Sean Saves The World (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Sean the Fabulous

1 Oh, good.
You're home.
What? I had something caught in my teeth.
I don't need to know.
I need some fashion advice.
My cousin Irene is having an anniversary party.
And I want to look better than her.
There, I said it.
"There you said it" implies there was ever a moment when you did not say something.
I need you to come shopping with me, help me pick out an outfit.
Come on.
It'll be fun.
Mom, all I do at work is make style decisions.
I don't want to have to do it during my off hours, especially with my mom, who stands in the dressing room topless and says, "Look how great these still look.
" The trick is to rub that Diane Keaton face cream all over everything.
And now you've ruined Diane Keaton for me.
Just for that, I'm not going shopping with you.
I want a fun gay son.
My friend Joanne's son picks out all her clothes for her.
- They even went on a cruise together.
- I've met Joanne.
Her son probably took her so he could push her off the lido deck.
Sorry I'm late.
There was a meeting after school about the art program.
- When did you get involved with that? - Eight years ago? Oh, yeah.
No, I knew you were in the art program.
I thought you said "The Heart program," like you joined a club that celebrates the '80s rock duo Heart.
And then I was thinking, "What's with that school?" Anyways, it's the annual fundraiser.
We come up with a theme, deck out the gym.
Don't worry.
School stuff was mom's thing.
You don't have to get involved.
I can be involved in your school.
I'm an involved person.
I ran the first 2 miles of that 10k for those people with that problem.
Then why don't you come to the fundraiser? - You could sell raffle tickets or punch.
- Screw that.
If I'm going in, I'm going in big.
So what's the job that makes up for me not having known about any of this? The biggest job is designing it.
But you've got to go present a theme and then put it all together.
Well, that's out.
All day long, he does designer-y things.
He can't be bothered to do it on his off time, especially when he's making love to his hand vacuum.
I am gonna design the crap out of that fundraiser for you.
- Really? - Yes.
That would impress the crap out of me.
Or "heck.
" When can I start saying "crap"? You can say crap when I'm old and you're changing my diapers.
It'll have a double meaning.
As for you, maybe we should take that cruise.
I'll meet you on the lido deck.
Season 1, Episode 10 "Sean the Fabulous" So all I need to do is wow the head of the fundraising committee and bing, bang, bong, I'm involved in my daughter's school.
Then CNN makes me an everyday hero, Anderson Cooper and I make out in his dressing room, and the next thing I know, I'm a Vanderbilt.
Right after I become Mrs.
Wolf Blitzer.
- So who else is interviewing? - Oh, just Tiffany's dad, Jason.
He did the event last year.
Total hack.
Two words - Tropical theme.
Oh, my God.
I love you, Jason! - Bing, bang, bong.
Jason's got this.
- Please, I googled him.
He's an accountant, whereas I am a design professional.
By the way, bing, bang, bong is my thing, all right? So stop using it.
Really? You're gonna plant your flag on "bing, bang, bong"? What a legacy.
Why Are you even here? For moral support.
When does that start? No one does fundraisers like you.
That sad little gym is about to get hit by Hurricane Fabulous.
Hey, if we take in enough money, we can run away to Paris together.
Just don't tell my husband.
Did I just say that? Stop! I'm terrible.
- Hi, I'm Sean.
I'm here - You know what? I don't care yet.
So just give me a minute.
- She seems great.
- Yeah.
We might as well go.
Oh, come on, you can't dazzle like that, and by the way, that's a boy who would take his mother dress shopping.
You think Jason's gonna get the job because he's more fabulous than me? I can dazzle.
I can sparkle like Italian soda if I have to.
You don't know me.
I've done things.
I went to an orgy once.
That's right.
I left after three minutes because I got a panic attack and the food was terrible, but I went.
You went to an orgy, you got self-conscious and complained about the buffet.
- When does the book come out? - Look, you.
I promised I'd get involved in Ellie's school, so if I have to glam it up for 15 minutes to get this job, then crank up the Katy Perry, because, baby, I am a firework.
You're still here.
Hi, I'm Susan.
