Red Dwarf Episode Scripts

N/A - Parallel Universe

(POP MUSIC) # When I saw you for the first time # First time # My knees began to quiver # Quiver # And I got a funny feeling # Feeling # In my kidneys and my liver # Digestive system, baby # My hands they started shakin' # Shakin' # My heart began a-thumpin' # Boom, boom, boom! # My breakfast left my body # Huey, huey, huey # It all really tells me something # Girl, you make me tongue-tied # Tongue-tied # Tongue-tied # Whenever you are near me # Near me # Tied tongue # Tied tongue # Tied tongue # Tied tongue # Whenever you're in town # I saw you across the dance floor # Dancing # I thought of birds and bees # Reproductive system, baby # But when I tried to speak to you # Talk, talk # My tongue unravelled to my knees # Flippety-flippety-flop # I tried to say "I love you" # Love you # But it came out kind of wrong, girl # Wrong, girl # It sounded like, "Noo-noony-nee-noo" # Tongue-tied Na-ner-ner-ner-nee-nung, nirl # Because you make me tongue-tied # Tongue-tied # Tongue-tied # Whenever you are near me # Near me # Be-dobby-durgle, dobby-durgle # Tongue-tied, tongue-tied # Whenever you're around # Oh, I'm beggin' on my knees # Sweet, sweet darling, listen, please # Understand me when I say # Bedurble diggle doggle- dooby-doggle-durgle-day # I'm trying to say nungy-nangy # Nangy-nongy # Ningy-nongy # Why can't I tell you clearly? # Clearly # Be-dobby-durgle # Dobby-durgle # Durgle-dobby # Durgle-dobby # Whenever you're around # - This isn't the one.
- What isn't? I'm looking for this dream I had on the dream recorder.
It was sensational.
- What was it about? - Me, three girls and a tub of banana yoghurt! You cats have a strange attitude to women.
Say what, goalpost-head? It's all sex.
No sense of settling down, long-term relationships.
Hey, as soon as I find the right small group of girls, the seven or eight women who are right for me, my wandering days are over.
You see? Totally maladjusted.
That's rich from the man whose favourite book is "How To Pick Up Girls By Hypnosis".
There's nothing wrong with that.
It's a good book and it works.
Get outta town! That's how I met Lorraine.
You hypnotised her into a date? Yes.
I gave her the old "There's something in your eye" technique, fixed her with the Mesmer stare and bingo, she agreed to go on a date.
- What was wrong with her? - Nothing.
Come on.
She went out with you.
She was an attractive, bright young lady.
It MUST work, then.
- Of course, she had an artificial nose.
- What?! Oh, tastefully done.
Quality metal, no rivets.
- Come on, what happened? - Things were a bit stilted in the taxi.
My jokes about her nose hadn't gone down well.
They were quality gags, like, "Where are we going? Who nose?" No cheap shots.
Anyway, at the restaurant, she had an attack of nerves.
She went to the loo and climbed out the window.
- I wonder why.
- Not because she didn't like me.
She phoned and said she'd love another date, only she had to move to Pluto.
You're a sad weasel of a man, Rimmer.
No, I'm just uncomfortable with the opposite sex.
You see them as aliens to be conquered with trickery.
They're people.
You don't need books on hypnosis andwhat's the other one? "1001 Fabulous Chat-up Lines.
" Lister, those chat-up lines are guaranteed.
- There's no such thing.
- All right.
You be a woman, OK? On your own in a bar, short leather miniskirt, peephole bra OK.
Go on.
This is the most incredible chat-up line you've ever heard.
- Go on.
- OK Excuse me, would you like to join me for a cocktail? - No.
- You can't say no.
- You've got to say yes.
- Oh, right.
Go on.
- So, would you like a wormdo? - What's that, then? - What's what? - A wormdo.
- What about it? - Is this still the opening line? - You're not giving the right replies! - What's that? I say, "Would you like a cocktail?" You say "Yes".
I say, "Would you like a wormdo?" You say, "What's a wormdo?" I say - "It wriggles along like that.
" - You know it! You couldn't pull a rotten tooth from a dead horse's head with that.
