on you | when you're not looking.
The man liked good boots.
- Do you recognize him? | - No.
Never seen him before.
- You don't know your own patients? | - He wasn't my patient yet.
And I have an assistant here who | thinks it's unnecessary to take names.
She'd rather run my | office like a delicatessen.
He's number nine.
- Have any I.
D.
On him? | - I don't know.
Well, better check.
| You take that side.
No way, Maurice.
I'm not going | through his pockets.
He's not gonna bite you, son.
Marilyn, you better log this.
One package of Juicy Fruit gum, | three pieces remaining.
- Juicy Fruit, three sticks.
| - Right.
- One nail clipper.
| - Nail clipper.
What's this? | Hey.
Hey.
Hey! - What is it? | - Somethin's got me! - I had you goin' there, didn't I? | - Just see if he has some I.
D.
"Pick up shirt Monday.
" - Does he have a wallet? | - No, that's it.
- We do know one thing.
| - What's that? - Not wearing a wedding ring.
| - Great.
Terrific.
- Who are we supposed | to call about this? - Call? - Yeah, who's the coroner around here? | - Coroner? - Son, where do you think you are? | - I'm sorry.
I must have lost my head.
Of course there's no coroner.
I don't suppose you have | an undertaker either.
- Milt.
| - Milt? Milt Wyman? | He's a taxidermist.
Well, that makes him | eminently qualified, I'd say.
- Margaret! | - Dad! Be back in three days,? | Hey.
- Peanut! How are ya? | - I'm good.
You got the hat.
| Oh, yeah, and the mittens.
Good.
Looks good.
Geez, you are in the boonies.
| Yeah.
But you know what? I thought I'd fly you over to Kalichuk.
| We could do some ice fishing.
Enough fishing.
| I've been stuck in a boat for a week listening to this guy bellyache | 'cause his board won't go a buyout.
How about the Nogiak Glacier? | It's spectacular.
I told him to resign.
| That's what I did over the Pinto flap.
Dad.
Margaret, I wanna see where you live.
And I wanna meet your boyfriend.
| Well, see, that's it.
He's not here.
| Where'd he go? He's in Anchorage.
You're not hiding him from me, are you? No, I'm not hiding him from you.
| Why would you think a thing like that? We both know how I felt about | your boyfriends in the past.
Like that loser Bruce and his book, | Mountain of My Misgivings? I tried to read that thing.
| I know, Dad.
You know, | I'd love to meet Minnifield.
Did I tell you I saw | him in Detroit in '65 when they gave him that parade? Yeah, but you know Maurice.
He's got that radio | station, the newspaper.
He's a busy man.
| It's too bad about your boyfriend.
Yeah, | well When you wrote and told me who | you were goin' out with, I thought "Thank God this one's not a flake.
" Come on, now.
Don't get all worked up.
| You know what I mean.
I was looking forward | to meeting your Dr.
Joel.
- Shelly, what kind of eggs are these? | - Scrambled.
You know, | they taste kind of like shrimp.
That's funny.
- Do you have some cocktail sauce? | - Sure.
- Holling, where have you been? | - Dave never showed up.
I had to do breakfast all by myself.
| Oh, God, it's been crazy.
Somebody stuck a donut in | the toaster and gunked it all up.
I went to see Joel.
Everybody ordered pancakes, | and we only have two bottles of syrup.
I'm sorry, honey.
You went to see | Dr.
Fleischman? Is your neck acting weird again? I went about that problem we discussed.
What problem? About you preferring | crewnecks to, turtlenecks.
You know, about my | not being circumcised.
That's not a problem.
Well, in case it was, | I was gonna get it done.
You went to see Dr.
Fleischman | about getting it snipped? Well, yes, but You did? For me? | Yes.
But Joel said Oh, Holling! Nobody's ever done something | like this for me before.
I mean, Wayne had a heart | with an "S" tattooed on his arm.
- But this This is so | - Honey so incredibly macho That you | would actually do that for me.
Oh, Holling, I love you.
I love you, I love you, I love you.
This your idea of a morgue? Take people out, put | them on a picnic table? Well, we used to put 'em | in Holling's freezer.
Either that or burn 'em.
| Depends on the wishes of the family.
So why aren't we putting him | in Holling's freezer? It's full, son.
This is a hell | of a huntin' season this year.
You're tellin' me | Up you go! So what? You mean we can't | displace a couple caribou? Well, son, out here, food takes | precedence over human remains.
What are you gripin' about anyway? It's a brisk ought-seven out here.
