Secret Diary of a Call Girl s03e05 Episode Script
Episode 5
Love is overrated, and built on very shaky ground, whereas an affair with a wardrobe it's solid and it lasts forever.
That's ã4,600, please.
I'll pay cash.
No.
1 unwritten rule of being an escort.
You're only allowed one lover.
Money.
That one's quite good.
Do you think? You don't like it? I just think it looks a bit cheap.
Unless that's what you're after.
No, no.
We, er we don't want cheap.
And it's important that you're happy with it.
Um this one is a bit subtler.
Yeah, maybe.
Well would you buy it? Well, I don't have to, do I? You're angry with me.
No, it's just that we're acting as though nothing happened and, frankly, I just find that a bit odd.
I, er I think we should, maybe keep it at work, in the work place.
Absolutely.
- Belle.
- Yeah.
- We - We had sex here, which is very much in the workplace, or on the workplace, if you want to count the desk.
There you go, I've said it.
Ok.
Is that better now? Yeah, it is, but I should probably leave and come back and do the writer stuff another time.
Ok that's fine.
You go.
Great.
Thanks.
I don't need a boyfriend, when I've got regulars like Al.
He pays well, and there's no bullshit.
No games.
Hi, beautiful.
How you doing? All right? Good.
You? Yeah, I'm good.
Yeah, great! I missed you.
So, what do you fancy doing today? - What are you in the mood for? - Anything.
- Everything.
I'll let you decide.
- Perfect.
Can we do it on the floor again? I love all that.
Makes me feel all young again.
- You are young, silly.
- Ah, stop it! - Say it again, a bit slower.
- You are All right, then.
I'm gonna go take a little shower.
See? Easy.
Sex, enthusiasm, respect, clarity.
Yeah, that's it.
Just there.
- Is that all right? - Oh, no, no, that's good.
That's better than good.
All right, just a tiny bit faster.
No, a bit slower.
All right, faster now.
No! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! That was close.
Bloody lovely, though.
All right, come on.
Your turn.
I want to get the speed just right, this time and the pressure.
Sounds like pumping up a car tyre.
Well don't talk about cars, you'll get me too excited.
- Have you done it? - Yeah.
Oh, now that is a beautiful sight.
Ah, look at you.
- Oh, well.
It's only the cheap stuff.
- It's not cheap.
No, it's not classy, is it? Come on, up you get.
Is this your idea of classy, is it? You watch it, you.
I'm in quite a strategic position, here.
- Are you all right up there? - What do you think? Three sugars? Yeah, magic.
That's for you.
- What is it? A tip? - Cheeky.
No, it's a, er it's a retainer.
I'm thinking I might have a bit more time to play with on this next contract, so I might make it round every Tuesday.
- You all right with that? - Perfect.
How much is in there? Ten hours.
Look, I did round it up, though, so if you want to give me a freebie, it would be appreciated, thank you very much.
- I'll throw in a few blowjobs.
- Great.
We're going steady, aren't we? You and me.
Happy days.
Do you never Have you never fancied settling down? You know, with a fella.
I can't have a boyfriend.
Not while I'm doing this job.
It's impossible.
Get out of it.
You could have any bloke you wanted, like that.
- They can't handle it.
No? I guess it all depends on the fella, doesn't it? Well, could you handle it? - Truthfully? - Yeah.
All right, look.
If I met you and I was single and and you told me what you did Yeah.
Yeah, I could definitely handle it.
Course I could.
Yeah.
But we'd have to be completely straight with each other.
Right.
And this is coming from a man who can't tell his wife he takes sugar.
You cheeky mare! All right.
I should go.
- Bye, hun.
- Bye, sweetheart.
- Duncan, hi.
- Hi.
Can I come in? Yeah.
Shit! Shit! Bollocks! - Hi.
- Hi.
I've um.
I just brought you these for your approval.
- Thanks.
- We narrowed it down to four.
Great.
This is unexpected.
Yeah, sorry.
I should probably have rung ahead first.
- Do you want some coffee? - Sure.
I thought the, er, cuts you made were great.
- Really work.
- Good.
Look, I know I was a bit rubbish earlier on.
I'm not very good at all of that sort of thing.
It's ok.
Do you think we could, sort of rewind? Forget I was a bit of a twat? - Course we can.
- Thanks.
You're actually meant to say, "Oh no, you weren't a bit of a twat.
" Oh.
And that's your second chance.
And it's gone.
Look, I really like you.
I'd like to see you again.
