Return of the Mac (2017) s01e07 Episode Script

1 No we don't agree! I quit.
You're fired.
You don't mean that.
I know you, and you don't mean that.
[sobbing.]
He's not coming.
Unbelievable! The very first Joey-Clutch.
Kind of big, isn't it? This is not a competition, Barrett.
I think we can both be in the fashion industry.
I'm a jerk off? You're a jerk.
I'm just trying to get home with my applique, and I'm a jerk off? Oh no, he's on Celebrity Tantrum.
[coming from phone.]
- Joey: He can't even hit! - Get out of here! [gasps.]
What the f! Joseph, welcome to your intervention.
I am not coming back.
All right buddy, have a good practice.
Why the long face? I don't really wanna play soccer anymore.
What? You love soccer.
All the coach does is yell.
I wanna quit.
Griff, just because you get a tough coach, doesn't mean you can quit.
And more importantly, you gotta be there for your friends.
Uncle Alex is your friend, and you're not there for him.
Well.
That's different, okay.
Alex is part of my team and Like a soccer team.
Just get out there.
I wanna do what you do, dad.
Well you're a great singer.
And if you keep practicing, you're gonna be amazing.
Not singing.
I wanna sit on the couch all day and do arts and crafts.
That's not arts and crafts.
I'm I'm launching a purse line from that couch.
And you get to eat cold hot dogs right out of the package.
Mom would never let me do that.
Look Dad's not working right now because I don't like the way I'm being treated at the Comfy Channel, so I'm taking a stand.
I don't like getting yelled at, so I'm gonna take a stand and quit soccer.
That's not what I mean.
Okay, it is what I mean, but listen okay If you play soccer, I'll give you a cold hot dog.
Yes! Just don't tell mom.
Geeze Louise.
Hey.
McIntyre.
Practice started five minutes ago and not when ever you god damn well feel like it.
Listen David, I know you're a big time Hollywood agent Yeah, and I rep people a lot bigger than you are.
Well, you're probably use to yelling at your assistants, but maybe you can take it down a couple notches with the kids.
They're getting a little upset.
Oh, so you think I should take it down a notch or two.
It's actually a pretty good idea.
So instead of doing soccer drills, what if we just gave them soft little bunnies to pet and lollipops for doing such a great job of losing! Because that's all they're gonna be is a bunch of losers, McIntyre! Is that what you want? Do you even have a kid here? No, man.
I do this for the love of the game.
Is that allowed? Use your face! Block that! Idiots.
- I'll be up in the stands.
- Yeah, okay.
Why don't you just go back up in the stands where you belong with the other parents.
Leave the coaching to the real experts here.
[clears throat.]
Man, I hope I didn't strain my yelling voice.
What are you looking at? All right, laps.
You, lap.
You, lap.
[energetic music.]
I'm Joey McIntyre, you know, the little guy from New Kids on the Block.
Since then, I've had my ups.
And I've had my downs.
But I know I can make it with the love of my family, hard work, and maybe better management.
Honey, we're out of hot dogs.
Gilles, what are you doing here? Without a shirt.
Oh, hey honey.
Joe.
I never knew your wife was so good - with her hands.
- [groans.]
Right.
Gilles asked me and Quinn asked me to dress him for the promo tour for his new film.
Ooh.
Film huh? When Quentin calls Tarantino? Really? Joe read for him once.
Nah, well, they put me on tape.
So, what's new in Joe's world.
Uhm Taking some time off, and uh, getting back into my maxi clutch line, but Barrett told me what they did to your talk show.
Very cruel, this business.
Hmm.
It's just like the grape.
Some years it's so sweet and bountiful.
Other years, it just withers on the vine.
Actually, my show is not 100% withered.
Really? I thought you were done with Comfy.
Well, you know, they gotta make some changes, but uh, I haven't totally ruled out going back.
In my country, when the man stays home and the wife works [whispers.]
It's not good.
Okay.
All right, let's take these new pants for a spin, huh.
[gasps.]
[chuckling.]
Oh, just the right grab and flexibility where it counts.
I'm talking about the crotch.
I hope so.
- [exclamations.]
- [giggling.]
[knocking.]
Fresh and bake! [from outside.]
Joey: Alex, are you in there? - Joe? - Yeah.
Uh, yeah.
