Robot Chicken s11e01 Episode Script
May Cause a Whole Lotta Scabs
1
[Dramatic music plays.]
[All chattering.]
[Grunting.]
- Oh! - Whoa! [All chattering.]
[Grunting.]
[Chattering continues.]
[Beep.]
[Gasps.]
[Chuckles.]
- Aah! - [Grunting.]
Ow! Ah.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Yah! Yah! Yah! [Distorted grunting in slow-mo.]
[Distorted scream.]
[Theme music plays.]
[Cackles.]
MAN: It's alive! [Cackles.]
[Cackles.]
Motherfucker I'mma kill you and rob your home I'mma break your ankle and smash your jawbone, yeah Hey, homies, mind if I join in this rapping battle? I'm Rappin' Rockin' Barbie.
And as long as I have my pink plastic boom box and my big plastic dreams, I know I can make it to the top of the urban charts.
Yeah, fuck off, Karen, and go back to your DreamHouse I'mma fuckin' kill you and your perfectly steamed blouse Fuck your blond hair and your inhuman proportions I'll bet both your parents Wish they had an abortion, yeah - MAN: Yeah, man! - Turn that volume up to seven, Skipper.
It's time to rap and rock! You think I'm just a white bitch full of hot air I've been white, black, Hispanic, and curly-haired I got 600 sport cars I've never used And I'll curb stomp your ass with my designer shoes I own a ski resort, a hospital And a water park, too I'm a household name So who the fuck are you? - Go, Barbie! - Ooh! Bitch, you got all that shit handed to you I work hard on these streets You can't even tie your shoes You look like you never worked a day in your life The only thing you're good at is being a housewife, yeah [Crowd "ohhs," man shouts indistinctly.]
Fuck you, bitch, I've had over 200 careers I've been a surgeon, a mailman And a robotics engineer Have you been a judge, a firefighter And a proctologist? A chicken farmer, baker, and a paleontologist? I'm a NASCAR driver, news anchor, astronaut I also ran for president and didn't cry when I lost - What?! - Oh, damn.
Barbie wins.
Go, Barbie! [Machine-gun fire.]
- Ow! Someone call a doctor! - Barbie, you are a doctor.
Only when I'm wearing the outfit.
- Oh, you're such a helper.
- Oh, my pleasure.
A little help for an elderly hot dog? Go back to the ballpark, Frank.
I don't help wieners.
[Laughs.]
[Horn honks, tires screech.]
Well, hot dog! Slumber parties make memories you'll cherish forever.
Riley, you're a teenager now.
You got to stop talking like a dweeb.
Rite of passage time! - We're gonna pierce those ears.
- Gulp.
Aww! Riley's growing up.
Can't society just let a little girl be a little girl?! Yeah.
- That knife's not sterile! This is gonna hurt! What do we do?! He's freaking out again! I hope he doesn't piss himself.
This is Anger's fault.
Anger leads to Fear.
Are you trying to quote "The Phantom Menace" again? That movie makes me furious! We have to plant this memory.
Riley must remember this as her decision, or she'll feel bullied.
What the hell are you talking about? - Go! Go, go, go! - Oh, my God.
[Machine-gun fire, men screaming.]
It's her decision.
[Bell rings.]
- It's your decision.
- This is my decision.
Let us remember Riley as a good girl, not someone who decided to ask her friend to stab her in the ear and then bled to death.
Wait, I-I could just buy these? Okay, Voltron Force, this is the toughest Robeast yet.
Prepare to form Blazing Sword! - Ah-choo! - What the hell was that? - It wasn't me.
- I didn't do it.
Hey, it was me, okay? I have ragweed allergies.
Can we fight the Robeast now? There's no ragweed in the cold vacuum of space.
Pidge, you motherfucker.
I bet you have that flu bug going around, and now we're all gonna get sick.
Well, I don't get any paid sick leave, so Ah-choo! I can feel the virus coming through the vents.
- Ah-choo! - See? I'm freaking out, man.
Aah! Form Blazing Sword! [Roars.]
- Get out of here.
- Pidge, get out of here! What is happening? Ah-choo! Ah-choo! Oh! That's probably just ragweed.
Right? [Sniffs.]
Hey, can I share a secret with you? You're a songwriter, baby.
Yeah.
Hey, Phil, help milady into the car.
She's coming home with me.
Jackson, that's a shopping cart.
I know a hot-blooded woman when I see one.
And get me one of them adult diapers.
I think I alcohol peed myself again.
[Somber music plays.]
Hey.
I just want to get another look.
I want to bring out a special friend of mine.
