Sean Saves The World (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Date Expectations

1 - Sean.
- Hey, Max.
And you are? A fun new item for us to sell that I found in a novelty store.
They took an actual weasel and improved it.
By embedding magic fortune-telling technology in its stomach.
Go ahead.
Ask it a question.
Are you serious? Am I serious? Most definitely.
Anyway, as the owner of this company, I've decided it's the perfect item for our website.
Men will love it.
I'm not sure men will love it, but I'm pretty confident children will fear it.
Am I right? Oh.
"I wanted to live.
" It doesn't say that.
Don't use my weasel against me.
Sir, it's just [Sighs] It's just that the men that shop at our website tend to be sophisticated, suave, debonair Exactly like you, Max.
Are you saying I'm suave and debonair? Oh, my God, yes.
You're like an extra-handsome Cary Grant holding roadkill.
Oh, here you are! You weren't in your office.
Mom, what are you doing here? Well, I'm very excited.
I couldn't wait to tell you.
I've set you up on a date with a very nice man, lonely boy.
But since my boss is here, we're not gonna talk about that.
Mom, you remember Max.
You don't pay my son enough.
[Sighs] I'm sorry.
She has problems with authority.
Hunter, I have a management problem.
- Is it with me? - No.
Then you do what you need to do.
Sean just called me an "extra-handsome Cary Grant" and then made a point of not wanting to discuss his love life in front of me.
Do you see what's happening? Will I get fired if I say "no"? - No.
- I do not see what's happening.
Obviously [Whispering] Sean has a crush on me.
That is a rational conclusion, sir.
By the way, I think your big-ass squirrel is dead.
See ya, sync and corretion by MM7 Mom, I have work to do.
You can't just drop in like this.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I forgot you were President of the United States.
Come on, it's been months since you've been on a date.
I just now got Ellie in my life full-time.
I'm not looking for a relationship.
Who's talking about a relationship? Just roll around a little, have some fun.
That's what I do.
Wakes me up inside, and I think that's why I don't have cancer.
Jill just left two months ago.
Ellie needs all my attention right now.
Nothing on this desk is for you.
I'm sure that Ellie's mom won't mind you going out.
He's a periodontist Gums.
Lot of money.
I'm dating his father.
So he's the guy who's screwing the cancer out of you? I'm your mother And, yes.
His name is Ben.
Actually, I bet you remember him.
He ran one of our mattress stores, the one in lake forest, where you and I did all the commercials together? You were so adorable in them.
Sean was in commercials? - Hunter! - Internet! On it! When Sean was a boy, I owned a couple of mattress stores, and I was supposed to be in some commercials for them with my husband, but we split up, so little Sean was nice enough to offer to be in them with me.
You said I'd get on star search.
You played the part of your dad, with your mom? Oh, my God.
Hunter, where are we? Got 'em! Oh, on another break? Normally I would be upset, but my curiosity outweighs my disapproval.
I call "frontsies.
" So you better hurry in.
These mattresses are moving fast.
Or they will be, once you get them home.
Hi, gorgeous.
I made you breakfast.
Oh, I love you.
I love you too.
Hey, where you going, fella? Nobody thought to rewrite that dialogue? It's like an experimental film I saw in stuttgart, only 1,000 times more disturbing.
Sean really became the man in your life.
Well, at least he had a really comfy mattress to have his nightmares on.
Look how you talk to me and how I just let it go because I am the better person.
No, Sean was not the man in my life.
He was just my special, precious, everything boy.
And Saturday night he has a date.
You set it up without asking me? Yes, I did.
His name is Chase.
He's a periodontist Gums.
Mom! You're embarrassing me.
[Stamps foot] This is my grown-up workplace.
Come on, Sean.
Your mom backed up the moving van.
Get your junk out of storage.
I can't do Saturday.
I have plans with Ellie.
I'll cancel the date.
I'm just a crazy person who cares way too much about her son.
Yeah, we got that from the commercial.
