Orange Is the New Black s03e05 Episode Script
Fake It Till You Fake It Some More
Nah.
Don't get up.
I'm all good, thanks.
Yo.
All right, all right.
Arms and the Man by Bernard Shaw.
You read that one before? Mmm-mmm.
After a horrifying sawing accident leaves him armless, the man sets out on a journey of self-discovery, realizing that legs can do everything that arms can! Is this what you do all day? Well, I mean, I got a nap scheduled later, too.
It probably means "arms" as in "weapons.
" Oh.
Yo, it could be both.
You know? Like, dude ain't got no arms, he gotta figure out how to hold his weapon with his feet.
Like, "Freeze, bitch!" Ain't you got anything better to do with yourself? Did you not hear about that nap situation? Man, you fuckin' lucky 'cause maintenance sucks, yo.
You should see what piles up in the corners of the showers.
Little pube-tropolis of buildings and shit for spiders and bacteria living their lives, growing Well, see, you went urban, right? I would've said a hair jungle, right? Spiders be jumpin' from pube to pube.
Bacteria's all like, "Fuck.
It rains a lot in here.
Get off me.
" Did you hear about the new job crew? Supposed to pay a buck an hour.
A buck an hour? Shit, whatever that is, it's probably way worse than pube town.
Oh, it's a pube town now? Man, this place ain't fool you enough with that job fair bullshit? Um, excuse me, pause.
I got two Cherry Pepsis off of that mug, plus, bragging rights.
Yo, fuck that, man.
My job is the shit, you know? I mean, worth way more than buck an hour.
You cannot put a price on Entspannung.
That's "relaxation.
" Case in point, I'ma go take me a dip in the honey jar.
Um, it's 8:00 in the morning.
You drinking already? It's always 5:00 in prison.
Oh What the fuck? What's up? Yo! My honey's been jacked.
Winnie the Pooh: Tales from the Ghetto.
- Man, these were full yesterday.
- Maybe some animal got to 'em.
You're forgetting we living with a bunch of thieves.
Man.
Hey, boss? I still haven't heard anything from these corporate guys about our benefits.
And I finally got my prescriptions set up online, you know, with our old plan.
Had to pay my niece 50 bucks to help me figure it out.
Please, please tell me there aren't gonna be any changes.
I haven't heard.
C-Dorm got their new mattresses this morning.
Plus, stall doors on all the bathrooms.
Smoke and mirrors.
I know it, and I don't trust it.
Did you two walk through the door into a paying job this morning? Uh-huh.
You're welcome.
- Is everything all right? - I needed to cool off.
I'm sweating in places I didn't even know that sweated.
Well, stick an ice cube in your bra and get back to work.
I gotta get these inventory numbers to the new guys by 3:00.
Where's Norma? I thought she was helping.
_ _ _ _ I wouldn't mind handling a big hose.
I hear they're setting up a call center.
Uh? With my sexy voice, I'll be making mad commissions.
Commissions? Right.
You get 10% of nothing on every nothing you nothing.
Look, nobody here is applying to the new job, comprende? We got a good thing going here.
Norma! One potato, two potato! Start counting! And the rest of you, start slicing carrots.
And be grateful that you're not scrubbing toilets no more.
What you got there? Oh, you busting out on your own now? No? Right.
Go count that with the others.
Vamos! I need numbers! What if it turns out to be, like, picking up trash on the side of the road? They don't pay that much for dummy work.
Nah, whatever it is, it's gonna take skills and smarts.
Yeah, what're you gonna wow them with? Your eyeliner skills, or your smarts about how many words rhyme with bleak in emo songs? Fuck you and your stupid sad face.
We didn't take your baby away, okay? Yeah? You should shut up about shit you don't know about.
- You should shut up, you know.
- Hey! At least I got ambition.
_ _ _ _ _ _ Whoa! You, go scrub some pans.
- What? Gross.
She started this shit! - Now! I'm so done with this depressing-ass place.
_ I just really miss you.
I'm so jealous.
Oh, baby, it's work.
And it's fuckin' Kesha.
You're not missing anything.
Seriously.
When you gonna let me sell with you? Or sell my own stuff? My phone bill is, like, crazy every month.
Just give me a little something.
The kids at my school are, like, dying for it.
If you need money for your phone bill, I got you.
I wanna make my own money.
So, I can buy you a present.
You're my present, baby.
_ _ I gotta go, baby.
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ This is for a wedding? It's got no back.
It's Emma Stone's Golden Globe dress.
The peach one.
But Mrs.
Ramirez is, like, 57.
She's still got a nice back.
It looks really good.
I know.
I do good work.
But even if I didn't I'm gonna sew a Calvin Klein label on it.
So now you're Theresa Gonzales for Calvin Klein.
Hey, more often than not, people believe what you tell them.
What's all this scuttlebutt with the new job assignment? Scuttlebutt? The gossip, the lowdown, the 411.
Oh.
Someone said it was a party planning job.
I stopped listening after that.
Electrical sucks without Nicky's running commentary.
I wouldn't mind a new job assignment.
- Is my look off-putting? - Off-putting? Harsh, scary not pleasing.
There is a certain hardness to your overall thing.
Listen to you, being frank and honest.
Good.
Now, tell me how to soften things.
I thought that you and Dmitri were kaput.
That was not an invitation to pry into my life.
A little beauty advice is all I'm after.
Beauty comes from the inside.
Hmm.
However smudging the corner of your eyeliner, not spiking your hair, and a lighter lip couldn't hurt.
Um Ha! Hey, Pearson.
Morning.
You know, Danny's fine.
Oh, well, we mostly use last names around here.
Cool, cool.
Yeah, whatever you think makes sense.
You need to go? Oh, no.
No, uh I just I had My hands I had to wash my hands.
Sometimes I need to count five metal objects before I can pee.
Huh? Door hinge, door hinge, flusher, tap, faucet.
Got this place wired.
After you.
Oh.
Sure.
So you guys fired the warden.
That was a surprise.
Yeah.
Well, we absorbed the position.
Whatever that means.
Like we had soaked him up or something, but, uh Good news for you though is, uh, you know, you're our main man on the ground.
- Everyone's been very happy so far.
- Oh, great.
Great.
I I was thinking, maybe we could have a meeting, all of us, old, new.
- Make sure we're on the same page.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
Sure, sure.
No, I think Jones or maybe Carson is setting something like that up.
Everyone's checking their calendars.
It takes forever, you know what I mean? Just like, everyone wants to be the alpha dog.
This time! That time! Woof! But, uh, I'll make the call on it soon.
- You'll make the call? - Yeah.
Yeah, I'll let you know.
Mr.
Caputo? Oh! I made these for you.
Look at that.
Any word on that new job situation? Unconfirmed, Black.
Keep moving.
Fine.
But I want you to know that I have a wide array of talents, besides the criminal and papier-mâché variety.
- Oh, I am sure you do.
- Good.
How do they, uh, know about the job? Well, you're renovating a building out there that's been empty since the '90s.
Any sniff in a break in the monotony, and these girls are all over it.
In fact, that was one of the things I was hoping we could all discuss.
You throw off the whole prison economy when you introduce a job that's paying 10 times the going rate.
I mean, it could get ugly.
Yeah, I could see that.
Well, we, uh We have a system that I think will limit the ugliness.
- A system? - Yeah.
That's great.
Well, maybe we can talk more about that? Sure, yeah.
Talk right now.
Go up to my office, I could pour us a couple big glasses of water.
- I, um - You have to pee, don't ya? Very much so.
All right.
To be continued.
Okay, okay.
- Oh! - Oh.
- Hello, Red.
- Hello! Were you coming by to see me? Came in for a drink of water.
It's a beautiful day.
Is it? I was stuck inside doing paperwork.
- Oh.
- Who's the real prisoner? Still me, I think.
Hey.
You look, I don't know You look lighter.
I feel lighter.
The new regime has fixed all the soap dispensers.
Feels like opportunities are sprouting up all around us.
It's funny that you say that.
Just the other day I was talking to someone Hey, Healy.
I got a question for you.
- Reznikov, is it? - Red.
Berdie.
Sorry to interrupt.
Um, do you know who I can get to drill a hole in my desk? I wanna run my lamp and computer cords through so they're not all hanging out there, you know.
When you need something like that done, it needs to be cleared through Admin first.
What? That's silly.
Who's on maintenance crew? You're on your own with this one.
Come on, give me a name.
Try Portolino or Wiggins.
They'll be able to help you.
Awesome, thank you.
You should come visit me, Red.
Check out my clean, cordless environment.
We'll have a cup of tea.
See you later, Healy.
Not enjoying your new colleague, hmm? She's perky.
I mean, who's that perky? I agree.
Perk is for coffee.
It's deplorable in people.
You missed a button.
There you go.