But I have to warn you, I'm a complete and utter nightmare.
Is this supposed to be some challenge? No.
Yeah, maybe.
What do you think? I think it's only fair that I should warn you I'm impossible too.
- Really.
- Really.
I mean, for starters, I'm completely OCD about cleanliness.
Hm.
Oh, you're lying.
Fuck off.
I'm joking.
It's immaculate! - And hoovered.
- Hoovered? Well, I'm gonna have to inspect that.
- Oh, shit.
What was that? - No, it's empty.
Sorry.
- It's fine.
- No, no, no.
It's not.
It's ok.
Everyone should drink champagne in the morning.
What? Just so long as there's no-one hiding in the bedroom.
No, nobody.
This is not right.
What? Al? No, no, no.
You've got to go.
How come he doesn't mind? Just like you said, if you want to be with someone, you want to be with him.
I was lying.
No man can be ok with his woman doing what you do.
It's a no-go area.
No ifs or buts.
You are so lovely.
Ha! I bet he says that to all the girls.
- Do you want me to get him off you? - No! Ask him why it's not a problem.
Go on.
Duncan.
I'm a prostitute.
I'm an editor.
Yeah why are you ok with it? Well, it's just my job.
No, no, no.
It um it bothers me that you're ok with what I do.
Then I'm not ok with it.
Right, well, if that's the case, it can't work, can it? You're not really giving me much of a chance, here.
I've got to be somewhere.
Weren't we just cos you seemed to be quite into it.
Yeah, I was, but now I'm not and I need you to go now.
Ok.
- Bye.
- Bye.
What? I had to do it.
He's my editor and escorts can't have boyfriends.
Keep up.
When life gets too much, this is my sanctuary.
Anyone who says money is the route of all evil has obviously never had a lot of it.
Why would I go to a bank, when there's this? London's best kept secret.
Hi.
- Hi, Stephanie.
- Doing your laundry too, are you? No need to look sheepish.
I'm not the taxman.
I love spending time down here, don't you? Yeah.
But I'm actually late.
Do you know the thing I like best about having cash? There's absolutely no-one to spend it on but myself.
Same for you too, isn't it? I've got to go.
I just don't know whether I've done the right thing or not.
Ow! That helps, thanks! "I'm never gonna see someone again, not while I'm doing this job.
Punch me if I ever try it.
" That's what you said.
Maybe I was joking.
Oh, my God.
This is the guy Bambi's seeing.
- Guys, hi.
- Bambi.
Hi.
Byron.
- Ben.
Hannah.
- Hi.
- Hello.
We want your best champagne, Ben.
Ooh! What's the occasion? Well we're getting married.
We are, yeah.
Well, this is a bit, er - Brilliant.
- Yeah.
So, er when did did you? First meet? Oh, er two weeks ago today.
Right.
And you've set a date, have you? - Not yet.
- Yeah, it's up to Bambi, really.
Mrs.
Bambi.
Might need to find out her real name before the big day.
You're being a bit weird about this.
He booked you for a shag two weeks ago.
You hardly know each other.
.
- Look, no offence, but - None taken.
We'll get to know each other.
Yeah.
Everyday.
Ok, well what's her favourite colour? What? Just because it's a car crash whenever you see someone, does not mean it has to be the same for everyone else.
Bam Bam, shall we go? I think it might be an idea.
Can we go? Yeah, course we can.
We'll find somewhere proper to celebrate.
- What's her favourite colour? - Shut up.
That's you three up to date.
Thank you.
Ah, look who's here.
Twice in one day? Must be my birthday.
- Do you have a minute? - You paying? Right, bugger off.
Work to do.
What can I do for you? I'm a bit worried about Bambi.
She's been seeing this client.
It doesn't worry me.
As long as she turns up for work.
His name's Byron.
He's asked her to marry him.
Do you know him? Yeah.
Young guy.
Old money.
He wants to marry her? Ooh.
She's done all right for herself, hasn't she? It's insane.
Why? As long as she gets a good pre-nup.
I'm talking about her wellbeing.
So am I.
Do you think it can ever work? Seeing someone and doing this job.
No.
I thought it could, once, then she ran off with all my money and my car.
Oh, right.
Money's the only thing worth having, Belle.
Relationships.
They're unreliable, but this You know that.
We're alike, aren't we? Identical in some respects.
Favourite pudding.
Oh, er treacle tart with custard.
Um tree.
Tree? Favourite tree? Yes.
Like mine's a a sycamore.
Er sycamore, then.
I like sycamores.