These fire-retardant mattresses make it safe to smoke in bed.
Or just get to know each other better.
No! No, no! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Turn it off! Turn it off! Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! There's, like, five more we haven't watched.
That was so disturbing.
[Laughs] I hate this universal remote.
It controls everything but the TV.
[Slow jazz music] All right, well, now it's just mocking me.
[Remote clicks, music ends] [Sighs] This is why siri laughs at you behind your back.
Hey, so, uh, Saturday I thought we could stay home and have a movie night.
We can watch last of the mohicans.
"You stay alive! No matter what occurs, I will find you!" By the way, that was a weird thing to say to me on my first day of kindergarten.
Besides, I want to go to a party Saturday night.
Come on, I wanted to hang out with you.
Dad, this guy Jake's gonna be there.
Ooh, Jake! I like the sound of that.
Jakes always know what they're doing.
Uh, what are you doing? All right, fine.
I'll cancel the movie, and you can go to your party.
- Thank you.
- I'm just a crazy person who cares way too much about his daughter.
Everyone has something.
You sounded just like your mom.
No, I didn't.
This morning she said the exact same thing to you.
I'm not like my mom.
I just wanted to hang out with Ellie because she's my special, precious, everything girl.
[Whispering] Oh, my God, she's in here.
Cut off my head and scoop her out.
It makes sense.
When your dad took off, your mom smothered you, and now that Ellie's mom is gone, you're smothering her.
[Normal voice] Oh, my God.
You should try the periodontist, Sean.
You do floss regularly.
I am pretty confident about my gums.
I'm going on a date! Yay! - Man, it's been a while.
- Oh, don't worry.
Everybody's still doing the same stuff to each other.
Oh, good, because as I recall, a lot of it was pretty neat.
You two In my office, now.
[Door closes] We have a problem.
Follow me.
Okay, so I'm going on my date, and I googled him, but there are two periodontists named Chase Graham in the Chicago area.
Crazy, right? Here's one.
Both: Oh.
Here's the other.
Both: Ew.
I know, right? This one looks like a spartan who fights gum disease, and this one looks like gum disease.
Hey, do you want us to be there, like it's a group date, in case gingivitis shows up? Yes, thank you.
That would be fantastic.
Now, I'm just gonna put it out of my mind, get some coffee, and leave it up to fate.
- You can do that? - No.
Tell me, weasel, when I open my door tonight, will there be a handsome man there? Hunter Sean is obsessed with me.
Look, Max, I'm not 100% sure that Oh, don't be obtuse, man.
I'm in a position of power.
That's an aphrodisiac.
Plus, my mustache is neatly trimmed.
It denotes a hint of danger.
And, of course [Sniffs] There's my musk.
Well, you can't fight the musk.
Why must I be so attractive? It's a puzzle.
The whole damn thing is a puzzle.
Those curry puffs smell delicious.
I might have prepared a simple chutney to go with them, but that's just me.
Okay, I'm going.
Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! And down and up And down and up And shake, shake, shake, shake, and shake, shake, shake, shake.
Great! Now you have a look that says, "I don't have to work at this.
It just happens, bitches.
" Well, that's good advice.
All right Here's some money for a cab for you and your friends.
- Thank you.
- And here is your phone.
I put an app on it so I could track where you are.
- Dad, why - It's your first time going out on my watch.
I'm a little nervous.
Plus, there's a Jake involved.
So, remember Groin, groin, throat! - I'll be fine.
- Okay, have fun.
And if my date is the handsome one, maybe it'll be throat, throat, groin.
Ooh, it's bad Sean.
I haven't seen him for a while.
[Door closes] I know.
I missed him too.
So Ellie's gonna be okay, right? Well, we don't know.
What is the matter with you? Yes, she'll be fine.
[Doorbell rings] Okay, that's him.
Remember, "ew," you stay, "oh," you go.
All right? Slowly, slowly.
Both: Ew.
