Pinky and the Brain (1995) s04e07 Episode Script

Star Warners

warner bros.
They're Pinky and the Brain yes, Pinky and the Brain one is a genius the other's insane they've entered in a race to conquer outer space they're dinky, they're Pinky and the Brain Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain hey, them rebels don't give us no respect, bobby.
Know what I mean? No respect at all.
What do ya expect, pesto? We blasted 'em first.
We did not! Bobby, did we blast them first? A little bit.
Yeah, maybe just a little bit.
See? I told ya.
Oh.
You told me? Is that right? Well, let me tell you somethin'.
Let me tell ya this! And let me tell ya that! Ha ha ha! And how do ya like that?! And let me tell ya this! Make way for girth plotz.
Let go! Hey cheese it! The boss.
[Wheezing] [Hacking cough] [Whispers] All right! Who took the last diet root beer?! I told you, I am not a refrigerator.
I am a laboratory robot engaged in an intricate scheme of galactic domination.
Stupid machine! You ate all my change! Now vamoose! You there! What are you doing? [Gasps] Stop her! Did you have a nice chat with the funny hair lady, Brain-2-me-2? Yes, 3-Pinky-O.
And do you know what's on the disk she just gave me? Another free introductory offer to America online? Not even close.
Observe, Pinky-O.
She gave us the plans to girth plotz's ultimate weapon-- the mega star.
With it, I can conquer the galaxy! Oh, joy! We'll be ruled by a minifridge! I am not a refrigerator.
Oh.
Then I'd better take out my leftovers before they spoil.
Now, where did I put that chicken chimichanga? Heh, stop it, 3-Pinky-O.
That tickles! Ha ha ha! Cut it out! Hah! I have a bad feeling about this.
Pinky-o: ugh.
Me, too.
I just found an egg roll that's green and furry.
[Wheezing] We meet again, princess.
That's princess Angelina contessa Louisa Francesca banana-fana leiana pile-Of-origami the third.
But you can call me dot.
Call me dotty, and you'll be taking your tang intravenously! Enough! What are you doing here? My 5-year mission is to seek out new worlds and make them cuter.
I bet you'd look cuter without the face mask.
So I was wrong.
Who knew? You stole the plans to the mega star.
Now, where are they? I'll never tell! We'll see about that! Guards! Take her away! [German accent] General plotz! An escape pod has just blasted off, and it's heading towards the planet ratatouille! So? It's carrying princess dot's minifridge.
Find me that fridge! Egad! I can't go on, Brain-2! I can't walk another step.
You've only gone 3 feet.
Oh.
Right you are.
Troz! Never mind.
Hoo hoo ha ha ha ha! [Clanks] Hello, funny vacuum cleaner man.
I am not a vacuum cleaner.
Yes! He's a refrigerator.
No.
I'm a robot stranded in the desert with his dimwitted sidekick.
That would be me! Hoo hoo hoo ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Funny vacuum cleaner man.
Uh, perhaps you could direct us to the nearest space port, little girl.
Why? Because we need to get to the mega star.
Why? Because we're trying to take over the galaxy.
Why? Because with me in charge, it will be a better place.
Why? Because I'm really smart! Why? Because I am! Now stop saying "why"! Why? Because you're driving me crazy! Why? Pinky-o, tell her to stop! Why? Hoo hoo ha ha ha ha! Narf! Enough! Ok.
I love you.
Buh-bye.
Aaah! Aaah! [Buzzing] There is a pain that is going to tingle.
Uhh--off! [Engine revving] [Clanking] [Gasps] Hi, Mr.
Farmer man.
Hello, little nomad nurse.
I'm wakk skylicker.
Whatcha doin'? Farming sand.
I've got a big crop this year.
[Wind blowing] Uh Ok.
[Clanks] Unh! Unh! Wanna buy a funny vacuum cleaner man? No, thanks.
I am not a vacuum cleaner.
But I'll buy a talking garbage can any day! Ok.
I love you.
Buh-bye.
How do ya open the lid? I assure you, I am not a garbage can.
I am a robot on a vital mission.
