Perfect Harmony (2019) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
1 You have terrible taste, Jean.
Had.
You married a huge jerk who didn't deserve you, and then you died.
Another poor choice, leaving me alone in Kentucky.
[MAN SINGING OPERATICALLY.]
If there is a reason for me to keep on living, y-you have to send me a sign.
- CHORUS: Hallelujah - Oh, jeez.
Hallelujah, hallelujah Hallelujah Nope.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
This will not be the last thing that I hear on Earth.
ALL: For the Lord God Omnipotent reigneth - No, stop! - ALL: Hallelujah This is unacceptable.
Piano girl, you're sliding up to each note, which ruins the listening experience.
Diet Vin Diesel, stand up straight so we can hear you.
Porno Mister Rogers, do you have a bug in your ear? - No.
- Then don't do that.
Whitney Houston, we have a problem.
Your confidence exceeds your talents.
Snake Tattoo, George Frideric Handel didn't know anyone named Hal.
What? It's not Hal-li-loo-yer It's Hall-lay-loo-ya! Open vowels.
You've heard of vowels.
They're the things that Pat Sajak makes you pay for.
[GLASS SHATTERING.]
Oh, dang.
He didn't get to finish.
Hallelujah.
[UPBEAT FOLK MUSIC.]
[SNORES.]
Is this hell? I guess I had that coming.
That was quite a bender you were on, Art.
It's Arthur.
How do you know my name? We looked through your wallet after we wrestled your pants off.
You peed so much.
Now you put up quite a fight.
Luckily, I'm huge.
I shouldn't be here.
I'm gonna get my pants and go.
Wait.
We're getting ready for a choir competition.
- We need your help.
- Yeah.
Just think of it as community service.
This is my wife's community, not mine, and I'm retired.
"Arthur Cochran, chair of Princeton's music department, "also known for throwing chairs, resigned after a wave of student complaints.
" This is a generation of delicate snowflakes and terrible chair duckers.
Just give us 20 minutes.
It'll be that long before your pants are dry.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
All right.
Step in.
Let's get this over with.
One-time music lesson.
Posture is everything.
Neck back, head forward and up.
Imagine there is a string coming out of the top of your head and you're It's imaginary And your body is dangling like a puppet.
Like Pinocchio, or as my father-slash-homeroom teacher called it, - "Lying Child Gets What He Deserves.
" - What does he Reverend Jax was raised by missionaries.
His family watched American movies, but they gave 'em all new titles to teach moral lessons.
Yeah, he's seen every movie Tom Hanks made.
He's so good in "Don't Get Aids.
" Great, I'm glad you're getting the word out on that.
Let's try a chord.
- C E - E - G - Stop, stop, stop.
Close your eyes.
Singing is about being so utterly in sync that you don't know where one person ends and the other begins.
So we will inhale together and on the exhale, we - C - ALL: C E [HARMONIOUSLY.]
G Holy crap, that's black magic! I knew it was real.
This guy's the devil.
This is awesome! Look, I got chicken skin.
It's a sign you were sent here to help us.
No, I don't believe in signs.
Hey! Don't tow that! Hey! Hey! No, that's that's my car! That's my car.
Ow hot! - Ouch, ow! - You don't believe in signs? Well, what about the one that says, "No parking, tow zone"? I didn't think it'd be my problem.
I thought they'd be harvesting my organs by now.
Well, since you still have your stomach, wanna fill it with a biscuit? [BRIGHT COUNTRY MUSIC.]
That's toast.
"Whitney Houston" ran out of biscuits.
Here, take mine.
It'd be a sin to leave the Moonbow without tasting one of those.
You're giving me your biscuit? What are you selling? God's love, but that's free.
So I guess it's on the house, friend.
[WHISPERS.]
You're wasting your time.
Well, Ginny, you and your son have an open invitation to join my flock.
Thank you, Pastor, but our lives have been through - enough changes already.
- Darn it.
Son of a bee! Cash! Good job watching your language.
He got suspended for cussing out his teacher at school, so we're practicing new words to express frustration.
Ginny, we could use that beautiful voice of yours in the choral competition.
You don't need me.
Like your billboard says, you always win.
