Return of the Mac (2017) s01e01 Episode Script

Coming up on Celebri Circus 3, Rachel Ray and her motorcycle jump of death plus Alison Janney and Joey McIntyre take on the trapeze from hell! Pick up, Alex.
Pick up.
Pick up! And we're back from commercial in one! McIntyre, you're up in three.
Yeah, thanks.
Dude, Joe, you're never going to believe it.
Jerry Springer's out there about to ride an elephant.
You're supposed to be my manager! Where have you been? I've been calling you all day.
Buddy, I've been slammed.
Don't buddy me.
What am I doing here? Trapeze act, I don't know.
I mean on this silly show, Celebri Circus.
We don't say no to primetime, Joe.
Fifteen million people will be watching this.
I'm an actor, a good one.
No let me stop you right there.
You are a great actor.
Well they won't find that out by watching me catch Alison Janney by the ankles.
Stamos, do you mind? We're trying to have a serious conversation.
You are so hard on Stamos.
I'm putting my foot down.
No more reality, no more hosting gigs, I want serious work.
Like the detective novels I optioned.
Yeah, I agree with you 100%.
That's why I'm gonna make the calls.
I'm gonna make it happen, trust me.
And now, with the death defying motorcycle jump, Rachel Ray! All right, everyone stay calm.
It looks like Rachel's gonna be okay! I'm gonna go make those calls.
Yeah, why don't you.
Mm-hmm.
I'm Joey McIntyre, you know, the little guy from New Kids on the Block.
- Since then, I've had my ups.
- - And I've had my downs.
But I know I can make it with the love of my family, - hard work, and maybe better management.
- No! No cookies before dinner! - Alex.
- Buddy! You excited for the big meeting today? Yes, I'm pumped! I've been prepping all week.
This detective series is perfect for HBO.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Slow your roll, Joe.
I didn't say it was with HBO.
I said it's like HBO.
- It's the Comfy Channel.
- The Comfy Channel? I never even heard of that before! It's because it just launched bro! It's a brand new network.
They want to be the HBO for women.
I said no cookies before dinner! Okay, whatever, the Comfy Channel.
I just want to get back to work.
Yeah, Joe, can I ask you something? What's the rush right now? Alex, I've been working since I was a kid.
It's who I am.
And you know how I get when I'm not working.
Plus, I'm doing school pickups since the last tour.
Barrett even got me a job jar which is great because there's always something to do.
Dude, Barrett is right there, isn't she? You're so screwed.
- Is that Alex? - What up, B! - Don't say hi.
- Joe, put Barrett on.
Uh, just text me the address, - I'll see you at four.
- You can't be anywhere at four.
You have to take Reece to karate.
Oh, that's today? This is why I'll never get married.
- You can't take him? - Sure! We can let the kids drive themselves to the dentist.
Oh the dentist! I can drive.
Or we can hitch hike.
If only we had a system to track all this stuff.
Oh look! A calendar! Yeah.
Okay, can't they just brush extra hard today? I really got to make this meeting.
And they have teeth, which I'd like them to keep.
Dude, just bring the Reece man along.
It's not that big of a deal.
You're sure? He's kind of a handful.
Yeah, it's a women's network, bro.
Chicks love kids.
Watch the vase.
Watch the vase! Watch the vase.
Watch the vase.
Oh! Reece man! Uncle Alex! Wait a Really? Come on, Joey he loves it.
Look at him.
You know what? Do you have any do you have any crayons? I got nothing, man.
You know what, this is fine.
Thank you.
Joey McIntyre.
Hi, I'm Sam's assistant, Soozie.
That's one S to O's and a Z-I-E.
- Hey.
- Hi! All right, Reece.
Listen, we're gonna color, okay? And be nice to the nice man, okay? All right, I'll see you in five minutes.
Thank you.
Good.
You're not gonna leave him here, are you? Oh he's fine, he loves to color.
Oh! If you hadn't guessed it, I'm a Joey girl.
Ah.
I know I'm not supposed to wear buttons to work but today was a special occasion! So I said to heck with it! I make 'em myself.
- Do you want one? - Oh, no I'm good.
I saw you in Rochester in '94 and I swear you looked right at me at the end of "Please Don't Go Girl".
It's like you were reaching directly into my chest cavity and squeezing my heart until I couldn't breathe.
Do you remember that? - Maybe.