The only thing we have to | worry about is gettin' sentries.
Sentries? You mean guards? | The man's dead, Maurice.
- Where's he gonna go? | - I'm talkin' about wolves, son.
- Wolves? | - Yeah, wolves.
When Jack Cutler died, | we forgot about him.
One night the wolves came, | took old Jack away.
All we found was his shoes.
| Hi, Dr.
Fleischman.
Hi.
Ed.
| I heard you lost a patient.
I didn't lose him.
| I don't even know who he is.
Looks like a man I met from Sleetmute.
- Yeah? | - But it isn't.
Eight hundred and fifty | people in this town nobody knows who this man is.
I'll tell you what.
I'll get my ink pad and | take his fingerprints.
Maybe the state police | have some record of him.
He looks like | a fugitive from justice.
- He does? | - Oh, yeah.
- Ed.
| - Yes? We're gonna have to guard this man.
I want you to take | the first shift tonight.
Yes, sir, Maurice.
Coffee, Holling.
Scalding hot coffee, please.
Why is seven degrees in Alaska colder | than seven degrees anywhere else? Joel, I've changed my mind.
Good.
A mind that can | change is a healthy mind.
Intelligence is actually determined | by the ability to adapt to new stimuli.
I've decided to go through with it.
You don't mean Holling, we talked about this.
You made an informed, | intelligent decision.
What could have possibly | changed your mind? Hi, Dr.
Fleischman.
Can you believe the Big H.
? How many guys would | get their Johnny peeled just to show his babe | how much he cared? - Not many.
- When do we get to | look at the pictures? What pictures? You know, for me and Holling, | to make an informed choice.
When my friend Pam | got her nose busted the doctor showed her pictures | of all the different styles.
Long and straight, | short and turned up.
Shelly, circumcision | is not like rhinoplasty.
Whatever then.
I'm gonna talk to the agency.
| You guys are respected.
You understand the importance | of good engineering.
Yeager wasn't even an astronaut, | but he's on TV selling spark plugs.
I've got nothing against shilling | for Detroit, Frank but you gotta give me | something worth selling.
As far as I'm concerned, there hasn't | been a decently designed automobile since the Toronado.
Hey, O'Connell! - I have to ask you a question.
| - Maurice, come on.
Dad, come on.
Why don't we go to my place? | G.
M.
, Chrysler We all got good-looking cars.
| What about the Thunderbird? Come on, Frank.
The Thunderbird's nothin' but | a Beemer with a Yank decal.
O'Connell, hey! Hey! | Whoa! Watch it! Come on, Dad.
| What's the rush? - O'Connell! | - Hey, someone's calling you.
No, I don't think so.
That's Fleischman.
Frank, | it's nice meetin' you.
I just have to ask you a question.
! | Keep in touch.
- Fleischman? | - Are you deaf? You fly in a guy six feet, chews Juicy | Fruit, good boots? Darling! O'Connell.
| You're back! Why didn't you | tell me you were back? Back? Well, what kind of boyfriend are you? You wouldn't think we had a close, | caring relationship that we'd been intimately involved | for the past six months.
What kind of impression | does that make on my dad? My dad, who's come all this way to meet you, my | boyfriend, the doctor who I've written so many | wonderful letters about.
Nice to meet you, Joel.
| Hi.
I know you have to | get back to the office sweetheart, but hopefully we'll | have a chance to get together.
If not, I'm sure Dad will understand | how busy you are.
Margaret, you're not fooling me.
| What? I see what's going on here.
| You do? You're trying to keep | me away from Joel.
She's afraid I'm gonna scare you off.
Don't worry, Peanut.
| I'm gonna be on my best behavior.
Peanut? Come on.
Let me buy you a drink.
You've been listening to the adagio | from Beethoven's Seventh Symphony.
I think Ludwig pretty much | summed up death in this one.
You know, he'd just about lost | all his hearing when he wrote it and I've often | wondered if that didn't help him to tune into | the final silence of the great beyond.
Apropos of all that, before I forget I've got a couple of | scheduling changes for those that are looking after | the body of the unknown person.
Doreen Mayfair is | nursing a sick malamute and can't make her 7:00 p.
M.
Shift.
Hey, Ruth-Anne, you wanted me | to let you know that you're up at 6:00.
On a happier note, congratulations | and I'chaim to Holling Vincoeur.
He's getting circumcised the day after | tomorrow by our own Dr.
Fleischman.
Anybody who's not familiar | with the practice circumcision is the surgical removal | of the foreskin of the penis.