Help me, slappy wanna nappy.
Please! Look, Brain-2.
It's the princess.
Ow! O-ow! O-ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Help me, slappy wanna nappy.
Please! Hello, girl who looks just like my long-lost sister nurse.
Your sister is tiny and staticky? No.
She's just very, very cute.
Who is this slappy wanna nappy? It must be has-Been wanna nappy, the old squirrel who lives out in the desert.
Maybe she can help me find my sister.
Maybe she can help me get to the mega star.
Maybe she can help me get a Brain.
Oh, we're off to see the has-been the wonderful has-been named slappy Wakk: are you sure we're in the right movie? Slappy: all right, already.
I'm comin'.
What do ya want? Are you slappy wanna nappy? Who wants to know? I'm wakk skylicker.
My new talking garbage can has a message for you.
He looks more like a toaster oven to me.
[Sighs] May we come in and explain? As long as you promise to heat up my frozen waffles.
I'm starvin'.
What I go through for galactic conquest.
This minifridge contains the plans to the mega star, girth plotz's ultimate weapon of destruction.
The mega star must be stopped! Help me, slappy wanna nappy.
Please! All right! Who took the last diet root beer?! She sounds like she's in trouble! With a plot line that lame, we're all in trouble.
[Bell rings] Keep 'em comin' there, toaster boy.
We have to get to the mega star! Poit! But how? We'll need a ship and a pilot.
I know where we can line up a pilot.
Well, then, let's roll! [Bell rings] Sure, just as soon as somebody passes me the syrup.
Plotz: now, princess tell us where your fridge went with those plans! Never! I know just how to make her talk.
Sergeant major nurse! [Gulps] How do.
Name's pip pumphandle.
You know, you meet the most interesting people in outer space.
[Grunting] Did I ever tell you about the time I met Mr.
Mark hamill, star of stage, screen, and the occasional comic book? Noooo! Slappy: the studio of mos Eisner.
You'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
So be careful.
We're goin' in without an agent.
[Engines rev] [Playing star wars cantina music] I have an iridium q-39 reactive modulator, which I'm going to use to blow up the earth.
I bet you use that line on all the girls.
Hey, you.
We don't allow your kind in here.
You don't allow robots? No.
We don't allow minibars.
I am not a minibar! So long, sweethearts! Ya get it? It's like the Lucy show, but with a squirrel.
Oof! Oof! [Speaking alien language] Humph! Hey! You spoiled my pitch! Your what? My pitch! I told ya I was tryin' to get us a pilot.
[Plays rimshot] Not a Tv pilot! We need a pilot who can fly! [Crashes] Did someone say pilot? Who are you? Yakk Soho, space ace, reporting for duty.
This is my copilot, chewbooboo.
Arrrrbok-kaw! His copilot's a chicken, I tell ya! A giant chicken! Not if ya keep a night-light turned on.
[Rimshot] Thank you.
I'll be here through Tuesday.
Can you take us to the mega star? No problem.
Hello, handsome.
[Barbra Streisand song plays] No.
The mega star of total destruction.
Oh, right.
Sorry.
[Schwarzenegger voice] Chill out, fridge boy.
Aah! Aah! Aah! No! Girth plotz's mega star in outer space.
Oh, that mega star.
Sure, I can take ya.
Then please do so immediately.
Plotz soldier: duh, hey! There's that minifridge! Stop them! Quick! To the bicentennial lemon! We're gettin' creamed! Chewbooboo, get us outta here! Just what kind of ship is this? A pizza delivery transport.
Oh, great.
We deliver neutron-Hot pizzas to your space port in under 30 parsecs or your money back.
Bok-kaw.
So, hold on to your anchovies.
We're outta here! Pip Pumphandle: alpha centauri's sort of a funny name, don't you think? I mean, not ha-ha funny, but just sort of odd.
Of course, alpha is the first letter of the Greek alphabet, and omega is the last letter, giving rise to the phrase, "from the alpha to the omega.
" Make him stop, I beg of you! I'll tell you anything.
Just, please, make him stop! [Crying] All right.
