Rules of Engagement s01e03 Episode Script

Coffee.
To go, please.
- Adam! - Hey, guys.
- How's it going? - I'm tired.
I haven't got any sleep since I moved in with Jennifer.
All right, up top, brother.
No, it's not that.
The problem is her tiny bed.
There's no space that could hold all these knees and elbows.
Get a bigger bed.
We've had one for ten years.
We're like boxers, when we're done mixing it up, we like to go to our own corners.
And the rounds never last more than 3 min.
If you want more than 3 min, then be ready more than 3 min before Sports Centre.
Or be willing to face that direction.
Record Sports Centre, that way you won't have to rush.
I work better with a deadline.
He does.
I'll think about that bigger bed thing.
Apple pie for breakfast? Here's my thinking on that.
You'd be fine if I ordered apple Danish, which is basically flat apple pie.
Good use of your brain.
What? Hey, Audrey, Magilla.
Russell.
It's my new friend Dani.
Dani, this is Jeff, Audrey.
Hi, nice to meet you.
- The pleasure's mine.
- Hello.
It's okay, he's a gentle giant, don't be afraid.
Good stuff, Russell, good stuff.
I'm going to meet you at the table 'cause I have to go to the little girls' room.
Is it Bring-your-daughter-to-work day already? No, but I get it.
Guess what.
She's a lifeguard.
Lucky drowning victims, how old is she? Don't you mean how old isn't she? Just kidding, but seriously, call Jack Bauer, 'cause she's 24.
- Sit down and eat, Jeff.
- Hold on, how did you do that? How did a guy your age pull that off? Age is not an issue.
Mostly because I lie about it.
It's a good system.
You may possibly be my new hero.
I'm flattered.
Listen, I gotta go read the menu to Dani, see you.
All right, you keep up the good work, Dani.
Lifeguards are the doctors of our beaches.
Okay, we're good, beat it.
Where's my pie? You're warming it.
And now, it's a Danish! Sorry.
I don't think I deserved a pant-load of apple pie.
You did.
I can't believe you-- Is that crust on your face? You ate the butt pie? It was paid for.
Look, I don't expect you not to find other women attractive, but is our relationship really at a point where you feel comfortable doing it in front of me? No, you're right.
I was pretty rude.
And I'm sorry.
And just so you know, you don't have to worry, I would never leave you for a 24-year-old.
Thank you.
That is a load off my mind.
- You're being sarcastic.
- I am.
Because you don't think I can attract a 24-year-old.
Not even if you were wearing a suit made out of Justin Timberlake.
Are you forgetting you were 24 when you fell for my charms? Your charms? When I first saw you, you were screaming at a girl for overpumping the keg.
It was gonna be all foam! You know what? You believe what you wanna believe, you're just lucky there's no way we can prove it.
Maybe there is.
What are you talking about? I'll give you one night.
Go out, take off your wedding ring and try to get a young girl's phone number.
You do not want me to call your bluff.
I'm not bluffing.
And if you don't want to embarrass yourself by trying, I would totally understand.
Let's make it a bet, what are we playing for? There should be something at stake.
Something is.
Your dignity.
Yeah, like I never lost that before! Episode 3 : Young and the Restless Version 1.
0 What do you think? A new queen-size bed? This is a great! Thought we couldn't afford one.
We can't! But it's my old bed, I got it out of storage.
I forgot how comfortable it is.
You know, when we got it, Sonia wanted to get the cheaper one, but I convinced her to go top of the ladder.
Pretty smart, uh? Sonia? Who? Your ex-girlfriend Sonia? Was she? I cannot sleep or do other things in a bed you bought with your ex! Dah, you already have! But I didn't know it then.
Plus, that was when we were dating, now we're engaged, this is our apartment, this can't be our bed! Come on! I'm not getting any sleep in the little bed! The little bed is killing me! - I'm sorry, Adam, it needs to go.
- Why? You didn't have a problem with the chair I brought over.
That's because you and Sonia didn't have sex on it.
Okay, the chair goes too! Come on, Jennifer! Look, I know it's irrational, but every time I got into that bed, I'd feel like Sonia was in it with us.
