Psych Episode Scripts

N/A - The Old and the Restless

Put that down.
We're not here to feed the birds.
That's just a cover to throw your dad off.
Well, if we're not here to feed the birds, what are we here to do, grandpa? We're here to girl watch, everything they do is magical.
Mysterious, your grandmother was a lifetime of surprises.
Now, what can you tell me about her? She's a surfer.
She's goofy-footed.
- Goofy? - Left-handed, but with her feet.
No, stop.
Stop that right now.
I don't want you to profile her, or tell me who she actually is.
I want you to tell me who you think she is.
What she likes.
What she dreams about.
Use your imagination.
Well, then her name is Larsa Von Lykenhoffer.
German broad, good.
What else? What else? And she's a giraffe wrangler and a test pilot.
And it's possible she's a manimal.
Shawn, I thought I told you to finish the dishes before you feed the birds.
Dad, Shawn's got chores that come before goofin' off at the beach.
Let me relax with my grandson.
What are you two doing exactly? Just beach gazing.
- You wouldn't understand.
- I understand.
- You wanna beach gaze? - Scoot over.
You wanna beach gaze.
We'll all beach gaze.
Close your eyes, Shawn.
- How many towels with red stripes? - Here we go with the towel thing again.
Henry, do you have to drain the fun out of everything? Dad, I want you to leave the raising of my son to me.
All right? He's got responsibilities.
And you, you, better be two steps behind me.
'cause you got a date with some suds and a sponge.
Do me a favor, Shawn.
Sometimes you gotta let what your dad says float through the ears.
Make your own choices.
Don't take life too seriously.
Travel the world.
Meet interesting people.
Have some adventures.
Because some day you're gonna wake up and realize you're too old to do anything really fun.
Yes, grandpa.
- This isn't gonna work, Shawn.
- It's gonna work.
We've failed to get in here six times.
We haven't gotten to one witness.
We haven't seen where the missing man disappeared from.
This place is a fortress.
I think you might be right.
Maybe we should crawl.
I'm not crawling on this wet grass.
I read an article that says 90% of high-voltage signs are bogus.
They just hang them up there to scare people off.
Good theory.
You test it.
I can't touch that.
I conduct way more electricity than you.
You know that.
Touch it.
Just use your fingertip.
I'm not touching an electrified fence, Shawn.
How about I touch it? I don't think I like the way that sounds.
What the hell are you two doing with my stuff? - We need tools.
- For what? If you must ask, it's for a stakeout, okay.
We've got a tough case, and our binoculars only go up to 2x.
Well, what are you doing with my cooler? We have to keep the gelato cold in the car.
You two girls are useless Shawn, didn't you learn anything - I ever taught you about surveillance? - We happen to be awesome at covert ops.
We just ran into a bit of a gauntlet, and took a missing person case based in an extremely difficult place to crack.
What impenetrable stronghold did this missing person disappear from? Glorious pines.
- Say again.
- Glorious - pines.
- The old age home? - It's a retirement community.
- It's top-of-the-line in independent senior living, with a full-time security team.
My son, the super sleuth, can't even get himself access into an old folks home.
No-no-no-no, dad.
You have no idea what we're up against.
I tried everything.
I tried the whole, "I'm a traveling doula" bit.
"The dingo ate my baby" routine.
Hiding Gus in a sack trick, which never fails.
Trust me.
You wouldn't have gotten any closer than we did.
Give me a break.
I'll be in that joint, crack the case in eight minutes.
Okay, yeah.
It's on.
Show us how it's done.
No, wait, just hold on a second.
- I didn't mean to - Exactly.
- That's too early.
- How about 9:00? - 9:00's a little late.
- Come on, guys.
Let's be reasonable.
Just split the difference.
Okay? Call it 11:15.
I'll drive.
You sure you wanna park this close, dad? We're almost a quarter of a mile away.
Shawn, we're exactly where we should be to get a read on the situation.