Cartoon.
Count Duckula closely followed by Thundercats, obviously.
Next question.
Er do you like me? What? Of course I like you.
Just wanted to check.
A lot of people don't.
My parents, for example.
Mine didn't like me either.
- No? - No.
Well, maybe they did, but they gave me away, which probably means they didn't like me that much.
Superhero.
Silver Surfer.
Yours? And it's not allowed to be me.
Wolverine, definitely.
Uh-huh.
Hi.
Belle, I'm in the middle of something.
- Could you possibly wait outside? - No, I can't.
Can we, um can we just stop playing grown-up jobs and suits, for a minute, and actually talk about this? I'm gonna have to call you back in ten minutes.
Thanks.
Look, I'm sorry if I was confusing this morning, but I've never met a man who can handle what I do and I'm not sure you'll be able to cope, so Right.
You know, that's a bad idea.
I'll just go.
Belle, wait! Don't just walk away.
Belle! My name's not Belle.
- What is it, then? Tell me.
- No.
- Where do you want this? - Anywhere.
Put it anywhere.
Great.
Anywhere but there.
Why do you keep running away? She doesn't look anything like me.
Look, if you're not interested, that's fine.
Before you came round today, I'd had sex with another man.
Yeah, I know that.
Ok, say we meet after work, and you say, "How was your day, darling?" And I'm like, "Yeah, it was fine, I had sex with this guy.
It was nothing.
How was yours?" Well, if I've been with a guy, then I'll tell you.
I've slept with 1,036 men.
No, I can't top that.
Sometimes I enjoy it.
We're not talking about a life sentence here, just seeing where it goes.
Yeah, but why would you want to see me when there's all that baggage? Because I don't see baggage, or a problem.
You're smart and funny.
A bit crazy.
Would you please tell me your real name? It's Hannah.
Hannah.
Nice.
So we should stop analysing ourselves into the ground, here.
Ok.
I like you, you like me.
I fancy you - I think you fancy me? - I do.
What are we arguing about, then? Nothing.
So, we're on? Yeah, we're on.
Call me James.
If you're gonna do role play, you have to do it completely.
You have to get every detail right.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
- What was that? - He's a client.
- This is Duncan.
I've heard a lot about you.
- Right.
- Evening.
- Evening.
- Duncan is a prick.
- Oh, you wanker.
This isn't over.
That's ã4,600, please.
I'll pay cash.
No.
1 unwritten rule of being an escort.
You're only allowed one lover.
Money.
That one's quite good.
Do you think? You don't like it? I just think it looks a bit cheap.
Unless that's what you're after.
No, no.
We, er we don't want cheap.
And it's important that you're happy with it.
Um this one is a bit subtler.
Yeah, maybe.
Well would you buy it? Well, I don't have to, do I? You're angry with me.
No, it's just that we're acting as though nothing happened and, frankly, I just find that a bit odd.
I, er I think we should, maybe keep it at work, in the work place.
Absolutely.
- Belle.
- Yeah.
- We - We had sex here, which is very much in the workplace, or on the workplace, if you want to count the desk.
There you go, I've said it.
Ok.
Is that better now? Yeah, it is, but I should probably leave and come back and do the writer stuff another time.
Ok that's fine.
You go.
Great.
Thanks.
I don't need a boyfriend, when I've got regulars like Al.
He pays well, and there's no bullshit.
No games.
Hi, beautiful.
How you doing? All right? Good.
You? Yeah, I'm good.
Yeah, great! I missed you.
So, what do you fancy doing today? - What are you in the mood for? - Anything.
- Everything.
I'll let you decide.
- Perfect.
Can we do it on the floor again? I love all that.
Makes me feel all young again.
- You are young, silly.
- Ah, stop it! - Say it again, a bit slower.
- You are All right, then.
I'm gonna go take a little shower.
See? Easy.
Sex, enthusiasm, respect, clarity.
Yeah, that's it.
Just there.
- Is that all right? - Oh, no, no, that's good.
That's better than good.
All right, just a tiny bit faster.
No, a bit slower.
All right, faster now.
No! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! That was close.
Bloody lovely, though.
All right, come on.
Your turn.
I want to get the speed just right, this time and the pressure.
Sounds like pumping up a car tyre.
Well don't talk about cars, you'll get me too excited.
- Have you done it? - Yeah.
Oh, now that is a beautiful sight.
Ah, look at you.
- Oh, well.
It's only the cheap stuff.
- It's not cheap.
No, it's not classy, is it? Come on, up you get.