Now you're perfect.
Thank you.
I was just gonna go and, uh get myself a perky cup of coffee in the break room.
Well, don't drink too much.
Coffee can inflame the lining of the small intestine and lead to irritable bowels.
I'll keep that in mind.
You know what some cultures do to people who steal eggs? They cut their hands off.
According to my last count, you owe me four fucking hands.
When I helped you out with the Vee situation, we had a little cross-cultural understanding.
But I don't remember giving you permission to set up your own shop, Magic Norma.
Especially not for free.
And especially when you don't know what the fuck you're doing.
Santeria is some serious shit.
You start messing around, you piss off the orishas! Mira, I I don't need that on me.
And that's why I'm gonna take back my candle.
Oh, look.
My eggs, my beads, my honey.
This ain't your history.
It ain't your culture.
It stops now.
Fine, you can keep the honey, but it's for eating only.
I see you anointing anything with this, it's gonna be the last sweet thing in your life.
I don't care what Gloria says, I'm going for it.
Gonna kill that interview like at the job fair.
But you lost job fair.
Yeah, but this time there won't be an audience, so they won't get all, like, PC, and give it to the fat mayate so she don't get all sad.
Gloria's right, though.
It's good all of us together.
Who knows who they'll stick in to replace you.
What if she's mean or likes Coldplay or something? It's all gelling right now.
So, I'm supposed to put on that feo hair net and scrub pots and pans every day because it's gelling? I'm so much better than that.
- You saying you're better than me? - No! You're good, too.
All I'm saying is that I got aspirations.
I always have, even in here.
You know, when I wear that apron in the kitchen I'm really wearing it ironically.
Wow.
I had no idea.
So I thought, I gotta do like my mom and just knock it off.
You can do, like, chemistry? Nah, nah.
Not even.
So I found, like, blotter clip art.
I printed it out.
I wet it a little bit.
Then, I blow dried it, made little squares, and I was in business.
Selling fake designer acid.
Brought it to the game on Friday.
By halftime, sold out.
- What? - I made some more yesterday.
Little cherries, so cute.
And check it, bought me some flatforms! Oh! Those are cute.
They're like flats and platforms in one? Wow.
That's why they're called flatforms, dumb-ass.
Yo, Marisol.
Hey, Arturo.
Arturo's friends.
Willy said he saw green alien guys when he was tripping on your shit.
- They were leprechauns.
- Dude, aliens sounds so much cooler.
But they had little hats.
Aliens can't have little hats because of their antennas or whatever.
Do you think you could hook us up again? My boy Jason here wants to try it.
Lately, he's been kind of down.
Yeah, I could hook you up.
But remember, it's not for escaping reality, it's for, like, embracing it.
Yes, ma'am.
Oh, my God.
It's totally working.
- People will believe what you tell 'em.
- Until they don't.
Someone's gonna come back pissed and ask for a refund, or punch you in the face or something.
No, no, no, no, no.
If they come back, I say, "Hold up.
What happened when you took it?" And if they say, "Nothing," I say, "What is nothing? Because some people say there was nothing when the universe was created, but, like isn't empty space still something? Open your mind to the possibilities.
Maybe you're not doin' it right.
" And then, they come back because they feel like they didn't do it right.
Girl, I thought this shit through.
- You're such a mad genius.
- Yup.
Look at you! Round and round.
Round all around.
That's nice.
Just get to it.
Did you find him? Daya, that fucker hobbled away into the sunset.
I got into his house, nothing left except some shitty clothes.
I found a mug in the sink that looked like a grenade.
I thought that was cool.
I saved that for you.
But he's gone.
Daya, fuck that guy.
You're better off.
He had one leg.
I mean, you go around losing body parts, that's some pretty irresponsible shit! I was such a bitch.
I drove him away.
You have a life growing inside of you.
That makes you say and do all kinds of crazy shit that make no sense.
But a real man knows he has to suck it up and take it for nine months.
Maybe you get a little side action if need be.
But you don't split.
Even your loser father stuck around till you was two.
The leaving is on him, that's not on you.
So, what's gonna happen now? You're gonna take the baby, right? Uh Whoa.
Daya, I love you and I love your mother, but shit is real hard out here, okay? And then, your holy abuela, you know, she hookin' up with some old dude that she met in tai chi.
Hardly ever see her anymore! Christina.
Christina got some decent mommy skills.
Maybe she can take care of the baby for a little while.
She's in junior high.
So what? Junior high will still be there! Plus, she's already done, what, two years? Yo, it's all good.
It's all good.
I actually thought he loved me.
And he probably did, Daya.
All guys love you.
Because you're such a good girl.
But you know what? Sometimes love ain't stronger than débil.
That guy was a bitch! This inside me? It feels like a grenade right now.
And soon, it's gonna blow up and take me with it.
It's not a mug.
My poor baby, man.
I'm sorry, Daya.
If it makes you feel any better, next time I see that motherfucker, I'm gonna rape his ass with a broken bottle, and I'm gonna shoot him in the stomach so he bleeds slow.
- That I'm gonna do for you.
- Thank you.
You're welcome.
You need to complete the test in 12 minutes.
Twelve minutes.
Be honest with your answers.
And all pencils must be returned at the end of the test.
If you do not return your pencils, you will be given a - Present.
- shot.
Well, look who's here.
_ _ _ A test? Shit, I fucking suck at taking tests! I get all itchy and anxious.
I can't think straight.
_ Don't turn the test over till I say begin.
Now I know they serious about this job.
Written test? Damn! They probably got us building warheads or some shit all day.
You really think they'll have felons making weapons? I don't know.
I heard the new guys are military contractors.
- Mmm.
- I'm sure they up to some evil.
Have us making napalm or - weaponizing smallpox.
- Mmm-hmm.
Well, whatever it is, we gonna be leaving up here with fish gills and extra fingers.
That's not how mutation works.
Oh, really? How's it work? Our babies would the ones born with the fish gills and extra fingers.
What we'd have is a bunch of different cancers and lesions.
Shit like that.
Y'all so worried, don't take the test.
It gives me a better chance.
It still make 89 cents more than the warehouse.
I got my eye on that $16 fan in commissary.
Or you can just use your extra finger hand that you gonna have.
All right, ladies.
You may begin.
What the fuck? "True or false? Ideas are more important than real things.
" Shh! We are not supposed to discuss the questions.
Check out question three.
"Agree or disagree? Most people are brave.
" Now, my thoughts on bravery are supposed to tell them I'm a good employee, how? So easy.
All right.
Okay.
"I can feel overcome with wonder in nature.
" Well, I can feel that way, but I shouldn't say that, right? I mean, no one wants a tree hugger working for them.
Unless, they're one of those eco companies that makes, like, bamboo forks.
What have you guys heard? - Shh! - Quiet, ladies! Let's make a deal that if one of us gets it and the other one doesn't, then we don't take it.
Like you even need to say anything.
"I spend most of my time trying to understand things.
I spend most of my time trying to understand things.
" What are they getting at? Will you shut up? I'm trying to concentrate.
"I believe people are basically moral.
" Agree.
- You're supposed to answer honest.
- I do believe that.
_ You gotta think deeper than that.
People wanna be good.
- They really do, deep down.
- Mmm.
But they just fuck up.
I thought they were gonna, like, be interviewing us, not giving us some weird-ass brain test.
Quiet, Gonzales! _ Would you say that I "keep in the background"? I'm having a hard enough time figuring out these questions for myself.
What, I gotta answer yours now, too? Please! Sorry.
I'm gonna go with yes, I keep in the background.
My mother always said that silence can be the loudest thing.
But she never shut the fuck up.
Oh, Lordy, this is hard.
Quiet down, ladies.
Hey! What'd you put for 15? I'm blowing it.
See.
Now I'm getting all itchy.
- Shh! - You, shh! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Who can concentrate in here? Gonzales, you're done.
- I didn't finish yet.
- Yes, you're done.
Hand over your test and your pencil.
_ _ I don't speak Spanish, so I'm going to assume you said, "Have a nice day.
" Ooh.
Fuck you.
Another one bites the dust.
- Wanna help me spend some money? - What happened to saving for a car? I think I need to invest in some more emotional clothing right now, you know, and worry about the car later.
I need to dress for my authentic self.
- Mmm-hmm.
- And for Ian.
- Yo, what the fuck? - Yes.
You see me now? Because I see me.
It's Jason, I think he's fucked up.
I'm like a self-mirror.
_ I am silver and shimmery! Jason, you fucking idiot! I'm failing Math and Western Civ.
Everybody's failing Western Civ! How did he even get up there? Fuck it.
Oh, no.
You should plant some kale.
I hear it's become very popular.
The stuff that stays all day on a deli platter? That's a garnish, not something to eat.
It's supposed be loaded with vitamins.
