Perfect Couples s01e02 Episode Script
Pilot
Cherished partner, I honor your need to be comfortable, yet when you leave me so little room, it makes me feel unloved.
Cherished partner, I hear you.
Now I know when I leave you so little room you feel unloved.
[Groaning shakily.]
Hey, sweetheart, yeah, I see you've chosen to take up 95% of the bed.
No, no, no, no, no.
Don't get up.
Clearly, your comfort is the only thing in the world that matters, so please, take the other 5% too.
I'm just gonna sleep on the floor like a dog.
You want more room? You want some more room? Ah, here we go.
Both: And by revealing our needs, we forge a bond two becoming one.
[Snoring.]
Is this in the way? Are these taking up too much space For you? Oh, please! I belong on the floor The wet floor.
Bravo.
[Clapping.]
Luke.
[Luke barking.]
Luke.
You woke Julia up! Honey, it's okay.
He's just a dog.
No, it's not okay.
She works hard, Luke.
No, no, no.
You just go back to bed, honey.
You just go back to bed.
I am sorry about Luke.
Damn it! [Whispers.]
Good boy.
You're right about that, book.
I feel heard and validated.
[Groans.]
Oh You two, us two, a boat, some kick-a Napa Cabernets, my business associates - the ultimate party.
Yeah.
There's no way we said yes to that.
It's on the books.
We're so excited! You owe us $300.
Wait Nope, nope.
That's our anniversary.
Yes.
Damn it.
Is it? Yeah.
Oh, my God! That's perfect, sis! Family celebrating family! [Singsong.]
It's happening.
Mom's dying wish.
She made me promise to bring you two closer.
God, she loved you, Leigh.
I know.
- Can you excuse us a second? - Sure! Now, before we dismiss this out of hand, I know for a fact that Rex's business associates have a ton of sex jokes.
Honey, we spend so much time with our friends.
- All I want is one night alone.
- And you're gonna have it.
We can get out of Saturday.
We just need to give them something Friday instead.
So what's something Friday that we can do with them that will excite them as well as Vance? Vance? Um, who's talking about Vance? I made plans with him for Friday, and you know I cannot cancel on Vance.
You wanna cancel on me on this of all nights? Honey, I am trying to give you your night.
I wanna give it to you.
I wanna make your brother happy.
And Vance.
Hmm.
I'm curious to hear how you indulging your friend will actually be a favor to me.
I'm curious too.
That's the fun part of all this.
It's live.
You never know where I'm gonna go.
Ooh, I just figured out what we're gonna do Friday.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Don't do that.
Don't try to make everyone happy.
That's not what this is.
This definitely won't make you happy.
Okay, we can't do Saturday, but how about on Friday night we do something that for years Game night? Game night? Game night? Game night? You never let me have game night! Thank you! [Both grunt.]
Come on, dude, stop it.
- We're not 11 anymore.
- Oh, we're not 11? Then why are you hitting yourself? Why are you trying to grow a Brett Favre beard? Guys.
Isabella.
What important business matters demand our attention? I know you wanted to show the lot on Morningside, but the demolition crew didn't show up.
So the teardown's still there.
Thank you, Isabella.
Excellent morning meeting.
Thank you.
Now you can get back to humping and yelling game night.
Game night! Game night.
And Amy's coming? Really? Games terrify her.
She's afraid of seeming stupid, and being timed makes her realize life is finite.
How did Vance get her to agree to this? I can't believe you're taking me dancing! Yep.
I'm taking you dancing.
You're taking me dancing! Taking me dancing Let's just have sex now.
We're not gonna want to after game night.
What? We're gonna be competing tonight, honey, and I just feel like I should have my edge, you know? UmYour sexual edge? So you feel like your clue-giving abilities are infused with a particular sexual energy? Your tone is mocking, but when I play there's a certain amount of vigor that I don't care to compromise.
We're here! We brought hors d'oeuvres.
They're my grandmother's recipe! Made some cha gio tom and some gui cuon.
We didn't make any banh mi.
Felt too "first thought.
" What is our most outstanding relationship skill? Nobody asked you that.
I'd have to say it's our ability to meet each other in the middle, make life choices that suit us both.
Exactly.