Well, if you ever change your mind, Everyone's welcome at the Church of Perpetual Praise.
Hang on.
The mega-church off I-75? My wife wasn't welcome there.
- I don't believe we've met.
- My wife grew up here.
Her final wish was to be buried in your cemetery, but I was told there was no space.
You must be Mr.
Cochran.
- Dr - Dr.
Cochran.
- That's right.
- I received your seven angry messages and your colorful suggestions of what to stick where.
But you're still able to walk so I guess you didn't take 'em.
I hope you find God, because if you think it's hot in Kentucky [LIGHTLY EDGY MUSIC.]
That's the guy whose choir wins every year? Every year.
Well, not this year.
This year, your choir's gonna win, 'cause I'm gonna help you.
I knew there was goodness in your heart! I'm doing this out of spite.
God works in mysterious ways.
Ugh.
I'm very excited to properly introduce to you Dr.
Arthur Cochran, professor of music at the University of Princeton.
And I know they never make the Final Four, but outside of basketball, they're actually considered a good school.
Thank you very much for that wonderful introduction.
Okay, everybody, align your spine.
Matthew McConaugh-snake, you don't need to puff out your chest like you're signaling your wife you're ready to mate.
- Ex-wife.
- Papers ain't signed yet.
Could I have a quick word? Wayne is the jealous type.
I think it's best if you just stick to the music and leave the relationship stuff out of it.
Yeah, it's all intertwined.
Take you.
You slouch, which hurts your vocal projection.
It's caused by fear of confrontation, which is why you stayed married to a man who is preparing for "wabbit season" until one day he crosses the line.
Maybe he lost all your money or let a snake loose in the house.
I can see by your eyes it's both wow! So you kicked him out, but now you're worried it's screwing up the kid, so you haven't signed the divorce papers.
- Did you read my diary? - I wrote it.
[PIANO PLAYS "AMAZING GRACE".]
Ama - zing - Grace - How - Sweet - The sound - Put the pom-poms down.
- Drop the pom-poms.
- That - Saved - A wrench - Like me - Wretch, wretch, not wrench.
Why would somebody write a song about losing a wrench? Just take the joy out of it and get it done let's go.
- Joy is for losers.
- Was lost But now I'm here Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth I don't.
[HALTINGLY.]
Ama zing grace This is as loud as you get? Listen to your speaking voice.
It's like Darth Vader ate Mufasa.
Don't be mean.
Dwayne has a lot of wonderful qualities that Darth Vader does not have, like a human face.
It's called honesty.
It's how people get better.
Agree to disagree.
Ginny, our son cheats at darts.
Excuse me.
Cash, just let your father win.
Well, you can't stop staring at her.
Why don't you ask her out? I can't do that to Wayne.
He's always been like a big brother to me.
He gave me all his hand-me-downs right up till I turned six and hit my growth spurt.
If you can't speak up in real life, that's your problem.
But in choir, I need to hear you.
Stand up straight.
I want you to imagine that your voice is a tiny ball of light.
Just let it expand.
Me - [SOFTLY.]
Me - Come on.
Your voice won't be denied just like your feelings for Ginny.
Me [LOWERS VOICE.]
Yes.
Let it fill the room all the way back into the woods.
[HOLDING NOTE.]
Yes! That is your voice! Oh, you poor bastard.
You love her.
[SUCKS TEETH.]
Nothing wrecks your life like love.
I came in like a wrecking ball - Don't do that.
- I never hit so hard in love - Give you a minute.
- All I wanted was To break your walls Oh, I still need a sign, my love.
How 'bout just a boney finger sticking up out of the dirt? Is that too on the nose? Such a unique headstone.
I've been meaning to ask, what is the significance of the music? Oh, that? That's a fun little ditty about a man who loses his only family and has no reason to live.
I see I've upset you.
I'll leave you be.
It's how we'd find each other in a crowd.
We'd whistle to each other.
It was a family tradition.
My parents used Bach's "Toccata in G Minor," but Jean said if we were gonna do something that ridiculous, it had to be fun.
So that's "Eye of the Tiger.
" From the Sylvester Stallone movie.
Yeah, I don't need to know what weird title your family gave "Rocky.
" It's "Rocky.