She's got a real good song, and she ain't bad to look at.
Please welcome, property of Trader Joe's, Do Not Remove from Lot! [Cheers and applause.]
[Mid-tempo music plays.]
[Vocalizing.]
- She is hot! - Told you.
Now go get me more of those diapers.
That voice makes me pee my pants every time.
You take the blue pill, your story comes to an end.
But if you take the red pill, I show you how deep this rabbit hole goes.
[Gags.]
[Coughing.]
Oh, sorry.
I have a thing with swallowing pills.
[Gagging.]
One second.
I'll get this.
Drink the water, Neo.
[Spits.]
Why is it so big? It's like a pill for a horse.
[Gulps, coughs.]
- Neo, tilt your head forward.
- [Coughing.]
Oh, God.
Do you have a chewable tablet, like a pill for a dog? - No.
- Huh.
Maybe if you put it in a meatball Is there a liquid form? Oh! [Gagging.]
[Choking.]
- Uh-oh.
- [Body thuds.]
Oh, God.
[Choking.]
He's dead.
[Chuckles.]
I guess he was not the one.
I have meatballs if Oh.
Well, guess it's meatballs for dinner.
[Ominous music plays.]
Hmm.
Want some? [Laughs.]
Oh, liebchen, such a mess you are.
Ha ha.
Chicken noodle or chicken rice? [Fly buzzes.]
Ah.
Chicken rice.
Good choice.
So rough day, hmm? Gamora, we have a guest.
[Grunting.]
[Fly buzzing.]
Gamora, Natasha.
Natasha, Gamora.
The three of us are going to have so much fun! Ha ha! [Sighs.]
I wish someone would throw a Nintendo Switch off that damn cliff.
Hello.
Who are you, my dear? My name's Rey.
I'm pretty sure that's a boy's name.
- Rey Skywalker.
- Pretty butch.
Okay, then.
Victor! Some young girl is squatting in the old Lars place.
What? God damn it, Barbara.
Our spice stash is in the old Lars place.
10,000 parsecs a desert! She couldn't pick a different shithole? [Sighs.]
Well, let's go get it.
We can't.
She's one of those dirty Jedi.
We have to find another way.
REY: [Straining.]
Use the Force, Rey.
Ahh! Freedom at last.
Okay, she's finished pooping.
We probably didn't need to watch her the whole time, but I'm glad we did.
Whew! Here we go.
Planking.
[Beeping.]
Aaaah! Whoa! Aah! Uh! Aaahhh! Uh! It's the perfect plan.
After she wheels you back inside, - just sneak out and grab the spice.
- Shh! As part of my new life, I will no longer be a scavenger.
- I'm glad I'm getting rid of these rusty droid parts - VICTOR: Ooh! - leaky blaster cartridges - Aah! - old power converters - Ah! - Tosche Station yoga pants - Those are nice.
a signed picture of some porn actor - named Biggs Darklighter - Oh! - contaminated blue milk jugs - Oh, God, no, no.
Aah! and 10 pounds of moldy earwax from Owen's earwax vacuum - No.
Oh, God, God.
- I guess he never cleaned.
- And two anonymous skeletons.
- Hey, Owen, Beru.
I can't believe I used to sell this stuff in order to eat.
Wait.
[Screams.]
Okay, new perfect plan.
We tunnel under the house, pop up into the courtyard, and grab the spice.
Happily tunneling.
Huh.
This doesn't look like the old Lars place.
Victor! My God! You dug us into a Sarlacc pit! Did it again.
You idiot.
[Screaming.]
You were right we should have just killed her.
[Dance music plays.]
Hey! You're my new neighbors, right? Is the party too loud? - Sorry.
Wanna come in? - Okay.
When I was cleaning out the place, - I found a huge spice stash.
- Ohh! I grew up a loner, so I thought this would be a good chance - to make some friends.
- Drugs do help friendships grow.
I'll keep her distracted.
Get the spice.
Do you have a boyfriend, dearie? No, I like men who might be my brother, but they're not my brother, but they might be, so the sexual tension is, like, through the roof.
Also, they talk to me in my head while they're all shirtless and oily.
- It's a type.
- Oh.
- How you doing? - Wait.
I sense a great disturbance in the Force.
Somebody's stealing my drugs! Oh, shit.
Victor, she's a spicehead! Lightsaber.
Flip.
Land.
- Ooh! - Did she try to do that? Rey! Are you throwing a spice party in my house without me?! [Inhaling deeply.]
Let's party! [Dance music plays.]
Ah, this jam's making me want to go dark side.
- We'll try again tomorrow.