Just one second, man.
[upbeat music.]
Come in.
[laughing.]
Dr.
Dre, you are the funniest dude I've ever talked to.
Yeah No, you're the man.
You're the man! I gotta go, Joey McIntyre just walked in.
Peace! That wasn't Dr.
Dre.
- Yeah it was.
- Alex, I know you're the one who's been washing my car every night.
What? That is crazy, Joe.
Why would I I have not been washing your car.
[trash can rattles.]
Look.
I want to apologize for the way I treated you.
You're more than a manager, you're a friend, and in your own way, you've always been there for me, so I'm sorry.
Thank you.
I agree with all that.
But I also wanna apologize for suggesting that you be a talk show host.
[laughing.]
What was I thinking? Joey McIntyre, talk show host? You're an actor, and a damn good one! Thank you.
But I'm going back to the show.
Which is why I think you should go back to the talk show.
- Are you really going back? - I'm going back.
My kid thinks I'm doing arts and crafts on the couch.
And that's not good.
[exclaims.]
Does that mean that you need me to Yes, that means that at this point, I can't do it without you.
[exclamations.]
Thank you so much.
It has been a rough couple of weeks with a capital R.
I haven't eaten, I haven't slept.
Every now and then I get this weird like twitch on the side of my head where I just like Do that.
Welcome back, buddy.
- Welcome back.
- [joyous laughter.]
[singing.]
Yeah, yeah Joe and Alex in the house I'm gonna be the best damn manager you ever had.
Yeah.
You can start by putting some pants on.
Don't tell me how to live my life, Joe.
[quirky club music.]
Poppin' bottles tonight.
[awkward giggle.]
- Hey, Soozie.
- Joe! I thought I'd never see you again.
I mean, I see you all the time in my dreams.
Don't worry, they're rated G.
It's mostly just you and me, working my loom.
What? I see your Joey doll's got a new friend.
It's not me! If that's what you were thinking.
I mean [scoffs.]
It could be anybody really.
- Wow.
- Whoever it is, it looks like she's having a good time.
Oh, she is! She doesn't really get to get out much.
She has a very strict mother who doesn't let her watch TV or talk to boys.
Oh.
It looks like you've made a mess.
God, I'm so embarrased.
- Oh, that's okay.
- I'm so sorry.
On behalf of management, please accept this free dessert.
Oh.
That's my favorite.
I know.
[giggles.]
So this is totally normal, but, Joe we have a meeting.
Joseph, we are so glad you've come back to your senses and returned to the warm heaving bosom of the Comfy embrace.
We're just happy you're back where you belong.
Well, I'm not back yet.
There's gotta be some changes made.
[pounding.]
My client has some demands! Okay.
And if they're not met, we're walking right out that door.
Capiche? Easy Jerry McGuire.
He's right though.
If this is gonna move forward, we're gonna do it my way.
Joe, we want to do whatever it takes to make this work.
And I want to do anything to make this work.
Anytime, anywhere.
You just say when, I'm ready.
- Okay.
- And I mean it.
Give it to me straight, Jospeh.
The way that my ex-husband did before he came out.
I want Chris Kirkpatrick back as my musical director.
- Done.
- Fatone too.
He's a great side kick.
No argument here.
Everybody loves Fatone.
And I want my skits and bits like you promised.
Well now you're just talking crazy.
How about skits or bits? [pens rattling loudly.]
Skits and bits! Or no deal.
Sit down.
Sorry.
[Sam clears throat.]
All right, you drive a hard bargain, Joseph, but we accept.
And we bring it back to late night.
Wonderful! Except the show stays in daytime.
Then no deal.
Joe, we would love to be able to give you everything you want, but after you quit on us, we moved an informercial into the late night spot and it is killing.
It's for the Zippity-Do It Yourself zipper installer.
[laughing.]
It puts zippers on literally everything.
Everything.
Okay, uh I need a moment to confer with my client.
Joe.
PS That zipper thing sucks.
I have it.
Peas and carrots.
Peas and carrots.
Peas and carrots.
What are you doing? It's a negotiation tactic.
They think we're talking about something serious right now, it's just gibberish, they don't know.
Now you say, rhubarb, rhubarb.
And I'll be like, yeah.
All right, we have discussed it.
Joe.