" What else would it be? [CHUCKLES.]
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC.]
Many were the wild notes her merry What is going on outside? I dream of a Ginny With the light brown hair Dwayne, what is this? Something I should have done - - ten years ago.
- You need to forget this idea.
- I can't.
Arthur was right.
If I'm not honest with my feelings, I won't be honest with my music.
Is now a good time to read a poem? What's "Eat me, D"? [GENTLE BANJO MUSIC.]
[THUDS.]
[GRUNTING.]
What are you doing? Oh, I'm rocking the boat.
You know, disrupting a delicate balance so that everything goes cattywampus and suddenly your husband's best friend is singing love songs in your yard.
He used his voice.
Good for him.
And bad for me.
Ever since Wayne and I split, our son has been a wreck.
And I need Wayne to sign those divorce papers so Cash can start healing.
But that won't happen if Dwayne makes Wayne jealous.
So you better stop stirring the pot, Paula Deen.
Shoulders back, head up, fire in the belly.
You bring this girl to choir practice, we have a shot at winning.
[UPBEAT COUNTRY MUSIC.]
[GROANS.]
Okay, I am ready to try one of those famous biscuits.
We're out.
You're literally holding a biscuit.
- Mm.
- How is it? Ginny, you have been in my prayers.
[MUFFLED.]
Oh, really? Why don't you save your prayers for your hairline? Jean always did like a self-righteous blowhard.
You didn't know my wife.
Did you know my wife? We used to play hide-and-seek in that cemetery.
It's where we had our first kiss.
But I'm sure she had other reasons for wanting to be buried there.
[BRIGHT COUNTRY MUSIC.]
[SUCKS TEETH.]
Who wants coffee? I don't want your pity coffee.
I wanna see the look on that smug bastard's face when we win.
CHORUS: King of kings Forever and ever And Lord of Lords Hallelujah, hallelujah King of kings Stop.
Adams, you're singing the wrong part.
- You're an alto.
- I am a soprano.
I have never sung alto.
Things change as women get older.
The fuck you say? Can I have a word? I'll sing alto.
No big deal.
It is a big deal.
To win, we need the right voices singing the right parts.
- You're an alto.
- Oh, this is Cash's school.
- Just one second.
- What? A pop song might be a better way to connect with the audience.
No, this is not a democracy.
God may listen to you, but I don't.
I have to leave.
Cash may have slightly punched a kid in his reading group.
That's no reason to leave.
- Excuse me? - No.
On your own time, have whatever self-destructive delusions you want.
Your son is an untapped font of greatness.
The movie butcher here is a great communicator.
And Dwayne and Wayne, totally cool that you both wanna bone the same lady.
- [SCATTERED GASPS.]
- That's lovely.
What the hell? You wanna bone my sweet Ginny? You home-wrecking son of a She'll always be my wife! [ALL SHOUTING.]
Dr.
Cochran, you are no longer welcome here.
Well, at least you're finally being honest.
All the world is Filled with sorrow Everywhere I roam [GARGLING.]
Bodega, bodega, bodega, bodega, bodega, bodega.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
Aah! Don't you knock? What are you doing here? Hiding from my mom.
She hates you, so no way she's coming here.
Can't fault your logic there.
What's up with you and butterflies? My wife liked them.
Put it down.
My mom says you're like the Grinch.
You say you hate people, but you really hate is being alone.
Yeah, well, the Grinch's wife wanted to spend her last weeks where she was born, and then she was gone, so the Grinch had nothing.
No, he had a dog.
He was way cooler than you.
You know, with your tact and social graces, I'm shocked you're getting into fights at school.
Only during reading.
Everyone laughs and calls me stupid, then I punch 'em.
We're gonna try an experiment.
Let's sing this together.
And you are gonna follow along and point at the words.
BOTH: Dona nobis Pacem Chem I thought so.
Okay, come on.
Wait, where are we going? The Grinch needs to go into Whoville.
[COUNTRY MUSIC.]
Don't you ever run off like that again.
- Do you hear me? - Yes, ma'am.
Thank you for returning my son to me so I can continue being a terrible role model for him.
Oh, you do have sarcasm here.
What's next, bagels? You think being kind makes me weak, but it takes strength.