I can literally see the curvature of the earth from here.
You know, Shawn, why don't you honk the horn and let them know that we're here while you're at it? Who is this missing guy? Oswald Chester, resident, 73 years old.
He's been missing for three days.
And what we've gathered from our client is, the community is trying to cover it up.
Your client went to the police already? I don't know, dad.
We didn't get that far.
What? You didn't ask the question? What are you doing, Shawn didn't you learn anything that I tried to - All right, that's enough of this nonsense.
- No, not enough.
We've just started.
Slow down, would you? What are you gonna do, march right in there? That looks to be the plan.
No wonder you guys are failing so badly.
Rule number one, never make yourself known to your target.
- Rule number two - Dad, you got your glasses? - Yeah, of course I got my glasses.
- Good.
Go ahead and put 'em on.
- What? - Here.
Give me that.
Oh, a disguise.
Look at you go.
Right out of the private eye handbook, huh? Here.
Put this on too.
This thing's like 100 years old.
What Shawn I look like Henry Fonda.
Allow me to apologize in advance for this.
Ah hot.
- What the hell, Shawn? - What the hell? - Hold this for a second.
- What? - May I help you? - Yes.
Pamela, is it? That's what it says right in front of you.
May I help you? - We are here to check somebody in.
- Really? And who might that be? My grandfather.
- I'm not doing this.
No, Shawn.
- Grampy.
Calm blue ocean.
- Go to your quiet place.
- I'm sorry.
But we don't accept walk-in admissions.
There's an application and a very long waiting list.
- Uh, fine.
We're leaving.
- No-no-no.
- He just got in off the waiting list.
- I'm not on any damn waiting list.
Please forgive our grampy here.
He gets irate and a little forgetful.
You two are brothers? Our father worked at Benetton.
And what's your grandfather's name? Talmadge McGulager.
Just a moment.
Talmadge McGulager? Brilliant.
All right, look, what the hell are you guys doing here? This is the part where you get blindsided with plan B.
It's kinda fun when it's not happening to me.
Look, I'm getting us in.
Relax, dad.
I mean, grandpappy.
This is never gonna work.
McGulager looks like we're all set.
What? You're who I've been waiting for.
My apologies.
I'm Pamela, the chief administrator.
My goodness, you don't look remotely old enough to live here.
Grandpapa is 72.
It's true.
The thing is, he used to be a male model.
That's why he looks so young You can see he had a lot of plastic surgery done.
My, my, they have done marvelous work.
I would have guessed 59, 60 tops.
All right, you listen here, lady, I'm not a day over Opa! You be sweet to Pamela.
She's here to help us.
She is a helper.
Sorry, Pamela.
He's gone a little How can I put this eloquently? I understand.
A lot of our residents are hesitant at first.
Excuse me while I get some forms.
All right, how did you know about this Talmadge? Dad, use the cane.
It really helps sell it.
Wait, wait, wait.
You had this planned all along? I snatched this off one of the guards that tossed us.
According to the schedule, Talmadge McGulager was supposed to check in last night.
So I called Mr.
McGulager and informed him that the community is infested with african gambian pouch rats.
The largest rats in the world.
He'll be back in three days.
It's the amount of time it takes to fly in and deploy the pouch rat's natural predator.
The sudanese birch pelican.
You don't actually expect me to spend three days here.
We're gonna solve it in two.
The third day is really more about reflection.
Besides, with you in here, we'll be able to get visitor's passes, come and go as we please.
All right, all right, I'll tell you what, Shawn.
Normally I'd storm outta here.
I'd leave you in the lurch.
But this time, kid, just this time, I'm gonna teach you a lesson.
I'll be your Talmadge Magruder.
- McGregor.
- McGulager.
- Exactly.
- I'll be all those guys.
And I'll have this case solved by lunch.
Considering they eat lunch here at 10:15, I'm gonna say we'll have it done by 9:45.
- You're on.
