Psych Episode Scripts

N/A - The Head, the Tail, the Whole Damn Episode

Shawn, you have to understand why I'm conflicted here.
It's very difficult to comfort you Over what is the worst sequel ever made.
Dad Shawn, you are not gonna be eaten by a shark.
Sharks do not attack people willy-nilly.
That's crazy.
So many random scenarios have to line up.
- Really? - Of course.
First of all, the shark has to be hungry.
He has to be attracted to jumping, kicking, Or sudden movements in the water Or maybe even somebody with a cut.
But isn't it true That most shark attacks occur in 3 feet of water? Of course it is.
But that's where the swimmers are.
So that's a skewed sample.
Do I watch for the fin? No, that only happens in the movies.
You never see them coming.
That's why they're called the silent killers.
I thought that was hypertension.
Either way, stop thinking about it.
Could you do that? Yeah.
Okay.
Anyways, don't they sleep during the day? No, sharks never sleep.
Just get out there, have some fun, And remember-- slow, steady movements.
Get in.
That a boy.
Aah! Carlton, what are you doing? No time to talk, o'hara.
Just keep taking notes.
What's the rush? That.
Every time we get a high-profile case, You know what's gonna happen next.
Spencer's gonna waltz in here, Make some crazy proclamation about what happened, And in five days, he's gonna be right.
Well, not today.
Mcnab? Hold back the wonder twins.
Oh, come on.
Really, buzz? This is the thanks I get for giving you a cat And finding a guy to remove your "baja men" tattoo? Sorry, guys.
He's really determined today.
- Let's just go.
- Yeah, you're probably right.
You don't want to go down there.
I know how you feel about dead things.
- What? - You know, the whole Not only is that an affront to my character, shawn, But I'll have you know, I'm turning over a new leaf.
I'm now hardened.
I've seen it all.
You've seen it all through the cracks in your fingers While you're hiding your eyes.
You know what? That's it.
We've been doing this for four years.
I don't need you to look out for me.
I have a new name now.
For now on, I want you to call me "guts.
" - We all call you that.
- No.
"guts," shawn.
- What--what are you saying? - "guts"! - You're saying "guts"? - Yes.
- That's too close to gus.
- You know, never mind.
Call me "old ironside.
" - michael ironside? Old iron stomach-- That's me.
Carlton, you can't solve a case in four minutes.
Can't I? I think I can.
I've seen it done.
- Not by you.
- Thanks for that.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean that.
You are a great detective.
It's just that-- There's a piercing in the skin.
There are lots of them.
It's a shark attack.
No.
No, this one's different.
It's cleaner.
It's a knife wound.
A knife wound? - Spencer would say it.
- You're not him.
And thank the sweet lord for that.
It's now or never, o'hara.
Week after week, I sit idly by Doing life-sucking, soul-eating detailed police work While he just bounces in And hops from one wild conclusion to the next, Only to be right.
This knife wound is good.
It's big.
And I'm gonna jump on it before he does.
Today I'm going to out-spencer spencer.
All right, mcnab.
Send them down.
Go ahead.
Carlton, no good can come of this.
It can only end disastrously.
If by disastrously you mean triumphantly, Then, yes, I agree.
If not, I would like to invite you, in the nicest way possible, To shut it.
Is this the same shark spotted last week By the whale-watching boat? Can you give us any details on the shark attack? Well, we've got a couple problems with that.
First of all, our victim is a john doe.
And what's the other problem? - Watch how I do this.
- Please don't make me.
Our victim wasn't killed by a shark.
He was murdered.
no, seriously.
No, I'm--I'm not kidding.
He was murdered.
What about those things that look like shark bites? Yeah, those are shark bites.
and those at the shoulder? Yes, those are also shark bites.
Can you spell your last name? Are you telling me you don't know how to spell lassiter? No, I do.
I just want to see if you did.
one follow-up question.
Does the shark have an alibi? Do you think the shark can have a fair trial In this jurisdiction, Or will you have to pick your jury from the aquarium? * in between the lines, there's a lot of obscurity * * I'm not inclined to resign to maturity * * if it's all right * * then you're all wrong * * but why bounce around to the same damn song * * you'd rather run when you can crawl * * I know you know * * that I'm not tellin' the truth * * I know you know * * they just don't have any proof * * embrace the deception * * learn how to bend * * your worst inhibitions * * tend to psych you out in the end * "detective dipstick at it again?" What the hell do they mean "again"? It's the courier.