Maybe, but you can't wrap every problem in a hug.
Take Rosemary's baby here.
He's getting into fights in school because he's having trouble reading.
Every time he looks at a page, the letters float around.
It's called dyslexia.
A lot of successful people had it.
Yeats, Churchill [SIGHS.]
Tom Cruise.
- Tom Cruise? - Supposedly.
So, I didn't ruin him by getting a divorce? No, not your fault.
[INSTRUMENTAL "AMAZING GRACE".]
- Okay.
- I once was lost But now I'm found Was blind But now I See Amazing grace It's amazing Amazing grace - Don't you know we're amazing - We're toast.
Amazing grace, it's amazing - Amazing grace - They're loud.
- Listen to us, sing! - Not the same as good.
You always have something smart to say.
- What's he doing here? - Arthur apologized.
What a fun surprise.
I think we should forgive him and welcome him back.
You know, that's an important lesson in choirs and in marriages.
Wayne, enough.
I am not changing my mind.
So you need to sign those divorce papers and get all nine snakes out of the garage.
- Should be more than that.
- Everyone else, whatever petty grudge you are carrying, just drop it.
We have a chance to come together and do something amazing.
And he is a part of that.
This crusty, unpleasant man who is so difficult that he got rejected by a graveyard.
- It's true.
- And lucky for us, he did.
Because we take anyone, no matter how low - or hated - Amen.
- Or despised - Okay, okay, okay.
You made your point.
- Thank you.
- Mmhmm.
Guys, listen.
Life is short.
Let's use this precious time that God has given us to make some beautiful music that's gonna blow the toupee off that pompous windbag's head.
Yes! Come on, guys.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[PIANO PLAYS HANDEL'S "HALLELUJAH CHORUS".]
ALL: Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah Hallelujah Halle-lu - Jah - [SURVIVOR'S "EYE OF THE TIGER".]
- What's happening? - We're rocking the boat.
Rising up back on the street Did my time, took my chances Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet BOTH: Just a man, and his will to survive ALL: It's the eye of the tiger It's the thrill of the fight Rising up to the challenge - Hallelujah, forever - Of our rival ALL: And the last known survivor Stalks his prey in the night And he's watching us all with the eye Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah Hallelujah - Of the tiger - ALL: Ha-halelu Halelu-lelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah It's the eye of the tiger - ALL: Ha-halelu - [MEOWS.]
ALL: Halelu-lelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah Hallelujah, forever and ever Hallelujah [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
It's about damn time, Jean.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[SENTIMENTAL MUSIC.]
Second place McCreary Methodist! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
I knew you'd be back.
I said, "Let's surprise him with a mash-up like in the TV show about glee clubs called, 'Being Gay Makes High School Hard.
'" Wait, what? First place Come on.
Perpetual Praise Church! Oh.
Every time.
I'm proud of you.
Those judges are tone-deaf, mouth-breathing, troglodytes And this year, a new award, Most Improved Choir, goes to the Second First Church of the Cumberlands.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[SURVIVOR'S "EYE OF THE TIGER".]
Yes! Discernment is what they have.
An eye for talent.
[ALL CHANTING.]
Eye of the tiger, eye of the tiger, eye of the tiger Hallelujah You think he'll be mad with you? - He's always mad.
- Wayne, just say good-bye.
Okay, Snappy, Arthur's gonna take care of you now.
What in God's name is happening right now? Surprise! Happy house-warming.
Welcome to our church family.
We brought you few things you might need: milk, eggs, a multi-pack of deodorant.
- No, thank you.
- Oops, it's used.
- [COUGHS.]
- Can't return it now.
How many eggs do you want, eight or ten? That's not a number of eggs a human eats.
This is it.
You put this on with some wingtips, we'll be talking.
You can't just barge in here and go through my stuff That's incredible.
Now stop fussing and sit down.
You don't want company, well, you picked the wrong group to make friends with.
Yes, we are loving yet pushy, like Mary Poppins in the classic Disney film, "Unmarried Women Cause Trouble.
" - Mm.
- No, this is not your color.
You need to give this to someone who pops in jewel tones.
- Who else wants eggs? - Ooh.
Speaking of eggs, anyone see Snappy? Clowns to the left of me God, help me.