- You're on.
McGulager, why don't I show you around the facilities.
And your grandboys fill out your admissions paperwork? That's a brilliant idea, boys.
Why don't you get right on that? Can we fill that out later? We'd really like to take a look around as well.
Yeah, and I have a bit of carpal tunnel going on.
We'll just tag along if that's okay.
You don't take one step past this point until all of these forms are complete.
There are two signatures which must be in blue.
I'll let you figure out which ones those are.
Lester here will check your work when you're done.
- You wanted to see us, chief? - What's your caseload like? - Light.
- ish.
Good answer.
Because I have a special assignment that comes directly from the mayor.
The mayor? Really? Yes.
There's your assignment.
- Is he a witness or something? - No, he's just a delinquent.
He's been pulling off some penny ante vandal stuff.
Taking down street signs, crazy gluing parking meter slots, removing hood ornaments.
Nothing serious yet, but Ah, but that's how it starts.
One minute they're destroying public property and the next thing you know they're shooting cops.
- So what I need you to do is - No, I know exactly where you were going with this thing, chief.
It's like our brains are just connected on this thing.
I'm just trying to figure out how we try this kid as an adult.
I need you to dial it back about 50 notches, or I will ask you to put your gun on my desk.
What you are going to do is straighten him out.
Spend a little time with him.
Take him on a ride-a-long.
Nurture him.
Show him what a life of crime leads to.
And he gets this special treatment because? His mother's the deputy mayor, and she doesn't want the kid in the system.
So just fix him.
Yes, ma'am.
I think all that writing gave me a ganglion cyst.
You can't get a cyst from filling out paperwork.
If the pen is wrong, you can.
There's definitely some carpal bossing in there.
We should see if they have some extra thumb splints lying around.
You know what we should do? We should enroll you in some man classes.
Well, well, well.
Look who's here.
While you two guys were off dottin' your I's and crossing your t's, I was busy cracking your case.
It worked.
You're finally in.
- Who the hell is he? - He's our client.
You have a guy on the inside, and you need me to get you in here, come on! I didn't get all the clearances I was hoping for, okay? Jervis works here part-time.
He doesn't exactly get the respect he deserves.
Hey! How the hell'd you two get in here? - You're coming with me.
- I don't think so.
Bam! Say it with me, vis-it-or's badge uh-huh, uh-huh do something.
I dare you.
I'll be watching you.
We'll be gettin' watched.
We gotta hurry.
I'm not supposed to be off lawn duty.
- I'll show you where you're sleeping.
- I'm not sleepin' anywhere.
I at least got them to give Talmadge the other empty bed in Oswald's room.
Yeah, you practically own the joint.
Jervis, give him the scoop, so he'll shut up for a minute.
Oswald disappeared from this room three mornings ago without a trace.
I'm gonna ask the first question that my son should have asked.
- Have you tried the police? - The police? The police couldn't catch bird flu at a Hong Kong duck farm.
They blew me off just like the staff here did.
Anything else you wanna tell us, Mr.
Kent? - No, not that I can think of.
- Are you sure? Dad, what are you getting at? Just spit it out.
Shawn, Oswald Chester disappeared from these grounds 12 times before.
And the last three instances they threatened to throw his ass outta here if he ever did it again.
Don't you check these nutcases out before you take 'em on? Is that true, Jervis? Uh, yes.
Did you also happen to mention to my son that during these jaunts, the community here filled out a missing persons report.
Only to have good old Ozzie pop up the next day.
Guys, I know what this sounds like.
but Ozzie did not run off on his own.
Not this time.
And you know this how? He was my best friend.
I could always tell when he was getting antsy, when he wanted to run.
But this time there were no warning signs.
He just vanished into thin air.
Jervis, life lesson number 20: people lie.
Then they leave without warning.
Life sucks.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.
I'm getting something.
It's strong.
Could be alligator.
He left without his wallet.
He doesn't have his wallet.