Hey, you were right.
Gorgeous day.
Hey there, Jones, you ol' string bean.
Hello.
Speaking of string beans, Jones has some requests for the vegetable garden.
Now don't go getting any funny ideas with me now, you old burner.
I do know what a wacky tabacky leaf looks like.
- Excuse me, I have somewhere nicer to be.
- Ohhh Oh, no.
Stay.
Have a little more fun with us.
- Sit.
- Such fun.
Yeah, I was at a hippie music festival once.
Must have been, like, 10 or so.
Mother was away and my older brother was in charge of me.
His buddies and I, we hitchhiked there.
Healy, such a rebel.
Oh, no, no, no.
I was scared out of my mind.
For two days, I was living with a golf ball stuck in my throat, choking back the tears.
It was absolute chaos.
Pouring rain, nobody seemed to care.
And people just kept wandering around.
They were dancing completely naked, filthy with the mud.
It was, like, unbelievable.
Were you at Woodstock? Somewhere upstate.
Plus, somebody stole my Johnny Unitas football.
I never wanted to be home so badly.
You guys understand that, right? Sounds like it was very traumatizing for you.
I don't know.
My brother, he's an insurance appraiser now.
Mostly boats and other watercraft.
This is nice.
Fresh air.
Good company.
So, she wants this.
Does that look edible to you? - How you think you did? - Who can tell? Come on.
We just got started! Man, I pluck my chin hairs.
Ain't that upkeep enough? - I got to run, too? - Mind, body.
You know, I'm just now realizing, I'm pretty damn happy with both those departments.
I'm walking! - Come on.
- Uh-uh.
To the green house, then we can slow it down.
Let's go! - Man, if I sweat my hair out - Come on! Let's go! Titties flappin' everywhere! Please tell me that's a margarita.
Yeah.
Lemonade.
Made from the finest powdered ingredients the commissary has to offer.
Mmm.
- With the pink sweetener, not the blue.
- Nice.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Thank you.
God, I've been laying manure for the last four hours.
The latest rumor is that our new corporate overlords are gonna be testing genetically modified wheat out here.
See? Who says prison doesn't prepare you for the outside world? You know, when we get out of here I could find electrical work, you could landscape.
We could drive a pickup truck.
We would be living lesbian stereotypes.
We could stop shaving and start camping.
We could go to golf tournaments.
No? No.
No golf.
Who's that girl? - She's not in orange, so she's not new.
- Hmm.
I've never seen her before, and then today twice in one day.
It's a prison phenomenon.
It's like when you think you've seen everyone, you suddenly notice that there's a girl with a port wine birthmark on her face that has been working with you in electrical since you got here and you'd never seen her before.
No, that phenomenon is called self-absorbed.
Seriously, something is up with her.
She's super sketchy, and clearly her Disney Princess is Jasmine.
Look! Look! She just looked at me.
Twice in one day out of nowhere, Piper.
It's weird.
And he knows that I'm in here.
So So, you're saying that Kubra found a girl who was headed to prison, or better yet, convinced someone to get arrested, charged, sent to prison, and then manipulated it so that they would be assigned here, specifically so they could get you? I'm telling you, he's twisted.
He plays the long game.
He's too smart to send in a girl who looks like she's from Cyprus.
That's a rookie move.
You're a paranoid racist.
She probably just thinks you're cute.
But if she tries to hit on you I will smack a bitch down.
Hmm.
I've heard girls talking about you, saying you can offer help.
I'm in a pretty dark place.
Is this like a guru situation? I went to see Amma once.
The hugging saint.
We waited for three hours to get hugged, but then Seamus said he felt sick.
He said it was from the sun and the chia pudding, but I'm pretty sure he just got impatient.
I could've used that hug.
I don't know why I didn't stay.
Yes, I do.
I didn't stay so Seamus and Meadow could go back to the lake and have sex and do slackline.
So, I missed my hug.
Do those sound like good friends to you? I mean why don't I have people in my life who really care about me? Maybe it's me.
I've been lazy.
But there are connections to be made in here, right? I mean, I see people who care about each other all over this place.
And they were all new once.
Yeah.
That makes sense.
Oh.
I get it.
This is your thing.
You give people this meaningful stare, and people project their feelings onto it.
It's really soothing.
I feel better.
Thank you.
Inmates, no touching.
Oh, thanks.
Thanks for helping.
Yeah.
You steal from someone who's giving it away for free.
That's, like double negative karma.
Yeah, it is pretty fucked up.
You know this isn't gonna be ready for, like, another week or so, right? - A week? - Yeah.
_ Fuck Rome.
_ You got any suspects? You know, it could be Papadakis.
I know a couple of girls got sick off her shit.
Yo, maybe she's trying to steal my secret ingredient! - Cinnamon! - Watermelon! No, and no! All right? Fuck you.
I ain't telling you.
I think that squirrel's dead.
He's just been laying up in that branch this whole time.
Yo, don't do that, man.
He gonna come down and come for your face and claw your eyes out and shit.
My cousin had a ferret who did that.
- That squirrel is not giving one shit.
- Maybe he's retarded.
Maybe he's drunk.
What, you saying that little thing is the hooch bandit? Come on, y'all.
The bags are heavy, they were buried deep.
I don't think so.
He's not that little.
Maybe his daddy fucked a raccoon and he's one of those hybrid species.
A squacoon.
- His tail is kind of stripey-like.
- Thank you.
Squirrels and raccoons can't mate.
All right? They're, like, two totally different species.
Whatever he is, I think he's your problem.
You gotta defend your stash.
On the farm, my daddy used pee and cayenne pepper to keep the skunks away.
I suppose I should start out by apologizing, which I've had to do a lot through the years for George.
Although, this one really takes the cake.
I suppose I shouldn't mention cake because you probably You can have it.
"It"? The baby? I don't know if it's a boy or a girl.
It doesn't matter.
Either way, I don't want it.
My mom says you have a real nice house, so he'll have his own room and stuff.
Yes, that's true.
You seem upset.
I'm pregnant in prison, lady.
Were you really expecting for me to be all happy and glowy? No, no.
I just I thought I thought we would talk a little bit more.
What is there to say? I don't feel anything for this baby.
It's hard to have love for something that's camping out on your bladder.
I remember watching my ass turn into my Aunt Louise's.
It was not a good look.
But, um, I also remember having these really vivid dreams.
None of this is what dreams are made of.
It was just a mistake.
So, if you're trying to prove something by taking that on, God bless.
I am trying to prove something.
I know that's crazy, but I He was always Look, the nurse, when I was checking out of the hospital, handed me George all wrapped up in a blanket and said, "You have a difficult child.
Good luck.
" And she was right.
I should've done more, you know.
I was young and I was in a bad marriage, and you just realize stuff as time goes on.
So Look, he's my kid.
He's my responsibility even now.
And I love him, and I will love that baby.
And I'm gonna do this right, Miss Diaz.
I am committed.
All yours.
Are we done here? Oh, my God, you You don't even know me.
I mean, I I could be some kind of ax murderer who wants to make coats out of the skins of babies or something.
I watch a lot of true crime TV.
You want the baby, I said yes.
Why do you keep on pushing me? Because I'm afraid you'll change your mind.
I'm afraid that you'll snap out of this depression and wonder, "What was I thinking?" You got a paper? I'll sign it over right now.
You'll get your do-over baby, and I'll have a chance to start a new life where I just gotta worry about me.
You can't sign the paper until you've had the baby.
Oh, I get it now.
Is there somebody in here that you could talk to? You know, a professional or something? My counselor is an old white man who tries to connect by saying "Hola" in the hallway.
And lucky for you, my mom is all up for the deal.
I talk to her sometimes, mmm, when she's not being a total bitch.
Go team.
Well, I'm gonna come back and visit you again really soon, and we'll talk some more.
It was very nice to meet you, Dayanara.
Bye.
Check it out.
Oh, yeah! Mama's got a brand new bag! Uh 'Course fucking Chapman got it.
Oh! Fuck, yeah! That's me! Queen of the new job Yes! Ain't nobody's maid no more! No! Quit that.
How do you know that job's any good anyhow? Besides, I thought you liked cleaning.
No, but I failed, T! I should've answered the question in the reverse of how I felt.
The opposite of me is better.
The opposite of you is boring.
You're obviously too creative for that job.
You bitches get in? Hmm? No.
Oh, well, we promise not to throw our new high paying jobs in your face too much.
So, that's just business, right? You know, some cutthroat shit.
Oh, anyway.
So you think I need a fresh, new first day do? Yeah! Hook it up! Look hot! Curls! Get me some little spirals, some curls, you know what I'm saying? Like Hey, Gonzales, uh Congrats.
I saw you got in.
Seriously? Holy shit.
You know, I was psyching myself out the whole time.