Anyway, Holling, if you're listening, | I don't know if you have plans for the disposal of that foreskin, | but you might wanna consider the Hasidic custom of burying it | under a fruit tree.
You know, a little nod | to life's cyclic nature.
Anyway, brother, | I'm gonna spin this one for you.
You know, Joel, | Margaret used to be so finicky.
She wouldn't step foot in a place | that didn't have linen on the table.
- Mr.
O'Connell | - Frank.
Frank Would you excuse us | for one second? Don't be gone long, now.
| I'm hungry.
Okay, O'Connell.
| All right.
I just happened to mention | in a few letters to my father that my boyfriend was a doctor.
You just happened to mention | You just happened to mention that your boyfriend was a doctor? Keep your voice down.
You mean me? | Me? The person you describe | as manipulative self-centered, subhuman? The person who, just a few hours ago, | you compared unfavorably to a tapeworm? Will you please keep it down? | Why? Why would you do such a twisted, | perverted thing? I don't now, Fleischman.
| Perhaps it was an error in judgment.
An error in judgment? | It's a complete fabrication, a lie.
Why didn't you just happen to | mention the stalwart Rick? Look, my father is this incredible | A- Type achievement junkie, okay? He wouldn't consider Rick | worthy of his little girl.
What are you, the House of Windsor? | The Romanovs? Rick's not good enough for you? | Not me.
My dad.
You don't know him.
He was the youngest C.
E.
O.
| in automotive history.
Remember the hatchback? | That's my dad.
Who cares if he's the V-8? Tough, can-do, | "I am woman" Maggie O'Connell lies to her father | like a six-year-old.
I wouldn't expect you to understand, | Fleischman.
You probably don't have parents.
| You probably, you know crawled out full grown | out of some primordial swamp.
Why didn't you think of somebody else? I don't know.
You just | popped into my head.
I never thought you'd have to meet him.
Come on, Fleischman.
| just five minutes, okay? just a drink.
| Help me out.
Please? What? | Where'd you get that dumb hat? Okay, fine, Fleischman.
| Forget it.
Just forget it.
Hi, Dad.
Okay, All right.
- What's good here? | - Nothing.
Not a thing, really.
Where's Joel? What's going on? Well, actually, Dad, he | Hi.
I was just about to | tell Dad that you really do have to get | back to the office.
If that's the case, why don't you | just come over for dinner tonight? - Oh, he can't.
| - I can't? - No, he's got an | emergency in Anchorage.
- No, I don't.
- Yes, you do.
| - No, I don't.
- Yes, you do.
| - How does 8:00 sound? Fine.
Keep it moving, please.
| Hi, Ed.
Hello, Mrs.
Staffle.
| Keep it moving, please.
Give everyone a chance.
Anybody recognize him? | Not yet, Maurice.
Hell of a turnout.
I guess tragedy brings | a town together.
Hello, George.
| Hi, Ed.
Hi, Agnes.
| Look at his hands.
It looks like he's worked hard | all his life.
Yeah.
| He can't be more than 60.
Keep it moving, please.
I think it would've made him happy, | Ruth-Anne to have somebody | like you mourn him.
It's all such a mystery.
Don't you worry, Ruth-Anne.
We'll find out who he is.
Oh, it's not the man, Ed.
| It's life.
No matter how hard I try, | I just can't figure it out.
See you, Chris.
Keep it moving, please.
Hello, Gladys.
When Margaret was | five, she was second runner-up in the | Little Miss Great Lakes.
Really? A lot of our friends used to say, | "Why do you push a kid into that for?" But it was all her idea.
| She begged us to be in that pageant.
You never told me this, honey.
| Well - What was that song you sang? | - Oh, I-I don't remember, Dad.
The one that Andy Williams's wife sang.
| The woman that shot the skier.
Claudine Longet.
"Love is Blue" | That's right.
Margaret had a beautiful voice.
| And what a little ham.
Peanut, where's the scotch? Scotch.
Right.
I have to believe that Alaska | is just some kind of phase.
I used to take her camping when | she was a kid, and she hated it.
Every little bump in the night, | it was, "Daddy, I'm scared.
- Daddy, what was that? " | - Me too.
Excuse me.
| Well, these things happen.
- You look so pretty in that dress.
| - She does, doesn't she? You know, you ought to wear | a dress more often.
Let people see | this dynamite figure of yours.
Why should I be the only lucky one? Well, dinner's ready.
Good.
| Yeah.