Max! What are you doing here? I had something to talk to you about that I thought would be inappropriate for the workplace.
I know that you want me, and it's never going to happen.
What? Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you something.
Sean, I saw you longing for my handsomeness when you were shaking the weasel.
Which mistake should I correct first? You're not the only gay man to fall for me.
I'm not falling for you, sir.
And they all deny it.
But look, I'm not leaving until we figure this out.
As my high-school fencing coach used to say, "masks are for safety, not for hiding our feelings.
" Sean, it's 7:00.
Tell Max how attracted to him you are.
Yes, uh, she's right.
I am super attracted to you.
But it's never going to happen, so now I'll have to start the healing process, if you don't mind.
Ah, the one that got away.
Don't be blue.
As my fencing coach also used to say, "sometimes, for all the parrying, there will be no thrust.
" He sounds like a wise and deeply inappropriate man.
You forgot to tell me that? Oh, I'm sorry, Sean.
I just didn't care.
[Psycho shower music] That's my mom.
She's already calling to see how the date's going.
It's 7:01, what does she think you're gonna say? "Hey, mom, great news! We're having a baby!" [Doorbell rings] Okay, that's really him.
God, it's me, lonely boy? Please make it be the handsome one.
I promise I'll use cloth bags at the supermarket.
Two seconds? It's the handsome one! Get out! Go, go, go, go, go! Get the hell out! Use the back stairs! - Oh, my purse! - I don't care! He's handsome! He's not gonna wait! Go! I'll be right there! [Sniffs] Oh, my curry puffs.
Oh, my God.
Ah! Hello? I'm just straightening up! How was the drive over? Was there traffic? No, uh, not not too bad.
Oh, good, good.
So, uh, are you originally from the Chicago area? Oh, no, no.
We moved here when I was eight.
Is the whole night gonna be like this? Hello.
[Chuckles] Oh, these are for you.
They looked nicer before the door hit them.
Ow! Ooh.
Oh! God, I pricked my finger on a Thorn.
- Oh, come in, come in.
- Sorry, yeah, yeah.
- I have just the thing.
- Yeah? Okay.
Here, these we'll just put here.
Okay, um, here you go.
Uh, it'll numb the pain.
I burned my finger making curry puffs, so scooch over.
[Imitates beeps] Well, our hands are getting along pretty well.
They're already taking a bath together.
[Laughs wildly] Oh, my God, that's not my laugh! Um, uh, why don't we, uh, have some wine? And let's look for my laugh.
Yep, yep, yep.
So so, uh, my dad tells me you have a daughter.
Yes, Ellie.
Tonight she's at her first party since she moved in with me, and I'm a little err! - Oh.
- But, uh, don't worry.
I'll be fine once I know she got there okay, and then I'll be all [Deep voice] More wine? Ooh.
[Chuckles] I look forward to being with that guy.
[Normal voice] Yeah, I got this app to track Ellie, not that I need to check it I'm just gonna check it.
Huh, that's weird.
She just went past the address.
Anyway [Laughs] I'm sure she's fine.
- So you're a podiatrist? - Perio Both: Dontist.
- Yes.
- Yep.
So tell me about that.
Well, uh, gums are like the soil in which your teeth grow.
They so are.
Now she's back on the highway.
[Scoffs] Anyway, sorry.
So, podiatry.
The podiatry of the mouth.
Well, you know, it's not that interesting.
You know, let's talk about you.
Okay, uh, well, the thing about me is I'm gonna call Ellie.
Uh, it'll just be two seconds.
I just want to see where she's at.
Hi who's this? Sue? Hi, Sue.
This is Sean.
Uh, and you're on my daughter's phone.
Oh, of course.
Sue's in a cab.
Ellie left her phone Yep, in the cab.
Got it.
So, Sue, I was wondering, um, do you mind turning around and going back to give my daughter her phone? See, she's at a party, and there's a guy named Jake there, and you know how Jakes are.
Oh, well, I'm sure your Jake is different.
