Robot Chicken s05e05 Episode Script
Malcolm X: Fully Loaded
It's alive! So, that ends our lesson on STDs.
Next, I'm gonna show you how to use a condom.
Uh, who the hell are you? What the Where the hell did all these half-baby, half-cabbages come from? Oh, damn it, Carl! That boy Carl jerk off in the cabbages again?! He sure did! You got to fire that boy! I'm gonna fire him right now.
Carl, you are fired, sir! Carl, you are fired and disgusting! I got this, honey.
Carl You can't jerk off on someone's produce! I-I told him that, honey.
You're not allowed to be here, Carl! You're [bleep.]
with our livelihood! I tried to help you, son, because you're homeless and drug-addled, but you cannot be masturbating on our produce, son.
Carl, that is not the way you make a baby, by [bleep.]
on a cabbage head! I got it, honey.
We can't sell it if it's covered in your semen.
He knows.
I've already told him.
Carl, get out of here! You're [bleep.]
disgusting! You are fired, fired, fired, fired! I do not think we're gonna be able to recommend you for another job, unless that job implies that you are supposed to have semen on produce! I'm not gonna recommend you.
If anyone calls me, I'm gonna tell them you are a chronic masturbator! There's semen everywhere! This is your last warning! Come out or we're coming in! Okay, move, move, move, move! There he is! What, behind the turkey? Get him! So, on this day of Thanksgiving, I, president Obama, hereby pardon this turkey.
Obama soft on crime.
Vote Sarah Palin 2012.
Dead or alive, you're coming with me.
Not gonna happen.
Well, I guess that's it, then.
I made my first pizza as a boy of 13, and now I'm making my last pizza tonight.
Nobody made them like you, gramps.
Hi.
Got a pizza for Silverstein? Ha ha ha! Here you are, son.
You got the last one.
Aw, thanks.
Enjoy.
Aah! Aah! Aah! Ow! Son of a bitch! Ah, screw it.
I'll go to Burger King.
Stupid pizza.
Ah, pizza! Hey! I want that pizza! I'm starving! Poop on it! The old man later died.
Tarzan love Jane.
I love you, too, Tar But Tarzan not in love with Jane.
Hello, yellow! Hello! Do it! Do it! Just do it! What's he doing? Take him down! Take him down! Oh, he was texting me.
We should, uh, probably get our stories straight.
Mmm! Mom, this is so good.
What is it? It's called "cole slaw," honey, also known as "poor-people salad.
" Mmm! It's delicious! How do you make it? Are you my daddy? Sure, kid.
Oh.
This doesn't seem right.
So, I just moved to L.
A.
You want to get some Dunkin' Donuts? Brah, we don't have Dunkin' Donuts in L.
A.
"Knock, knock.
" "Who's there?" "Steve Jobs.
" "Well, you've made my life awesome.
" "Oh? How gracious of you, America.
" Oh, compact disc, so clear, so crisp.
Jobs will pay for making you obsolete.
Have at thee! You've ruined my plan! What? Jobs would be dead right now if you hadn't shown up.
Who are you? I'm Zuneman! Ah, the legends are true.
That's right! There is a sadder hero than myself.
Hey! At least I'm not an outdated format that's only used as a coaster now.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
You're worse.
Your state-of-the-art software and crystal-clear sound quality are matched only by your terrible product design and counterintuitive menu display.
We're working on it! Well, for someone with 120 gigs, you move pretty slow.
Ruh-roh! Looks like somebody's got a scratch.
Guess I'll have to buy a new one.
They have repair kits! What are you doing here, CD? I told you, you're over.
Don't make me kill you.
You already have! Aaah! He's dead.
Who are you? I'm Zune! Really? Wow! What a terrible design.
Make it quick.
Hmm I wouldn't waste the bullets.
Please! Don't leave me like this.
No! Daddy, what's that? I think it's a pager.
Hey, what's that? W-who's there? Damn it, Alfonse! That's coming out of your college fund.
A Teddy Ruxpin?! He can play any tape, and he moves his mouth along with the words! Oh! Thanks, Uncle Gallagher! Let's try it out! I've got a copy of my stand-up special, "Melon Crazy.
" Aah! Aah! No! He's got a cyanide capsule.
Don't you bite down, you son of a bitch! You're gonna play my tape! He's he's gone.
Ah.
We'll have to listen to it in the living room.
N-o-o-o-o-o! Whoo! All right! I'm Nicky Passion, and I'm here to show you how to manage your team and Achieve your dream! All right! Oh, check out the mug on this one.