It's not even a real newspaper.
Besides, nobody reads the paper these days anyway.
- Why didn't you stop me? - Oh, I don't know.
I guess I was busy rsvping my invitation to "shut it.
" - Sorry about that.
- Yeah.
Look, you can still salvage this.
We just forget yesterday ever happened, And we find out who it was that washed ashore.
I've been at this all night.
Nobody's been reported missing locally or statewide.
I can't even I.
D.
The body.
I'm the worst detective ever.
Mr.
Dipstick Might I get you to sign my copy of today's paper? Okay, that is libel Or slander.
It's also copyright infringement.
I registered this six months ago.
He did.
Also "officer whoopsie.
" - I forgot about that.
- Yeah.
Don't worry, you get 5% of any action-figure money When hasbro comes on board.
- This is your fault, spencer.
- My fault? Yeah, you got all up in my head.
okay, first of all, I wouldn't last five minutes in your head.
That was just some innocent ribbing between colleagues.
But here's the thing I honestly think you're on the right track, lassie.
If you hadn't had mcnab stop us, We probably would have made the same guess.
I would have guessed ape attack.
Gus, it's never, ever an ape attack.
Oh, it will be.
Mark my words.
You saw the knife wound, did you not? It looked like a knife wound, And I've regretted it ever since I said it.
No.
Don't regret it.
Don't you see? This should be the best moment of your life.
You should-- you should feel liberated In your guts, because you're following your guts! You found the piece that didn't fit, And even though you don't know how it connects, You announced it to the world anyway.
Spencer, one loose end doesn't make it foul play.
- It doesn't? - How do you think We've stayed in business these last four years? But what if it does, lassie? We're comrades now.
I do this all the time.
I can walk you through this.
This is just the weird part Of the "spit out a crazy theory" process.
You say it, everyone thinks you're crazy, You're incompetent, you should probably color your sideburns.
Truth We're one in the same.
We're "shassie" now.
We're "sharlton.
" We're "spencitter.
" Oh, my god.
Make no mistake.
This is definitely your fault.
I've heard that, But I'm trying to figure out how.
We are going to the coroner's office, And you're coming with.
Sweet.
I love that guy.
All right, I can take it.
It was a shark attack, right? I was told to wait.
For what? Woody! Hello, friend.
Now we can begin.
The victim was chewed off just below the waist - Tin tummy.
- Iron stomach.
Was found wearing a very expensive watch, Not waterproof Which is not typical of a serious boatsman.
We have no fingerprints, naturally, As there-- there are no fingers.
Continue.
Cut off at the wrist, huh? Interesting.
Is there anything to help us I.
D.
Him? Dental records were inconclusive.
We do have the remnants of a belt, Which means the man probably had a wallet on him Which would likely still be inside the shark, Until it's digested.
At the very least, we could find a finger in there We could get a print off of.
- How do you feel? - Peachy.
All right, I give up.
Our prime suspect is a shark.
What? You're giving up on the murder thing already? What about the suspicious stab wound? Well, now that I look at it, You know, in the lights and everything, It looks just like a shark-bite wound.
Don't do it, lassie.
Don'tDo it.
Stick to your guns.
Follow your instincts.
Believe in yourself like I believe in you.
Do not start singing right now.
Actually, lassie, That particular wound- it's intriguing.
Now, I'm not saying it's likely, But I cannot, in good conscience, According to my oath, say it is not a knife wound.
What do you mean? You see, it's It's jagged, like a tooth mark, But it's slightly different from the others.
It's difficult to tell without finding the rest of the body, But it could have been made by a knife.
So you're saying I could have been right? Well, the knife would have to have Many of the characteristics of shark teeth.
What would this knife look like? Well, uh, probably something Like this.
And then we've got, you know, the teeth Jagged there.
Sure.
Dear god, what am I doing? This is half a man.
It's all right.
Look.
Look at that.
You see that? You see it match? - It's a reach.
- Reach? Lassie Do you ever get tired of being wrong, Of being beaten to the punch? Would you trust your guts And let those reporters know That it is them who are actually the dipsticks? All right.
Let's get a chopper in the air, Get us a boat and a decent fishermen.
We're gonna find this shark, slice it open, I.