If I have creative control, I guess we can keep it at daytime.
You got a deal.
- [happy exclamations.]
- [satisfied groaning.]
Okay.
Okay.
[gasps.]
Where do we start? Well, if we're gonna make a dent with this show, we need to focus on booking some big celebrity names.
Mmm.
I couldn't agree more.
Who do you got for me? Oh, well, no.
That's not our department, no.
You can just call some of your famous friends.
Hmm? I don't have famous friends.
Agh! You'll think of someone.
It is soccer! You can't use your hands, morons! All right, if I stroke out, you're all just gonna be doing laps.
Hey David.
Oh great, this guy's back.
What the hell do you want, McIntyre? Just kick it.
- How's the coaching going? - [whistle blows.]
Can't feel the left side of my face.
So I would say, not well.
Yeah, kids these days.
They don't listen, huh? What would you know about it? You're never out here coaching, McIntyre.
Ah, you know I'd like to but as you may have heard, I'm starting a brand new talk show on the Comfy Channel.
[snickers.]
I've never heard of it, and the answer's "no".
Can you at least let me finish the question? - [whistle blows.]
- Jonah! Why don't I finish it for you? [mocking voice.]
Oh Mr.
Bigtime Hollywood agent, may I please have one of your A-list celebrities to help me with my lame-ass tv show.
Signed, everybody in Hollywood.
Well, the answer's still "no".
Okay, okay, I get it, I get it.
People are probably asking you for favors all the time because you're a big-time Hollywood power player.
Well that's true.
Now you got my attention.
I need a big name for the premiere.
I mean I wanna make a splash for the first show and with all your amazing clients, I thought you could maybe make a call.
So you get a huge star.
What's in it for me? [singing.]
Happy birthday to Sophia Sexier.
Happy birthday to you Bigger.
Ooh! That's eleven takes, I think we got it, right? I guess that one'll have to do.
So we got a deal.
You're gonna find me an amazing guest for the first show? 100% guaranteed in stone.
Amazing, amazing.
Thank you so much and I hope your - wife loves it.
- My wife? No, it's my cleaning lady's birthday.
She's a huge Backstreet Boys fan.
[laughing.]
So funny.
What's going on here? Joseph, join us.
We are celebrating.
Celebrating that you finally found a shirt? Wait till you taste the one in Argentina.
- Argentina? - Mm hmm.
Gilles asked me and Quinn to go on location with him.
In Argentina? But I haven't said yes yet.
Ah, you will.
No woman can resist me.
Oh, I'm pretty sure this woman can.
I will not take no for an answer.
She's the only one I trust handling my pants.
He means fitting his pants.
Gilles, I am flattered but three weeks is a long time to be away from the kids.
Thanks.
Oh, and you too, Joe.
Gee, thanks.
Don't worry, Gilles always gets his way.
And congratulation, Joe.
Barrett tells me that you're no longer a house husband.
Ah, yup, back to work.
Actually just secured my first big guest for the premiere.
Oh, who is it? So big I probably shouldn't even tell you.
Oh well, cheers my friend.
This is great news.
Thank you.
What?! Come on, put your backs into it.
How do you expect to learn how to play soccer if you don't even know how to pack a truck? Oh [bleep.]
, all right hey, go find your parents, okie-doke.
Hey, what's going on - You bailed on me, what happened? - I can't talk about it.
We had a deal.
I sang the song.
Look, there are people in this town even more powerful than me.
You're not allowed to just do anything you want to do.
You're not allowed! - It's just one guest.
- [sighs.]
Do yourself a favor, newbie.
If you don't know how to play the game, then step away from the table.
[engine starts.]
You're not wired, are you? [tires screech.]
- [cellphone rings.]
- Don't even, don't even think about it.
- We have four seconds, Donnie! Please! - It's Joe! Hey, welcome back to the Jenny MacCarthy Show.
I'm Jenny McCarthy Wahlburg in studio with me is Donnie Wahlburg.
- Hi.
- My co-host.
We're talking to women who name their vaginas really cute names.
What's your cute vagina name, Cindy? - Joe? - Joe is not cute.
This guy promised me an amazing first guest, Donnie.
Then he bails on me.
Okay, slow down, buddy.
Buddy! Now that's a cute one.
Someone told him that he couldn't do it.