- Eureka, I've done it, - Done what? The Earl of Sandwich invented sandwiches, Samuel Morse invented Morse Code, Plato invented the plate,,, and now I, Holly, have invented the Holly Hop Drive, - Ooh, I can't wait to see it (! ) - It's monumental, this, Epoch-making, It can transfer any object instantly to any other point in space, - What? We can go back to Earth? - In seconds, You mean we can go back to Earth right now? This instant? - Right on, - Rock and roll! - Is this it? - What do you think? It's just a box with "Stop" and "Start" on it! It's fairly straightforward, Ifyou want to start it, press "Start",,, You can work out the rest yourself, It's absolutely pathetic.
Right, Let's Holly Hop, Engage drive,,, Drive engaged, Initiating ignition sequence,,, - Ignition sequence initiated, - Get on with it.
It takes time, this, One error in any of my 13 billion calculations, we'll be blasted to smithereens, Here we go, then, Ten,,, Nine,,, Eight,,, - Six,,, Five,,, - You forgot seven.
Did I? I've always had a blind spot with sevens, We're going to die.
No problem, I'll start lower down, One,,, Blast off, We've done it, We're home, - It worked? - We're at Earth? You must be joking! Half a mo', - It's gone, - What has? The Earth, It's missing, It's not there, Wait a minute, I was looking out the wrong window, No, it HAS gone, The entire solar system is missing, - Well, what is actually out there? - Nothing, Just space, Holly, the thought occurs that we haven't actually reached Earth.
The further thought occurs that we haven't budged a smegging inch.
No, no, we have, It's just I don't know where we are, I've flamingoed up, - What? - It's like a cock-up, only much bigger, Wait, there is something, It's another ship, - Aliens! - (LISTER) Punch it up.
- It's an exact copy of Red Dwarf, - Eh? What's happened? Somehow - don 't ask me how - - we've entered the fifth dimension, - What's the fifth dimension? Didn't they reach Number Six with "I Want Your Love Thing"? You've got your basic dimensions - length, breadth, depth and time, The fifth dimension is co-existing realities, two bodies sharing the same space, unaware of each other, Sounds li ke my parents i n bed.
So, this is another Red Dwarf, with another Rimmer and Lister? - Will they be exactly the same? - No, there will be differences, - What do you mean? - In this universe, Hitler could've won the war, or even more incredible, perhaps Ringo was a really good drummer, Hang on, I'm linking up with their computer, - Hello, I'm Hilly, - Hello, I'm Holly, - Hello, Holly, - Hello, Hilly, This is a turn -up, You 'd better boogie on over and sort it out, Right on, sis, - See you, Hol, - See you, Hil, I'm in there, It's identical i n every detai I to our Red Dwarf! Very funny smell around here that I don't like one bit.
It smells like your moon boots.
I'm going to get rid of it.
That's mine.
This is mine So, where's the other Rimmer and Lister? So, you're not aliens.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- How do you do? - How do you do? - You must be Lister? - You are, too.
- You must be Rimmer.
So am I.
- Splendid.
- Deb.
- Dave.
- Arnold.
- Arlene.
Indeedy! So, your universe is exactly the same as ours Can I? Yeah.
Only everything'sopposite? I don't know if everything's opposite.
It seems like that.
You come from a female-orientated society? Well, it's not exactly female-orientated any more, not since the '60s, the "Equal Rights For Men" marches, when they burned their jockstraps.
Stop! Haven't you read "The Male Eunuch" by Jeremy Greer? So, your history is parallel to ours, as well? So, who was the first person on the moon? Nellie Armstrong.
NELLIE Armstrong? - Sowho wrote Hamlet? - Will Shakespeare.
- Ah, so he was a bloke.
- No, Wilma Shakespeare.
She wrote all the greats - "Rachel III", "The Taming Of The Shrimp" My God, what's this? - My Camera Monthly magazine.
- It's disgusting! It's full of semi-naked blokes draped over sports cars.
You're not one of those boring masculinists, are you? So, sexual attitudes are opposite, as well? What's that, my little cupcake? Your little what?! It just looks ridiculous! These models are hugely deformed.
It makes one feel quiteinadequate.
- Don't worry about that, my pretty.
- They can touch each other! Hey! I hate to break up the party, but isn't there somebody missing? - How do you mean? - Well, Lister, female opposite.
Rimmer, female opposite.
Where's mine? Oh.
Mooching around the cargo decks, I think.