That's amazing.
Can't get very far without cash.
Can you, pop? Yeah, and all his cash and credit cards are still in his wallet.
- You went through his wallet? - Of course I did.
I'm investigating this thing too, you know.
I have a theory based on formaldehyde and mind control.
Jervis, do you mind if I confer with my two grandsons here for a moment while we work through all this? But you haven't heard my identical twins theory.
First thing tomorrow morning.
All right, Shawn, come on.
Let's go.
There is no case here.
This guy is just AWOL.
Hey, look at this.
Oswald was on prazosin for high blood pressure.
Why would he possibly leave without his partalecsdnt You can fill that prescription anywhere, Shawn.
- He went running.
- What? He was traing for a marathon.
Those numbers are the distances he was trying to reach.
And the date that's circled is the Santa Barbara marathon.
And how do you know that? Easy, it's the same as Val Kilmer's birthday.
We gotta figure out where he went jogging.
All right, Shawn, I'm gonna humor ya.
Let's get outta here.
Humor me? That was spot on.
It's like almond butter with honey.
You only know that because you have an unhealthy fascination with the guy from real genius.
Okay, that's it.
You're not coming with us.
I am going down to that Nazi lady at the front desk, and I am having your in/out privileges revoked.
Oh, Mr.
This is Meredith Cloverfield.
Hi, I'm in charge of room service here.
She's gonna check on your special dietary needs.
Now, do you have any digestive issues? - No, no, not - Don't let him lie to you, Miss Cloverfield.
He has a very weak heart.
All he can have is egg whites and powdered dirt.
And he shouldn't have any solid foods after noon.
- Is that true? - No, no.
My son is a liar.
- Your son? - No, no.
I, uh, my grandson too.
Both liars.
Big filthy liars.
So how are we gonna blindly trace a man's jogging path? We're gonna use my indian blood.
You can't get indian blood by working in a casino.
Maybe you can't.
Dude, this place goes nowhere.
If I was gonna run, I'd go that way.
Now where do we go? I sense he'd go this way.
That's amazing, Shawn.
Man, this guy was in good shape.
Would you stop it? He was, like, 100.
Maybe if you weren't wearing plowman's boots.
I'm not wearing plowman's boots, Shawn! All right, looks like we got two options.
I say we go this way.
Hold up, let's think this through for a minute.
What are you doing? I'd go uphill first, save the downhill part for the home stretch.
Plus this side gets better shade in the afternoon.
I'm also sensing some water buffalo nearby.
What is that? Your indian blood? They were here first, Gus.
Don't ever forget that.
- Always hatin' on the indians.
- It's not the indians, Shawn.
I'm hatin' on you.
Dude, that rock is sprayed with arterial red.
- Maybe it's roadkill.
- Taste it.
- What is that about? - What? My whole life you've been trying to get me taste blood.
Every time I cut myself or scrape myself, it was, Shawn, taste it, lick it.
"It'll make you feel better.
" It does.
Lick it.
- It's not my blood.
- It's on a rock.
It's exactly what a marathon runner would be carrying around with him.
How far would you say we are from the community? I would say about six miles.
- I guess we found the place where he fell.
- Yeah, we did.
Now we got a bigger problem.
If he's not at the community, and he's not here, where the hell is his body? This is the closest hospital to the drop zone.
If someone came across Oswald's body, this is where he would be.
Hi there.
We're looking for my father, Oswald Chester.
I'm sorry, we don't have anyone here by that name.
You know what? He left his ID at home.
Can you check for a John Doe, please? Actually, can you check all the Doe's? Tae-kwon, cookie, play, do-si? I'm sorry.
Visiting hours just ended.
- Looks like we're gonna have to go incognito.
- Shawn Candy striper? Really? I didn't even know they made those uniforms for men.
They just started.
There was a lawsuit.
I'm just saying, aim higher.
I hope you understand what a huge break you're getting here.