I'm the parental liaison to the art committee.
First of all, shut up.
I can't even start this meeting until you tell me how you got to be such a hot bucket of slut.
Ooh, well, that got my attention.
You are interesting.
Get in here.
Oh, my.
That's right.
I got this, bitch.
Oh, my God.
I just had the most exhausting 15 minutes of my life.
But you are looking at the new designer for Ellie's school fundraiser.
That is some mad boring collection of words.
Well, what's so exciting about your stupid life? Oh, my God, Hunter.
Did you tell Sean about what happened last night? - It was very exciting.
- A bunch of us went out for drinks.
And when I walked Liz home, we saw that her neighbor's apartment had been robbed and the lobby door had been kicked in.
I was so freaked out, I grabbed my dog and spent the night at Hunter's.
First we cracked open a bottle of champagne.
Then we pretended we were on the bridge of the starship Enterprise during a Romulan attack.
Whoa, whoa! And then we surfed down the stairs on Hunter's ironing board.
Then we ate a box of cake mix.
And now we're gonna be roommates until the police find the oak street prowler and end his reign of terror before someone gets killed.
Well, I'm using crepe paper to transform a gymnasium into an underwater paradise.
So suck it.
- Sean? - Max.
Something up? I've, uh I got a lot of work to do, on top of which I'm extremely busy being a hero to my daughter's art program.
Not to be confused with The Heart Program.
I might have had a daughter now too, had I not been left at the altar five years ago today by a heartless minx named Fiona, but you carry on.
- You're not going away.
- No.
Every year at this time, I find myself yearning for my former lady love - her voice, her scent, her oddly hesitant touch.
- So do you want to talk about it? - No.
I called Fiona last night to read her a poem I wrote about her body, and to my surprise, she's married, and her husband would not put her on the phone.
Max, it can be hard to accept when someone has moved on.
I did not accept it.
And when her husband asked what I wanted, I read him the poem.
Well, the first two lines of it, anyway.
He had a fairly negative reaction to the word "penetrate.
" You you have to forget about Fiona, okay? There are millions of women out there who would touch you just as hesitantly.
And I'm sure they're waiting outside that door right now.
Still waiting.
- Are you trying to rid of me? - Ever since you walked in.
- Hey, dad.
I'm home.
- Hi, honey.
Are you starting your gay midlife crisis? 'Cause I was hoping to be in college for that.
As I'm sure you've heard by now, I got the fundraising gig.
Yeah, you texted me with, like, a million exclamation marks.
And you look like Elton John's butler.
Yeah, well, to get the job, I had to Fly a little closer to the rainbow.
I don't know what that means.
But if you'd been wearing that outfit when you met mom, I never would have been born.
Okay, that's Susan.
I'm just gonna give her these sketches and send her on her way.
Then you can have your coat back.
Susan! And you brought your posse.
Ain't that a kick in the nuts.
Fly closer to the rainbow.
Now I get it.
Upstairs with you.
This is Kristin and Tabitha.
They're on the art committee, and I keep them around 'cause they make me look hotter.
- Hey.
- I am just kidding.
Well, here are the sketches, all right? - Bye.
- No.
We don't care about sketches.
You do whatever you want.
These meetings are just an excuse to get out of the house and not be moms a few times a week.
I hope that you like to hang out.
Jason was always up for it.
Is that okay? "Is that okay?" No.
Because I'm not drunk with my three best bitches yet.
You are awful! No, you're awful.
I can't stand my ex-husband, but I'm thinking about sleeping with his brother.
- Am I bad? - The worst.
Literally unbearable.
I'm gonna do it.
To poor choices.
- Okay.
- Ready? Uh-oh.
We're out of Tequila.
Oh, no.
We're gonna have to say buh-bye.
Oh, we are never out of Tequila.
I am so naughty.
I know.
I hate you.
- Hello.
- Oh, my God.
Mom! Oh, fiddlesticks.
I forgot we're doing that thing tonight.
What thing? What's happening? Why are you being so fun? I'm trapped acting like this.