Steak and creamed corn.
| That's my girl.
Maggie's a wonder.
| With all she does, it's incredible.
She insists on making us | a good, hot meal every night.
I can't tell you what a comfort that is when I drag my tired | dogs home from the office.
How long you two | been living together? Who? Oh, us? I saw the aftershave in the bathroom.
| Don't worry.
I'm not a prude.
Margaret's mother | Now, that's another matter.
She's a lace-curtain Bostonian.
Now, if she finds out, | she'll call the pope.
- The steak is great.
| - What? - You're smoking? | - So? It's just | that I mean I've never seen you smoke.
| So? You into any sports up here, Joel? Sports? Me? | Yeah.
What do you play? Well, in the winter, it's luge.
- Luge? | - Yeah.
I'm into luge.
Isn't that some kind of sled? Yeah, but that's, uh | That's in the winter.
In the summer, I'm | I'm really into bungee jumping.
- What? | - Bungee jumping.
You tie an elastic | cord around your ankle and then you jump off a bridge.
You see, Frank, I have grown really, | really tired of contact sports.
I mean, sure, you can break an ankle you can tear up a | knee, but can you die? Can you die? Where is the fun in | it all if defeat is nothing more than six | months in traction? - Have you two discussed the future? | - Dad, enough questions.
I think Joel must be exhausted | from talking so much.
No, your father's right.
| He has every right to be paternal.
I'm sure you wanna know | if my intentions are honorable.
Well? | Well Margaret and I have had very serious | discussions about her conversion.
Conversion? To what? - You didn't tell him? | - Tell me what? I'm Jewish.
The patient is a 63-year-old | male Caucasian Holling Vincoeur.
Mr.
Vincoeur enjoys | swimming, photography and fresh seafood.
Today, I'm going to be operating | on Mr.
Vincoeur's Johnny giving it a more youthful | and vigorous appearance.
So, without further ado, | here's Johnny.
! Scalpel.
Oh, no.
! - Can you fix it? | - No! When are you going in | for your circumcision, Holling? Tomorrow.
Break a leg.
Holling? Yes, Shelly? | Did you put this on the table? Yes.
| Look.
It's all smudged.
Your hand's shaking.
| Well, it's a bit-bit chilly in here.
Put on a sweater, babe.
You know, Marilyn, you | can tell a lot about a person by the | contents of his pockets.
juicy Fruit, for example.
| What does that suggest to you? He liked gum.
| Precisely.
Also indicates the man | had no fear of sugar.
If it were me, it would have | been Carefree, maybe Extra.
- I like Dentyne.
| - Yeah, you see? These clippers | This is a fastidious man.
He cared about his grooming.
Ah.
But here Now, here is a clue with resonance.
"Pick up shirt Monday"? | Right.
If we knew where that shirt was, | we could figure out who he is.
Where do you leave a shirt? | A dry cleaner, right? We don't have a dry cleaner.
| Exactly.
So we can eliminate that possibility.
| Now, how about a tailor? Maybe he needed to get | a button sewn on.
We don't have a tailor.
| Okay.
Okay, just stay with me.
Maybe we're onto something.
| Suppose Suppose he had a lady friend | who did his laundry for him.
I'm goin' to lunch.
I wanna thank you for the stellar | performance last night.
- I was good, wasn't I? | - You were despicable.
You sunk to depths that | I didn't even know existed.
That you could treat | my father like that You were sadistic, malicious.
You should be on your | knees thanking me.
You needed the perfect boyfriend, | I gave you the perfect boyfriend.
Everything your dad | could want for his little Peanut.
You enjoyed it, | like some cheap con man.
I didn't weave | this web of deceit.
I wasn't the one who told your | father I was your intended.
I never said "intended" | I said "boyfriend" - "Boyfriend.
" | - Pardon me.
I stand corrected.
And what I did was different | completely different.
Yeah, it was worse.
| What a P.
R.
Job.
That dress, the creamed corn.
And that cigarette It was disgusting, O'Connell.
| My clothes still smell.
What is wrong with letting him | think what he wants to think? What's the harm in that? There's no harm.
It's just that | he thinks his daughter is Barbie.
So what? So what if he does? | He lives 4,000 miles away.
That's your rationale? | That makes it all right? Look, I just didn't want him to worry.
Worry about what? | Me.
How long are you gonna keep this up? | I don't know.
Am I gonna have to go home | with you for Christmas? God, no.
I'll think of something.
Dr.
Kolatch from Juneau | on line one.
We only have one line.