Really? What? No, I was just thinking about-- You're so pretty.
Look, let's just buy a new bed.
No, when we got engaged, we agreed that we wouldn't start our life together in debt.
- We don't need that pressure.
- What are we gonna do? Look, let's just Let's just go back to your old bed, okay? Sorry.
I wish I were as secure as you.
What do you mean? Why am I secure? Well, because I can't deal with Sonia and your bed, but you're fine with all the guys who've been in mine.
All the guys? Those were her words? You know, it's more than two or she would have said "both.
" And that's just in that bed.
Home games, road trips.
Will have to ask the man.
How old do you think she was in her rookie year, like 16, 17? Let's make it 18, keep it legal.
Hey, guys, thanks.
I feel much better now, you can stop.
Look, you test-drove a Ferrari, you bought a Ferrari, and now you're shocked, you're driving a Ferrari? Yes, what do you think she was when you met her? What's a car that hasn't had tons of sex? You guys are great.
I'm gonna walk this off.
Attaboy! What are you doing? - What do you mean? - Are we sharing milk shake? Get over there.
Hey, so How's Dani? She still does homework, that's how she is.
Aren't you a little worried she's gonna find out how old you are and you're gonna look ridiculous? Listen, you married guys are always trying to find a flaw in my series of shallow sex-based relationships built on lies.
You're right, it does sound perfect.
Is that supposed to be sarcastic? Not sure.
Adam told me about the challenge Audrey gave you, I love it! I know the perfect bar, so what's the game plan? I'm just gonna be myself.
Operation Failure, good call.
You want some help? I don't.
I'm sure you're a lone wolf on the make for all the honeys, but this old hive has still got some honey in it.
Nice speech, none of it from this century, but I admire your confidence.
Come on, let's see some game.
Pretend I'm a woman.
Already there.
I'm trying to help you out.
- Give me your opening line.
- All right.
Hi, I'm Jeff.
Hey, Jeff.
I'm Laura.
Laura, pretty name, from the Greek.
Meaning fresh smelling.
Always comment on a woman's odor.
It's good you didn't do, get out there.
You look sharp.
Sure you don't wanna call this off? Because you're bathed? I don't think so.
What is that? Some new cologne? It's a man's all over body spray.
You bought body spray.
It came in the newspaper.
Now, knowing all of this, one last chance to call it off.
No, I don't want to call it off.
Why, do you? Does this answer your question? I'm gonna need some butter.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I'm Jeff.
- I'm Bonnie.
I like your shirt.
Thanks, my wife bought it for me.
Hold on.
When-- When I said wife, I meant my dead wife.
Hi.
I'm back.
What are you doing? Still designing the sales brochure for those condos Look! I don't like the way we left things before-- I've decided that nothing happened before.
We have a clean slate and to start have Chinese food and a movie.
Okay, I like it.
- What movie? - Sideways.
Good, I love that one! You've seen it? Really, with who? One of the guys? One of the little bed guys? What happened to the clean slate? You would love a clean slate, wouldn't you? It was your idea! Why all? Honey, why did you have to say "all of the guys"? It's a figure of speech, and neither one of us should have to apologize for our pasts.
Then why did you make me get rid of the Sonia bed and chair? You're right.
How about this? I made you get rid of two things from your past, so I'll get rid of two from mine.
A picture, from my trip to Mexico with Jason.
And the cookbook with the first recipe I made for Michael.
Both gone.
Now we're even.
Not really.
I mean, Jason and Michael? That's two relationships to my one, so The guidebook I took to Barbados with Ann.
Now, we're even.
Now it's three items to two, so From Nick, on Valentine's Day.
Three all.
You wanna ramble? This sexy, sexy mix CD made for me by Cindy for our 3d anniversary trip to Nantucket.
Where we had sex! Steven.
Josh.
Alejandro.
I'm gonna roll around in the Sonia bed.
Could you put that on my tab? Thank you.
Cheers.
I enjoy a cocktail.
Like a drink, and I enjoy drinking it.
Big drinker.