But I guess my smarts must've kicked in anyhow.
So cool.
How about you? Nah.
Still stuck in the toilet, so to speak.
- Calgon, take me away.
- I'm sorry about that.
But you know, I'm gonna tell everybody I know to try to pee real neat from now on, okay? Make your life a little easier.
Thanks for that.
Come on.
Get out the way.
Hurry up.
Look how close our bunks are.
Now we can share each other's clothes.
They're announcing who got the new job assignment.
- You wanna go see? - Yeah, okay.
You still on the lookout for shanking belly dancers? To quote Philip K.
Dick, "It's strange how paranoia can link up with reality now and then.
" You know, Kubra probably loves me since I lied for him.
Maybe I'm his gal on the inside.
- Ha-ha.
- You know what I would use for my shank? - Your very own toothbrush.
- Fuck off.
Seriously, did he reach out to you after the trial? No, I'm just playing.
Or am I? Quit it, Piper.
You're freaking me out.
Be straight.
Did you talk to him? You have to tell me! Wait, like, if you were a drug dealer, hypothetically, and I was a narc and you're asking me if I was a cop? Yeah, exactly like that.
I have not been hired to kill you, Alex.
Or psychologically torture me? Well, not by Kubra's command.
Will you stop making light of this? There is a very real possibility that he would send someone for me.
Okay, you're right.
No, I'm I'm done.
Unless, of course, I'm hiding a weapon in my bra.
I think you need to check.
Everything boils down to control with you! All I'm saying is if you took Howard Street, rather than Maple, we would save three minutes on the drive.
It's not controlling, it's efficient.
It's three minutes.
And I enjoy the houses on Maple.
They're quaint.
The one with the, uh red painted door and the tire swing? It makes me think maybe the world's a nice place.
I'll take that thought over three minutes any day.
- My hours got cut.
- See, I was right.
I knew it.
Smoke and mirrors.
Sorry, Ford.
No, mine too.
In half.
Sons of bitches.
You think this is just us? Have we been slacking? You let an inmate steal a van and kill another inmate with it.
I mean, that's pretty egregious.
Suck it, O'Neill.
I was found to be not at fault for that.
No, this is them.
Corporate greed mongers.
So, who's covering the hours we're losing? More mongers.
They multiply like gremlins.
You still think the world's a nice place? Ooh-hoo.
Yeah! Mmm! Hey, what you think? Does this say swag? Great job not rubbing it in our faces.
Hey, I didn't say that.
Watson did.
Yo, did you talk to your girl, Poussey? She didn't take the test.
No! She too busy fighting off some imaginary drink-thieving raccquirrel to worry about this shit.
She's outside, pissing in circles, making "traps"! You need to come clean.
Tell her you took her shit 'fore she really get cracked.
Are her traps humane? Cartoon style, with a stick and a box.
Look, I'd rather see her running around like a fool - than sleeping and drinking all damn day.
- Mmm-hmm.
At least she's up and moving.
Up and moving and giving Looney Tunes here a run for her money.
Well, she's got a goal now.
I'll tell her eventually.
But, uh, don't rush.
Once you know Santa Claus isn't real, it's all downhill from there.
Okay, what the hell Santa Claus got to do with this? It's good to have something to believe in.
Giant drunky squirrels, Santa.
It's like the tests say, "Ideas are better than reality.
" And you agreed with that? - Mmm-hmm.
- Well, no wonder you didn't get the job.
The reality they was talking about was working your ass off for the man.
Your answer basically told the man to fuck off.
No, I didn't mean that.
Wait, so, do you think I should talk to somebody and say You know, explain myself? See, I think that ship has sailed, my dear.
- Mmm-hmm.
- Time to go sweep up some pube hives.
I like to think of them more like pube nests.
Everybody's got fucking opinions! Well, consolation Snickers on me later, scrub! Puff out! No.
Something is missing in my life.
No matter how much reading and gardening I do, my mind drifts.
- I have this need.
- Okay.
An overwhelming need.
A drive.
A hunger.
- A hunger? - Yes.
I am missing the heat, you know? That flush in my face that only comes from real Passion.
Oh, yeah.
I understand.
Give me something to be consumed with, Healy.
Sure it leaves me with blisters and burns and an aching back, but it's work, real work, and I yearn for it.
Are you talking about the kitchen? It is a proven fact that people in retirement are more likely to get Alzheimer's.
I don't want to become Jimmy, walking around with my underwear on my head.
I need purpose and stimulation.
Well, Mendoza's doing a fine job in the kitchen.
We have no reason to replace her.
So you'll have to You'll have to look somewhere else for your You'll have to find your purpose somewhere else.
I'm sure with this new regime, there will be changes.
Maybe you could slip this one through as well.
Please.
Comrade to comrade.
Look Red, this is protocol.
You got busted for those drugs.
There's no way Caputo's signing off on this.
You didn't get to where you are without knowing how to work the system.
I respect the system.
Don't you also respect me? Jesus, Red.
I thought you were different.
I bet a bunch of those girls didn't answer the questions honestly.
I ain't 100% sure I did.
Yeah, it was confusing.
I had to take a test like that one time, when I applied to be an RA.
- What's an RA? - A resident advisor.
Like, for my dorm in college.
I didn't get that one either.
We must be too emotional.
And that's bad? Um I mean, it doesn't make for a good employee.
Like, I read a horrible article this morning about this woman getting stoned in Iran for adultery, and it seriously made me so upset that I've folded this laundry, like, four times already.
Emotional equals unproductive, I guess.
- I like getting stoned.
- Who doesn't? Yeah.
Getting stoned.
Ooh.
It's so fun.
So, um Walmart.
Uh, how about Walmart? It's so big.
I went there once.
I noticed that there was a lot of cheap shit in there! Like, just everything you could ever want.
Someone check the hot dogs out there.
I bet they're running low.
I just refilled them.
Well, stay on them.
That no carb trend is back.
I'm up to my ears in buns.
Oh.
Look who decided to grace us with her presence.
Throw an apron on, we'll talk punishment later.
I got the job.
It's supposed to start in a few minutes.
I just wanted to come let you know.
Come? How considerate of you to show your front when you're turning your back on your family.
I earned it, Gloria.
You should be proud of me.
Because of that test? I heard some of the questions on that test.
It's not even about anything.
They were obviously about something, and I got 'em right.
Blanca took it, too, and she didn't get picked.
Oh.
So now you're better than us? What, you're chosen? Oh, watch out, Norma, Flaca is moving in on your territory.
That's right, I am better.
Better than all you bitches.
Maybe I got C's in high school because my personality is too complex for mainstream academics.
Some people are born for greatness.
How nice that prison could help you realize your full potential.
Fuck you.
_ Your budget is $800,000 _ _ _ Many private islands in the Keys sell for over $10 million.
_ - Marisol Gonzales? - Yes.
Can I talk to you for a minute? - You're under arrest.
- What are you talking about? _ Jason Anders is in critical condition.
You better hope he lives.
I do.
He's a nice kid, but that's not my fault.
You sold him a controlled substance.
I did not! I sold him a piece of paper.
That crazy was all him.
Listen to me, I sold him plain paper with nothing but water and print on it.
It was all fake! Yeah, well, his reaction to it was very real.
- And it's a crime regardless, so - No.
_ _ Ma'am, your daughter is under arrest for fraud and endangerment.
- It's all in the warrant.
- No, this is not real.
- No, this can't be real.
- Let's go, Officer.
- I didn't do nothing! No! - Officer, let's go.
No! No! It was paper! Ma'am, we can talk about it down at the precinct.
Hey, um, I understand the new job assignments were announced and Oh, yeah, yeah.
I read over that test.
Where did you come up with that? Oh, I just, uh, pulled that off the Internet.
Some kind of new assessment technique? Um, it was, like, a personality quiz or something.
I don't even know.
We didn't even read 'em.
Jones just pulled 40 out of a pile randomly and those were the winners.
That's your system? Random selection? My system is to make the ladies think that there is a system so they don't hate us for not getting the job, they're mad at themselves for not having what it takes.
But you reviewed the files of the women you selected, right? I mean, made sure there were no risks in that job placement? We'll have COs on post.
We've had a lot of success with this model.
I have to tell you that our model for not allowing violent criminals to work with sharp tools or arsonists in the kitchen hasn't been so bad either.
You're right.
No, I totally get it.
You're right.
I think what we'll do is we'll send you the list, and then if there are any red flags, you can send those back to us and we'll adjust accordingly.
Good thinking, Caputo.
Thanks a lot.
I feel really lucky you're here.
- Great.
- Great.
Great.
Congratulations on landing this coveted new job.
This is an opportunity for all of you to learn a very in-demand trade.
And we hope that you will take it as seriously as we did when selecting you.
Ladies, welcome to Whispers.