Take the church that Leigh found for us.
[Man speaking Vietnamese.]
Rex, I love you've become like this relationship guru.
It's a real departure from the college quarterback who named his bed.
I've changed.
And I have way more fun now than I ever did on the work bench.
Hey, everybody, sorry we're late.
You guys ready? Just pick a number out of this hat! Aah! Why? Why would I do that? Don't you know what tonight is? Is that an egg timer? You son of a bitch! No! No! I am not playing celebrity.
I can't pretend to know who Lou Diamond Phillips is again.
Oh, shh, baby.
He's from La Bamba.
Oh Just give her a minute.
Be a one, be a one, be a one, be a one! Be a one.
Be a one.
Be a one.
Be a one.
Sorry, Vance.
Looks like you and I won't be on a team.
With anybody else.
Ah ha ha ha ha ha! - You seacrested me! - I did.
Oh! Uh! Uh! Look at these two guys.
Feels like we're back in college again! Who wants to get wasted? Alcoholics do, Rex.
I love it when you contain me.
Boop.
Ha.
Mm! SoWhat did Vance tell you we were doing tonight? Oh, honey.
You've got on your dancin' bracelets.
He even made up the name of a club.
Feather Shadows.
God, he's a good liar.
Hey.
Hey.
I'm getting a little drunk.
Then let's get our grabby times on.
Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm! Like a baby? You know what? When in Rome Ehhh.
You're not as much into it? Well, at least everyone is having a good time.
It's gonna be a fun night.
You jerk! You bastard! You giant baby monster! I never wanna see you again! Oh, I just killed this bottle of central coast Pinot.
What else do you have? You mind if I open this central coast Pinot? UmUm He is a muppet.
He's a frog.
Frog's part of the name, honey You can't say that.
But it's okay.
Let's go.
Come on.
Okay, um Really? Lou Diamond Phillips? Who keeps writing this? That's okay, honey.
We can still win this.
Come on, clock's tickin'.
Oh! Okay, um First name is like the guy that I introduced you to in the bike store.
- He loaned me that DVD.
- Alan? Alan Alda? Oh, my God! - It is Alan Alda! - Yes! I got it! I got it! - Yeah! - Alan? You're still talking to that guy? He gave you aDVD? Great.
Well, you've ruined my turn.
You know, you cannot stand to see me succeed.
This is my you wouldn't let me audition for American Idol.
Well, sweetheart, your voice makes me wanna kill myself.
I'm stayin' I'm stayin' and you and you and you you're gonna love me How many times Did you sleep with Alan? Nothing happened with him! You are so insecure.
Okay.
You know what? Let's just say what this is really about, because we're all thinking it.
Ten years ago before any of us were couples, I slept with Dave.
I slept with Dave, everybody.
No.
No one was thinking that.
You always bring that up because you think it hurts me, but it's not about Dave It's about all the Daves.
And Erics and Rogers and Chrises and three Todds.
Well, you're not the only one out there having fun.
Ha.
I just added an Isabella to my list.
Your hot assistant? You slept with her? No, you didn't.
No, he didn't.
Of course you didn't.
You just said that because you know how insecure I am about her.
I have always said how beautiful your children would be.
You jerk! You bastard! You giant baby monster! I never wanna see you again! I just killed this bottle of central coast Pinot.
What else do you have? It's over! Send my mail here! I'm moving into Julia's dead mother's room.
Okay, this does not count as game night.
Then we're back on for tomorrow! Wine cruise anniversary! Oh, andTime.
I mean, I don't mean to gloat, but Game night was pretty awesome, so maybe I deserve a little I'm very sorry, honey.
You were right.
That was a bad idea.
You know what? It's fine.
Let's just move on.
Unbelievable.
I love that about you.
You're such a cool chick.
You're so low-maintenance.
[Accent.]
Hey, I'm rasta, Mon.
Jah will provide.
It's a bummer when you do the Jamaican thing.
Happy Anniversary.
Happy Anniversary, baby.
Guys, guys, guys.
Don't feel like you can't celebrate your anniversary 'cause I'm suffering, you know? If you choose to postpone it to a more appropriate time, you know, I'd Really, really respect that, butI'm not asking for it.