That it wasn't allowed.
Well daytime TV can be rough.
I just want that one great guest to kick off the whole show.
And I would be happy to be that guest, Joe, but I'm tied up with Blue Bloods.
Blue Bloods? Gross.
How about I ask Jenny? No, no, no, no don't ask Jenny.
N-n-n-no.
Will you be a guest on Joey's talk show? [hysterical laughing.]
Is she laughing? She's not laughing at you.
Yes I am.
Look, I have a friend in daytime, a real powerhouse.
Powerhouse, love that! Strong vagina name.
Now, they can be a little intimidating but don't worry.
I'll put in a good word for you, okay? What do you mean by "intimidating"? [crows cawing.]
[door creaks.]
Hello?! Oh hey, Aisha I [crows cawing.]
He's all right.
Have a seat, Joe.
[water dripping.]
You should try the Gouda.
We have a guy, flies it in fresh every morning from the Netherlands.
Wow.
Uh I'll pass, but Aisha, thank you so much for meeting with me, and Donnie might've told you I'm starting my own daytime talkshow, so Hmm.
I am aware.
Well, I had an amazing guest for my first show, but then out of nowhere he just bails on me.
- [tense sounds.]
- Not sure why.
I can see why you'd be confused being so new to the scene.
The scene? Daytime.
Ah.
You see, Joe, in daytime, things are done a certain way.
I mean you like soup, right? Sure.
I like soup.
Everybody likes soup, Joe.
All right, so, imagine that this bowl of soup is all of daytime TV, all right.
And this matzah ball right here, this is that big fancy guest you booked for your show, all right.
And everybody wants this guy, 'cause he gets huge ratings.
He's a big star, everybody goes home rich, they buy their kids new lips for their birthdays.
But what do you do? You go out and book this guy all by your lonesome.
And then what happens? [tense tones.]
You make a mess.
You made a mess, Joe.
But, I'm gonna clean it up for you.
Because I like you.
You got chutzpah.
Okay, well.
What do I do? I mean, I-I-I need a guest.
I need a guest! [mocking tone.]
What am I gonna do? I need a guest.
Why don't you grow some matzah balls, Joe.
Huh? There's no crying in daytime television.
I'll tell you what.
I'll make some calls, I'll find you a great guest for your first week.
How do you feel about uh Jerry O'Connell? My wife loves him! Everybody's wife loves Jerry O'Connell, Joe.
My wife loves Jerry O'Connell.
I'm gonna clean this up for you, Joe.
And then someday maybe I'm gonna call on you to clean something for me.
[relieved sigh.]
Thank you so much.
And whatever it is, I'll be there.
Yeah.
And this looks amazing by the way.
You're gonna eat that? You're not ready for a matzah ball that big, Joe.
I'll get you some small matzah balls, like uh, that fit in a baby's hand.
- You can go.
- Oh.
Okay.
- Yeah.
- Uh, thanks.
[silver ware clanking.]
[obnoxious slurping.]
[upbeat music.]
- Wow.
Smells so good in here.
- Mmm, right.
Well, I know you've been working so hard with Quinn, so I decided to make my famous Joe Mac Grilled Ham and Cheese.
- Yum! - Yeah.
Where are the kids? Oh Flan took 'em to a documentary.
Something about genetically modified mushrooms.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Have some champagne.
Are we celebrating? More like an apology.
For my crazy, kooky behavior the last couple of weeks.
And I just wanna thank you for everything you do, for us and the kids, and I don't know what I'd do with out you.
- Honey.
- [glasses clink.]
But you don't want me to go to Argentina, do you? No.
No, go.
Yes, I want you to go.
Do I want you to go with a shirtless French actor? No.
But, this is gonna be great for your career.
Hey, 'cause if you want me to go, I'm gonna go.
- Well, go.
Go, go, go.
- Okay, I am.
And then go, after that go, keep going.
Really, go? Go! - [glasses clink.]
- More good news.
I confirmed my first guest for the show.
- Amazing! Who is it? - Jerry O'Connell.
- I love him! - I know.
I still gotta do one more thing before I close the deal.
[energetic music.]
Not sure the speedo is necessary, but I appreciate the guest.
You missed a spot.
Turn around.
Lower.
[obnoxious slurping.]
[satisfied exhale.]