It's like I'm doing a one-man Bravo show.
- Pretend you need to take me away.
- Calm down.
I know exactly what to do.
Hello! Ladies.
I'm Sean's mother, Lorna.
- Lorna.
- Slut.
Too much, dear.
I'm afraid an emergency's come up.
- Oh, thank God.
- A fashion emergency.
I've picked out some outfits so that my fabulous son can help me choose something to wear for my cousin's party.
Because he loves dressing his mother.
Don't you, Sean? There is just no stopping you, is there? No, dear.
There is not.
I love this you, and you're gonna help me pick out some clothes and we're gonna have a great time together.
Because I'll be faking it.
I don't care.
One day, I'm going to get you the meanest nurse.
But until then, hmmm.
Fashion show! - Hey, Sean.
I've got a problem.
- Yeah, me too.
- Mine's worse.
- That stupid fundraiser is killing me.
Yeah, well, I'm want to bang Liz, so Damn it, you keep topping my stories.
Look, I've always thought of her as just a friend.
But she's been staying with me for a few days, and my place is tiny, as are the shorts she sleeps in.
Plus, she smells like a lilac meadow, Sean.
And I want to run through it in slow motion with my hands out like a plane.
Hunter, if you and Liz hook up, it'll be a disaster.
Well, then have her live with you, so we can get back to being normal.
I can't do that.
I got too much on my plate.
But she's making me crazy with her cute little ankle socks and the way she nibbles on crackers like a chipmunk.
Then think of something horrible, like a world without bees.
It's pretty bleak.
I just read an article.
We really need bees.
All right, I'll try to keep my mind off Liz, but I have troops on the ground, and they are spoiling for action.
- Hunter.
- Liz So I'm having a pretty crazy week.
Me too.
I want to sleep with Hunter.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Get ahold of yourself.
I'm trying to, but the man does sit-ups every morning, and guess who holds his feet.
Us, he's a really good father to his iguana, Maurice.
He took him to the mall and had caricatures drawn of them riding old-timey bicycles together.
Okay, that's That's all crazy.
You're staying with me, all right? But just so you know, there's some stuff going on at my house, so whatever you do, just go with it.
Sean? Sean-Sean? Sean-gri-LA! My God, what is she doing here? Susan, Sudan, sudafed.
- What the hell? - Just go with it.
Su, su, sudio.
What are you doing here, you crazy whore.
This enchanting creature tells me that you're working on a fundraiser together and she's so impressed that she wants to be in business with us.
The company I work for just bought an apartment complex and I convinced them to furnish it through Pemberton road, so we can be together all the time.
I'm gonna throw up.
I just need to have a quick little powwow with my glam squad, okay? Glam squad? I'll be right there.
I don't want to tip my hand, but you are the most beautiful woman in the world.
- I hope there's no Mr.
- Well, there is not.
And you are like a little Tom Selleck action figure.
Oh, you get me.
And why are we hiding in your office when there's a woman out there whose beauty rivals that of a young Angela Lansbury? - Look, Max, my daughter - Oh, God.
That's still happening? Yes, my daughter is still happening.
I'm doing a fundraiser at her school, and I had to act a little fabulous to get the job.
So what did you do? Really? You didn't notice I was acting different in front of Susan? Different how? Oh, forget it.
The point is, it's too exhausting to keep working it.
Working what? Wait, so that's what you did to get the fundraising gig? I'm confused but proud of you, Sean.
Sounds like you did a really good, really weird thing for Ellie.
I have no idea what's happening here.
I've been acting extra fabulous for this woman, and now I'll never get a break.
She's already got me drinking so much, my liver spelled out the words "help me" on my skin.
Look, Sean, I know being a homosexual is tiring.
I've seen Brokeback Mountain.
But look.
We need to be in business with her, and ever since I laid eyes on Susan, I have not thought once about Fiona, so you get out there and act in your supposedly different manner.
Listen, Hunter, Sean's hurt that I'm not staying at his place, so me and Buddy are just gonna move over there.
I understand.
That's cool.
I'll just swing by your place at lunch and get my stuff.