- VICTOR: When she's pooping? Hmm? Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk - Ba-gawk! - Bawk.
[All chattering.]
[Grunting.]
- Oh! - Whoa! [All chattering.]
[Grunting.]
[Chattering continues.]
[Beep.]
[Gasps.]
[Chuckles.]
- Aah! - [Grunting.]
Ow! Ah.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Yah! Yah! Yah! [Distorted grunting in slow-mo.]
[Distorted scream.]
[Theme music plays.]
[Cackles.]
MAN: It's alive! [Cackles.]
[Cackles.]
Motherfucker I'mma kill you and rob your home I'mma break your ankle and smash your jawbone, yeah Hey, homies, mind if I join in this rapping battle? I'm Rappin' Rockin' Barbie.
And as long as I have my pink plastic boom box and my big plastic dreams, I know I can make it to the top of the urban charts.
Yeah, fuck off, Karen, and go back to your DreamHouse I'mma fuckin' kill you and your perfectly steamed blouse Fuck your blond hair and your inhuman proportions I'll bet both your parents Wish they had an abortion, yeah - MAN: Yeah, man! - Turn that volume up to seven, Skipper.
It's time to rap and rock! You think I'm just a white bitch full of hot air I've been white, black, Hispanic, and curly-haired I got 600 sport cars I've never used And I'll curb stomp your ass with my designer shoes I own a ski resort, a hospital And a water park, too I'm a household name So who the fuck are you? - Go, Barbie! - Ooh! Bitch, you got all that shit handed to you I work hard on these streets You can't even tie your shoes You look like you never worked a day in your life The only thing you're good at is being a housewife, yeah [Crowd "ohhs," man shouts indistinctly.]
Fuck you, bitch, I've had over 200 careers I've been a surgeon, a mailman And a robotics engineer Have you been a judge, a firefighter And a proctologist? A chicken farmer, baker, and a paleontologist? I'm a NASCAR driver, news anchor, astronaut I also ran for president and didn't cry when I lost - What?! - Oh, damn.
Barbie wins.
Go, Barbie! [Machine-gun fire.]
- Ow! Someone call a doctor! - Barbie, you are a doctor.
Only when I'm wearing the outfit.
- Oh, you're such a helper.
- Oh, my pleasure.
A little help for an elderly hot dog? Go back to the ballpark, Frank.
I don't help wieners.
[Laughs.]
[Horn honks, tires screech.]
Well, hot dog! Slumber parties make memories you'll cherish forever.
Riley, you're a teenager now.
You got to stop talking like a dweeb.
Rite of passage time! - We're gonna pierce those ears.
- Gulp.
Aww! Riley's growing up.
Can't society just let a little girl be a little girl?! Yeah.
- That knife's not sterile! This is gonna hurt! What do we do?! He's freaking out again! I hope he doesn't piss himself.
This is Anger's fault.
Anger leads to Fear.
Are you trying to quote "The Phantom Menace" again? That movie makes me furious! We have to plant this memory.
Riley must remember this as her decision, or she'll feel bullied.
What the hell are you talking about? - Go! Go, go, go! - Oh, my God.
[Machine-gun fire, men screaming.]
It's her decision.
[Bell rings.]
- It's your decision.
- This is my decision.
Let us remember Riley as a good girl, not someone who decided to ask her friend to stab her in the ear and then bled to death.
Wait, I-I could just buy these? Okay, Voltron Force, this is the toughest Robeast yet.
Prepare to form Blazing Sword! - Ah-choo! - What the hell was that? - It wasn't me.
- I didn't do it.
Hey, it was me, okay? I have ragweed allergies.
Can we fight the Robeast now? There's no ragweed in the cold vacuum of space.
Pidge, you motherfucker.
I bet you have that flu bug going around, and now we're all gonna get sick.
Well, I don't get any paid sick leave, so Ah-choo! I can feel the virus coming through the vents.
- Ah-choo! - See? I'm freaking out, man.
Aah! Form Blazing Sword! [Roars.]
- Get out of here.
- Pidge, get out of here! What is happening? Ah-choo! Ah-choo! Oh! That's probably just ragweed.
Right? [Sniffs.]
Hey, can I share a secret with you? You're a songwriter, baby.
Yeah.
Hey, Phil, help milady into the car.
She's coming home with me.
Jackson, that's a shopping cart.
I know a hot-blooded woman when I see one.
And get me one of them adult diapers.
I think I alcohol peed myself again.
[Somber music plays.]
Hey.
I just want to get another look.
I want to bring out a special friend of mine.
She's got a real good song, and she ain't bad to look at.