D.
The victim, And then we're gonna figure out who wanted to murder him.
Yes! Do my theories sound that insane? Sometimes insaner.
- So we're back on murder? - Shut it.
You say that again, I shoot you.
That is the spirit, man.
You are back on the crazy train.
You want to know how I do it next? That felt like a reluctant no.
We should follow.
What in the world is going on here? Somebody put out a $10,000 reward For the capture of the shark.
Now every nut job in town with an outboard Is hitting the water trying to find it.
Whoa! - Is that dynamite? Wait, wait, wait.
Stop right there, you backwoods hill people.
There is evidence in that shark! Get back-- Have you got a license for that? This is where it gets harder.
Leave me alone.
Sir, I need to commandeer your boat.
It's vegetarian.
Okay, so you're telling me That every boat you have has been rented.
Every lure, every reel.
$10,000 reward is a lot of money, officer.
Really? You see this? Well, that ain't gonna make a boat suddenly appear.
It isn't gonna fix my engine either.
Really? All right, then, how about this? Carlton! Check with me tomorrow.
I may have this thing up and running by dawn.
No, no, tomorrow's way too late.
I need you to fix thing thing now! You're worse than that guy in the papers.
What's his name, detective - Dipstick! - Not another word! Who's that? He's not with me.
I can't believe I'm supporting this, But I have managed to secure a police boat.
Sweet! We can put our heads together-- Two mismatched partners off on a harebrained adventure.
Spencer, I want nothing to do with you.
We are not compadres.
We are not partners.
We are nothing.
Are we at least amigos? - Homeboys? - Platonic soul mates? No.
Shove off, captain.
I've got a man-eating shark to catch With evidence inside.
It's almost as if we're not invited.
No.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, not you too.
What? You're going after the shark reward? What? What are you, crazy? What's with all the equipment? This stuff belongs to a buddy of mine.
We're gonna go out, and we're gonna hunt some marlin.
Wayans? Well, it's about time.
Get out there, quick, before they make another white chicks.
White chicks was hilarious, shawn.
Look, carlton, so you didn't catch the shark.
It doesn't mean you're a bad cop.
It only means that you're a bad-- Fisherman? I'm sorry Were you about to say that I'm a bad fisherman? That's not what I meant.
I am only saying That what happened today is not a reflection On your abilities as a detective.
I was being supportive.
By saying I'm a bad fisherman.
Only comparatively I mean, I didn't see Anybody else get their tie caught in a reel Or fire their gun pointlessly into the water.
It wasn't pointlessly! I told you, that driftwood looked like a dorsal fin.
Then why did you yell freeze and hold your badge up first? Force of habit.
And we both know that we got skunked, Because we got stuck with inadequate gear.
- It looked fine to me.
- Are you k-- I would have had better luck Just politely asking the fish to jump in the boat.
Trust me, o'hara, you know nothing about fishing.
Actually, I once spent three weeks with my dad On a charter off islamorada.
We fed tarpon by hand.
You know what, little miss "I obviously have daddy issues"? If you want me to take a trip down memory lane with you, Why don't you start by not insulting the core of my being? Fishing is one of my top-five skills Right behind profiling and skee-ball.
Carlton, you are taking this personally.
I am only suggesting that we bring in an expert.
Well, maybe I'm suggesting that you shut it! Wow.
Wow.
I am so sorry.
I-I'm just dehydrated.
Hey! I haven't seen that thing in two years.
Man, I need to get my numbers up.
We haven't had a paying case in three weeks.
Don't you worry.
I'm about to crack the shark murder case.
What? You're kidding, right? Check this out.
Shark tooth fi-letter.
- Filleter? This thing probably Kind of makes The same, exact wound we saw at the coroner's office.
- Let me get this straight- - you're doing real police work, And lassiter's following some crazy hunch? Stranger things have happened.
Name one.
Michelle pfeiffer dated fisher stevens.
And then he actually cheated on her.
It really wasn't about the reward.
It's about keeping the water safe.
But, uh, we got him.
We brought him in.
And, uh We'll make a few dinners out of him.
Ha! I knew you lied to me at the marina.
I did not lie to you.
I was going out to hook a marlin, And I hooked a killer shark instead.
Now I'm a hero and $10,000 richer-- Serendipity.
We need to see that shark.
Oh, what? Oh, so now you're interested in fishing? Sort of.