Aow! all my life I've waited for this moment, and now it has arrived! Hey, if you hear me screaming, do NOT come to the rescue! Aow! # I'm gonna get you, little chickie # - I think he's in for a shock.
- Why? - His opposite isn't female.
- What is it? It's a dog.
Boy, oh, boy! Where'd they go? I get so dang panicky when they leave me on my own.
Damn these fleas! # I'm gonna get you, little chickie, # I'm gonna get you, little # I don't know what that is, but I'm sure he wants to eat me.
Well, trash my shorts, what a funny-looking dog! I'd better make myself look big! Put it there, Buddy God! What kind of toothpaste does he use? Rotting meat flavour? Come on, now.
I wanna be your buddy! Tell you what, I'm gonna smell your behind, then you can smell mine! - Now, is that a deal? - You wanna smell my WHAT?! Why, sure! Don't you wanna smell me? Man, I could smell you if you was on Mars! When did you last take a bath? - Don't say that word! - What? Bath? You said it again! Now, listen up.
If y'all gonna say that word, spell it.
When did you last take a B-A-T-H? What's that? Yo, Cat There you are.
- We're going to the disco.
- What? It'll take 17 hours to repair the Hop Drive, so I thought we'd have a fewbevvies.
Yeah! Come on! Aow! (DISCO MUSIC) They seem to be getting on.
- Yes.
- Oh, yes.
- Like a house on fire.
- You can say that again.
Mind you, we've got a good conversation going on here.
Oh, yes, yes.
I'm not normally good at talking to the opposite sex.
I'm not.
I run out of things to say.
Me, too.
So, you're a girl, then? - Yes.
- That's nice.
Hang on.
Haven't you got something in your eye? You're trying to hypnotise me! - Of course not.
- Stop staring, then.
OK! I read it that it's great for picking up totty.
Well, I'd hardly describe myself as "totty".
Oh, yes! Totty, tottytotty.
You've had too much to drink.
I get like this.
Come on.
You're interested.
- I'm not.
- Why are you giving me the signs? - What signs? - Wearing such tight trousers? - They're not tight.
- You're begging for it.
I'm not "totty" and I'm not begging for anything.
Give us a snog, I won't try to take off your underpants.
I'm sorry, I'm just not that kind ofboy.
Frigid! You're disgusting! You're only after one thing! Why? How many have you got? You're a great conversationalist.
- But I ain't said nothin' yet - That's what I like best.
- I'm going to the bar? - I'll have a grenade.
- A grenade? - Yeah.
I wanna play fetch.
Listie! How are you, my old mate.
Please, God, come and join us! I won't be long.
If you want to keep your beer cool, stick it between his legs.
What was all that about? - That's the most awful woman I ever met.
- She's you.
She's absolutely repugnant.
She treats me like some sort of discardable sex object.
- She's the female equivalent of you.
- Nonsense.
She's maladjusted.
Trust me to get El Weirdo, while you get the one with the juicy jugs.
See! She thinks of men the exact same way you think of women.
She accused me of wiggling my bottom in a provocative way.
I was just walking! I can't help being sexy.
- What's the other one like? - Totally gross.
She's unbelievable.
She tried to impress me by drinking six pints of lager, then belching "Yankee Doodle Dandy".
That's your party piece, isn't it? Yeah, but when I do it, it's stylish.
(BELCHES) Class.
- Do you think you'll, er? - What? Get outta town! She's a good laugh, but all she does is get blitzed and eat vindaloos.
Call me crazy, but I just don't find that attractive.
- How's it going? - Put it this way, there'll be two pairs of shoes under the bed tonight.
Wallop! He doesn't look too interested to me.
He looks more, erpetrified.
He doesn't want me to think he's the ship's bike, but I'm getting the signs.
He crossed his legs and made sure I saw that he was wearing sock suspenders.
- Rimmer, he's not interested.
- Wait till I give him the wormdo line.
Hey, do you want to dance? I tell you, when I hit the dance floor, I am one mean turkey! Do you dance? Do I dance? Does Carmen Miranda wear fruit? Alrighty! You lead on, boy.
Hold this, Fido.
You call that dancing? No way, José! This is dancing! (HOWLS) Well, whaddya say, huh? - Oh, eh.
Another dead heat.
- That's eight on the run.
- I want to speak to Holly.
- Sure.