Vance, are you wearing my mother's robe? The robe provides warmth and Deborah's spirit brings me peace, Julia.
We actually haven't had the heart to go through her stuff yet.
Maybe you're not the one to get the ball rolling.
Are you wearing her slippers too? Damn, she had big feet! She was a big lady.
But elegant and MmShe's missed.
Morning, morning.
Morning! Vance! You look awful.
I am awful.
We talked to Amy.
She's beside herself.
I mean, you shoulda heard her.
"Go to hell.
This is none of your business.
Shove your psycho-babble up your ass"? She wasn't making any sense.
Let's go, man.
We're gonna take you to see her.
No, no, no, no.
It's too soon.
I go now, I give her all the power.
Listen to me, jackass! We're talking about love here! Now, get out there and tear this interpersonal growth opportunity a new one! No! It's my life! Nobody understands me! God! [Slam.]
Together: Happy Anniversary! So Dave, you left this at our house.
It's the gift, complete with the card.
Julia, from Dave.
I got her a gift, but thank you.
That's wildly condescending.
Uh, now, about tonight's Wine Cruise I hate to be the "Julia, don't dress like a lesbian" guy, but it's the big belts.
They're just so big.
Why? Yeah, I would go for it.
Okay.
Rex, we're not spending our anniversary at sea with you and your stupid associates, okay? And from now on, no more of these far-off plans, all right? That includes the Fourth of July camping trip with your sorority sisters and the 2014 Winter Olympics in Krasnaya.
But we got that great condo in the gypsy quarter.
Okay.
Bye, guys.
Thank you.
Later, Dave.
Text you later.
Okay.
Bye! [Laughs.]
Whoa! That was a thing of beauty.
We are so lucky.
Look at our friends.
I know! We're on a whole different level.
We're like the Connecticut women's basketball team.
We're so dominant, I don't know why other couples even suit up.
We're gonna have a great "us" night tonight.
Vance: I need air! I mean, does your dead mom's window open, or what? Do you think we've done everything to protect our "us" night? Good morning.
Hey, you guys.
The demolition team didn't show at Morningside again.
Oh, this is so awkward.
It's not awkward.
'Cause I slept with her.
No one thinks you slept with her.
You know what we're gonna do tonight after Julia goes to sleep? Morningside property.
We're gonna knock that damn thing down ourselves.
It's perfect! I got all this anger in me.
We're gonna sledgehammer the toilet.
We're gonna throw stuff through the window.
They got that crappy, thin room divider.
I'm gonna run through it like the kool-aid man.
You can't be around tonight.
Ha.
What? Why? It's our anniversary.
Did Julia put you up to this? Dude, it's your house.
You're the breadwinner.
Julia makes like double what I do.
So that entitles her to be boss? What? Julia's so easy.
Ha.
She asks for so little.
Let me give her the night she deserves, okay? Where am I gonna go? Where do people go? A hotel.
A hotel? I mean [Whimpers.]
[Sighs.]
What, am I gonna check in, dude, order a club sandwich? Don't list normal things like they're bad.
Watch 'The Proposal' on pay-per-view? Go downstairs to Finnegan's and have a Bud light? This is done.
Please don't make me feel bad about this.
It's one night.
Vance, really, what are you [R.
E.
M.
's Everybody Hurts plays.]
You don't get dramatic exit music.
'Cause everybody hurts Dude! You have a "Dave betrayed me" playlist? Whoo, baby.
I like it.
It's a little creepy that my brother and his wife picked it out, but I like it.
Hi.
Hi.
[Phone rings.]
I'm sorry.
[Ringing.]
Isabella.
[Click.]
Isabella, is everything okay? Vance: Dude, I'm drunk.
I'm messed up, man.
I went to a hotel.
It was worse than I thought.
They made me sign up for a rewards program! Then I had to watch some movie with Kate Hudson and an Australian guy whose accent kept comin' out.
Okay, buddy, what happened? I went to Amy.
It was too soon.
She rejected me.
So I came here for revenge.
But Isabella was She's not onboard, dude.
I've locked myself in her bathroom.
Here's what you gotta do.
This is where he asks me to make what he did my fault.
Come tell Isabella we were playing truth or dare.