Gus and I need a subject For an icky thump-ology experiment We're doing in our tree-house lab.
The study of fish is called ichthyology, shawn.
That's right, gus.
Remind me to put it on my list of funny words, Right between avuncular and mangrove.
We just need to see the shark's teeth To see if they match a wound.
Wait a second.
Are you workin with detective dipstick on this? - You're calling him that too? - I tried not to.
It just rolls right off the tongue.
Where is this thing, in the fridge? Shawn, what do you think? It's 9 feet long! I have it on ice, But it's at an undisclosed location.
I'm getting something.
It's not dull.
Sharp's storage! Disclosed.
Did you just pretend to be a psychic, to me? - Sorry.
It's force of habit.
- Nobody is touching that shark.
We will be in and out in a matter of minutes.
I've got a photographer coming down tomorrow morning To take a picture of me with it.
- What, for your facebook page? - No.
Magazine.
- Fish digest? - Bald guys quarterly? Coot's life? Stop it.
Well, I feared it would be a spencer That got to that shark before me.
I just can't believe it turned out to be the other one.
I think I should be offended.
Gus? Compliment to you.
Insult to your dad.
Well-executed two-fister.
Nice, lassie.
That shark is part of my ongoing investigation, And I need to see it, spencer.
Oh, that seems to be going around.
Henry, I'm appealing to you as a policeman and a father.
What the hell do you know about being a father? It's official! You heard detective dipstick.
Let's do this.
There isn't somebody here to let you in? He was here.
He was here.
He had the key.
Are you sure you can do this? I can do anything I want! - Son of a-- - whoa.
Lassie, I know what you're thinking.
But I am not getting any pleasure Out of your "beflusterment" at this moment.
Not true-- I'm getting a fair amount.
But I'm still on your side.
Well? Don't look at me like that.
That fish was gonna pay for my new roof.
Well, this is just great.
Someone steals my shark.
Now they're impeding a police investigation, And what's more, I look like a total fool.
I get it--all of a sudden, this is all about you.
- Oh, don't you get all - Lassie.
- Self-righteous on me, henry.
- Father! I am in the middle of a murder investigation, And all you're worried about is your stupid prize money.
- A murder investigation? - Look, guys I can't believe I'm saying this, But let's be reasonable.
-And hid it in a freakin' storage - Where did the lock - Pick up a telephone.
Say, "hey, lassiter, I"-- The thief was here recently, within the hour.
I couldn't pick up my phone.
I dropped it in the water.
Would you cut the crap? You sound worse than your kid! See that trail of ice? It's barely melted.
That means whoever did this is still near.
So what, you're gonn track a shark on land? Somehow it seems eier than doing it on the water.
I'm pretty sure it's not.
I will track this thing just like I tracked that sea lion To the deepest part of the big blue.
You stole a guy's old gps coordinates r that, shawn.
That changes the result how? I can narrow it down to that way.
Give me your keys.
- No.
- It's a few blocks away.
- I don't care.
- Dad! - It's right there! Dad! I'm sensing your shark.
It's nearby.
Warm up your super-sniffer.
We're gonna need it.
I got it.
we'll drive.
The toothed beast is here.
Where? Somewhere OO-over--over there.
Here.
- Shawn No, it's this general It's this general a-area here.
Probably Stuffed back behind these large beads of I'm wrong! It's this way.
It's-- Oh, my gosh.
Yeah.
It's definitely over there.
That's just-- that's just foul.
Aah! Oh! Aah! aah! Oh! No.
I'm okay.
And thank you so mh For helping get the big, dead shark off of me! Someone didn't want us to find the contents Of this shark's belly.
We're looking at a cover-up.
Actually, you're looking at the wrong shark.
- Who the hell are you? - Dr.
Kimberly phenix.
I run the ocean studies department at the university.
I'm also a pretty decent shark expert.
I didn't call for a shark expert.
Actually, you did.
Your partner called me yesterday, but I was out.
So you're the one they call, um, detective dipstick? Detective lassiter, carlton lassiter.
Head detective carlton lassiter.
That's okay.
I read the article.
Had some bad ink myself too.
The press can be so snarky.
So how'd you find us? I followed you from sharp's storage.
I was the one honking as you ran through all the red lights.
Whoa.
That is the god-given right Of any working police officer, lady.