Uh [Line clicks] Hello? Well, phone mystery solved.
[Laughs] So I am totally relaxed.
[Laughs] So, why feet? - Gums.
- Gums.
We all have 'em.
Yes, I in fact, I noticed yours are quite healthy.
Oh, yeah.
I send them out twice a week to get cleaned.
[Laughs wildly] Oh, my God, it's not my laugh again! [Laughs] You're fun! I'm just gonna take one more run at Sue.
[Sighs] Hi, Sue.
It's Sean.
I'm sorry about the Listen, uh, what's the driver's name? Ahmjad? Can I talk to him? No, I'm not gonna ask him to turn around.
It's about something else.
Ahmjad, I need you to turn around.
Don't tell Sue.
Ahmjad? Hello? Ahmjad? Ahmjad? All right, well We know whose side he's on.
- Maybe we should reschedule.
- No! I'm sorry.
No, we can have the date.
Let's just get back on track.
- Yep.
- You now have my totally undivided attention.
[Chuckles] [Psycho shower music] That's my mother.
" Totally undivided.
I'm just gonna call Ellie's friend's mom to tell Ellie's friend to tell Ellie to call me.
Two seconds.
Okay, you're very distracted.
- No, no, no! - I'm gonna It'll be quick, quick, quick.
Hey, I made curry puffs.
What? Curry puffs.
Oh, these are Ellie's favorite.
She loves them.
God, I hope I see her again.
Here are your one curry puff.
[Laughs] And, hey, listen to some music while I make my call.
These fire-retardant mattresses - make it safe to smoke in bed.
- Wait.
That looks like your mom.
Or just get to know each other better.
Is that you? I don't think so.
Uh, hi, Annette.
It's Sean, Ellie's dad? Oh, my God, it is you.
Why are you in bed with your mom? I'm trying to talk to Annette, okay? [Slow jazz music] Okay, is that your move? A little family porn and then all this? Ellie [Grunts] Ellie lost her phone.
No, can you just tell Molly to tell Ellie to call me immediately? I found the "off" icon.
Ah! [Deep voice] More wine? All right All right, I'm done.
You've got way too much family stuff going on, some I understand, some I don't want to understand.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Look, look I know that commercial seems weird, but it was so long ago, and trust me, my mom and I are not crazy close like that anymore.
Why don't you answer your phone? I'm on my way to the restaurant with Chase's father, who smells delicious, and I can't concentrate because you don't answer your phone! I do not know who this is.
I was worried, so I called Ellie and a foreign gentleman picked up, then right away I flashed to that movie taken.
And let's face it You're no Liam Neeson, so, if she's gone, that's it.
This is Chase.
You're very handsome.
Where's Ellie? Okay, the foreign guy is Ahmjad.
Ellie left her phone in his cab.
She and Molly are at the party.
Annette says they're fine.
You're all obsessed with each other, and good night.
So we'll reschedule? So I finally reached Ellie.
She's okay.
- Ah.
- You know You could have kept your date with Chase's dad.
Oh, if his son doesn't want to be with my son, I don't want to be with him.
Well, good-bye, dating.
Hello, cancer.
See, you give me a hard time for making you the center of my life, but being a single parent - isn't all that easy, is it? - Nope.
Now I get why you acted the way you did after dad left.
And? I appreciate it.
And? You look nice tonight.
And you love me.
There, you said it.
I'd say let's watch a movie, but True, dating's expensive.
Oh, that Chase was all wrong for you, anyway.
How dare he say you're too close to your family? [Snoring] [Door opens] I'm home.
Don't wake him.
We really need to work on our family traditions.
Good morning, sir.
Just making sure that we're back to a professional working relationship.
Yes, we are.
We are back to only that.
- Good.
- Wow.
"Wow" all you want, Sean, but you will neither love my peaches nor shake my tree! I understand, sir.
I'll try to control myself, but it'll be super hard.
Oh, please, I don't need to hear everything.