You dared me to hit on her as a joke.
And I said, "No! That's rude!" But you you forced me.
Dude, it's two minutes away.
Just come, please.
[Mouths word.]
- [Whispers.]
What? - [Whispers.]
It's fine.
Just go.
Really? Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave.
I'm sorry, buddy.
I can't.
Dave, I need you, man! Please, man, da [Click.]
You know what? If you don't go, you'll be miserable.
It'll be quick.
No.
That was the hard part.
And I'm through it.
Now, I skipped lunch, so don't be frightened if you notice some ab.
You know what? Actually, if we're gonna do this, I'm gonna take Luke out.
I feel like he judges us.
He judges you.
But I know for a fact he's a big fan of mine.
So youYou go.
Okay.
Come on, Luke! [Knock at door.]
Come out, Vance! I need to use the bathroom.
Use another one.
How many bathrooms do you think I have? You pay me, like, $2 an hour! [Doorbell rings.]
- Julia? - Hey.
Is Vance here? We Dared him to come hit on you.
We forced him Because we're jerks.
I told you Just get in the car.
Hey.
Hey.
We're back.
Are you naked? Were you gonna do it while my life is spiraling? You're like a sex addict.
What void are you trying to fill, man? Why do you You leave mid-foreplay for ten minutes, and you come back with this? What were you hoping for? My college roommate? I made one comment three years ago.
Oh, you jerk! You ridiculous baby man! - Where did you come from? - So to get back at me, you're gonna drag my sweet friend Isabella into this? She went to Stanford! How did you hear about Isabella? - Is this because I called - Yes, it is.
Amy was with us on the Wine Cruise when you and I spoke.
They just cut Rex off.
I mean[Laughs.]
He's a big guy.
He can drink four bottles of wine! Come on, guys.
Let's fix this.
Stop playing your games and start being honest about what you need.
Okay, out.
Everybody out, out, out.
No, no, no.
Dave, you need to moderate this.
You have unique insight into my psyche and Amy's.
Because you slept with me.
HeyIt happened.
Deal with it.
I can't do this right now.
Why did you get him? We were having such a nice night.
You're right.
I owe you an apology.
I'm sorry.
On our anniversary, I rescued your crazy friend.
You begged me to get rid of him, and then I I don't underst You go get him? Yeah, Julia.
What's that about? This is an interesting relationship challenge.
We should call Dr.
Dahlquist.
I agree.
This is a situation where she'd want us to ignore her request to stop calling her at home.
Okay.
I'm not interested in any of this.
You know what? Happy Anniversary, everyone.
Julia? Why couldn't we have our night? Oh, please, the night was ruined the second Vance called.
You know what? Actually, no It was ruined the second he moved into my mother's room.
You know what? No.
It was ruined the second you decided to have a game night.
Okay, see, so you are still upset about that stuff.
Why did you Arrgh! Why did you act like you forgave me? Because I'm cool, honey.
I'm the cool low-maintenance chick.
I know you try hard to seem that way, but really, when I do screw up, you don't let it go.
You know, you hold on.
Yeah, I hold on, but you know, you pretend like you don't even know I'm upset.
[Doofy guy voice.]
"Oh, gee, you forgive me? Thanks, Julia.
You're like the greatest.
" Ehh Do I sound like that? A little.
Okay.
Then You act cool, and I play dumb.
I guess that's our game.
We're no different from our friends.
We're not the Connecticut women's basketball team after all.
We're more like Seton Hall.
And we ruined our anniversary.
I know.
And it sucks.
And you know what? I'm angry.
I'm angry at them, and I'm angry at us.
Angry.
I may have something for that.
Come here, baby.
[Giggles.]
You and I I think we can take it all the good with the bad make something that no one else has but you and I you and I Aah! [Both laughing.]
Me and you what can I do [Laughing.]
That was really fun.
Thank you.
Yeah, I hope it was the right house.
[Giggles.]
[Phone rings.]
Hmm.
Vance.
At dawn.
I have a really good feeling about this.
- What? - The lady and I.
We're goin' to Paris! We're getting married! [Both laughing.]
Did you guys hear the great news? - Who wants mimosas? - Yes, please.