Cool.
You see that? We making panties?
Don't get up.
I'm all good, thanks.
Yo.
All right, all right.
Arms and the Man by Bernard Shaw.
You read that one before? Mmm-mmm.
After a horrifying sawing accident leaves him armless, the man sets out on a journey of self-discovery, realizing that legs can do everything that arms can! Is this what you do all day? Well, I mean, I got a nap scheduled later, too.
It probably means "arms" as in "weapons.
" Oh.
Yo, it could be both.
You know? Like, dude ain't got no arms, he gotta figure out how to hold his weapon with his feet.
Like, "Freeze, bitch!" Ain't you got anything better to do with yourself? Did you not hear about that nap situation? Man, you fuckin' lucky 'cause maintenance sucks, yo.
You should see what piles up in the corners of the showers.
Little pube-tropolis of buildings and shit for spiders and bacteria living their lives, growing Well, see, you went urban, right? I would've said a hair jungle, right? Spiders be jumpin' from pube to pube.
Bacteria's all like, "Fuck.
It rains a lot in here.
Get off me.
" Did you hear about the new job crew? Supposed to pay a buck an hour.
A buck an hour? Shit, whatever that is, it's probably way worse than pube town.
Oh, it's a pube town now? Man, this place ain't fool you enough with that job fair bullshit? Um, excuse me, pause.
I got two Cherry Pepsis off of that mug, plus, bragging rights.
Yo, fuck that, man.
My job is the shit, you know? I mean, worth way more than buck an hour.
You cannot put a price on Entspannung.
That's "relaxation.
" Case in point, I'ma go take me a dip in the honey jar.
Um, it's 8:00 in the morning.
You drinking already? It's always 5:00 in prison.
Oh What the fuck? What's up? Yo! My honey's been jacked.
Winnie the Pooh: Tales from the Ghetto.
- Man, these were full yesterday.
- Maybe some animal got to 'em.
You're forgetting we living with a bunch of thieves.
Man.
Hey, boss? I still haven't heard anything from these corporate guys about our benefits.
And I finally got my prescriptions set up online, you know, with our old plan.
Had to pay my niece 50 bucks to help me figure it out.
Please, please tell me there aren't gonna be any changes.
I haven't heard.
C-Dorm got their new mattresses this morning.
Plus, stall doors on all the bathrooms.
Smoke and mirrors.
I know it, and I don't trust it.
Did you two walk through the door into a paying job this morning? Uh-huh.
You're welcome.
- Is everything all right? - I needed to cool off.
I'm sweating in places I didn't even know that sweated.
Well, stick an ice cube in your bra and get back to work.
I gotta get these inventory numbers to the new guys by 3:00.
Where's Norma? I thought she was helping.
_ _ _ _ I wouldn't mind handling a big hose.
I hear they're setting up a call center.
Uh? With my sexy voice, I'll be making mad commissions.
Commissions? Right.
You get 10% of nothing on every nothing you nothing.
Look, nobody here is applying to the new job, comprende? We got a good thing going here.
Norma! One potato, two potato! Start counting! And the rest of you, start slicing carrots.
And be grateful that you're not scrubbing toilets no more.
What you got there? Oh, you busting out on your own now? No? Right.
Go count that with the others.
Vamos! I need numbers! What if it turns out to be, like, picking up trash on the side of the road? They don't pay that much for dummy work.
Nah, whatever it is, it's gonna take skills and smarts.
Yeah, what're you gonna wow them with? Your eyeliner skills, or your smarts about how many words rhyme with bleak in emo songs? Fuck you and your stupid sad face.
We didn't take your baby away, okay? Yeah? You should shut up about shit you don't know about.
- You should shut up, you know.
- Hey! At least I got ambition.
_ _ _ _ _ _ Whoa! You, go scrub some pans.
- What? Gross.
She started this shit! - Now! I'm so done with this depressing-ass place.
_ I just really miss you.
I'm so jealous.
Oh, baby, it's work.
And it's fuckin' Kesha.
You're not missing anything.
Seriously.
When you gonna let me sell with you? Or sell my own stuff? My phone bill is, like, crazy every month.
Just give me a little something.
The kids at my school are, like, dying for it.
If you need money for your phone bill, I got you.
I wanna make my own money.
So, I can buy you a present.
You're my present, baby.
_ _ I gotta go, baby.
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ This is for a wedding? It's got no back.
It's Emma Stone's Golden Globe dress.
The peach one.
But Mrs.
Ramirez is, like, 57.
She's still got a nice back.
It looks really good.
I know.
I do good work.
But even if I didn't I'm gonna sew a Calvin Klein label on it.
So now you're Theresa Gonzales for Calvin Klein.
Hey, more often than not, people believe what you tell them.
What's all this scuttlebutt with the new job assignment? Scuttlebutt? The gossip, the lowdown, the 411.
Oh.
Someone said it was a party planning job.
I stopped listening after that.
Electrical sucks without Nicky's running commentary.
I wouldn't mind a new job assignment.
- Is my look off-putting? - Off-putting? Harsh, scary not pleasing.
There is a certain hardness to your overall thing.
Listen to you, being frank and honest.
Good.
Now, tell me how to soften things.
I thought that you and Dmitri were kaput.
That was not an invitation to pry into my life.
A little beauty advice is all I'm after.
Beauty comes from the inside.
Hmm.
However smudging the corner of your eyeliner, not spiking your hair, and a lighter lip couldn't hurt.
Um Ha! Hey, Pearson.
Morning.
You know, Danny's fine.
Oh, well, we mostly use last names around here.
Cool, cool.
Yeah, whatever you think makes sense.
You need to go? Oh, no.
No, uh I just I had My hands I had to wash my hands.
Sometimes I need to count five metal objects before I can pee.
Huh? Door hinge, door hinge, flusher, tap, faucet.
Got this place wired.
After you.
Oh.
Sure.
So you guys fired the warden.
That was a surprise.
Yeah.
Well, we absorbed the position.
Whatever that means.
Like we had soaked him up or something, but, uh Good news for you though is, uh, you know, you're our main man on the ground.
- Everyone's been very happy so far.
- Oh, great.
Great.
I I was thinking, maybe we could have a meeting, all of us, old, new.
- Make sure we're on the same page.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
Sure, sure.
No, I think Jones or maybe Carson is setting something like that up.
Everyone's checking their calendars.
It takes forever, you know what I mean? Just like, everyone wants to be the alpha dog.
This time! That time! Woof! But, uh, I'll make the call on it soon.
- You'll make the call? - Yeah.
Yeah, I'll let you know.
Mr.
Caputo? Oh! I made these for you.
Look at that.
Any word on that new job situation? Unconfirmed, Black.
Keep moving.
Fine.
But I want you to know that I have a wide array of talents, besides the criminal and papier-mâché variety.
- Oh, I am sure you do.
- Good.
How do they, uh, know about the job? Well, you're renovating a building out there that's been empty since the '90s.
Any sniff in a break in the monotony, and these girls are all over it.
In fact, that was one of the things I was hoping we could all discuss.
You throw off the whole prison economy when you introduce a job that's paying 10 times the going rate.
I mean, it could get ugly.
Yeah, I could see that.
Well, we, uh We have a system that I think will limit the ugliness.
- A system? - Yeah.
That's great.
Well, maybe we can talk more about that? Sure, yeah.
Talk right now.
Go up to my office, I could pour us a couple big glasses of water.
- I, um - You have to pee, don't ya? Very much so.
All right.
To be continued.
Okay, okay.
- Oh! - Oh.
- Hello, Red.
- Hello! Were you coming by to see me? Came in for a drink of water.
It's a beautiful day.
Is it? I was stuck inside doing paperwork.
- Oh.
- Who's the real prisoner? Still me, I think.
Hey.
You look, I don't know You look lighter.
I feel lighter.
The new regime has fixed all the soap dispensers.
Feels like opportunities are sprouting up all around us.
It's funny that you say that.
Just the other day I was talking to someone Hey, Healy.
I got a question for you.
- Reznikov, is it? - Red.
Berdie.
Sorry to interrupt.
Um, do you know who I can get to drill a hole in my desk? I wanna run my lamp and computer cords through so they're not all hanging out there, you know.
When you need something like that done, it needs to be cleared through Admin first.
What? That's silly.
Who's on maintenance crew? You're on your own with this one.
Come on, give me a name.
Try Portolino or Wiggins.
They'll be able to help you.
Awesome, thank you.
You should come visit me, Red.
Check out my clean, cordless environment.
We'll have a cup of tea.
See you later, Healy.
Not enjoying your new colleague, hmm? She's perky.
I mean, who's that perky? I agree.
Perk is for coffee.
It's deplorable in people.
You missed a button.
There you go.
Now you're perfect.
Thank you.