Had.
You married a huge jerk who didn't deserve you, and then you died.
Another poor choice, leaving me alone in Kentucky.
[MAN SINGING OPERATICALLY.]
If there is a reason for me to keep on living, y-you have to send me a sign.
- CHORUS: Hallelujah - Oh, jeez.
Hallelujah, hallelujah Hallelujah Nope.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
This will not be the last thing that I hear on Earth.
ALL: For the Lord God Omnipotent reigneth - No, stop! - ALL: Hallelujah This is unacceptable.
Piano girl, you're sliding up to each note, which ruins the listening experience.
Diet Vin Diesel, stand up straight so we can hear you.
Porno Mister Rogers, do you have a bug in your ear? - No.
- Then don't do that.
Whitney Houston, we have a problem.
Your confidence exceeds your talents.
Snake Tattoo, George Frideric Handel didn't know anyone named Hal.
What? It's not Hal-li-loo-yer It's Hall-lay-loo-ya! Open vowels.
You've heard of vowels.
They're the things that Pat Sajak makes you pay for.
[GLASS SHATTERING.]
Oh, dang.
He didn't get to finish.
Hallelujah.
[UPBEAT FOLK MUSIC.]
[SNORES.]
Is this hell? I guess I had that coming.
That was quite a bender you were on, Art.
It's Arthur.
How do you know my name? We looked through your wallet after we wrestled your pants off.
You peed so much.
Now you put up quite a fight.
Luckily, I'm huge.
I shouldn't be here.
I'm gonna get my pants and go.
Wait.
We're getting ready for a choir competition.
- We need your help.
- Yeah.
Just think of it as community service.
This is my wife's community, not mine, and I'm retired.
"Arthur Cochran, chair of Princeton's music department, "also known for throwing chairs, resigned after a wave of student complaints.
" This is a generation of delicate snowflakes and terrible chair duckers.
Just give us 20 minutes.
It'll be that long before your pants are dry.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
All right.
Step in.
Let's get this over with.
One-time music lesson.
Posture is everything.
Neck back, head forward and up.
Imagine there is a string coming out of the top of your head and you're It's imaginary And your body is dangling like a puppet.
Like Pinocchio, or as my father-slash-homeroom teacher called it, - "Lying Child Gets What He Deserves.
" - What does he Reverend Jax was raised by missionaries.
His family watched American movies, but they gave 'em all new titles to teach moral lessons.
Yeah, he's seen every movie Tom Hanks made.
He's so good in "Don't Get Aids.
" Great, I'm glad you're getting the word out on that.
Let's try a chord.
- C E - E - G - Stop, stop, stop.
Close your eyes.
Singing is about being so utterly in sync that you don't know where one person ends and the other begins.
So we will inhale together and on the exhale, we - C - ALL: C E [HARMONIOUSLY.]
G Holy crap, that's black magic! I knew it was real.
This guy's the devil.
This is awesome! Look, I got chicken skin.
It's a sign you were sent here to help us.
No, I don't believe in signs.
Hey! Don't tow that! Hey! Hey! No, that's that's my car! That's my car.
Ow hot! - Ouch, ow! - You don't believe in signs? Well, what about the one that says, "No parking, tow zone"? I didn't think it'd be my problem.
I thought they'd be harvesting my organs by now.
Well, since you still have your stomach, wanna fill it with a biscuit? [BRIGHT COUNTRY MUSIC.]
That's toast.
"Whitney Houston" ran out of biscuits.
Here, take mine.
It'd be a sin to leave the Moonbow without tasting one of those.
You're giving me your biscuit? What are you selling? God's love, but that's free.
So I guess it's on the house, friend.
[WHISPERS.]
You're wasting your time.
Well, Ginny, you and your son have an open invitation to join my flock.
Thank you, Pastor, but our lives have been through - enough changes already.
- Darn it.
Son of a bee! Cash! Good job watching your language.
He got suspended for cussing out his teacher at school, so we're practicing new words to express frustration.
Ginny, we could use that beautiful voice of yours in the choral competition.
You don't need me.
Like your billboard says, you always win.
Well, if you ever change your mind, Everyone's welcome at the Church of Perpetual Praise.