She's had enough.
Now, where did that refrigerator go with those plans? What plans? I'm tired of your stalling.
Maybe this will persuade you to talk.
[Gasps] My home! Yes! The comedy planet-- Where I'll put the mega star to its first test.
[Gasps] You're going to destroy my planet, wiping out millions of people? No.
I'm going to screw up their Tv reception! [Gasps] Youaresick! Plotz: begin Tv disruption.
[Seinfeld voice] What's the deal with Pluto? Is it a dog, or is it a planet? I gotta know! [Laughter] Announcer: we interrupt spacefeld to present ken burns' history of paddleball in 127 parts.
Woman: dear Abner, huh? Your new game of paddle the ball is all the rage.
I think it may even replace the minuet.
It-it's on every channel! Everyone on the planet: nooooo!! Make it stop! Slappy: hey, what's goin' on? Somethin' awful has happened.
Narf! As though a million voices cried out in pain? Worse.
Scooby-doo's been preempted by a documentary on paddleball.
It's the mega star.
Yes! It's transmitting nothin' but deadly dull programmin'.
Plotz is beamin' this garbage everywhere.
And he's sucking the humor right out of the universe.
That monster! I'm going to stop him! Whoa, kiddo.
There's only one way to overcome your plotz problem.
How? With comedy.
What do ya mean? If you're gonna save this galaxy, you'll need to study the shtick with the ancient guru of gags, skippoda.
[As Yoda] Easy is drama.
Hard is comedy.
Yes, yes.
But, skippoda, what is comedy? All that is funny around us, it is.
A better place it makes the universe.
Yes.
Hurry it up, will ya, Skippy? We ain't got all day here.
Cranky she is.
My aunt slappy she is.
Skippoda, I want to save my sister and defeat girth plotz.
Do not just concentrate on plotz.
You need to work on the jokes.
What's this? Big mallet, it is.
Big comedy prop.
Faboo! Is this how ya use it? [Grunting] Aah! Swing hard you must to get the big laugh.
Now try.
Oh, no.
Aah! Ow! Ouch! Hey! Knock it off! Hoo hoo hoo! Hee hee hee! Ha ha ha! Now, that's comedy.
Skippoda: yes, feel the face.
Be the face.
Freeze the face.
Gooky it is.
Slappy: the face is strong in this one.
Use the gooky.
Defuse tense situations with humor.
It works many times.
Control the funny face, and you can save the galaxy.
Thanks, skippoda! May the face be with you.
Narf! I now present his royal bombosity, uh, ruler of all that is edible, flabby the butt.
I gotta get a new agent.
Hey, quit shovin', will ya? Bok-kaw! [Gobbling] Ah-ha! Soho, you are my captive.
Hey, flabby, nice chins.
You look great.
Have you lost weight? Ptoui! Ok, a little touchy about the weight thing.
I understand.
We had a deal, Soho! Now, flabby, I can explain.
You promised to deliver a pizza to me-- [Slobber] In 30 parsecs or less.
Hey, come on, it was in the middle of a meteor shower.
You failed, and now you die! [Slobber] Seems a bit harsh, don't ya think? Why not just cut back on the tip? Throw them into the pit of fear! [Creature howls] Arrrr [Feebly] Bok-Kaw no, flabby! Wait! I know it's late, but don't you still want your pizza? [Slobbers] Neutron-hot, just the way ya like it.
AwOk.
You got it! Aaah! Aaah! [Barney voice] Ha ha ha ha ha! Will you be my special friends? Ha ha ha! [Guards scream] [Screams] Chewbooboo, don't forget.
He wanted extra cheese.
[Screams] [Burps] Hoo hah! Good show, yakk Soho! Hello, interplanetary nurse.
Napkin? Yakk: to the mega star! This is it, Pinky-o, our moment of truth.
Are you pondering what I'm pondering? Um, I think so, Brain-2, but a show about Hoo! It'll never get on the air.
No, Pinky-O.
I have the plans to the mega star.
Once inside, we will seize control and rule the galaxy! Yakk: we're heeerrre! General plotz, ve haf begun transmission of boring programming throughout the cosmos.