Holly, how long before the Hop Drive's fixed? We're busy fixing it right now, aren't we, Hilly? Yes, Holly, That's exactly what we're doing, - What's that mark on your face? - What face? - The lipstick mark.
- That's a computer rash, Holly, just get me out of here.
What's the matter? Aren't you having a good time? A good time?! Lister (CLEARS THROAT) I'm going to bed now, on my own, alone.
If she comes back, say I've got a headache.
- Where's she gone? - To get some sexy videos.
She thinks seeing two men together might turn me on.
- Where are you sleeping? - I'm not telling you.
- Are you a man or a munchkin? - # I'm off to see the wizard # You ready, then? OK, after three Three! Ha! Beat you! Oh, did I get drunk or did I get drunk? Oh, no.
Oh, did I get drunk or did I get drunk? Hi.
- Hi.
- Listen.
Did we? I can't remember.
I remember betting you I could climb the disco wall using only me lips And then Oh, God, I juggled the goldfish, didn't I? Blindfold.
Then Oh, eh.
We did, didn't we? You pieces of filth.
How could you commit an act of carnal knowledge? .
on my bunk, on my sheets, using my springs? How could you contemplate making love to yourself? Well, why break a habit of a lifetime? Leave it out! I was out of me skull.
What's that supposed to mean? I wouldn't have slept with you if I'd known what I was doing.
- Thanks! - I hope you get pregnant.
No offence, but you're not exactly difficult to pull.
Talk about a pushover! That's rich coming from Miss Yo-Yo Knickers.
I hope you get pregnant, you cheap little tart! - You what? - How can he get pregnant? Unless they used precautions, he could be up the spout.
- But it's women who get pregnant! - Since when? Since always! Me mother was a woman! Oh, Listie! Oh, dear! Oh, dear! Oh, dear! Oh, dear! If I'm understanding correctly, it appears that in their universe, it's men who give birth to babies.
As we are in their universe, you could well possibly be up the duff, laddie! - This is a wind-up.
- Don't get upset in your condition! It's impossible! I haven't got the the equipment, have I? You're in our universe.
Our physical law applies.
Holly, tell me this isn't true.
- I'm afraid it is,,,Mum, - How could you do this to me? - Do what? - Fertilise me.
Take advantage of me, knowing that I didn't have precautions.
I assumed you'd taken care of that.
It's the man's responsibility.
It's the man who gets pregnant, who suffers the agony of childbirth.
Agony? This gets better and better! - What can I do? I'm sorry, OK? - Sorry? That's it? Sorry? Wham, bam, thank you, mister? Well, there's no point arguing, If it's happened, it's happened, We'd better get back, I've fixed the Hop Drive, We can't! She could be the father of my child! - If we don 't go now, we're stuck, - Listen Just because it's possible for you to get pregnant, it doesn't necessarily mean that you are.
You might get lucky.
But then again, you might not.
We'll find out when we get back, won't we? Engaging Holly Hop,,, Holly Hop engaged, Four,,, Three,,, One,,, Blast off, I don't know why I'm doing this.
It's just not possible! Why not? Male baboons have given birth.
They were doing that as far back as the 20th century.
Caesarean, naturally.
The skutters can handle it.
Skutters?! I wouldn't let them open a can of beans.
You're thinking too negative! Think of all the glorious, beautiful, wondrous things about having children! - Like? - When they leave home.
- What colour should it turn? - Blue for not pregnantwhich it will.
- And red for pregnant? - Yeah.
Come on, you reds! - What colour is it now? - Still white.
Oi, Remember when we broke the light barrier and saw echoes from the future? - Yeah.
- Your future self had twin boys, Right.
I said, "How could you get two babies on board?" And you said, "It'll be a lot of fun finding out.
" - How right you were, Listie! - Twins? No way! Oh, yes! Big, strapping boys they were, as well.
Huge heads.
- It's changing colour! - What colour? - It's changing! - What colour? - Yes, it's changing.
- Blue for not pregnant, right? - Yes! - Oh, excellent news, Listie! - Oh, thank God! - I'm going to be an uncle.
# It's cold outside # There's no kind of atmosphere # I'm all alone, more or less # Let me fly far away from here # Fun, fun, fun # In the sun, sun, sun # I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose # Drinking fresh mango juice # Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes # Fun, fun, fun # In the sun, sun, sun # Fun, fun, fun # In the sun, sun, sun #