- Really? He squeezes a lot of chest cavities.
Soozie! Time to go in! It's fine.
I mean mediocre is fine if that's what you're It's regular water.
No I know it's regular water.
It's fine.
Joey Mac! Paige Quan, VP of Development.
We are so pumped to have you here at Comfy's.
Jan Candor, president of Comfy! - Hi.
- Welcome Joseph! - Right.
- Mm! Oh, so sweet.
Glad.
Thank you.
- Joseph.
- I'm Alex, his manager I have been tasked with transforming Comfy into the vanguard women's channel.
And you're part of my vision.
Simply put, we love Joey - McIntyre.
- McIntyre.
What Sam is trying to say is that we want to be in the Joey Mac business.
Awesome! Well, I'm excited to toss some ideas around.
The way you tossed Alison Janney around in that circus show.
Ah, yeah.
- So good! - Too soon.
It was truly, truly, inspiring.
You saw that, huh? What I saw was an undiscovered gold mine.
We were all just blown away by your on screen presence.
So I had the idea Based on my original idea.
Which is mostly my idea.
It was mine, and then - I started with it.
- I did it and they ran! Was incepted here.
I had research pull some old VHS tapes of that time you filled in for Carson Daly on TRL.
- You remember that? - Uh How could we forget? Vaguely, yeah.
We shared those clips with the New York office.
New York City.
New York City.
And we all agreed that you are exactly what we need for this network.
Joe, the 80's are huge with our demo.
That and weight gain.
We got some groundbreaking events coming down the pipeline.
Our first event is a movie of the week about Corey Haim starring Corey Feldman.
We're calling it, "A Corey Story".
That rhymes, shows that rhyme always work.
Why are you whispering? Debbie Gibson will be hosting a wine tasting show.
Which is interesting because she doesn't drink.
That is her journey.
And now, we want you.
- For what exactly? - What? For your very own hour long show.
Awesome! Yes.
As you know, I own the rights to the Jeff Fisher crime novels.
Yeah, he does.
He owns all the rights, that guy.
You did tell them that, right? I just did! Jeff Richman? What is that? Anyway, I think it might be a perfect fit for Comfy because the novels are set in the 80's, so.
Can't wait to explore that.
But put a pin in it 'cause we've got something even better! Better.
We want to go to bed with you.
- Hello.
- Uh Excuse me? Thought this was a G-rated network.
We want our viewers to curl up and get cozy and comfy with you on your own late night talk show.
Done, sign him up! A late night a late night talk show? Uh, so Not scripted? That's I don't well Oh God no.
Well there could be skits and bits that would be scripted.
Um, skits and bits.
Unscripted skits and bits.
Yeah, skits and bits, bits and skits.
And we could even probably do a hybrid of the two.
Yeah, he loves that word.
Thank you very much for having me.
I really appreciate it.
You know, tell you what.
Why don't Joe and I discuss and we'll get back to you.
- Great idea.
- Yeah.
- Circle back! - Circle back.
- Circle back.
- Circle back! Yes, let's circle back.
Thank you! Yeah.
This was great, thank you.
That went great.
Go Sam! Circle back, I'll circle back.
Come on, don't be like that, Joe! This show could work.
We said no more hosting gigs! Yeah, it's not hosting, it's late night! There's a big difference.
They are ga-ga over you, Joe! They're gonna throw stupid money in our direction! It's not about the money, it's about the work.
Okay, well then think about the work.
Joe, Joe, Joe, come on, think about it, will you? It's the best of both worlds! You get out of the house, and you still get to see your kids everyday! You really think they'd let me do my own skits and bits? You see how long she hugged you for? They love you, dude.
They bought a first class ticket aboard the Joey Mac fun train.
Chugga-chugga-choo-choo, baby! Where's this thing stopping? Everybody's hearts if you want it to! You could probably write the whole thing if you want.
Written by Joey Mac, created by Joey Mac and his best buddy Alex.
Everything you want is gonna happen.
You're creating it now? I'm here with you.
Joe, with the amount of money they're gonna throw you, I can build that gazebo I always wanted.
And you know how bad I wanted that gazebo! Look me in the eyes.
Have I ever steered you wrong? Don't answer that right now.
That's a rhetorical question.
Was he okay? Yeah actually he was pretty quiet.
Thank you so much.
Come on Reecy.
Oh my God Reece.