Hello.
This is Dr.
Fleischman.
Okay.
Everybody, please listen.
I've just spoken to | the medical examiner in Juneau about an autopsy and he agreed, I | think, quite graciously to take the body off our hands.
- What? What did I say? | - He's ours.
He belongs to us.
- What are you talking about? | - He's got a kind face.
A kind face? You said he looks like | a fugitive from justice.
Well, he's worked hard all his life.
Wait a minute.
What difference does any of this make? We've been sitting out | with him for two days.
We've gotten to know him.
And we're not going to ship him off | somewhere where nobody cares.
That's right! Listen, I think what | we're all trying to say is we feel a kind of | connection to this man.
I mean, we don't know him, | but in a way we do.
I mean, it's like a still pond.
| You know, we see our own reflection.
Well, however you wanna put it, | this man deserves a decent funeral.
Now, our winter climate | precludes burial Wait Wait a minute.
| You can't do anything with that body | until I sign a death certificate.
I can't sign a death certificate | until I know what he died of.
I won't know what he died of | until somebody does an autopsy.
- Then why don't you do an autopsy? | - Because I am I am not qualified.
Oh, don't underestimate | yourself, son.
No, I am not a pathologist.
Then you're going to | have to think of something.
But you're not | going to send him to Juneau.
- Right.
Right.
| - That's right! Okay, okay, okay! Okay.
Now, I guess they don't | actually need the whole body.
Can I at least send a few vital organs? - Will they send 'em back? | - I suppose so.
I can ask.
All right.
Good.
The funeral for the | unknown personal take place as soon as practically possible after the return of | the said vital organs.
You'll prepare a few words? Good.
This meeting's adjourned.
Joel.
! Joel.
! Joel.
! Joel? Whoa-ho.
! Joel.
! Holling, it's 2:00 in the morning.
| What are you doing here? I'm just out for a little stroll and I wanted to make sure | that you're okay.
Okay, yeah.
Yeah, I'm okay.
| Joel I don't want you | to worry about tomorrow.
All right.
| Of course, it is a big responsibility.
But I am here to tell you that everything | is going to be just fine.
- Holling, are you stewed? | - You know, me and Johnny we've been through | thick and thin together.
All those hunting trips just me and Johnny and | and the full moon.
Johnny who? He's not afraid of some | little old pair of clippers.
As for me, when I got mauled | by Jesse the bear I had to get 133 stitches.
I was sewed up by an Indian woman | who had me bite the edge of a table.
She said I had a very high | threshold of pain.
Look, Holling, you are not | going to need 133 stitches and I'm gonna give you | an anesthetic.
Joel, I know you're gonna | take good care of me.
You're a fine doctor an excellent physician.
May I see your hands? Your hands.
Yes.
| You have good hands.
Small, but good.
Holling, you don't have to | go through with this.
If you have any concerns, | bail out.
Joel, I told you.
Don't worry.
You're going to be just fine.
Try to get a good night's sleep.
What is your story, anyway? Why isn't anybody looking for you? You got no family no friends.
Well, I'm alone myself.
I had a brother, Malcolm.
He died last year.
He owed me $8,000.
Eight thousand dollars | that I have no way of collecting.
I guess you'd think that $8,000 wouldn't mean too much | to a man with my portfolio but it's the principle of the thing.
A man should not leave this earth | with unfinished business.
He should live each day | as if it was a preflight check.
He should ask each morning, | "Am I prepared for liftoff?" Am I prepared? They're here.
| Come on in.
Shelly, there's some rags | over there in the corner.
You want to start | tearing 'em up into bandages? Just kidding.
| We're a full-service facility.
Holling, you can drop your drawers | and hop up on the table here.
Aren't you gonna give him | some gas or something? I don't think it's necessary.
| Do you, Holling? - Not if you don't, Joel.
| - Well, then, shall we? Isn't this gonna hurt? Well, Holling has a | pretty high pain threshold.
I'm sure you're familiar with | the story of Jesse the bear.
Good.
Take your pants off.
Wait a minute.
| This is all happening so fast.
Shelly, I have a room full | of patients out there.
If we're gonna do it, let's do it.
- Well | - Whoa! What is this? What is what? | This Here on your neck.
Oh, that's nothing, Joel.
Holling, he's a doctor.
| It's a hickey.
I guess I got a little carried away.
What? | Well, when did he get this? - Night before last.
| - It still hasn't healed? What? - He could have a bleeding diathesis.
| - A bleeding what? When your blood doesn't clot | as fast as it should.