This back seat smells like foot.
I mean, seriously, did something die back here? That's the smell of your future unless you straighten up and fly right.
What's your story, baby? - Excuse me? - It's detective O'Hara, punk.
- And that's strike one.
- Is he always like this? Call me baby again, you're gonna get on my bad side too.
Whoa, what bad side? All good from where I'm sitting.
Hey, unless you wanna pee in front of seven other guys for the rest of your life, you will respect the badge.
- Why don't you tell me why you're acting out? - I'm not acting out! - He started it! - I was talking to the kid.
Did anyone tell you that your hair smells like strawberries? It's peaches.
I have to buy peaches on the way home.
I just remembered.
- So, uh, Juliet - It's detective O'Hara! - Strike two.
- You gotta lighten up, man.
You get to hang out with this amazingly hot woman all day long.
Detective O'Hara's an officer of the law.
She is a competent investigator, efficient with her paperwork, and maintains her work space in a clean and orderly fashion.
But she is above all things, not hot! Wheelchair to admitting.
Wheelchair to admitting.
That's Oswald! Let's find out what happened.
Medical students? - Residents.
- It's all the same to me.
I am Dr.
I am filling in today.
This is my personal candy striper Knik-Knac.
- Hello.
- He's from Guam.
We will be instructing you.
Let's begin.
You, impress me.
This patient is three days post-op.
He has an open wound, which is healing nicely.
Knic-knac, get a hold of yourself.
Or I'll put you on the first raft back to Talofo.
God, that looks like roadkill.
Yeah, is what his family probably thought when they came here to visit.
Because they love him.
You know what? I was I was thinking of something more in an older guy.
Athletic build.
Perhaps in a coma or a coma-like state.
The patient behind you's in a coma.
No sh Perfect.
Let's begin there.
John Doe.
Admitted two days ago with severe hypotension causing low brain perfusion.
Also suffered intracranial bleed from syncope and falling down.
What the hell's wrong with you? Where do you get off using all those long, complicated words in front of the patient? You know, when I went to school where one goes to become a doctor - Med school.
- Yes, there was something called bedside manner.
Do they not teach that anymore? Uh, sir, this patient's unconscious.
He can't hear me.
You're wrong.
You're dead wrong.
He can hear you.
Sure, his body is sleeping, but inside he is dancing.
- He is feeling it.
- He's doing his thing.
And he hears you say all those scary words, and he retreats right back into his mind.
Now, do you wanna help this patient or not? Of course, sir.
Then speak to me like I'm ten years old.
He had a sudden drop in blood pressure, which deprived his brain of blood.
He also suffered a contusion and small cerebral hemorrhage.
Talk to me like I'm five.
His blood pressure went boom? - And his brain got an owie.
- I see.
- And why do we suspect foul play? - We don't suspect foul play.
Oh, really? You don't find anything at all strange about his condition? Well, his BP didn't come up immediately when we administered fluids.
- And what does that tell us? - He probably took too much of his blood pressure medication by accident.
Sometimes the elderly have to take a lot of pills at different dosages, or they take it, forget, and take it again.
But there's nothing criminal about that.
No, there's not.
Well done.
Both of you.
I don't know about you, but I'm drained.
What do you say we take a fiver? Grab a coke.
Maybe play some frogger.
Doctor, we still have a lot of patients to see.
Five minutes isn't gonna kill them, is it? - Is it? - We did it, Gus.
We beat my dad.
Proved our point.
Now let's rub it in a little.
Maybe make fun of his toes.
Give Jervis the good news.
- Get the hell out of here.
- I hear that.
I'm starved.
That's four in a row, Talmadge.
You're on fire! You just broke the pines record.
For what? Number of times jumping in without breaking a hip? Yeah, that's funny, kid.
Hey, Talmy, who is this? Oh, this is my S grandson Shawn and his Hey, guys, meet buddy Markowitz.
He used to be a stand-up in the catskills.