Hang on.
The mega-church off I-75? My wife wasn't welcome there.
- I don't believe we've met.
- My wife grew up here.
Her final wish was to be buried in your cemetery, but I was told there was no space.
You must be Mr.
Cochran.
- Dr - Dr.
Cochran.
- That's right.
- I received your seven angry messages and your colorful suggestions of what to stick where.
But you're still able to walk so I guess you didn't take 'em.
I hope you find God, because if you think it's hot in Kentucky [LIGHTLY EDGY MUSIC.]
That's the guy whose choir wins every year? Every year.
Well, not this year.
This year, your choir's gonna win, 'cause I'm gonna help you.
I knew there was goodness in your heart! I'm doing this out of spite.
God works in mysterious ways.
Ugh.
I'm very excited to properly introduce to you Dr.
Arthur Cochran, professor of music at the University of Princeton.
And I know they never make the Final Four, but outside of basketball, they're actually considered a good school.
Thank you very much for that wonderful introduction.
Okay, everybody, align your spine.
Matthew McConaugh-snake, you don't need to puff out your chest like you're signaling your wife you're ready to mate.
- Ex-wife.
- Papers ain't signed yet.
Could I have a quick word? Wayne is the jealous type.
I think it's best if you just stick to the music and leave the relationship stuff out of it.
Yeah, it's all intertwined.
Take you.
You slouch, which hurts your vocal projection.
It's caused by fear of confrontation, which is why you stayed married to a man who is preparing for "wabbit season" until one day he crosses the line.
Maybe he lost all your money or let a snake loose in the house.
I can see by your eyes it's both wow! So you kicked him out, but now you're worried it's screwing up the kid, so you haven't signed the divorce papers.
- Did you read my diary? - I wrote it.
[PIANO PLAYS "AMAZING GRACE".]
Ama - zing - Grace - How - Sweet - The sound - Put the pom-poms down.
- Drop the pom-poms.
- That - Saved - A wrench - Like me - Wretch, wretch, not wrench.
Why would somebody write a song about losing a wrench? Just take the joy out of it and get it done let's go.
- Joy is for losers.
- Was lost But now I'm here Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth I don't.
[HALTINGLY.]
Ama zing grace This is as loud as you get? Listen to your speaking voice.
It's like Darth Vader ate Mufasa.
Don't be mean.
Dwayne has a lot of wonderful qualities that Darth Vader does not have, like a human face.
It's called honesty.
It's how people get better.
Agree to disagree.
Ginny, our son cheats at darts.
Excuse me.
Cash, just let your father win.
Well, you can't stop staring at her.
Why don't you ask her out? I can't do that to Wayne.
He's always been like a big brother to me.
He gave me all his hand-me-downs right up till I turned six and hit my growth spurt.
If you can't speak up in real life, that's your problem.
But in choir, I need to hear you.
Stand up straight.
I want you to imagine that your voice is a tiny ball of light.
Just let it expand.
Me - [SOFTLY.]
Me - Come on.
Your voice won't be denied just like your feelings for Ginny.
Me [LOWERS VOICE.]
Yes.
Let it fill the room all the way back into the woods.
[HOLDING NOTE.]
Yes! That is your voice! Oh, you poor bastard.
You love her.
[SUCKS TEETH.]
Nothing wrecks your life like love.
I came in like a wrecking ball - Don't do that.
- I never hit so hard in love - Give you a minute.
- All I wanted was To break your walls Oh, I still need a sign, my love.
How 'bout just a boney finger sticking up out of the dirt? Is that too on the nose? Such a unique headstone.
I've been meaning to ask, what is the significance of the music? Oh, that? That's a fun little ditty about a man who loses his only family and has no reason to live.
I see I've upset you.
I'll leave you be.
It's how we'd find each other in a crowd.
We'd whistle to each other.
It was a family tradition.
My parents used Bach's "Toccata in G Minor," but Jean said if we were gonna do something that ridiculous, it had to be fun.
So that's "Eye of the Tiger.
" From the Sylvester Stallone movie.
Yeah, I don't need to know what weird title your family gave "Rocky.
" It's "Rocky.
" What else would it be? [CHUCKLES.]
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC.]