Hey, mirror, mirror on your face, what brought you to this helpful place? Well, I run my own business.
I'm kidding, rearview.
I read your bio.
I know the story.
Let's take a look at your video.
Next time, G.
I.
Joe! Next time, G.
I.
Joe! Next time, G.
I.
Joe.
But that next time never comes, does it? No.
Maybe it's time you stopped Cobra Commanding and start Cobra Commending.
You run one of the most successful terrorist organizations in the world.
Isn't that something to be proud of? I guess.
Maybe once you step back and look, you'll realize that you've already Achieved your dream! That's not exactly my dream.
I paid $300 for this? I'm sorry, sir.
I don't see a name tag for Cy-kill.
But I told Crasher to book my trip.
She must have failed me.
You see, I need this seminar more than anyone.
Sorry.
There's really nothing I can do.
Well, there's nothing you can do about me taking all the free cookies.
I am Megatron, leader of the Decepticons.
Aw, sounds more like a self-decepticon.
Let's take a look.
This is your fault, Megatron! You're firing blanks, Megatron! How do my balls taste, Megatron? And what's your girl Friday's name? Starscream.
Listen to me now, tons of fun.
It's not the gun in the fight but the fight in the gun.
And this guy here is starscreaming for an ass-whupping! Listen to me now.
You stand for number one, but you always sit for number two.
Ah.
Thank you.
All right.
There you go.
All right.
We got time for one more, folks.
Where is Charmin, you all good? What? Who's there? Whoops.
I think I woke him, folks.
Who's there? Anyway, Tommy, do me a favor and put that shame spotlight on the gay blade in 13C! Oh, oh, Nicky! Bones, what the hell are you doing here? I told you, man, I can't help you.
But I've been doing the exercises you gave me and writing in my dream journal.
Have have you defeated He-Man once yet? Well just once? I mean, what does "defeated" even really mean, you know? I mean, one man's defeat is just another man's Hee hee, I'll just go.
All right, get on out of here.
And remember, folks, you can't be the top dog if you act like a pussy.
Enjoy your lunch! I can see your mumm-balls.
Watch out! Evil raisin! Oh, looks like an old hacky sack.
ba-bawk bawk bawk ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk Ba-gawk! Bawk.
Next, I'm gonna show you how to use a condom.
Uh, who the hell are you? What the Where the hell did all these half-baby, half-cabbages come from? Oh, damn it, Carl! That boy Carl jerk off in the cabbages again?! He sure did! You got to fire that boy! I'm gonna fire him right now.
Carl, you are fired, sir! Carl, you are fired and disgusting! I got this, honey.
Carl You can't jerk off on someone's produce! I-I told him that, honey.
You're not allowed to be here, Carl! You're [bleep.]
with our livelihood! I tried to help you, son, because you're homeless and drug-addled, but you cannot be masturbating on our produce, son.
Carl, that is not the way you make a baby, by [bleep.]
on a cabbage head! I got it, honey.
We can't sell it if it's covered in your semen.
He knows.
I've already told him.
Carl, get out of here! You're [bleep.]
disgusting! You are fired, fired, fired, fired! I do not think we're gonna be able to recommend you for another job, unless that job implies that you are supposed to have semen on produce! I'm not gonna recommend you.
If anyone calls me, I'm gonna tell them you are a chronic masturbator! There's semen everywhere! This is your last warning! Come out or we're coming in! Okay, move, move, move, move! There he is! What, behind the turkey? Get him! So, on this day of Thanksgiving, I, president Obama, hereby pardon this turkey.
Obama soft on crime.
Vote Sarah Palin 2012.
Dead or alive, you're coming with me.
Not gonna happen.
Well, I guess that's it, then.
I made my first pizza as a boy of 13, and now I'm making my last pizza tonight.
Nobody made them like you, gramps.
Hi.
Got a pizza for Silverstein? Ha ha ha! Here you are, son.
You got the last one.
Aw, thanks.
Enjoy.
Aah! Aah! Aah! Ow! Son of a bitch! Ah, screw it.
I'll go to Burger King.
Stupid pizza.
Ah, pizza! Hey! I want that pizza! I'm starving! Poop on it! The old man later died.
Tarzan love Jane.
I love you, too, Tar But Tarzan not in love with Jane.
Hello, yellow! Hello! Do it! Do it! Just do it! What's he doing? Take him down! Take him down! Oh, he was texting me.