I was just gonna go and, uh get myself a perky cup of coffee in the break room.
Well, don't drink too much.
Coffee can inflame the lining of the small intestine and lead to irritable bowels.
I'll keep that in mind.
You know what some cultures do to people who steal eggs? They cut their hands off.
According to my last count, you owe me four fucking hands.
When I helped you out with the Vee situation, we had a little cross-cultural understanding.
But I don't remember giving you permission to set up your own shop, Magic Norma.
Especially not for free.
And especially when you don't know what the fuck you're doing.
Santeria is some serious shit.
You start messing around, you piss off the orishas! Mira, I I don't need that on me.
And that's why I'm gonna take back my candle.
Oh, look.
My eggs, my beads, my honey.
This ain't your history.
It ain't your culture.
It stops now.
Fine, you can keep the honey, but it's for eating only.
I see you anointing anything with this, it's gonna be the last sweet thing in your life.
I don't care what Gloria says, I'm going for it.
Gonna kill that interview like at the job fair.
But you lost job fair.
Yeah, but this time there won't be an audience, so they won't get all, like, PC, and give it to the fat mayate so she don't get all sad.
Gloria's right, though.
It's good all of us together.
Who knows who they'll stick in to replace you.
What if she's mean or likes Coldplay or something? It's all gelling right now.
So, I'm supposed to put on that feo hair net and scrub pots and pans every day because it's gelling? I'm so much better than that.
- You saying you're better than me? - No! You're good, too.
All I'm saying is that I got aspirations.
I always have, even in here.
You know, when I wear that apron in the kitchen I'm really wearing it ironically.
Wow.
I had no idea.
So I thought, I gotta do like my mom and just knock it off.
You can do, like, chemistry? Nah, nah.
Not even.
So I found, like, blotter clip art.
I printed it out.
I wet it a little bit.
Then, I blow dried it, made little squares, and I was in business.
Selling fake designer acid.
Brought it to the game on Friday.
By halftime, sold out.
- What? - I made some more yesterday.
Little cherries, so cute.
And check it, bought me some flatforms! Oh! Those are cute.
They're like flats and platforms in one? Wow.
That's why they're called flatforms, dumb-ass.
Yo, Marisol.
Hey, Arturo.
Arturo's friends.
Willy said he saw green alien guys when he was tripping on your shit.
- They were leprechauns.
- Dude, aliens sounds so much cooler.
But they had little hats.
Aliens can't have little hats because of their antennas or whatever.
Do you think you could hook us up again? My boy Jason here wants to try it.
Lately, he's been kind of down.
Yeah, I could hook you up.
But remember, it's not for escaping reality, it's for, like, embracing it.
Yes, ma'am.
Oh, my God.
It's totally working.
- People will believe what you tell 'em.
- Until they don't.
Someone's gonna come back pissed and ask for a refund, or punch you in the face or something.
No, no, no, no, no.
If they come back, I say, "Hold up.
What happened when you took it?" And if they say, "Nothing," I say, "What is nothing? Because some people say there was nothing when the universe was created, but, like isn't empty space still something? Open your mind to the possibilities.
Maybe you're not doin' it right.
" And then, they come back because they feel like they didn't do it right.
Girl, I thought this shit through.
- You're such a mad genius.
- Yup.
Look at you! Round and round.
Round all around.
That's nice.
Just get to it.
Did you find him? Daya, that fucker hobbled away into the sunset.
I got into his house, nothing left except some shitty clothes.
I found a mug in the sink that looked like a grenade.
I thought that was cool.
I saved that for you.
But he's gone.
Daya, fuck that guy.
You're better off.
He had one leg.
I mean, you go around losing body parts, that's some pretty irresponsible shit! I was such a bitch.
I drove him away.
You have a life growing inside of you.
That makes you say and do all kinds of crazy shit that make no sense.
But a real man knows he has to suck it up and take it for nine months.
Maybe you get a little side action if need be.
But you don't split.
Even your loser father stuck around till you was two.
The leaving is on him, that's not on you.
So, what's gonna happen now? You're gonna take the baby, right? Uh Whoa.
Daya, I love you and I love your mother, but shit is real hard out here, okay? And then, your holy abuela, you know, she hookin' up with some old dude that she met in tai chi.
Hardly ever see her anymore! Christina.
Christina got some decent mommy skills.
Maybe she can take care of the baby for a little while.
She's in junior high.
So what? Junior high will still be there! Plus, she's already done, what, two years? Yo, it's all good.
It's all good.
I actually thought he loved me.
And he probably did, Daya.
All guys love you.
Because you're such a good girl.
But you know what? Sometimes love ain't stronger than débil.
That guy was a bitch! This inside me? It feels like a grenade right now.
And soon, it's gonna blow up and take me with it.
It's not a mug.
My poor baby, man.
I'm sorry, Daya.
If it makes you feel any better, next time I see that motherfucker, I'm gonna rape his ass with a broken bottle, and I'm gonna shoot him in the stomach so he bleeds slow.
- That I'm gonna do for you.
- Thank you.
You're welcome.
You need to complete the test in 12 minutes.
Twelve minutes.
Be honest with your answers.
And all pencils must be returned at the end of the test.
If you do not return your pencils, you will be given a - Present.
- shot.
Well, look who's here.
_ _ _ A test? Shit, I fucking suck at taking tests! I get all itchy and anxious.
I can't think straight.
_ Don't turn the test over till I say begin.
Now I know they serious about this job.
Written test? Damn! They probably got us building warheads or some shit all day.
You really think they'll have felons making weapons? I don't know.
I heard the new guys are military contractors.
- Mmm.
- I'm sure they up to some evil.
Have us making napalm or - weaponizing smallpox.
- Mmm-hmm.
Well, whatever it is, we gonna be leaving up here with fish gills and extra fingers.
That's not how mutation works.
Oh, really? How's it work? Our babies would the ones born with the fish gills and extra fingers.
What we'd have is a bunch of different cancers and lesions.
Shit like that.
Y'all so worried, don't take the test.
It gives me a better chance.
It still make 89 cents more than the warehouse.
I got my eye on that $16 fan in commissary.
Or you can just use your extra finger hand that you gonna have.
All right, ladies.
You may begin.
What the fuck? "True or false? Ideas are more important than real things.
" Shh! We are not supposed to discuss the questions.
Check out question three.
"Agree or disagree? Most people are brave.
" Now, my thoughts on bravery are supposed to tell them I'm a good employee, how? So easy.
All right.
Okay.
"I can feel overcome with wonder in nature.
" Well, I can feel that way, but I shouldn't say that, right? I mean, no one wants a tree hugger working for them.
Unless, they're one of those eco companies that makes, like, bamboo forks.
What have you guys heard? - Shh! - Quiet, ladies! Let's make a deal that if one of us gets it and the other one doesn't, then we don't take it.
Like you even need to say anything.
"I spend most of my time trying to understand things.
I spend most of my time trying to understand things.
" What are they getting at? Will you shut up? I'm trying to concentrate.
"I believe people are basically moral.
" Agree.
- You're supposed to answer honest.
- I do believe that.
_ You gotta think deeper than that.
People wanna be good.
- They really do, deep down.
- Mmm.
But they just fuck up.
I thought they were gonna, like, be interviewing us, not giving us some weird-ass brain test.
Quiet, Gonzales! _ Would you say that I "keep in the background"? I'm having a hard enough time figuring out these questions for myself.
What, I gotta answer yours now, too? Please! Sorry.
I'm gonna go with yes, I keep in the background.
My mother always said that silence can be the loudest thing.
But she never shut the fuck up.
Oh, Lordy, this is hard.
Quiet down, ladies.
Hey! What'd you put for 15? I'm blowing it.
See.
Now I'm getting all itchy.
- Shh! - You, shh! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Who can concentrate in here? Gonzales, you're done.
- I didn't finish yet.
- Yes, you're done.
Hand over your test and your pencil.
_ _ I don't speak Spanish, so I'm going to assume you said, "Have a nice day.
" Ooh.
Fuck you.
Another one bites the dust.
- Wanna help me spend some money? - What happened to saving for a car? I think I need to invest in some more emotional clothing right now, you know, and worry about the car later.
I need to dress for my authentic self.
- Mmm-hmm.
- And for Ian.
- Yo, what the fuck? - Yes.
You see me now? Because I see me.
It's Jason, I think he's fucked up.
I'm like a self-mirror.
_ I am silver and shimmery! Jason, you fucking idiot! I'm failing Math and Western Civ.
Everybody's failing Western Civ! How did he even get up there? Fuck it.
Oh, no.
You should plant some kale.
I hear it's become very popular.
The stuff that stays all day on a deli platter? That's a garnish, not something to eat.
It's supposed be loaded with vitamins.
Hey, you were right.
Gorgeous day.