Is this your idea of classy, is it? You watch it, you.
I'm in quite a strategic position, here.
- Are you all right up there? - What do you think? Three sugars? Yeah, magic.
That's for you.
- What is it? A tip? - Cheeky.
No, it's a, er it's a retainer.
I'm thinking I might have a bit more time to play with on this next contract, so I might make it round every Tuesday.
- You all right with that? - Perfect.
How much is in there? Ten hours.
Look, I did round it up, though, so if you want to give me a freebie, it would be appreciated, thank you very much.
- I'll throw in a few blowjobs.
- Great.
We're going steady, aren't we? You and me.
Happy days.
Do you never Have you never fancied settling down? You know, with a fella.
I can't have a boyfriend.
Not while I'm doing this job.
It's impossible.
Get out of it.
You could have any bloke you wanted, like that.
- They can't handle it.
No? I guess it all depends on the fella, doesn't it? Well, could you handle it? - Truthfully? - Yeah.
All right, look.
If I met you and I was single and and you told me what you did Yeah.
Yeah, I could definitely handle it.
Course I could.
Yeah.
But we'd have to be completely straight with each other.
Right.
And this is coming from a man who can't tell his wife he takes sugar.
You cheeky mare! All right.
I should go.
- Bye, hun.
- Bye, sweetheart.
- Duncan, hi.
- Hi.
Can I come in? Yeah.
Shit! Shit! Bollocks! - Hi.
- Hi.
I've um.
I just brought you these for your approval.
- Thanks.
- We narrowed it down to four.
Great.
This is unexpected.
Yeah, sorry.
I should probably have rung ahead first.
- Do you want some coffee? - Sure.
I thought the, er, cuts you made were great.
- Really work.
- Good.
Look, I know I was a bit rubbish earlier on.
I'm not very good at all of that sort of thing.
It's ok.
Do you think we could, sort of rewind? Forget I was a bit of a twat? - Course we can.
- Thanks.
You're actually meant to say, "Oh no, you weren't a bit of a twat.
" Oh.
And that's your second chance.
And it's gone.
Look, I really like you.
I'd like to see you again.
But I have to warn you, I'm a complete and utter nightmare.
Is this supposed to be some challenge? No.
Yeah, maybe.
What do you think? I think it's only fair that I should warn you I'm impossible too.
- Really.
- Really.
I mean, for starters, I'm completely OCD about cleanliness.
Hm.
Oh, you're lying.
Fuck off.
I'm joking.
It's immaculate! - And hoovered.
- Hoovered? Well, I'm gonna have to inspect that.
- Oh, shit.
What was that? - No, it's empty.
Sorry.
- It's fine.
- No, no, no.
It's not.
It's ok.
Everyone should drink champagne in the morning.
What? Just so long as there's no-one hiding in the bedroom.
No, nobody.
This is not right.
What? Al? No, no, no.
You've got to go.
How come he doesn't mind? Just like you said, if you want to be with someone, you want to be with him.
I was lying.
No man can be ok with his woman doing what you do.
It's a no-go area.
No ifs or buts.
You are so lovely.
Ha! I bet he says that to all the girls.
- Do you want me to get him off you? - No! Ask him why it's not a problem.
Go on.
Duncan.
I'm a prostitute.
I'm an editor.
Yeah why are you ok with it? Well, it's just my job.
No, no, no.
It um it bothers me that you're ok with what I do.
Then I'm not ok with it.
Right, well, if that's the case, it can't work, can it? You're not really giving me much of a chance, here.
I've got to be somewhere.
Weren't we just cos you seemed to be quite into it.
Yeah, I was, but now I'm not and I need you to go now.
Ok.
- Bye.
- Bye.
What? I had to do it.
He's my editor and escorts can't have boyfriends.
Keep up.
When life gets too much, this is my sanctuary.
Anyone who says money is the route of all evil has obviously never had a lot of it.
Why would I go to a bank, when there's this? London's best kept secret.
Hi.
- Hi, Stephanie.
- Doing your laundry too, are you? No need to look sheepish.
I'm not the taxman.
I love spending time down here, don't you? Yeah.
But I'm actually late.
Do you know the thing I like best about having cash? There's absolutely no-one to spend it on but myself.
Same for you too, isn't it? I've got to go.
I just don't know whether I've done the right thing or not.
Ow! That helps, thanks! "I'm never gonna see someone again, not while I'm doing this job.
Punch me if I ever try it.
" That's what you said.
Maybe I was joking.