And Rodrigo Lopez, one-time number five, clearly no longer, lightweight champion of the world.
Ah, and that's my asian friend Hoo Flung Poo.
- I don't get it.
- That guy wasn't even asian.
Well, that's what makes it funny.
You mind if we steal g- pop here for a second? Just as long as he's back in time for the cannonball competition! Oh, yeah! Oh, thank you.
What are you wearing? Well, you didn't pack me any trunks, Shawn.
This is the only thing I could borrow.
Yeah, well, while you've been here playing at campcoon, we've been Busy solving the case.
We found Oswal, he was in the hospital.
Time to get you outta here.
No, no, no, no.
We can't leave yet.
- Why not? - This case isn't over.
Look, this place is a hot bed of suspicious activity.
Hey there.
Here's your sandwich, Talmadge.
Well, thank you, Meredith.
Thank you, where's that barbecue sauce? You know Pamela really doesn't like complainers here.
You know you Lucky.
You should see the food give my mother over at that horrible sunshine Meadows place.
It is one step above cat food.
Gee, Mer, I'd feel a whole lot luckier if the sweetest woman in the world would score me just a little teensy, eensy, weensy bit of steak sauce.
Come on.
- Your grandfather is a flirt.
- You are, ah! That is disgusting.
You like it here.
You, you do.
That's That's why you wanna keep investigating.
Because you like the sandwiches and the adulation.
Shawn, I'm telling you.
Something else is going on here.
Dad, we found Oswald.
There's nothing left to solve.
Admit it.
We beat you because we have the sweetness.
All right, clear a path, folks.
Coming through.
It's all right.
You have the sweetness? What about that guy, Shawn? What about that one? They're dropping like flies.
- You saw the bracelets, didn't you? - Yes, I saw them.
All right, so we got three guys all living at the same place.
They all get sick, and for some reason they're all wearing the same bracelets.
What were you saying again, Shawn, about solving this case? Soemone is treint of old timers, at glorious pines.
Three people have gotten suddenly sick there.
It could be an angel of death type thing.
You know, that is a brilliant theory.
But what you've failed to take into account is that it's five degrees hotter today than the same day last year.
Frogs can't swallow with their eyes open.
It's true.
I'm sorry, I thought we were offering up useless pieces of information.
What Lassiter here means is that it's not out of the ordinary for older people to fall ill during heat waves or cold snaps.
Look, we found Oswald when you were convinced he was just wandering around in his bathrobe.
This is our client, Jervis Kent.
I mean, shouldn't you call forensics in? Look at wills.
Interview beneficiaries.
I learned that at the police academy.
You went to the academy? I thought I recognized that name.
Aren't you the guy who set his black and white on fire during the academy road test? Yeah, you shot someone's toe off at the police firing range.
It didn't come all the way off.
I saw him yesterday.
- He still has a limp.
- Spool! Threads, thread.
I'm seeing thread.
Spinning, and, and, bobbing and weaving.
Arting, yet crafting.
Homemade bracelets.
All three of them had the same bracelet.
Well, in that case, O'hara, call CNN because we've got their new lead story.
Do the doctors who've been treating any of these patients suspect foul play? No, Chief.
Well, double-check.
Spencer, as always it's been an experience.
You know where the exit is.
I gotta finesse that do you see what happens when you act like a Jackass all the time? No one takes you seriously.
If you do not wanna end up like that buffoon, you better learn to walk the straight and narrow.
I don't like that guy.
There's hope for you yet, kid.
And what was all that bracelet talk? I sensed a common thread.
Pun intended.
You mean the friendship bracelets? Those came from Chelsea.
She makes them herself in craft class.
And she doesn't just give 'em to anybody.
Dude, she's totally dancing with my dad.
Where did they learn the tango? Grab a partner.
Meet me on the dance floor.
So you knew my friend Oswald, right? He courted me a little.
Can I, get cutsies? Find your own partner, Shawn.