Yeah, I was talking about him.
So I saw you on tv when you caught this guy.
Can't say I wasn't a little impressed.
Ah, well, thank you, miss, I, uh-- Miss--that's sweet, but it's doctor.
Or just kim.
But not dr.
Kim, 'cause I'm not a radio show host.
All right, doctor-- kim-- I'm gonna have to respectfully disagree with you About that fish.
- Yeah, me too.
I've done my homework.
This is the shark.
It's a man-eater, and it's rare for these waters.
You're right, but only kind of.
The shark you're looking for is indeed galeocerdo cuvier-- - A what? - A tiger shark.
- Very good.
- Thank you.
But the shark that attacked that poor man Is probably more in the neighborhood of a 17-footer, Not this little guy.
Wait a minute.
That is not a little guy.
Duly noted.
And, yeah, it is.
Incidentally, I was, um Glad to see that it was a former cop who caught the shark Instead of a shark hunter.
My intentions were good.
He wanted the reward in a big, big way.
I was trying to keep the water safe for the children.
Were you, really? All right, the reward crossed my mind, But a divorced man has to build his nest egg.
Did you just casually slip the word divorced Into a sentence to an apparently single woman? Did you just casually slip single woman into your response? Touche.
- Is this really happening? - Yes.
I think your dad is totally in there.
Oh, please, gus, where's the decorum? he's hitting on this poor woman In the middle of a crime scene.
Shawn, you did that three times in the last year.
I'll be right there.
A leg just washed up over on dodd beach.
Let's go.
- Care to join us? - I'd love to.
- After you.
Man, he's got every play in your book.
Or have you been using his playbook all along? What? It's not a book.
It's a binder.
- What happened to you? - I don't want to talk about it.
who's that? My dad brought a date.
I didn't know he was seeing anyone.
He met her today.
He brought a woman he just met to an autopsy? Yeah, who does that? Shut up.
Maybe if we wait long enough, We'll be able to piece this poor guy together ourselves.
I know how you feel, young man.
You just--you have to breathe.
In, out.
Come on, in, out.
That's it.
Concentrate on your breathing.
You'll do fine.
Massive tissue loss.
- Partially denuded bone, and some odd markings Right here near the ankle.
Almost like he was tethered to something, Like a-a surfboard.
Do we have an I.
D.
On this guy yet? Still pending.
We do have some preliminary data, and I-it's a bit odd.
It appears imbedded right here.
Surface tissue With completely different dna.
The shark must have had this tissue wedged in its teeth When he chomped down on this poor guy.
So what does this mean? It means there was a second victim.
The prevailing wisdom Is that shark attacks are random acts Committed by a beast driven only by its next meal.
But I have a theory that these attacks occur Under conditions determined by a number of variables-- Air and water temperatures, currents, time of year, Things of that sort.
And they're anything but random.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
What? I'm responsible for everyone? The machine's right outside the door.
Anyway, by properly isolating the variables, We can extrapolate the data To predict and even prevent future attacks.
Any questions? Yes.
How long before the fingers Inside the shark's stomach are digested And no longer usable for prints? Carlton, there's more than one victim now.
The idea of murder is seeming like a stretch.
Maybe we should focus on the fact That there's a shark out there eating people.
Yes, but that doesn't mean That our first victim wasn't murdered Before he fell into the water and was devoured by the shark.
So, o'hara-- Do not invite me to shut it.
I-I wasn't going to.
Can you please tell me where this thing is? Yeah.
Based on currents And where the body and the leg washed ashore, I can give you a better approximation, But I'll need some time to run the numbers.
Great.
O'hara, let's get down to that marina And get ourselves some real equipment And find the right shark before some idiot in a sea bus Rolls over it with a propeller.
Lassie, I have never been more in love with you Than I am at this moment.
You are virtually insane! Getting real equipment is going to be a problem.
The mayor just upped the reward to $50,000.
Uh, sorry.
What the hell are we waiting for? Let's get down there.
Is it true the reward's been increased? Yes, the reward has been increased to $50,000 In an effort to keep the beaches open During the holiday weekend.
However, I would like to implore The overzealous middle-school dropouts in the crowd To exercise restraint.
Here's the bottom line.
I'm not going to commandeer your boats, per se, Although I believe I can.
Just know that you'll be performing A great community service If you turn it over us.