Many were the wild notes her merry What is going on outside? I dream of a Ginny With the light brown hair Dwayne, what is this? Something I should have done - - ten years ago.
- You need to forget this idea.
- I can't.
Arthur was right.
If I'm not honest with my feelings, I won't be honest with my music.
Is now a good time to read a poem? What's "Eat me, D"? [GENTLE BANJO MUSIC.]
[THUDS.]
[GRUNTING.]
What are you doing? Oh, I'm rocking the boat.
You know, disrupting a delicate balance so that everything goes cattywampus and suddenly your husband's best friend is singing love songs in your yard.
He used his voice.
Good for him.
And bad for me.
Ever since Wayne and I split, our son has been a wreck.
And I need Wayne to sign those divorce papers so Cash can start healing.
But that won't happen if Dwayne makes Wayne jealous.
So you better stop stirring the pot, Paula Deen.
Shoulders back, head up, fire in the belly.
You bring this girl to choir practice, we have a shot at winning.
[UPBEAT COUNTRY MUSIC.]
[GROANS.]
Okay, I am ready to try one of those famous biscuits.
We're out.
You're literally holding a biscuit.
- Mm.
- How is it? Ginny, you have been in my prayers.
[MUFFLED.]
Oh, really? Why don't you save your prayers for your hairline? Jean always did like a self-righteous blowhard.
You didn't know my wife.
Did you know my wife? We used to play hide-and-seek in that cemetery.
It's where we had our first kiss.
But I'm sure she had other reasons for wanting to be buried there.
[BRIGHT COUNTRY MUSIC.]
[SUCKS TEETH.]
Who wants coffee? I don't want your pity coffee.
I wanna see the look on that smug bastard's face when we win.
CHORUS: King of kings Forever and ever And Lord of Lords Hallelujah, hallelujah King of kings Stop.
Adams, you're singing the wrong part.
- You're an alto.
- I am a soprano.
I have never sung alto.
Things change as women get older.
The fuck you say? Can I have a word? I'll sing alto.
No big deal.
It is a big deal.
To win, we need the right voices singing the right parts.
- You're an alto.
- Oh, this is Cash's school.
- Just one second.
- What? A pop song might be a better way to connect with the audience.
No, this is not a democracy.
God may listen to you, but I don't.
I have to leave.
Cash may have slightly punched a kid in his reading group.
That's no reason to leave.
- Excuse me? - No.
On your own time, have whatever self-destructive delusions you want.
Your son is an untapped font of greatness.
The movie butcher here is a great communicator.
And Dwayne and Wayne, totally cool that you both wanna bone the same lady.
- [SCATTERED GASPS.]
- That's lovely.
What the hell? You wanna bone my sweet Ginny? You home-wrecking son of a She'll always be my wife! [ALL SHOUTING.]
Dr.
Cochran, you are no longer welcome here.
Well, at least you're finally being honest.
All the world is Filled with sorrow Everywhere I roam [GARGLING.]
Bodega, bodega, bodega, bodega, bodega, bodega.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
Aah! Don't you knock? What are you doing here? Hiding from my mom.
She hates you, so no way she's coming here.
Can't fault your logic there.
What's up with you and butterflies? My wife liked them.
Put it down.
My mom says you're like the Grinch.
You say you hate people, but you really hate is being alone.
Yeah, well, the Grinch's wife wanted to spend her last weeks where she was born, and then she was gone, so the Grinch had nothing.
No, he had a dog.
He was way cooler than you.
You know, with your tact and social graces, I'm shocked you're getting into fights at school.
Only during reading.
Everyone laughs and calls me stupid, then I punch 'em.
We're gonna try an experiment.
Let's sing this together.
And you are gonna follow along and point at the words.
BOTH: Dona nobis Pacem Chem I thought so.
Okay, come on.
Wait, where are we going? The Grinch needs to go into Whoville.
[COUNTRY MUSIC.]
Don't you ever run off like that again.
- Do you hear me? - Yes, ma'am.
Thank you for returning my son to me so I can continue being a terrible role model for him.
Oh, you do have sarcasm here.
What's next, bagels? You think being kind makes me weak, but it takes strength.
Maybe, but you can't wrap every problem in a hug.