Plus I got your iguana those flies that he likes so much.
And a cape.
I thought he'd look really cute in a cape.
He does.
Not everyone picks up on that.
Well, there's not much else to look at in your apartment besides your iguana, so I started to imagine a lot of things.
Yeah, I, uh, imagined a lot of things too.
- Okay, I'll see you around the office.
- Yeah, I'll see you around.
Dead-ass dyin' bees.
This is nice I haven't had a sleepover with a girl since college.
But then things got awkward at breakfast, when I told her it was never gonna happen again.
You don't think of me as a kid at all, do you? Oh, good morning, sunshine.
You got in late last night.
Yeah, I went to the apartment Susan wants us to furnish.
Hoochie bagger and What's-her-face were there.
They dragged me out dancing.
At some point, I was elevated in a cage.
Oh, crap.
We're out of cream.
Ellie, can you go to sad Janet's apartment and borrow some cream? - It'll make her day.
- Fine.
I'll be right back.
All right.
I love you.
I'm not just saying that because you're gonna run real fast to get that cream back here.
I love you too.
And if I'm not back in an hour, that's because Sad Janet is extra sad today.
- Tandem foot rubs? - Yes, please.
Susan's combination of diet pills and vodka makes for a very dangerous dance partner.
All right, according to my reflexology class, this is your heel.
I dropped out after the first class.
Oh, that feels so good.
I will see you that and raise you this.
Oh, that tickles.
Oh, that feels good.
Oh, Sean, you really know how to treat a lady.
You're so tense.
I know.
It's been exhausting keeping up with this gay act all week.
Oh, my God.
- Susan.
- Sean, you straight bastard! What? What are you talking about? Girlfriend.
I just heard you say you were lying about being gay, and this blonde hottie obviously spent the night.
Oh, Sean is gay, but thank you for calling me a hottie.
Susan, I am gay.
I was just pretending to be super gay.
But really I'm medium gay.
I mean I'm perfectly gay.
I mean whoever is gay is the perfect amount of gay for them.
It's your stylish mothe Oh.
Everyone looks angry.
I just wanted to be a part of my daughter's school.
But I am a person, not a plaything, okay? Gay people come in all shapes and sizes.
You can't just expect us to live up to some stereotype, and that goes for you too, mom.
Because this is who I am - a proud medium gay man.
Sweetheart, I've known ever since you were little that were not like all the other gays.
But I've always loved you, and I've come to accept the level of gayness you were born with.
No, you haven't.
No, I haven't.
But I was wrong to push you to be someone you're not.
I was just looking for a way to be closer to you, like Joanne and her son.
If I was any closer to you, I'd be living in your pouch like a kangaroo.
Now you've described my dream.
You know, I've been to other people's homes.
They sit around not talking to each other.
Why can't we do that? Hey, Sean, you lied to me, so I can't work with you anymore.
I expect honesty and integrity from my bitches.
Well, then why don't you just clickety- clack your little ass right out of here.
- Yeah, beat it.
- Yeah, get out Adult I shouldn't talk to that way.
I should have listened to my instincts last night.
I knew something was off when you resisted getting into that cage.
So guess who's not going to be doing the fundraiser at your school? - I'm sorry, honey.
- That's okay.
I appreciate how much you tried.
I mean, you put on this whole act just for me and even allowed women to cage you like a chicken.
Like a chicken.
You're adorable.
Anyways, not a lot of dads would have done that.
No, and now I understand why.
Sir, I'm sorry.
I had to tell Susan the truth.
And she doesn't want to work with me anymore.
Damn it.
I'm smitten with that bitchy little drunk.
If you're so into Susan, why not do the project with her yourself? I can help you win her over.
After hours of girl talk, I know everything about her - favorite flower, her favorite singer, that she once stole $10,000 from her favorite sister Total package.
I've written her a poem.
- No, don't do that.
- It's good.
- Would you like to hear it? - No one should hear it.
- You're going to hear it.
- I really don't want to.
- Here it goes.
- Dear God, no.
- There once was a man with angina.
- I'm out.