- I'll take one.
- They might be screwdrivers.
- I don't know.
- I don't know!
Cherished partner, I hear you.
Now I know when I leave you so little room you feel unloved.
[Groaning shakily.]
Hey, sweetheart, yeah, I see you've chosen to take up 95% of the bed.
No, no, no, no, no.
Don't get up.
Clearly, your comfort is the only thing in the world that matters, so please, take the other 5% too.
I'm just gonna sleep on the floor like a dog.
You want more room? You want some more room? Ah, here we go.
Both: And by revealing our needs, we forge a bond two becoming one.
[Snoring.]
Is this in the way? Are these taking up too much space For you? Oh, please! I belong on the floor The wet floor.
Bravo.
[Clapping.]
Luke.
[Luke barking.]
Luke.
You woke Julia up! Honey, it's okay.
He's just a dog.
No, it's not okay.
She works hard, Luke.
No, no, no.
You just go back to bed, honey.
You just go back to bed.
I am sorry about Luke.
Damn it! [Whispers.]
Good boy.
You're right about that, book.
I feel heard and validated.
[Groans.]
Oh You two, us two, a boat, some kick-a Napa Cabernets, my business associates - the ultimate party.
Yeah.
There's no way we said yes to that.
It's on the books.
We're so excited! You owe us $300.
Wait Nope, nope.
That's our anniversary.
Yes.
Damn it.
Is it? Yeah.
Oh, my God! That's perfect, sis! Family celebrating family! [Singsong.]
It's happening.
Mom's dying wish.
She made me promise to bring you two closer.
God, she loved you, Leigh.
I know.
- Can you excuse us a second? - Sure! Now, before we dismiss this out of hand, I know for a fact that Rex's business associates have a ton of sex jokes.
Honey, we spend so much time with our friends.
- All I want is one night alone.
- And you're gonna have it.
We can get out of Saturday.
We just need to give them something Friday instead.
So what's something Friday that we can do with them that will excite them as well as Vance? Vance? Um, who's talking about Vance? I made plans with him for Friday, and you know I cannot cancel on Vance.
You wanna cancel on me on this of all nights? Honey, I am trying to give you your night.
I wanna give it to you.
I wanna make your brother happy.
And Vance.
Hmm.
I'm curious to hear how you indulging your friend will actually be a favor to me.
I'm curious too.
That's the fun part of all this.
It's live.
You never know where I'm gonna go.
Ooh, I just figured out what we're gonna do Friday.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Don't do that.
Don't try to make everyone happy.
That's not what this is.
This definitely won't make you happy.
Okay, we can't do Saturday, but how about on Friday night we do something that for years Game night? Game night? Game night? Game night? You never let me have game night! Thank you! [Both grunt.]
Come on, dude, stop it.
- We're not 11 anymore.
- Oh, we're not 11? Then why are you hitting yourself? Why are you trying to grow a Brett Favre beard? Guys.
Isabella.
What important business matters demand our attention? I know you wanted to show the lot on Morningside, but the demolition crew didn't show up.
So the teardown's still there.
Thank you, Isabella.
Excellent morning meeting.
Thank you.
Now you can get back to humping and yelling game night.
Game night! Game night.
And Amy's coming? Really? Games terrify her.
She's afraid of seeming stupid, and being timed makes her realize life is finite.
How did Vance get her to agree to this? I can't believe you're taking me dancing! Yep.
I'm taking you dancing.
You're taking me dancing! Taking me dancing Let's just have sex now.
We're not gonna want to after game night.
What? We're gonna be competing tonight, honey, and I just feel like I should have my edge, you know? UmYour sexual edge? So you feel like your clue-giving abilities are infused with a particular sexual energy? Your tone is mocking, but when I play there's a certain amount of vigor that I don't care to compromise.
We're here! We brought hors d'oeuvres.
They're my grandmother's recipe! Made some cha gio tom and some gui cuon.
We didn't make any banh mi.
Felt too "first thought.
" What is our most outstanding relationship skill? Nobody asked you that.
I'd have to say it's our ability to meet each other in the middle, make life choices that suit us both.
Exactly.
Take the church that Leigh found for us.
[Man speaking Vietnamese.]