Hey there, Jones, you ol' string bean.
Hello.
Speaking of string beans, Jones has some requests for the vegetable garden.
Now don't go getting any funny ideas with me now, you old burner.
I do know what a wacky tabacky leaf looks like.
- Excuse me, I have somewhere nicer to be.
- Ohhh Oh, no.
Stay.
Have a little more fun with us.
- Sit.
- Such fun.
Yeah, I was at a hippie music festival once.
Must have been, like, 10 or so.
Mother was away and my older brother was in charge of me.
His buddies and I, we hitchhiked there.
Healy, such a rebel.
Oh, no, no, no.
I was scared out of my mind.
For two days, I was living with a golf ball stuck in my throat, choking back the tears.
It was absolute chaos.
Pouring rain, nobody seemed to care.
And people just kept wandering around.
They were dancing completely naked, filthy with the mud.
It was, like, unbelievable.
Were you at Woodstock? Somewhere upstate.
Plus, somebody stole my Johnny Unitas football.
I never wanted to be home so badly.
You guys understand that, right? Sounds like it was very traumatizing for you.
I don't know.
My brother, he's an insurance appraiser now.
Mostly boats and other watercraft.
This is nice.
Fresh air.
Good company.
So, she wants this.
Does that look edible to you? - How you think you did? - Who can tell? Come on.
We just got started! Man, I pluck my chin hairs.
Ain't that upkeep enough? - I got to run, too? - Mind, body.
You know, I'm just now realizing, I'm pretty damn happy with both those departments.
I'm walking! - Come on.
- Uh-uh.
To the green house, then we can slow it down.
Let's go! - Man, if I sweat my hair out - Come on! Let's go! Titties flappin' everywhere! Please tell me that's a margarita.
Yeah.
Lemonade.
Made from the finest powdered ingredients the commissary has to offer.
Mmm.
- With the pink sweetener, not the blue.
- Nice.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Thank you.
God, I've been laying manure for the last four hours.
The latest rumor is that our new corporate overlords are gonna be testing genetically modified wheat out here.
See? Who says prison doesn't prepare you for the outside world? You know, when we get out of here I could find electrical work, you could landscape.
We could drive a pickup truck.
We would be living lesbian stereotypes.
We could stop shaving and start camping.
We could go to golf tournaments.
No? No.
No golf.
Who's that girl? - She's not in orange, so she's not new.
- Hmm.
I've never seen her before, and then today twice in one day.
It's a prison phenomenon.
It's like when you think you've seen everyone, you suddenly notice that there's a girl with a port wine birthmark on her face that has been working with you in electrical since you got here and you'd never seen her before.
No, that phenomenon is called self-absorbed.
Seriously, something is up with her.
She's super sketchy, and clearly her Disney Princess is Jasmine.
Look! Look! She just looked at me.
Twice in one day out of nowhere, Piper.
It's weird.
And he knows that I'm in here.
So So, you're saying that Kubra found a girl who was headed to prison, or better yet, convinced someone to get arrested, charged, sent to prison, and then manipulated it so that they would be assigned here, specifically so they could get you? I'm telling you, he's twisted.
He plays the long game.
He's too smart to send in a girl who looks like she's from Cyprus.
That's a rookie move.
You're a paranoid racist.
She probably just thinks you're cute.
But if she tries to hit on you I will smack a bitch down.
Hmm.
I've heard girls talking about you, saying you can offer help.
I'm in a pretty dark place.
Is this like a guru situation? I went to see Amma once.
The hugging saint.
We waited for three hours to get hugged, but then Seamus said he felt sick.
He said it was from the sun and the chia pudding, but I'm pretty sure he just got impatient.
I could've used that hug.
I don't know why I didn't stay.
Yes, I do.
I didn't stay so Seamus and Meadow could go back to the lake and have sex and do slackline.
So, I missed my hug.
Do those sound like good friends to you? I mean why don't I have people in my life who really care about me? Maybe it's me.
I've been lazy.
But there are connections to be made in here, right? I mean, I see people who care about each other all over this place.
And they were all new once.
Yeah.
That makes sense.
Oh.
I get it.
This is your thing.
You give people this meaningful stare, and people project their feelings onto it.
It's really soothing.
I feel better.
Thank you.
Inmates, no touching.
Oh, thanks.
Thanks for helping.
Yeah.
You steal from someone who's giving it away for free.
That's, like double negative karma.
Yeah, it is pretty fucked up.
You know this isn't gonna be ready for, like, another week or so, right? - A week? - Yeah.
_ Fuck Rome.
_ You got any suspects? You know, it could be Papadakis.
I know a couple of girls got sick off her shit.
Yo, maybe she's trying to steal my secret ingredient! - Cinnamon! - Watermelon! No, and no! All right? Fuck you.
I ain't telling you.
I think that squirrel's dead.
He's just been laying up in that branch this whole time.
Yo, don't do that, man.
He gonna come down and come for your face and claw your eyes out and shit.
My cousin had a ferret who did that.
- That squirrel is not giving one shit.
- Maybe he's retarded.
Maybe he's drunk.
What, you saying that little thing is the hooch bandit? Come on, y'all.
The bags are heavy, they were buried deep.
I don't think so.
He's not that little.
Maybe his daddy fucked a raccoon and he's one of those hybrid species.
A squacoon.
- His tail is kind of stripey-like.
- Thank you.
Squirrels and raccoons can't mate.
All right? They're, like, two totally different species.
Whatever he is, I think he's your problem.
You gotta defend your stash.
On the farm, my daddy used pee and cayenne pepper to keep the skunks away.
I suppose I should start out by apologizing, which I've had to do a lot through the years for George.
Although, this one really takes the cake.
I suppose I shouldn't mention cake because you probably You can have it.
"It"? The baby? I don't know if it's a boy or a girl.
It doesn't matter.
Either way, I don't want it.
My mom says you have a real nice house, so he'll have his own room and stuff.
Yes, that's true.
You seem upset.
I'm pregnant in prison, lady.
Were you really expecting for me to be all happy and glowy? No, no.
I just I thought I thought we would talk a little bit more.
What is there to say? I don't feel anything for this baby.
It's hard to have love for something that's camping out on your bladder.
I remember watching my ass turn into my Aunt Louise's.
It was not a good look.
But, um, I also remember having these really vivid dreams.
None of this is what dreams are made of.
It was just a mistake.
So, if you're trying to prove something by taking that on, God bless.
I am trying to prove something.
I know that's crazy, but I He was always Look, the nurse, when I was checking out of the hospital, handed me George all wrapped up in a blanket and said, "You have a difficult child.
Good luck.
" And she was right.
I should've done more, you know.
I was young and I was in a bad marriage, and you just realize stuff as time goes on.
So Look, he's my kid.
He's my responsibility even now.
And I love him, and I will love that baby.
And I'm gonna do this right, Miss Diaz.
I am committed.
All yours.
Are we done here? Oh, my God, you You don't even know me.
I mean, I I could be some kind of ax murderer who wants to make coats out of the skins of babies or something.
I watch a lot of true crime TV.
You want the baby, I said yes.
Why do you keep on pushing me? Because I'm afraid you'll change your mind.
I'm afraid that you'll snap out of this depression and wonder, "What was I thinking?" You got a paper? I'll sign it over right now.
You'll get your do-over baby, and I'll have a chance to start a new life where I just gotta worry about me.
You can't sign the paper until you've had the baby.
Oh, I get it now.
Is there somebody in here that you could talk to? You know, a professional or something? My counselor is an old white man who tries to connect by saying "Hola" in the hallway.
And lucky for you, my mom is all up for the deal.
I talk to her sometimes, mmm, when she's not being a total bitch.
Go team.
Well, I'm gonna come back and visit you again really soon, and we'll talk some more.
It was very nice to meet you, Dayanara.
Bye.
Check it out.
Oh, yeah! Mama's got a brand new bag! Uh 'Course fucking Chapman got it.
Oh! Fuck, yeah! That's me! Queen of the new job Yes! Ain't nobody's maid no more! No! Quit that.
How do you know that job's any good anyhow? Besides, I thought you liked cleaning.
No, but I failed, T! I should've answered the question in the reverse of how I felt.
The opposite of me is better.
The opposite of you is boring.
You're obviously too creative for that job.
You bitches get in? Hmm? No.
Oh, well, we promise not to throw our new high paying jobs in your face too much.
So, that's just business, right? You know, some cutthroat shit.
Oh, anyway.
So you think I need a fresh, new first day do? Yeah! Hook it up! Look hot! Curls! Get me some little spirals, some curls, you know what I'm saying? Like Hey, Gonzales, uh Congrats.
I saw you got in.
Seriously? Holy shit.
You know, I was psyching myself out the whole time.
But I guess my smarts must've kicked in anyhow.