What are you doing? Oh, jeez.
Reece come on! Oh so embarrassing, Donnie.
Well what kind of an idiot gives a sharpie to a little kid? No, no, not that.
A talk show! I want to be an actor, not interview actors.
Who are you talking to? Joey, he got offered his own talk show.
Well I think there's a seat available on The View.
Well Joe, if you ask me.
I say do it.
I mean what do you got to lose? If it sucks, nobody's ever gonna see it anyway.
Who the hell has ever heard of the Comfy Channel? I love the Comfy Channel.
And you know our motto, Joe.
Don't be a slob.
Be a slob, take the job.
You never know, it could lead to bigger and better things anyway.
Maybe you're right.
I know I'm right.
Look at Talk Soup, Joe.
I mean those guys were talk show hosts, went on to become big actors, huge stars, household names.
Both of them, Greg Kinnear, and what's his name? Who knows.
That's actually a very good point.
It is a good point! God, this filter is awesome! Look, I got to go, Joe.
All right? Just trust me, take the job.
I think Whoopi would love him.
I don't know, they're both moody.
Alex.
Tell 'em I'm in.
Yeah, set the meeting.
Oh! You both need to brush your teeth before the doctor sees you.
Why, isn't that the dentist's job? Oh it's like cleaning the house before the cleaning lady comes.
It's just what you do.
Barrett! Hey oh my God! Mwah, mwah.
That purse makes me want to die! How is Joe? He's really good, very busy.
- Yeah.
- Hi Oliver! I see you still have the head gear.
Yeah, just two more years right? It's actually four.
Quinn, this dress! Oh I know, right? It's a Monatague Clement.
But you probably saw it on Blake Lively, 'cause she wore it bestest.
Of course.
So your ears must be falling off 'cause I was just working with Ann Hathaway who adores you by the way.
Oh, she's so sweet.
Is she? But we were just talking about how much we miss you! And you have to come back to work for me.
Wow! I mean, say anything, I'll do it.
Quinn, I loved working with you.
And I've been thinking about going back into styling.
But I really need you please! I'm up to my implants in celebrities to dress.
Really, honestly, what can I do? Well, I'd have to talk to Joe.
And I really want to.
Maybe I can make it work? That's a yes, did you hear it?! You did, didn't you? Your ears are fine, just your teeth are so messed up.
But you know what? Tomorrow, six A.
M.
Don't be late or I'll fire you, and then I'll rehire you.
Okay.
Bring me a latte, but no milk in it.
- Smooch smooch! - Yes! Come on.
Okay, bye.
Let's go get some pizza! You can't eat it.
But you can watch Mommy smell it.
Hurray! Babe, got some news! - What's all this? - It's so random.
I ran into Quinn today and she asked me to start styling with her again.
Uh I thought we were gonna wait till Until the kids got a little bit older.
I know! But I couldn't pass this up! I didn't know how much I missed it.
Hmm.
Well, I guess it's time to look for a nanny.
But we decided one of us would always stay home with the kids.
Yeah, that's what we said.
Um I should've talked to you before I said yes but it happened so fast.
I I just couldn't say no! Eh, technically you could've said no but you didn't, and that's great.
I got to start calling designers! Thank God you're not working right now.
Yeah, not working.
I'm sorry.
How was the meeting at the Cozy Channel? Comfy.
Uh, it was uh, it was fine.
Great hun.
And don't forget, Reece, karate, Thursday.
Right here.
Gonna put it right on my forehead so I won't forget, okay? Please don't pass on this.
Dude it's your own show.
I can't believe you're gonna turn this down.
I've been thinking about it, Barrett's had my back for ten years.
It's her turn.
So you want me to tell 'em? No, I should do it myself.
We'll be in and out quick.
Is it your birthday? Uh, I'm really sorry about this, really.
And uh, we will be paying for all the confetti, so.
I know it gets pricy, but we got it.
Joe's got it.
But we got it.
Well, we're obviously disappointed that you're passing up on what could be a huge opportunity for you.
But we totally get it, family comes first.
Guess I'll need your buttons back.
We just want you to be happy, right, Sam? Yep.
Happy.
And if you wake up tomorrow, realizing that you've made a huge mistake, our doors are always open.
Unless those doors are just slammed shut in our face.
Well that's it, good luck in whatever you attempt to achieve.
Once again, I'm very sorry and thank you for the opportunity.