You know, the penis | is an extremely vascular area.
If you do have a bleeding problem, | this could be very serious.
Oh, boy.
I don't I can't perform this surgery.
What? | I'm sure I'll be all right, Joel.
If this were a | life-threatening condition that required | surgical intervention I'd go ahead and do it.
But this is elective cosmetic surgery.
| I can't do it.
I can't.
| I cannot put you at risk.
I know how much you want this, Holling.
| I feel terrible.
You come to me with a simple request | one simple little request.
What do I do? I fail you.
You know how that makes me feel? | Impotent, like a failure.
Well In medical school, they try | to prepare you for this.
They do.
They tell you | there'll be tough decisions times when you have to hold someone's fate in your hand, | times when you are forced to play God.
But nothing really prepares you | for times like this.
Nothing.
Can you ever forgive me? | Can you? Well, uh Oh, Holling, I know you're | really bummed out about this.
But it's like my grandma always says: "It's not the gift that counts.
| It's the thought.
" And to tell you the truth, | I like your little turtleneck.
You do? | Mm-hmm.
Really? | I think it's bitchin'.
Joel Joel, all is forgiven.
Margaret, have you seen my razor? Oh, I think I packed it.
You're packing my bag? Well, Dad, I don't want | you to miss your plane.
Margaret, we've got three hours.
I know, but-but this | is the time of year the avalanches I Why do I get the feeling | you're trying to get rid of me? Don't be silly.
Margaret, if this has anything to do | with me and Joel I want you to know I like him.
You do? | Yes.
Dad, you don't think he's | a little full of himself? I forgive that in a young man.
| And condescending? That too.
| I like him.
I really like him.
Dad, my boyfriend's name is Rick.
| He's a bush pilot.
He's not particularly smart.
He's never been to college.
| He has no plans or goals.
You'd hate him.
- What? | - Well, I lied about Joel, Dad because I figured he | was the kind of guy you'd want me to go out with.
- The other night was a sham.
| - Why? Why? Because all my life I've gotten nothing but grief from | you over the guys I went out with.
- They were never good enough.
| - Well, they weren't.
- See? | - See what? Dad, you have this image of me in white gloves and | patent leather shoes Daddy's little girl.
That's not me.
| No, it's not your fault.
It's mine.
I played into it.
| I let you think what you wanna think.
This is who I am.
I live in Alaska.
I fly a plane.
| My boyfriend's name is Rick.
I don't cook, | and I hardly ever wear a dress.
- Dad, what I'm trying to say is | - I know what you're trying to say.
I'm not a fool, Margaret.
I promised your mother I'd pick up | a pair of those fleece-lined moccasins.
So let me get this off my face and we'll stop at that | little store in town.
And 18,19 and 20.
| Thank you.
I'm sure your wife will love these.
Ruth-Anne, you | get in those cotton swabs? They're in the back room, Joel.
| Hello, Joel.
Frank.
| I'm leaving now.
Back home.
Oh, well, you have a good trip.
| It's been a pleasure.
Maybe one of these days Maggie and I'll get | down to Grosse Pointe.
It's funny.
You always think | your kids'll reach an age when you'll stop worrying | about them, but they never do.
Makes me feel better | knowing that Maggie has someone up | here she can count on.
Bungee jumping? The fact that we don't know this man | isn't important really 'cause his experience | is our experience and his fate up here is our fate.
Says the preacher.
"All is vanity.
'" I think that's a pretty good epitaph | for all of us.
When we're stripped | of all our worldly possessions and all our fame | and family, friends we all face death alone.
But it's that solitude in death | that's our common bond in life.
I know it's ironic, | but that's just the way things are.
"Only when we understand | all is vanity, only then it isn't.
" Sometimes I have trouble | following his train of thought.
Anybody like to say anything else? Maggie.
I would.
| I'd like to read a poem.
"Let me not to the marriage | of true minds admit impediments.
"Love is not love which alters | when it alteration finds "or bends with the remover | to remove.
"Oh, no.
| It is an ever-fixed mark "that looks on tempests | and is never shaken.
"It is the star for every | wandering bark "whose worth's unknown, | although his height be taken.
"Love's not Time's fool, | though rosy lips and cheeks "within his bending sickle's | compass come.
"Love alters not with | its brief hours and weeks "but bears it out | even to the edge of doom.
"If this be error | and upon me proved I never writ, | nor no man ever loved.
" Boy, she sure can write.
You okay? Ashes to ashes and dust to dust.