Take Rosemary's baby here.
He's getting into fights in school because he's having trouble reading.
Every time he looks at a page, the letters float around.
It's called dyslexia.
A lot of successful people had it.
Yeats, Churchill [SIGHS.]
Tom Cruise.
- Tom Cruise? - Supposedly.
So, I didn't ruin him by getting a divorce? No, not your fault.
[INSTRUMENTAL "AMAZING GRACE".]
- Okay.
- I once was lost But now I'm found Was blind But now I See Amazing grace It's amazing Amazing grace - Don't you know we're amazing - We're toast.
Amazing grace, it's amazing - Amazing grace - They're loud.
- Listen to us, sing! - Not the same as good.
You always have something smart to say.
- What's he doing here? - Arthur apologized.
What a fun surprise.
I think we should forgive him and welcome him back.
You know, that's an important lesson in choirs and in marriages.
Wayne, enough.
I am not changing my mind.
So you need to sign those divorce papers and get all nine snakes out of the garage.
- Should be more than that.
- Everyone else, whatever petty grudge you are carrying, just drop it.
We have a chance to come together and do something amazing.
And he is a part of that.
This crusty, unpleasant man who is so difficult that he got rejected by a graveyard.
- It's true.
- And lucky for us, he did.
Because we take anyone, no matter how low - or hated - Amen.
- Or despised - Okay, okay, okay.
You made your point.
- Thank you.
- Mmhmm.
Guys, listen.
Life is short.
Let's use this precious time that God has given us to make some beautiful music that's gonna blow the toupee off that pompous windbag's head.
Yes! Come on, guys.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[PIANO PLAYS HANDEL'S "HALLELUJAH CHORUS".]
ALL: Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah Hallelujah Halle-lu - Jah - [SURVIVOR'S "EYE OF THE TIGER".]
- What's happening? - We're rocking the boat.
Rising up back on the street Did my time, took my chances Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet BOTH: Just a man, and his will to survive ALL: It's the eye of the tiger It's the thrill of the fight Rising up to the challenge - Hallelujah, forever - Of our rival ALL: And the last known survivor Stalks his prey in the night And he's watching us all with the eye Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah Hallelujah - Of the tiger - ALL: Ha-halelu Halelu-lelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah It's the eye of the tiger - ALL: Ha-halelu - [MEOWS.]
ALL: Halelu-lelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah Hallelujah, forever and ever Hallelujah [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
It's about damn time, Jean.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[SENTIMENTAL MUSIC.]
Second place McCreary Methodist! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
I knew you'd be back.
I said, "Let's surprise him with a mash-up like in the TV show about glee clubs called, 'Being Gay Makes High School Hard.
'" Wait, what? First place Come on.
Perpetual Praise Church! Oh.
Every time.
I'm proud of you.
Those judges are tone-deaf, mouth-breathing, troglodytes And this year, a new award, Most Improved Choir, goes to the Second First Church of the Cumberlands.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[SURVIVOR'S "EYE OF THE TIGER".]
Yes! Discernment is what they have.
An eye for talent.
[ALL CHANTING.]
Eye of the tiger, eye of the tiger, eye of the tiger Hallelujah You think he'll be mad with you? - He's always mad.
- Wayne, just say good-bye.
Okay, Snappy, Arthur's gonna take care of you now.
What in God's name is happening right now? Surprise! Happy house-warming.
Welcome to our church family.
We brought you few things you might need: milk, eggs, a multi-pack of deodorant.
- No, thank you.
- Oops, it's used.
- [COUGHS.]
- Can't return it now.
How many eggs do you want, eight or ten? That's not a number of eggs a human eats.
This is it.
You put this on with some wingtips, we'll be talking.
You can't just barge in here and go through my stuff That's incredible.
Now stop fussing and sit down.
You don't want company, well, you picked the wrong group to make friends with.
Yes, we are loving yet pushy, like Mary Poppins in the classic Disney film, "Unmarried Women Cause Trouble.
" - Mm.
- No, this is not your color.
You need to give this to someone who pops in jewel tones.
- Who else wants eggs? - Ooh.
Speaking of eggs, anyone see Snappy? Clowns to the left of me God, help me.