Yeah, and for the button.
It does not go unnoticed.
Shut it! Leave it open.
So I'm gonna tell you what I like and you write it down.
Okay? Got you.
Ew, j'adore, this.
Burn this, I never want to see it again.
And then send this and this to Olivia.
So is Joe pissed that I hijacked you? No, he's been really supportive about me going back to work.
Oh that's good.
He must really love doing daddy daycare.
'Cause I heard he passed on that show - for the Comfy Channel.
- What? Oh the Comfy Channel, it's like HBO but without the dragons, more bushes and more crying.
They don't wax there.
And I don't wax either, I'm not a peasant, I laser.
So don't get me wrong but.
I know about the Comfy Channel.
What do you mean he passed on a show? Oh I heard from my yoga-lates instructor who is such a slut, she heard it from another client who like has really big mouth.
Did he did he not tell you? Oh my God.
I was going on and on about how happy I was he was gonna help out with the kids.
Well, that means he did it for you.
That's so romantic! Right? Oh my God, look at this.
I would kill a baby for this.
I would puke on myself, shower, then puke again.
Just look how cute this is! Look at it move! Will you send this to Emma? - Roberts? - No, the other one.
- Watson.
- No, this one.
- Got you.
- Yeah.
Don't write that down though, 'cause you never know.
You know what? No, I hate it.
Don't! Don't.
Just hear me out, Joe! Look, I know you said no hosting.
But I got something that you're really gonna love.
It's called Little Brother.
Why? 'Cause it's a show about all little people living in a tiny house.
America loves dwarves, Joe.
What does America love more than dwarves? Those dwarves living in tiny houses.
- Boom! - What? Tiny houses are very big right now.
Alex, I want to star in my own drama.
Oh you, you want a drama? Well I got one for you, Joe.
It's about two waterpark security guards who fight over the affection of a sexy, young blonde.
January Jones? Whoa, way too big.
I'm thinking Tara Ried on this one.
Oh! Hello? Joe? Joey McIntyre! What the heck are you doing here? Um I can't believe this! I've been a huge fan for so long! I had your doll, the pillows, the sheets.
- I slept with you every night! - Oh.
That sounded creepy, but No, that's pretty awesome.
I'm a pretty big fan of yours too.
What are you doing? Um, oh I actually just got offered to be a host of this late night talk show.
Oh my God, you'd be perfect for that! - Right? - Yeah! 'Cause I kind of you know, I mean I'm good at all that stuff like talking to people.
Yeah.
And interviewing Hey, hey! Well I'd watch it every night.
- Really? - Oh yeah.
Hey do you want to go get some coffee or something? Uh You know what? Oh! Okay.
Well, this is my son, Reece.
Hello, nice to meet you.
Aren't you cute! Do you have a mom? - Yeah.
- You do.
All right.
Well it was nice to meet you! Let me know if you need a first guest.
Ah yeah! I will call you.
Honey! You got a second? - Hey.
- Hey! Oh, oh! Oh, hun! You have to do the show! How do you know about that? - Quinn told me! - Oh, okay.
Well I thought I was gonna have to turn on the old McIntyre charm to get you on board.
I know we said no nannies.
But this is too important to pass up! Thank you.
Your own detective series! Yeah.
Um, now I see the confusion.
It's not a detective series.
It's Well they offered me my own late night talk show.
A talk show? Yeah, a talk show.
What? Nothing, I just thought you were gonna wait for the right project.
Well maybe this is it.
Really, Joe, a talk show? Yeah, yes! Yep! What about being a serious actor? You don't think I can do this.
Oh I know you can do it.
But why would you want to? Well January Jones thinks it's a great idea! January Jones? This was Alex's idea! No.
- You should've fired him a long time ago! - You know I can't fire Alex.
He's been with me forever! I've noticed, he's in every one of our wedding pictures! Oh now you're exaggerating.
Look at how beautiful you looked on that day.
Unbelievable.
All right, look.
This is me, okay? And this could lead to bigger things.
But it's not going to if I don't give it a shot.
All right, hun.
Okay? Yeah.
Thank you.
And by the way, they don't offer late night talk shows to just anybody in this town, okay? But they did, to you know who.
Hey, delivery to Joey McIntyre from the Comfy Channel.
Thank you.
Look at that! Welcome aboard, Joey Lawrence! Joey Lawrence, what the fuck.