Otherwise, I will be arresting you For hindering a police investigation.
What? O'hara, I'm kind of in the middle of something.
come here.
Don't go anywhere.
What? What, what? We found a guy matching the victim's description.
Great! Figure out what he does and who he is.
We know who he is.
He's a web millionaire from seattle.
He came down a couple days ago.
Okay, that's a really strong maybe.
So put mcnab on it and get yourself some dramamine, Because we are gonna stay on that police boat Till we find the shark! - We found his car.
- Wow! Nice! I'm still kind of talking to the sea trash.
It's in the parking lot! - This parking lot? - Yes! It was abandoned three nights ago, And you need to see what's inside.
- Okay, let's go.
- Yeah.
His name is dante pavan.
He has quite the personal crusade going on.
He's an ocean activist, big-time.
Oil drilling, whale-watching excursions-- You name it, he's against it.
Looks like he's brought his personal crusade To santa barbara.
Did he bring a boat? Nope.
And no record of a rental or a purchase.
Never even checked into his hotel.
How did he get so far out in the current With his expensive watch and slacks without a boat? He's been known to stage crazy, elaborate protests.
How crazy? Well, he once threw himself into a commercial fishing net While a load was being pulled in.
He chained himself to a buoy to protest whaling.
That actually made the news.
He did the same thing on an oil-tanker anchor.
Rather odd markings here near the ankle, Almost like he was tethered to something.
Lassie, where'd you go? We were totally videotaping your speech.
And we need you to sign a release For america's funniest home videos.
We're wrapping things up.
We've identified our victim.
What, that's it? You're not going after the shark? The only reason we needed the shark was to I.
D.
The body, Which we've done-- dante pavan.
He's an ocean activist nut job from seattle.
Leads an extreme group called oceans first.
That's so thin.
You're acting insane.
No, what's insane, spencer, Is that I've been listening to you for the last several days.
This is who I am- I am comforted by the facts, And these facts solve crimes.
This was a shark attack, not a murder.
Lassie, mark my words, There is something in that shark.
Why else would somebody steal my dad's And open the thing up? I don't know, spencer.
Somebody wanted the reward money, And they figured out they got the wrong one.
That doesn't make any sense.
O'hara, check any, uh, snorkeling excursions, Whale-watching tours-- See if anyone had a dante pavan on the docket.
Bye, gentlemen.
This is where we part ways.
So what? You want to go home, Or you want to go watch your dad Hit on that lady doctor for a while? I'd rather dip my jewels in honey, Then go on a bear watch.
Our work here is not finished.
There's something in that shark.
We need someone to take us out to sea.
Hey, uh Excuse--if you could-- - What are you doing? - How do you make that sound? ee! Eeee! Eeeee You all know me.
No, we don't.
You know how I make my living.
We're still unclear on who you are.
I'm a psychic, jack! Check your papers, not the front-- Page five and further back, sometimes the personals.
But believe me It's all there.
We remember shabby, don't we? Shabby the sea lion? Well, I tracked him at sea, Found out where the poor fellow was murdered In the entire ocean, The exact spot.
Tell them, gus.
I'd rather not.
You know what else? I found an abandoned boat At sea at night.
I have keen senses.
My senses are very keen.
You know what? I'm gonna lay out my history for you people, And by the end of it, You're all gonna be begging for my services, okay? Four months ago, guy walks into our office, Says, "help me.
I'm a lycan.
" Gus is like, "you're made out of seaweed?" I said, "no, no, gus.
He's a werewolf.
" We dressed up like civil war people, And gus looked like denzel washington in glory.
And some guy built a tunnel About two years ago, Some chick got hit in the head with a tennis-- You know what? Screw that case.
I looked at my partner.
It was like looking at a child lost in a shopping mall.
Luckily, I'd solved the case.
The football players were protecting their bonuses, And that is why they left the disembodied foot On the path in the forest.
- That's not why they did it.
- Yeah, well, uh That one still confuses me.
The point is, that is but 20 Of my many, many cases that I have solved.
You can read the book when I learn how to type.
Sir, the fact that you haven't left Shows me you're not afraid of my gift And are ready to use it to catch this shark.
I think we have ourselves a boat.
Are we gonna get to sing sea chanteys Or any other kind of chanteys? Do you have dramamine, or should I just bring my own? Oh, gus wants to know if you have cable on your boat, Because it's the season finale of leverage, And his tivo's on the fritz.