Rex, I love you've become like this relationship guru.
It's a real departure from the college quarterback who named his bed.
I've changed.
And I have way more fun now than I ever did on the work bench.
Hey, everybody, sorry we're late.
You guys ready? Just pick a number out of this hat! Aah! Why? Why would I do that? Don't you know what tonight is? Is that an egg timer? You son of a bitch! No! No! I am not playing celebrity.
I can't pretend to know who Lou Diamond Phillips is again.
Oh, shh, baby.
He's from La Bamba.
Oh Just give her a minute.
Be a one, be a one, be a one, be a one! Be a one.
Be a one.
Be a one.
Be a one.
Sorry, Vance.
Looks like you and I won't be on a team.
With anybody else.
Ah ha ha ha ha ha! - You seacrested me! - I did.
Oh! Uh! Uh! Look at these two guys.
Feels like we're back in college again! Who wants to get wasted? Alcoholics do, Rex.
I love it when you contain me.
Boop.
Ha.
Mm! SoWhat did Vance tell you we were doing tonight? Oh, honey.
You've got on your dancin' bracelets.
He even made up the name of a club.
Feather Shadows.
God, he's a good liar.
Hey.
Hey.
I'm getting a little drunk.
Then let's get our grabby times on.
Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm! Like a baby? You know what? When in Rome Ehhh.
You're not as much into it? Well, at least everyone is having a good time.
It's gonna be a fun night.
You jerk! You bastard! You giant baby monster! I never wanna see you again! Oh, I just killed this bottle of central coast Pinot.
What else do you have? You mind if I open this central coast Pinot? UmUm He is a muppet.
He's a frog.
Frog's part of the name, honey You can't say that.
But it's okay.
Let's go.
Come on.
Okay, um Really? Lou Diamond Phillips? Who keeps writing this? That's okay, honey.
We can still win this.
Come on, clock's tickin'.
Oh! Okay, um First name is like the guy that I introduced you to in the bike store.
- He loaned me that DVD.
- Alan? Alan Alda? Oh, my God! - It is Alan Alda! - Yes! I got it! I got it! - Yeah! - Alan? You're still talking to that guy? He gave you aDVD? Great.
Well, you've ruined my turn.
You know, you cannot stand to see me succeed.
This is my you wouldn't let me audition for American Idol.
Well, sweetheart, your voice makes me wanna kill myself.
I'm stayin' I'm stayin' and you and you and you you're gonna love me How many times Did you sleep with Alan? Nothing happened with him! You are so insecure.
Okay.
You know what? Let's just say what this is really about, because we're all thinking it.
Ten years ago before any of us were couples, I slept with Dave.
I slept with Dave, everybody.
No.
No one was thinking that.
You always bring that up because you think it hurts me, but it's not about Dave It's about all the Daves.
And Erics and Rogers and Chrises and three Todds.
Well, you're not the only one out there having fun.
Ha.
I just added an Isabella to my list.
Your hot assistant? You slept with her? No, you didn't.
No, he didn't.
Of course you didn't.
You just said that because you know how insecure I am about her.
I have always said how beautiful your children would be.
You jerk! You bastard! You giant baby monster! I never wanna see you again! I just killed this bottle of central coast Pinot.
What else do you have? It's over! Send my mail here! I'm moving into Julia's dead mother's room.
Okay, this does not count as game night.
Then we're back on for tomorrow! Wine cruise anniversary! Oh, andTime.
I mean, I don't mean to gloat, but Game night was pretty awesome, so maybe I deserve a little I'm very sorry, honey.
You were right.
That was a bad idea.
You know what? It's fine.
Let's just move on.
Unbelievable.
I love that about you.
You're such a cool chick.
You're so low-maintenance.
[Accent.]
Hey, I'm rasta, Mon.
Jah will provide.
It's a bummer when you do the Jamaican thing.
Happy Anniversary.
Happy Anniversary, baby.
Guys, guys, guys.
Don't feel like you can't celebrate your anniversary 'cause I'm suffering, you know? If you choose to postpone it to a more appropriate time, you know, I'd Really, really respect that, butI'm not asking for it.
Vance, are you wearing my mother's robe? The robe provides warmth and Deborah's spirit brings me peace, Julia.