You're welcome, you enjoy that! How's it going, old man? What are you doing here? Are you kidding? I wouldn't miss this.
Hey, I'm a big drinker, I'm actually a drunk, where are you going? That's stuff is gold.
I'm a little rusty, it's still early.
It's later than you think.
Ladies! Check it out, here comes the plan B.
Hi, you must be Jeff, I'm Tawney.
Hello, Tawney.
Yeah, Tawney's one of Dani's little buddies.
Russell said you used to live with George Clooney.
Russell and I need to talk.
Two seconds.
- Is she a hooker? - You're gonna have sex with her? Then she's not a hooker.
You say you're friend with George Clooney, you get a phone number, it's really simple.
You think I have to lie to somebody to get a number? I've been watching you.
You do! You're going to prove Audrey wrong.
It's not about proving anything to Audrey, it's about proving something to myself.
Am I past my prime, have I lost it? Yes And yes.
All right, I'll be with the girls.
I just don't know what to do, neither of us can change what we did before we met.
You know, most people deal with this stuff before they get engaged.
You guys just dove in after seven months.
Are you pregnant? It's okay if you are, just don't tell anyone I gave you one.
I'm not pregnant.
I just don't want our insecurities to mess things up, I mean Adam's the one.
And I had to chase him for a while.
Jeff pursued me.
Plus I was carrying a three-foot party sub at the time, so Did you guys have problems dealing with your past? Yeah, a little at first.
The longer you're with someone, this stuff just fades away.
I just have to get Adam to see that.
I wish we were as secure as you and Jeff.
Yeah, well, don't get too secure.
And you start taking your wife for granted by drooling over some 24-ear-old right in front of her.
So you sent him to a bar without his wedding ring to hit on young girls.
Guess you showed him.
I'm not worried.
Jeff's a good-looking guy.
In a statue on Easter Island kind of way.
Plus, he's kind of a doofus.
He once ran singing Huey Lewis' songs.
And he can't brush his teeth without putting his other hand down his shorts.
Then as long as he's down in that bar singing and brushing his teeth, you have nothing to worry about.
The old veteran might still have it.
That reminds me of 1977 World Series, Reggie Jackson did three home runs.
I was there.
Wait a second, you weren't even born then.
You know what, you're right.
You caught me.
It's time to come clean.
I was not there.
All right, so this is your email, your website, your screen name, - no phone number? - I don't give it out, I'm sort of private.
But you seem like a nice guy, so okay! Hi, is this seat taken? - No, hey.
- Hey.
Feel like buying a girl a drink? Sure.
What's a lady like you doing in a place like this? I had a fight with my husband.
He was sort of being a jerk.
- Is that right? - Yeah.
He met this 24-year-old slut.
We don't know if she is a slut.
She's a lifeguard.
Are all lifeguards sluts? I'm doing the thing, please? As I was saying, my husband carried on about her right in front of me, like I wasn't even there.
It made me feel taken for granted.
Well, my wife thought that she was the only one who could ever find me attractive.
Made me feel taken for granted.
She shouldn't have done that.
He shouldn't have either.
Want to go back to my place? What kind of girl do you think I am? I'm hoping lifeguard.
Well You know they are the doctors of our beaches.
By the way, did you get anybody's number? Just yours.
Jackie Coke and a Cosmo.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Come here, I wanna show you something.
Another box? How much more stuff do you have? No, look.
This box is full of our past, right? And this one's empty.
But The seashell we found the first time we went to the beach.
The matches from the restaurant where you proposed.
The bottle of wine I drank tonight trying to figure this whole thing out.
You drank the whole bottle? Took a lot of figuring.
My point is, that one's as full as it's ever gonna get.
But this one will be adding to for the rest of our lives and before we know it, it will be so full, that that one will seem like nothing.
You're the best.
And one brand new spatula! What do you say, we go make up in our big queen-size bed? Sonia bed? What do you say, we stop calling it the Sonia bed? Yeah, got you.
Is Is that really how you dance? That's just a fake old guy dance I do as a joke.
Wait a second, you're not really 27, are you? You know what, you caught me.
It's time to come clean.
I really dance like this.