Your job is to shut up.
Okay, that's good.
That's easy.
I was worried I would draw swabbing the decks, Which is far more difficult than remaining quiet.
You're failing at your job right now.
Says you.
Says the definition of shut up.
Yeah.
I need to get off this boat.
Gus, don't be leon from the like of prayer video Or anything, for that matter.
We might actually get to see a whale.
Fine.
But after the whale.
Hey.
You're on chum duty, princess.
Nice.
All right, magician, where do we go? Well, uh, sharks are very unpredictable, you know, Silent, but deadly.
If it is he who smelt it, Then It is also he who-- Who most likely dealt it.
What the hell are you talking about? Uh These attacks occur under conditions Determined by a number of different variables-- Air and water temperature, time of year, currents, And they're anything but random.
I am sensing a number of variables here-- Uh, air and water temperatures, currents, the time of year.
The shark is definitely in a pattern.
Are you a biologist or a psychic? well The reef! Yes.
I can see it, the reef.
There is a harem of seals gathered there to mate And make succulent fondues.
The shark is also there Waiting.
I know that spot.
A pod seals has been settled in the area.
You might be worth something after all.
Ha! But I believe it's a It is a harem of seals.
Ah! I've heard it both ways.
Hang in there, buddy.
okay, we need to find out What kind of protest stunt pavan pulled In order to get himself accidentally eaten by a shark.
Maybe it wasn't a stunt.
Maybe it wasn't even an accident.
Maybe we jumped off murder too soon.
You with spencer on this now? Come on, o'hara, I just got my head back on straight.
Look at this letter I found in the courier from last month.
The courier? No.
I would rather french-kiss a hobo Than read anything in that rag.
Wow.
A simple "I don't like the writing" Would have made your point.
I'm sorry, o'hara--that paper is not allowed in this station.
So you're going to ignore a clue Because you don't like a reporter? Hate.
Hate is the word, o'hara, And, yes, no good can be found in that paper, Except maybe the obituary for reporter chad gorsuch.
- Really? - An untimely death-- Self-inflicted and painful.
Later to be referred to as gor-suching yourself.
No! He's on a respirator and dying slowly! Oh, that was very therapeutic.
I actually feel quite better.
What do you got? It's an open letter to "the criminal fishing industry Of santa barbara.
" It's fancily worded and a little rambling, But it basically says, "stop your illegal fishing practices, Or I will.
" So he was taking on the whole industry? - Question is- -who was he going after first? Move faster, you pantywaist! Time's wasting! There's 200 other lines in the water right now! Oh, that is really gross, huh? You need to take over.
- I can't do that.
- Why not? I've got to have one hand free to do this.
Ask tanner to do it.
- He says he has a bad wing.
- What the hell does that mean? I don't know! I don't speak salty fisherman.
What's going on down here? We're right over the reef.
I need more, psychic.
Well, I need, uh, quiet Is what I need.
Is there a bed in there that I can lay down on And a pillow that doesn't smell like fish? What the-- I'm also gonna need a little boy's room.
* chum, chum * - Hello? - Hey, dad, help me out here.
I need the number for that doctor lady.
- Shawn, what are you doing? - Nothing.
Shawn Okay, fine, it, uh- -it rhymes with pfark punting.
Shawn, please tell me That you're not going after that shark.
I just need to talk to your lady friend.
- Well, you can't.
- Why not? She's in the bathroom.
- She's there? - Yes.
of course she is.
Fine.
It's fine.
Have her tell you through the door Where the shark is, Because inside its belly is evidence in a murder case.
Shawn, I'm hanging up.
No, no, no, wait a sec.
Dad, dad, dad, dad.
Just tell her to give me a phrase, Just a phrase--anything.
Something that sounds oceanographery-ish.
Good-bye.
Dad.
That figures.
What do we got? We got, uh We got maps, Charts, things with Longitude and all the 'tudes! Oh Bull's-eye, bull's-eye, bull's-eye.
Dante pavan, he's an ocean activist nut job from seattle.
It's jagged Like a tooth mark.
A knife would have to have many of the characteristics Of shark teeth, like this What are you still doing down-- Shh.
I know who the killer is.
Who? We're on his boat.