We actually haven't had the heart to go through her stuff yet.
Maybe you're not the one to get the ball rolling.
Are you wearing her slippers too? Damn, she had big feet! She was a big lady.
But elegant and MmShe's missed.
Morning, morning.
Morning! Vance! You look awful.
I am awful.
We talked to Amy.
She's beside herself.
I mean, you shoulda heard her.
"Go to hell.
This is none of your business.
Shove your psycho-babble up your ass"? She wasn't making any sense.
Let's go, man.
We're gonna take you to see her.
No, no, no, no.
It's too soon.
I go now, I give her all the power.
Listen to me, jackass! We're talking about love here! Now, get out there and tear this interpersonal growth opportunity a new one! No! It's my life! Nobody understands me! God! [Slam.]
Together: Happy Anniversary! So Dave, you left this at our house.
It's the gift, complete with the card.
Julia, from Dave.
I got her a gift, but thank you.
That's wildly condescending.
Uh, now, about tonight's Wine Cruise I hate to be the "Julia, don't dress like a lesbian" guy, but it's the big belts.
They're just so big.
Why? Yeah, I would go for it.
Okay.
Rex, we're not spending our anniversary at sea with you and your stupid associates, okay? And from now on, no more of these far-off plans, all right? That includes the Fourth of July camping trip with your sorority sisters and the 2014 Winter Olympics in Krasnaya.
But we got that great condo in the gypsy quarter.
Okay.
Bye, guys.
Thank you.
Later, Dave.
Text you later.
Okay.
Bye! [Laughs.]
Whoa! That was a thing of beauty.
We are so lucky.
Look at our friends.
I know! We're on a whole different level.
We're like the Connecticut women's basketball team.
We're so dominant, I don't know why other couples even suit up.
We're gonna have a great "us" night tonight.
Vance: I need air! I mean, does your dead mom's window open, or what? Do you think we've done everything to protect our "us" night? Good morning.
Hey, you guys.
The demolition team didn't show at Morningside again.
Oh, this is so awkward.
It's not awkward.
'Cause I slept with her.
No one thinks you slept with her.
You know what we're gonna do tonight after Julia goes to sleep? Morningside property.
We're gonna knock that damn thing down ourselves.
It's perfect! I got all this anger in me.
We're gonna sledgehammer the toilet.
We're gonna throw stuff through the window.
They got that crappy, thin room divider.
I'm gonna run through it like the kool-aid man.
You can't be around tonight.
Ha.
What? Why? It's our anniversary.
Did Julia put you up to this? Dude, it's your house.
You're the breadwinner.
Julia makes like double what I do.
So that entitles her to be boss? What? Julia's so easy.
Ha.
She asks for so little.
Let me give her the night she deserves, okay? Where am I gonna go? Where do people go? A hotel.
A hotel? I mean [Whimpers.]
[Sighs.]
What, am I gonna check in, dude, order a club sandwich? Don't list normal things like they're bad.
Watch 'The Proposal' on pay-per-view? Go downstairs to Finnegan's and have a Bud light? This is done.
Please don't make me feel bad about this.
It's one night.
Vance, really, what are you [R.
E.
M.
's Everybody Hurts plays.]
You don't get dramatic exit music.
'Cause everybody hurts Dude! You have a "Dave betrayed me" playlist? Whoo, baby.
I like it.
It's a little creepy that my brother and his wife picked it out, but I like it.
Hi.
Hi.
[Phone rings.]
I'm sorry.
[Ringing.]
Isabella.
[Click.]
Isabella, is everything okay? Vance: Dude, I'm drunk.
I'm messed up, man.
I went to a hotel.
It was worse than I thought.
They made me sign up for a rewards program! Then I had to watch some movie with Kate Hudson and an Australian guy whose accent kept comin' out.
Okay, buddy, what happened? I went to Amy.
It was too soon.
She rejected me.
So I came here for revenge.
But Isabella was She's not onboard, dude.
I've locked myself in her bathroom.
Here's what you gotta do.
This is where he asks me to make what he did my fault.
Come tell Isabella we were playing truth or dare.
You dared me to hit on her as a joke.