Please welcome, property of Trader Joe's, Do Not Remove from Lot! [Cheers and applause.]
[Mid-tempo music plays.]
[Vocalizing.]
- She is hot! - Told you.
Now go get me more of those diapers.
That voice makes me pee my pants every time.
You take the blue pill, your story comes to an end.
But if you take the red pill, I show you how deep this rabbit hole goes.
[Gags.]
[Coughing.]
Oh, sorry.
I have a thing with swallowing pills.
[Gagging.]
One second.
I'll get this.
Drink the water, Neo.
[Spits.]
Why is it so big? It's like a pill for a horse.
[Gulps, coughs.]
- Neo, tilt your head forward.
- [Coughing.]
Oh, God.
Do you have a chewable tablet, like a pill for a dog? - No.
- Huh.
Maybe if you put it in a meatball Is there a liquid form? Oh! [Gagging.]
[Choking.]
- Uh-oh.
- [Body thuds.]
Oh, God.
[Choking.]
He's dead.
[Chuckles.]
I guess he was not the one.
I have meatballs if Oh.
Well, guess it's meatballs for dinner.
[Ominous music plays.]
Hmm.
Want some? [Laughs.]
Oh, liebchen, such a mess you are.
Ha ha.
Chicken noodle or chicken rice? [Fly buzzes.]
Ah.
Chicken rice.
Good choice.
So rough day, hmm? Gamora, we have a guest.
[Grunting.]
[Fly buzzing.]
Gamora, Natasha.
Natasha, Gamora.
The three of us are going to have so much fun! Ha ha! [Sighs.]
I wish someone would throw a Nintendo Switch off that damn cliff.
Hello.
Who are you, my dear? My name's Rey.
I'm pretty sure that's a boy's name.
- Rey Skywalker.
- Pretty butch.
Okay, then.
Victor! Some young girl is squatting in the old Lars place.
What? God damn it, Barbara.
Our spice stash is in the old Lars place.
10,000 parsecs a desert! She couldn't pick a different shithole? [Sighs.]
Well, let's go get it.
We can't.
She's one of those dirty Jedi.
We have to find another way.
REY: [Straining.]
Use the Force, Rey.
Ahh! Freedom at last.
Okay, she's finished pooping.
We probably didn't need to watch her the whole time, but I'm glad we did.
Whew! Here we go.
Planking.
[Beeping.]
Aaaah! Whoa! Aah! Uh! Aaahhh! Uh! It's the perfect plan.
After she wheels you back inside, - just sneak out and grab the spice.
- Shh! As part of my new life, I will no longer be a scavenger.
- I'm glad I'm getting rid of these rusty droid parts - VICTOR: Ooh! - leaky blaster cartridges - Aah! - old power converters - Ah! - Tosche Station yoga pants - Those are nice.
a signed picture of some porn actor - named Biggs Darklighter - Oh! - contaminated blue milk jugs - Oh, God, no, no.
Aah! and 10 pounds of moldy earwax from Owen's earwax vacuum - No.
Oh, God, God.
- I guess he never cleaned.
- And two anonymous skeletons.
- Hey, Owen, Beru.
I can't believe I used to sell this stuff in order to eat.
Wait.
[Screams.]
Okay, new perfect plan.
We tunnel under the house, pop up into the courtyard, and grab the spice.
Happily tunneling.
Huh.
This doesn't look like the old Lars place.
Victor! My God! You dug us into a Sarlacc pit! Did it again.
You idiot.
[Screaming.]
You were right we should have just killed her.
[Dance music plays.]
Hey! You're my new neighbors, right? Is the party too loud? - Sorry.
Wanna come in? - Okay.
When I was cleaning out the place, - I found a huge spice stash.
- Ohh! I grew up a loner, so I thought this would be a good chance - to make some friends.
- Drugs do help friendships grow.
I'll keep her distracted.
Get the spice.
Do you have a boyfriend, dearie? No, I like men who might be my brother, but they're not my brother, but they might be, so the sexual tension is, like, through the roof.
Also, they talk to me in my head while they're all shirtless and oily.
- It's a type.
- Oh.
- How you doing? - Wait.
I sense a great disturbance in the Force.
Somebody's stealing my drugs! Oh, shit.
Victor, she's a spicehead! Lightsaber.
Flip.
Land.
- Ooh! - Did she try to do that? Rey! Are you throwing a spice party in my house without me?! [Inhaling deeply.]
Let's party! [Dance music plays.]
Ah, this jam's making me want to go dark side.
- We'll try again tomorrow.
- VICTOR: When she's pooping? Hmm? Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk - Ba-gawk! - Bawk.