- How do you know tanner-- - shh! how do you know tanner is the killer? Tanner has a stack of violation As deep as the ocean floor.
Pavan was an activist, remember? Tanner is just the kind of old-school violator That he was railing against.
That's just circumstantial.
- Who are you, lassiter? Wh- -what about these? - Shark-toothed knives? - Exactly! One of those could have made that wound.
Wait a second Where's the medium one? - Exactly, gus- - where is the medium one? It's missing.
You want to know why? Because tanner used it to Kill pavan.
That's nothing but a wild guess.
It fits somehow, gus.
That's why lassiter's always a half a step behind us, Because we follow our instincts, And your first instinct is pure, And you got to grab it- hey, shawn! I got him! I got the son of a bitch! Don't just stand there- help me haul it in! Guster! Dynamite.
Get that dynamite! Are you crazy? We're taking this thing in.
No, we're not.
We're gonna destroy it before it destroys us! Now go! Surface tissue With completely different dna.
Shark must have had this tissue wedged in his teeth When he chomped down on this poor guy.
You were the other victim, weren't you, tanner? Come again? That shark took a bite out of you.
It was your tissue weed in his teeth With your dna.
Yeahyou've been in trouble with various regulatory agencies For years, but you wouldn't change.
Dante pavan tried to stop you once and for all.
That's why you killed him in a struggle, Got rid of the evidence the best way you knew how-- Drawing a shark in to devour the body, Stab wound and all.
But somehow, the shark got the knife And a piece of you too.
When they caught that first shark, You stole it and sliced him open 'cause you thought the only evidence That could bring you down was stuck in its belly.
But it was the wrong shark! And you're not gonna stop until you find the right shark And get rid of the evidence inside of him for good.
Forget this! What the hel are you doing, boy? You're finished, tanner.
Oh, I think this is gonna get messy.
I'm the one with the knife, man.
Oh! If that shark couldn't take me down, I don't think you And the retching pantywaist Here will--aah! That's for calling me a pantywaist.
There's no shame in having a gag reflex.
It's a sign that I'm highly evolved.
I did a bit of research, and what I found was-- Gus, he's out cold.
Oh.
It was nice, though.
Do you have any idea how to drive this thing? Lassie.
I'll be needing a favor from you.
Will you please make sure That the chief gets one of these? Well, of course I'll make sure she gets one of these.
I promise.
You know, I don't write the headlines, But if I did, I probably would have added And does so with foppish aplomb.
You know that's right.
If you take time to read the article, You'll see that we did you justice.
It should effectively quash All that detective dipstick talk.
Except in our office, of course.
But you wouldn't begrudge us that.
I just wanted to say You were this close, man.
You were right there at the precipice.
You were next to us.
But you wouldn't jump.
So Do these accolades feel good? Yes, they do.
But it should be you right there with us On the front page.
- Behind me.
- Right behind gus.
Not because you're any less important.
But because you're a little bit taller.
And because maybe you're slightly less important.
You know what? The press can write whatever they want.
I'm over it.
Seriously, I don't want to be you, Not for one minute.
I don't want to throw out five crazy theories Just to get one right.
I am a police detective, And police detectives do not surmise That banks are knocked over By groups of angry cats with laser beams.
I never said they were angry.
They were simply following orders.
Regardless, at the end of the day, I do good police work, and people respect me for it.
- Name two.
- Name one.
If you'll excuse me, I have matters.
Matters? It means leave before I get rude.
- Oh! - Oh, come on, now.
I think we're past that.
Judges? - Concur.
Out.
- Bye, lassie.
- See you later, buddy.
Here.
Hey! Since when do you have a key? I don't.
Since when do you not lock your doors? I'm just looking for some sunscreen.
We're going out on the water, And I need a little protection from the sun And kim's smile.
Nothing less than spf 50.
Oh, your dad is one silver-tongued devil, shawn.
He most certainly is, kim.
I think we do have some sunscreen In the other room, dad.
I'll show you where.
- All right.
Ah.
Let me just say That I'm very happy to see that things Are going well with you anyour doctor lady friend.
She seems very nice.
Looks like you have a good thing going.
Good luck.
Well, thank you, son.
And truthfully, I do like her a lot.
But I'm not forgetting I'm a fisherman at heart, And there's still a lot of marlin out there.
And she could lead me right to them.
That's crafty.
See ya later, alligator.
alli--alligator?