Good.
The process of removing all humor from the universe is underway.
Your stupefying evil will prevail.
Let's hope so.
You guys go ahead.
There's something I have to do alone.
Are you going to face girth plotz in a one-on-one fight to the death? Nah.
I'm gonna use the little squirrels' room.
Space travel really rattles my raisins.
Say, isn't that the minifridge general plotz has been looking for? Gee, I don't know.
Zat looks more like a bread maker.
No, no, no, no.
I have one of those.
Maybe it's a crock-pot or a space heater.
No.
It's, eh, uh a floor polisher.
Huh? Oh, sure! That's it.
Ja! You is a floor polisher.
You are? Yes! And my colleague and I have been assigned to polish all the floors in the mega star.
Oh! Zat's nice.
And we'll start by cleaning the coffee-stained floors of the very control room where girth plotz beams his programming to poor, unsuspecting planets.
Ja! Zat's a good place to start.
Ok.
Bye-bye.
Have Ze funzies, now.
And all this time, I thought we were robots.
Guh! [Buzzes] Hi.
We've come to rescue you.
My brother! My sister! My siblings! My favorite Martian! My friend flicka! My left foot! My, my, my! Aah! Aah! Aah! [All scream] My, what a relief that's over.
Oof! Pardon me.
Excuse me.
That voice.
Slappy wanna nappy? Girth plotz! I haven't seen you since you took my cartoons off the air.
Yes! Because they made no sense! No! Because you have no sense of humor! Unh! Unh! Uhh! The nerve center of the mega star, Pinky-O.
We made it.
Egad, Brain-2! Look! These heavy-traffic areas are horribly soiled.
Zort! We'll never get them clean.
We are not here to polish floors, Pinky-O.
My dream of galactic rule is about to come true.
Once I take control, the galaxy will bow down on its knees before me! Oh, then we'll need to really work on these tough stains.
No one wants dirty knees.
[Both grunting] Ah-- grrrrrr! Nooo! [Grunting and shouting] Work it, kid.
That's it.
Go for the punch line.
Hey! Unh! I thought you just died.
Unh! Nah.
Dyin's too easy.
It's comedy that's hard.
All set, Brain-2.
Here we go.
On 3, 2, 1, and-- Narrator on Tv: by 1911, paddleball had not yet reached Iceland-- Brain-2: greetings.
Huh? Huh? Huh? We interrupt this deadly dull program to bring you an important message.
I am Brain-2-me-2, the new ruler of your galaxy.
Oh oh oh unh! Unh! Uhh! Unh! Oh! Now what do I do? Use the gooky.
Defuse tense situations with humor.
It works many times.
You've lost, skylicker! The galaxy is mine! What is with that face? It's ridiculous.
S-Stop it.
Stop it.
No--no, really.
It's the silliest thing I've ever seen! [Laughing] It's nutty! Stop! Oh-ho! Sto-- ha ha ha ha! As your ruler, I will expect strict discipline and unwavering loyalty from all of my subjects.
What are you doing? I'm in the middle of a broadcast.
Huh? Huh? Huh? Go away, will you? That's highly annoying.
[Laughing] What's that guy doing? Will you please cease this silliness? [Laughing] It's hilarious.
There's something funny on Tv again.
We're saved! We're saved! No, this isn't a joke.
Honestly, I'm--I'm in control.
[Laughing] Ha ha ha ha! I--I am your ruler-- ha ha ha ha! Really! Never mind.
[Laughing] [Laughing] [Laughing] Ah, like music to my ears.
[Everyone on the planet laughing] Ha ha ha! Good is the laughter.
Yes.
[Cheering] May the nurse be with you! May the nurse be with you! Come, Pinky-O.
We must catch the space shuttle back to our home planet of acme and prepare for the next millennium.
Gee, Brain-2, what are we gonna do in the next millennium? The same thing we do every millennium, Pinky-O.
Try to take over the galaxy! Brain-2: I am not a refrigerator.
Chorus: dot dot dot dot warner bros.
Captioned by the national