I don't mind, Talmadge.
I haven't had this many men ask me to dance since Nixon went to China.
My name is Shawn.
I'm Talmadge's Grandson.
I'm trying to meet all of his new friends.
Did he happen to mention that I'm a Psychic? Psychic.
Really? I sensed a dark cloud.
And then, did you hear about what happened to Harley? The paramedics and all of that stuff? Of course I heard.
He's an ex-boyfriend of mine.
You dance divinely, Burton.
Thank you.
My turn, Shawn.
So you're quite the queen bee around here? You have many boyfriends here at glorious pines? I've had my share of romantic trysts.
Men fall in love easily when I start taking care of them.
What do you mean? Now spin me.
They call it the Florence nightingale effect.
So you're a nurse.
You must have done a lot of work here with different medications.
Well, not anymore.
All I do now is lead the heart-smart high blood pressure seminar once a month.
That's where I met Harley and Oswald.
Save me a seat at bingo.
Shawn, come back here! We learned that all the victims had high blood pressure, so they might have been on the same medications.
I learned that old people are heavy.
Look, my prized students believe that Ozzie got sick because he overdosed on his medication.
Maybe they all did.
Which means either three different people all accidentally - took too many pills - Or someone else slipped it to them.
Wait, wait, wait a minute.
I overheard a couple of the guards talking about a break-in at the on-site pharmacy here last week.
Really? You wait until just now to tell us that? The thief got away with codeine and oxycontin.
But I think they also got away with blood pressure medication.
So that stuff was just a cover to make it look like drug-seeker.
The BP Meds were the real target.
All right, at least that gives us the how.
Now we just gotta figure out the why.
Which reminds me, gus, will you please get us those tickets for the who? Where? Look, we need to get a list of all the people on blood pressure medication.
- They're all targets.
- That's something Pamela would have.
We gotta get her outta there.
The real Talmadge's stuff showed up this morning.
He's gonna be here today.
I bet she'll come out if a resident hurt themselves.
Take a spill down the stairs.
- What? - Just take a quick header down the stairs.
I'm not gonna deliberately hurt myself, break my neck to create a distraction.
Push you.
It'll be an accident.
Does that make it easier? What? You have to do something.
My toe! Hey, I hurt my toe here.
- You stubbed your toe? - Dude, you have to do better than that.
- I'm your father.
You do not call me dude.
- Pull your weight! Come on.
My liver! My liver! Oh, my liver! It could be failing.
You go from one to ten like that? How about a heart attack or a stroke? My liver.
My liver! - Oh, god, it hurts.
- Your liver is fine.
You're not even jaundiced.
Abdominal pain can be caused by a lot of things.
You're not even holding your liver.
That's your spleen.
My spleen? It's my spleen! It's about to rupture! Now, now, now, now, mr.
McGulager, settle down.
Oh, it's so painful! We need to find a list of people's medications.
I think this is it! No, this is the waiting list.
Dude, Oswald's getting kicked out.
It says FTC next to his name.
The other two victims as well.
Ferocious tiger what? FTC means full time care.
Looks like all the victims need additional nursing assistance now.
What? They get kicked out for that? This place won't accept anybody that needs continuous medical care.
It was all in the informational handbook.
That's what's happening here.
Someone on the waiting list got tired of waiting.
Recognize any of those names? We just found our bad guy! What? What? Is someone in there? - Take the window.
- Who's in there? Lester! Lester, I need the key.
This is Darryl Jablonsky.
He's currently doing a nickel at the state pen.
- Darryl.
- Meet JJ.
Call me "hell on earth.
" We all thought JJ would benefit in meeting you, hell.
See, you two have a lot in common.
JJ here is also a tough guy.
He's not afraid of the law.
So what you in for? Vandalism.
So why don't you take his rap sheet back to chucke.
Cheese, man, because the only thing you're gonna get in here is curbed for a Chicago smile and, I'm sorry.