And I said, "No! That's rude!" But you you forced me.
Dude, it's two minutes away.
Just come, please.
[Mouths word.]
- [Whispers.]
What? - [Whispers.]
It's fine.
Just go.
Really? Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave.
I'm sorry, buddy.
I can't.
Dave, I need you, man! Please, man, da [Click.]
You know what? If you don't go, you'll be miserable.
It'll be quick.
No.
That was the hard part.
And I'm through it.
Now, I skipped lunch, so don't be frightened if you notice some ab.
You know what? Actually, if we're gonna do this, I'm gonna take Luke out.
I feel like he judges us.
He judges you.
But I know for a fact he's a big fan of mine.
So youYou go.
Okay.
Come on, Luke! [Knock at door.]
Come out, Vance! I need to use the bathroom.
Use another one.
How many bathrooms do you think I have? You pay me, like, $2 an hour! [Doorbell rings.]
- Julia? - Hey.
Is Vance here? We Dared him to come hit on you.
We forced him Because we're jerks.
I told you Just get in the car.
Hey.
Hey.
We're back.
Are you naked? Were you gonna do it while my life is spiraling? You're like a sex addict.
What void are you trying to fill, man? Why do you You leave mid-foreplay for ten minutes, and you come back with this? What were you hoping for? My college roommate? I made one comment three years ago.
Oh, you jerk! You ridiculous baby man! - Where did you come from? - So to get back at me, you're gonna drag my sweet friend Isabella into this? She went to Stanford! How did you hear about Isabella? - Is this because I called - Yes, it is.
Amy was with us on the Wine Cruise when you and I spoke.
They just cut Rex off.
I mean[Laughs.]
He's a big guy.
He can drink four bottles of wine! Come on, guys.
Let's fix this.
Stop playing your games and start being honest about what you need.
Okay, out.
Everybody out, out, out.
No, no, no.
Dave, you need to moderate this.
You have unique insight into my psyche and Amy's.
Because you slept with me.
HeyIt happened.
Deal with it.
I can't do this right now.
Why did you get him? We were having such a nice night.
You're right.
I owe you an apology.
I'm sorry.
On our anniversary, I rescued your crazy friend.
You begged me to get rid of him, and then I I don't underst You go get him? Yeah, Julia.
What's that about? This is an interesting relationship challenge.
We should call Dr.
Dahlquist.
I agree.
This is a situation where she'd want us to ignore her request to stop calling her at home.
Okay.
I'm not interested in any of this.
You know what? Happy Anniversary, everyone.
Julia? Why couldn't we have our night? Oh, please, the night was ruined the second Vance called.
You know what? Actually, no It was ruined the second he moved into my mother's room.
You know what? No.
It was ruined the second you decided to have a game night.
Okay, see, so you are still upset about that stuff.
Why did you Arrgh! Why did you act like you forgave me? Because I'm cool, honey.
I'm the cool low-maintenance chick.
I know you try hard to seem that way, but really, when I do screw up, you don't let it go.
You know, you hold on.
Yeah, I hold on, but you know, you pretend like you don't even know I'm upset.
[Doofy guy voice.]
"Oh, gee, you forgive me? Thanks, Julia.
You're like the greatest.
" Ehh Do I sound like that? A little.
Okay.
Then You act cool, and I play dumb.
I guess that's our game.
We're no different from our friends.
We're not the Connecticut women's basketball team after all.
We're more like Seton Hall.
And we ruined our anniversary.
I know.
And it sucks.
And you know what? I'm angry.
I'm angry at them, and I'm angry at us.
Angry.
I may have something for that.
Come here, baby.
[Giggles.]
You and I I think we can take it all the good with the bad make something that no one else has but you and I you and I Aah! [Both laughing.]
Me and you what can I do [Laughing.]
That was really fun.
Thank you.
Yeah, I hope it was the right house.
[Giggles.]
[Phone rings.]
Hmm.
Vance.
At dawn.
I have a really good feeling about this.
- What? - The lady and I.
We're goin' to Paris! We're getting married! [Both laughing.]
Did you guys hear the great news? - Who wants mimosas? - Yes, please.
- I'll take one.
- They might be screwdrivers.
- I don't know.
- I don't know!