We should, uh, probably get our stories straight.
Mmm! Mom, this is so good.
What is it? It's called "cole slaw," honey, also known as "poor-people salad.
" Mmm! It's delicious! How do you make it? Are you my daddy? Sure, kid.
Oh.
This doesn't seem right.
So, I just moved to L.
A.
You want to get some Dunkin' Donuts? Brah, we don't have Dunkin' Donuts in L.
A.
"Knock, knock.
" "Who's there?" "Steve Jobs.
" "Well, you've made my life awesome.
" "Oh? How gracious of you, America.
" Oh, compact disc, so clear, so crisp.
Jobs will pay for making you obsolete.
Have at thee! You've ruined my plan! What? Jobs would be dead right now if you hadn't shown up.
Who are you? I'm Zuneman! Ah, the legends are true.
That's right! There is a sadder hero than myself.
Hey! At least I'm not an outdated format that's only used as a coaster now.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
You're worse.
Your state-of-the-art software and crystal-clear sound quality are matched only by your terrible product design and counterintuitive menu display.
We're working on it! Well, for someone with 120 gigs, you move pretty slow.
Ruh-roh! Looks like somebody's got a scratch.
Guess I'll have to buy a new one.
They have repair kits! What are you doing here, CD? I told you, you're over.
Don't make me kill you.
You already have! Aaah! He's dead.
Who are you? I'm Zune! Really? Wow! What a terrible design.
Make it quick.
Hmm I wouldn't waste the bullets.
Please! Don't leave me like this.
No! Daddy, what's that? I think it's a pager.
Hey, what's that? W-who's there? Damn it, Alfonse! That's coming out of your college fund.
A Teddy Ruxpin?! He can play any tape, and he moves his mouth along with the words! Oh! Thanks, Uncle Gallagher! Let's try it out! I've got a copy of my stand-up special, "Melon Crazy.
" Aah! Aah! No! He's got a cyanide capsule.
Don't you bite down, you son of a bitch! You're gonna play my tape! He's he's gone.
Ah.
We'll have to listen to it in the living room.
N-o-o-o-o-o! Whoo! All right! I'm Nicky Passion, and I'm here to show you how to manage your team and Achieve your dream! All right! Oh, check out the mug on this one.
Hey, mirror, mirror on your face, what brought you to this helpful place? Well, I run my own business.
I'm kidding, rearview.
I read your bio.
I know the story.
Let's take a look at your video.
Next time, G.
I.
Joe! Next time, G.
I.
Joe! Next time, G.
I.
Joe.
But that next time never comes, does it? No.
Maybe it's time you stopped Cobra Commanding and start Cobra Commending.
You run one of the most successful terrorist organizations in the world.
Isn't that something to be proud of? I guess.
Maybe once you step back and look, you'll realize that you've already Achieved your dream! That's not exactly my dream.
I paid $300 for this? I'm sorry, sir.
I don't see a name tag for Cy-kill.
But I told Crasher to book my trip.
She must have failed me.
You see, I need this seminar more than anyone.
Sorry.
There's really nothing I can do.
Well, there's nothing you can do about me taking all the free cookies.
I am Megatron, leader of the Decepticons.
Aw, sounds more like a self-decepticon.
Let's take a look.
This is your fault, Megatron! You're firing blanks, Megatron! How do my balls taste, Megatron? And what's your girl Friday's name? Starscream.
Listen to me now, tons of fun.
It's not the gun in the fight but the fight in the gun.
And this guy here is starscreaming for an ass-whupping! Listen to me now.
You stand for number one, but you always sit for number two.
Ah.
Thank you.
All right.
There you go.
All right.
We got time for one more, folks.
Where is Charmin, you all good? What? Who's there? Whoops.
I think I woke him, folks.
Who's there? Anyway, Tommy, do me a favor and put that shame spotlight on the gay blade in 13C! Oh, oh, Nicky! Bones, what the hell are you doing here? I told you, man, I can't help you.
But I've been doing the exercises you gave me and writing in my dream journal.
Have have you defeated He-Man once yet? Well just once? I mean, what does "defeated" even really mean, you know? I mean, one man's defeat is just another man's Hee hee, I'll just go.
All right, get on out of here.
And remember, folks, you can't be the top dog if you act like a pussy.
Enjoy your lunch! I can see your mumm-balls.
Watch out! Evil raisin! Oh, looks like an old hacky sack.
ba-bawk bawk bawk ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk Ba-gawk! Bawk.