I just can't do this now.
Okay, I think he's got the message.
Prison is hell.
Let's go.
Can't do what? I can't lie, JJ.
Part of my rehabilitation according to Dr.
I'm not supposed to be lying, and things.
So tell me for real.
What's it like in prison? For real? It ain't bad.
I hang out with my best friend, "White Slavery," most of the day.
We go work out.
Chill in the library.
We got the correctionson CD.
It's read by Robert Forster.
It's pretty good.
It's tight, man.
I enjoyed it.
Then we go back again.
We work out.
We eat and sleep.
We chit chat.
Play ball.
You know what I mean? We do what we do, man.
It's, like, good living out here, man.
Okay, but the guards are merciless.
Nah, man, they're pretty cool, man.
Actually, we're having a birthday party for one of them later on today.
Hey, is tyrone baking the cake, man? All right.
I even have a job in prison, man.
Telemarketer, man.
Best seller of this month.
Believe that.
It's all right in here, man.
Don't worry about a thing.
You're gonna have a blast, man.
Okay, this is absolutely pointless.
Let's go.
Come on! Thanks for nothing, Darryl.
By the way, you can kiss that recommendation at your next parole board hearing sayonara.
That's cool.
I hear we're getting a frappucino machine next month.
So, what goes 10, Bo Derek getting old! Hey.
Is this thing on? There is a malicious force at work in glorious pines! The recent rash of illnesses here not an accident! What the hell's going on here? He's a Psychic.
Maybe he's having an episode.
Yes, and I can feel that the culprit is right here in this room, and it's you! Me? Well, I can't lie.
I've killed on stage.
No, no, no.
Not you.
Her! Who me? No, not you.
Her! Meredith Cloverfield! What? A name is coming to my brain.
Help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, Rhonda! Rhonda Cloverfield.
Your dear old mother at Sunshine Meadows.
Seventh on the waiting list to get into the pines.
But you couldn't stand watching her rot away at that hell hole.
'cause there's no sunshine, and there's no meadows! You love her.
So you tried to bump her up that waitlist.
The first thing you did, break into the pharmacy, snatch yourself some blood pressure medication.
And then you targeted the people that were already taking those pills, whose food you served.
Chelsea's bracelets practically marked 'em for you.
First up, Oswald Chester.
You knew he carbed up before a run.
It was the perfect opportunity to make him overdose.
This is outrageous.
- I couldn't hurt a fly.
- But you could.
But she did! Almost kill two other members of this community.
A couple more people, and you and your mother would have been reunited, and it would have felt so good.
Talmadge McGulager.
Our cover's blown.
Wrap it up, Shawn.
Check her pockets for pills! I think she's got some on her right now! How dare you? Do you have a prescription for these? Everyone here in the room with high blood pressure, your food may be poisoned! That's right.
Spit it out! Get some baggies, 'cause this stuff is evidence.
Jervis, baby, slap the cuffs on her.
All I've got is a Rubber band and some twisty ties.
It's fine, it's great just call the police! Gotta go! Peace! Mr.
Spencer, good work on that retirement community case.
Here's your check to show our gratitude.
Thank you.
And in case you were wondering, miss Cloverfield made a full confession.
I'm sorry, Chief.
This Demon Spawn is beyond my help.
I've tried threatening him.
I've tried scaring him.
I even tried bribery.
I told you kids want Xboxes, not hot chocolate.
Does anyone know how to get Swiss Miss out of silk? Lemon wedges.
All this kid cares about is what O'Hara's wearing and where she works out.
I'm a little curious myself.
Chief, since he has some sort of strange attachment to me, maybe I should try talking to him alone.
Use my office.
Hey, you.
Let's go.
What is going on in there? I'm sorry for all the trouble I caused earlier.
And I promise it won't happen again.
Well, I'm glad I finally got through to you.
And I thank you for your time, and for keeping the streets of Santa Barbara safe.