So cool.
How about you? Nah.
Still stuck in the toilet, so to speak.
- Calgon, take me away.
- I'm sorry about that.
But you know, I'm gonna tell everybody I know to try to pee real neat from now on, okay? Make your life a little easier.
Thanks for that.
Come on.
Get out the way.
Hurry up.
Look how close our bunks are.
Now we can share each other's clothes.
They're announcing who got the new job assignment.
- You wanna go see? - Yeah, okay.
You still on the lookout for shanking belly dancers? To quote Philip K.
Dick, "It's strange how paranoia can link up with reality now and then.
" You know, Kubra probably loves me since I lied for him.
Maybe I'm his gal on the inside.
- Ha-ha.
- You know what I would use for my shank? - Your very own toothbrush.
- Fuck off.
Seriously, did he reach out to you after the trial? No, I'm just playing.
Or am I? Quit it, Piper.
You're freaking me out.
Be straight.
Did you talk to him? You have to tell me! Wait, like, if you were a drug dealer, hypothetically, and I was a narc and you're asking me if I was a cop? Yeah, exactly like that.
I have not been hired to kill you, Alex.
Or psychologically torture me? Well, not by Kubra's command.
Will you stop making light of this? There is a very real possibility that he would send someone for me.
Okay, you're right.
No, I'm I'm done.
Unless, of course, I'm hiding a weapon in my bra.
I think you need to check.
Everything boils down to control with you! All I'm saying is if you took Howard Street, rather than Maple, we would save three minutes on the drive.
It's not controlling, it's efficient.
It's three minutes.
And I enjoy the houses on Maple.
They're quaint.
The one with the, uh red painted door and the tire swing? It makes me think maybe the world's a nice place.
I'll take that thought over three minutes any day.
- My hours got cut.
- See, I was right.
I knew it.
Smoke and mirrors.
Sorry, Ford.
No, mine too.
In half.
Sons of bitches.
You think this is just us? Have we been slacking? You let an inmate steal a van and kill another inmate with it.
I mean, that's pretty egregious.
Suck it, O'Neill.
I was found to be not at fault for that.
No, this is them.
Corporate greed mongers.
So, who's covering the hours we're losing? More mongers.
They multiply like gremlins.
You still think the world's a nice place? Ooh-hoo.
Yeah! Mmm! Hey, what you think? Does this say swag? Great job not rubbing it in our faces.
Hey, I didn't say that.
Watson did.
Yo, did you talk to your girl, Poussey? She didn't take the test.
No! She too busy fighting off some imaginary drink-thieving raccquirrel to worry about this shit.
She's outside, pissing in circles, making "traps"! You need to come clean.
Tell her you took her shit 'fore she really get cracked.
Are her traps humane? Cartoon style, with a stick and a box.
Look, I'd rather see her running around like a fool - than sleeping and drinking all damn day.
- Mmm-hmm.
At least she's up and moving.
Up and moving and giving Looney Tunes here a run for her money.
Well, she's got a goal now.
I'll tell her eventually.
But, uh, don't rush.
Once you know Santa Claus isn't real, it's all downhill from there.
Okay, what the hell Santa Claus got to do with this? It's good to have something to believe in.
Giant drunky squirrels, Santa.
It's like the tests say, "Ideas are better than reality.
" And you agreed with that? - Mmm-hmm.
- Well, no wonder you didn't get the job.
The reality they was talking about was working your ass off for the man.
Your answer basically told the man to fuck off.
No, I didn't mean that.
Wait, so, do you think I should talk to somebody and say You know, explain myself? See, I think that ship has sailed, my dear.
- Mmm-hmm.
- Time to go sweep up some pube hives.
I like to think of them more like pube nests.
Everybody's got fucking opinions! Well, consolation Snickers on me later, scrub! Puff out! No.
Something is missing in my life.
No matter how much reading and gardening I do, my mind drifts.
- I have this need.
- Okay.
An overwhelming need.
A drive.
A hunger.
- A hunger? - Yes.
I am missing the heat, you know? That flush in my face that only comes from real Passion.
Oh, yeah.
I understand.
Give me something to be consumed with, Healy.
Sure it leaves me with blisters and burns and an aching back, but it's work, real work, and I yearn for it.
Are you talking about the kitchen? It is a proven fact that people in retirement are more likely to get Alzheimer's.
I don't want to become Jimmy, walking around with my underwear on my head.
I need purpose and stimulation.
Well, Mendoza's doing a fine job in the kitchen.
We have no reason to replace her.
So you'll have to You'll have to look somewhere else for your You'll have to find your purpose somewhere else.
I'm sure with this new regime, there will be changes.
Maybe you could slip this one through as well.
Please.
Comrade to comrade.
Look Red, this is protocol.
You got busted for those drugs.
There's no way Caputo's signing off on this.
You didn't get to where you are without knowing how to work the system.
I respect the system.
Don't you also respect me? Jesus, Red.
I thought you were different.
I bet a bunch of those girls didn't answer the questions honestly.
I ain't 100% sure I did.
Yeah, it was confusing.
I had to take a test like that one time, when I applied to be an RA.
- What's an RA? - A resident advisor.
Like, for my dorm in college.
I didn't get that one either.
We must be too emotional.
And that's bad? Um I mean, it doesn't make for a good employee.
Like, I read a horrible article this morning about this woman getting stoned in Iran for adultery, and it seriously made me so upset that I've folded this laundry, like, four times already.
Emotional equals unproductive, I guess.
- I like getting stoned.
- Who doesn't? Yeah.
Getting stoned.
Ooh.
It's so fun.
So, um Walmart.
Uh, how about Walmart? It's so big.
I went there once.
I noticed that there was a lot of cheap shit in there! Like, just everything you could ever want.
Someone check the hot dogs out there.
I bet they're running low.
I just refilled them.
Well, stay on them.
That no carb trend is back.
I'm up to my ears in buns.
Oh.
Look who decided to grace us with her presence.
Throw an apron on, we'll talk punishment later.
I got the job.
It's supposed to start in a few minutes.
I just wanted to come let you know.
Come? How considerate of you to show your front when you're turning your back on your family.
I earned it, Gloria.
You should be proud of me.
Because of that test? I heard some of the questions on that test.
It's not even about anything.
They were obviously about something, and I got 'em right.
Blanca took it, too, and she didn't get picked.
Oh.
So now you're better than us? What, you're chosen? Oh, watch out, Norma, Flaca is moving in on your territory.
That's right, I am better.
Better than all you bitches.
Maybe I got C's in high school because my personality is too complex for mainstream academics.
Some people are born for greatness.
How nice that prison could help you realize your full potential.
Fuck you.
_ Your budget is $800,000 _ _ _ Many private islands in the Keys sell for over $10 million.
_ - Marisol Gonzales? - Yes.
Can I talk to you for a minute? - You're under arrest.
- What are you talking about? _ Jason Anders is in critical condition.
You better hope he lives.
I do.
He's a nice kid, but that's not my fault.
You sold him a controlled substance.
I did not! I sold him a piece of paper.
That crazy was all him.
Listen to me, I sold him plain paper with nothing but water and print on it.
It was all fake! Yeah, well, his reaction to it was very real.
- And it's a crime regardless, so - No.
_ _ Ma'am, your daughter is under arrest for fraud and endangerment.
- It's all in the warrant.
- No, this is not real.
- No, this can't be real.
- Let's go, Officer.
- I didn't do nothing! No! - Officer, let's go.
No! No! It was paper! Ma'am, we can talk about it down at the precinct.
Hey, um, I understand the new job assignments were announced and Oh, yeah, yeah.
I read over that test.
Where did you come up with that? Oh, I just, uh, pulled that off the Internet.
Some kind of new assessment technique? Um, it was, like, a personality quiz or something.
I don't even know.
We didn't even read 'em.
Jones just pulled 40 out of a pile randomly and those were the winners.
That's your system? Random selection? My system is to make the ladies think that there is a system so they don't hate us for not getting the job, they're mad at themselves for not having what it takes.
But you reviewed the files of the women you selected, right? I mean, made sure there were no risks in that job placement? We'll have COs on post.
We've had a lot of success with this model.
I have to tell you that our model for not allowing violent criminals to work with sharp tools or arsonists in the kitchen hasn't been so bad either.
You're right.
No, I totally get it.
You're right.
I think what we'll do is we'll send you the list, and then if there are any red flags, you can send those back to us and we'll adjust accordingly.
Good thinking, Caputo.
Thanks a lot.
I feel really lucky you're here.
- Great.
- Great.
Great.
Congratulations on landing this coveted new job.
This is an opportunity for all of you to learn a very in-demand trade.
And we hope that you will take it as seriously as we did when selecting you.
Ladies, welcome to Whispers.
Cool.
You see that? We making panties?