Oh, my God.
This is the guy Bambi's seeing.
- Guys, hi.
- Bambi.
Hi.
Byron.
- Ben.
Hannah.
- Hi.
- Hello.
We want your best champagne, Ben.
Ooh! What's the occasion? Well we're getting married.
We are, yeah.
Well, this is a bit, er - Brilliant.
- Yeah.
So, er when did did you? First meet? Oh, er two weeks ago today.
Right.
And you've set a date, have you? - Not yet.
- Yeah, it's up to Bambi, really.
Mrs.
Bambi.
Might need to find out her real name before the big day.
You're being a bit weird about this.
He booked you for a shag two weeks ago.
You hardly know each other.
.
- Look, no offence, but - None taken.
We'll get to know each other.
Yeah.
Everyday.
Ok, well what's her favourite colour? What? Just because it's a car crash whenever you see someone, does not mean it has to be the same for everyone else.
Bam Bam, shall we go? I think it might be an idea.
Can we go? Yeah, course we can.
We'll find somewhere proper to celebrate.
- What's her favourite colour? - Shut up.
That's you three up to date.
Thank you.
Ah, look who's here.
Twice in one day? Must be my birthday.
- Do you have a minute? - You paying? Right, bugger off.
Work to do.
What can I do for you? I'm a bit worried about Bambi.
She's been seeing this client.
It doesn't worry me.
As long as she turns up for work.
His name's Byron.
He's asked her to marry him.
Do you know him? Yeah.
Young guy.
Old money.
He wants to marry her? Ooh.
She's done all right for herself, hasn't she? It's insane.
Why? As long as she gets a good pre-nup.
I'm talking about her wellbeing.
So am I.
Do you think it can ever work? Seeing someone and doing this job.
No.
I thought it could, once, then she ran off with all my money and my car.
Oh, right.
Money's the only thing worth having, Belle.
Relationships.
They're unreliable, but this You know that.
We're alike, aren't we? Identical in some respects.
Favourite pudding.
Oh, er treacle tart with custard.
Um tree.
Tree? Favourite tree? Yes.
Like mine's a a sycamore.
Er sycamore, then.
I like sycamores.
Cartoon.
Count Duckula closely followed by Thundercats, obviously.
Next question.
Er do you like me? What? Of course I like you.
Just wanted to check.
A lot of people don't.
My parents, for example.
Mine didn't like me either.
- No? - No.
Well, maybe they did, but they gave me away, which probably means they didn't like me that much.
Superhero.
Silver Surfer.
Yours? And it's not allowed to be me.
Wolverine, definitely.
Uh-huh.
Hi.
Belle, I'm in the middle of something.
- Could you possibly wait outside? - No, I can't.
Can we, um can we just stop playing grown-up jobs and suits, for a minute, and actually talk about this? I'm gonna have to call you back in ten minutes.
Thanks.
Look, I'm sorry if I was confusing this morning, but I've never met a man who can handle what I do and I'm not sure you'll be able to cope, so Right.
You know, that's a bad idea.
I'll just go.
Belle, wait! Don't just walk away.
Belle! My name's not Belle.
- What is it, then? Tell me.
- No.
- Where do you want this? - Anywhere.
Put it anywhere.
Great.
Anywhere but there.
Why do you keep running away? She doesn't look anything like me.
Look, if you're not interested, that's fine.
Before you came round today, I'd had sex with another man.
Yeah, I know that.
Ok, say we meet after work, and you say, "How was your day, darling?" And I'm like, "Yeah, it was fine, I had sex with this guy.
It was nothing.
How was yours?" Well, if I've been with a guy, then I'll tell you.
I've slept with 1,036 men.
No, I can't top that.
Sometimes I enjoy it.
We're not talking about a life sentence here, just seeing where it goes.
Yeah, but why would you want to see me when there's all that baggage? Because I don't see baggage, or a problem.
You're smart and funny.
A bit crazy.
Would you please tell me your real name? It's Hannah.
Hannah.
Nice.
So we should stop analysing ourselves into the ground, here.
Ok.
I like you, you like me.
I fancy you - I think you fancy me? - I do.
What are we arguing about, then? Nothing.
So, we're on? Yeah, we're on.
Call me James.
If you're gonna do role play, you have to do it completely.
You have to get every detail right.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
- What was that? - He's a client.
- This is Duncan.
I've heard a lot about you.
- Right.
- Evening.
- Evening.
- Duncan is a prick.
- Oh, you wanker.
This isn't over.